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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23294620">Invader Zim: The Series</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ngrey651/pseuds/Ngrey651'>Ngrey651</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Invader Zim</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Action/Adventure, Adaptation, Comedy, Drama, Science Fiction, Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:41:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>273,425</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23294620</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ngrey651/pseuds/Ngrey651</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An adaptation of the Invader Zim series, including all the unaired and partially-made episodes as I could find. See the whole epic tale from beginning to end with Dib, Zim, GIR, Gaz, Tak, Skoodge, Red, Purple and many, many more! Now uploaded at last to Archive of Our Own for all of you to enjoy.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Nightmare Begins, Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Hoo boy. It has been quite a long time since I wrote this, and I've still never been prouder of it than I am today. Probably my magnum opus, I wrote this to try and be as exhaustively comprehensive and as fun as I could in bringing to FF.Net all the episodes of Invader Zim, from the aired to the unaired to the ones that had scripts made for but nothing else and all in between. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Naturally, this was done before Enter the Florpus, so do keep that in mind. Keep also in mind, for the sake of trigger warnings, that much like in the show there's gonna be a lot of dark subject matter. There's gonna be deaths, a lot of violence, and some really immature jokes and the like. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>I would like to apologize if some of the material is offensive, I tried to keep to the rather irreverent tone of the show while still having my own voice, but it's tricky to manage both. The series was a lot of fun because in essence it's like a much darker Looney Tunes cartoon, almost nothing is taken seriously, but for a more larger tale like this that has some real arching arcs and narratives, I had to know when you DID have to take it seriously. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>So if something goes too far in the story, or if you feel I'm being too much of a downer, I'm <span class="u">really</span> sorry. I just hope you're able to enjoy the tale. Don't be afraid to leave a Kudos or a Review. This was the hard work of almost two years of writing, and if you have <span class="u">half</span> a good a time reading it as I did writing it, I'll be satisfied.  Take care of yourself, and enjoy the story, presented unaltered from here on out. </strong>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <strong>Original Author's Note:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Hello there!</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Invader Zim was a great cartoon. But sadly it succumbed to what is none as the cliché of being "Too Good To Be True" due to a multitude of factors such as decreasing ratings, angry mail from concerned parents, 9/11, corporate greed, etc…</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Therefore it's only fair that somebody give it the proper treatment it deserves…and eventually the proper send-off.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>I'm going to do something that's yet to be done…taking the cartoon series and making it into a fanfiction series…doing all of the episodes that were produced, all of the ones that were partially-made, and more!</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>And I invite you to come along for the ride. This Halloween, enjoy a great treat…courtesy of Zim, Dib, Gaz, Gir and all the others! And by all means...review!</strong>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <strong>INVADER ZIM:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>THE SERIES</strong>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <strong>THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS…PART ONE</strong>
</p>
<p>Some say humans are odd.</p>
<p>There's an old, somewhat true saying: "Darwinian Man, though well behaved, is, at best, a monkey shaved".</p>
<p>Now where I come from that's not true. Mostly.</p>
<p>Unfortunately for a great deal of the humans here on the Earth that's home to a particular family named the Membranes, it is. Most people are rather stupid…weird in a not-very-good way…and above all, odd.</p>
<p>But we're not the only ones.</p>
<p>The Irken race, they too are…odd.</p>
<p>Easily excited…easily distracted…very obsessed with PRIDE. They believe they're the greatest things in existence.</p>
<p>They kinda don't look the part. Insect-like eyes with black antennae to match…teeth are "zipper-like" in design. Three-digited hands, and no nose or ears…</p>
<p>And green skin that has tiny, tiny scales, with a worm-like tongue in their mouths and two toe-less feet…so they're like some kind of freaky half-reptilian, half bug Invader species.</p>
<p>They all wear "PAKS" which keep them alive. These look like rounded backpacks made of metal with pinkish, round markings on them that open up to reveal metallic "spider legs"…among other things. It's like they wear Swiss army knives on their backs!</p>
<p>They have a heart and a brain, but beyond that, there's only really one other important organ: the squeedly spooch, a "super organ" that fulfills any other bodily functions that are needed.</p>
<p>So the Irken race are…odd.</p>
<p>And the story begins with one particular member of the Irken species. One who's the oddest and probably most dangerous member of them all.</p>
<p>His name…is Zim.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…It was an important day. A VERY important day.</p>
<p>The Great Assigning!</p>
<p>Hovering there with a metallic ring surrounding it's pinkish/purple form as clouds swirled around was Conventia, the Convention Hall planet. This metallic ring was actually an important space station…and there were many a ship docking up to it. All similar in design…with the same insignia on the front: a black Irken skull that was triangular in shape with rounded, oval eyes.</p>
<p>A large holo-vid screen floated in front of the space station. A rather tall (though not THE tallest) Irken with a metallic helmet and a single red "eye" in the front was speaking. "Welcome brave Irken soldiers!" He announced. "Welcome to Conventia…the Convention Planet! Please proceed to the docking bay and take the complimentary teleporters to the planet's surface!"</p>
<p>One by one the ships docked underneath the large metal ring as big tubes opened up from portals above, connecting to the ships, snatching onto them like snakes. After the ships had been held, those within the ships shot up into the metallic ring…and their bodies were converted into energy. A moment later, that energy was shot down in a beam down at Conventia in the form of a dark pink laser beam, fired by satellites from the docking station to the planet's surface.</p>
<p>The announcer continued to speak as one by one the Irken soldiers were deposited to the teleporter pads below, walking off as pinkish/red skies without clouds covered their heads. "Be sure while you're here to visit the gift shop for cheap, useless stuff!" The announcer said cheerfully. "If you're here for the Great Assigning, remember where you parked…"</p>
<p>(Hey, sometimes they forgot!)</p>
<p>"And please proceed to the Main Convention Hall!"</p>
<p>A throbbing, HUGE crowd was slowly marching towards the Main Convention Hall of Conventia. Interestingly, a funny little red robotic animal appeared at the main gateway that led to the main hall, cheerfully exclaiming "Galactic Conquest is near" as he waved his arms. Some of the Irkens seemed very relaxed and confident, enjoying the balloons that were given out near the front door.</p>
<p>At last they'd all assembled. A sea of green with maroon, blue, purple, pink and other colors of eyes gazing up at a round, metallic THING that had red lightning splitting the air from it to the ceiling. It was time…the Great Assigning.</p>
<p>Here's how it works! All Irken soldiers gather at the Convention Hall Planet as their leaders, the Almighty Tallest, assign invaders for the next great operation that's taking place. In this case, Operation Impending Doom II.</p>
<p>What's that? "What about Operation Impending Doom I?"</p>
<p>…er…it's a morbid story…</p>
<p>And yes, I said "Tallest". That's right. Their leaders need only one requirement: to be taller than everyone. Don't get me wrong, people on Earth tend to vote for the taller guy, but with this sort of requirement, it meant ANYBODY, literally ANYBODY could be in charge. From that geeky sort of fellow you knew back in high school to the idiotic college frat boys who would eat dog feces for ten bucks.</p>
<p>Now do you understand how f—ked up Irken society really is? Gooood.</p>
<p>"And now…" The announcer spoke up once again. "Wiggle your antennae in salute because here they are! Your all-knowing…all-powerful leaders…the Almightyyyy Tallest!"</p>
<p>One by one locks on the metallic thing opened up…a nervous and dirty-looking Irken named Skoodge gulped. He had had a bad feeling about this day…</p>
<p>He sort of wished his best friend was here…but it was for the best…right? The Tallest were never wrong…</p>
<p>And there they were. They appeared to their people as the top ring of the metallic thing rose up into the air. Orbs of metla shot out, shooting red beams of light around like it was a disco, and the Irken soldiers cheered as the Tallest descended from the top ring…</p>
<p>They really WERE tall. They had robotic bodies that were square-shaped in form and had two long claws instead of gloved hands like their people. One was red in color, with eyes to match, the other was purple. Their names? Red and Purple!</p>
<p>"Thank you! Thank you!" Purple said happily, waving to them all.</p>
<p>Red grinned smugly and poked Purple in the side with his arm. "See? TOLD YOU they'd like the lasers!" He whispered, grinning.</p>
<p>"Everything is always LASERS with you!" Purple muttered as a large holo-vid display screen as set up behind the floating ring that was carrying them down. "I'm telling you, SMOKE MACHINES are what the people really-"</p>
<p>Then he took a laser to the eye and fell on his back, groaning. This only served to make the Irken soldiers cheer LOUDER.</p>
<p>Red calmly smiled and addressed the crowd. "Welcome, mighty Irken soldiers! You are the finest examples of military training the Irken Army has to offer!" He pointed with one claw. "Good for you." He said quietly.</p>
<p>Blinks all around. Somebody went "uh". A few eyebrows went up.</p>
<p>"Standing behind us however…" Red said, gesturing behind him as Purple stood back up. "Are the soldiers we've chosen for roles in one of the most crucial parts of Operation Impending Doom II!"</p>
<p>Now a large display of the galaxy appeared on the holo-vid screen behind the Tallest and the soldiers that were behind them. The crowd roared in glee, hands waving in the air.</p>
<p>"You in the audience can just sit and watch." Red remarked.</p>
<p>"You shoulda tried HARDER." Purple added.</p>
<p>"These superior soldiers…" Red spoke up, gesturing around.</p>
<p>"Though not a superior as US!" Purple interjected.</p>
<p>"DUH! These less superior than us but still QUITE superior soldiers will each be assigned to an enemy planet!" Red crowed, grinning evilly.</p>
<p>Purple turned to face the soldiers and addressed them, a grin of his own appearing on his face. "There…you will blend in with the hideous native inhabitants!"</p>
<p>"All while gathering crucial information, assessing the planet's weaknesses and making it vulnerable to our big…" Red faltered for a second, trying to find the right word. "Spaceship…gang!"</p>
<p>"The Armada?" Purple asked, looking rather annoyed with Red's lack of information about the fleet that rained fiery doom down on people. "Now…let the assigning begin!" Purple announced.</p>
<p>"…woo!" One Invader from the back said, punching the sky. The Tallest smiled, appreciating this little outburst.</p>
<p>"Step forward Invader Larb." Purple asked, pointing at one Irken with a rather tall, square-like head.</p>
<p>Larb trembled slightly in nervousness, then stepped onto the pod. A ramp then extended from the disk that the Tallest stood on to the pod and Larb ran up the ramp.</p>
<p>"Ah, you seem to have GROWN since the last time we saw you, soldier!" Red told him, smiling in an almost kind fashion.</p>
<p>"You've been assigned to the Planet Blorch." Purple said, gesturing towards the screen. "Home of the Slaughtering Rat People!" He told the invader cheerfully. It showed a very frightened Larb being surrounded by large, fang-toothed rats that were about to eat him alive.</p>
<p>"Why would you draw THAT?!" Larb sobbed, pointing at the screen as tears filled his eyes. But then…salvation.</p>
<p>"HOWEVER…" Red spoke up. "Due to your increased height, we have instead decided to give you Planet Vort…home to the universe's most comfortable couch!"</p>
<p>Now a picture of Larb reclining happily on a couch appeared.</p>
<p>"YESSSSS!" Larb said, doing an air-punch. Purple handed him a metallic assignment sheet and Larb ran off to go to his ship, happily grinning.</p>
<p>"Next!" Purple announced. "Invader Spleen!"</p>
<p>Another Invader appeared, with a VERY big and tall head. He had a band aid on his head. As they looked him over, they went "<strong>ooh</strong>" at the sight of his tall head.</p>
<p>What they DIDN'T know was that somebody was coming past the ships that were in the docking bay. His high-pitched, angry voice demanded that the ships move…not that anybody was IN them to hear him.</p>
<p>He quickly squeezed his ship in between two larger ships…</p>
<p>Back down at the Main Convention Hall, they were at the last invader.</p>
<p>"And last…Invader Skoodge!" Purple announced.</p>
<p>The fat, squat little Invader with a dirty outfit appeared before them, looking up at them with a mixture of expectancy and fear.</p>
<p>"Oh that's just sad." Red remarked, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"Could you GET any shorter?" Purple asked in an exasperated tone.</p>
<p>Poor Skoodge the Short looked like he was going to cry. His lip quivered.</p>
<p>"And I'm afraid you will be assigned to Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat people." Red told him. Then he waved Skoodge off. "Thank you, go away now."</p>
<p>"Move it, move it, get outta my way, move it!" One Irken snarled as he shoved soldier after soldier out of the way, running towards the main ring as Skoodge, tears still in eyes, stood to the side.</p>
<p>"Thus concludes the Great Assigning!" Red announced. "Now go help yourselves to the nachos and we'll see you at the equipping station!"</p>
<p>"Yeah! Gorge yourselves, ya moochers!" Purple spoke up.</p>
<p>"NO!" A voice shouted. "No, no, no! Wait!"</p>
<p>Red stiffened. "That…that horrid voice…"</p>
<p>"No…" Purple said, body quivering. "It CAN'T be…"</p>
<p>And then he appeared! A figure just as short as Skoodge who was skinny and rather…well…pathetic-looking. Maroon eyes, a standard outfit…besides his size he looked normal…</p>
<p>LOOKED.</p>
<p><strong>"ZIM!"</strong> They all gasped.</p>
<p>"Sorry I'm late, my Tallest. I couldn't find my invitation!" He said, saluting with his gloved hand as Skoodge backed off. "You're lucky I made it at all!"</p>
<p>Tallest Red groaned and leaned down to looked at Zim. "You weren't INVITED at all." He growled.</p>
<p>"Weren't you banished to Foodcourtia, the food court planet? Shouldn't you be…frying something?" Tallest Purple remarked.</p>
<p>"Oh, I quit when I found out about this." Zim remarked, smirking.</p>
<p>"…you quit…being…banished?" Purple asked. Something inside his brain went "ping" and was fried by the immense ridiculousness of the whole thing.</p>
<p>Red frowned angrily. "The assigning is OVER, Zim." He told Zim.</p>
<p>"But you can't have an Invasion without ME!" Zim insisted. "I was in Operation Impending Doom I!" He said, holding a digit up. "Don't you remember?!" He asked.</p>
<p>Red covered his head, groaning. Purple sighed and held his claws to his chin in thought. "Oh yes…we remember all right…"</p>
<p>OPERATION IMPENDING DOOM ONE:</p>
<p>Dozens of ships were being blown to smithereens. People were scattering like flies around him. All of Irk was in fear as a madly-cackling Zim sat in the cockpit…along with some operators…of the Frontline Battle Mech #4.</p>
<p>"Sir, we should stop!" The first operator spoke up.</p>
<p>"NO!" Zim snapped.</p>
<p>"But sir, we're still on our own planet!" Another operator begged.</p>
<p>Zim turned angrily on him. "Twist those knobs, twist those knobs! You!" He shouted, pointing with a digit. "Pull some levers! PULL SOME LEVERS!" He chanted.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, the Tallest watch the whole ordeal unfold from a building's window. The carnage continued as people's screams echoed alongside of Zim's laughter.</p>
<p>"…I'm gonna remember this." Red said.</p>
<p>"Yeah, me too." Purple agreed.</p>
<p>PRESENT…</p>
<p>Everyone glared angrily at the little Irken that had destroyed most of Irk.</p>
<p>"…I put the <em>fires</em> out!" He finally said, trying to defend himself as he put his hands behind his back.</p>
<p>Red, gritting his teeth, leaned down to glare at Zim. "You…made…them…worse!"</p>
<p>"Worse…or BETTER?" Zim asked, raising an eyebrow and grinning confidently.</p>
<p>"Guh…" Tallest Purple hung his head. "Besides…no Invader has ever been so…very small. You're VERY SMALL Zim. You're a tiny thing!"</p>
<p>Zim looked downcast. "But…Invader's blood runs through my veins!" He insisted, clenching his fist, pleading with his eyes at the Tallest. "Like giant radioactive rubber pants!"</p>
<p>The Tallest blinked.</p>
<p>"The pants command me!" Zim proclaimed, pointing at the sky. Then he exposed his arms. "Do not ignore my veins!" He begged.</p>
<p>"…er…" Purple turned to Red, eyes asking for a hand.</p>
<p>Tallest Red did the only thing he could think of. "As…a show of…er, gratitude for your years of service…eh…" He dived into his suit and pulled out a sandwich. "Here's a sandwich."</p>
<p>"But…" Zim began, holding onto the sandwich.</p>
<p>"Thanks for coming, everybody!" Purple said, waving at the crowd.</p>
<p>"No!" Zim pleaded.</p>
<p>"Goodnight!" Purple went on.</p>
<p>"No, no, WAIT!" Zim begged.</p>
<p>"WHAT?!" Purple moaned. "You GOT your sandwich!" He muttered.</p>
<p>"My Tallest…" Zim pleaded, squeezing the sandwich tightly. "An opportunity to prove I can truly be an Invader is all I ask! GIMME!"</p>
<p>Red suddenly got a glint in his eye. "Hold on. I've got a plan." He said to Purple. Then he turned to Zim. "We see now that you're truly deserving,." He told the young Irken.</p>
<p>"Yes. Yes I am." Zim said, beaming proudly.</p>
<p>"You will be sent to a planet so mysterious, that nobody has ever heard of it." Red told him, folding his arms in front of him.</p>
<p>Purple caught on. "RIGHT!" He said, pointing upward. "And those who HAVE heard of it dare not speak it's name!"</p>
<p>"What's it's name?" Zim immediately asked.</p>
<p>"Ooh, I dare not speak it!" Purple shuddered.</p>
<p>"Where is it?" Zim asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>Red hovered around the holo-vid, trying to find a planet. "Um…er…" Then he found a post-it note that had the outline of a planet with a question mark on it with the word "Planet" written underneath it. "Right there!" He announced.</p>
<p>"Ooh, ooh, ooooh!" Zim said gleefully, eyes going wide. "A secret mission!"</p>
<p>"Happy now?" Red asked him.</p>
<p>Zim's eyes narrowed. "Yessss…" He hissed.</p>
<p>"Invaders!" Red spoke up. "Report to the equipment hall! And remember…lasers!"</p>
<p>THWOOM!</p>
<p>Another laser hit Purple in the eye. He screamed and fell back down to the ground, groaning. Red chuckled and rubbed his "hands".</p>
<p>"The universe will be ours for the taking! It's only a matter of time before all the races of the universe serve…the IRKEN EMPIRE!" Red crowed.</p>
<p>"I'll have them serve me curly fries!" Purple laughed happily as the people cheered…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…meanwhile, on Earth. a boy with a scythe-like protrusion of black hair on his head who wore glasses, a black jacket, black pants and shoes looked up from his computer, the transmission coming through the headphones he was wearing and filling him with horror. His name was Dib Membrane, son of Prof. Membrane, a world-famous genius in the field of science. Dib was almost obsessed with the paranormal…but now his "obsession" had lead to real results…to a startling revelation…</p>
<p>"They're COMING…" He whispered…</p>
<p>He quickly ran towards the end of the roof he was on and leapt down, grabbing onto a pipe and swirling around it as he raced towards the ground. Inside, a purple-haired, Gothically-dressed girl frowned as she opened up the fridge. Her skull necklace hung down like her frown. Her hair color was much like her mother's, who…well…let's just what was left of her was kept in Professor Membrane's labs.</p>
<p>"Dib drank the last soda." The gothic girl named Gazlene Membrane realized. She clenched her fist, growling. "He…will…PAY…"</p>
<p>Dib, meanwhile, had slid down the pipe and into the kitchen window…but he had forgotten that the sink was full of soapy water. He plunged into it…</p>
<p>Then popped right back out, eyes wide. "They're COMING!" He shouted, getting Gaz's attention.</p>
<p>His father, a tall man who had hair similar to his son's who was wearing goggles, black gloves, and large boots with his lab coat appeared not to hear this.</p>
<p>"Dad, I heard them!" Dib spoke up. "They're actually coming! I heard them, I HEARD them! I was up on the roof and I heard this transmission coming through!"</p>
<p>His father raised a finger to his son's face. "SHH!" He said. "Not now, son! I'm making…"</p>
<p>Lightning sparkled from his hands and then…</p>
<p>"TOAST!" He held it up.</p>
<p>"…" Dib ignored the invention of "Super Toast" and ran to his sister, who was sipping from a juice box. "Gaz, they're coming!" He told her. "They're really coming!"</p>
<p>"WHO'S coming, Dib?" Gaz asked, raising an eyebrow and looking less-than-convinced.</p>
<p>"I…don't…know…" Dib whispered, looking out the window and at the sky. He only knew he had to stop it…he had a calling, a gift for seeking out the truth…his whole family was special, different from the others…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "This is your Standard-issue Information Retrieval unit." Purple announced, pointing to a robot with a cylindrical head, round eyes and short, stubby legs with little hands. It's eyes, "shoulder pads" and round chest spot were all red. "Also known as "SIR"." Purple told the Invaders. "It will assist you in gathering valuable information during your mission."</p>
<p>"It's also a thermos!" Red added, holding a claw up.</p>
<p>"Who wants this one?" Purple asked, holding the SIR unit up in the air.</p>
<p>"Ooh, ooh, me!" One called out.</p>
<p>Purple threw it and it bounced off the Invader's head. "OW!...thank you." The invader said.</p>
<p>Red nodded. "Everyone else, line up and take a robot!"</p>
<p>One by one the invaders lined up. From out of the wall, a long mechanical tentacle that serves as a conveyor belt emerged, and from this, several compact SIR units slid down to the floor below. Invader Larb was lucky enough to get the next one.</p>
<p>"SIR! Go warm up my ship's engines." He ordered.</p>
<p>The little robot saluted. "Yes master, I obey!"</p>
<p>He walked off, with Larb following after. And who else should be there, but…</p>
<p>"YES!" Zim laughed, rubbing his hands. "At last, a robot slave of my very own!" He said as he stepped forward and held out his arms.</p>
<p>Red grinned evilly. "Um, eh, we have a top-secret model for you, Zim." He said. "Close your eyes and you will get a big surprise!"</p>
<p>Naturally, Zim closed his eyes. Red waved his hand over a hole near him and a trashcan popped up from the floor. Red rummaged through the junk and SIR parts, whilst Purple tossed out a screw, 2 pennies, a paper clip, and a rubber ball from his pocket band around his body. As Red attached some eyes to a head, Purple dumped the contents of his pocket n as a brain for the new robot.</p>
<p>Needless to say, when Zim opened his eyes and looked the hunk of junk over, he was less than pleased. "It looks kind of... not good." He said, pointing at it.</p>
<p>Purple nodded. "Yes! Well, that's what the enemy will think! Get it?" He asked, as Red nodded in agreement.</p>
<p>Zim smiled, "getting it". "I see! Very good! It even fooled me! I am honored to be trusted with such advanced technology!"</p>
<p>The Tallest tried to suppress their giggles and weren't doing a good job…and then the robot activated!</p>
<p>"GIR , reporting for duty!" It said, saluting as it spoke with it's strange little mouth.</p>
<p>Zim raised an eyebrow, confused. "GIR? What does the "G" stand for?"</p>
<p>And then the SIR unit's eyes turned a light teal color to match the patches on its body. "I don't know!" He said in a sing-song voice. He stood there, head tilted to the side, tongue sticking out of his mouth slightly in stupidity. Then he began to bang his head, going "whooo-whooo-whooo" as he did so.</p>
<p>Zim looked VERY skeptical. "Um, is it supposed to be stupid?" He asked the Tallest.</p>
<p>"It's not stupid, it's ADVANCED." Purple defended.</p>
<p>The two Tallest chuckled to thesmelves as GIR hopped up and down on his head…yes, he was definitely a robot that was not like the others…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… one by one the Irken ships left Coventia…and Zim had already gotten inside of his own ship.</p>
<p>"Okay, ! Our mission starts now! Let us reign some doom down upon the filthy heads of our doomed enemies!" Zim proclaimed as GIR sat next to him.</p>
<p>"I'm gonna sing the doom song now!" GIR proclaimed. His head rocked back and forth in the air as his eyes glowed briefly. "Doom doom doom doo doom doom! Doom-doom-doom…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… YEARS IN THE PAST…</p>
<p>I bow before her, holding up what she had asked for.</p>
<p>Another mission successful!</p>
<p>"Here it is milady…my Tallest Miyuki."</p>
<p>If cannot see her face, not even if I looked up at it, but I know she's smiling. She lets out a happy sigh and picks up what I offer.</p>
<p>"And it's got a little lemon slice! You REMEMBERED!" She speaks, overjoyed.</p>
<p>She DOES love lemon slices in her seltzers.</p>
<p>My name is Darth. Invader Darth. I am a loyal servant to Tallest Miyuki and…well, I suppose just another servant to Second Tallest Spork.</p>
<p>I don't LIKE Spork. He doesn't like me either. Mostly because he knows I know that he wants to kill Miyuki and take her power from her.</p>
<p>But that's because he's a power-hungry fool with obsessive delusions of grandeur. Such a short-minded idiot. Miyuki is a very kind person. She's also beautiful and wise. Perhaps one of the greatest Tallest we've ever had.</p>
<p>What's that? Oh, you want to know why I talk about her like that. Simple…Miyuki and I have an understanding. She saw my potential and it was because of her that physical defectives like me are given special training instead of being…retired…</p>
<p>A mental defect is something unforgivable. A physical defect can be worked around. Take me…</p>
<p>I am blind, true, but I know my way around a ship…around Irk, around Foodcourtia and around the vending machines better than ANYBODY else on the planet because of practice, a keenly developed senses and…a reason for being…</p>
<p>Spork wanted us physical defectives trashed. Miyuki put my life on the line, saying that I could prove myself to be an Invader…and she was right to place trust in me. I became an Invader, Spork ate his own words and I now am happy as Miyuki's personal delivery boy.</p>
<p>I wish I could see her though…and that's where IT comes in. The Bio-Interfacial-Neurological-Enhancement-Device, or BINED. It's designed for one purpose: to allow me to see as my ship. I interface with the CPU and I see…</p>
<p>It allows me to see an area within 50 feet of it…and Miyuki has no idea of this little trick. I installed the feature into the computer myself. Now it's as if I CAN see.</p>
<p>"Don't you WANT to see?" Well, yes…in fact…</p>
<p>I COULD have been able to gain the gift by using an implant taking from an alien species known as the "Modians". I have a Modian child in my ship.</p>
<p>But I've never touched him. He remains within a tube, cared for, sleeping peacefully most of the time. He'll be invaluable one day, I know it. I spared him from dying whilst his family burned. I knew he would be of use…</p>
<p>Yes, I could take his eyes for myself and see…but I won't. No need.</p>
<p>Because…</p>
<p>Because occasionally it happens…Miyuki does what she does now…she kneels down and looks into my eyes and I hear a soft whisper, saying I may touch her. She knows I cannot see, knows of my dirty little secret and approves…she is proud of me, I imagine…</p>
<p>And she lets me hold her cheek without gloves upon my claws…I feel around her face…careful not to touch her beautiful eyes…and I picture her within my mind as I smile, the warmth from her smile beaming at me like rays of sunlight…</p>
<p>I finish and bow, then she speaks again, taller than me once more, asking me to complete another mission.</p>
<p>A simple one. Recon at Planet Dirt. There have been some problems with the vending machines over there and she'd like me to fix them.</p>
<p>I say yes. I imagine she nods at me, then she dismisses me and says to "Come back as soon as you can" in that gentle voice of hers.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…I was just fixing the last of them when there's shouting and cries from the lounge area at the training center on Dirt. I head towards this symphony of sorrow and open the door. "What's going on?" I ask.</p>
<p>"She…she…"</p>
<p>The tone in his voice means something terrible. Something awful. Probably death…</p>
<p>And he said SHE…</p>
<p>"Miyuki?" I whisper.</p>
<p>"She was…eaten…EATEN!" One screams. I can hear tugging that indicates he's pulling on his antennae. Another one is rolling on the ground, the alterating pitch of his voice giving away a steady mix of horror and sorrow.</p>
<p>"That creation of HIS killed her! The defective!" That one from before snarls. I hear a THWUMP and know he's punched the couch. "ZIM!"</p>
<p>…did he say…</p>
<p>"Zim?"</p>
<p>"ZIM." They all hiss together.</p>
<p>Zim…</p>
<p>
  <strong>ZIM!</strong>
</p>
<p>Skoodge's friend. My old pal Skoodge has told me stories about Zim…enough to fill a book! He's absolutely IDIOTIC…he destroys everything he touches…</p>
<p>He destroyed Miyuki.</p>
<p>"He's…going…to…DIE!" I howl.</p>
<p>I'm at the ship in a matter of minutes. I take off at full speed. It'll take at least a month for me to get there, but as long as there are no problems with the ship, I'll-</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…sigh. Why do I keep not seeing those asteroids?</p>
<p>I'm still repairing my ship when the broadcast channel comes on, revealing that Zim has been sent away to a far-off corner of the galaxy. In fact, they're tracking him at "Station IRK" for funsies. I hear the location played…</p>
<p>I start the ship up.</p>
<p>I close my eyes and I can still see in my mind's eye Tallest Miyuki, and as I reach up, I can almost feel her cheeks again…</p>
<p>Zim will die. He's easy enough to find…</p>
<p>He's an Irken who is not like the others…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>...<em>I have a specific goal…</em></p>
<p>
  <em>I have an important mission…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I cannot fail with the power I have…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Their destiny will be cruel unless I do something.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And I shall! They will not meet their doom as long as I draw breath…as long as I have this power!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>My destiny is not like the others…</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Nightmare Begins, Part Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>So many claim to see the light...it seems to me that everyone has lost their patience. Everyone thinks they're right...nobody thinks that there just might...be more than one road to our final destination!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And I'm not ever gonna know...if I'm right or wrong...cuz we're all goin' in the same direction! Are you really sure which way to go? Because all along...we've been going in the same direction!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS…PART TWO</strong>
</p>
<p>Skoodge had arrived on Planet Borch and was trying to develop a strain of cancer that would destroy the Slaughtering Rat People. Unfortunately for him that meant making sure the cancer wouldn't affect IRKEN cells. In the process of making sure that the virus was "Irken-Friendly" he accidentally pricked himself.</p>
<p>POINK!</p>
<p>So now he'd called up for help. As luck would have it, somebody answered his distress call.</p>
<p>"Hello? Skoodge?"</p>
<p>"DARTH? Is that you? Phew, I was worried…anyhow, I need some help. I've accidentally infected myself with a cancer."</p>
<p>"Do you have a "SIR" unit with you?" Darth's voice asked him over Skoodge's ship intercom.</p>
<p>"Yeah." Skoodge admitted, looking at his SIR.</p>
<p>"I've got nothing to listen to but dumb instructional tapes here in my ship, so here…I'll tell you what to say to the SIR unit. Tell it that it's a code C-28 and that you need an answer. Then have it run diagnostics and it'll do the rest." Darth instructed.</p>
<p>Skoodge turned to his SIR unit. "SIR! Code C-28! I need an answer, start!"</p>
<p>"Your infection is in the early stages. Shall I run diagnostics to delve further?" His SIR unit asked, inspecting Skoodge.</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>A few moments and some careful examination later the SIR unit's eyes retracted to normal and it saluted. "Would you like a re-assuring pep-talk sir?" He asked.</p>
<p>"…er, yes."</p>
<p>"You are <strong>strong</strong>. You will beat <em>thi-thi-thi</em>-"</p>
<p>It's head began to spark and fizzle, and suddenly the head came COMPLETELY off with a "THUNK".</p>
<p>"Uh…Darth? It's head fell off!"</p>
<p>Darth slapped his face. Great. Now he had to stop by Blorch and help Skoodge. Was he EVER going to get to Irk? It had been six months since he'd started his travel after Zim, now he'd have to wait even longer!</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…It had been six months since Zim had left the Great Assigning.</p>
<p>And…well…</p>
<p>GIR would just not stop singing the "Doom Song".</p>
<p>By now Zim was slouching in his seat, drooling as one eyelid twitched.</p>
<p>"GIR…please…stop…singing…the Doom Song."</p>
<p>GIR, however, kept singing. Zim was about to STRANGLE the annoying little robot when…</p>
<p>His computer spoke up. "Proximity Warning: Planet ahead!"</p>
<p>He looked out though the window ahead of him and saw it…the swirling blue orb that was Earth. He smiled to himself and turned to GIR. "GIR! We're here! We're finally here!"</p>
<p>But GIR would NOT be interrupted. He held up a "finger"…obviously he wasn't finished with the "Doom Song". He continued to sing "Doom-dee-doom-doom-doom" whilst bobbing his head back and forth, waving his little legs in the air and grinning stupidly. "Doom-doom-doom, the end!" Then his eyes went wide as he pointed at the Earth. "Oooh! What's THAT?" He asked.</p>
<p>"Planet Earth!" Zim said as he looked down at the display screen of his Voot Cruiser's console. "This must be the place! Okay, first we have to set up a base of operations." He told GIR, who giggled. Zim's eyes narrowed. "FOCUS, GIR! This is where your advanced information gathering skills come in handy!"</p>
<p>GIR's eyes became red. He saluted. "Yes, my master!" Then his eyes turned back to normal as he peered out the side window. Zim went on. "You have to observe what these…Earthenoids…" He mumbled, waving his hand dismissively. "Consider to be…normal. Then, based on your observations, we make our disguises…and our home." He spoke up as the ship came closer and closer to the surface of the planet.</p>
<p>They looked around, their ship going over the city as they searched and searched. But they weren't searching for long before Zim saw a space between two houses.</p>
<p>"HERE! We build HERE!" he announced, touching his spaceship down onto the ground. He looked around as he emerged from a smoky cloud of dust, then grinned triumphantly.</p>
<p>"Ah, that was easy!" He announced. "GIR, get out here!" He commanded.</p>
<p>GIR popped his little head out of the ship's hatch, then jumped over to his master's side…or WOULD have, only he accidentally stumbled and hit the ground face-first. Zim groaned.</p>
<p>"Hurry, GIR. What did you learn?" Zim asked. Now he could find out what he needed to-</p>
<p>"I saw a squirrel!" GIR remarked happily. "It went like this!" He promptly made squirrel noises, biting the air with buck teeth.</p>
<p>Zim was not discouraged though. "Concentrate, GIR! It's time for disguises." He told the robot.</p>
<p>"I wanna be a mongoose!" GIR spoke up.</p>
<p>"SHH! We have to be QUIET!" Zim insisted, holding a "finger" over his mouth.</p>
<p>"GIR'S eyes turned red as he saluted. Zim carefully made his way over to his ship as it turned over itself and transformed into the necessary form needed to make disguises. Now two pods stood on either side…</p>
<p>A display screen popped up, showing Zim's figure. Then it showed a human disguise of a man with red hair, glasses, a dark jacket and big boots.</p>
<p>"Too ugly." Zim remarked.</p>
<p>The next one was a rather large man with a big beard, a teal sweater and glasses.</p>
<p>"Too stinky!"</p>
<p>The next…well, it just showed Zim wearing contact lenses and a toupee atop his head. Which makes you wonder how "advanced" Zim's SHIP was…</p>
<p>"THAT one looks good." Zim said, choosing that disguise.</p>
<p>The two pods enclosed Zim as the transformation work began. Light began to pour out of the cracks. "AAA! Why does it HURT!?" Zim howled.</p>
<p>And then…POOF! They pulled apart, showing Zim to be wearing contacts that made him look like he had human eyes with a black toupee over his head.</p>
<p>GIR was confused. He looked around. "Master? Where'd you go? Where are you?" He asked.</p>
<p>"I'm right here, GIR." Zim said, putting a hand on his chest. "It's ME. And keep it down! You wanna wake up the whole planet?!"</p>
<p>"I <strong>do</strong>." GIR admitted.</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his chin. "See, for you, I'm thinking maybe…a dog disguise." He told his robot.</p>
<p>"Can I be a mongoose dog?" GIR requested.</p>
<p>"NO." Zim snapped.</p>
<p>Zim looked through several breeds of dogs, then finally selected one. "Today…we become…the enemy." Zim told him.</p>
<p>GIR was transformed…only his disguise wasn't very good either…he basically was green in color, with a little red tongue sticking out of the front and a zipper plain as the lack of nose on Zim's face on his stomach and chest.</p>
<p>"I'm a GENIUS!" Zim proclaimed. "Now…all we need is to make a home."</p>
<p>He pulled out a capsule from the ship and it opened up to form a doodle pad! He took an electronic pen and began to form a house. "Some windows…yes, and a couple little animal things out front…and…THERE." He was finished. He put the pad into a capsule with a drill, then placed the capsule into the ground.</p>
<p>"GIR, hide!" He ordered.</p>
<p>Zim hid behind a fire hydrant while GIR simply stood in the street.</p>
<p>"And be QUIET." Zim hissed. "We don't want to make a sound!"</p>
<p>The capsule bored deeper and deeper into the ground before it finally stopped, and then unfolded into a fan shape which shot mechanical tentacles in all directions. The tentacles reached the surface and lifted Zim's ship into the air. A platform formed beneath the ship as and a metal hub popped out of the ground, while two poles shoot out on either side of the hub. That hub opened and light poured out…</p>
<p>Then a compact pink couch poped out of the hub and flew into the air. It couch unfolded and hit the ground, and four poles stood from from the ground as that occurred. These poles shot out more metal tentacles that interlocked, forming a box. The tentacles that had lifted the Voot Runner in the air formed a wire frame of the interior of the house. The four poles shoot out beams of light that fill in the gaps between the poles. The beams of light then became solid walls complete with windows, a door, and other nice accessories. Two panels come out of the top of the house which closed over the Voot Runner and interlocked to form the roof. A large hub formed on the right side of the roof and out of this hub, a mechanical arm was made which became a satellite moments later. Some large tentacles shot out of the left and the right of the house and latched on to the houses on both sides.</p>
<p>Below Zim's new house, a lab full Irken computers and technology was being created, whilst ack at the surface, lights on Zim's house flicker on as wooden fences sprouted around the house. Then precisely four lawn gnomes, two puffer fish, and a flamingo sprouted in the lawn.</p>
<p>Naturally this was all VERY, VERY <strong>LOUD</strong>. The neighbors were woken up, car alarms are turned off and some poked their heads outside to see what wa going on. Not wanting to look "abnormal" Zim grabbed GIR by the leash and dragged him along towards the house while whistling.</p>
<p>It was then that the door opened and two very crudely-made robots appeared, both looking vaguely like a mother and a father human. The mom had frizzy blue hair and was wearing yellow washing gloves. The father had glasses, a pipe in his mouth. "Welcome home, son." They said, as they let him in.</p>
<p>"PHEW." Zim sighed in relief. "Step 1 went smoothly!" He announced.</p>
<p>
  <em>IDIOT…</em>
</p>
<p>Zim looked around. He looked at GIR, but GIR had apparently not spoke. Shrugging it off, he and GIR walked into the kitchen and up to a blue metal trash can. GIR pressed the "Open" tab and Zim hopped in.</p>
<p>Soon he was descending into his lab through an elevator tube, talking to himself. "The Tallest WERE wise to choose me." He remarked. This planet won't know what hit it after I've learned it's weaknesses-OH!" He scratched his eyes. "AAA!" He howled. "These lenses are all scratchy!"</p>
<p>Eventually he was deposited in a chair below and looked at a computer screen. "Now to find the best possible way of learning about this sad little planet. The more we know, the sooner we can conquer this spinning ball of…" He hesitated. What to say? "Er…filthy…DIRT." He decided.</p>
<p>And it was then that he saw it…what he needed to learn…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…school had once been a happy place on the Planet Earth. Well, happy as it could have been.</p>
<p>But it had been 10 years since 9/11. Life was drastically different. Budgets had been cut, sources of money diverted to other more…well "useful" parts of the government. School wasn't deemed quite as useful and you could see it in the shape of it…it had no name, save for the letters that read "SKOOL" out front in decayed letters. The bathrooms were stinky and very dirty. The food…er, I'll talk about that later.</p>
<p>The schoolchildren of Ms. Bitters 5th grade class were looking at their newest student. Ms. Bitters was a pale and wrinkly old woman with claw-like hands, glasses that had no pupils, and white hair tied into a bun behind her. Above all, she was ugly, her voice snappy, and always hunched. In fact, they had BUILT the school around her, she was just that old.</p>
<p>She also used to be a fairy princess, but that's another story for another time.</p>
<p>She addressed the class. "Class, I would like to introduce the newest, hopeless appendage to your student body. His name is Zim." She turned her head slightly to look down on him. "Zim, if you have something to say, say it now…because after this moment, I don't wanna hear another sound from you!"</p>
<p>Zim smiled nervously and waved. "Hello friends! I am a perfectly normal human worm baby!"</p>
<p>Most of the class didn't really seem to "care". But Dib was pointing right at Zim, eyes wide, finger outstretched, body quivering. Zim went on.</p>
<p>"You have nothing, absolutely nothing to fear from me! Just ignore me and we'll get along just fine." He said.</p>
<p>"Take your seat, Zim." Ms. Bitters snapped. "Now, today's lecture is about outer space."</p>
<p>Zim raised an eyebrow as he sat down.</p>
<p>"AND HOW IT WILL EVENTUALLY IMPLODE ON ITSELF!...it's called the "Big Crunch." She explained.</p>
<p>"Oh. Right." Zim muttered. Then he got an idea and stood upon his desk, arms raised up.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters growled. Did he listen to ANYTHING she'd just said? "Yes, Zim?" She snapped.</p>
<p>"In the event of, say…" He tapped his fingers together. "A full scale alien invasion, how prepared do you think this planet's defenses would be? TELL ME." He demanded.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters just raised an eyebrow before going on, holding her hands together at the fingertips. "As I was saying…the universe is doomed. Doomed! DOOOOOMED!" She announced.</p>
<p>A bug crawled over her face, but she continued to say "doom" over and over, not noticing and/or caring.</p>
<p>Dib then spoke up, sighing. "Okay…am I the ONLY one who sees the alien in class?"</p>
<p>Everyone looked around. Aa monkey called out some somewhere. Nobody seemed to notice any alien, so Dib pointed at Zim.</p>
<p>"THERE!" He shouted.</p>
<p>Zim began to sweat visibly. <em>Oh dear</em>, he thought.</p>
<p>"That's no KID! That's an alien!" Dib insisted. "An ALIEN! One of the monsters I've been talking about!" He proclaimed as Zim slowly turned his head, eyes wide with fear. "He's here to conquer Earth!" Dib went on as Zim reached for the self-destruct button hidden underneath the sleeve of his arm…</p>
<p>But then…salvation.</p>
<p>Zita rolled her eyes. "Not this again…you're CRAZY!"</p>
<p>Zim relaxed at this. So this…stink beast's own people didn't trust him? GOOD. He put his hand away from the button.</p>
<p>"What about his horrible green HEAD?!" Dib asked, looking exasperated.</p>
<p>Zim clenched his fists and turned to look at this human. "Insolent fool boy! It's a skin condition!"</p>
<p>"And he's got no ears!" Dib went on, waving a finger in the air. "NO EARS! Is THAT a part of your skin condition, Zim?"</p>
<p>"…<em>yes</em>…" Zim mumbled, trying to sound embarrassed. He had to admit, ears were…nice. Why didn't HE have a nice pair of ears?</p>
<p>Everyone glared at Dib hatefully.</p>
<p>"GEEZ, Dib!" One of the kids growled. "You think just cuz somebody looks different, you can call 'em an ALIEN?"</p>
<p>"I guess Old Kid's an alien too, huh?" Another asked, jabbing his thumb at a man who was the size of a child who had wrinkled, old skin. The "kid" waved cheerfully.</p>
<p>Dib, however, would not be so easily deterred. He went up to the board and quickly drew two figures up on the board. He sighed and turned to face the class. "Okay…look." He pointe dup at the first with a pointer. "This…is US. Over HERE…is Zim? Get it? Anyone? Anyone? Questions?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>Another student spoke up. "Yeah…what's your BEEF, Dib? All y'all do is talk 'bout seein' aliens, ghosts and BIGFOOT in y'all garage." He said.</p>
<p>"<em>He was using the belt sander</em>." Dib mumbled, looking to the side.</p>
<p>DIB? Short for DIBBUN? How interesting…</p>
<p>That was a GALACTIC name. It meant "little one" or "child." Zim decided to join in, feeling considerably less afraid of somebody named "Dibbun". "Yeah, he's ALWAYS saying stuff. I remember that one time-"</p>
<p>Dib was in his face in an instant. "Hey! Don't join in! Don't let him trick you everyone! I know what I'm talking about! I've always told you there are aliens out there" Dib insisted. "And THERE the proof is…he's sitting right THERE!" He said, pointing at Zim.</p>
<p>Zim began to sweat.</p>
<p>"Well…he does look pretty WEIRD." One student admitted.</p>
<p>"And he IS sitting!" Another piped in.</p>
<p>"You see? He's actually proof that all the things that I've been saying are true!" He happily rubbed his hands, looking at the ceiling. "Finally, there's proof that I'm…I'm…"</p>
<p>Zim covered his mouth and imitated Dib's voice. "I'm crazy!"</p>
<p>Zita nodded. "Okay, THAT makes sense."</p>
<p>"Yeah, to think we almost BELIEVED him!" Another student spoke up.</p>
<p>Dib's eyes narrowed. Zim's eyes narrowed. You could feel lightning split the air between the two of them.</p>
<p>This…meant…WAR!</p>
<p>"Doom...doom...doom...go home now." Ms. Bitters said, pointing for them to go because it was time to go home.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…the students piled out of the school in any way they could, and Zim calmly stepped down the steps, planning on heading home. But then he heard him…</p>
<p>"ZIM." Dib opened the doors and stood at the top of the stairs, holding onto his jacket with one hand in a triumphantly proud pose. "Maybe nobody else saw through your cruddy disguise…but I will get them to see the truth!" He insisted, pointing at the alien.</p>
<p>"No one will believe you." Zim said coolly, turning around.</p>
<p>But then Dib leapt on top of the railing and slid down it, jumping off and landing before Zim. "They will if I bring you to them WITHOUT your disguise!" He said, grinning as he removed a pair of handcuffs from his jacket pocket. "I ordered this from one of my UFO-zines!"</p>
<p>Zim took a step back, eyes wide. "Ooh!" It's <em>pretty</em>. What is it?" He asked innocently.</p>
<p>"These are alien sleep cuffs, guaranteed to render all alien life forms unconscious!" Dib proclaimed.</p>
<p>Zim looked at the cuffs, then at Dib. "Er, how do you know it works if you never found an alien before?"</p>
<p>Dib grinned. "I'm gonna find out right now!" He roared.</p>
<p>He leapt at Zim with a battle cry, but Zim leapt over him and ran off. The two took off down the sidewalk, running as fast as they could.</p>
<p>"Leave me aloooone!" Zim proclaimed. This looked VERY bad. "I just wanna go home and be all normal!"</p>
<p>"Yeah, good luck with THAT." A mood-necklace-wearing teenager on a bench said, snickering madly as the two raced by him.</p>
<p>They made it to the street. When Zim knocked into the crossing guard, the poor man spins around and accidentally hits Dib with his stop sign. Zim smiled at the groaning form of Dib and then ran into an alleyway. Jumping on top of a tire, he grabbed a pair of pants hanging on a clothesline and slid down, knocking the other clothes away…</p>
<p>But Dib appears at the other end of the alleyway in front of Zim, grinning evilly. Quickly, Zim lets go of the pants and hit a box of oranges, knocking Dib over. The alien tried to go into the street…</p>
<p>WOAH!</p>
<p>He was almost hit by a car. The driver angrily honked at Zim, but rather than keep moving in the street, Zim climbed to the top of the car. He hopped from car to car as Dib followed bellow on the side walk. Then Zim climbed to the top of a fake ice cream cone which stood atop an ice cream truck. Instead of music coming out of the ice cream truck's speakers though, a voice spoke, demanding that people buy ice cream "for without it, their existence was meaningless".</p>
<p>Yeah, this world was weird.</p>
<p>A school bus drove up next to the ice cream truck as Dib laughed maniacally. Zim jumped from the ice cream truck to the school bus as Dib followed after, climbing up onto the school bus. Zim was cornered as Dib advanced.</p>
<p>"They might even name your autopsy video after ME!" Dib crowed, dark glee filling his features.</p>
<p>Luckily for Zim, that was when the bus took off. Zim lost his grip and flew off the top, landing on a fence.</p>
<p>"HA! See ya, Dib!" He proclaimed, grinning triumphantly. "Pitiful HUMAN!"</p>
<p>It was then that a dog jumped into the air, biting Zim's head. OUCH.</p>
<p>ONE VERY SHORT BUT VIOLENT SKIRMISH LATER…</p>
<p>Zim opened his communicator as he hid from Dib. "GIR, hurry! I don't have much tiiime!" He whispered into it.</p>
<p>"Yes sir!" GIR said, and a few moments later he appeared, using his jet-pack feet to propel him to his master.</p>
<p>"Get me out of here <strong>now</strong>, GIR, NOW!" Zim demanded.</p>
<p>"Okey-dokey!" GIR agreed, as Zim held onto his ears. But Zim soon regretted it, because GIR took off WAY too fast! Screaming all the way, Zim and GIR headed for Zim's home, not noticing the trail of smoke they were leaving behind…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim and GIR hit the door of Zim's house as Zim adjusted his toupee. "Good…work…GIR…" He mumbled.</p>
<p>"THERE you are."</p>
<p>Zim gasped as Dib emerged from the smoke to stand on Zim's law, eyes narrowed, a dark glare on his face.</p>
<p>"GIR, quick, get into the house! Hurry!" Zim ordered.</p>
<p>Zim and GIR ran inside as Dib ran up to the door, pounding on it angrily. "Your little tricks won't work on ME, Zim!" He shouted. "I know where you live now!" He said, going by the window.</p>
<p>"Ooh, your friend's at the window!" GIR said cheerfully as Zim pressed against the front door, panting heavily.</p>
<p>"You can't hide forever! And if you can, then I'll WAIT forever!" Dib proclaimed, holding the alien sleep cuffs up.</p>
<p>One of the lawn gnome's eyes turned bright red…</p>
<p>"I've been preparing my whole life for this day!" Dib shouted. Then a laser blast obliterated the cuffs. Dib looked at the lawn gnome who's eyes had fired, then at the pile of ash that had been his 18.99 Alien Sleep Cuffs.</p>
<p>"…okay…I'm gonna go back home and prepare some <em>more</em>." He announced. "But I'll be back, Zim!" He insisted. "And from here to the ends of the Earth to the tippy tops of the mountains to the bottoms of the ocean…"</p>
<p>Zim removed a twig from his toupee. "Well, I feel good about how today went." He told the un-disguised GIR.</p>
<p>SOME TIME LATER…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… Aboard the "Massive" that was the Armada's best ship and the one in which the Almighty Tallest sat aboard, an operator suddenly spoke up.</p>
<p>"Sir, we're receiving an incoming transmission from…Earth…" He spoke the last word with confusion.</p>
<p>"What's "Earth"?" Purple asked Red as Red sipped on a soda. For some reason it sounded oddly familiar to him. Red just shrugged.</p>
<p>The holo-vid display screen popped up…and there was Zim, smiling happily. "Invader Zim reporting in. The mission goes well."</p>
<p>Red dropped his soda. Purple's eyes went wide.</p>
<p>"But SURELY you expected that from ME." Zim said proudly.</p>
<p>"Zim…" Red whispered.</p>
<p>"You're ALIVE?!" Purple asked, mortified.</p>
<p>"Oh yes. So very alive! And full of goo!" He leaned in, crouched over slightly and clenched his fists triumphantly. "MISSION goo!" He stood back up and pointed at the ground, jabbing slightly. "Don't be surprised if I take care of the "humans" before the armada even GETS here." He went on. Then he saluted. "Well, I've much work to do, so…Invader Zim, signing off!"</p>
<p>BA-BOOMP! GIR landed hard on Zim's head and they BOTH fell down to the ground. "AH! My spine!" Zim grunted.</p>
<p>Red and Purple blinked slowly. Then they turned to each other, eyes wide.</p>
<p>"I got a bad feeling about this." Purple spoke.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib slowly walked home, rubbing his head. "Rassafrassin' aliens…curse you, ZIM! I swear, I'll get you…"</p>
<p>He passed by somebody who was looking at the newspaper as he walked towards home. Then…</p>
<p>"You don't need to worry."</p>
<p>Dib stopped. He turned around and looked at the teenager who had just put the newspaper down. Hazel green eyes looked at him as a good face smiled gently. "It's all going to work out." The teen said.</p>
<p>"I know you, you're one of the student teachers…one of the substitutes." Dib spoke up, pointing at him. "Wait…do you…"</p>
<p>"Dib…just relax. Know that you're being looked after. In fact…" The teen spoke up and put his hand on his chest, just below the mood cross necklace he had. "You can think of me as your guardian angel…"</p>
<p>With that, the teen smiled and walked off. Dib blinked a few times.</p>
<p>Guardian Angel?</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim calmly picked himself up from off the floor and dusted himself off as he headed towards the stairs that were at the back of his laboratory. He slowly walked up the stairs, feeling confident.</p>
<p>His mission was going smoothly. Soon he'd be in charge of all of Earth!</p>
<p>But then he heard a bell ringing. Specifically the "doorbell". Annoyed, he headed for the front door as soon as he'd reached the main level, putting his disguise back on. If it was that stink beast Dib, then-</p>
<p>It was an older human. A taller one. One that was…almost as tall as the Tallest themselves! Ms. Bitters was always hunched over, so he didn't really know what she looked like at full height, but THIS one…</p>
<p>And so <strong>close</strong>…</p>
<p>"Hello Invader Zim. We gotta talk." The human said, shrugging nonchalantly and giving him an innocent smile.</p>
<p>It was only the first day and his mission was compromised! Dib had gotten to somebody! Somebody TALL!</p>
<p>"AAA!" Zim screamed, running around in a circle in the living room. "GIR, GIR! HEEEELLLPPP!"</p>
<p>"Calm DOWN, Zim!" The teen spoke up. "I'm not gonna hurt you." He insisted, waving a hand in the air.</p>
<p>Zim continued to run around in a circle for a good five minutes while the human TRIED to explain himself…not that Zim was listening. Then Zim remembered that there were weapons in this house.</p>
<p>He quickly dove underneath the couch, then re-emerged with a large weapon that had energy carbines on either side of it. The blaster gleamed black in the light of the room. "I'll s'plode you!" He shouted.</p>
<p>"Hey, hold on!" The teen said, holding up his hands and shaking his head. "I'm not-"</p>
<p>Zim fired off his gun. It shot a bolt through the house…missing the human completely.</p>
<p>"Now could you please-"</p>
<p>ZAP!</p>
<p>He missed again.</p>
<p>"Just-"</p>
<p>ZOP!</p>
<p>Missed AGAIN.</p>
<p>"LISTEN TO ME!?"</p>
<p>This time the bolt struck the human and he sailed through the door, landing outside on the lawn. Zim clenched his fist. "Victory for ZIM!"</p>
<p>Then that grin on his face vanished as the human stood up, eyes narrowing. "Alright, that's it. Nice is nice, but <strong>ENOUGH is ENOUGH!</strong>" He shouted.</p>
<p>FIVE…MINUTES…LATER…</p>
<p>Zim had been tied to a blade of a ceiling fan and was slowly revolving around.</p>
<p>"Are you going to listen to me NOW?" The teen asked.</p>
<p>"…<em>yes</em>." Zim squeaked.</p>
<p>"Good. Now Zim…I…am the NARRATOR." The Narrator told him, pointing at the sky in a melodramatic fashion. "I control <strong>REALITY ITSELF</strong>, and you, Zim…are one of my charges. As such, it is my duty to look after you and ensure that you will ultimately reach your destiny."</p>
<p>Zim's went wide. "Does it involve being the awesomest Invader ever?"</p>
<p>"It does indeed."</p>
<p>Zim punched the air with both fists. "Woohoo!"</p>
<p>"Among other things." The teen added. "Now listen up…you're going to be seeing me around…and I'm going to need to remind you when you cross the line. So just a warning…don't KILL anyone." He said, holding up a finger. "And you're not to tell anybody who I am, got it? NOBODY can know. It'll be our little secret!" He laughed happily.</p>
<p>Zim nodded.</p>
<p>"Now then…I'll see you around. Take care."</p>
<p>With that, he walked off. Zim suddenly realized that he was still tied to the blade of the ceiling fan.</p>
<p>"Er…you forgot to get me down...you've just...left Zim here..." He asked quietly. "Hello?...GIR? GIIIR! HELP YOUR MASTER! HELP HIM <strong>NOOOOW!"</strong></p>
<p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>And so the series gets underway! I hope you've enjoyed the first two chapters. And don't worry, the narrator's role is simply to act through the world around Zim, he's not really got much of a "hand's-on" job, so he couldn't stop Zim from, say, buying a Megadoomer, even if he wanted to.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>There's going to be quite a few cameos in this story too from a very special person who made a very special "cult hit". See if you can recognize when he appears!</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Enemy Within</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>You're weak...it's true...cuz you're afraid to know the answer...but do you WANT to?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>THE ENEMY WITHIN</strong>
</p>
<p>Gaz though that the substitute teacher that had been recently employed by the school was kinda weird.</p>
<p>From the rumors, he had to report to Ms. Bitters, that nasty white-haired crone. His name was Mr. Grey, or as he prefered to be called, "Nick". In fact, he had told Gaz just so.</p>
<p>"Hey, my DAD'S Mr. Grey…actually he's DR. Grey. Just call me Nick."</p>
<p>Yeah. Kinda weird…</p>
<p>Gaz had been about to find a seat in the cafeteria when she saw the brown-haired, teenage student substitute teacher hunched over in HIS seat, forehead on the table, groaning. Gaz looked intrigued with his pain and walked over to him and saw her idiotic brother was sitting with him as well.</p>
<p>"What's wrong?" Dib finally asked him, looking concerned.</p>
<p>"My stomach's fluttery, my head feels like it's on fire…" The teen gasped out. "I'm sweating like a diseased yak and I feel all "oogy"…I think I might even throw up." He finished, his voice hoarse.</p>
<p>"…you ate the cafeteria's meatloaf, didn't you?" Gaz asked.</p>
<p>"Forgot to pack a sandwich…" He moaned out. "I shoulda…brought it like…my girlfriend suggested…" He lifted his head back up. "Who MAKES this food anyhow?"</p>
<p>"That would be Mr. Derp, the Food Manager." Gaz said, sipping on a juice box. "He's kind of an idiot. More so than even you. And he's fat. More so than you."</p>
<p>"Hey, I'm only SLIGHTLY over-whatever!" The teen mumbled. "…I hope tomorrow will be better…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…unfortunately, the next day wasn't too good for Gaz, Dib, Zim or Nick. It started simply enough…with Melvin's report.</p>
<p>Melvin was a bald child with an orange t-shirt that had a big smiley face on it. He had been talking all about a "big space adventure".</p>
<p>"And in outer space, I'm gonna collect rocks from Mars, and float in the space shuttle, and I'll make friends with the space monkey!" He finished, beaming happily.</p>
<p>Dib leaned in next to The Letter M. "Look.." He told the African American. "I followed him to his house, I've been doing RESEARCH. I know that kid is an alien."</p>
<p>"What kid?" The Letter M asked again.</p>
<p>"The NEW kid. Zim, remember?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>The Letter M looked to the side and saw Zim. The new kid had a small device on his head with an eye extending from it. When he saw The Letter M was looking at him he smiled nervously. "I like my new hat." He said.</p>
<p>"…you're crazy." The Letter M told Dib.</p>
<p>Now the machine on Zim's head had turned into something odd. It sent out a dome-like capsule and aimed over the kid sitting next to Zim's head. Then…</p>
<p>SHA-WHOOMP!</p>
<p>The kid slumped in his chair, drooling slightly. Zim absentmindedly twirled his thumbs, looking smug.</p>
<p>Then he stiffened, as if hearing something inside his head. He gulped, and the machine shot back over the kid's head.</p>
<p>SHA-WHOOMP!</p>
<p>The kid sat back up straight.</p>
<p>"Sorry-sorry, please don't smite Ziiim!" Zim mumbled, tossing the "hat" into the garbage and covering his head.</p>
<p>"And THAT'S why I wanna be an astronaut." Melvin finished.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters was over his head, looking down at him and hissing. She held up a drawing of him in a space suit. "Were you to actually wear the space suit that you draw yourself in for your report, Melvin, you would implode in the cold and merciless vacuum of space." She said coldly. Right before his eyes the drawing burnt up into ashes that wooshed out through the window.</p>
<p>Zim began to snicker.</p>
<p>"What do you find so funny?" Ms. Bitters asked.</p>
<p>"His space outfit was pathetic!" Zim snickered. "Also, I just had a nice mental image of him popping…"</p>
<p>"You're <em>disgusting</em>." Dib spoke up.</p>
<p>"Does anybody have any questions?" Ms. Bitters asked.</p>
<p>Dib raised his hand into the air, going "ooh, ooh" as he did so.</p>
<p>"Any questions that DON'T have to do with other students being aliens?!" Ms. Bitters snapped.</p>
<p>Dib's hand slowly lowered back down. Zim nudged the light purple-haired and pretty Zita, who was sitting next to him. "Ha! An alien? Silly human." He said. "Don't you agree?"</p>
<p>"You're weird too." She said. Zim frowned and looked back down at his desk.</p>
<p>LUNCHTIME! DING-A-LING, DING-A-LING-DING!</p>
<p>"Er, what's with the…lamb chops in white sauce? The sauce is red." Gaz spoke up.</p>
<p>"Oh, there was an accident in slicing the meat." Mr. Derp spoke, holding up a plate with lamp chops in RED sauce on it.</p>
<p>"…right, I'll just…order out." Gaz said, walking off with a cell phone in her hand.</p>
<p>"THIS is spaghetti?" Nick asked. "Mammia mia!" He moaned. "This is just like the kind of cooking my mom made for me…BEFORE I RAN AWAY FROM HOME!" He muttered angrily. Then he held up the OTHER part of the meal. "And I swear, the only way to "serve" this…MEATBALL…is with a friggin' <strong>PING-PONG PADDLE!</strong>" He snarled, tossing the meatball to the ground.</p>
<p>Dib, however, was too busy glaring at each Zim, who was sitting next to a child who was trying to each his lung. Zim grinned.</p>
<p>"I don't know why Dib-stink thinks I'm an alien! How silly!"</p>
<p>"…er…yeah…right…" The kid mumbled, putting away his meatloaf.</p>
<p>"I eat food! Just like you!" He proclaimed.</p>
<p>The kid scampered off with his lunch tray. Zim blinked, looked at the kid on his other side. "I have a stomach too!"</p>
<p>THAT child slid away.</p>
<p>Trying not to be discouraged, Zim glanced down at his food, then sniffed it and and gagged.</p>
<p>"Look at him, Gaz! He doesn't like the cafeteria food!" Dib said, pointing at Zim.</p>
<p>"I don't like the cafeteria food either!" Gaz muttered, giving herself fake antennae. "I must be an alien too, huh Dib?" She snapped.</p>
<p>Nick had decided to go get some "corn" instead of eating the spaghetti and meatballs. He headed up to the serving line and looked around at the different filled-up open canisters of food. Ah, to taste corn on the cob!</p>
<p>…hey wait a tick.</p>
<p>"Er…where's the corn?" The disguised narrator asked.</p>
<p>"Yer lookin' at it. The white stuff." The cafeteria lady said, pointing with a ladle.</p>
<p>The teenager looked down at a heaping gob of white stuff. His eyes went wide. "You…you CREAMED it! You…you…<em><strong>NINNY!</strong></em>" He shouted. He then grabbed the ladle from her, grabbed a chunk of the corn and sloshed it into her face, walking off in a huff.</p>
<p>Zim suddenly noticed Dib was looking right at him, from only a few feet away. "What's the matter, space boy? Scared of beans?" He asked, eyes narrowing.</p>
<p>"No! Of course not! I LOVE beans!" Zim protested, looking down at his bean-filled lunch.</p>
<p>Dib held up a spoon and grinned. "Prove it. One scoop. What? Are you SCARED?"</p>
<p>"SCARED? RIDICULOUS!" Zim proclaimed, grabbing the spoon from Dib's hand as Gaz walked over to watch the whole drama unfold. "Behold my superior bean-chewiiing!"</p>
<p>He put the beans into his mouth, then smiled as he chewed. "Mmm, now…" He spoke, voice muffled. "Now dat's goob eatib-"</p>
<p>He didn't get a chance to finish though, because he began to choke, falling backwards and dropping the spoon onto the ground. He then twitched and began to scream in pain as he rolled around and around on the ground.</p>
<p>"Dib, really, did you have to make him do THAT?" Nick thought out loud as he raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Yummy…" Zim tried to say, attempting to get back up.</p>
<p>WOOOOOOOP!</p>
<p>Now, much to Dib's delight, Zim's poor head had BULGED to abnormal size. He was lying in a puddle of green blood that was dripping from out of his mouth and ears and his head was pulsating. Poor Zim groaned in pain as Dib smirked and then jumped on the table, pointing down at Zim and making the other kids notice him.</p>
<p>"SEE?! SEE?!" He cried out. "Look at his HEAD! That is SO not normal! He's an alien! You never believe me, but now there's proof right here!" He shouted.</p>
<p>But unfortunately a few moments later everyone just began to laugh at him. Dib blinked in confusion, then turned around to see…</p>
<p>Just a puddle of Goo. Zim had escaped.</p>
<p>"You're crazy!" Zita laughed.</p>
<p>Dib slapped his face and groaned while Nick balanced a spoon on the end of his nose. "Serves you right." He told Dib. Then he put his hands away, revealing he'd balanced the spoon perfectly. "Ta-daaaa!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…back at Zim's house, Zim collapsed on the floor, spitting out a final bean from his mouth that was covered in green blood.</p>
<p>"I…did not…like the beans." He finally managed to get out.</p>
<p>GIR was sitting on the couch in his disguise. He was playing with a toy piggy and was rather preoccupied.</p>
<p>"GIR!" Zim spoke up harshly, trying to stand up.</p>
<p>GIR turned his head and blinked, then leapt into mid-air, unzipping his costume as he did so. It was MOST impressive. He landed in front of his master as Zim stood up.</p>
<p>"My HEAD…it's so…</p>
<p>"Grotesque!" GIR finished cheerfully.</p>
<p>"YES! Make it less so!" Zim proclaimed, holding onto his swollen head.</p>
<p>"Okey-dokey!" GIR said, leaping onto Zim's head and latching onto it with his own. His body began to pump a large amount of pus into a sack that slowly emerged from his feet, and then once he was finished, GIR hopped off of Zim's head, dragging the foul-smelling, nasty-looking bag of pus away. Zim took a few deep breaths, sighing. Then he headed for the toilet, stepping inside of it as a cord hung down from the wall. He tugged it…</p>
<p>WA-WOOSH! Down he went to his underground laboratory. He walked up to his computer system and rubbed his chin.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Dib was pacing back and forth in the living room whilst Gaz played on her Game Slave.</p>
<p>"I almost HAD him, Gaz!" Dib told her, frowning. "I was so close…closer than ever to proving aliens exist! It's as if dark forces are opposing me!"</p>
<p>"Oh no, not dark forces…" Gaz mumbled sarcastically, bobbing her head.</p>
<p>"I probably should have expected more tricks like that from him." Dib told her, nodding to himself as he held his hands behind his back and continued to pace. "No doubt he's been <em>well-trained</em>." He whispered, eyes narrowing.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Zim had just blown himself up in his "Pain Piggy" video game. He frowned, crossing his arms as the display screen read "Game Over, You Stink". He stuck his tongue out at it and went PHHBBBBBB.</p>
<p>"Cheating pig." He muttered at the game's boss as he leapt out of his chair.</p>
<p>Dib sipped a soda as he continued his little rant back at the Membrane house. "Did you SEE what Earth food did to him?" He asked.</p>
<p>"Are you drinking MY soda?!" Gaz asked, annoyed as she growled at him.</p>
<p>Dib rubbed his chin. "Something IN the food must have triggered something in his hideously filthy alien body chemistry! I'll stage a food fight during lunch…"</p>
<p>What Dib DIDN'T know was that Zim had placed a listening device on his coat, disguised as a button. Zim calmly rubbed his hands as he sat before his computer in his lab, the satellite on top of his house beaming the signal from the listening device down as audio waves for Zim to hear.</p>
<p>"There, in front of everyone, I'll launch food straight into Zim's mouth and the whole school will see Zim for who he TRULY is!" Dib proclaimed.</p>
<p>Zim laughed, throwing his head back. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! The FILTHY human has lost his element of surprise thanks to that ingenious listening device I planted on him!"</p>
<p>"Yeah, maybe he'll EXPLODE!" Dib went on. Zim suddenly felt a little less…happy…upon hearing that. "And his evil intestines will be revealed!"</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "My…evil…intestines?"</p>
<p>
  <strong>BGM: Brief playing of sad violin music</strong>
</p>
<p>A single tear appeared in Zim's eyes. "But they're NICE intestines…" He mumbled. He rubbed his eyes with his gloves then pointed at the sky.</p>
<p>
  <strong>(End music)</strong>
</p>
<p>"GIR! Meet me in the…er…the making stuff room…" He mumbled. "I need a better name for it…"</p>
<p>Heading towards the "making stuff room", GIR and Zim stepped inside, looking at the walls as pods of green liquid sloshed around.</p>
<p>"Ha-ha-ha…" Zim laughed, grinning evilly. "It's time I showed that human boy the power of…a superior being!" He crowed, pointing upwards.</p>
<p>BEEEOOOOOOOO. All the power went out.</p>
<p>"Is it July already?" GIR asked.</p>
<p>"NARRATOOOORRR!" Zim shouted.</p>
<p>
  <em>Serves you right! Now bark like a dog and maybe I let you have your power back.</em>
</p>
<p>"Zim is not barking like a dog! Zim will bark like a ZIIIM!" he exclaimed. Then he blinked. "No, wait, that's not right…"</p>
<p>
  <em>Do it.</em>
</p>
<p>"Fine, fine. Lemme see…" Zim got on all fours. "First they get on all fours…and then they make a growling sound." He went on.</p>
<p>"Like yaaaa-rrggg-gaaah-gaaah!" GIR spoke up.</p>
<p>"No, not like THAT." Zim muttered. "Like the Six-Legged Skooktusk! Grrraaauuuhhhh." He growled.</p>
<p>"Ooh! I wanna ride the Skooktusk!" GIR said, leaping on top of Zim and pulling onto his antennae as they ran around the room. The narrator laughed, and laughed and laughed as the lights flickered back on.</p>
<p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
<p>On Fridays, the school served brunch. And this meant different kinds of food….but as Gaz put it as she looked at what SHOULD have been a French toast stick, she was wondering something.</p>
<p>"I dunno if this is really food. Would you really call something that's created in an assembly line somewhere hundreds of miles away, comes into this place on a truck to be thawed and heated and adulterated with chemicals from some processing science company in New Jersey…would you really call that FOOD?" She asked Nick.</p>
<p>"This is why I BRING my meals." Her substitute teacher said, holding up a small bag of doughnut holes.</p>
<p>BA-BOOM!</p>
<p>The door opened. Everyone turned. There, standing before them, was…well, it was Zim. To Gaz and Nick he was obviously disguised as a mech that vaguely resembled him, with big, bulgy limbs and "fingers" and a eye-slot for him to peep out of. It was like he was wearing a mascot suit.</p>
<p>"Hey, how's it going?" He asked cheerfully. "Lookin' good and lunchy!" He told them all.</p>
<p>"I didn't think it was possible, but he's even MORE pathetic." Gaz mumbled.</p>
<p>"The weird kid looks even WEIRDER today!" One kid exclaimed as Zim tried to find a seat.</p>
<p>Then it got weirder still.</p>
<p>"Hey, Zim!" Dib's voice rang out.</p>
<p>Zim turned his head to see Dib was wielding an arm-mounted mechanical cannon with a scope targeting system connected from an eyepad to the cannon. Gaz grinned sadistically. "This should be interesting…"</p>
<p>"An arm-mounted food launcher?" Zim asked.</p>
<p>Dib nodded.</p>
<p>"Neato!" Zim exclaimed.</p>
<p>Dib looked nervously at the ground, twirling one foot in a circle. "You REALLY think so? Thanks! I was up all night working on it!"</p>
<p>"Well it shows." Zim complimented.</p>
<p>Dib blushed visibly. "Aw, quit it!" He said nervously. Unfortunately he was not going to give Zim much warning because he raised the cannon up.</p>
<p>"Oh dear." Nick said. "I've seen this kinda stuff before, so let's make for the nearest door!"</p>
<p>"And miss all the fun?" Gaz asked, amused.</p>
<p>A high-powered, saucy meatball soared through the air, but Zim quickly raised a shimmering blue plasma shield around his body. It bounded off the shield and then Zim jumped back, backflipping through the air as the rebounded meatball hit a kid square in the back…</p>
<p>"FOOD FIIIIIGHT!" A girl shouted.</p>
<p>It was CHAOS. CHAOS.</p>
<p>But Zim and Dib weren't distracted by this food fight. They stared each other down. Dib raised his buster cannon and fired off another meat wad…but Zim held up his own mechanical arms and a shimmering blue force field of power surrounded the wad. Zim's eyes narrowed.</p>
<p>"This is just between you and ME, Dib-human…you don't stand a chance!"</p>
<p>Dib leapt through the air as Zim launched the attack back at him. "Just between you and me? I count ONE alien, and entire PLANET of humans. It's hopeless!" He said. He launched more food at Zim as Zim activated his defense shield once again. Unfortunately…Dib's assault continued, and he blasted over and over.</p>
<p>"Force Field Overload." Zim's mech suit computer spoke up as all the sirens blared. A little frowny face appeared on a display screen…this was BAD news.</p>
<p>Dib calmly snacked on a sandwich with one hand while firing with his other. This was gonna be EASY.</p>
<p>"DANGER! DANGER!"</p>
<p>Zim was in desperation. He clenched his fist. "Must…have…more…POWER!" He screamed as he pressed a shiny RED button.</p>
<p>His suit powered up, lightning spreading through his hands. He then held his mech's hands together as a shining burst of energy formed, creating burning meat. He jumped through the air to land in front of Dib and the two circled each other.</p>
<p>"I'm not afraid of your spooky alien death lunch!" Dib bragged, pointing into the sky. "I'll never stop, Zim! I'll follow your every move, following you everywhere you go until the day I stop yooouuu!" Dib grinned. "You picked the wrong planet to land on, Zim!"</p>
<p>Zim blinked, then de-powered, looking around. "Wait…what planet is this again?"</p>
<p>"…Earth?" Dib told him.</p>
<p>"Nope. It's the right planet." Zim said, leaping behind Dib and blasting him across the floor. Dib groaned and picked himself up as he was covered in meat. Unfortunately, the power battery he had on his back was damaged, and Zim laughed at this, rubbing his hands. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"</p>
<p>"Danger! Malfunction!" System overload imminent." His computer told him.</p>
<p>"AAAAA!" Zim screamed. His mechanical suit began to spark madly with electricity as food began to attract to his suit, magnetizing. Unfortunately that wasn't the only thing…KIDS were getting stuck to his body as well!</p>
<p>"What's happening? What's with-AAA!" Another one stuck to him! Then another, and another!</p>
<p>Dib looked up to see Zim floundering around. He grinned happily and raised his arm cannon again.</p>
<p>"Mayday! Mayday! The children…cover me!" Zim shouted.</p>
<p>Dib sniggered as he powered up his cannon for another Mexican food blast…EXTRA potent this time!</p>
<p><strong>"The coming invasion…will not be stopped…by your…</strong><strong>BURRITOS</strong><strong>!" </strong>Zim howled.</p>
<p>Dib's eyes went wide as he pointed. "There, see! He said INVASION! He IS an alien!"</p>
<p>"You're crazy." Zita mumbled.</p>
<p>As usual, nobody was listening to him. Dib's lip quivered. Then there was a definite "snapping" noise that came from his head as he typed in the "Override" command on his arm cannon's power console. He was going to blow Zim off the map in a meaty blast…and quite possible blow up half the cafeteria.</p>
<p>He raised the arm cannon. Zim's eyes went wide…</p>
<p>But then, too late, Dib remembered that the power battery on his back was going critical. Desperately he fired quickly…</p>
<p>THA-WHOOOM!</p>
<p>A huge burrito flew through the air…but it missed Zim. Everyone watched as the burrito sailed over them, making squelchy, fart-like noises at it bulged…</p>
<p>Nick put on a raincoat and held up an umbrella over him and Gaz.</p>
<p>And then it circled around…and struck DIB.</p>
<p>BA-WHOOOOOM!</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…the doors had opened. Everyone stood stock still as Ms. Bitters growled and took in the scene of carnage first hand. The roof had been destroyed. The tables were half broken. There were smoking craters everywhere, food sliding down the walls, and kids and trash littered all over the place.</p>
<p>And since Zim had been blown clear out of the cafeteria and couldn't share the blame…all hands pointed at DIB.</p>
<p>Soon Dib was writing "Zim is Not An Alien" 500 times on the board while Ms. Bitters sat at her desk.</p>
<p>"I was so CLOSE! So CLOSE to finally getting to the bottom-"</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters was right next to him, her body curling over his shoulder like the witch she was. "I don't wanna hear another PEEP out of you! You children…with all of your…PEEPING! No PEEP!"</p>
<p>Dib sighed and went back to writing on the board. Then…</p>
<p>Zim, inside of a small space capsule, popped up outside the window.</p>
<p>"<span class="u">PEEP</span>." He said, grinning. Then he took off.</p>
<p>"Hoo boy." Dib thought as Ms. Bitters glared at him.</p>
<p>"WAIT!"</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters turned her head as Mr. Grey burst into the room, panting. "Hold on…I can take it from here, Ms. Bitters…it's 4:00…remember?"</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters blinked. "Oh. Right. I need to clip my toenails." She said. "Otherwise they get too long and stick out of my boots."</p>
<p>This was true. She also needed to clip her fingers every week because occasionally they got so long they trailed on the ground like…ropes. She swooshed out of the room while "Mr. Grey" sat behind the desk and turned to Dib.</p>
<p>"Okay, you can go." He told Dib. "But you'll have to go out the window, since Ms. Bitters will smell you if you go by the bathroom she's clipping in. Don't worry, I put a comfy-as-possible bush outside."</p>
<p>Dib eagerly nodded and clambered out the window.</p>
<p>THA-WHOOMP!</p>
<p>"AAA! BRIAR BUSH!"</p>
<p>"Oops! I meant the OTHER window!" Nick said, slapping his head. "Sorry, Dib! Just put some ice on it, you'll be fine!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Skoodge was doing fine now, Darth thought to himself. Now if only he could get to Earth without any interruptions…</p>
<p>Then he heard it. A distress call from ANOTHER ship. Apparently somebody needed help with their engines.</p>
<p>Darth listened to the female Irken's plea, yes, DEFINITELY female, and waited for her to give coordinates. Sighing, he decided perhaps just ONE more stop wouldn't hurt. Besides, she was on Planet Dirt, and there were snack machines there too…</p>
<p>"Alright, Invader Tak. Just relax…I shall be there soon."</p>
<p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Yes, I did the pilot. I had to give it some justice, didn't I? In any case, review, please! I appreciate it.</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Bestest Friend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>With friends like you, who needs friends? With friends like you, who needs friends? With friends like you, who needs <strong>FRIENDS</strong>?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BESTEST FRIEND</strong>
</p>
<p>"He's my best friend, best of all best friend, do you have a best friend too?" GIR sang out as he danced along to a music video that was playing on MTV in Zim's house. "He tickles in my tummy, he's so yummy-yummy, hey, you should get a best friend too!"</p>
<p>"My best friend!"</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his eyes as he looked at the scene. The narrator and GIR were DANCING.</p>
<p>"How did you get into my hooouse! Answer Zim!" Zim demanded, clenching his fist with one hand and pointing with the other.</p>
<p>"Oh, simple." The narrator said as he and GIR busted a move. "I used my massive manipulation of time to go to the future, in which you rule. Then I asked you for the front door key to the museum that your old house had turned into after getting on my knees and begging and doing an interpretive dance devoted to waffles. You said you were most pleased, gave me the key, and said to stop by the gift shop to buy lots of useless junk."</p>
<p>"<em>Really</em>?" Zim asked, holding his hands as his eyes went starry.</p>
<p>"Well, no, actually…the front door was open." The narrator admitted to Zim, jabbing his thumb as he lifted GIR up and spun him around.</p>
<p>Zim looked at the door and saw it was, in fact, wide open. The newspaper had been deposited on the front step too.</p>
<p>"…oh…right…" Zim mumbled, the hope deflating from his face. "Thought I'd closed it. GET OUT!" He shouted, eyes closed, shaking his fist in the air.</p>
<p>"I knew eventually I'd get a charge who was a jerk. And whaddya know? You're a jerk." The narrator mumbled as he walked out the door. "Just for that, I'm calling on you first thing in Religion today!"</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "Religion?"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "Oh phooey." Zim mumbled as he sat in his seat, facing Nick as the teen scribbled "Today's Religious Lesson: Creation Science 101."</p>
<p>"Ms. Bitters would be teaching you today, but sadly, she is unable, due to the fact that, while she was flying around like a bat, she noticed my necklace and tried to grab it from off my neck because it was too "hippy". Forgetting that it was still a cross, this contact gave her a third degree burn and she is now in the hospital, where doctors are, sadly, unable to get any skin from her thighs to put onto her hand due to her lack of real FLESH, so they're using a drunken, blindfolded Frat boy who thinks he's going to a "skin party" as the donor, who will graciously give up about 2 percent of his butt to heal the wound. Any other questions?" Nick asked.</p>
<p>Dib raised a hand.</p>
<p>"One's that don't involve aliens."</p>
<p>Hand still held up.</p>
<p>"Yes, Dib?" Nick inquired.</p>
<p>"Why do we need to learn Religion again?" He asked. "I just don't see the relevance to the school curriculum."</p>
<p>"Simple…it's been put into place by Presidentman." Nick told him. "He and the school board believe that having Religion taught in school will lead to an increase in "moral turpitude". I dunno what the Hell "turpitude" is, but I'm guessing that the bare bones are these: if you don't get introduced to Religion and taught "good Christian morals"…"</p>
<p>He stood up on the desk and held up a Bible as flames shot up around him and he spoke with a dark, authoritarian voice. "<strong>You're going to burn in HELL!</strong>"</p>
<p>Everyone gaped.</p>
<p><em><strong>"HEEEELLLLLL!" </strong></em>Nick proclaimed, the flames burning a large hole in the ceiling above.</p>
<p>"…uh…oh boy." Dib gulped.</p>
<p>"Now then…" Nick rubbed his hands together as the flames vanished. "Let's get started…" He snapped his fingers. "One, two, three, four!"</p>
<p>He held up seven fingers, three on one hand, four on the other.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>God made the world in seven days!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He then held up ONE finger.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Well, that's one week to be specific!<br/>Now, that's what </strong>
  </em>
  <em>
    <strong>I</strong>
  </em>
  <em>
    <strong> call scientific…<br/></strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He slid along the ground right towards Zim and patted him on the head.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Say Hallelujah, sing His praise!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He then slid back to the blackboard and began to draw up the whole scene on the board.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Four thousand forty-two B.C…<br/>On Monday, August twenty-seven<br/>He made the earth and sky and Heaven…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He then pointed at the clock, grinning.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Then he punched out at five-oh-three!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He then quickly drew up people on the board, followed by a garden and a tree…</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Then he made Adam, and then Eve…<br/>A garden for them to inhabit…<br/>The apple right where Eve could grab it…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He pointed at the others with his chalk.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>And you'll have proof, once you believe</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Creation Science…101!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He bopped around, clapping his hands as music led by a saxophone and a "Gospel-style" piano played.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>In the beginning it begun!<br/>And you are just beginning to…educate yourself when you…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Shun evolution!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He quickly jumped back to the board, clearing it and making two people on the board.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Then Cain and Abel he begat…<br/>And they begat all of the rest to us!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Dib raised his hand.</p>
<p>"So does that mean they were incestuous?"</p>
<p>"…I'm going to have to pray about that…"</p>
<p>Nick grinned, walking around his desk.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>There might be sinners in this class…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He eyed Dib.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Who might believe in Charles Darwin!<br/>I guess that's just your loss and my win…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He held up a small black remote with a big, SHINY red button on it. Zim went "ooh" at the sight as Nick pressed it.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>BECAUSE I'M GONNA FLUNK YOUR ASS!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>BEEP!</p>
<p>A large stamp came down on Dib's head, knocking him to the ground. Everyone laughed as the teacher went on, holding up a bible.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>If you make Genesis your text<br/>You'll laugh at Darwin and what he sees…<br/>To be the origin of species…<br/>The man was just plain oversexed!<br/></strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Now he danced around the class, waving two fingers in the air as everyone clapped along with the music.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Creation Science 101<br/>You ain't no monkey's great grandson!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>You've have a research paper due<br/>'bout the fifty reason to…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Shun evolution!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Dib rubbed his head, getting back in his seat and scraping the big red "F" off his head. The teacher quickly rubbed it off, then grinned at him, sitting on his desk. He poked Dib in his "big head".</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Don't let em' hand you that old jive<br/>About survival of the fittest…<br/>That notion don't pass the bulls—t test…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He jabbed his thumb at Zim, grinning.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Cuz look at HIM, he's still alive!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Yeah!...hey, <em>waitaminute</em>!" Zim mumbled.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>God made the world just like it is!<br/>He made the fossils just to tease us…<br/>Old bones to test our faith in Jesus…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Will this all be on the quiz?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"You're catching on!" Nick said as he did a cartwheel and leapt up into the air, landing behind the desk, then whirling around.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Creation Science 101!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He tossed out sheets of paper to everyone in class like they were ninja stars, the sheets landing perfectly on their desks.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Now Armagedd-your homework-done!<br/>Because when this semester's through,<br/>It's straight A's for students who…shun Evolution!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>BRIIIIING!</p>
<p>It was time for them to leave. They all piled out as Nick calmly relaxed in his chair.</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
  <strong>Ah, they get such an education…</strong><br/>When they shun…<br/>The heretical theory of the development of life on earth over millions of years by means of spontaneous genetic mutation!
</p>
<p>LUNCHTIME!</p>
<p>Today the cafeteria was something a little more…well, "normal". Peas, mashed potatoes and…well, it was supposed to be some kind of milk. However one sniff told Zim all he needed to know…it was DISGUSTING.</p>
<p>Neverthless, he didn't have much of a choice whether to eat it or not, because five seconds later, Torque Smacky slipped on a pile of mashed potatoes and used Zim's head to steady himself…and in doing so, knocked Zim's head clear into the peas.</p>
<p>SMOOSH!</p>
<p>And now the whole cafeteria got to watch Zim sprawled out on his table, gasping and screaming in pain as he squirmed around, the peas burning the inside of his mouth. Everyone tried to ignore this and went on with their lives.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, a blond-haired girl with earrings named Antoinette was speaking to her friends, and Zim couldn't help but overhear. "That new kid's a FREAK. I think his name is Zit or something."</p>
<p>Zim frowned. His name was ZIM! And she would come to fear it when he was supereme overlord of all the-</p>
<p>"He's been here long enough to at least make a FEW loser friends like that creep Dib or those rejects in the corner." She remarked. "But LOOK at him." She said, as she and her friends did just that. "What kinda kid doesn't have ANY friends? It's so…inhuman."</p>
<p>INHUMAN.</p>
<p>Zim's eyes widened in horror as his body stiffened. He could see it already…captured and stuffed in a capsule, tubes stuck into his body! A press conference called and everyone looking at him and the scientists who had exposed him…</p>
<p>"Congratulations on finding the space monster! How did you do it?"</p>
<p>"We noticed he didn't have any friends."</p>
<p>"<em>NOOOOO!" </em>Zim thought inside of his head.</p>
<p>He HAD to get some friends…</p>
<p>But how? HOW?</p>
<p>He thought back for a moment to Skoodge. Skoodge was…Skoodge had been a friend, right? They'd done stuff together…okay, really, Skoodge had done whatever Zim had asked, but Zim had to admit he was fond of the squat little Irken. So he just had to find somebody who he could stand to be "chummy" with…somebody who wouldn't mind doing things with him or FOR him. But who?</p>
<p>He looked around the cafeteria. People playing pattycake, sharing food, laughing…it was almost like all the good friends were taken!</p>
<p>Dib gave him a glare as if to say "Yeah, I DARE you to try it". He just glared back and looked away. Where could he find some friends?</p>
<p>He wondered if making friends with an "adult" would be acceptable, then decided against it, seeing as not a single kid in the cafeteria was sitting with an adult. You associated with your own "kind", didn't you?</p>
<p>Ah-ha! Those people in the corner of the cafeteria! The ones who had a definite lack of hope surrounding their smelly bodies! Seriously, they stunk, there were flies hovering around them. Poor Melvin, Gretchen and Keef were all alone in the world.</p>
<p>Zim decided to get started. He walked over and addressed the kids at the reject's table. "I'm looking for a "friend"." He said to them. "Would you be interested?" He asked. Or was ABOUT to ask.</p>
<p>"I was born with webby fish toes." The squat African American boy said, divulging the reason WHY he was a "reject". "Like some kinda horrible FISH boy. Wanna see?" The boy asked.</p>
<p>Zim tried not to puke and quickly walked over to a pale, light-blue skinned boy. "Would you-" He began.</p>
<p>"EEEEE!" The boy screamed, running off and through the cafeteria.</p>
<p>"…okay…" Zim rubbed his head. "I'll count that as a "maybe"…honestly, they should be considered HONORED to even be CONSIDERED as possible friends of ZIM!" He thought out loud, doing the hunch-backed, finger twiddling thing he did when he was talking about himself. Then he turned to Gretchen, Melvin and Keef, grinning. "Who amongst you feels they are worthy to be my best friend? Because I have devised some simple tests to prove it…"</p>
<p>They blinked, looking nervous.</p>
<p>"The first test is one of absorbency." Zim said, spilling out some milk onto the table. Gretchen was rubbed around in the milk along with Keef and Melvin. Oddly enough, Keef's head sucked up the milk…weiiird!</p>
<p>"Next, I'll test your electrical conductivity!" Zim spoke up, holding two metallic electro-rods in his gloved hands.</p>
<p>Needless to say, once they'd stopped screaming and settled down, all three were very calm and mellow…though most of their hair was a mess, save for Keef, who wasn't charcoal grilled at all. Zim rubbed his hands gleefully.</p>
<p>"And now…<em>the final test</em>." He said darkly, holding up a squirrel and a remote-controlled taxi, sans remote. He advanced…</p>
<p>…The carnage was simply AWFUL.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…and so, Keef became Zim's best friend…though he was slightly worse-for-wear.</p>
<p>"Wow…I've never won anything before…I'm so happy!" He said, hugging Zim as tears filled his eyes. Zim, however, felt he smelled and pushed him back with a finger.</p>
<p>"Please don't touch me." He said quickly.</p>
<p>He then dragged Keef along the ground towards Antoinette's table. He held up Keef. "I'd like you all to meet Keef, my best friend!" He said. "MY best friend. Not yours, MINE!" He insisted as Keef nervously waved.</p>
<p>"Get LOST, you <em>losers</em>." Antoinette snapped, motioning him away.</p>
<p>"Fine." Zim told her. "BUT! Notice that I am getting lost with my "best friend"." He insisted, holding Keep up again. With that, he walked off, dragging Keef away.</p>
<p>"You know, I may not even have to DO anything to Zim today." Dib remarked, rubbing his chin.</p>
<p>"Five bucks says Keef's dead by nightfall." Gaz said nonchalantly.</p>
<p>"Done."</p>
<p>"Where the h-e-double-hockey-sticks did he get a squirrel?" Nick asked, raising an eyebrow. "I'm gonna need to keep a CLOSE eye on those two…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…and so, recess began splendidly. They played all sorts of games together!</p>
<p>Tetherball!</p>
<p>…in which Zim used Keef to knock the tetherball around the pole AND knock another kid into a comatose state.</p>
<p>They DANCED!</p>
<p>…it got weird, folks. VERY…VERY…weird…</p>
<p>"Where the hey is that creepy clown-like music coming from?" Gaz remarked as she looked around the playground.</p>
<p>"What music?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"…nothing."</p>
<p>In art class, Zim made a rather nice…yet kinda crappy…picture of him and Keef lovingly holding hands. Keef painted a beautiful tribute to Renaissance art that showed him as the Virgin Mary and Zim as Baby Jesus! AWWWW.</p>
<p>And so, everyone in school was quite aware that Keef and Zim were friends…though Zim still didn't like Keef touching him.</p>
<p>Soon, Zim was heading home, Keef still by his side. Keef was happily chatting away. "And tomorrow there CIRCUS is in town we can go to the circus I LOVE the circus do you wanna go to the circus Zim?"</p>
<p>Zim reached his front steps, a long-suffering glint in his eyes. "I want to congratulate you on a job well done, you've been a most convincing friend." Zim told him. "But now that the world seems satisfied with my knack for companionship…" he waved his hand in the air. "Your services are no longer required. Our mission together is done, good job soldier, begone with you." He said, going into the door.</p>
<p>"Hey, wait." Keef asked.</p>
<p>Zim looked the boy up and down.</p>
<p>"You got any video games?" Keef asked.</p>
<p>"…yes…" Zim admitted. But he didn't seem to "get it" and after staring at Keef's big eyes for a few more moments he closed the door and breathed a long sigh of relief as GIR watched TV from the couch, sipping a soda as he watched "The Scary Monkey Show".</p>
<p>"Phew." Zim remarked. "A job well done!" Then he looked down and saw a picture of him and Keef holding hands had been slipped under the door. It was a colored and re-touched version of the picture HE'D done but with the words "Bestest Friends" written on it. He blinked for a few moments.</p>
<p>What was…</p>
<p>RIIIING!</p>
<p>The phone rang. Confused, he picked up the receiver. "Hello?"</p>
<p>"Heya, buddy! How's it going?"</p>
<p>"KEEF?" Zim asked, feeling a little bit surprised. "I told you I do not require your-"</p>
<p>"I understand, Zim! I was thinking maybe you'd want to-"</p>
<p>BEEEP!</p>
<p>Zim had picked up on a few things on Earth culture thanks to watching lots and lots of TV when he wasn't at school. He knew what that beep meant. "Hold on, I've got another call!" He admitted, grateful for the chance to talk to somebody BESIDES the annoying Keef. He pressed the "transfer" button on his phone and spoke up. "Hello?"</p>
<p>"Heya, buddy! You're gonna LOVE the circus!" Keef said cheerfully. Zim slammed the phone down and YANKED the cord directly out of the wall in a mixture of fear and desperation…</p>
<p>But then he looked out the window…</p>
<p>Keef was circling the house on the sidewalk, going around…</p>
<p>And around…</p>
<p>And…around…</p>
<p>Gasping, Zim closed the blinds. STALKER FRIEND!</p>
<p>"GIR!" He shouted.</p>
<p>GIR had been exploring the ceiling and now fell to the ground on his head. He saluted as his eyes turned red. "Yes, Master!" He spoke.</p>
<p>"I'm going downstairs to the laboratory…don't let ANYONE in the house." Zim ordered, pointing at him.</p>
<p>"Yes, sir!" GIR said, saluting again as Zim walked to the toilet to flush himself. As Zim headed down the loo in a flash of green light, GIR heard the doorbell.</p>
<p>DING-DONG!</p>
<p>"Leprechauns!" He shouted happily. He jumped through the air, twirling around and striking a fighting pose. A moment later he was in his doggy costume, and he calmly opened the door.</p>
<p>Zim breathed a sigh of relief as he lay back in a chair down in the laboratory. "Ahh." He said, sighing happily. At last…free from Keef…</p>
<p>Or so he thought.</p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>Dib looked through a telescope as the sun faded slowly down. "Nightfall. He's still there." He told Gaz.</p>
<p>Gaz mumbled and fished out a fiver from her pocket.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…the next day, Zim rose up from the toilet to find…Keef, in the kitchen, while GIR sat in his doggy costume, holding onto a mug of hot cocoa. Keef had made a large stack of waffles and was now frying bacon. Zim blinked in surprise. What the!?</p>
<p>"Hey, Zim!" Keef exclaimed happily. "You showed up just in time for the waffles!"</p>
<p>GIR pounded the table. "GIR wants waffa-waffa-waffa-waffa-waffles!" He exclaimed.</p>
<p>Zim lost it, gritting his teeth. "GRRR…GET OUTTA MY HOUSE! I told you you're FIRED!" He shouted.</p>
<p>"You don't like waffles?" Keef asked.</p>
<p>Zim wasn't interested in waffles. pushed Keef towards the door and opened it up…with Keef still holding onto the plate.</p>
<p>"Ooh, we can walk to school together!" Keef suggested.</p>
<p>"Can't, sick, not going to school today." With that, he launched Keef out the door and headed back inside. GIR walked out with him and grabbed one of the pieces of bacon left in the pan.</p>
<p>"Poor sick Zim. No wonder he's so unhappy. I've got a great idea GIR!" Keef said, clapping his hands. "We should throw a surprise party for him! That'll cheer him up!"</p>
<p>GIR cheered, clapping his "hands" together.</p>
<p>"I'll get a buncha kids from school to come over after school! But this is supposed to be a surprise, understand? A <em>surprise</em>. Zim can't find out!" Keef insisted, raising an eyebrow. "Do you understand, GIR?"</p>
<p>GIR "meowed" in agreement.</p>
<p>Dib, who was getting on the bus down the street with Gaz, saw that Keef was still there. Gaz spoke again. "Five more bucks says Zim kills him."</p>
<p>They shook hands.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…GIR had stopped by the store to get supplies. But he tried to keep the brown bag hidden as he marched across the living room and into the kitchen. But Zim, who had been watching more TV from the couch saw the whole thing. He blinked and followed after GIR, who put the brown bag at the top of the kitchen table. Unfortunately a good deal of the stuff fell out.</p>
<p>"What are you doing, GIR? Zim asked softly, looking at the party hats and confetti.</p>
<p>"Nothing." GIR lied.</p>
<p>"Nothing…or SOMETHING?" Zim asked, eyes narrowing intently.</p>
<p>GIR began to cry. "Ooooh, I can't help it! You're too smart for me!" He admitted, taking off his "head". "Keef is planning a surprise party for you after school! He's gonna bring all the kids because he loves you!" He got on his knees and banged on the ground. "That boy loves you so muuuuch!" He sobbed. Then he cheered up. "I'm making the cake!"</p>
<p>Zim's eyes went wider than saucers. "KEEF'S BRING <strong>ALL</strong> THE CHILDREN TO <strong>OUR</strong> SECRET LAIR? Do you realize what this means?" He asked GIR angrily, clenching his fists.</p>
<p>"Yes!" GIR said. "…wait a minute…I mean no."</p>
<p>"It means our mission's in JEOPARDY!" Zim shouted.</p>
<p>GIR just shrugged and kept stirring the cake batter, humming a little ditty.</p>
<p>"Something must be done about this "Keef"." Zim hissed, rubbing his hands. "If he succeeds, the whole population of Earth will show up on our doorstep and find out about the mission!"</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Keef was passing out invitations to a party afterschool at Zim's house. Dib grinned and rubbed his hands, laying back in his chair. "Yep…I'm not gonna hafta do anything to Zim this time."</p>
<p>"He's going to get exposed as an alien, stuck in a tube, and dissected." Nick said, putting his fists on his hips, one eyebrow raised. "He's a sentient being. An invader, yes, but a sentient being. You should DO something and try to help him! He's technically just a kid!"</p>
<p>"Ideally, YES." Gaz spoke up. "We should do something."</p>
<p>Nick waited for a response.</p>
<p>"But we're not going to." Dib said, shrugging.</p>
<p>"…you're so UNCHRISTIAN!" Nick moaned, throwing his hands in the air and walking away as Keef passed out another invitation.</p>
<p>"You know him, he's the green kid!" Keef told Antoinette.</p>
<p>"Oh, you mean that freak? With the one freak friend that makes him even freakier? I don't think so." She said coldly.</p>
<p>Keef sadly pulled the invitation away and looked around as people tossed the their invitations away, blindly following what Antoinette said.</p>
<p>Keef sighed…then he remembered there was one table who was perfectly willing to go somewhere, ANYWHERE…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim was hard at work in his lab, cooking something up. "Those humans and their FILTHY friendship! It brings nothing but trouble…I can see them NOW…" He thought to himself, growling. In his mind he pictured them all carrying torches to his house…torches…torches everywhere!</p>
<p>And then it was only a short amount of time before they all joined hands and sang ring-around-the-rosy as they danced around the tube he was stuck in…and they'd install a roller coaster in his house…and balloons! The balloons…</p>
<p>And PASTEL-PAINTED-WALLS! The horror…</p>
<p>He cringed and shuddered in fear and got back to work, unknowing that Keef and the people he'd invited were released from school and coming closer…closer…</p>
<p>Then he looked at the clock. 3:02. School got out at 3 and it didn't take long for somebody to get from the school to his house! He gasped and doubled his pace.</p>
<p>"PAAAARRRTTTTYYYYYY!" Keef screamed as he ran towards the front door of Zim's house.</p>
<p>Zim tripled his pace. GIR continued to stir his cake batter…</p>
<p>It was done. Zim held up the green present with the dark green bow and laughed and laughed…well, he was laughing for three seconds. Then he coughed madly and had to compose himself.</p>
<p>"Okay, now you guys wait here while I go get him. Then jump out and yell "surprise"!" Keef told Gretchen, Melvin and the other "losers". "He'll be so happy!" Keef thought out loud, running towards the front door.</p>
<p>"I've never been to a party before." The braces-wearing Gretchen spoke up.</p>
<p>"Does it hurt?" Melvin asked quietly.</p>
<p>Keef walked up to the door and knocked on it. "Hey Zim! I'm home!" He said.</p>
<p>Home? Keef thought of this place as his home? For a moment Zim wondered how bad Keef's REAL home was life. But he just held up the present.</p>
<p>"For ME?" Keef asked. "Oh, you ARE my bestest friend! Thank you, Zim!" Keef said, taking the present from Zim and opening it up…</p>
<p>And a purple machine with spindly robotic arms was inside. The arms held themselves up in the air, stretching sharp claws. Zim watched the scene unfold, frowning slightly as Keef screamed, the machine doing the necessary work to the boy's eyes. It was a rather…disgusting…solution, but it had to be done, Zim reasoned…and the pain didn't last long.</p>
<p>Two robotic eyes that had red pupils were shoved into Keef's eye sockets after his own were removed, ending the pain with neural injections. Keef felt a blissful daze enter his mind…he was so…content…</p>
<p>Zim smiled to himself and walked over to Keef, speaking low and softy in an oddly enticing way. "Keef?"</p>
<p>"Yes?"</p>
<p>"Who is your best friend?" Zim asked.</p>
<p>"That's Zim." Keef spoke in a hypnotized voice. "In fact, he gave me a present to-"</p>
<p>"Silence." Zim spoke softly. "Now listen Keef…when I snap my fingers the next living you see, you will believe to be your best friend."</p>
<p>"I like Zim." Keef said.</p>
<p>"I know you do." Zim said in an almost kind fashion. "But pay attention!" He snapped. His mechanical legs raised him up to the ceiling and calmly snapped his fingers.</p>
<p>"What happened?" Keef wondered, rubbing his eyes. But then he saw it…a squirrel…</p>
<p>But the squirrel became ZIM a moment later. He hopped off the garden gnome he was on and ran off. "Zim? How'd you get out there?" Keef asked, putting his hands against the window. "Wait up! I have a surprise for you!" He shouted.</p>
<p>He ran out the door and Zim laughed, rubbing his hands. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Humans and their FRIENDSHIP." He spat. "Invaders need no one! NO ONE!"</p>
<p>
  <strong>THA-WHOOMP!</strong>
</p>
<p>He fell down, the metallic pipe that his spider legs had attached to had been ripped out of the wall by his weight. He hit the ground with a painful crash as the pipe bonked him on the head.</p>
<p>
  <em>Oh REALLY?!</em>
</p>
<p>"…okay…I MIGHT need a medic…" Zim mumbled. "GIR…help…" he squeaked out.</p>
<p>Keef, meanwhile, had followed "Zim" outside and was now chasing after him. The other kids were kind of stunned to see him chasing a squirrel he had mistaken for Zim. The African American student spoke up.</p>
<p>"Forget that weirdo. Hey…you guys wanna see something REALLY neat?" He asked, bending down to take off his shoes.</p>
<p>They all ran for it.</p>
<p>Keef chased after "Zim", going on the fence. "Hey, I'm hungry…can I have some of that?" He asked, pointing at the big acorn "Zim" had.</p>
<p>Zim chattered. "No!" He spoke, holding the acorn in his mouth and climbing up a wall. Naturally, Keef followed after, going up to the top of the roof. The squirrel, wanting to defend his acorn lunged at him and they grappled…</p>
<p>And a moment later, the two fell off the roof and an explosion rocked the side of Zim's house as smoke rose ominously into the air…</p>
<p>GIR continued to stir the cake batter as Zim rubbed his head, Keef's words echoing in his head.</p>
<p>
  <em>"You don't like waffles?..waffles?...waffles..."</em>
</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "He's dead. Pay up." Gaz said as they looked through the telescope.</p>
<p>"No…wait…the teacher's helping him get back up! He's alive!" Dib held up his open hand. "Now, that five spot?"</p>
<p>"You KNOW I'm gonna beat you up later and take it back." Gaz said as she handed her brother another fiver.</p>
<p>"Yeah, but it's the gesture that counts." Dib insisted.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Don't worry, all you Keef fans...I wouldn't kill him off! Though Jhonen tried, he failed...FAILED! And you WILL be seeing him again.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Don't forget: reviews sustain me. Please leave your thoughts by pressing that big button down at the end of the page. See it? CLICK IT. The duck commands you!</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Nanozim</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>So pleeeaaase...baby pleeeaaase! Open your heaaart...catch my disease!</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>NANOZIM</strong>
</p><p>"Honestly…" The narrator said as he walked alongside the disguised GIR towards the Dairy Mart. "I don't know WHAT would happen to my charges sometimes if I wasn't here…it's a good thing I can be more directly involved this time!" He told GIR as the sun began to lower down…down…down.</p><p>"So I'm a battery?" GIR asked, turning his head to look at the narrator as he tilted his head slightly in doing so.</p><p>"No, no, I mean you're like…well, it's like I'm a babysitter and you're the kid I have to look after."</p><p>"…you're the best one that we've ever had!" GIR said, hugging Nick happily. The narrator beamed and his already-rosy cheeks turned rosier.</p><p>"Well…er…uh…how about I buy you an Icee?" The narrator asked as they headed into the Dairy Mart. "No, wait, here they call it a "Something Slushy"…what is it?..."</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…it was dusk, and GIR skipped home happily in his dog suit sucking on a SuckMunkey slushy. He walked into he and Zim's house, leaving the door wide open. The little robot then sat down on the couch and sucked upon on the SuckMunkey so hard that his face was actually sucked in. Then, for some reason, he began to cough madly. Odd.</p><p>Deep within the lab, Zim uses a welding tool on his PAK, which had been temporarily detached from his back. Yes, TEMPORARILY. You see, if an Irken had their PAK off for too long, then-</p><p>"Security breach!" His computer spoke up. "Security breach!"</p><p>Zim gasped as some display screens flashed the word "alert" all around him. "An INTRUDER!" He shouted.</p><p>Quickly his PAK lifted up in the air and attached to Zim. Getting onto a hover platform, it lifted him upward to the main floor, where a dresser in the living room lifted up and the floor underneath it opened, letting the Irken Invader arise! ARISE!</p><p>It was then that Zim saw that the door was wide open. He sighed, hanging his head slightly.</p><p>"GIR! You left the door open again!" He groaned.</p><p>"Mr. "Ator" got me chocolate bubblegum!" GIR said, opening his mouth as chocolate bubblegum dribbled down.</p><p>Zim sighed and began to go on another rant…not realizing that Dib, in a black, stealthy ninja suit, was crawling across the ceiling, clinging to the wires that line it. GIR saw him, naturally, and therefore was too preoccupied to pay attention to Zim's little rant.</p><p>"GIR, with an entire planet of enemies waiting for us to drop our guard, we have to be very careful not to have our guards get all... droppy. <em><strong>Understand</strong></em>?" He asked GIR.</p><p>GIR just opened his mouth, eyes still on DIB.</p><p>"I'll just take that as a yes. Now I'm going down bellow to check the laser weasel experiment." He told GIR, walking over to the door and shutting it firmly. "I think they're ripe by now." He said proudly. GIR just sipped his "Suckmunkey Slushy" while Zim shook his head, then pointed into the air dramatically. "Computer! Take me to the weasels!" He demanded.</p><p>Once more the dresser lifted up and the floor opened. The hover platform lifted up and Zim was JUST about to step on it when DIB, who was watching the whole seen, couldn't contain his excitement any more.</p><p>"Wow!"</p><p>Eyes going wide, Zim wheeled around in shock just as a camera flashed…DIB'S camera!</p><p>"Hey!" He shouted.</p><p>Dib tried to lie. "Er…it wasn't me?" He offered.</p><p>Zim frowned. "Yes it was! You LIIIIE! Computer! Intruder alert!"</p><p>A wire tentacle with a claw at the end and a clawed mechanical arm emerged from the ceiling on either side of Dib, intending to seize him. Dib, however, had trained for his moment! He dropped to the ground right as they lunged at him and they struck each other. Quickly he ran to a nearby chair. The house/computer claws wouldn't be so easily deterred though, following behind him…</p><p>But Dib was quicker! He flipped over them and flipped again, this time over GIR. Then he jumped quickly out the window…</p><p>That's right. The window.</p><p>Dib held up his camera, grinning behind his mask. " Now I have proof, Zim! Photographic evidence!"</p><p>A lawn gnome lifted its arms up and turns around, advancing on Dib from behind.</p><p>"Soon your disgusting Zim guts will be strewn all over an autopsy table!" Dib exclaimed.</p><p>He noticed the lawn gnome right behind him but wasn't about to fall for the same trick as before. He jumped out of the way before the lawn gnome could grab him and took off, laughing triumphantly.</p><p>"You left the window open too!?" Zim growled, gesturing at the window.</p><p>"Oh yeaaah." GIR remarked before he went back to sipping on his SuckMunkey.</p><p>"I blame you too!" Zim said, shaking his fist at the sky, insulting the narrator, who appeared a few moments later, stepping out of a closet.</p><p>"Hey, how is this MY fault? GIR's the one who left the door open. And maybe if you ranted less and paid attention more…" The narrator began.</p><p>"Silence, you…HAIR-ATOR!"</p><p>"Is it the arms?" Nick mumbled.</p><p>"No, your legs."</p><p>Nick looked down. "So I wore shorts today! They went with this Hawaiian shirt!"</p><p>"It's very pretty." Zim complimented.</p><p>"Mahalo, as the Hawaiian people say." Nick said. "If I give you an idea on how to get the tape back will you <strong>cheer up</strong>?" He asked.</p><p>"…YESSSS…" Zim said, hissing evilly.</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…Dib and Gaz sat at a table with a tray of food...it was lunchtime once again. Gaz was playing her Game Slave, uninterested in her lunch while Dib looked around the lunch room, not seeing Zim. He hadn't been in class today either, which had bothered their substitute teacher Mr. Grey. Apparently he was concerned about Dib too…Dib had seen the student teacher substitute casting sad glances at him.</p><p>"Zim wasn't in class today, Gaz." Dib told his sister.</p><p>"Maybe he's sick." She mumbled, trying to ignore her brother and the big urge to whack him.</p><p>"Yeah, sick with <strong>fear</strong>!" Dib crowed. "Once these picture get out…" He held up a disk into the air that had his pictures on it. "He won't be able to hide any longer! I'm gonna send them to "Mysterious Mysteries" and then the world will know!" He held up a spoonful of mashed potatoes and his mind drifted to happy thoughts. "Maybe they'll let me host the show. My own episode!"</p><p>Gaz paused the game and glared hatefully at him "I'm only 13 levels away from finishing this game so I either finish the game or make you wish I was never born!" She hissed.</p><p>"Don't you mean "make you wish that <strong>I</strong> was never born?" Dib asked.</p><p>"Don't be stupid. Why would you wish YOU were never born when you can wish that <strong>I</strong> was never born?" She asked, tilting her head slightly.</p><p>"…oh…right. Makes sense, I guess." Dib said, getting back to his lunch.</p><p>Dusk had fallen, and Dib had stuck the disk inside an envelope addressed to "Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery". Then he headed to the living room and hopped onto the couch where Gaz was STILL playing her game slave…while while the TV began "Mysterious Mysteries."</p><p>The announcer of the show spoke. "For years, the world has wondered, "Are there aliens among us?" But we here at Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery have always known the answer to this question. And that answer is a resounding "<em><strong>maybe</strong></em>." Which is why, as always, we ask you, our viewers, to help us put an end to this question once and for all! Send us your proof of alien existence, and a self-address stamped envelope."</p><p>Dib grinned happily. At last! Now he would-</p><p>Then his arm started to jiggle.</p><p>"What the?" Dib mumbled, looking down at it. Suddenly his arm started bumping into Gaz's head as she continued to play her game</p><p>"Remember earlier the whole bugging me thing? You're doing it again!" Gaz snarled.</p><p>"I'm not doing this, Gaz! I don't have control of my arms!" Dib realized.</p><p>To Dib's own horror, his arms grabbed the envelope and ripped it in half. The disk with Zim's picture fell onto his lap. Dib's arms stop wiggling around, each holding one half of the envelope.</p><p>Gaz rolled her eyes. "I'm letting you live THIS time, Dib, but only because I'm still getting through this last level." She muttered, leaving the room.</p><p>"But Gaz! Wait! Help!" Dib cried out.</p><p>Suddenly his right arm grabbed the disk just as the television screen became static. But it wasn't like that for long, because a few moments later, Zim appeared in the cockpit of a ship on the screen</p><p>"Hello, Dib." He said calmly.</p><p>"What the?! What are you doing in my TV!?" Dib gasped.</p><p>Zim grinned widely. "I'm not in your TV. I'm transmitting from... <strong>inside your body!</strong> <em>Spooky</em>, yes? At this very moment I'm inside a microscopic submersible somewhere in your disgusting belly attached to your arm control nerve!"</p><p>Inside of Dib's body, Zim's nano-ship was hovering near a pulsing nerve, one claw attached to it.</p><p>Dib looked down at his stomach. "Arm control nerve?"</p><p>"Yes, arm control nerve!" Zim told him.</p><p>"In my...belly?"</p><p>"Yes!"</p><p>Dib frowned. "Humans don't have "arm control nerves", Zim!"</p><p>Zim shook his fist angrily. "Do not question me! I control your arms!" He shouted. He then thrust some ship's levers back and forth and Dib's arms go flailed around.</p><p>"I don't understand, how did you get inside of my body?!" Dib asked.</p><p>Zim rubbed his chin. "A funny story." He told Dib. "It begins this afternoon in the cafeteria…do you remember? You held up a spoon full of peas? Guess who was cleverly hiding among them!? Now, down to business!" He told Dib, gaining control of Dib's arm again. This time, Dib's hands crushed the disk.</p><p>"NO!" Dib shouted as Zim laughed. Then Dib frowned angrily. "You didn't think I'd send the original disk, did you? That was a copy. Only I know where the original disk is!"</p><p>But Zim just laughed. "Idiotic huuuman I'll just go to your brain and delete the knowledge of where you hid the master disk. And, as an added bonus, I might as well make your entire brain... not smart, no more!"</p><p>Dib's eyes went wide. <strong>"Noooooooo!"</strong> He screamed.</p><p>Zim laughed cruelly as his nano-ship detached from the arm control nerve and leaves, headed for the brain. regains control of his arms and drops the crushed disk on the floor. Realizing he had seconds to act, our hero hopped off of the couch and ran for his dad's lab. Professor Membrane was using a high-tech welder that shoots electricity…on a spork.</p><p>…<em>right</em>.</p><p>Professor Membrane held up the smoking spork and then set it back onto the desk as his son ran into the lab.</p><p>"Dad! Dad, I need your help!" His son begged.</p><p>"The <strong>world</strong> needs my help, son!" His father said.</p><p>"Do you still have that microscopic nano-ship thing you were working on?" Dib asked.</p><p>"Of course!" Professor Membrane said, pulling out a plastic bag from his lab-coat and handing it to Dib. "The controls are over there. Why do you need this, son?"</p><p>"There's an alien in my guts, and he's trying to destroy my brain!"</p><p>The professor took this in stride and shrugged. "Ah, well, run along then."</p><p>Dib grabbed the controls which looked a LOT like a laptop computer with a built in joystick and ran back onto his couch, turning on the controls. He swallowed the nano-ship and then grinned as it went down his throat.</p><p>"I'm coming, Zim!" He swore as he activated the ship controls.</p><p>Dib flew the nano-ship through his body's internal passageways and into an area of his body to see…oh, Zim had placed red flags with the symbols on them into the tissue.</p><p>"What…are THOSE?" Dib asked.</p><p>"<em>THAT would be the symbol of the Irkens, his race." </em>Dib heard the narrator say.</p><p>Rolling his eyes at Zim's immense pride, Dib maneuvered around stringy bands of tissue, seeing that his foe's nano-ship wass not too far ahead. Zim was engaged in his favorite past-time…evil laughter.</p><p>"With Dib-stink turned into a drooling moron, nothing will stand in my way, not even... drool!"</p><p>Then a little holo-vid screen popped up, showing "Incoming Transmission". "</p><p>"Guess who's right behind you, Zim!" Dib laughed.</p><p>Zim gasped at the sight of the rear-view mirror display that showed ANOTHER nano-ship closing in on him. Quickly he took off through the skin passage with Dib right behind. And guess who should walk behind the couch but Gaz?</p><p>"Hey, what game is that?" Gaz asked.</p><p>"This is no game, this is my <strong>life</strong>!" Dib told her.</p><p>"Yeah, it's cool looking, but it still just looks like a game." Gaz retorted.</p><p>"You can't beat me, Dib!" Zim crowed. "My piloting skills are unmatched!"</p><p><em>"You've crashed your VR training pod eighteen times!" </em>The narrator said nonchalantly.</p><p>"I thought you were on MY side!" Zim shouted.</p><p><em>"Well if you'd taken my advice and ASKED for the disc nicely, maybe I'd be rooting for YOU instead!" </em>The narrator muttered.</p><p>"Is that Zim I hear? And that teacher of yours? Is this an online game?"</p><p>"Gaz, PLEASE, I need to concentrate!" Dib begged. "Let's see…"</p><p>Dib pressed a button and opened a weapon selection screen., picking a grappling hook.</p><p>"How 'bout <em><strong>this</strong></em>?" He laughed, pressing the button.</p><p>A tiny compartment on the front of Dib's nano-ship opened up and the grappling hook shot forward. makes a confused noise as a red light flashes inside his nano-ship. The hook hits Zim's nano-ship…but bounced off.</p><p>Zim just sneered. "I'm 156 years old! I've been flying ships since before you were born, sad little Earth monkey!" Zim laughed as he skidded along Dib's spleen, tearing it up.</p><p>"My SPLEEN!" Dib screamed.</p><p>"Now I'm in your trachea, worm! Your brain is so close I can <em>smell</em> it." Zim bragged.</p><p>"Can I play?" Gaz asked.</p><p>"Wait a minute! He's in my trachea! Get away from my brain, you freaky alien cricket!"</p><p>Zim attaches the nano-ship to the wall of his trachea. As he zooms past 's Dib's mouth, Dib did the only thing he could think of…he took a VERY deep breath. Zim screamed and tried in vain to grip on to the flesh of Dib's inner mouth, but he falls back down the trachea along with Dib's nano-ship, falling down into some strange open area.</p><p>Zim was ticked off. His eyes narrowed in fury. "Enough already! Prepare for some doom!" He then laughed maniacally as his nano-ship transformed into a humanoid robot with three sharp claws that twitched and then formed balls of electricity. The nano-bot clapped the clawed hands together to make one big ball of energy which vanished as the transformation is completed. Now it hovered in the air with taloned "feet".</p><p>"Quarter circle back!" Gaz suggested.</p><p>"What?" Dib asked.</p><p>"The transformation move is always quarter circle back!"</p><p>Dib shrugged and did the move…and voila! "Transformation initiated" appeared on the control screen.</p><p>"Oh, look at that!"</p><p>Now DIB'S nano-ship also transforms into a humanoid nano-bot of green with stubby fingers and feet. It hovered in the air across from Zim's nano-bot.</p><p>"When you die, can I play?" Gaz asked.</p><p>Dib gulped.</p><p>Zim didn't like this development. He pressed forward on his levers while screaming a battle-cry. Dib's nano-bot flew at Zim's, trying to swing a punch, but was knocked into the wall and was getting "b—ched slapped".</p><p>"Come on, Dib!" Gaz insisted. "Let me play! You're doing it wrong! I could beat him!" She growled.</p><p>"No way! He's in <strong>my</strong> organs! Not yours!" Dib said possessively. Unfortunately he STILL couldn't fight worth beans and was getting his butt kicked all around his insides. "Quit it, Zim! I don't really know the controls yet!" He growled. Then he saw a big red "health" meter to the right and realized it was dropping dangerously low.</p><p>"Oh no!" He shouted.</p><p>Gaz rolled her eyes and grunted. Dib's nano-bot tried to get up but Zim flung it at the arm control nerve nearby</p><p>"This is kinda sad, Dib. I will put an end to this now." Zim said, smirking.</p><p>He squeezed a button at the tip of a lever and launches a spear into Dib's arm control nerve.</p><p>THA-WHOOMP!</p><p>"Arms... like... <strong>nooooodles</strong>!" Dib gasped, unable to work the controls anymore.</p><p>Gaz wasn't sympathetic and shoved him out of the way, taking over the controls.</p><p>"It's my turn." She said, grinning to herself.</p><p>Zim's nano-bot flew back into the mouth cavity and up into…the brain! It was pulsing steadily as electronic currents were pumped into it via nerves.</p><p>"Now, let's see where you are keeping the location of the disk, Dib." Zim said smugly.</p><p>The computer of his nano-bot found the location in seconds, and soon Zim's nano-bot was shooting electrical energy RIGHT at the proper point in Dib's brain.</p><p>Dib gasped, eyes going wide and bulging. "He's in my head... knowledge, loosing... brain... poop…"</p><p>Zim laughed…at last the memory of where the file was was gone. Deleted.</p><p>"I can't remember where the file is! Zim…he did it! He made me forget!" Dib snarled.</p><p>"Quiet, Dib!" Gaz snapped.</p><p>"And now, to unleash stupidity on your entire brain." Zim sniggered, pulling on a lever then selecting the "maximum" level for his power beam.</p><p>"From this day forth you will not be a threat to me any-"</p><p>Then he saw the nano-bot of Dib's coming straight for him.</p><p>"The human doesn't know when to quit." Zim mused. "I'll finish with the rest of your brain after I deal with your junky..." He struggled to find the right words, then just shrugged. "Junk thing."</p><p>Unfortunately Dib's nano-bot got the upper hand quickly. It swerved underneath Zim's and uppercut him. Zim's nano-bot flew into a nerve tube coming out from the brain and was electrically shocked. Before he could get his nano-bot to get up when Gaz kicked Dib into Zim's brain, then kicked him AGAIN.</p><p>Naturally with Gaz beating Zim into Dib's brain over and over, Dib was going nuts. The boy screamed madly, squirming around, biting the couch and flopping madly around.</p><p>"He's not even trying!" Gaz laughed.</p><p>"AAA!" Zim screamed, realizing he was doomed. DOOMED!</p><p>Gaz used the nano-bot's spin kick and cleanly knocked the head/cockpit of Zim's nano-bot off. Zim fell down a tunnel, screaming all the way as the words 'enemy destroyed' appear on the controls to Dib's nano-bot. Smirking, Gaz flew the nano-bot to where the arm control nerve is and used a laser to destroy the spear lodged in it.</p><p>Dib gasped happily as he regained control of his arms while Gaz entered her initials on the controls for the nano-bot, having obtained the high-score.</p><p>"That game was <em>stupid</em>!" She said, walking off.</p><p>Zim was still on the television…but now looked badly beaten, covered in bruises, one eye twitching.</p><p>Dib grinned evilly, eyes narrowing.</p><p>"And now for my <em><strong>finishing move!</strong></em>" He said darkly.</p><p>"<em>Oh boy."</em> The narrator spoke. Somewhere in his head, Zim pictured the teen covering his mouth.</p><p>Dib calmly left the room, heading for another room and closing the door. Zim's eyes bulged.</p><p>"Wait,! What's going on!? What are you doing, Dib?" He demanded to know. Unfortunately he found out the HARD way a few moments later when he heard pants unzipping.</p><p>"He WOULDN'T!" Zim thought.</p><p>FA-WOOSH!</p><p>"<em>He would."</em> The narrator remarked in a "hoo boy" tone.</p><p>"<strong>NOOOOO</strong>!" Zim screamed as his ship spun around and around and around…</p><p>FWOOOP! Down he went…Dib smirked as he walked away from the toilet after washing his hands. True, he'd forgotten where the disk with Zim's picture was, but Zim was soon going to be twenty miles away in the city's cesspool for who-knows-how-long. Smiling happily, he returned to the living room to see if he could catch the rest of "Mysterious Mysteries".</p><p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Hope you enjoyed that half as much as I enjoyed WRITING it. Please, feel free to review! Or in español! Deje un examen, por favor! Now en français! Laissez un examen, s'il vous plaît!</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>I am a silly person. :)</strong>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Parent Teacher Night</h2></a>
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  <em>They preach that we should save the world, they pray that we don't do a better job of it!</em>
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  <strong>PARENT-TEACHER NIGHT</strong>
</p><p>Gaz's teacher was out sick. So she had a substitute. Specifically the only substitute the school had bought. Which in this case was Mr. Grey, or as he insisted on being called, "Nick". Dib had said that he was supposed to be "something VERY special" and that he had confided a "important, universal secret" to Dib, making him "enlightened".</p><p>"Today, I'm teaching you all about LATIN." Nick told the class. Gaz raised a solitary eyebrow as Nick wrote "LATIN" on the board. "It's the ancient language of the Romans! And in fact, a lot of words today have Latin roots. These include English, French, German…all "Romantic" languages." Nick explained.</p><p>"You're a hairy person." Somebody said.</p><p>"…I know." Nick mumbled. "Please stop looking at my legs, it's really embarrassing-"</p><p>"No, your ARMS."</p><p>Nick blushed. "…uh…er…let's start out with something to get you interested and distracted away from my arms."</p><p>Gaz rolled her eyes. This guy? Special?</p><p>He wrote up a sentence on the board. "Puellae filiae agricolarum sunt." Then he translated it below. "The girls are the daughters of the farmers."</p><p>He wrote another sentence which was followed by a translation. "Puellae pulchrae sunt." (The girls are pretty.)</p><p>He wrote some more!</p><p>"Puellae nautas in via spectant." (The girls see the sailors in the street.) "Nautae pulchri sunt." (The sailors are hunks.) "Puellae nautas salutant." (The girls say "hello" to the sailors.) "O malam fortunam! Nautae male mares sunt." (Too bad! The sailors are gay!)</p><p>Gaz raised her eyebrow higher. <em>Hmm</em>…</p><p>"Nautae ad puellas digitos impudicos porrigunt." (The sailors give the girls The Finger.) "Puellae nautas appelant." (The girls call out to the sailors.) "Speramus naviculam misellam vestram ad scopulum adlisam iri <strong><em>summersum</em></strong>." ("We hope your stupid boat hits a rock and <strong><em>sinks</em></strong>.") "Puellae in forum descendere destinant et ibi mercimonium furari." (The girls decide to go down to the mall and shoplift some stuff.) "Omnes paucis annis <strong>posedae</strong> erunt." (In a few years they will all be <strong>hookers</strong>.)</p><p>RIIIING!</p><p>Gaz was grinning visibly as the bell to be dismissed rang. Now THAT was an interesting lesson. Maybe she could learn to LIKE this teacher.</p><p>"Don't forget!" Her substitute told them all. "Don't forget that tonight is-"</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>… "And you, Mary. Right where your head is, before the "Big Bang…there was nothing there! And outside, where that squirrel is, there was <strong>nothing</strong>! And under your chairs, <strong>nothing</strong>!"</p><p><em>"When are we going to be dismissed from this stupid class?!"</em> Zim thought to himself. <em>"This old crone should be thrown off a cliff…"</em></p><p>"And by that tree, where that dog is, <strong>NOTHING</strong>!"</p><p>Luckily, thanks to the surprising sacrifice of a bug that got stuck inside the clock gears, greasing it up, the clock let out a RIIIING and it was time to leave. Zim breathed a sigh of relief.</p><p>"Don't forget that tonight is Parent/Teacher Night. Everyone is required to bring their parents to the cafeteria." Ms. Bitters added.</p><p>Zim had just been about to leave the classroom when he heard that everyone had to bring their parents. He frowned and went over to Ms. Bitter's desk.</p><p>"I never agreed to attend this Parent-Teacher Night!" He growled.</p><p>"Yes you did."</p><p>"No. You lie! You <strong>liiiie</strong>!" He snarled, flailing his arms.</p><p>Swooping in that specter-like way she did, Ms. Bitters went to her Soon the computer was playing a recording of Zim sitting in class. Zim was fiddling with a pencil, singing the "Doom Song" inside of his head.</p><p>"Zim, are you going to bring your parents to Parent-Teacher night?" Ms. Bitters asked.</p><p>Zim wasn't paying much attention, so he just muttered out "Yeah, sure, whatever" and got back to playing with his pencil.</p><p>"…why would you tape that?" Zim asked.</p><p>Ms. Bitters shrugged. "School policy." She said, jabbing her thumb at a camera up near the ceiling.</p><p>Dib had yet to leave the class. He turned around, putting his hands on his hips after slinging his backpack over his shoulder. "Putting up a lot of fight for something as simple as Parent-Teacher Night, huh? I bet you don't even know what parents ARE!" He said, jabbing his finger into Zim's face.</p><p>Zim slapped his hand away. "Of course I do!" He said peevishly.</p><p>He had a flashback to an incubation station on Irk. It was true that the Irken race weren't born with working sexual organs. At one point they'd had them but thanks to the mass-test-tube method of reproduction "sex" wasn't needed anymore. This way Irk didn't have to worry about overpopulation and unexpected births…</p><p>Still, there were some…operations…that could be done if you were interested in the act. Apparently the sexual organs were buried DEEP inside the body and-</p><p>You know what? I've said too much already. But I will say this about Irken "parents". For the species…it wasn't another Irken.</p><p>"Welcome to life, Irken child. Report for duty." The mechanical arm that activated each Irken told Zim after it had put Zim's PAK on, which would stay on him for life.</p><p>Irken Children, aka "smeets", would normally salute with their antannae. Zim, however, leapt on top of the robot arm, hugging it tightly.</p><p>"I <strong>love</strong> you, cold unfeeling robot arm!" He squeaked out, closing his eyes and humming happily.</p><p>It was then that Zim realized he was hugging Ms. Bitters. He blinked as she hissed down at him. He quickly let go.</p><p>"You WILL be here tonight, Zim! You and your parents!</p><p>Dib smirked. "Yeah! See you and your parents tonight, Zim!"</p><p>Zim would not be shown up. He turned around, pointing a finger upward in a threatening motion. "Zim Yes. Oh, I will bring my parents. And they shall be the greatest, most parental parents ever!" he roared.</p><p>That afternoon…</p><p>"Welcome home, son!"</p><p>The Avon Lady who'd arrived at the front door blinked in surprise at this unusual man at the front door of the green house with the strange lawn gnomes. "Oh, uh…heh-heh. Is the lady of the house in?" She asked.</p><p>A "woman" quickly appeared in the doorway. "That's me! I am house lady, brush your teeth!" She proclaimed.</p><p>GIR, in his doggy disguise, walked by the open door humming a tune. He caught sight of the bag of make-up which says "Take Make-up" and stared intently at it. "Oooh." He thought to himself.</p><p>The Avon lady cleared her throat. "I'm selling make-up and I just know you'll find something great in-"</p><p>She didn't get to finish as the "mom" jumped on her, demanding she brush her teeth as she held a toothbrush up.</p><p>Zim walked down the sidewalk, all depressed. Dib's words continued to ring in his head.</p><p>
  <em>"I'll see you and your parents tonight, Zim! By the way, it's not called Parent-Teacher night, it's called Zim doom parent, Zim doomy zimmy... doom... night! Ha-ha-ha-ha!...oh, and watch out for that puppy."</em>
</p><p>"Huh?"</p><p>FWOOMP!</p><p>He tripped over a motionless puppy and He landed right in front of his yard and raised his head to see an Avon Lady running away with GIR following after.</p><p>"No, wait! Come back! I need stuff!" GIR yelled.</p><p>Zim stormed into the house as his two parent decoys backed up a bit to let him in. He was baring his teeth, eyes glistening with annoyance.</p><p>"Welcome home, son!" The Father Decoy spoke just before it wheeled backward and rammed into a wall.</p><p>The Mother Decoy held up a bag of flour. "You want some dinner, sweetheart?"</p><p>She promptly poured it all over him. Groaning, Zim wiped it off as he headed to the couch.</p><p>"What am I going to <strong>do</strong>? I only have a few hours before this…parent-teacher thing." He thought to himself. He looked over at the decoys to see that the "mom" was poking the "dad" with a wooden spoon.</p><p>Zim slapped his face and pulled it down slightly. "The parent decoys aren't ready for that kind of service. Their interactive skills are too limited! I'm doomed!...unless... GIR!" He shouted.</p><p>GIR quickly zoomed into the room as make-up items scatter around him. Yes, he'd jacked the Avon Lady. He saluted his master. "Yes sir!" He told Zim, lipstick around his lips and eye-shadow underneath his eyes.</p><p>"GIR, we have to program the parents to learn human social behavior if they are to join me for parent teacher night!" Zim told him. "To the LAB!"</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…16 televisions hooked up to dozens of wires, 16 TV shows playing…and the parent decoys were strapped to chairs with their eyes are clamped open as wires were attached to their heads. GIR, still in disguise, saw a show playing on one of the screens. "Ooh! This is my favorite show!"</p><p>Then he saw a TV show that was an old Warner Bros cartoon.</p><p>"Wait, no, this is my favorite show!" He said. Then he walked back to the other TV. "Look! It's my favorite show!"</p><p>Then GIR hugged the TV that was playing the Scary Monkey Show.</p><p>"I <strong>love</strong> this show." He squeaked out.</p><p>Zim shook his head and pulled him away. "No, GIR! The robot parents must learn proper parenting from this video program!"</p><p>(Zim held up a cassette that said "Proper Earth Parenting." He promptly stuck the video into a VCR and all the TVs started playing the tape. GIR nestled his head up to a wire, ignoring the tape and trying to fall asleep.</p><p>Zim, however, walked off and out the door, issuing one more command. "Make sure they watch the entire video, GIR. The fate of our mission depends on it!"</p><p>Gir yawned as he looked at all the screens. They displayed a mom and a dad showing off their son.</p><p>"We sure are proud of our little boy!" The mother said, putting her arms on a child's shoulders.</p><p>"We sure are!" The father said, nodding.</p><p>GIR blinked for a few moments, as if something inside of him was…responding to the tape. But then the need to watch TV swelled up and he took out the TV remote.</p><p>CA-CLICK!</p><p>"Are you plagued by grass stains?"</p><p>"I like burritos... but they sure don't like me!"</p><p>"Who does your hair?"</p><p>"We now return to our movie in progress…Kung Fu Theater's POKE OF DOOOOM!"</p><p>GIR squeaked happily. "I <strong>love</strong> this show…"</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>… "Are you ready dear?" The mother decoy asked Zim.</p><p>"Yessss…" Zim hissed.</p><p>"Well then we otta be on our way." The father decoy spoke.</p><p>"<em>Yes</em>!" He said, punching the air.</p><p>"We sure are proud of you son." The mother said.</p><p>" We sure arrrrre..." The father decoy said, leaning in and patting Zim on the head.</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>… It was Parent-Teacher Night. Lizard Boy showed off his lizard-like tongue to Flan while Nick looked at a floating monitor that was accompanying Dib and Gaz.</p><p>"…you're Prof. Membrane?" Nick asked.</p><p>"INDEED!" Prof. Membrane said. "I am! You must be the substitute teacher I've heard so much about!"</p><p>"He's hilarious." Gaz remarked.</p><p>"You know…" Nick rubbed his chin. "For some reason, you seem very…FAMILIAR…" He admitted softly. He looked from Dib to the monitor. "I can see where Dib gets his good looks from." He joked. "Well you two have a good time." Nick said. "I've got to go get a mop…"</p><p>He walked off, leaving them to ponder this as another teacher, Mr. Elliot, approached them.</p><p>"Hey kids, so this is your dad? I never knew he was a floating head!" Mr. Elliot remarked, holding onto his drink with one hand.</p><p>"No, he's not. My dad's just really busy and he couldn't be here in person. He's transmitting live from his lab across town!"</p><p>Mr. Elliot smiled understandingly. "Hey, my dad was like that too, you know I understand. It's nice to meet you, professor. I'm Mr. Elliot, huh, your daughter Gaz's main teacher! I was sick for most of the day, but I'm glad I made it in time for Parent-Teacher Night!"</p><p>Gaz rolled her eyes, groaning.</p><p>"I'm sorry but I'm very busy right now. We're testing some highly unstable chemicals." He said, putting a test tube down. Then he turned his head and his goggles visibly bulged.</p><p>"NOOO! You have the mixture <em>all wrong</em>!" He screamed.</p><p>"Oh boy." Gaz mumbled.</p><p>KA-BOOOOM!</p><p>A mushroom cloud shot up in the window behind Mr. Elliot far on the other side of town. Sirens screamed along with people as the monitor screen shows static for a few moments before a "Biohazard" symbol appeared with the words "Please Stand By".</p><p>"…that's a BAD thing, right?" Mr. Elliot asked.</p><p>"…pretty bad." Dib admitted.</p><p>Zim stood in the cafeteria doorway with his Parent Decoys behind him. Taking a deep breath to gain his confidence, he walked over to Ms. Bitters, who was talking to some parents while the Parent Decoys wheeled along behind him. Zim cleared his throat and spoke.</p><p>"These are my parents, I love them with all my heart!" He spoke up. "…and I must have punch now!"</p><p>With that he scampered away, leaving Ms. Bitters with the other parents.</p><p>"When you were my students, I said you'd amount to nothing. And I was right, you're nothing!"</p><p>"Yeah well, you're still teaching the same dead-end job you had 30 years-" One spoke up.</p><p>KA-BONK!</p><p>A light fixture knocked him out. Ms. Bitters grinned evilly. The school was on HER side.</p><p>Zim stood by the punch bowl with his parent decoys as Dib, the monitor and Gaz walked over to him. You see, Prof. Membrane had gotten the monitor working again and appeared to be unharmed. WOW, he was tough.</p><p>Dib got himself a cup of punch as he addressed his sworn arch-rival.</p><p>"Hello ZIM."</p><p>"DIB." Zim muttered, eyes narrowing.</p><p>"Dad, there's somebody I want you to meet. This is Zim. You know, the alien." He said, gesturing at Zim.</p><p>The monitor/Professor swerved all around Zim like it was the moon and he was Earth. The professor rubbed his chin thoughtfully.</p><p>"And what country is the little green boy from?" He asked, intrigued.</p><p>Zim waved his hand dismissively in the air. "Yes, yes, that's fascinating." He mumbled.</p><p>Before he scampered away he knocked Dib's punch right in his face. Gaz sniggered.</p><p>Zim's parent decoys were talking to the Slunchy family. Billy Slunchy was obviously disgruntled, arms folded, frowning angrily.</p><p>"So, what's goin' on?" Zim asked, trying to "blend in".</p><p>"My mom won't stop TALKING about me, it's really embarrassing. "</p><p>"At least she's not showing the pictures." His brother Mongo said hopefully.</p><p>"Oh, and you've just gotta see these pictures! Now here's Billy cryin' when he was kicked off the soccer team for cryin' too much!"</p><p>Poor Billy started crying.</p><p>"Grass stains sure are tough to get out of those soccer uniforms!" The mother decoy said.</p><p>The father decoy nodded. "Sports aren't everything. I'm sure your boy will find... <em>something</em> he's good at."</p><p>Zim put a hand to his chin, smiling. So far so good! He might get out of this yet and appear "normal"!</p><p>"That's true." Mr. Slunchy nodded. "Hey, why not try one of these cookies! My wife made them!" He said, holding up a plate covered with chocolate chip cookies.</p><p>"Thanks, Ted!" The "dad" of Zim said, taking a bite of the cookie….</p><p>And then he grabbed his stomach with a look of pain on his face.</p><p>The mother decoy's eyes went wide. "Oh no. Honey, is it-"</p><p>"Yup!" The father decoy said, nodding. "Diarrhea!"</p><p>DA-DUM! A sea of parents and students students look in the direction of the parent decoys.</p><p>Zim felt a chill rise in him. "<em>Uh oh.</em>" He thought.</p><p>"I have just the thing for that!" The mother decoy spoke up.</p><p>She lifted a cup of punch and splashed it in the father decoy's face. He wheeled backwards, hitting a wall as sparks shot from his body while the mother decoy turned to face the shocked Mrs. Slunchy.</p><p>"Who does your hair?" She asked, poking Ms. Slunchy in the head.</p><p>"Ow, ow, ow! My head!" The poor lady screamed.</p><p>By now the crowd had formed directly around them all. Zim gulped, sweating visibly.</p><p>"Mom, I think we should go home now!" He whispered quickly.</p><p>"Don't tell ME what to do, young man! You go to your room!" She demanded, picking him up and dropping him in the punch before she wheeled away.</p><p>Zim hopped out of the punch bowl, soaking…only to have Dib dump a cup of punch over Zim's head as Gaz sniggered.</p><p>"This COULDN'T get any worse." Zim was about to say.</p><p>Then it did. The father decoy charged into the wall over and over again, leaving a mark and creating sparks on impact.</p><p>"'Hey, is your dad feeling well?" Mr. Elliot asked Zim.</p><p>Zim nervously smiled. "Yes, he's perfectly fine…" He insisted, waving his hand dismissively.</p><p>PA-WHOOP!</p><p>His "dad" had just had an arm pop out.</p><p>Zim did the first thing that came to mind and lied. "Nothing to worry about! My dad lost his arm in the, uh, the war!" He grinned nervously as his "dad" got on his knees.</p><p>"That was my squeezin' arm. They took my squeezing arm! <strong><em>Why my squeezing arm?!</em></strong>" He howled.</p><p>"Quit pokin' my mom's head!" Mongo Slunchy shouted, waving his fist in the air as the mother decoy CONTINUED to poke Mrs. Slunchy.</p><p>Zim dragged his "dad" over to his "mom", gulping nervously.</p><p>"Look, mom, we really have to go! Please. Now, please!" He begged.</p><p>"Honey, you're upset!" She realized.</p><p>"Yes! And I want to go home!" Zim shouted.</p><p>"I know what'll cheer you up." The mother decoy said cheerfully. And then she and the father began to RIVERDANCE!</p><p>Dib, who was at the punch table, eating a doughnut and sipping punch, saw the parent decoys going wild.</p><p>"Look everyone, look!" He shouted.</p><p>Some DID turn their heads…but most were standing around Mrs. Slunchy while Billy sobbed.</p><p>"Can't you see this woman is suffering from severe pokey trauma!?" One woman snapped.</p><p>Zim was sweating buckets now. He realized that eventually the people would turn around and see this whole scene. Luckily he'd watched enough TV…an idea popped into his head!</p><p>"Mom, dad. I think I've broken my spine! My spine!" He complained, pointing at his spine as he bent over.</p><p>"Aw, honey. I think it's time we took you home!" The mother decoy said gently, lifting him up into a cradling position.</p><p>As Zim felt them lift him up, his eyes went wide. For a brief moment he felt warm and fuzzy. He turned and smirked at Dib, triumphant…</p><p>Then he looked down and saw the parent decoys had turned their feet into jet packs and were taking him home by going out the window.</p><p>"Oh foo." He mumbled just before they flew out the window, breaking the glass.</p><p>"Lemme guess. Nobody saw that, right?" Dib asked quietly.</p><p>Nope. They were all still looking at Mrs. Slunchy. Growling, Dib threw his punch to the ground.</p><p>"HEY! That kid's throwing punch!" One person shouted, pointing as everyone turned.</p><p>Dib blinked. Why the HECK would they choose to focus on-</p><p>He didn't get to finish his sentence. The next thing he knew, he was staring right into Ms. Bitters's glowing glasses.</p><p>Nick walked back over, holding up a mop. "Here you go." He said in a helpful tone, giving it to Dib. "Try a circular motion when you clean, it works better."</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…Zim was gently lowered onto the couch by the mother decoy as she stood to the side of the father decoy.</p><p>"We sure are proud of you son." The mother said.</p><p>"We sure are." The dad agreed, nodding.</p><p>"Now you get some rest! Tomorrow's a big day!" The mom cheerfully told him.</p><p>Zim blinked and stood up as the decoys shot into slots in the wall that vanished a few moments later. He took off his contacts, then his toupee, and looked at the TV. GIR was watching a movie…the "Proper Earth Parenting" film that Zim had asked him to show the decoys. The parents in the film were hugging their child.</p><p>Zim slowly blinked his eyes. He'd never had a "father" or "mother" figure. Yes, he looked up to the "Tallest" as all did, but the way these human parents cared about their children was…it was disturbingly sentimental, almost disgustingly so, and yet…</p><p>To be held like that in real, WARM arms…to have somebody say "I'm proud of you, Zim" with a smile on their face…a smile that told you that you were appreciated, respected, that they CARED about what you did, EVERYTHING you did, because you were their son…</p><p>Was…was that what it was like to have parents?</p><p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>I thought this chapter was kinda heartwarming. Maybe you did too! In any case, leave a review so GIR can continue to afford Suckmonkey Slushies!</strong>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Walk of Doom</h2></a>
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            <em>Oh I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more...</em>
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            <strong>WALK OF DOOM</strong>
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          <p>A girl with black hair tied into a ponytail and glasses stood by Nick, who nervously rubbed the back of his neck. They'd just left "Costly's" and had finished up eating a brownie together.</p>
          <p>"So…er…see you tomorrow?" Nick asked. He was blushing visibly.</p>
          <p>"Yeah." The girl said, smiling nervously.</p>
          <p>"You smelled extra nice today, Kelsey." Nick admitted softly.</p>
          <p>"Thanks!" She said, kissing him on the cheek. She then smiled and headed off, down the sidewalk. Nick held his cheek with one hand as he blinked softly. He could hear music begin to swell around him as a dazedly happy look appeared.</p>
          <p><em><strong>There…she…gooooes</strong></em>! He sang. <em><strong>There she goes again!</strong></em></p>
          <p>He clenched his fists and held them to his chest, standing on his tippy-toes as he sang. <em><strong>She calls my name! Pulls my train!</strong></em> He spread out his arms wide as he closed his eyes, twirling around. <em><strong>No one else could heal my paaaain!</strong></em></p>
          <p>He then skipped along the sidewalk as little specks of light floated around him in a dozen different colors.</p>
          <p>
            <em>
              <strong>There she goes! There she goes again! Chasing down my lane! </strong>
            </em>
          </p>
          <p>
            <em>
              <strong>And I just can't contain-aain! This feeling that remain-aaains!</strong>
            </em>
          </p>
          <p>He laughed happily as he skipped down the sidewalk, eyes sparkling.</p>
          <p>
            <em>
              <strong>There she goes! There she goes! There she gooooes! </strong>
            </em>
          </p>
          <p>…</p>
          <p>…</p>
          <p>…</p>
          <p>…Somebody else was in a very happy mood. GIR, in his usual disguise had fallen from the ceiling, bounced off the couch and was now running around the living room.</p>
          <p>"Yeee heeee! I'm running, I'm running!" He proclaimed.</p>
          <p>GIR continued to scream happily as he ran along the archway in between the living room and Meanwhile, Zim was hard at work making some adjustments to a computer chip. He held up his laser pen and made a few more sweeps as GIR slid into the lab through a high tech laundry chute, still hyper. He slid across the floor, then stood up and removed his disguise.</p>
          <p>"I'm naked! Feel the wiiind!" He shouted, running around the lab.</p>
          <p>"GIR! Sit still! I need quite to repair your guidance systems box!" Zim ordered.</p>
          <p>"I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it-"</p>
          <p>BAM! He hit the laundry chute thing he'd fallen out of and hit the ground, momentarily deactivated. Luckily our…well, I guess the term is "protagonist" since he wasn't exactly a "hero" was finished with the chip.</p>
          <p>"DONE!" He announced, holding it up in the air. "The finest in Irken guidance technology and I have improved it! I'm such a genius." He thought out loud.</p>
          <p>"With these upgrades, GIR, there will be nothing that you cannot find, no situation that you cannot guide us out of!" He told GIR as he opened up GIR's head…</p>
          <p>To reveal a bee hive. Woops!</p>
          <p>"<em>Beeeees</em>!" Zim screamed. He quickly stuffed the bee hive into the laundry chute and it was sucked away.</p>
          <p>"PHEW. Now…if we could JUST work on your erratic behavior!" Zim thought out loud.</p>
          <p>"Aw, my bees..." GIR mumbled as Zim stuck the chip into GIR's head.</p>
          <p>"You now possess superior geographic guidance abilities, GIR." Zim told his robot.</p>
          <p>"Finally." GIR said.</p>
          <p>"Now then…report upgrade status." Zim said, hands behind his back.</p>
          <p>GIR'S eyes became red as he went into "duty mode".</p>
          <p>"Sir, guidance chip in place and fully functional, sir!"</p>
          <p>"Demonstrate." Zim told him. "Which way is... the school?" He asked.</p>
          <p>GIR's eyes squinted as his scanners searched through the walls, scanning…scanning…there! It was 5 miles away. He pointed in the direction of the school.</p>
          <p>Zim nodded, pleased. "Good, GIR. Now, something tougher. Where is planet Blorch?"</p>
          <p>GIR looked upwards, his scanners going through the skies of Earth until at last he saw it. A planet with two moons upon it.</p>
          <p>"Excellent! Now, where is our home planet, Irk?" Zim asked.</p>
          <p>GIR moved his finger a TINY bit and pointed to the right.</p>
          <p>"Perfect!" Zim exclaimed. "Okay, GIR. I think a field test is in order! Let's go into the nearby city and get as lost as we can."</p>
          <p>GIR, meanwhile, was looking at a TV screen.</p>
          <p>"And GIR, no cheating. Shut your chip off first!" Zim told him, waving a finger.</p>
          <p>"Do we have to go right NOW? I wanna watch the Scary Monkey Show!" GIR pleaded.</p>
          <p>Zim looked at the TV screen and his eyes narrowed as he clenched his fist. "That MONKEY…" He hissed. "NO, GIR, we're NOT watching the Scary Monkey Show. As soon as we're lost enough you just use the chip to guide us home. Now, put your disguise back on!" He ordered. "I have devised a new, even more insidiously clever disguise for myself!"</p>
          <p>SOON…</p>
          <p>Zim's "ingenious new disguise" included a coat, a beard, and a hat with a flower on it.</p>
          <p>…no, seriously, I couldn't make this up if I tried.</p>
          <p>"Be alert, GIR! On this planet we are surrounded by danger, and madness!" Zim warned him.</p>
          <p>"Ooh, I like madness!" GIR said cheerfully.</p>
          <p>The city buildings towered over them, imposing and dangerous to Zim as he looked around nervously, walking with the disguised GIR along the sidewalk. Past clothing stores, pawn shops…ooh, a shop that had rows of TVs in a display window, all playing the Scary Monkey Show!</p>
          <p>The Scary Monkey breathed heavily. GIR naturally stopped to watch, but Zim, muttering "That MONKEY" under his breath kept walking and GIR was forcibly dragged by his leash. They continued to walk along more streets and shops and then reached a Chihuahua that walked in front of them. It blinked at them slowly…</p>
          <p>And then a car whizzed by it, tugging at the little thing's hair so hard it almost appeared to blur</p>
          <p>"Madness!" Zim cried, running off with GIR and heading into a park. They saw a strange sight…it was Zim's first look at a "mime".</p>
          <p>"What…is THIS?" he wondered.</p>
          <p>"Street performance." Nick said as he sat in a bench nearby. "This guy's called a "Mime". There's also magicians like that guy…"</p>
          <p>He pointed a finger at a kid with a lightning bolt scar who was doing levitation on an old lady AND fixing her back! Two practices in one go!</p>
          <p>"Then there's starving artists…"</p>
          <p>Nick pointed over at a man with glasses, reddish hair that was spiked up and a coat who was doing "Nightmare Fuel caricatures" of other people and signing it "J. Vasquez".</p>
          <p>"…okay….er…I think I've had my fill of these horrible... stink people things for today." Zim said as he headed back the way he and GIR had come. "GIR, activate your guidance chip and lead the way to home!" He told GIR.</p>
          <p>GIR blinked, then pointed upwards.</p>
          <p>"Ha-ha-ha! No-no-no, GIR, not Irk. I meant our home base here on <em>Earth</em>." He told GIR gently.</p>
          <p>GIR pointed down at the ground. Zim frowned. This wasn't right…</p>
          <p>"Our house, GIR! Which direction is our house?"</p>
          <p>"Um, that way." He said, pointing randomly. "No wait, it's over there. Or…er…"</p>
          <p>"How could you not know!? I just upgraded your guidance system!" Zim asked angrily.</p>
          <p>"Oh, I left that at home."</p>
          <p>"You left what at home?" Zim asked, folding his arms.</p>
          <p>"The guidy, chippy, thingy." GIR said, gesturing with one stubby dog arm.</p>
          <p>Zim tore at his fake beard. "You-! GIR, tell me, WHY would you do that!?!"</p>
          <p>"To make room for the cupcake!" GIR said, unzipping his costume, taking out a cupcake and eating it on the spot.</p>
          <p>Zim slapped his face with his hand. "HOW could you do this?" He growled. "You've left us stranded in the middle of the enemy territory! Surrounded by humans!" He snarled at GIR, eyes blazing.</p>
          <p>Then Zim stopped, seeing that GIR was beginning to cry. He blinked a few times, a deep feeling rising in him, and he stopped yelling.</p>
          <p>"Well, I…I can see that you understand your mistake, Gir, and me being angry will get us no closer to home." He said in as gentle and soothing a tone as he could muster to GIR. "I will just have to use my innate invader survival skills to get us out of here." He supposed.</p>
          <p>He hopped onto a trash can and peered around. "See, GIR? The Almighty Tallest have not placed there trust in me without reason."</p>
          <p>"I miss you, cupcake." GIR thought, looking at his cupcake wrapper.</p>
          <p>Zim soon came out of the trash can with some scraps in his hand.</p>
          <p>"I will use these pieces of scrap metal to fashion a compass... using this planet's own magnetic field against it!" He proclaimed, getting to work on making the compass. In a few moments, it was done.</p>
          <p>"Now, witness the power of my compass!" He told GIR, holding it up…</p>
          <p>And unfortunately, it pointed straight at GIR…and then it flew out of his hands and stuck to him.</p>
          <p>"Aw, it LIKES me!" GIR said, hugging it. "I wub you too!"</p>
          <p>"…okay…perhaps a compass is not the best tool for this situation." Zim mumbled as he grabbed the compass and tossed it in the trash.</p>
          <p>"Why don't we ask the information humans for help?" GIR asked, pointing at an "City Information" booth across the street.</p>
          <p>"I will not stoop as low as to ask the humans for help!" Zim muttered, clenching his fist and giving GIR a look like he was crazy.</p>
          <p>"What about Mr. Arator?" GIR asked.</p>
          <p>"HE'S human, GIR!" Zim snapped. "The Hairy One told me he "looks out for me"…those words are put into doubt every second we're out here and unable to find our way back! Don't speak nonsense GIR…we help ourselves!"</p>
          <p>"What about the bus?" GIR asked, reading off a sign that was right on the bus.</p>
          <p>Zim rubbed his hands eagerly. "Excellent, GIR! We will use one of their very own methods of transportation to beat this revolting city!" He laughed happily.</p>
          <p>But they didn't even make a few steps onto the bus before the bus driver looked at him.</p>
          <p>"Where do you think you're going?" She asked.</p>
          <p>"I am going home. Now mind your business, bus slave!" Zim snapped, pointing at the woman.</p>
          <p>"You don't go anywhere without bus fare!" She said, pointing at the fare bin at the front of the bus, coughing madly.</p>
          <p>"Fare?" Zim asked.</p>
          <p>"This ain't a free ride, little man." The bus driver snorted. "You need money!"</p>
          <p>Zim's eyes narrowed as he did his "claw clenches". "You expect me to pay to be on this filthy machine? <strong>Have you the </strong><em><strong>brain worms</strong></em><strong>!?!</strong>" He snarled.</p>
          <p>…well, the door hit his butt on the way out. In seconds he was on the ground, trying to pick him and GIR up.</p>
          <p>"I don't need your bus! I will use the power of my sun to find my way!" Zim said, pointing at the sky.</p>
          <p>The bus driver drove off, muttering "weirdo" under her breath.</p>
          <p>"So are we gonna ride the sun home?" GIR asked.</p>
          <p>It was times like today that made Zim wonder if GIR really WAS advanced. "No, GIR. I can use the Earth's sun to determine which direction is west. The Earth's sun always sets in the west."</p>
          <p><em>"Wow, you're LEARNING." </em>The narrator spoke.</p>
          <p>"Thanks." Zim said proudly. "Now watch me amaze you!"</p>
          <p>Zim's eyes stared into the sun. But after a few moments his eyes began to bubble up, and the the caking bubbles turned black, covering his eyes completely as pain shot through his nerves.</p>
          <p>"Wait a minute... I'm blind!" He screamed, tearing at his eyes. "Uh, no, help, noooo! AAA!"</p>
          <p>"…<em>just when I think you're finally </em><em>learning</em><em>…"</em></p>
          <p>"GIR! I think they booby trapped their sun somehow!" Zim shouted. He promptly ran into a wall and slid down it, moaning.</p>
          <p>"A minor setback, GIR." He insisted, getting up and dusting himself off. "We'll be home in no time. I'll just wait until the skin grows back on my eyeballs!"</p>
          <p><em>"That could take a while…"</em> The narrator spoke up.</p>
          <p>…</p>
          <p>…</p>
          <p>…</p>
          <p>…at last, the skin had grown back, though now it was night. "GIR! I can see! I can see! Now we can figure out how to escape this filthy place!" He told Zim.</p>
          <p>"Get a job, ya bum!" Somebody shouted.</p>
          <p>"That's it!" Zim realized. "If we can find a job, we can make money." He said, rubbing his chin. "With this money, we can ride the bus! I'm going to beat you, city!" He shouted, waving his fist at the tall skyscrapers. "You won't make a fool of this Irken invader!"</p>
          <p>"Too late." GIR mumbled in his sleep.</p>
          <p>Returning to the Zim's lay his hat on the ground, and people were putting change into it as he acted like a mine, and GIR pretended to be a windup toy. GIR rotates slowly, and then spins around.</p>
          <p>Then a short man wearing the same clothes as Zim and holding a bag of stolen cash peeked his head through the crowd. He saw Zim was wearing the same clothes as he was and grinned evilly, putting some money into his hat… a nice, fat wad of hundred dollar bills…</p>
          <p>Soon the bus driver opened the bus door to see…</p>
          <p>"I'm gonna eat a rat!" GIR exclaimed as Zim dumped all the money he had into the change bin and took a seat with GIR. The woman blinked, then smiled happily as she closed the door.</p>
          <p>"Finally, we are heading home!" Zim said happily.</p>
          <p>Unfortunately then the bus got stuck in a traffic jam. Zim blinked in surprise when he saw the lack of car movement outside.</p>
          <p>"I smell dooky!" GIR remarked.</p>
          <p>Zim looked across from his seat at an old crying woman with a drooling baby on her lap. Then he looked to GIR, who smiles, squeaked, and closes his eyes as he waved.</p>
          <p>Why…why was it so HOT in here, Zim wondered. And that baby..it was glaring at him! GLARING!</p>
          <p>GIR waved…</p>
          <p>Eyes narrowed…evil smile! EVIL HUMAN BABY!</p>
          <p>Gir waved again…</p>
          <p>IT WOULD EAT HIS BRAAAAIINS!</p>
          <p>He had to focus on something else! He looked out the window, seeing a man call for a taxi. He looked around and saw a woman picking her nose. He saw a man drooling, he saw a man with flies sucking on him. He saw a frowning clown with a piece of meat in her hair, he saw the baby, THE BABY!</p>
          <p>Gir waved once more!</p>
          <p>"I cannot stay on this bus any longer!" He screamed, running off the bus with GIR.</p>
          <p>"Freaaaaak." The clown muttered.</p>
          <p>"Woo! I like destroying too!" GIR said happily as he kicked a "poop cola" can.</p>
          <p>"GIR! I have a plan!" Zim stated. He said, looking up at the taller buildings. "Ocular implants are standard invader issue. From the top of that building my incredible eyes should be able to spot our neighborhood."</p>
          <p>"Okay." GIR said nonchalantly.</p>
          <p>Zim walked into the nearest tall building, not realizing it was a bank and that it was cordoned off by the police. He saw the stairs and was about to go to them when a bank teller pointed right at him.</p>
          <p>"It's HIM!" She shouted.</p>
          <p>Officer Pambrey looked at a picture from the security camera of the bank, which showed…well, a person that looked a whole lot like Zim taking off with a big bag of money.</p>
          <p>"Hey, that's the guy!" He shouted, pointing at Zim, who blinked in confusion. "And he's back for moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooore!" He screamed. "Get him!"</p>
          <p>Screaming, Zim ran up the stairs, grabbing GIR as he did so. The police chased after him as they continued to run up the stairs one flight at a time and soon they made it to the roof .In desperation, Zim jumped off the roof and then used the spider legs of his PAK to cling to the edge, hiding from the police.</p>
          <p>"Okay, now, where do we go from here?" Zim thought out loud, looking around the city. He finally pointed in a certain direction. "There! That looks about right. Now, use your jets to fly us home!" He ordered just as a helicopter hovered down in front of them, shining lights on them.</p>
          <p>"Yes sir!" GIR said, activating his jets as Zim retracted his robotic legs into the PAK. Taking off through the air our heroes swerved around the helicopter, going through the night sky and…</p>
          <p>The jets…were giving…out…</p>
          <p>BAM! They fell into a dumpster. Zim groaned as he got up, rubbing his head and COVERED in garbage.</p>
          <p>"What happened!?! How did you run out of fuel that quickly!?!" He wondered out loud.</p>
          <p>"I emptied it out." GIR said, shrugging.</p>
          <p>"Emptied it? Why!?!" Zim demanded to know, wheeling on GIR.</p>
          <p>"To make room for the tuuunaa." GIR said, popping off one foot and sucking tuna from the open leg.</p>
          <p>Zim nervously cringed, shuddering. "Okaaaaay…hey!" He shouted, going to the sidewalk and calling for a Taxi. "HEY!"</p>
          <p>"Where to?" The taxi driver Mr. Jeremy asked him.</p>
          <p>Zim held a glove's claw up in the air in a threatening motion. "You think I won't be ready, but you're wrong presumptuous cab beast!" He growled. "I have prepared myself for this moment, and it is paid off in full! You see, the invaders learn from their mistakes, however rare they may be! Now, human, take me to... THAT WAY!" He said, pointing to the right.</p>
          <p>"And quickly!" He demanded. "In case you haven't noticed, I've been trying to go <strong>home</strong>!"</p>
          <p>SOON…</p>
          <p>As some piñatas hung from the ceiling of a butcher store where a dead pig was placed in the window, two rats danced with each other. The butcher danced along with them, one rose in his mouth.</p>
          <p>"FEO chewies?" A girl asked Zim, holding up a small box filled with light blue packets in danced happily along with the rats and the butcher as Latin music played and Zim grumbled under his breath as the sun beat down on the Mexican streets…</p>
          <p>"…alright, fine, why not?" Zim asked, tugging out a fiver from his pocket.</p>
          <p><em><strong>Nuestro Ministro de Justicia es Alberto Gonzales…un hombre que cree en el imperio de la ley uber alles! </strong></em><em><strong>Su gente venia a este pais desde Sonora! Y ahora, enceran su Mercedes por cuatro dólares por hora…Y no mas - and no more-a! </strong></em><em><strong>A propósito, hoy estamos contratando a gente como ustedes! Para construir un muro de diecisiete pies para excluir a gente como ustedes! </strong></em>The narrator sang out in Spanish, dancing around as he sang for GIR, who clapped his hands.</p>
          <p>
            <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
          </p>
          <p>
            <strong>For those who are wondering what the narrator's singing in Spanish, there's plenty of Spanish text translation tools on the internet! You might be surprised to find out what he's singing, though...</strong>
          </p>
          <p>
            <strong>And by all means, review!</strong>
          </p>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Germs!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Sometimes I give myself the creeps...sometimes my mind plays tricks on me! It all keeps addin' up...I think I'm crackin' up! Am I just paranoid, or am I just stoned?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>GERMS!</strong>
</p>
<p>Nick was walking alongside the sidewalk, clasping his hands together, singing, eyes turned all sparkly. As he floated through the air, sparkling points of light of many colors surrounding him, somebody noticed his starry eyes and blinked. "Is he JAPANESE or somethin'?" The man wondered,</p>
<p>"<em><strong>Kelsey is an angel in disguiiiise..." </strong></em>Nick sang. He spun around in a circle, grinning happily. <em><strong>"She will bring a teardrop to my heeeaaaaarrr-"</strong></em></p>
<p>TWHONKA-SCWHOOP-WOOP-WOOP-WOOP!</p>
<p>A bicycle gang ran him over. He groaned as he lifted his head, spitting out some bloody spit and snarling.</p>
<p>"<em>Jhonen!</em>" He hissed. "I should have KNOWN he'd do something like this…"</p>
<p>He dusted himself off. "I'll deal with him eventually. I wonder how Zim's doing with that DVD I loaned him? He'd better not have broken it!"</p>
<p>SPEAKING OF SAID DVD…</p>
<p>…Alien spacecraft hovered above a ruined city as a group of human scientists discussed ideas on the survival of the human race inside of a laboratory.</p>
<p>"What are we going to do!? In only a matter of hours the alien scourge will bring the human race to its knees!" One shouted, tearing at his hair.</p>
<p>One pointed upward, eyes hopeful. "I know! Let's build a giant space station, evacuate all the people, and live among the stars!"</p>
<p>"There's not enough time for that!" The second one groaned.</p>
<p>"Can we build a small station and just evacuate all the scientists?" The hopeful scientist inquired sheepishly.</p>
<p>Before they could speak anymore, a female scientist cleared her throat as she stood beside an insectoid, brown-plated, red-eyed alien in a tube. The long-legged alien growled as the female scientist held up a pepper shaker and poured some into her hand, then lifted it up to her nose, holding onto a mouth piece that was connected to the tube with her other hand.</p>
<p>A sneeze built up.</p>
<p>"AAA…AAA…"</p>
<p>She shoved the mouthpiece over her mouth and SNEEZED into it. The snotty expulsion went up into the tube and covered the alien, and then…</p>
<p>POP went the alien like an overcooked potato!</p>
<p>"Behold! The aliens are allergic... to germs!" The woman said, using a pointer stick to strike a nearby chalkboard that had "GERMS" written on it.</p>
<p>What followed was a quick and one-sided battle. The alien menace was NO MATCH for soldiers with runny noses, weezy coughs and really itchy eyes. The words "The End" appeared on the TV screen of the movie that Zim and GIR had been watching and GIR cheered.</p>
<p>"Hooray for Earth!"</p>
<p>Zim whacked him on the head. "GIR! Earth is our enemy!"</p>
<p>"I understand." GIR said.</p>
<p>"DO you?" He asked.</p>
<p>"…no." He admitted.</p>
<p>Zim rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"Stupid human propaganda!" He sneered. "The very <em>concept</em> of a superior alien species being felled by something as pathetic as germs is pure fantasy! Do they really believe that could happen?" He asked, looking smug. He then burst out into evil laughter as GIR joined in…</p>
<p>Then an idea hit him.</p>
<p>What IF…</p>
<p>TO THE LAB!</p>
<p>"Trying to conquer an alien world? Remember, never under estimate the small threats... like germs!" His computer told him as the word "GERMS" appeared on his computer's display screen down in his laboratory. "Yes, germs. Every planet has them, and many an invading life form has been thwarted by these invisible enemies!"</p>
<p>Zim gasped in horror. "It's true!"</p>
<p>"<em>Yeah, like I said, 3,612 races have invaded Earth before." </em>The narrator told him. "<em>A good 30 percent have been killed off by germs, 40 percent killed off by truckers, fisherman and other "low-level jobs", and another 30 percent by minors. EVERYBODY underestimates the minors."</em></p>
<p>His computer went on. "So whether you are out conquering worlds or are just concerned about these tiny pests, make sure you're prepared with a pair of germ-spotting micro goggles!"</p>
<p>WOOOP! A 3-D model of micro goggles appeared on his display screen. Clicking on the display screen for a demo, catchy elevator music played as the goggles were beamed down to his lab onto a receptor pad.</p>
<p>"Oooh, neat!" He remarked cheerfully, putting on the goggles. "Germs! PFFT! Let's see this "mighty human threat"!</p>
<p>He turned around, activating the goggles, and…</p>
<p>
  <strong>BGM: Music from shower scene of "Psycho"</strong>
</p>
<p>Everywhere…EVERYWHERE! Green, pulsing, squirming masses of filth that were surrounding him everywhere he looked! Oozing to his left, his right…above, below! THEY WERE ON HIS STUFF!</p>
<p>"AAAAAAA!" He screamed. The goggles then vanished, leaving Zim alone and quivering in his chair like a little baby.</p>
<p>"Wasn't that neat? Thank you for trying micro goggles. If you like what you saw, please order the full version!"</p>
<p>Goggles! He needed the goggles! Body still shaking like a leaf and clutching onto himself for dear life, Zim reached forward and pressed the "Order" button as Planet Callnowia received his order. The telemarketing planet sent a meteor that whizzed through space…</p>
<p>Through the air of Earth…</p>
<p>And finally hit his front porch. A robotic arm opened up from a patch on the meteor, rang the doorbell, and then collapsed into nothingess along with the meteor-shell that had encased a brown box marked "EARTH" in a big sticky note on the front. Nervously looking around, Zim picked the box up, his hands using Kleenex to bring it inside. He put the goggles on…</p>
<p>And instantly regretted it. They were EVERYWHERE! The cabinet, the fridge, the windows, the painting the WALLS!</p>
<p>"So... much... flith!" He whispered fearfully.</p>
<p>Carefully our "hero" made his way towards the kitchen, taking careful steps…and then GIR entered the house, holding up a dirty pig above his head.</p>
<p>"Let's go to my room, pig!" GIR said happily, bounding off.</p>
<p>Zim, meanwhile, entered the living room, armed with a mop, a can of Germ-Be-Gone and a bucket full of disinfectant.</p>
<p>"I never even suspected that the battle for the planet would ever take place in my own fortress!" Zim mused. He pointed upwards with his mop. "Hear me now, germs! Prepare yourselves for <strong>destruction</strong>!" Zim crowed evilly.</p>
<p>He sprayed left and right! He mopped the couch, got on his knees and scrubbed away at the floor while his house computer sent robotic arms down from the ceiling to work on the parts he couldn't reach, such as high areas of the walls and behind the couch…yes, BEHIND the couch. He had a habit of slipping, falling down, and not being able to get out. Please don't tell anyone…</p>
<p>"Ah. The stink of clean!" Zim said happily as he looked around the house. It was ALL done!</p>
<p>No, wait. There was a tiny green germ left over hiding near a floor tile. He leapt on it, can spraying heavily. It gagged over and over…</p>
<p>"<em>Why!?</em>" It screamed out before finally dying. Disturbing, yes. Not that he cared. He just kept spraying until at last…</p>
<p>"Another win for the Irken army! Clean lemony fresh victory is mine!" He proclaimed.</p>
<p>Then things got bad. FAST.</p>
<p>GIR, disguised, had gone back outside with his pig. He waved goodbye to his friend cheerfully. "See you later, pig!" And then he shut the door as Pig drove off on his motorcycle.</p>
<p>But Zim wasn't thinking about how a pig could drive a motorcycle…because FILTH was spreading from GIR like an ocean wave getting closer and closer!</p>
<p>"I'm gonna roll around the floor for a little bit, kay?" GIR asked, rolling around on the floor and humming happily as the germs spread out further…getting closer…closer…</p>
<p>"GIR, what are you doing? Stop immediately! You're <strong>disgusting</strong>!" Zim said, sticking his tongue out in distaste.</p>
<p>"Aw, somebody needs a hug!" GIR said cheerfully, getting up and stretching out his arms.</p>
<p>"No, no, no, no, no GIR, no!" Zim gasped, spraying GIR with his spray can…to no avail!</p>
<p>"I'm gonna hug yooouuuuu!" GIR said, maw opening wide as it dripped Chocolate Bubblegum SuckMunkey and reached out…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "NOOOOOOO!" With a desperate wail, Zim launched himself outside. Panting in fear, he turned around and…</p>
<p>"AAAAAA!" He screamed. SO-MANY-GERMS!</p>
<p>"The enemy is regrouping!" He gasped. "It's worse than I thought!" He screamed as he sprayed left and right with his spray can. His neighbor, who had lost his legs in the war, rolled his eyes and watched as Zim sprayed his way to safety, heading back into the house.</p>
<p>"<em>I still got a hug in me!"</em></p>
<p>"<strong>AAAA!"</strong></p>
<p>"Ah…this is the life…"</p>
<p>Nick sat on a floating asteroid, watching the stars twinkle above him. He was eating a picnic lunch he'd packed and enjoying it thoroughly.</p>
<p>"Good morning starshiiiine! The Earth says helloooo! You twinkle aboooove us! We twinkle belooooow!" He sang as he held up an Icee and slurped it. He wasn't paying attention to the sparks of rainbow light that were floating into the air around him, mostly because he was used to that by now…</p>
<p>Unfortunately he didn't notice the big SHIP behind him either, specifically "The Massive", the greatest ship of the Irken Armada which the Tallest had control over. And a glowing, rainbow-thingy in space was REALLY noticeable.</p>
<p>He was beamed into the ship, picnic and all, with a WHOOMP, and deposited on a pad in front of the Tallest.</p>
<p>"So what kind of being are you?" Red asked him, looking him over. "Your energy signature is incredibly unusual. In fact, it's power reading broke our scales."</p>
<p>"Yeah, start talking and-wait…is that…a corn dog?" Purple asked. He reached into the picnic basket and held it up into the air, looking at it in awe. Red reached in and grabbed one too.</p>
<p>"…it is indeed." Nick said. "And those happen to be the last ones. Now you put them down or prepare to wrestle."</p>
<p>Red grinned. "I'm gonna say two words that we, as Tallest, can say without fear of retaliation…<strong>make us</strong>."</p>
<p>Nick stood up and dusted himself off. "It's TRUE!" He said happily. "You ARE a race of jerks!"</p>
<p>Purple blinked. "Now, hold on-"</p>
<p>A FEW MOMENTS LATER…</p>
<p>Red and Purple had been tied up and were now slowly going around and around, attached to a ceiling fan.</p>
<p>"Okay, why did we even INSTALL a ceiling fan?!" Red asked. "We HAVE air conditioning!"</p>
<p>"Now I'm gonna let you down." Nick said, chomping on the last corn dogs. "But ONLY if you're gonna play nice. Say you'll do that and I'll let you have my bag of candy corn." He offered, holding up the bag and shaking it around.</p>
<p>"…I DO like candy corn." Red admitted.</p>
<p>"Okay, fine, just please let us down!" Purple begged.</p>
<p>"Please! The magic word!" Nick said. "I'll have you down in a jiff, big P!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…GIR had been tied to a tree outside. Zim was in his lab, wearing a germ-safe outfit that include a shower cap, the micro goggles, suspenders and tissue boxes for shoes. He was spraying his can in random directions, whispering like a man possessed.</p>
<p>"Not gonna get me. Germs, chewing my squeedly spooch. Not my squeedly spooch, you don't!" He hissed. Then an idea hit him. "What about the mission? What about the mission? I should report in but the germs, explody germs! So many germs!" He murmured. "The mission! The mission! I have a JOB to do!" He pointed upwards, a new resolve filling him. "I am an <strong>invader</strong>! I can't let these germs make me lose sight of the bigger mission!" Another idea hit him. "The school! It's been two days! The school will know I've been missing! They must be really suspicious by now!"</p>
<p>Back in school, Mungo turned to Chunky. "Hey, where's Zim?"</p>
<p>"I dunno." Chunky mumbled.</p>
<p>"And I haven't reported to the tallest in too long! They will be worried about me! Mustn't alarm them!" Zim muttered.</p>
<p>ABOARD "THE MASSIVE"…</p>
<p>"Computer Incoming report from Earth." Their navigators told them.</p>
<p>The Almighty Tallest groaned. Almighty Tallest Red sat on a couch eating candy corn while Almighty Tallest Purple was standing. Nick was slurping on an Icee nearby, looking content.</p>
<p>"It's <strong>ZIM</strong>. You know we really should've given him a mission on a sun or a planet of broken glass or something!"</p>
<p>"Or one of those exploding head planets." Red muttered, waving his claws around in a "yeah, y'know" gesture.</p>
<p>Nick blinked. "There's…an exploding head planet?"</p>
<p>"Several." Red told him.</p>
<p>"…ew."</p>
<p>"You have NO idea."</p>
<p>Zim's face appeared on the monitor screen. Sighing, Purple addressed the "Invader". "Yes, what is it now, Zim?"</p>
<p>Zim saluted in his germ-free suit.</p>
<p>"Sirs. I apologize for not reporting in, but- Excuse me…"</p>
<p>He popped off to the side and the sound of a spray can being used could be heard. Nick raised an eyebrow as Zim ducked back to face the camera.</p>
<p>"All is going well, nothing too big to report aside from the usual- Ah! Would you look at the size of THAT one!" He hissed, spraying his can…</p>
<p>Which let out a "PFFT".</p>
<p>"No! No! I'm almost out of disinfectant!" He howled. "All hope will be lost if I don't get more! Never! But, I'm not giving up! I'll destroy yooooooou!" He shouted, pointing randomly around the lab at different germs. "And you, and you, and youuuu!"</p>
<p>BZZZT! The transmission was cut.</p>
<p>Purple blinked, then nervously looked over at Red. "Did that scare you too?"</p>
<p>Red nodded, looking a bit frightened. Nick sighed. "Uh, he'll be calling back tomorrow. Oh, he'll be wearing meat. Wait ten minutes for an interesting show." With that, he walked off for the bathroom…</p>
<p>ZIM'S HOUSE…</p>
<p>"GIR!"</p>
<p>GIR had stopped running around the tree he was tied to and looked at Zim as Zim emerged from the house.</p>
<p>"Pay attention, GIR. We have to go to the store to pick up some more cleaning things. I need as much as I can get so you'll have to help me carry stuff." He sprayed GIR over with his spray can…but it didn't do much.</p>
<p>"ECH! You're still so germy! But it'll have to do…"</p>
<p>He unhooked GIR from the tree and frowned. "I need to save some of this for the trip. Come, GIR!" He barked out as they headed into town….</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…they reached the store, but it was dusk…the night was falling and the air was getting colder. "Look, there it is! We made it!" Zim said happily. He began walking towards it when he noticed another pile of germs in his way. He sprayed the can…</p>
<p>Nothing came out.</p>
<p>Seeing his master's obvious fear, GIR grabbed the can and shook it. "Lemme try!" He offered.</p>
<p>"GIR, NO! The GERMS!" Zim howled, holding onto his head.</p>
<p>GIR was about to spray the can when he looked across the street, seeing a "Mac Meaties" restaurant. The top half of the building was a stack of burgers that were atop a throne of BBQ ribs. A big white sign with a happy cow was located to the right near the big golden "M" of "Mac Meaties", welcoming him towards meat heaven…</p>
<p>"MEAT!" GIR thought happily., running into the store with Zim following after him to get the can. He ran inside…</p>
<p>Germs EVERYWHERE!</p>
<p>A man with grayish hair and a brown outfit was tossing French fries into his mouth. Zim's micro goggles zoomed in on Mr. Fountain's mouth as he chewed the BBQ fries over and over. Gasping, Zim turned to the right and saw a women fiddling around with her baby…but to Zim, it was just one GIANT germ! And she was KISSING IT!</p>
<p>"HORROR…"</p>
<p>Then he noticed GIR. "GIR! The disinfectant! Where is it!?" He demanded, shaking GIR.</p>
<p>"I lost it." His robot said, reaching behind his back and pulling out a large burger dripping with sauce. "Wanna bite?" He asked innocently.</p>
<p>Zim yelped and ducked underneath a table…then actually got a good LOOK at the burger.</p>
<p>"Wait a minute…" He whispered, approaching it. "There are no germs on this thing!" He realized, opening up the top bun and scanning it with his goggles. Yes…it was true! It was completely germ-free!</p>
<p>A red-haired, glasses-wearing man who was talking with a fat, glasses-wearing, long and brown-haired man were going over some storyboards.</p>
<p>"Can you BELIEVE they didn't see the "Bloody GIR" we slipped in?" Jhonen asked.</p>
<p>"Hard to believe they didn't catch it…"</p>
<p>Zim jumped on top of their table and grabbed Jhonen's burger, looking into it. "How can this BE?!" He wondered. Leaping across the restaurant, he headed for the cash register and pointed directly at the old man working it, who had the name tag "Burgerlord" on him.</p>
<p>"You! Burgerlord! How is it that this meat is so pure, so perfect?" He demanded.</p>
<p>The man scratched his chin. "Well y'see, it all started back in '62…" He explained. "Utilizing advances in modern food synthesis, scientists at NASA began work on a germ hostile <em><strong>space meat</strong></em> to be used into long expeditions in <em><strong>deep space</strong></em>! Only recently has their hard work paid off, as even more advances in the field of <em><strong>space meat</strong></em> have been made and applied to what is now known as "OPERATION: MEAT"! Seeing this as a way to end their streak of being sued by angry costumers poisoned by their burgers, the Mac Meaties Corporation decided to try this miraculous <em><strong>space meat</strong></em>!"</p>
<p>The old man shrugged. "Not having access to that technology…we make ours out of napkins." He said, motioning to a trash bin full of used napkins.</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his chin. Hmm…these humans were smarter than he gave them credit for!</p>
<p>"<em>Ingenious</em>." He hissed. "This gives me an idea, greasy burger man. Yes! A way around the germs! A way I can resume my mission and deal with the germ enemy without bringing any attention to myself!" He crowed, catching EVERYONE'S attention.</p>
<p>"Yes, yes! The answer is in the meat!" He grabbed Burgerlord and held up a wad of cash left over from his very long "walk" some time ago. "Give me all the meat!" He shouted.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…it was another day of school. Ms. Bitters was ensuring everyone was sitting in their seat and was looking down on Chunky.</p>
<p>"And FURTHERMORE, all of you will eventually-"</p>
<p>"How ya doin'!" Zim said cheerfully as he entered the room. He had pork loins on his feet, ribs around his waist, sloughy meat sauce covering his back, burgers covering his buns and hotdog slices wrapped around his eyes like goggles.</p>
<p>They all blinked.</p>
<p>"…FREAK." Zita muttered.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>The reference regarding the amount of alien species that have tried to take over Earth comes from a certain manga. Brownie points if you guess which one! Also the whole "People with low-level jobs" refers to the eighteen bamillion sci-fi films that revolve around average schmucks who somehow manage to save the world though usually they have a hard enough time trying to drive stick, let alone figuring out how to operate a complex death ray that will fry all the aliens.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>By the way, be sure to review! It's going to be a little while before I post my next chapter up. I'm currently in the works of a "special" for this current season.</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Dark Harvest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>
    <em>I'm Invader Zim. I'm gonna take over your planet. And when Dib says "No" I say "WHATEVER!"</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>DARK HARVEST</strong>
  </p>
  <p>"For the last time, I am more like a mighty force of Karma, NOT God!" Nick mumbled, slurping on his Icee, trying not to lose his temper. He hated having to explain it over and over to Dib and Gaz.</p>
  <p>"So you're not our god. Whatever." Gaz muttered.</p>
  <p>"Yeah, no offense, but your "god" is kind of an a-hole." Nick said, mumbling. "As a "Narrator" and "Guide", I will ultimately guide you to your destinies, that's what I do."</p>
  <p>"So we have no free will?" Dib asked.</p>
  <p>"No, you can do whatever the heck you want. Just think of me as "Old Testament Karma". I can be your best friend or your worst enemy!...as for your GOD, I've got…" His eyes narrowed. "Business…with him. He had a bike gang run me over! I've still got the TIRE MARKS, man! LOOK!"</p>
  <p>
    <strong>BRIEF DRAMATIC AID: Dramatic Music!</strong>
  </p>
  <p>He lifted his shirt off from the back, showing off tire marks.</p>
  <p>"EECH." Gaz said, looking disgusted.</p>
  <p>"YECH." Dib muttered.</p>
  <p>Nick put the shirt back on. "Now remember Dib, try and be NICE to Zim, or you'll reap the whirlwind." He insisted, getting up. "Oh, Zim's due for some karma in a few seconds…see ya." He told them, walking off to disappear behind a tree…naturally nobody noticed. After all, it was recess.</p>
  <p>And Zim was laughing at a kid who'd been pelted by a dodgeball. "HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! <em>Inferior</em> human organs!"</p>
  <p>TWHONK! Down he went!</p>
  <p>"<strong>My squeedly spooch!</strong>" He cried out.</p>
  <p>Gaz wasn't really paying attention to Zim OR to her brother, who would this sudden outburst from Zim to be quite interesting. "Squeedly spooch? Did you hear that, Gaz? That's no human organ! Humans don't have squeedly spooches!"</p>
  <p>"I'VE got a squeedly spooch." Gaz muttered, rolling her eyes. She wished he'd <span>shut up</span>.</p>
  <p>"If only I had some way of looking inside his body." Dib mused, rubbing his chin.</p>
  <p>Luckily Dib had thought ahead. He'd been planning something for a long time and his plan was about to bear fruit. Pulling up to the school in a white van, a delivery man holding a package and an electronic signature pad walked to the recess area.</p>
  <p>"I'm looking for a…" He looked down at the signature pad. "Dibbun Membrane?"</p>
  <p>"That's me, Dib!" Dib said, waving his hand in the air and going over to the delivery man, signing off for the package. Soon he held it's contents up with pride…</p>
  <p>"It's my personal x-scope!" He said happily to Gaz. "I ordered it from the back of "Crop Circles" magazine!"</p>
  <p>Gaz stopped playing for a moment, paused the game, and gave him a look. "You had it delivered to SCHOOL?"</p>
  <p>"<strong>Anything</strong> for <strong>SCIENCE</strong>!" Dib exclaimed, looking in Zim's direction. The alien was TRYING to get involved in the game, mostly so HE could throw the ball and hit somebody.</p>
  <p>"Hey! Throw it over here you filthy stinking friend!" He yelled at Keef.</p>
  <p>After a brief flash of light, Dib's x-scope showed an x-ray view of Zim…and his organs were WEIRD. There was something like a heart, yes, and a brain, but beyond that everything was…squished together into one SUPERORGAN! As Zim continued to try and get the ball thrown to him, Dib took the glasses off.</p>
  <p>" Incredible! See Gaz?" He asked his sister. "To defeat my enemy, I must <span>study</span> my enemy, then <span>become</span> my enemy, then move <span>in</span> with my enemy, then where my enemy's clothes, then-"</p>
  <p>"You're in my light." Gaz muttered, whacking him across the face. He fell to the ground with a groan. Zim was sadly pelted again and went down with another cry of "MY SQUEEDLY SPOOCH".</p>
  <p>...</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>… "So you see, ring around the rosy refers to the horrible symptoms of a terrifying disease!" Ms. Bitters hissed, pointing at the chalkboard as she discussed the bubonic plague. Zim was busy thinking of ways in which he could spread rats around the city…even if humans weren't susceptible to the plague anymore, he knew they still hated rats.</p>
  <p>Then a pidgeon flew onto his head, sat there, and cooed. He blinked, looking upwards.</p>
  <p>"ZIM!" Ms. Bitters snapped. "There's a pigeon on your head! You've got head pigeons! Get to the nurse before they spread to the other children!"</p>
  <p>"Yes, Ms. Bitters!" Zim said. He was about to make for the door when…</p>
  <p>"No leaving the class without a hall pass, Zim!" She added.</p>
  <p>"Right, right, of course." Zim muttered, going to Ms. Bitters desk and taking out a metal ring with two blinking lights.</p>
  <p>"If you leave skool grounds, it will explode." Ms. Bitters remarked calmly as she placed the Battle-Royale-style hall pass around his neck.</p>
  <p>Dib grinned evilly over at Zim and spoke in a "matter of fact" way. "You know Zim, when the nurse examines you, she'll notice that you don't have human organs. Then its just a short step to a hospital and from there to an alien autopsy table, and then your just another segment on Mysterious Mysteries!" He remarked.</p>
  <p>Zim smirked. "I'll be <em>fine</em>. I bet my squeedly spooch on it!" He insisted.</p>
  <p>Zim walked out of the class. He headed into a curved room that led out to many different hallways. He noticed a Biology class was in session and approached it, seeing Mr. Nick was trying to explain the human body structure.</p>
  <p>"And so THAT, kids, is how your food goes from here…to HERE." Nick said, pointing downward. "And now it's time to talk about…um…IT…"</p>
  <p>"It?"</p>
  <p>"…er…hitting skins…" Nick mumbled.</p>
  <p>"Skins?"</p>
  <p>"Knocking…boots?" He tried.</p>
  <p>Dumb blinking.</p>
  <p>"Bumping uglies?" He asked desperately.</p>
  <p>"…?"</p>
  <p>"Doing the nasty?" He was runnin' outta metaphors.</p>
  <p>No reply.</p>
  <p>"Er…INTERCOURSE."</p>
  <p>"Huh?"</p>
  <p>"…SEX." Nick moaned, rolling his eyes. "I'm talking about Sex…"</p>
  <p>It was at that moment that the orange-haired, sash-wearing hall monitor approached Zim. There was a headpiece he was wearing over his eye that had crosshair upon it and a large tool belt.</p>
  <p>"Hey, where's your hall pass?" He asked.</p>
  <p>Zim showed his neck off, then got an idea. A very SICK idea.</p>
  <p>"Say, you're full of human organs aren't you?" Zim inquired.</p>
  <p>"Why yes. Yes I am." The human admitted.</p>
  <p>"And you wouldn't notice if you were... say, missing a few?" Zim inquired, tapping his claws together in thought.</p>
  <p>The hall monitor put a finger to his lip. "Eh, probably not…"</p>
  <p>Zim started to laugh maniacally…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>… "And then the rats came for them, thousands of them. Dirty, dirty, rats!" Ms. Bitters hissed, going on about the Plague.</p>
  <p>Dib was busy skethching a touching little picture of Zim strapped to a table with his innards spewing out of his open chest as a nurse screamed over and over. Giggling evilly to himself, Dib then glanced over to Zim's seat, which was still empty.</p>
  <p>"And these weren't the <span>cuddly</span> kind of rats you get in today's sewers!" Ms. Bitters went on.</p>
  <p>Dib had an idea. He snapped his pencil in half and jammed it into his nose.</p>
  <p>"Ms. Bitters, I think a pencil is lodged in my brain. Can I go to the nurse?" He asked, raising his hand.</p>
  <p>"Just how far in your brain?" She asked, eyes narrowing.</p>
  <p>He looked down at his nose. "Preeetty far!"</p>
  <p>"Alright, take the auxiliary hall pass!" Ms. Bitters said, pointing at an old radiator that had "Hall Pass" spray-painted on it.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>..it didn't take long for him to arrive at the Nurse's office, even though he had to lug the radiator all the way. Adjusting his x-scope, Dib looked around the nurse's office. The secretary was playing with a can that makes a 'moo' sound whenever it was tilted, obviously bored.</p>
  <p>"I'm looking for the pigeon head kid." Dib announced to her.</p>
  <p>"Nobody's come in with head pigeons, young man."</p>
  <p>"You sure? What about the green kid? Zim?" He asked, looking confused.</p>
  <p>"Oh, the green child! He's right over there doubled over in pain!" She said cheerfully, pointing at a bench.</p>
  <p>The Hall Monitor had head pigeons AND was doubled over in pain, moaning horribly. "The cooing! The cooing!" He shouted, his skin visibly green with sickness.</p>
  <p>"He's missing his liver. That's how some kids react to the cafeteria food. The <em><span>lucky</span></em> ones." The secretary explained.</p>
  <p>Frowning, Dib pulled the x-scope over his eyes, and an x-ray view of the hall monitor revealed…YES! His liver had been replaced with the hall pass Zim had had!</p>
  <p>Eyes going wide, Dib clenched his fist. "It's Zim! It has to be! He's stealing organs and replacing them with... <strong>stuff</strong>! He must be stopped! The Narrator has GOTTA help me!"</p>
  <p>BANG!</p>
  <p>A vent shaft was knocked open from the inside and a mechanical hand reached downward and handed Dib a letter. He took it and looked it over.</p>
  <p>"Fainted while trying to explain sex to my biology class, got concussion, am now in hospital. Don't worry, none of you guys are going to die! Jhonen made you all VERY tough. Sorry I can't help.</p>
  <p>PS: Don't forget your hall pass.</p>
  <p>Sincerely, Nick.</p>
  <p>P<strong>P</strong>S: This message will self-destruct."</p>
  <p>POOM!</p>
  <p>It blew up in his face. Blinking his eyes, his face covered with blackness, Dib shook the dust off and pushed the hall pass along, not noticing ANOTHER part of the vent shaft was opening, as a clear bowl was being lowered over the secretary's head…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…"Must... warn... others..." Dib groaned as he tugged the hall pass along. Then he heard something that stopped him in his tracks.</p>
  <p>"Coo-coo! Coo-coo!"</p>
  <p>HEAD PIGEON!</p>
  <p>"Zim? Zim? Do not show fear!" He told himself, looking resolute as he stood proudly. "HA! THIS is me without fear... <em>and a 62 pound hall pass</em>…" He added, groaning. How was he supposed to warn everybody if he had a 62 pound hall pass! It was taking too long-</p>
  <p>BRIIIIING!</p>
  <p>Out they came for lunch! The masses pushed and slammed into him, unknowingly saving him from danger.</p>
  <p>Dib held his hand aloft, trying to stop them. "HEY! Wait! Your organs are in danger!" He cried out, rushing after the crowd…</p>
  <p>SWCHOOOP!</p>
  <p>He turned around and saw his hall pass was gone…</p>
  <p>Well, not exactly. Spoo had had it STUCK inside his body.</p>
  <p>"I don't feel so good!" He moaned, falling on his side to the ground.</p>
  <p>"The hall pass! You <strong>FIEND!</strong>" He shouted, shaking his fist in the air, cursing Zim.</p>
  <p>Our hero ran into the cafeteria where ALL of the students seemed to be affected. Bulging bodies, groans of pain, people colliding with each other</p>
  <p>"<span>Look at them!</span>" Dib said, eyes wide with horror. "And it's not even ketchup and rice day!" He exclaimed, grabbing the sides of his head.</p>
  <p>Then he saw her.</p>
  <p>"Gaz!" He yelled, rushing over to her. She was POKING herself near her stomach…he DIDN'T!</p>
  <p>"Don't bother me, Dib. I'm in the zone." She mumbled.</p>
  <p>He put on his x-scope to check and…</p>
  <p>Yep. He had. Game Slave where her stomach ought to have been. Dib gasped and looked around the cafeteria, looking at Melvin, Gretchen, and Tae…one had a ruler, one had a remote control, one had an alarm clock!</p>
  <p>Carl had a cartoon of milk!</p>
  <p>Penny had a CAT! A LIVE CAT!</p>
  <p>"MEOW." Her Cat-Kidney remarked.</p>
  <p>Then he saw him. ZIM. Sitting on a bench, STUFFED full of organs, pigeon still on his head with a small intestine sticking out of his mouth. It was DISGUSTING.</p>
  <p>"That's it, Zim! <em><strong>This has to stop!</strong></em>" Dib snarled, jabbing a finger in Zim's face.</p>
  <p>"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about." Zim said innocently, smirking.</p>
  <p>"LOOK at you! You've gone too far! You're a hideous blob of stolen organs!" Dib growled, tearing at his hair.</p>
  <p>"Nonsense! I've been working out!" Zim liked, rolling his eyes.</p>
  <p>Then the intestine popped out of Zim's mouth and spread out along the floor. Dib tried not to puke as Zim slurped it back into his mouth</p>
  <p>"You…URP…ACTUALLY think you can fool a trained medical professional?</p>
  <p>"Yes. Yes I do."</p>
  <p>"I suppose you've got a heart in there." Dib wondered, tilting his head to the side slightly.</p>
  <p>"Including my own, 6 of them!" Zim responded.</p>
  <p>"Intestine?"</p>
  <p>"Large or small?"</p>
  <p>"<em>Spleen</em>?"</p>
  <p>"In 3 different designer colors!" Zim laughed.</p>
  <p>"What about lungs?" Dib asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
  <p>"<span>Hmmmmmm</span>…" Zim put a finger to his chin. Realizing he didn't have any, his arachnid-like robot legs unfolded from his backpack and lifted him up into the ventilation shaft.</p>
  <p>"Oh no you don't!" Dib howled, shaking his fist. "You won't find lungs on <span>my</span> watch, Zim!"</p>
  <p>Turning his head, he saw Torque Smacky was…NOT green, eating well, and lifting weights! Healthy!</p>
  <p>"You! You look like you still have all your organs!" Dib proclaimed, rushing to him.</p>
  <p>Torque felt his chest, then looked at Dib like he was retarded.</p>
  <p>"Yeah, so?"</p>
  <p>"You're in danger! Come with me!" Dib insisted.</p>
  <p>"Look DORK, I gotta go lift things!" Torque snapped.</p>
  <p>Dib put a finger to his lip. "Um, then I'll come with you!"</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>… "And he wants to DESTROY US ALLLL! Now I know you think I'm crazy, but you'll thank me. <strong>YOU'LL ALL THANK ME!</strong>" Dib insisted as he continued to walk alongside Torque, who rolled his eyes. "I know what I'm talking about! Aliens are kind of a hobby of mine Well, more of a way of life really."</p>
  <p>"Man, you're creepin' me out!" Torque muttered.</p>
  <p>DA-DUM! A grill from the vent shaft was pulled off as the coo of a pigeon was heard…</p>
  <p>A grill on the ventilation shaft is pulled off by an arachnid robot arm from Zim's utility pack as cooing from the head pigeon is heard.</p>
  <p>"I have vague memories of being taken on board of an alien ship as a baby…" Dib went on, looking around the hallway and NOT at Torque. Therefore he wasn't able to stop Torque from being snatched up by one of Zim's mechanical limbs.</p>
  <p>"And I'm not sure but I think they were doing tests on me. Trying to create some sort of genius super baby, perhaps!"</p>
  <p>Dib then he stopped…and saw a flash of light coming from the classroom. A familiar, organ-replacing sound was heard…</p>
  <p>"Torque? Torque Smacky, is that you?" Dib called out, rushing inside.</p>
  <p>He flipped the light switch and a dull light went on as he he walked through the biology classroom, past tubes containing strange things…</p>
  <p>"Come on, man! Talk to me! Let me know you're still here!" Dib called out.</p>
  <p>Dib continued to walk by some more strange organs, including some eyeballs, a liver with wings, and what looked like a dead, pink bunny with sunken eyes. He headed past an x-ray…</p>
  <p>And then a barbell rolled out from a nearby corner…and Dib heard a pigeon cooing.</p>
  <p>"Torque Smacky!" He wailed, holding his clenched fist to his chest.</p>
  <p>The light switch came off with a TWHOMP as the cooing of the pigeon was heard. Dib felt a nameless terror grip him as he stumpled around the class, trying to escape.</p>
  <p>"Noooo!" He screamed, backing up into some barrels of toxic waste and running for his life. "No-no-noooo!" He knocked down stuffed birds, tripped over a pile of paperwork and scrambled for the exit, sweat pouring from his brow as he bolted out of the room…but then he saw Zim…Zim in the doorway!</p>
  <p>Zim grinned. A light flashed…</p>
  <p>Zim was the gone, but the door was shut. Screaming, Dib hurled himself down the hallway as ceiling tiles fell down from above him as Zim came closer and closer. Reaching a dead end, Dib turned around, slid down a rail and continued to run as the cooing of the pigeon got closer and closer. Covering his ears to drown the horrid, MOCKING sound out of his eyes, Dib ran into the boiler room, down a spiral staircase, panting as the steam rose up higher and higher. He ran across a grated catwalk and looked around.</p>
  <p>Had he done it? Had he escaped?</p>
  <p>He turned around and bumped into Zim, who grinned evilly down at him as a clear bowl lowere down, suspended by a mechanical arm. Feathers fell around him…</p>
  <p>
    <em>
      <strong>"NOOOOOOO-!" </strong>
    </em>
  </p>
  <p>FWOOOM!</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…Zim and Dib sat together in the nursing office. Dib was crossing his arms, a hateful glare on his face to rival Zim's smug look. There was a thermometer in each of their mouths. Ms. Bitters stood in the doorway, looking irritated at the nurse.</p>
  <p>Dib "mooed". He'd had the can that the secretary had before stuffed into him to replace his lungs. Now his tone was unmistakably bovine.</p>
  <p>"That one has head pigeons. The other one is just annoying. Fix it!" Ms. Bitters snarled at the nurse.</p>
  <p>"Your stupid plan won't work, Zim-MOOOO!" Dib got out. "You'll NEVER pull this-MOOOOO! OFF!"</p>
  <p>"You speak craziness, Earth boy! More organs means more human! It <em>will</em> work!" Zim insisted.</p>
  <p>Dib turned his head and noticed Nick was lying on a stretcher. "What the MOOOOO are you doing here?"</p>
  <p>"I got no insurance, so…" Nick shrugged as he held an icepack to his bloody head. He pulled it away to reveal his <strong>skull</strong> was showing and somebody had written "KILROY WAS HERE" on the big white cranium. "Does it look bad?"</p>
  <p>"…no, looks <em>great</em>." Zim sniggered.</p>
  <p>The nurse smiled and walked up to Zim, pushing the head pigeon off with her hand so it flew away. Checking the thermometer, she smiled.</p>
  <p>"THERE! Why you're one of the healthiest little children I've ever seen! And such plentiful organs!" She added.</p>
  <p>Zim grinned triumphantly as the nurse took the thermometer from Dib's mouth. "And what's the matter with you, young man?" She asked, holding a stethoscope up to his chest and hearing the sound of the "moo can".</p>
  <p>She screamed and jumped back, pointing at him like he had the plague.</p>
  <p>"It isn't human! It's <span>horrible!</span>" She screamed.</p>
  <p>Dib pointed at Zim, looking mortified. "But HE…HE…" He muttered.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…it wasn't long before the newspapers got wind of the story. The main headline for the next day's top story was "Hideous Mooing Cyborg Boy Found!", with a picture of a half-Dib, half-cow-beast on the cover. Gaz smiled to herself as she put the newspaper under her arm and headed back inside the house to get some early-morning soda for her empty stomach.</p>
  <p>
    <strong>Author's Note: Four more chapters until Season TWO begins for "Invader Zim", the series! I plan to end this season with a special, fan-made episode which I hope you'll enjoy. For now though, please feel free to review! I REALLY enjoy reviews. </strong>
  </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Attack of the Saucer Morons</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Science! Has Failed! Our World! Science...has failed our Mother Eaaaaarth!</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>ATTACK OF THE SAUCER MORONS</strong>
</p><p>Nick crossed his arms, turning away. "No way. Uh-uh. You're a pessimistic cynical comic book creator who thought your world into being and then abandoned it! It falls upon certain people with enough imaginative strength to enter worlds that have been "abandoned", worlds that "need new life breathed into them" and that includes me. I won't fail!"</p><p>"I'm telling you, it's a PIPE DREAM. It'll never happen!" The red-haired, glasses-wearing man insisted, frowning at him. "You CAN'T look out for them AND stay happy! LOOK…AT…ME." He pointed at his face. "I'M your future!"</p><p>Meanwhile, Zim was on the communicator with a white-eyed invader…Invader Darth. The invader was crossing his arms, frowning at him.</p><p>"It's NOT worth it, taking over a world." He insisted. "I would know…after you've become an invader, what's left? You should just stay there on Earth and try and find something LIKABLE about the planet!...I wish I'D done it on Modius…I had a good chance…" He said sadly. "Don't you get it, Zim?"</p><p>Zim frowned. "Shut up…I am NOT anything like you!"</p><p>"LET THE DREAM DIE!" Darth growled. "Let it DIE! Let it <em>diiiiieeee</em>!"</p><p>"You LIIIIE!" Zim howled, shutting the communication screen off.</p><p>"CYNIC!" Nick shouted, kicking Mr. Vasquez in the shin and running off. The man howled and held onto his shin, groaning in pain as he bounded up and down.</p><p>Eventually he settled down and turns to face you. Yes, YOU.</p><p>"Most psychologists agree that there are 5 stages when it comes to dealing with grief. The first stage is ANGER…"</p><p>"FRICKIN' assbag!" Nick snarled, walking down the sidewalk, thunderstorms gathering in the air above him. "Tell ME what to do? He's a friggin' starving artist who's greatest contribution to society was making a comic book about a SERIAL KILLER!" He hissed. "CYNICAL, STINKING…"</p><p><em>"The SECOND stage is DENIAL."<br/></em><br/>"The Tallest know what they were doing when they sent me here! I'm GOING to take over this world and I'm going to RUUUULE!" Zim hissed eagerly, laughing madly. "I'll show that fool! He lied…he LIED!"</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…It was night and Zim was doing observations of Earth's current defense. As Officer Barbradry drove down the road, he saw two lights up ahead, shining…and approaching him! Frowning, he changed langes…</p><p>So did the lights! He changed lanes again…the lights did the same thing! Shielding his face with his arm, the man prepared to die but then the lights vanished, swerving over his car…</p><p>These lights were none other than the lights of Zim's Voot Runner! Seeing the spaceship, Officer Barbradry cried out and swerved his car in surprise…hitting a hot dog shop that looked like a gigantic hot dog, complete with steaming bun and big thick weiner. As hot dogs splattered against against the car and the cop staggered out of the car as his air bag activated, Zim's ship circled above to get a better look, holding a tape recorder to his mouth.</p><p>"Human law enforcement machine. Markings, lightly flashy things on top. Defensive capability, minimum…" He mumbled.</p><p>KABOOOOOM! The car suddenly exploded, sending the man flying across the street and into an alley as the hot dogs, all fried up, hit the Voot's windshield and then slowly slid off. Zim rolled his eyes.</p><p>"Explodes on impact with giant weenie. Evaluation…<em>pathetic</em>!" He grinned evilly. "Pathetic Earth vehicle! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!" He laughed maniacally.</p><p>Then a light on the voot runner control panel flashed, stopping him in mid-laugh.</p><p>"Warning? How could that be? Nothing threatens an Irken voot runner!" Zim snapped, looking incredulous.</p><p>In response to Zim's little "testing", Nick had used the force of karma and was sending some old-fashioned payback. Specifically, something he KNEW Zim hated…a BEE.</p><p>"Computer, run a diagnostic. You've gone crazy!" Zim ordered his ship's computer.</p><p>Then he saw the bee flying right at him and screamed. "OH NO-"</p><p>BA-WHOOOOOM!</p><p>The "superior Irken technology" began to veer out of control, the ship alight with flames. As it spiraled through the air, flying over the city, Zim looked out the windshield and saw…the bee was still THERE, looking right AT him angrily. Gasping, Zim pressed the eject button on the control panel over and over, sweat pouring down his brow.</p><p>"Eject! Eject!" He screamed.</p><p>KATHWOOOOM!</p><p>His ship collided with the earth of the city's park. Groaning, Zim picked himself up…</p><p>"EJECT COMMAND INITIATED." His computer spoke.</p><p>The windshield popped off and Zim was forcibly shot out of the ship. Skidding along the ground, the Irken groaned as the bee popped off his head and then flew away, still alive. Groaning, Zim stood up, spitting dirt out of his mouth as he rubbed his eyes as his legs creaked. Standing up, he frowned angrily at the crashed, incapacitated piece of crap that was his ship.</p><p>He skids along the ground, with the bee stuck on his forehead. The bee pops off and hovers around Zim's head. Zim opens one eye and watches as the bee flies away. Zim gets up and spits dirt out of his mouth. He groans and his legs creek as he gets up.</p><p>"Ruined. Ruined! Irken engineering reduced to…this!" Zim muttered angrily as the flames rose higher and higher into the air from his poor ship. "Surely that was no HUMAN bee! Ooh, once I take care of those humans, I will begin my war against…" He curled his claws, snarling. "The BEES."</p><p>His communicator extended from his utility PAK and he barked an order into it. "GIR, respond! I need you to send out a tow vehicle to pick up the voot runner!"</p><p>Static. Lots of it.</p><p>"Hello? GIR? Hello?! GIR, where ARE you?!" He wondered.</p><p>GIR, meanwhile, was getting his funk and crunk on as he danced around in a club, techno music blaring. He shook his body rhythmically as several girls giggled.</p><p>"What a DOG." One said.</p><p>"He's so AMAZING!"</p><p>"Inappropriate sexual euphemism related to words centered around dogs!"</p><p>Er, let's go back to Zim, who was sighing. "Must be some interference." He mumbled as the communicator retracted back into the PAK. "Oh well. This place seems fairly deserted and well hidden. I should be able to return with the tow vehicle, pick the cruiser up and go. And when the repairs are done... <strong>I shall hunt down that evil death bee!</strong>" He swore, shaking his fist at the sky.</p><p>Zim walked back towards the city, heading for his house…not seeing that a creepy man with pale skin and frizzy/poofy hair with slightly buged-out eyes by the name of Desmond Flapp watched him from behind a tree, atop a ladder. Above him a banner hung from in between 2 trees that reads "UFO convention next week."</p><p>"An alieeeeen!" He cried out once Zim was out of earshot, holding up a can of spray paint and painting "Today" over the words "Next Week"…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>… Zim was having his Voot Cruiser Carrier brought out from the ceiling. A hovering disk floated down, with a bubble-like covering closed over the top.</p><p>"Hmmm. Computer, disguise the carrier. Something less conspicuous." Zim ordered.</p><p>" Processing, PROCESSING!" His computer said. A few moments later…</p><p>TWHOOM! It had turned into a floating pig.</p><p>"Why am I so amazing?" Zim asked happily, smiling broadly. It was PERFECT!</p><p>Morning came. Wearing his "old man" disguise and using a remote control shaped like a leash on the floating pig behind him, Zim walked down the park's sidewalk, heading for where he'd left his ship.</p><p>"This should be a standard recovery operation, pig. We move in, we load the voot runner into you and we're out of there. The humans will be none the wiser." Zim explained to the carrier, even though it obviously couldn't respond.</p><p>
  <em>The truth was, Zim just liked talking to himself!</em>
</p><p>"HEY!" Zim snapped.</p><p>
  <em>Oh frack, I said the out loud thing in my head and the in my head thing out loud! Sorry!</em>
</p><p>"HUMANS…" Zim groaned, rolling his eyes…</p><p>Then they widened when he saw his ship was on a big pedestal and SURROUNDED by a large crowd of people!</p><p>"My ship! In the hands of the enemy! How!? How? Who knows what defenses they could devise through reverse engineering!" He hissed, eyes wide with horror.</p><p>Zim quickly moved the pig between some trees and tied it there.</p><p>" Stay here, pig. I'll call you in as soon as I can get close enough to the voot runner!" He whispered, running to the crowd and pushing his way through the masses. "What is the MEANING of this?! Who ARE you people? And…" He stopped, blinking. "What is that…THING…on your head?" He asked, who had a model UFO on as a hat. Rolling his eyes, Zim pushed him out of the way and went up to the voot runner…</p><p>Or was ABOUT to when a large, brown-haired woman named Trudy stood in his way. "Hold it! We are the children of the bright and shinning saucer! We have claimed this down alien love ship and want to share it with all humanity! But humanity must prove itself worthy!" She proclaimed, spreading her arms wide.</p><p>Zim's eyes narrowed. No friggin' WAY.</p><p>"Love ship? But that's my... my..." He began.</p><p>Trudy folded her arms, tilting her head to the side. "Your what?"</p><p>"Er…" Zim thought fast. "My dream! I dream of becoming worthy to get close to the…love ship." He said, speaking the words like they were poison to him.</p><p>"Wonderful! Our leader is conducting an initiation right now! Starchunk!" She yelled out, raising a hand up. Zim frowned.</p><p>"<strong>Initiation</strong>?!" He asked, eyebrow raised. "<em>Fools</em>! There is none so worthy as Zim! You've no idea what powers you are dealing with! No idea at-"</p><p>THWHOOMP! A large man picked him up and tucked Zim under his arm, bringing him to a tent on a nearby hill…</p><p>SOME TIME LATER…</p><p>"…oh GOD…my EYES…" Zim moaned.</p><p>"And now, the final initiation!" Desmond Flapp said happily.</p><p>TWHORP!</p><p>"OWIE!"</p><p>SCWOOP! SCHWOOMP! FUDDA-FUDDA-WOOOOMM!</p><p>Zim began to squeal like the pig he'd tied up to a tree and stumbled out of the hill, wearing a saucer hat and VERY disoriented. He soon made his way back to where the crowd was and saw…</p><p>His pig was on a pedestal nearby.</p><p>"My recovery vehicle!" He gasped.</p><p>"We've just found a number of alien artifacts near the sight. Truly this is a sign!" Trudy said, sweeping her arm to the right at some other pedestals that held a blender, an old boot, and a spooky-looking Chihuahua…the same one from-</p><p>"EEEK!" Zim screamed, holding his hands to his face as it looked at him. "Not HIM again!" He hissed.</p><p>Desmond Flapp stood before the pig, rubbing his chin. "It appears to be some form of symbolic greeting! The pig form perhaps represents mankind's pig-like affinity... for... exploration!" He guessed.</p><p>Zim glared at this idiot and saw Trudy was fiddling with the carrier's remote controls. She pressed a button and the pig's mouth opened, biting down on a man who was standing in front of it.</p><p>"The pig accepts me!" He said happily.</p><p><em>"What is WRONG with these people?!" </em>Zim thought, walking forward. "Fools!" He shouted, pointing upward. "You have no possible idea what power you toy with!" He jumped up and grappled with Trudy, trying to pull the remote away from her. "RELEASE THE PIG!" He demanded.</p><p>Trudy was obviously stronger than him, and swung the control and Zim around in the air. "The PIG…BELONGS…to all mankind!" She yelled.</p><p>"That's no MAN-PIG!" He snapped. Using a defense move he remembered from the academy, he quickly shifted his weight and managed to flip the woman onto her back…by TRIPPING her.</p><p>"HEY!" She shouted as he jumped onto her stomach, hands on hips.</p><p>"HA! Victory for ZIM!" He shouted…not noticing that his hat, beard and one contact..</p><p>FWOP!</p><p>BOTH contacts…had fallen off.</p><p>The crowd gasped at him as Zim looked around, confused.</p><p>"What? What?" He asked.</p><p>""The alien! The one I told you I saw!" Desmond Flapp said, pointing with a finger.</p><p>"Hmmm? Where?" Zim asked, scratching the top of his head…and suddenly realizing his disguise was off !</p><p>"Don't come any closer! Don't try anything on me or I'll... I'll... I'll lay eggs in your stomach! I mean it!" He shouted desperately, holding up his hands. He jumped off of Trudy's stomach as the crowd came closer and closer…Zim gapsed in horror...he knew what they'd do to him eventually! They'd stick him in a tube! They'd operate on him! WITH SPORKS! And then they'd pull out his guts and-</p><p>He opened his eyes and saw everyone was…BOWING at him, going "alien, alien" over and over!</p><p>"We are your loving servants, oh wise one!" Desmond Flapp said happily.</p><p>"Stand away, you smell like feet! Leave me alone!" He shouted. He wasn't going to fall for any of their tricks!</p><p>"Fill us with your knowledge from beyond!" One pimply girl named Yoa asked. The crowd cheered and picked him up, carrying him over their heads. Quickly, Zim activated his communicator.</p><p>"GIR! GIR! Are you there, GIR!? Help me!" Zim cried into it.</p><p>Saying goodbye to Amy and his new girlfriends, GIR waved goodbye and sucked on his chocolate bubblegum SuckMunkey slushie. As Amy's car drove away, Gir's antenna suddenly popped out the top of his head and his robot head was revealed. A few moments later his antenna turned into a small satellite, projecting an image of Zim…in a lot of trouble.</p><p>"Hi!" GIR said cheerfully.</p><p>"GIR, finally! I need your help! I've been captured!" Zim begged.</p><p>"Yaaaay!" GIR cheered.</p><p>Zim slapped his face ."No, that's BAD GIR!"</p><p>"Yaaaay!"</p><p>Zim rolled his eyes. "I need you to listen very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very carefully!"</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…Zim sat atop a throne as the Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer of the CBSS all wtched him from inside a big tent. Zim raised a single hand up and they all gasped as he scratched his behind.</p><p>"Ooooooh!" They all said.</p><p>"<em>What's WRONG with these people? They're even more ridiculous than the humans I normally encounter…"</em> Zim wondered.</p><p><em>They're a CULT, Zim. </em>The narrator calmly explained. <em>They're SAUCER MORONS.</em></p><p>"<em>Cult?"</em></p><p>
  <em>It's LIKE religion, but with some big differences. The biggest is that nowadays cults are like how religions used to be…dangerous, popping up everywhere and STUPID.</em>
</p><p>Desmond Flapp smiled happily, clasping his hands together. "You are the one we've been waiting for! The one foretold in the prophesies, told by…" He pointed into the crowd at a brown-haired man. "Frank!"</p><p>Frank Contiff nodded. "Yup, told ya he'd come!" He said happily.</p><p>A man named Boll held his foot up in the air. "Bless the corns on my toes!"</p><p>"Touch me, oh mighty one!"</p><p>"We're not WORTHY, we're not WORTHY!"</p><p><em>"…if not for the fact that they all smell awful, it would probably be nice to have this many people fawning over my every move." </em>Zim thought wistfully.</p><p>Suddenly a strange-looking man with sunglasses, a black suit and black hair entered the room. If anybody had half a brain they would have realized he was mechanical.</p><p>"Excuse me, there has been a mistake!" The man announced.</p><p>Zim smirked. <em>"Yes…FINALLY! C'mon, GIR…come on…"</em></p><p>"Who are you!?" Desmond Flapp demanded to know.</p><p>"I am government man, come from the government, the government has sent me!" The "Man in Black" said. In reality, GIR was operating him from inside, pulling many levers with a microphone up to his head. He walked up to Zim and patted him on the head. "Ho-ho-ho! This is NOT an alien life form! This is an experimental government aircraft!"</p><p>He was PETTING him! Zim ground his teeth. How...EMBARASSING!</p><p>"He's an AIRCRAFT?!" Desmond Flapp asked, incredulous.</p><p>"FOOLS! What ELSE would I be?" Zim snapped. "And a VERY advanced one!"</p><p>"What about that floatin' pig out there?" Trudy inquired.</p><p>"It belongs to the government too!" The fake agent said, tucking Zim under his arm. "Well, I have to take everything back to the home base now. Buh bye."</p><p>Zim and the "government man" wlaked outside of the tent. As Zim approached the pig, Desmond Flapp, Trudy and Boll walked out after them</p><p>"Excuse me! How do we know he's really a government air craft? And how do we know you're really with the government?" Desmond Flapp demanded to know of the "government man" as Zim grabbed the remote control for the pig, pressed it, and turned the pig back into the floating disc it had once been. It slid beneath the Voot runner, then became a pig once more, with the ship inside of it. As Zim hopped on top, two handlebars appearing from an opening on the back, Boll spoke up.</p><p>"He's still gotta bless my toes!"</p><p>"And why should we let YOU take our discovery?" Desmond Flapp asked the government man.</p><p>"<em>I thought you said these people were STUPID."</em> Zim thought.</p><p>
  <em>PEOPLE were stupid. The leader usually isn't…uh oh…GIR, NO, DON'T…</em>
</p><p>GIR began to squeeze Desmond's face. "I WIKE you." He said cheerfully. Zim rolled his eyes and activated the pig, moving it forward…knocking into the "government man suit" GIR was in and the face fell off, revealing GIR's true form.</p><p>
  <em>Oh foo.</em>
</p><p>"IT'S A GOVERNMENT ANDROID!" Trudy shouted, pointing at GIR.</p><p>"He's trying to steal our alien!" Desmond Flapp yelled.</p><p>"GIR, quickly, ride the pig!" Zim ordered.</p><p>GIR flipped through the air, latching onto the back of Zim's head as the engine OINKED to life and Zim made the ship zoom off into the forest. The Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer chased after to no avail as Zim flew through the forest, laughing happily…until he saw the FENCE surrounding a PLAYGROUND that he was about to hit. GIR laughed madly as Zim gasped…</p><p>BOOM! They went through the fence, swerved around a swing set and Zim frowned at the sight of a VERY familiar baby that was in the sand box. Smirking coldly, he aimed the pig right for the baby…</p><p>THWOOP! A man with long brown hair and glasses named Steve grabbed the baby and rolled to the side. Zim tossed him an angry look before the pig soared out of the playground and over a lake…</p><p>OOPS! Zim accidentally shifted his weight wrong, and the pig turned over in the water. Spluttering madly as some floating seaweed struck his face, burning him, Zim tossed it off and re-righted the pig, looking in the rear-view mirror to see…</p><p>"How'd YOU get on?!" He shouted at Yoa, who tugged on him. She'd snuck onto the pig somehow!</p><p>"Please take me with you!" She begged.</p><p>"EEEE!" Screaming, Zim shoved her off and she flew into the lake with a cry of "Come Baaaaack". Zim let out a sigh of relief as the pig flew through the air. "Faster, my pig! FASTER!"</p><p>"WEEEEHOOOO!" GIR cried out in pure joy.</p><p>The pig zoomed up onto a road, swerved to miss some cars, then almost hit a bus. He passed by the many students…noticing Dib was looking at him incredulously, and thus stuck his tongue out before zooming past it, avoiding some more vehicles before he finally soared into the air, above the city.</p><p>"FINALLY!" Zim sighed. "We are safe, GIR! We're back on track!"</p><p><em>You tried…to HIT…a BABY…</em>The narrator's voice was growing loud like thunder. But Zim just smirked.</p><p>"HA! You can't do anything! Everything is going to be smooth sail-"</p><p>BZZZZ!</p><p>Payback's quite the female dog.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>KA-THWOOOOOM!<br/></strong>
  </em>
</p><p>The bee that had made the Voot Runner crash before collided with the pig's eye, making the socket burst. The whole pig was alight with flames and it careened down…down…down! GIR and Zim screamed as they clutched onto each other, GIR pulling on Zim's antennae and eyelids before they finally…</p><p>
  <strong>THWAAAAAM!<br/></strong>
</p><p>Crashed right through the roof of a big building. The pig landed right on a big wooden stage in front of a packed crowd of human witnesses sitting in the audience. Zim slowly and weakly stood up as the pig squealed and smoked.</p><p>"OOOH!" The audience went at the same time, mouths forming perfect "o's".</p><p>"<em>What</em>?!" Zim muttered, rubbing his eyes, not realizing where he was and who he was facing.</p><p>GIR squeaked as he stood up, looking around. Zim was facing the audience, so he could not see the banner above him that read "Alien Life: Fact or Fiction".</p><p>Then he DID turn around.</p><p>"…uh oh."</p><p>
  <strong>And so ends another episode! Don't forget to review!</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. The Wettening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <em>Take me to the river...drop me in the waaaater!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>THE WETTENING</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Mr. Elliot had caught the flu. Nick was therefore the substitute teacher for Gaz's class. Not that she minded. He was funny in a lot of ways. Today they were learning history.</p>
      <p>He'd brought a guitar with him…and had a cowboy hat on the desk.</p>
      <p>"Now the Iraq War was…GOD, I just…" He began snickering madly. "Sorry, when I think about it, I just…anyhow, although the war was declared "over" more than 5 years ago, it's still…" He brushed his hair back. "The only way to describe the situation best is through…a love song. You see kids…" Nick smiled. "Politics is struggle and debate, infighting, backstabbing, deal-making, abuse of power, character assassination and love often is too!"</p>
      <p>"Love IS politics without all the sex." The guidance counselor Mr. White said, walking by the doorway. Nick stuck his tongue out at him then faced the class again.</p>
      <p>"So this song imagines an encounter between George W Bush and the nation of Iraq in order to explain the way in a way you might get." Nick said, putting the cowboy hat on his head as he began to play.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Hey baby, you're lookin' so fine!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Can I buy you a drink, what's your sign?</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>"<em><strong>Mission Accomplished", that's MINE!</strong></em></p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I betcha can't waaaaait!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'll pull out…I'll pull out! Baby I promiiiiiiiiiise!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I don't care if you've been with my dad!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Or how many INSPECTORS you've had!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I love you best when you're bad,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>You're in a rouge staaaate!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'll pull out…I'll pull out! Baby I promiiiiiiiise!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Just to spend one night on your mattress-side…commit fratriciiiiide!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I know that you want me inside…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I know how to keep you OCCUPIED…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Hey baby, when have I lied?</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'll give it to ya straight…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'll pull out…I'll pull out!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Baby I promiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiissss-Woops, too late!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Nick put the guitar down as the class began to snicker amongst themselves.</p>
      <p>"Hey…I just realized something!" Gaz said, speaking out loud. "Unlike that administration…the SONG had an exit strategy!"</p>
      <p>Everyone ROARED with laughter.</p>
      <p>It was Wednesday the 7th of October. The classroom of Ms. Bitters was COVERED in globs of paste that were dripping everywhere. It sloughed down the walls, dripped down from the ceiling, some kids were COVERED in the stuff and…well…</p>
      <p>Keef blinked. He had been glued to the ceiling somehow. Lizard Boy was stuck to Brian's desk and Aki had accidentally stuck her head to her own desk. Spoo, who had also been stuck on the ceiling, was bouncing up and down on a bungee cord of glue.</p>
      <p>Ms. Bitters frowned down at Melvin, who had paste on his lips. "So, young man, now you see that there's a price to pay for eating paste. Would you say that loosing the use of your mouth was worth it?"</p>
      <p>Melvin nodded, smiling stupidly. "Mmm-hmmm!"</p>
      <p>Mr. White passed by the hallway with a lighter and a very large bottle of easy-spray cooking oil. He grinned as he sang to himself. "Burn, burn, burn down the Hot Topic, burn it down! Take control, burn down the Hot Topic!" He laughed evilly.</p>
      <p>Zim just laughed. "Stupid silent glue boy!"</p>
      <p>Then there was a roar of thunder. He glanced at the window as rain hit the window with a ploppa-ploppa-plop sound. What the? What WAS that?</p>
      <p>Sensing Zim's nervousness, Dib popped out from behind Zim's desk, a big smirk on his face. "What's WRONG, Zim? Don't they have rain on your planet?"</p>
      <p>Zim lied through his teeth. "Of COURSE! We…oh such RAIN we had! Eh…it was delicious!" He said, sweating slightly.</p>
      <p>TCHA-WHOOOM!</p>
      <p>Lightning struck the school and the lights went out for a moment, then turned back on as the rain came down harder and harder. Zim glanced around nervously as Ms. Bitters raised her hand.</p>
      <p>"OUT." She said. When lightning struck the school, that meant an early dismissal, no questions asked.</p>
      <p>Kids ran out of the school…save for Zim, who stood under the covered patio of the front entrance, looking at the rain as the kids ran out into it. Nervously he held a clawed finger out and a drop of rain hit…</p>
      <p>It burnt through the glove and his finger began to smoke. Quickly Zim pulled it back in, eyes wide with pain. He noticed Billy Slunchy was passing by and put a hand on his shoulder.</p>
      <p>"So this…"rain"…is it poisonous?"</p>
      <p>Billy gave him a look like he was the dumbest person on the planet. "What're you, CRAZY?" He asked. "You're KIDDIN', right?"</p>
      <p>He ran out into the rain. Dib stood behind Zim, arms crossed as Zim watched the children sing and play in the rain, forming circles and dancing around, splashing in puddles, big smiles on their faces.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>We love rain! We love rain! Splash, splash, splash! Fun, fun, fun! Rain, rain, rain! We love rain! We love rain! Splash, splash, splash! Fun, fun, fun!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>"Damn it! How am I supposed to burn the Hot Topic down NOW?!" White muttered angrily, kicking the spray can into the trash and walking back into the school.</p>
      <p>Dib looked angrily at Zim. "GO, already" he thought. Zim nervously stepped onto the school's front steps and exposed himself to the rain. Nothing happened…</p>
      <p>He turned around and grinned triumphantly at Dib…then started to smoke.</p>
      <p>"YEEEAAAARRRGGGGHHH!" He screamed, running around the front lawn of the school as Dib began taking notes on a notepad. Gaz, umbrella in hand, looked at the scene before her.</p>
      <p>"I'm heading home with or without you, Dib. Preferably without you!" She snapped.</p>
      <p>"Go on, Gaz! I've got work to do." Dib said. "Fate of the world" kind of work!"</p>
      <p>"Dib, hold on, Zim's really hurting…" Nick said, raising his hand to stop him…</p>
      <p>Too late.</p>
      <p>Zim continued to run around, screaming. Gaz put a finger to her lip. "Ooh! Maybe I should stay and watch!...nah, forget it." Not today. Normally she liked seeing this kind of thing but this was one moment that was more pitiful than funny. She opened her umbrella as Zim dove under a tree, groaning in pain. He turned his head and saw Gaz was walking by, the umbrella sheltering her from the rain. Getting an idea, he leapt on her, picking her up, knocking the umbrella out of her hands and holding her above his head to shelter him from the rain.</p>
      <p>Gaz snarled down at him angrily. "If you wanna keep all your limbs, Zim, you will put me down, you will put me down <strong>now</strong>!"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Angelic choir</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Then the rain stopped as light poked it's way through the clouds. Putting Gaz down, Zim smirked as Gaz walked over to her umbrella, picking it up with a grazed look in her eyes. She was about to beat Zim senseless when Dib suddenly jumped into a puddle that was right in front of Zim and…</p>
      <p>SPLOOOOSH!</p>
      <p>He and Gaz were soaked again. Zim screamed in pain as he started smoking again. He fell into the puddle and began squirming around, shrieking in pain as Gaz frowned at Dib.</p>
      <p>"Oh, I'm SORRY, Zim!" Dib laughed. "I meant for that to be a BIGGER splash!"</p>
      <p>And so, Gaz and Dib headed home. Gaz, however, was not…appreciative…of Dib's "genius".</p>
      <p>"THAT…was your "fate of the world" work?! JUMPING IN A PUDDLE?! You do realize I'm going to have to destroy you when we get home." Gaz muttered.</p>
      <p>"Worth it." Dib said, shrugging. "Score one for the human race! Score nothing for the Zim…thingy…race…" He scratched his head.</p>
      <p><em>IRKEN. </em>The narrator corrected.</p>
      <p>"Right, Irken." Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>"Yep. I'm destroying you." Gaz said, nodding.</p>
      <p>"You just can't appreciate my strategic masterminding. Now I know that water causes him extreme discomfort and can use this to my advantage!" Dib said happily. "I'm just so SMART!"</p>
      <p><em>Karma time...</em> The narrator said to Gaz privately, making her grin in apprehension.</p>
      <p>"I swear, sometimes even I scare myself with how amazingly I-" Dib went on, bragging. Well that did it…</p>
      <p>Zim jumped out from behind a corner, screaming in Dib's face. "BOOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA!"</p>
      <p>"OOOOH!" Dib screamed, arms pinwheeling as he fell over into a puddle, splashing Gaz AGAIN.</p>
      <p>"How amazingly you can fall into a puddle? I agree." Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>Dib sat up, frowning. "Alright, Zim. You wanna play this way, I'll get you back! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon! Soon, watery vengeance will be mine!"</p>
      <p>Gaz spat out a fish from her mouth, then pulled up one sleeve.</p>
      <p>Dib and Zim were later found, stuck inside of a mailbox together, which, according to both sources, was "Hell" because "Zim doesn't brush his teeth", and "Dib's breathe is pure hellfire". Therefore they spent much of Thursday nursing sore heads. So…on FRIDAY…</p>
      <p>Ms. Bitters was peeling an onion with a very large knife, frowning as usual. "As punishment for the paste incident, today will be devoted to having your minds erased!" She snapped. The words "Paste: Your Chance for Redemption" were written on the board. Today's activity? Paste art.</p>
      <p>Zim put some paste on a piece of paper and then put the paste spreader back into it's container, mumbling how much he hated this. He noticed suddenly that some paste was stuck on his glove. Frowning slightly, he quickly pulled out a scanning tool from his PAK and looked the paste over, then the paste container. He noticed Dib was looking at him intently…</p>
      <p>Wait, not anymore. Dib got up and calmly walked over to the nearby sink of the art room they were all in, turning the handle EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY…now a single droplet of water began to drip out…one drop at a time…a variation of the Chinese water torture. Zim gulped and began squirming with each drip of water. This was REALLY cruel…</p>
      <p>BRIIIIING!</p>
      <p>School was soon over. Zim was currently hiding from Dib behind a lamp post, desperate to avoid his hated nemesis and…WATER. He tried sneaking away, but almost ran into a puddle. Shrieking, he ran the other way, then hid behind a fire hydrant. Dib would NEVER find him-</p>
      <p>DRIP…DRIP…</p>
      <p>He saw water dripping from the in horror, Zim backed away…</p>
      <p>"Hey, ZIM!" Dib called out, tossing a water balloon into the air with one hand and catching it. Then he threw it through the air…</p>
      <p>It knocked Zim down, then flew into the air, bounced off the ground and then finally struck Zim on the head.</p>
      <p>"YEEEEIIIIIIEEEEKKKK!" Zim shrieked, going into spasms. Dib smirked coldly as Zim wriggled around in pain, smoking and screaming horribly.</p>
      <p>"AAA! Why must this BEEEE?!" He howled.</p>
      <p>
        <em>Uh, cuz you're trying to take over the world?</em>
      </p>
      <p>"NOT…HEEEELLLPIIIING!"</p>
      <p>Dib smirked as he stood above Zim. "How advanced is an alien race that can't handle a little water balloon? I don't even feel good about winning this one!"</p>
      <p>
        <em>GOOD, you SHOULDN'T! That was really MEAN, Dib!</em>
      </p>
      <p>Zim stood up, hissing. "You win this round, perhaps, but watch your back, Dib!" Zim snarled, holding up his gloved hand…revealing a piece of water balloon was in his hand.</p>
      <p>"Now that I have access to your water balloon technology, I will annihilate you down to your every last cell! On Monday we settle this…like CHILDREN."</p>
      <p>Dib rolled his eyes and walked off as Zim looked at his hand, seeing the water balloon piece was STUCK. Frowning, Zim yanked it off, seeing that it was stuck to the paste that had gotten on his glove earlier. HMM…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…later, in Zim's lab, Zim analyzed the paste, his eyes scanning the ingredients. An idea was forming in his head…as was one in Dib's. Dib showed off a diagram of his latest plan to Gaz: A sketch of a device that was attached to a sketched version of himself's back. Gaz showed off her own picture: A green monster of some kind gobbling Dib down.</p>
      <p>"…your compassion is heartwarming, sister." Dib mumbled.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim looked at the paste on a cellular level through his computer system. Seperating one molecule of the paste he placed it inside over a small, microscopic box and tested to see what would happen if water hit it…</p>
      <p>And he was surprised to see that the paste that covered the box protected it. The box was untouched by water! And so, as Dib continued to work on his blueprints, Zim placed goggles over his head as he held up a brush covered in paste. "For SCIENCE." He said, covering himself in the paste. "GIR?"</p>
      <p>GIR pressed a button on the wall and a shower turned on over Zim, covering him in water which…f</p>
      <p>Sloughed off. He was unaffected. The paste had saved him! GIR pressed another button. Water balloons shot through the air, smacking into him and…the paste saved him once more.</p>
      <p>Dib put a welding mask over his face, grinning. There was no WAY Zim would be able to match THIS…</p>
      <p>Zim studied his latest device, rubbing his hands. Yes…YES…this would be perfect. It needed one more touch…</p>
      <p>He held up a stamp with the Irken symbol on it…his baseball card for his "bike", if you will.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>….</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the day of reckoning had arrived. Dib was asleep in the garage. Rolling her eyes, Gaz approached him and frowned. "Hey GENIUS, it's Monday!" She snapped. Dib's head snapped up…his hair sticking out in all directions.</p>
      <p>"…and tape your hair down. Sheesh." Gaz said, walking off.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…school had not yet begun but EVERY kid was interested in seeing what was going on. Dib had strapped a large tank of water to his back and now a large crowd of kids were looking at him as he looked around for Zim.</p>
      <p>Gaz smacked herself in the face, groaning. What an IDIOT her brother was!</p>
      <p>"Zim, you coward! Come out here and face me!" Dib yelled out.</p>
      <p>Realizing what he was up to, a group of kids moved out of the way, showing Zim. He was perfectly still, crouching slightly in a cowardly position.</p>
      <p>"Poor little Zim, all that alien power and brought down by a little Earthly water!" Dib crowed. "Pretty obvious who the superior being is here!"</p>
      <p>Zim didn't move a muscle. Odd. Dib frowned. "Zim, get up already! Seriously, Zim! Get up! You think this is funny!? Are you making fun of me!? You know what? You're just asking for it now!"</p>
      <p>Nothing happened. Zim kept cowering. Gaz, however, had walked off and was going to find her rain jacket…</p>
      <p>"OKAY…" Dib hissed. He pressed a button on one of the double handles that were attached to the tube on his back. Some water went into a tube from the tank and into a water balloon, one of many unfilled ones that were attached to the tank. A mechanical arm sprung from the tank, followed by two more, which popped up into the air, knocking one kid back and creating…</p>
      <p>A VERY large slingshot which was now situated over Dib's head, a large string of rubber taut. Dib pulled a lever and THWOOSH! The water balloon soared through the air. Dib laughed in triumph…</p>
      <p>But that laugh died away into a gasp as it went THROUGH Zim and splattered to the ground.</p>
      <p>A HOLOGRAM!</p>
      <p>A small device beneath Zim exploded and "Zim" vanished. Dib gulped. If Zim wasn't THERE, then…</p>
      <p>All across the city, people were finding water was…vanishing. A lady in the shower found the water just STOPPED. An old woman in an inflatable tube thingy gasped as her pool drained away. The dam itself began to lose water!</p>
      <p>Vasquez frowned as his aquarium lost its water. He rolled his eyes, one hand on his glass of water…</p>
      <p>The fish in his aquarium hopped out of the now-empty tank and into the glass, trying to find water just as Vasquez raised it to his mouth.</p>
      <p>SLURRRP!</p>
      <p>He blinked…then clutched his chest. "AAAAA!" He howled, going into a spasm on the ground, choking on his goldfish.</p>
      <p>"Hang on, I gotcha!" Nick said, picking him up and performing the Heimlich Maneuver.</p>
      <p>Fountains were drained, the toilets…all of SOARED up from the ground into a tornado of water that swirled up into the sky…going into a space station far above the town. The station was like a gigantic ring with rubber stretched along the inside. The water was forced into the rubber…making a GIANT water balloon with, per GIR's suggestion, a smiley face on it. Inside a small control center on the RING, Zim pulled on some levers as the end of the balloon was closed off…it was full. Two tubes emerged from the ceiling and formed gloves that covered Zim's hands as two large mechanical arms unfolded outside the station. The movement of Zim's gloves echoed the hands outside as he tied a knot in the balloon, and then the gloves shot back into the ceiling. Satisfied with this, Zim programmed the targeting system to aim right for the city…</p>
      <p>TARGET LOCKED.</p>
      <p>The satellite flipped around so the water balloon faced the earth and it let go…</p>
      <p>THWOOOOOOOSH!</p>
      <p>People ran screaming as a HUGE shadow covered the town. Dib stared up, entranced by the sheer AWESOMENESS of this water balloon. It came down…down…DOWN!</p>
      <p>And then hit a telephone pole.</p>
      <p>POP!</p>
      <p>…well…you can guess the rest.</p>
      <p>"TIDAL WAVE!" White laughed as he rode atop a mailbox in the huge onslaught of water that resulted from the balloon. An unfortunate window washer was swept into Steve Ressel who lost his hold on the hot dog he had in his hands as vans were overturned, the school building…along with many others, was TOTALED and people went flying.</p>
      <p>"There's no place I'd rather be, then on my surfboard out at sea!" Nick sang as he rode atop a surfboard down the tidal wave, hanging ten.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…groaning, Chunk hoisted himself atop of an overturned bus. The Slunchy brothers were resting atop a bent-up pole that looked somewhat like a TREE now.</p>
      <p>"Why if it isn't Merry and Pippin!" The guidance counselor Mr. White laughed as he pointed at them.</p>
      <p>"HA-HA! Just get us down!" Billy begged.</p>
      <p>Lizard Boy and Flan were sitting atop a piece of wood as Keef was sitting in front of a volleyball.</p>
      <p>"WILSON! WIIILLLSOOON!" He sobbed.</p>
      <p>Dib, who had gone under, was now floating atop the water. "The WETTENING…the <em>wettening…</em>" He whispered.</p>
      <p>Gaz walked by him, the water finally becoming shallow. She dropped a water balloon on his head and walked off, heading back home to play Game Slave as Dib blinked stupidly, getting up. Zim whistled happily as he walked past a duck, going to the front door of his house…which was totaled as well. GIR was in his disguise, playing in the water with a rubber piggy as Zim approached the toilet that led to his lab.</p>
      <p>"Helloooo!" GIR said to his master as a whale blinked it's eyes, deposited behind the toilet. GIR then spat some water out of his mouth. "I've got a BLOWHOLE!" He said.</p>
      <p>"GIR, I'll be in my lab bathing in paste. Don't disturb me." He ordered. He stood in the toilet and pressed the lever…</p>
      <p>Unfortunately, due to Zim's fiddling with the system, the toilet malfunctioned…and began to flush him.</p>
      <p>"YAAARRRGH!" Zim screamed, clawing at the toilet bowl as he tried not to slip inside. GIR just played in the water as Zim slipped in deeper and deeper.</p>
      <p>"AAA! Help! My head is stuck! GIR! Help! I can't breath, I can't…YEAAARRRGGH!"</p>
      <p>"<strong>Hello and welcome to "Ask an Irken" with Invader Darth!"</strong></p>
      <p>
        <strong>Darth: Hello generally inferior life forms. Nice to meet you. I'd get up and shake your hand, but I'd get your…heh-heh…GERMS on me. So I'll just begin by answering a couple questions that are common about Irken society…</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"<strong>Why the heck did Red and Purple get the names they got? Is it a "Tallest" thing?"</strong></p>
      <p>
        <strong>Darth: No. Names are chosen randomly and then downloaded into a smeet (baby irken) when their PAK is fully set up…how are they chosen randomly? Computers look through a baby-names e-book.</strong>
      </p>
      <p>…<strong>what' with the silence? Nick, are they giving me a look?<br/></strong></p>
      <p>"<strong>Yes."</strong></p>
      <p>
        <strong>Darth: Hey, </strong>
        <strong>I</strong>
        <strong> didn't design the system. See you next time! And review this story!</strong>
      </p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Attack of the Phantom Head Shaver</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>
    <strong>ATTACK OF THE PHANTOM HEAD SHAVER!</strong>
  </p>
  <p>"Hi everyone!" White says, waving at you all. "Gaz and I are going to start this special off by just saying what a pleasure it is to be a part of this. Right?"</p>
  <p>"Right." Gaz says.</p>
  <p>"Would this girl lie for Game Slave cartridges? <strong>I</strong> don't think so!" White remarks cheerfully. "This next show is considered unsuitable for people."</p>
  <p>"<strong><em>EXTREMELY</em></strong>." Gaz admits.</p>
  <p>White smiles as he turns to Gaz. "Now then Gazoline, if you could tell the eager masses what we have in store for-"</p>
  <p>"Crap." She remarks.</p>
  <p>"Thank you. <span>Yes</span>…yes it's all a load of crap when you think about it." White says, shrugging. "BUT…to make it more interesting, we've decided to call it…"</p>
  <p>He grins and points upward. Bloody letters spell out "ATTACK OF THE PHANTOM HEAD SHAVER", floating in mid-air. "Attack of the Phantom Head Shaver!" White announces evilly, a dark shadow cast upon his face.</p>
  <p>THWAM! They fall on top of him as Gaz calmly steps to the side.</p>
  <p>"AAA! This was my favorite COAT! MOTHER-!"</p>
  <p>"<em>Stupid title</em>." Gaz says, getting out her Game Slave and walking away.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>… "Felix, move that capsule."</p>
  <p>Felix nodded nervously, moving a containment capsule into the closet of Darth's ship as the currently unblind Irken folded his hands, one over the other, looking at the screen of his ship, the BINED attached to his skull, enabling him the gift of sight. True, everything was sadly tinted…he saw in shades of black and red…it would be so interesting to see in other colors…</p>
  <p>Thanks to that albino's prodding, Zim had decided to call up other Invaders to gloat about his progress…Skoodge and Darth included! And because of that…Darth now had Zim's location thanks to him getting a lock on Zim's signal.</p>
  <p>He could go to Earth. And his ship wasn't a piece of crap like Zim's. It wouldn't take long at all…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…It was the year 2012. The air was calm in the night.</p>
  <p>Well…not for long if Jhonen Vasquez had anything to say about it! See, he's the kind of guy who likes to see if people are having a good time and then he'll-</p>
  <p>"NICK, you PRICK, get on with it!"</p>
  <p>Alright, FINE! FINE! SHEESH. But seriously, he IS an-</p>
  <p>"Look, I let you do this special cuz you saved me from choking, but if you keep this up-"</p>
  <p>OKAY, OKAY! On with the story! Sleeping peacefully in room 1408 in Horrible Inn Suite, a <span>fairly</span> young newlywed couple were sleeping together in a big king mattress that had a patchwork blue and yellow quilt on top. They were Mr. Winston and Lotta Pain…and Lotta snored. Badly. Not that her husband seemed to HEAR…</p>
  <p>Suddenly…from their room we hear…</p>
  <p>"EEEEEEK! HELP! HELP! Oh my GOD, look at the SHINE! <strong>HEEELLLPPPP!</strong>"</p>
  <p>"Lotta, are you awake my dear?"</p>
  <p>"Get away from me with that DIRTY big bald head!"</p>
  <p>"<em>Huh</em>?"</p>
  <p>"Señora! ¡Señor!" A Hispanic floor attendant heard the noise and entered the room, flashlight shining about as he squinted at them, his beard stubble visibly noticeable and making him look quite rugged. "Por favor, deje de gritar, que se están dando hasta el otro las parejas de luna de miel en el hotel! What is the trouble?"</p>
  <p>"It's HIM, my HUSBAND! Look at him!" The frizzy-haired, glasses-wearing Lotta Pain said, pointing at her husband, who scratched his stomach and stood up, blinking his big blue eyes.</p>
  <p>"He seems to be a perfectly normal freak!" The Hispanic attendant said.</p>
  <p>Mr. Pain frowned. "Hey, Jose, watch your tone or I'll send you over the border, COMPRENDE?"</p>
  <p>"You shut up, baldy!" His wife yelled, slapping him in the face. (We still have yet to see him fully…)</p>
  <p>"I'm not BALD!" He snapped.</p>
  <p>"I'm afraid she's right…you are…"</p>
  <p>Then Winston reached up and felt the top of his head.</p>
  <p>"<strong>BALD!</strong>" The attendant and Mr. Pain screamed at the same time.</p>
  <p>"AAAAA!" Lotta shrieked.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…<span>Indeed, he was bald. The Phantom Head Shaver had struck. Meanwhile, I, Michael White, decided to open up a tobacco kiosk…since I didn't decide to be a guidance counselor for the MONEY if you know what I mean! It was that same week that Winston Payne was taken to court by his wife…</span></p>
  <p>BANG!</p>
  <p>Winston sat behind the defendant's chair along with his lawyer. A large group of people were sitting in the audience, all jeering at his bald head. Somebody had written "Outlook Not So Good" on the back of his head with a magic marker and the jury of his peers were all men with very, VERY long hair. The head of it was Steve Ressel!</p>
  <p>"Alright! Silence in court! The court will now stand for Judge Fudge. And if you'll stand for him, you'll stand for ANYTHING."</p>
  <p>"HEY! Hmph! Friggin' hippie!" A person with a big black robe, a white powdered wig and a big smile frowned for a moment at the usher. He appeared to be a big square block of fudge. "Alright everyone, let's get started. The first case for today is Mrs. Lotta Payne versus Winston Payne."</p>
  <p>"Alright, Mrs. Pain." The usher led Mrs. Pain to the witness stand. "Raise your right hand and your left leg."</p>
  <p>WOOOP! She did so as she put her left hand on a Bible.</p>
  <p>"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing BUT the truth?" The black-haired, big nosed usher asked.</p>
  <p>"Yep!"</p>
  <p>"YOU ain't gonna get far!" The usher laughed. "Milord, the first witness for the prosecution is ready."</p>
  <p>"Very well. Let the prosecuting counsel begin making their case."</p>
  <p>"Thank you." A man with grayish/brown hair, a red/purple suit with frills and an experienced face stood up. "My client, Mrs. Payne, does contend that her husband, Winston, did deceive her in that, during their courting days, right up to their marriage night, he in fact CONCEALED…" He swept his hand around the room. "His baldness from her without her knowledge!"</p>
  <p>"Yes." Mrs. Pain said, nodding. "I got up at around midnight to clean the windows."</p>
  <p>"Hold it! I object!" An old man with a cane said, waving it over his head.</p>
  <p>"Who are YOU?" The prosecutor asked.</p>
  <p>"I'm the window cleaner!"</p>
  <p>"I don't wish to know that. The fact she was cleaning the windows was unimportant…" Prosecutor Mitsurugi remarked, waving his hand in the air dismissively.</p>
  <p>"My bread and butter!" The cleaner shouted.</p>
  <p>"What ABOUT your bread and butter?!" The prosecutor snapped.</p>
  <p>"I clean the windows with it!"</p>
  <p>
    <em>
      <strong>"I don't wish to know that!"</strong>
    </em>
  </p>
  <p>"My lord!" Nick shouted. The youth was acting as Mr. Payne's lawyer because being a teacher REALLY didn't pay the bills. He stood up, taking a deep breath before going on. "As council for the defense, I must clear this up once and for all! My client INSISTS he was not hiding a bald head!" He went on, gesticulating to prove his point. "He was shaved in the night by person or persons unknown!" He announced, looking directly at the jury.</p>
  <p>The court was abuzz with activity. So much that everyone began talking.</p>
  <p>"Silence!" Judge Fudge yelled. "Silence in court!"</p>
  <p>"Yes, silence!" Nick shouted.</p>
  <p>"Silence in court!" The usher yelled.</p>
  <p>"SILLLLLEEEEEENNNCCEEEEE!"</p>
  <p>"SILENCE! SILENCE!"</p>
  <p>
    <span>Well, there was no continuing the case THAT day. I happen to remember the case quite well because Mr. Grey, a dear associate of mine, was the lawyer in the case. And later, that evening, when he was just finishing up a snogging session with his girlfriend while "Napoleon Dynamite's" dancing scene was playing on the TV in the background, things took a turn in favor of his client…</span>
  </p>
  <p>RIIING!</p>
  <p>Nick kissed Kelsey once again then headed for the door, opening it up. Mr. Mailman held a package up. "Sign here" He said, lifting his shirt up and showing off a signature line on his stomach. Nick took the marker, raised an eyebrow, then signed for the package, bringing it inside.</p>
  <p>"Hmm…is it my copy of "The Killing Joke"?" He wondered, opening the brown package up. "…what the FUDGE? Is this…HAIR? It IS!" he then reached inside the package and pulled out a note. "What this? Hmm." He read it over.</p>
  <p>"Winston Payne is incontinent. But also innocent. I'M the one who balded him whilst he slept. Signed…<strong>the Phantom Head Shaver!</strong>" Nick's eyes went wide.</p>
  <p>THE CASE OF PAYNE VS PAYNE…THIRD WEEK…</p>
  <p>"Alright, Mr. Payne…" Judge Fudge was flipping around his gavel in the air. "The Jury of 3 Just Men and 9 Criminals finds you totally guilty of hiding your bald nut from your wife until after she'd sunk her claws into you."</p>
  <p>Mrs. Payne hisses at everyone from her chair, fangs appearing in her mouth and spikes momentarily growing out of her head.</p>
  <p>"Now either you pay a fine of ten dollars or do fifty years in the nick." Judge Fudge remarked, balancing the gavel on his finger. "What shall it be?"</p>
  <p>"I'm doin' the fifty years, I ain't throwing a ten spot down the drain!" Winston snapped.</p>
  <p>"Fine! I sentence you to fifty years in the nick and-" The judge raised his gavel. Then he blinked. "Wait, where's that stupid lawyer?"</p>
  <p>"WAIIIIITTT!" Nick kicks the door to the court open and runs in slow-motion down the aisle. "WAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!"</p>
  <p>Everyone else is moving in NORMAL motion. They all blink in confusion as he finally reaches the front. "Look!" He says, going back to normal speed and holding up a package, tossing it to Judge Fudge. "This evidence will PROVE Winston's innocence! That hair is HIS…shaved in the middle of the night! I submit it for analysis!"</p>
  <p>"We gotta go through all this crap AGAIN!?" The judge groans. "Alright, fine, fine…case suspended until the hair is analyzed!" Judge Fudge snapped, slamming his gavel.</p>
  <p>THWAM!</p>
  <p>
    <span>The days after this were AGONY for the kind-hearted Mr. Grey. He paced up and down, walking around his home constantly as he awaited news of the analysis. </span>
  </p>
  <p>Nick is now shown inside his house. He's been walking around in circles for so long he's actually made a circular trench in the floor. He hears the doorbell ring and runs to the door!</p>
  <p>"Hello?" Nick asked, going to the door. There was a package below…</p>
  <p>"Hmm…" Nick took it inside and found a note inside the empty package. "Odd." He remarked, going into the kitchen. "I struck again last night. This time I didn't send you the victim's hair. Sorry!". Hmm. He's VERY cocky." Nick mumbled. "PS…if you wish to know who the victim is…look in the mirror…"</p>
  <p>Nick's eyes went wide. He reached up to the top of his head.</p>
  <p>(Scene cuts to outside his house. The whole building shakes.)</p>
  <p>"AAAA! I'M BALDED! HE'S <strong>BALDED</strong> ME, OOOOOHHHHHH!"</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…Poor Nicky. All his lovely hair gone :)</p>
  <p>
    <span>In the following week I increased the size of my tobacco shack, since my supplies were increasing. And in the months that followed, the Phantom Head Shaver struck again and again!</span>
  </p>
  <p>(A shot of the city is shown. Scream is followed by scream.)</p>
  <p>
    <span>Fifty men were balded whilst they slept! Luckily, Dib Membrane was on the case. In fact…</span>
  </p>
  <p>"Mr. Grey…" Dib examined the hair underneath a microscope and squinted through his glasses. "I've been looking through this sample for the past two weeks. And uh…sorry about your hair."</p>
  <p>Nick began to cry. He held a tissue up to his nose and let loose a loud, foghorn blast.</p>
  <p>
    <strong>SFX: Foghorn</strong>
  </p>
  <p>"Not YOUR fault!" Nick insisted. "I don't WHY I haven't been able to figure it out myself…I guess this must be the "semi" in the "semi-phenomenal cosmic powers" a narrator has."</p>
  <p>"Anyhow, this hair I've analyzed…it's not REALLY hair." Dib said, turning around in his hair and shaking his head. "It's actually more consistent with…<strong>tobacco</strong>!"</p>
  <p>"Wh-WHAT? Tobacco? You're sure?" Nick asked, eyebrows raised high. "Hmm…" He rubbed his chin.</p>
  <p>"Forget narrator, ever considered being a prophet?" Gaz asked, walking by, playing her video games. <em>"Because your head looks like a crystal ball!"</em></p>
  <p>Nick frowned after her. "HA-<strong>HA</strong>!" He laughed sarcastically. "You're a RIOT, Gaz!"</p>
  <p>
    <span>Halloween was ruined. Nobody felt like celebrating and people were urged to stay indoors. 300 men and women had been balded by the Phantom in October alone. My tobacco stocks were now quite high, and as a result of the Phantom, the mayor declared a state of emergency, RUINING thanksgiving and stalling what would have been QUITE an interesting election! </span>
  </p>
  <p>"JHONEN, YOU BEE-TARD!" Nick shouts, waving his head at the sky. "How is the vote supposed to be Baracked <strong>now</strong>!?"</p>
  <p>
    <span>Troops were brought into town and the only exit out was the area of the town known as Happy Harbor. On a hunch, Dib went into action!...mostly because Nick locked himself up in his room, unable to deal with all the "Heya Baldy" comments that were being tossed at him. JEEZ he's a wuss!</span>
  </p>
  <p>"There's nobody else who can defeat this Phantom Head Shaver, Gaz! We have to do something!" Dib insisted to Gaz as she sat down on the couch, watching the TV and sipping a "Diet Poopsi".</p>
  <p>"…hmm…well, it's true, I'm one of the few people around here who aren't COMPLETELY retarded." She admitted. "And I don't want to get shaved myself, so…" She turned the TV off and hopped out of the chair. "Alright, you have a stupid plan or something, right?"</p>
  <p>"Yes. With all the troopers around here, the Phantom's probably set up shop somewhere where he can make an easy getaway if somebody goes after him. If we catch him before he can leave, we can END this nightmare and bring him to justice!" Dib said, pointing upward dramatically.</p>
  <p>"Can I cripple him after this is over?" She asked.</p>
  <p>"…I…guess…" Dib admitted.</p>
  <p>"Good. Let's go." Gaz said, putting on her jacket.</p>
  <p>
    <span>And so, to Happy Harbor our heroes went, to the exit that was being guarded by the finest minds that the town had to offer!</span>
  </p>
  <p>"Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo-dee-doo!" GIR sang happily, head bouncing back and forth in the dark. "Oh, goodnight moon, goodnight room, goodnight crumbs from a macaroon! Goodnight TV, goodnight screen, goodnight channels still unseen! Goodnight piggy, goodnight dust, goodnight week-old-pizza-crust!"</p>
  <p>"GIR, SHUT IT!"</p>
  <p>"And goodnight to master, who's yellin' "hush"!" GIR laughed.</p>
  <p>"GIR, shut up, get out of bed, and get outside on guard!" Zim snapped. He and GIR were sitting in a dark room in beds facing each other in an old shack near the harbor as seagulls cawed overhead in the gloom of night. "If you don't…I'm taking away your little piggies!"</p>
  <p>"<strong>AAA</strong>! You WOULDN'T!" GIR gasped.</p>
  <p>"Oh YES I would!" Zim snapped, pointing out the door. "Now get OUT there!" Zim ordered.</p>
  <p>"Yes master, I obey!" GIR said, going into duty mode as his eyes turned red. He walked outside and stood in the dark as the trees cast shadows across him. His eyes looked around the place and he shivered.</p>
  <p>It sure was…DARK…out there. But he wasn't SCARED or anythi-</p>
  <p>"Hey!"</p>
  <p>"<strong>YEEEK</strong>!" GIR ran back inside the shack and slammed the door. "We don't want any!" He screamed.</p>
  <p>"One step nearer, and we'll SCREAM!" Zim shrieked, holding a pillow up to his chest.</p>
  <p>"Relax! It's me! Dib! And Gaz!" Dib shouted.</p>
  <p>"…so…friend or foe?" GIR asked, tilting his head slightly.</p>
  <p>"Open the door, robot!" Dib snapped.</p>
  <p>GIR did so. Gaz and Dib walked inside the shack and turned the lights on as Zim cowered in the corner, wearing a dress, a purse, a big hat and lipstick. "I surrender! I'm unarmed!" He quickly grabbed GIR, put a baby's bonnet on him and held GIR to his chest. "You wouldn't hurt a nursing mother, would you?"</p>
  <p>"…Zim, it's US…" Gaz muttered. "You IDIOT."</p>
  <p>Zim blinked. "Oh. YOU!" He took the disguise off and placed GIR to the side. "What are you doing here?!"</p>
  <p>"Well actually, we found a trail of hair nearby." Dib explained, shrugging. The light was still kind of bad in the shack…he couldn't really see all of Zim. "We think that the Phantom Head Shaver's nearby!"</p>
  <p>"Are you kidding, Dib-Stink?!" Zim asked, standing up and tossing his hat off. GIR giggled. "I hid here to get AWAY from the Phantom! If he shaves me, then everyone will realize I'm an alien! And what if he tries to take my antennae off? But he won't get ME…" Zim rubbed his hands together, grinning and speaking in a low, hissing tone. "He won't get ME I tell you! I am ZIIIM! He won't be taking MY precious antennae away! Why, if that stinking Phantom comes here, I'll…I'll…" He blinked, noticing that Gaz was smirking at him and Dib was rolling on the floor with GIR, laughing. "What's so FUNNY?!"</p>
  <p>"Half your left antenna is gone." Gaz remarked.</p>
  <p>"EEEEEK!" Zim shrieked, clutching onto his antenna above. "How the?! HOW?! No, no, NOOOOO! It'll take WEEKS to grow back!" He shrieked. "That…that FIEND!"</p>
  <p>
    <span>Something in Zim's voice told them he KNEW what had happened. :)</span>
  </p>
  <p>"My fake hair is gone and now I'm…HALF BALD!" Zim sobbed.</p>
  <p>"Well, you know what they say about criminals…they always return to the scene of the crime." Gaz remarked as Dib finished laughing.</p>
  <p>"You want me to stay here so he can come back and shave the REST of me?!" Zim snapped.</p>
  <p>"Yep. That's why I brought a camera." Gaz said, taking a picture of him. "One for me…" FWOOSH! "And one for the internet!"</p>
  <p>"I'm not staying here!" Zim remarked, crossing his arms and pouting.</p>
  <p>"Then…under American law…I subpoena you!" Dib shouted.</p>
  <p>"You little SWINE you!" Zim snarled, clenching his fist. "Alright, FINE! Stinkin'…"</p>
  <p>Then his one and a half antennae picked up. "Wait…I HEAR something…it sounds like somebody's…sharpening something…"</p>
  <p>"Like a RAZOR?" Dib asked.</p>
  <p>Zim turned his head to the left and pointed. "Down that side of the beach! It must be him!"</p>
  <p>"Gaz, can you bring an angry mob?" Dib asked.</p>
  <p>"Already got it covered." Gaz said, holding up a cell phone and going to the group "Mob" under her "MyFriends" option.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…a large group of people who had been attacked by the Phantom Head Shaver stood outside a large shack where a strange noise could be heard. Dib, Gaz, GIR and Zim, who was wearing his lady's disguise, were at the front. All three of them looked very resolute, no more so than Zim, who was PISSED.</p>
  <p>"Yes…he's in THERE." Dib said, nodding and adjusting his glasses. "With a naked razor!"</p>
  <p>"…OOOOOH!" GIR said, mouth making a perfect "o".</p>
  <p>People held up flaming torches and Dib cupped his hands around his mouth, shouting out. "Come OUT, Phantom Head Shaver, you're surrounded!"</p>
  <p>The noise stopped.</p>
  <p>"We're all heavily armed! If you don't get out of there, we'll go to the door and…we'll…uh…"</p>
  <p>"Knock?" GIR asked.</p>
  <p>"No, GIR, not KNOCK." Zim snapped. "Unless you mean knock it down! Come out you rotten head shaver! Lemme see your face!"</p>
  <p>"Gaz, you go in and get him!" Dib said.</p>
  <p>"…ME?!" Gaz asked, frowning at Dib.</p>
  <p>"Well why not?" Dib asked.</p>
  <p>"…whatever!" Gaz snapped, walking to the door, kicking it open and going inside. Ten seconds later she emerged, slamming the door and walking back to the others. "I didn't see anybody in there. He's probably hiding!"</p>
  <p>"…" Everyone gaped.</p>
  <p>"…WHAT?!" Gaz muttered.</p>
  <p>"Look in this mirror." Zim said holding up a mirror for her.</p>
  <p>(Scene cuts away to shot of the Earth. The entire world shakes as Gaz screams.)</p>
  <p>"YAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!"</p>
  <p>"Holy COW!" Dib gasped.</p>
  <p>"You little JERK!" Gaz snarled, throttling her brother. "He BALDED me! Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to get my hair like-" She stopped, then stepped back and snapped her fingers. POOF! Her hair popped out of her skull and she kneaded it back to it's familiar shape.</p>
  <p>"…WOW." Dib remarked.</p>
  <p>"Uh…maybe we should send somebody else in!" Principal Prickley suggested.</p>
  <p>"Okay, how about you?" Dib asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
  <p>"Nope! Try again!" The principal said, shaking his head.</p>
  <p>"Alright fine, since he won't come out, and nobody wants to go IN, we'll fix him like THIS!" Zim said, holding up a stick of some kind of explosive he'd brought along with his purse. He held a finger/claw up to a red button on the shaft, pressed it, and tossed it into the cabin. There was a hissing noise and then…</p>
  <p>PWUFT!</p>
  <p>They all blinked stupidly. Nothing had happened.</p>
  <p>"It was a DUD?!" Dib asked.</p>
  <p>"The finest Irken technology available to me…" Zim mumbled. "And it didn't work?!"</p>
  <p><em>"What ELSE is new?!"</em> The narrator wisecracked in his head, making Zim frown angrily.</p>
  <p>"Fine. We'll all have to rush him at the same time!" Dib shouted. Everyone held up torches, pitchforks and big hammers and let out a war cry. They rushed inside and…</p>
  <p>(Shot of Earth. A LARGE explosion shoots up into space, then the light fades away. Now we cut back to Happy Harbor and see huge chunks of shack floating in the ocean and scattered around the beach. People are lying left and right, groaning in pain. Nick rushed to the scene, eyes wide.</p>
  <p>"What the?! Oh my LORD!" He shouted.</p>
  <p>"The hut…blew up." White said, shrugging.</p>
  <p>"Good Lord! They were looking for the Phantom Head Shaver and THIS is what happened?" Nick asked, eyes wide with horror.</p>
  <p>"Afraid so…" White admitted.</p>
  <p>"I suppose that guy got it the worst, being in the middle of the hut…" Nick said sadly.</p>
  <p>"Life's unfair sometimes…say, I sell tobacco now, want a free sample?" White held up a small case of tobacco.</p>
  <p>Nick blinked, then held his hands up. "Ew, NO! That stuff's gross! I don't even like cigarettes!"</p>
  <p>"C'mon, this is my new chewing tobacco! It's MANLY." White said, handing him the case. "G'night Nick! I have to get some beauty sleep."</p>
  <p>Nick looked at the case of tobacco, blinking as White headed off. "Alright, maybe just a TASTE, to see what…" He frowned upon closer examination of the goods.</p>
  <p>"<em>Wait a tick</em>…this stuff's almost the same color as my hair…" His eyes narrowed to slits. <strong>"It IS the same color!" </strong>He cried. <strong>"STOP THAT MAN!"</strong> He hollered, pointing up in the direction White had went. <em><strong>"YOU DIRTY LITTLE!"</strong></em></p>
  <p>
    <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>I hope you liked this little special/first season finale. On to season two! And please, review.</strong>
  </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Career Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>
    <em>You mop twenty-two floors, and whaddya get? Another day older and you're deeper in debt! St. Peter don'tcha call me cuz I can't go, I owe my soul to the d-n school stoooore!</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>CAREER DAY</strong>
  </p>
  <p>Today in class, Nick was addressing everyone before he began.</p>
  <p>"On these mornings bleak and dreary, I do ponder, weak and weary, the reason WHY I get out of bed every day." Nick told them. He held one hand up to the side. "There's always soda. Yes, it's NEVER too early for caffeinated sugar. Then…" He waved his hand around. "There's ALWAYS the chance I get to get naked and do my impersonation of "Nude Descending a Staircase". And of course…" He grinned, holding his pointer stick behind him with both hands. "There's the chance, if the weather is right, for me to go outside and do a LOVELY rendition of "Singing in the Rain"…and if I do it just after "Nude Descending a Staircase", well that's even MORE life-affirming. But above all…" He smiled. "I think the reason I get out of bed is to make a difference on all of your young, impressionable minds."</p>
  <p>"Oh we're VERY impressionable!" A happy-looking student remarked happily.</p>
  <p>"No kidding." Gaz muttered.</p>
  <p>"Now then, today I'd like to ask you a simple question. What…do you want to be when you grow up?"</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…Everyone was sitting together in Ms. Bitters class, all eagerly raising their hands as they shouted out what they wanted to grow up to be.</p>
  <p>"I'm gonna be a doctor!" Brian proclaimed.</p>
  <p>"I'll be a veterinarian!" Sara said happily.</p>
  <p>"I wanna be a fireman!" Spoo told the class.</p>
  <p>Zim smirked happily. "And I will be... lord of all humans!" He laughed. "How do you like THAT, you annoying little abbos?"</p>
  <p>"I'm going to be a professional paranormal investigator so that I can expose YOU!" Zim said, jabbing his finger at Zim.</p>
  <p>Melvin smiled happily as his head detached from his body for a moment, swirled around in the air, then miraculously popped back on.</p>
  <p>"When I grow up... I'm gonna be a... astronaut!" He said happily, grinning.</p>
  <p>Ms. Bitters sighed sadly. "When I was your age, I wanted to be an astronaut too, Melvin!" She told him, going RIGHT in his face and hissing.</p>
  <p>Ms. Bitters thought back to that horrid day. It had all gone so happily…she'd been happily running around in her rocket, her pigtails going up and down, up and down as she jumped and then-"</p>
  <p>"It was all going very well…" Ms. Bitters said, sitting behind her desk and looking dreamily up at the ceiling for a moment before she scowled. "Then my ship imploded in the vacuum of space. Kaboom."</p>
  <p>"That's depressing." Dib remarked.</p>
  <p>"Wait…then why aren't you…dead?" Zim asked.</p>
  <p>"Dude. She's Ms. Bitters." Billy Slunchy said.</p>
  <p>"…good point." Zim admitted.</p>
  <p>"The lesson here is that dreams <em><strong>inevitably</strong></em> lead to hideous implosions! That's why the skool has instituted this test!" Ms. Bitters picked up a pile of papers from off of her desk and looked around the classroom. "From these questions, we will determine your future careers…" She said, passing the tests out to the students, one paper at a time. "Then you will be partnered with an adult who works in your field. You will spend the rest of the day observing them and getting used to your <strong>wretched, WRETCHED</strong> fates. Write what you think each blotch looks like on the line next to it. Answer carefully…" She sneered. "Your future depends on it."</p>
  <p>"…er…" Dib looked confused. "Look, I can understand the whole "Rorschach" thing for <span>psychological</span> examination, but what does identifying blotches have to do with determining our future <strong>careers</strong>?</p>
  <p>Ms. Bitters shook her head, sighing. "Oh, you poor, doomed child." She intoned.</p>
  <p>Zim, however, could really only concentrate on one thing. So the first idea that came to him was…well, human slave. So he wrote "human slave" on the line next to the first blotch. And on the second blotch. Then he got an itch on his neck and began to scratch it, not noticing little BUMPS were forming.</p>
  <p>Dib, took a look at the small bumps on Zim's neck, frowned, noted it in his head, then wrote "Ghost" Next to the first blotch. Then "Bigfoot"…</p>
  <p>"Your time is almost up! Pass your papers forward!" Ms. Bitters announced.</p>
  <p>Zim couldn't think of anything at first. He bent his pencil, he beat his head against the desk, then groaned…</p>
  <p>Then it hit him.</p>
  <p>"OH." He remarked, writing down "Human Slave" for the THIRD blotch.</p>
  <p>Then a machine burst through the ceiling of the classroom. The words 'POS 2000' were written on the side of the machine. It was a purple/grey computer with several large levers, a thousand different buttons, and a display screen hanging over the top of rolls of strip that were rolling around and around, data printed on the strips. There was a slot beneath the display screen that was showing the strange, lightning-like static on the pink display screen.</p>
  <p>"The machine will now decide your fate." Ms. Bitters told them all as she inserted one paper after another into the slot. A few moments later the machine went "PING" and then zoomed back up into the ceiling.</p>
  <p>"Hmm. Alright. Brian will be a fireman!" Ms. Bitters announced.</p>
  <p>"Awww, but I wanted to be a DOCTOR!" Brian complained.</p>
  <p>"QUIET! The machine has spoken!" Ms. Bitters hissed. "Sara, you are going to be an astronaut!"</p>
  <p>Sara burst into tears and hung her head.</p>
  <p>"Spoo, you will be a veterinarian."</p>
  <p>"But I'm allergic to animals!" Spoo complained.</p>
  <p>"Not MY Problem." Ms. Bitters said, smirking. "Dib, you will be a... paranormal investigator. Hmm."</p>
  <p>This was odd. The machine was supposed to…unless…she smirked again as Dib cheered, punching the sky with a cry of "YES, YES, YES".</p>
  <p>Yes, this would work out. Ms. Bitters turned to Zim. "Zim, the machine says that the only career <strong>you</strong> are suitable for is-"</p>
  <p>"Yes, yes. Lord of humans!" Zim whispered under his breath, grinning. Finally he could take it no more and jumped on his desk, holding the fist up.</p>
  <p>"I will rule you all with an iron fist!" He proclaimed.</p>
  <p>"… NO, Zim." Ms. Bitters informed him, shaking her head. "The machine has assigned you a career in fast food preparation!"</p>
  <p>For a brief moment that brought up horrid, HORRIBLE memories. But when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.</p>
  <p>"I will prepare food with my iron fist! Then I will work my way up to ruling you all with my fist!" Zim proclaimed, going over to Melvin. "You! <strong>Obey the fist!</strong>" Zim snapped, waving it in Melvin's face.</p>
  <p>Ms. Bitters growled, then continued to address the rest of the class, confirming what most already knew about her…she should write HORROR STORIES. And TRAGEDIES.</p>
  <p>After that was finished, the old crone hovered to the door. One leg at a time, her legs placed themselves on the floor rather like landing gear before she opened the door.</p>
  <p>"Now, children! Find your partner!" She instructed.</p>
  <p>As the children left the room they saw many adults waiting out in the hallways. A ninja, a vet, a doctor, several business men and pencil pushers, a fireman, a sumo wrestler, an Avon lady saleswoman, a plumber, a nasty-looking person with black hair who was kind of hunched over and looked like a homicidal maniac, Steve Ressel…OOH, who had Steve Ressel?</p>
  <p>"What's the matter with your neck, Zim?" Dib asked as Zim scratched his neck again. "Some kind of alien spore?"</p>
  <p>" Of <strong>course</strong> not!" Zim snapped. "How do you people put it? Mind your own beeswax…ooh, your hateful BEES!" He hissed.</p>
  <p>It was then that a McMeaties employee walked up to Zim, with a burger hat upon his head, a band aid on his cheek, an name tag that read "Simon" and a zit on his face.</p>
  <p>"Where can I find Zim?" He asked the two kids.</p>
  <p>"I am Zim! Take me to the <em><strong>meat</strong></em>!" Zim demanded.</p>
  <p>Simon sniffled slightly. "Oh, you're not ready for meat preparation yet. We start with the French fries. When we get promoted, we work with meat!"</p>
  <p>Dib smirked proudly. "Looks like I'll be getting teamed up with a respected paranormal investigator, Zim! He's sure to see through your pitiful disguise! And then we'll take you back to his secret lab! And then we'll perform all kinds of tests on you, horrible tests!" He then grinned cheerfully and waved. "See ya!"</p>
  <p>Zim gulped, then looked up at Simon. "Let's talk more about these... promotions." He inquired.</p>
  <p>"Not now, my break's almost over!" Simon said, leading him away.</p>
  <p>Dib looked around the hallway and saw that, interestingly enough, Gaz had been partnered with a studio guard from their father's studios…</p>
  <p>"No, I'm not your partner. He's waiting for you down the hall."</p>
  <p>She WASN'T with him? Then who WAS she partnered with?</p>
  <p>Then Dib heard somebody use his name and looked upwards to see a man in sunglasses with dark hair, boots and a fancy suit.</p>
  <p>"Your name Dib?" The man asked, his voice very soft and secretive.</p>
  <p>"Yes." Dib nodded.</p>
  <p>The man nodded. "Call me…Bill."</p>
  <p>Dib grinned. So THIS was his partner! "I've got something to show you! There's an actual alien in my class and I have-"</p>
  <p>Bill shook his head. "Slow down, little man. Today, you're going to see things that are going to change the way you look at the world. Keep your eyes and your mind open." He said, tapping his head.</p>
  <p>Dib tilted his head to the side. "I dunno, my head is preeeetty open." He said as he followed Bill out of the school. "I just wanna-"</p>
  <p>Bill held a hand up. "No more talking! Let's roll!" He snapped.</p>
  <p>A small black car pulled up with tinted windows at the front. There…wasn't a driver. Odd. The doors opened on their won account, which was interesting, and Bill got in the front seat while Dib got in "shotgun" as the car took off, passing by, of all places…</p>
  <p>"Here we are! McMeaties!" Simon remarked. Zim had been riding on his back and looked up at the McMeaties sign that read "8 Billion Served"…well, it SHOULD have said "served", only the D was hanging off. Naturally, being the sort of person he was, Zim came to one conclusion.</p>
  <p>"8 billion! That is more than the entire population! And they all serve this "McMeaties"?" He grinned and rubbed his hands together, not noticing that the stuff on his neck was getting worse. "If I rule McMeaties... I rule the world!" He proclaimed.</p>
  <p>Soon, Zim was being instructed on how to make fries…and he now wore a burger hat atop his head.</p>
  <p>"The thing is, you wanna be very careful not to touch any of the grease 'cause it's kind of hot" Simon said.</p>
  <p>Simon then lifted a tray of fries from the boiling grease, moving it to the counter top. "And THEN you add the meat-seasoning." He told Zim, pouring a shaker that read "meat seasoning" on the side of it, dispensing pinkish/purple seasoning onto it.</p>
  <p>"FASCINATING." Zim lied. "And once I've mastered French Fries, what is the next promotion?" He inquired.</p>
  <p>"After fries, you get to work the grill." Simon said, turning around and gesturing towards the grill.</p>
  <p>"So then…" Zim rubbed his chin. "How many promotions until I'm, say, ruler of the planet?"</p>
  <p>Simon thought about it. "…I'd say about four."</p>
  <p>Zim scratched the bumps on his neck as he looked over the fries, not noticing that some green pus was dripping down from the bumps onto them…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>… "ROWR!"</p>
  <p>"YIPE!"</p>
  <p>"QUAAACK!"</p>
  <p>Bill drove through a country road, continuing to speak his spiel to Dib, who looked less-than-enthusiastic…and the cries of animals followed by nasty "bumps" confirmed Dib's theory that Bill was running over lots of farm animals and paying less attention to the road and more to the words that were coming out of his mouth.</p>
  <p>"So you see the corporations are behind a LOT of the conspiracies, but the GOVERNMENT…" Bills eyes seemed to light up behind his sunglasses. "They're just one big conspiracy! And all led by Fox Ne-'</p>
  <p>Then Dib held up some folders that he'd noticed in the backseat. "What are these?"</p>
  <p>"Oh, those are case files!" Bill explained.</p>
  <p>"HEEE-HAAAAWW!"</p>
  <p>"I brought them along to show you the difference between SERIOUS paranormal disturbances and the frauds. The first file's filled with real ones. The second ones are bunk." Bill went on. "You know, I got a feeling this is going to be a good day for us!"</p>
  <p>SCHA-BONK!</p>
  <p>"MOOOOOO!"</p>
  <p>"…congratulations, you just ran over a COW." Dib muttered. Sighing, he looked through the case file that said "CHUMS" on the front, going to the back of the second file and moving his way upward. Hmm. Psychic lawn gnomes? Vampire Lemurs? FRANKENCHOKEY?</p>
  <p>"What the heck is "Frankenchokey"?"Dib muttered. He went on. Bigfoot had an x through it…odd. Then the second one showed ghosts…that had an X thorugh it. And dinosaurs were crossed off…</p>
  <p>"You filed them wrong!" Dib said in an exasperated tone. "You've got Big Foot and Dinosaurs in with this fake stuff like VAMPIRE LEMURS!"</p>
  <p>"You think those things are real? That's exactly what they want you to believe!" Bill snapped back, turning his head as the sound of a squeal indicated he'd hit a pig.</p>
  <p>"That's what <strong>who</strong> wants me to believe?" Dib asked.</p>
  <p>"EXACTLY." Bill remarked.</p>
  <p>Dib groaned and went to the next file. Now THIS looked interesting. "Galactic Equinox…molt phenomenon."</p>
  <p>"What's this?" Dib asked, holding it up. Bill smiled wistfully. "Heh. The galactic equinox theory. At 5 o'clock tonight, the planets of all the galaxies are going to be perfectly lined up. My colleagues believe that this will cause all the aliens that are living off their own planet to go through a hideous molt for a few seconds. Don't read that garbage." Bill responded, shaking his head.</p>
  <p>But Dib's eyes went wide. "That rash on Zim's neck! We've got to get to McMeaties, I know where there's an alien and he's going through the molt right now! It's our chance to prove that there's-"</p>
  <p>"Shhh. We're here." Bill said, putting his finger to his lip. He pulled to a field of corn where there was a crop circle.</p>
  <p>"A crop circle?" Dib remarked, looking very disappointed.</p>
  <p>Bill smiled happily as he held his arms out to show it off to Dib. "Beautiful, isn't it? It's a message from creatures much more intelligent than us! Space beings who have traveled millions of light years to say <em><span>something</span></em>, but what does it mean?"</p>
  <p>Dib sighed. "I think this one's a fake." He remarked.</p>
  <p>Bill hunched over, fingers curling up like claws in anger. "You're one of those skeptics, aren't you? Always questioning, always picking away at my theories! One day you'll see that-"</p>
  <p>Dib pointed to the side at a cow, which was rolling around in the field, making ANOTHER crop circle.</p>
  <p>"NOW can we go to McMeaties please?" He asked quietly.</p>
  <p>Meanwhile, Zim was manning the Meat Shake machine, pulling on a lever and letting liquefied meat slide into a cup…the rash on his neck had gotten MUCH worse. He tried to ignore the stinging sensation as little Olivia tugged on her dad's shirt behind the counter.</p>
  <p>"Need…PORK…daddy!" Olivia begged. Zim groaned in annoyance. This reminded him too much of his brief stay as a food service drone on FoodCourtia!</p>
  <p><em>You'll have to tell me about that sometime.</em> The narrator asked him inside his head.</p>
  <p>
    <em>"Why should I?"</em>
  </p>
  <p>Because I asked nicely?</p>
  <p><strong>Damn</strong> it. His logic was flawless as always!</p>
  <p>Then that girl's dad slammed his fist on the counter. "Come on, we're in a hurry here! We have to make it to the observatory by five so we can watch the galactic equinox!"</p>
  <p>Zim had been on his way to the counter with the shake, but upon hearing what the father had said, his eyes went wide. "The equinox is <em><strong>tonight</strong></em>!?"</p>
  <p>The girl's father nodded as he took his shake. "Yeah ha, uh huh, ah ha, hmmm mmm, uh huh, hmmm mmm, yeah ha."</p>
  <p>Zim felt the bumps on his neck and quivered in fear. OH…NOOOO…</p>
  <p>"NO…NOOOO! The <strong>molt</strong>!" He whispered in a frightened tone.</p>
  <p>Zim quickly ran to Simon, who was sweeping up behind the counter. "I have to go home!" He shouted, tugging on Simon's shirt.</p>
  <p>Simon frowned slightly. "Sorry, but if you take off, it'll be in your file forever, and you'll never get promoted!"</p>
  <p>Zim turned away, clenching his claws in desperation. "I've come too far to give up NOW!" He hissed. "I must not upset McMeaties. So CLOOOSE to promotions…" He turned back to Simon. "But I need to take a break at 5 o'clock!"</p>
  <p>Simon scratched at his zit. "You're gonna have to talk to the shift captain about that…" He said, pointing at the shift captain who leaned against the counter top, grunting.</p>
  <p>ELSEWHERE…</p>
  <p>Bill was examining cow with a strange device which still kept rolling around. By now, Dib was REALLY annoyed and bored, looking up at a billboard for "Count Cocofang" cereal. The brown-haired, brown-cape-wearing vampire spokesperson for the cereal was saying "I vant to suck your fudge". Groaning, Dib looked at his watch.</p>
  <p>"It's 4:45, if we hurry we can make it!" Dib exclaimed.</p>
  <p>"Hmm…aliens must be controlling the cow." Bill remarked as he examined the cow further.</p>
  <p>Dib glared at him. "That is not a supernatural cow! This is ridiculous! You believe in all the stupidest things, when <strong>real proof</strong> is <strong>right under your nose!</strong>" He yelled, tearing at his hair.</p>
  <p>He glanced at the billboard and sighed. "I bet you'd listen to me if I was talking about, oh I don't know..." He rolled his eyes. "Count Cocofang."</p>
  <p>Bill gasped, spinning around and looking intently at Dib. "What do you know about Count Cocofang?!" He shouted.</p>
  <p>Dib blinked, then smiled, getting an idea. "That he's…going to be at McMeaties at 5'o'clock…"</p>
  <p>Bill pointed at the sky. "5?! We haven't got much time! LET'S ROLL!" He shouted as the car pulled up to him and Dib by itself again. Quickly getting inside, Bill raced down the road, a determined glint on his sunglasses.</p>
  <p>"I've been following the Cocofang case for years. Everybody thinks he's made-up, but he's not. Once I catch him, the world will know what I've known all along!" Bill went on, running over cats and dogs. "Count Cocofang is an actual vampire, just as Frankenchokey is an actual franken... <em>thing</em>!"</p>
  <p>Dib stuck his head out the window as they came closer and closer to McMeaties, a happy and giddy smile on his face.</p>
  <p>"We're almost there! That's it, Zim! Your alien infiltration stops here!" He hissed.</p>
  <p>Across the street from McMeaties was "Bun's Market", and a banner that read "Meet Count Cocofang" was stretched across the front of the market and a man dressed up as Cocofang, complete with fake vampire teeth, a cape and a ridiculous-looking hairstyle, was signing autographs for children.</p>
  <p>"Oh NO!" Dib gasped in horror, tugging at his face.</p>
  <p>"Bluuuuh! Eat Cocosplodies!" The count said, making a pose as the school children cheered happily.</p>
  <p>Bill popped his head out of the window and pulled the car over. "THERE HE IS!" He shouted.</p>
  <p>"AAA! Wait, he's not a REAL vampire!" Dib exclaimed. "We gotta catch the alien-"</p>
  <p>Unfortunately Bill was "in the zone". He dragged Dib along with him, pulling the kid by his arm past the line of people waiting to get autographs. An angry Billy Slunchy looked at Bill.</p>
  <p>"HEY! No cutting in the line!" He remarked.</p>
  <p>But Bill just shoved Billy into a pile of mud, letting go of Dib and pointed accusingly at "Count Cocofang".</p>
  <p>"We finally meet, Count Cocofang!"</p>
  <p>"Uh, the line starts back there…" The count said, pointing at the back of the line, looking confused.</p>
  <p>Bill pulled out a stake, grinning evilly as Dib gasped. "WAIT! It's just a guy in a vampire suit!" Dib exclaimed, sliding in front of the count, arms held out.</p>
  <p>Bill, however, was already in a fighting stance and ready to stake some evil as purple lightning split the sky, making him look VERY impressive for a guy who was off his nut. "Come on, Fang! <strong>Let's dance!</strong>"</p>
  <p>Screaming, the count ran off. Grabbing Dib by the arm and dragging him along, Bill chased after him…</p>
  <p>Meanwhile, Zim was nervously watching the clock, his face bulbous and COVERED in bumps. He looked DISGUSTING…one bulb was the side of a baseball…another was bigger than his fist. He sweated nervously as he watched the clock…in a few moments he would be completely exposed!</p>
  <p>"Hey! Some guys are chasing after Cocofang!" Simon said, leading the other customers to the window to watch as Bill and Count Cocofang ran around and around, while Dib groaned as he was dragged along the ground.</p>
  <p>And then it happened. The planet's aligned, glowing bright gold as Zim's body shone for a moment and then…</p>
  <p>BOINK. He appeared to be completely back to normal. The bumps were gone. He breathed a sigh of relief. "PHEW."</p>
  <p>Then it happened. The molt began. His face became a disgusting, oozing blob-like mas of pulsing green as veins stuck out over them. The blobbish mass shot out, slamming into the customers and pushing them against the window before at last the window exploded. Oozing with green pus, the blobbish mass that was Zim's face extended out the drive-through window and onto a woman waiting for her order in her car as Zim gasped horridly…the blobbish mess was even going out the pipes at the top of the roof.</p>
  <p>Luckily, Count Cocofang had grabbed ahold of a tanker and was riding away to safety. Bill clenched his fist and shook it angrily at the "vampire".</p>
  <p>"I'll get you, Faaaang!" He howled. Dib looked to the side at McMeaties and tugged at his face, seeing that the molt was already occurring.</p>
  <p>"Noooooooo!" He howled. Then…it happened. It was not 5:0<strong>1</strong>. In an instant the blob retracted back into Zim and Dib, frowning angrily, looked at McMeaties as Bill approached him from behind, breathing heavily.</p>
  <p>"I know, little man. I feel your pain. But one day, we'll catch him. One day we'll catch... the Fang."</p>
  <p>"You <strong>jerk</strong>." Dib muttered hatefully, walking off to head home.</p>
  <p>Inside the McMeaties, there was pus EVERYWHERE. One customer who was attached to the remnants of the store window was sliding down it, while others were trying to swim their way to the top of it. The green pus dripped down onto the customers and the COMPLETELY covered shift captain turned towards Zim, frowning as he folded his arms.</p>
  <p>"You're FIRED." He snapped.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>… "I don't EVER want to talk about this day again." Zim muttered as he walked down the sidewalk to his house. "So I'd appreciate it, hair-beast, if you never mentioned to ANYONE what just happened to me!"</p>
  <p>"Oh that's no problem." Nick said as he walked alongside of Zim. "It's not like Gaz is going to want to talk about her day with her dad…you know, actually, I found out that when Ms. Bitters took the test…it said she was meant to be a teacher."</p>
  <p>"THAT'S interesting. Anything else I should know?" Zim mumbled.</p>
  <p>"Only that every single week I spend with you is now becoming the <span>new</span> most disgusting week of my life." Nick added.</p>
  <p>
    <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>Figured out what the machine does now? GOOD. And please review!</strong>
  </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Battle Dib</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>
    <em>She hates it when her brother is successful! She will destroy him! You bet she will destroy him...and if she can hurt him, well she may as well!</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>BATTLE-DIB</strong>
  </p>
  <p>Gaz looked over the "Tour Guide Barbie" she had in her hands. "Let's see…this silver purse will match her outfit perfectly." She remarked, putting a purse on the Barbie girl. "And maybe…yes, a ponytail would work great!" She fixed up Barbie's hair, then added a touch of lipstick to the doll.</p>
  <p>"I can't believe some people think that dolls are just for girly-girls." Gaz thought out loud as she held "Tour Guide Barbie" up…</p>
  <p>And strapped firecrackers to her. She then let the fuse and stepped back as the rocket began to rise into the air, with "Firecracker Barbie" still attached. "Say your PRAYERS, Barbie!" Gaz whispered evilly.</p>
  <p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
  <p>Dib was in a hurry. Panting heavily, he tore down the sidewalk, running up to a HUGE dark blue and steel building that was the main studios/laboratory of his father, Prof. Mathew Membrane. He ran up to the front door, by a guard who was standing watch. Dib looked up at him, holding onto a briefcase that had a big eyeball on the front of it…the symbol of the "Swollen Eyeball" network that Dib belonged to as "Agent Mothman".</p>
  <p>The guard looked down at him and frowned, getting into a defensive position, holding up a taser stick that glowed blue.</p>
  <p>"Woah! Woah! Audience try-outs are on the other side of the building!" The guard insisted.</p>
  <p>Dib panted out "I have to get in to see Professor Membrane!" and tried to catch his breath. Unfortunately the guard just zapped him twice with the taser and Dib was knocked onto his butt, groaning.</p>
  <p>"Nobody gets in to see Professor Membrane without a security clearance!" The guard insisted.</p>
  <p>"You don't get it! He's my DAD!" Dib insisted.</p>
  <p>ANOTHER shock! "YEEOOW! Really, I NEED him to sign this!" Dib begged.</p>
  <p>KRZAAAAP!</p>
  <p>"Will you cut that out!" Dib insisted. "If I don't get him to sign this…" Dib took out a permission slip out of his jacket and waved it in the air. "THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT WILL BE DESTROYED!"</p>
  <p>The guard rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, explain it to me."</p>
  <p>"Okay…it all started this morning…"</p>
  <p>THAT MORNING…</p>
  <p>Dib was inside his dark-blue-painted room, his briefcase lying on his cluttered desk. It was open and displaying a 3-D, rotating holographic projection of Zim's head, sans disguise. Dib's laptop monitor displayed a dark, glowing-eyed silhouette of an agent from the "Swollen Eyeball" Network, a special organization devoted to the paranormal.</p>
  <p>Agent Darkbootie nodded at Dib and spoke. "Agent Mothman, your fellow Swollen Eyeball members agree to see this presentation of yours at 8:00 sharp tonight. But you will need a signed permission slip to attend tonight's meeting."</p>
  <p>Dib frowned, then folded his arms. "Are you kidding? I need my <em><strong>dad's</strong></em> permission to save the world?" He asked.</p>
  <p>Agent Darkbootie nodded. "Yes. Yes you do. And DON'T try faking a signature either. The paper is programmed to explode in just such an event!"</p>
  <p>With that, Darkbootie signed out and Dib sighed, turning to his brief case , looking it over. "Well…they at least gave me this chance to present my findings on Zim. I can't mess this up!" He proclaimed before he closed the suitcase with a mighty SNAP. He pointed into the sky and a heroic resolved filled him. <strong>"Mankind depends on it!"</strong></p>
  <p>PRESENT…</p>
  <p>Dib lowered his hand. "And that's what happened."</p>
  <p>KRZAAAAP!</p>
  <p>"AAA! Don't tase me, bro!" Dib shouted.</p>
  <p>Then Gaz walked up from behind Dib, looking at him as he smoked slightly.</p>
  <p>"Gaz! What are you doing here?" Dib asked, turning to her.</p>
  <p>What indeed! You see, it ALSO started that morning…</p>
  <p>Gaz had been in the living room, finishing up some breakfast pizza as Dib walked into the living room, looking over his stuff for the presentation. "I can't believe I don't have hand cuffs to lock this thing to my wrist! Okay, checklist. Brief case, permission slip, extra copy of permission slip just in case... I think that's it." He remarked, nodding, heading for the door.</p>
  <p>Rolling her eyes, Gaz held up the last slice of pizza and was about to eat it when Dib popped up next to her and grabbed it. "Oh yeah! Thanks, Gaz! I don't wanna starve to death while I'm saving the Earth!"</p>
  <p>With that, he headed off, chewing greasy goodness. Gaz began to hyperventilate, her eyes popping open, shaking like a Polaroid picture! The world became dark around her as angry, frowning faces swirled around Gaz as she clenched her fist and raised it in the air. "Let it be known that from this day, until the end of the day, vengeance will be <span>mine</span>! Dib, you will not know the meaning of peace, <strong>for I shall rain misery down upon your pizza stealing heart!</strong>" She roared, one eye twitching…</p>
  <p>PRESENT…</p>
  <p>"I thought I'd help you out." Gaz said, smiling sweetly, which should have told Dib that she was full of it.</p>
  <p>Dib looked like he was going to cry with gratitude. "<strong>Thank you</strong>, Gaz!" He said, beaming as he stood up and dusted himself off, turning to the guard. "It's about time somebody helped out. You'd think people would be a little more eager to help fight off an invading alien swarm!"</p>
  <p>What he DIDN'T see was Gaz was making the "CRAZY" gesture with her finger, swirling it around at her head for only the guard to see.</p>
  <p>"Now if you would just show me to the-"</p>
  <p>The guard shocked him. AGAIN.</p>
  <p>"YEEEOOOW!" Dib howled, hitting the ground again.</p>
  <p>"Professor Membrane is shooting his show right now!" The guard insisted. "The only way you get to see him is if you make it into the audience!"</p>
  <p>"But he's my <span>dad</span>!" Dib snapped.</p>
  <p>"Other side of the building!" The guard snapped back, shocking Dib AGAIN. With that, a huge metallic tube suddenly shot out of the building, positioning itself over Dib and sucking him and the brief case up as the guard rolled his eyes. "Sheesh, fan boys these days!"</p>
  <p>Dib fell out the other end of the tube, landing inside a desk that was inside a room that was a <strong>lot</strong> like a classroom. There were dozens of people filling out a test of some kind…</p>
  <p>BOINK!</p>
  <p>"OW!" Dib rubbed his head…the suitcase had bonked him on the head after coming out of the tube. What was going on?"</p>
  <p>It was then that a blue robot with a piece of paper in one claw, a big, red mechanical eye and a pencil in the other claw came over to him, floating in the air.</p>
  <p>"This is the Professor Membrane audience admissions exam." The robot said, handing him the paper and pencil.</p>
  <p>Dib looked incredulously at it. "You need to take an exam to be in the audience?" He asked.</p>
  <p>"This exam will test your knowledge of science, math, and the personal history of Professor Membrane." The robot remarked.</p>
  <p>Dib looked at the first question, blinking at it. "Okay, HOW am I supposed to know what Dad's first sentient thought was?"</p>
  <p>"It was, "I will poop now"." Gaz said, sitting right behind Dib. Dib turned around, blinking in surprise. Gaz held up a blue book with Prof. Membrane on the front and the words "I, Membrane". "It's here in his autobiography!" She explained.</p>
  <p>A Professor Membrane fanatic wearing Membrane merchandise sitting behind Gaz looks over Gaz's shoulder.</p>
  <p>A HUGE fanatic of Prof. Membrane wearing a hat with him on the front, a T-SHIRT of him and even SHOES with him on the sides shook her head over and over ."Heh-heh, that's not it, it's-"</p>
  <p>SCHWACK! Gaz smacked her out of her chair with a single strike to the face. Dib blinked.</p>
  <p>"Wait, how the heck did you even get IN here?"</p>
  <p>"I took the staff entrance." She remarked.</p>
  <p>"There's a staff entrance?" Dib asked, but Gaz just shrugged. Dib groaned and turned back to the paper. "FINE, maybe I don't know anything about Dad's first poop, but I can beat this test with my superior knowledge of SCIENCE!"</p>
  <p>As Dib began to work on the paper, Gaz looked over his shoulder, shaking her head. Poor, poor, insane Dib. Trying to ignore her, Dib continued to write…and write…and WRITE! Soon he was getting bored and his eyes drifted over to his left…but Gaz suddenly popped up in his field of vision, keeping him from cheating. Dib nervously looked at her before turning away, then looking at a very fat, blond man that…hey, was that Chris FARLEY?! To his right? Oh my GOD, he was a huge-</p>
  <p>Dib blocked his view again, popping down from the ceiling. Dib blinked, wondering HOW she was able to just hover in the air like that, then got back to working on the test. A few moments later, the fanatic who had been whacked by Gaz before was approached by the robot that had given everyone the test. It grabbed the test from her hands and slipped it into a slot at the top of it's head. "94 percent." It announced. "Your score is..."</p>
  <p>The fanatic looked eager for an answer. Then…</p>
  <p>"UNACCEPTABLE!" The robot snapped.</p>
  <p>The fanatic, screaming all, the way, was slid backwards into the wall, into an open set of doors that led to a dark chamber. A moment later the doors closed up. The word "REJECT" was written at the top of the door and Dib gulped in nervousness as the robot took his test.</p>
  <p>"Evaluating... 94.1 percent."</p>
  <p>Dib gasped, gripping his desk in fear. But then…</p>
  <p>"Your score is... ACCEPTABLE! Congratulations!</p>
  <p>Confetti sprayed over him as a little kazoo-led tune was played by the robot. Dib rolled his eyes ."Okay, that was annoying," he said as he grabbed his suitcase. " But at least it was-"</p>
  <p>The tube lowered over his head again. "EAAASYYYYYYYYYY!"</p>
  <p>TWHOOP!</p>
  <p>Now he was located inside of a HUGE battle arena with little light. There was a massive, chain-link dome all around him and he was wearing a blue and grey battle suit. A mechanical arm placed a helmet on Dib's head while another placed a disk-shaped marker on his chest as a light shone onto him.</p>
  <p>"Welcome to the audience admissions test, round two!"</p>
  <p>"Round TWO?" Dib gulped as he turned around to see Gaz.</p>
  <p>"Staff entrance." She said again.</p>
  <p>A bundle of speakers outside the dome spoke the announcer's voice once again. "Junior scientist, choose your science tool!"</p>
  <p>The floor opened and a table shot up, with a group of HUGE tools placed on said table. "Tongs, a dropper, a cork-screw, a nail file…NAIL FILE? THAT'S a science tool?" Dib wondered out loud.</p>
  <p>Dib chose the dropper as the table sank back into the ground. "Now, let the battle begin!"</p>
  <p>Dib blinked. "BATTLE?!"</p>
  <p>BA-BOOOOOM!</p>
  <p>A HUGE kid who looked a lot like an ogre, complete with a big set of teeth, a kind of bumpy head and a nasty glint in his eyes peered at Dib as he clutched onto a HUGE q-tip.</p>
  <p>"Feel the power of Shunk Wugga!" Shunk Wugga snarled.</p>
  <p>
    <em>Wow, his head is even bigger than YOURS!</em>
  </p>
  <p>Dib did the most rational thing any manly person would have done in the situation and screamed like a little girl, running away. In fact, he was so scared, he didn't even have time to scream "MY HEAD'S NOT BIG"…</p>
  <p>Unfortunately Shunk was faster than he looked and jumped through the air, whacking Dib to the ground and Dib gulped as he looked up into Shunk's drooling face.</p>
  <p>" Don't worry small friend. Shunk have plan. We end in tie we both go see show!" Shunk whispered.</p>
  <p>Dib smiled in relief. "<em>Really</em>? Okay, Shunk was it?" He extended his hand out to shake Shunk's hand, but…accidentally hit Shunk's point marker on his chest, which flashed.</p>
  <p>UH OH.</p>
  <p>"Point goes to contestant number one!" A score board on the wall showed Dib had "1" point now. Shunk gasped as Dib stepped back and buried his face in his hands. "ALL OF SHUNK'S DREAMS NOT COME TRUE NOWWWW!" He sobbed.</p>
  <p>Dib sat down on a seat against the wall, while Gaz was still standing behind the chain-link fencing of the dome, gripping onto it with her hands.</p>
  <p>"I'm not sure what kind of test this is, Gaz, but I seem to be doing okay!" He admitted.</p>
  <p>Gaz growled, leaving him alone and heading over to the other side of the arena as Shunk was sitting on his own bench, crying. "Little guy betray me! Shunk feel hurt like never before!"</p>
  <p>Gaz popped up behind Shunk's side of the chain-link dome, smirking.</p>
  <p>"You know, he says he could slice you...like a <strong>pizza</strong>! And your head is hideously misshapen." Gaz whispered, speaking her lying, lying lies!</p>
  <p>"NOOO!" Shunk gasped, eyes widening.</p>
  <p>The announcer spoke from the speakers one again. "Battle 2 of 3! Test your knowledge of combustion with <span>Pyrochaos</span>!</p>
  <p>Dib looked down as the piece of floor he was on soon became one of the few places he could STAND…now the whole floor was divided up into 18 tall platforms that stood above huge, swirling flames. A mechanical arm shot out from the wall, attaching a cable to Dib and Shunk's back, and then rise up to the top of the arena, vanishing. Dib held his head, getting a momentary lapse of vertigo and falling to the edge of the platform. He looked up into the sky, screaming the only thing he could think right now…</p>
  <p>"<strong>What does THIS have to do with science!?"</strong></p>
  <p>Standing back up, Dib gasped as Shunk leapt from platform to platform…aiming at HIM. Dib looked at the flames down below, then quickly tucked the brief case under his arm, clumsily jumping to one platform, then to another…</p>
  <p>Before he could get any further, Shunk had leapt onto the same platform he was on and quickly knocked the dropper he'd used in the first challenge right out of his hands with the massive q-tip he had. The dropper fell into the flames, bursting into a million pieces before melting into nothingness. Dib, not wanting to become the next "dropper", jumped into the air and dodged a swing of Shunk's q-tip, then leapt UP…flying across the arena!</p>
  <p>"Wow!" He remarked. "That was amazing!" He turned to the cable on his back. "These cables must increase my natural-AAA!"</p>
  <p>Shunk leapt at him and slammed his q-tip down…but it missed, hitting the platform instead, knocking a chunk of it down. Dib scrambled back as flames arose before him, and as they slowly lowered Shunk stood there, cocking the q-tip like it was a shotgun. He grabbed ahold of Dib by his ankle, twirled him around, then flung him straight through the air. Dib went flying, managing to bounce off the dome wall and fall down…down…DOWN…</p>
  <p>THWOOP! The cable attached to his back pulled him back onto a platform JUST before the flames rose up to fry him! Shunk tried to swing at Dib but missed once more, and Dib grabbed ahold of the dome wall, gasping and panting.</p>
  <p>"Come down!" The ogre-like kid demanded.</p>
  <p>"Nooooooo!" He moaned. "Stay back!"</p>
  <p>"Come down and face Shunk!"</p>
  <p>"NO!" Dib repeated.</p>
  <p>"SHUNK!" Shunk snarled, angrily clutching his q-tip.</p>
  <p>" How did you pass the verbal portion of the exam anyway?" Dib asked.</p>
  <p>"It's an unremarkable story, old bean." Shunk remarked, approaching the chain link wall and SHAKING it. Gaz happily smiled as Dib fell down…down…and landed on a platform right in front of Shunk, who slammed his q-tip down onto the marker on Dib's chest.</p>
  <p>BEEP!</p>
  <p>"Score goes to contestant 2. Let the tie breaker begin!" The announcer told them all.</p>
  <p>As the floor rose back up, Dib and Shunk returned to corners and sat down. Dib panted heavily, trying to catch his breath.</p>
  <p>"It may be time to change strategies." Dib thought out loud.</p>
  <p>"Yeah? Maybe I can help." Gaz said, popping up behind Dib again.</p>
  <p>"Great!" Dib said happily. "Tell Shunk I'm willing to reconsider his offer for a tie!"</p>
  <p>Gaz nodded, then popped up behind Shunk…</p>
  <p>"Dib says he wants you to explode and your head is still big!" She whispered.</p>
  <p>"Doctor say big head not mean anything bad!" Shunk said, almost looking like he was going to cry. "Shunk not bad! Shunk eat enemy!" He growled, drooling heavily.</p>
  <p><em>GAZOLINE MEMBRANE…</em> The narrator hissed as Gaz smirked, walking off.</p>
  <p>"Prepare for the final contest! Testing your knowledge of the insect world and cybernetic death machines, cyborarachnarama!" The announcer spoke.</p>
  <p>Dib looked confused. "Cyberachno? Spider robots? Do spiders <strong>have</strong> robots?"</p>
  <p>"CLAMS GOT FEET!" A clam shouted, running by the dome. The top of the arena opened and two spider bodysuits lowered from the ceiling. Dib was stuffed inside of his suit and now only his helmeted head stuck out. Spider legs extended from his and Shunk's now-mechanical body and both of them scrambled up separated sides of the chain-link dome…</p>
  <p>Shunk took the offensive immediately, jumping at Dib, who quickly stepped to the side and tried to scramble away. The two leapt from wall to wall, then finally shot towards each other, with Shunk getting a good strike, whacking Dib to one side of the chain link dome. Dib staggered back up…</p>
  <p>Only to be ensared by artificial spider webbing that Shunk shot out of his abdomen! Dib desperately shot his own webbing towards the ceiling and tried to hoist himself up as Shunk came closer and closer to the top of the webbing…</p>
  <p>"Hey, Shunk, how 'bout we do that tie thing now, eh?" Dib pleaded desperately.</p>
  <p>"Big head can go off and explode huh?" Shunk hissed. He cut the top of the webbing and Dib fell down…down…THAWHOOOM!</p>
  <p>He was shot out of his spider suit and now Shunk was stuck on his back. Dib stood up, dusting himself off.</p>
  <p>"See? It's a tie! This way we both win!" He said happily.</p>
  <p>Then Shunk did something unexpected…with a mighty HEAVE he broke out of the suit by force of body alone. It was a total "Hulk Smash" moment. Dib gaped as the ogre-like kid loomed over him.</p>
  <p>"Shunk DESTROYYYY!" Shunk roared.</p>
  <p>Dib looked like he was going to cry. He covered his head and…</p>
  <p>Shunk just tapped Dib's marker. BOINK!</p>
  <p>Dib looked down at his flashing marker as Shunk waved his hands in the air, waved 'em like he just didn't care.</p>
  <p>"The winner is Shunk Wugga!" The announcer spoke. Fireworks exploded in the air as Shunk did the "Electric Slide". "All losers leave the arena. <strong>Now</strong>." The announcer demanded.</p>
  <p>A gate opened in the arena and studio guards walked in towards Dib, growling. And guess who was at the front?</p>
  <p>"Oh, not YOU!" Dib groaned as he saw the front door guard. "<em><strong>Wait</strong></em>!" He begged. "I'm Doctor Membrane's son! Run a DNA test if you don't believe me!" He clutched his brief case to his chest. "You GOTTA believe me! The fate of the world depends on it!"</p>
  <p>Naturally, they didn't believe him. He was dragged, kicking and screaming, through the halls of the studio, past a clock.</p>
  <p>"Come on... listen... to me... lemme... oh NO!"</p>
  <p>It was only five minutes until 8:00. He screamed even louder. "NOOO! NOOO! YOU GOTTA LET ME GO!"</p>
  <p>Then they dragged him past Gaz, who was smirking proudly at Dib. Realizing that his sister had set him up, Dib resorted to begging.</p>
  <p>"Gaz! Help me! I'm sorry about your tacos or whatever, just help me!" He pleaded.</p>
  <p>Gaz simply smiled and waved goodbye to Dib, then turned her head to see…</p>
  <p>A box of pizza on a nearby table…</p>
  <p>With one…slice…left. Her eyes bulged, pupils widening. "Ooooooh." She whispered, going towards it.</p>
  <p>Dib then had a flash of inspiration. He opened up his brief case, pulling out one of the permission slips and turning to a guard.</p>
  <p>"Excuse me, do you have a pen?" He asked the door guard from before.</p>
  <p>"Oh, sure. Here you go." The door guard said, giving him one.</p>
  <p>PERFECT. Dib forged his dad's signature, pulling off a lousy cursive imitation on the line.</p>
  <p>"Forgery alert. This permission slip will self destruct in five seconds."</p>
  <p>The slip began to beep rapidly. Crumpling it up, Dib hurled it into the trash can nearby and…</p>
  <p>BUDDA-BOOOOM!</p>
  <p>It promptly exploded. All of the guards let go of Dib and turned to look at the exploded trash can, mouths forming perfect "o's" of surprise…</p>
  <p>And Dib RAN. Like the WIND.</p>
  <p>He rushed past Gaz, who had raised the slice to her mouth and she blinked. What the?</p>
  <p>"Watch out!" One guard called out. Turning around too late, one guard bumped into her and the pizza slice fell down to the floor in SLOOOOOW MOOOOTIIIOOOOON…</p>
  <p>Gaz reached out for it. "<span>Nooooooooo</span>-"</p>
  <p>SPLORCH! It hit the floor and bugs rushed to it, gobbling away at it's greasy goodness. Gaz clenched her fist as the narrator's laughter rung in her ears over and over…</p>
  <p>Meanwhile, Dib ran down a hallway filled with dressing rooms. His dad's HAD to be around here-</p>
  <p>THERE!</p>
  <p>Grabbing the other permission slip from his briefcase, Dib rushed inside the room to see his father, closing the door behind him.</p>
  <p>"You gotta sign this! For the sake of all mankind!" He insisted.</p>
  <p>Prof. Membrane turned around, shaking his head. "Now, now. I don't sign autographs backstage, little boy." He insisted.</p>
  <p>Dib looked MORTIFIED. Yes, he still had the battle suit on, but couldn't his own father tell it was HIM? "<em>Little boy</em>? Dad, I'm your-"</p>
  <p>The guards burst through the door and grabbed ahold of Dib, tugging him away.</p>
  <p>"Noooooo! Planet Earth, doooomed!" Dib sobbed.</p>
  <p>Inside the dressing room, Prof. Membrane looked down at the permission slip, blinking…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…BOOM! Dib was hurled into a trash can in a back alley behind the studios. "You're getting off EASY! Next time, we'll call your parents! <strong>Or</strong> legal guardian!" The guards snapped, closing the door.</p>
  <p>Dib hung his head, shaking it. "This is awful. When the aliens have come and we're all slaves to their alien evil, will the world ever know how hard I tried?" He wondered, looking up at the sky. "Will they? Huh? Huh?"</p>
  <p><em>Actually, I've got some good news for you, Dib! </em>The narrator spoke. <em>Count to two. One...</em></p>
  <p>Then…the door opened again, and the door guard from before handed Dib the permission slip.</p>
  <p>"Oh yeah, almost forgot…Professor autographed this for ya."</p>
  <p>Closing the door, the door guard returned to his duties as Dib held the slip in his hand.</p>
  <p>
    <em>
      <strong>I've got a golden ticket…</strong>
    </em>
  </p>
  <p>"My permission slip…" He whispered, breaking into a big grin. "I can give my presentation! I did it! the world is saved!" He cried.</p>
  <p>
    <em>
      <strong>I've got a golden chance to make my way!<br/>And with a golden ticket, it's a gooooolden daaaaay!</strong>
    </em>
  </p>
  <p>AND SO…</p>
  <p>Dib walked onto the stage at the Swollen Eyeball meeting chamber, which was located tonight at Town Hall. Two holo-vid monitor screens hovering behind him showed the eyeball insignia as Dib approached the podium, looking at the throngs of people in the audience</p>
  <p>Dib swelled with pride as he spoke. "My fellow Eyeballs. I won't make you wait any longer. What you are about to hear and see will... um... will..." He glanced around, realizing he'd forgotten something VERY important…</p>
  <p>He'd left…the briefcase…in the alley. Turning his head to look out a window, he saw a spooky-looking Chihuahua dragging the brief case past the window and down a sidewalk.</p>
  <p>"…er…could we reschedule this?" Dib asked quietly.</p>
  <p>
    <strong>
      <em>And with a golden ticket, it's a gooooooooooooldeeeeeeen...</em>
    </strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>
      <em>Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!</em>
    </strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>Well, that was lovely! Also, brownie points for anybody who figures out what comic strip the "Clams got feet" joke comes from. And review so Gaz can continue to blow up Barbie Dolls!</strong>
  </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. The Return of Keef</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>
    <em>Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't weee be friends, why can't weeee be friends?</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>THE RETURN OF KEEF!</strong>
  </p>
  <p>RIIIING!</p>
  <p>RIIIIIIING!</p>
  <p>Nick groaned as he opened the front door, in a big, green bathrobe. Blinking at the sight before him, the first coherent thought that came to his mind and to his lips were...</p>
  <p>"Jhonen, why are you a pimp?"</p>
  <p>Jhonen stood there, with tinted blue glasses, a big, fuzzy white coat, a cap tilted to the side, a fancy-looking tie and brown loafers and a studded belt with diamonds on the front. He grinned evilly. "I'm no starving artist anymore." He said. "This hooker dropped her keys to her apartment and you wouldn't BELIEVE the things I found in there!"</p>
  <p>He handed Nick a whip. "Here! Consider it a souvenir. I've got 3000 bucks in my pocket and I intend to take a vacation!"</p>
  <p>As he walked off, Nick couldn't help but feel nervous about all of this. He only hoped that this wouldn't come back to haunt Jhonen at a later time...</p>
  <p>...</p>
  <p>...</p>
  <p>...</p>
  <p>...Due to El Nino, there was not going to be a "White Christmas", sadly. This depressed Dib a little, because he had wanted to bean Zim in the head with a snowball. Several dozen of them actually. Yes, curse El Nino, which is in no way a desperate "Deus Ex Machina" on part of the author to explain why there's no snow around here! Yep. Certainly not a plot hole or nothing.</p>
  <p>…stop looking at me like that! Look at Dib!</p>
  <p>Yes, Dib. It was an ordinary school day on the playground for most of the children…Dib, however, had NEVER been most of the children. He was currently hiding behind a surprisingly-thick-for-a-playground tree while holding onto a notepad in one hand and scribbling down observations onto it. Finishing up one thought, he took out a tape recorder and held it to his mouth as he looked at a kid with golden eyes and an unusually hairy body.</p>
  <p>"Subject: Woozly. Birthplace: London. I am investigating him to determine if he is a possible werewolf." Dib said into his recorder as Woozly swung around the monkey bars. "He's got even more hair than the na-"</p>
  <p>SPLOOOSH!</p>
  <p>"AAAAYYYYEEEEEE!" He shot up, flailing his arms around as a blue liquid seeped into his clothes. Dropping his stuff, he whipped around to see a beaming Zim was looking at him, holding up an empty bucket.</p>
  <p>"Ha-HA!" Zim laughed. "Prepare for the end, filthy HUMAN! You've just been splashed with my most DIABOLICAL creation EVER!" He proclaimed.</p>
  <p>Dib's eyes went wide and he grabbed the sides of his head, sinking to his knees and squirming around. "AAARGH! IT BURNS! I'M MEEELLLTTIIIING!"</p>
  <p>Zim blinked. "Uh…wait…"</p>
  <p>"What a wooooooorrr-"</p>
  <p>"THAT'S NOT WHAT IT DOES." The Irken snapped.</p>
  <p>Dib stopped squirming and looked up. "Oh. Oh yeah! You're right, I'm NOT melting." He said, standing up. "So what DOES it do?"</p>
  <p>Zim got another gleefully evil look upon his face as he patted his chest proudly. "It causes anyone who gets incredibly happy to blow up!" He explaind. He then hunched over, rubbing his gloved claws and laughing. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!"</p>
  <p>Dib raised an eyebrow. "But I'm NEVER that happy." He remarked. "Especially when I'm covered in goo." He added, holding up one sopping-wet arm.</p>
  <p>Zim's face fell. He looked from his bucket to Dib, then back at the bucket, then back at Dib. "…You may have won the war, Dib, but you have not won the..." He tapped his lip, trying to think up something. "…The… thing bigger than war! I will create more happy popping juice and sneak up on you when you're happy!" He swore.</p>
  <p>"I won't be happy until YOU'RE destroyed!" Dib proclaimed, pointing up into the sky.</p>
  <p>Zim turned a dark green as he became flustered. "NEVER! You will NEVER destroy me! NEVEEERRR!" With that AND an angry shout for good measure, Zim stormed off while Dib smugly waved goodbye. Dib turned around and-</p>
  <p>"Wow, Dib you're so lucky to be friends with ZIM!"</p>
  <p>Came face…to face…with KEEF.</p>
  <p>"I was friends with ZIM once. Those were the best days of my life!" Keef told him.</p>
  <p>"Friends?" Dib blinked in surprise. "Um, actually…" He tried to explain. But then he saw the starry look in Keef's eyes and stopped.</p>
  <p>"Isn't he just the <strong>best</strong>?!" Keef asked dreamily, holding his head on his clasped hands.</p>
  <p>The Gay-Dar-Dan sprayed his breath with breath spray, positioned himself behind Keef and Dib, and stretched out one hand as he sang. "He's GAAAAAAAAAAAYY!" After reaching that long and passionate note, he promptly walked off, making Dib groan and roll his eyes.</p>
  <p>"Look Keef-" He mumbled.</p>
  <p>Then a lightbulb popped over his head. "…you know what?" He turned to Keef, grinning. "Zim IS the best. And I have something that'll make him really happy." He told Keef. "Wanna help?"</p>
  <p>Keef jumped up and down, clapping his hands. "Boy, DO I!? If I make him happy, ZIM might even let me come near him again without taking my organs out! YAY!"</p>
  <p>Ignoring that "organ" part, Dib smiled and led Keef over to his backpack, which was near the fence by the tree, taking out a headband with flashing red lights on it and giving it to Keef.</p>
  <p>"Here's all you have to do! Just take this Brain Rotter I developed, and put it on ZIM's head! Easy! Zim loves these." He remarked.</p>
  <p>Keef let out a shrill squeal of joy and snatched the Brain Rotter out of Dib's hands, running towards Zim as Dib smiled. "Such a nice kid." He thought out loud. "…he's gonna have one really short life if he keeps bothering Zim though…" He mused.</p>
  <p>Unfortunately, Keef accidentally ran into Zim and dropped the brain rotter, which clipped itself to Zim's BUTT.</p>
  <p>"YEEEK!" Zim gasped, leaping up two feet in the air…and coming back down in Keef's arms. Keef smiled at his former "bestest buddy" who blinked at him. "Hey buddy! It sure has been awhile, huh?"</p>
  <p>Zim plucked the device off, then glared at the smiling Keef…then he looked over Keef's shoulder and saw Dib hiding behind the tree…</p>
  <p>Dib held one hand up to his ear, listening. Where was the sound of brains rotting?</p>
  <p>What came instead was the sound of "WEEEEE". He looked up and Keef, who had been flung clear over the tree, crashed into him. Dib groaned and staggered onto his feet…</p>
  <p>CHA-POINK! Zim popped up from behind, clamping the Brain Rotter on DIB'S head.</p>
  <p>"ARGH! BRAINS...MELTING!" Dib howled, tugging at the Brain Rotter as he rolled around on the ground of the playground.</p>
  <p>Laughing so hard he was almost crying, Zim left Dib alone as Keef beamed.</p>
  <p>"WOW, look! He really IS happy!" Keef remarked.</p>
  <p>Dib managed to tug the Brain Rotter off and groaned in pain. Could this day get worse?</p>
  <p>ACTUALLY…</p>
  <p>… "WHAT THE?!"</p>
  <p>Dib had gone home to see his sister was watching TV in the living room…with KEEF!</p>
  <p>"Heya, pal!" Keef said happily to Dib, waving. He then turned to Gaz and said "That's my friend Dib!"</p>
  <p>Gaz growled at him.</p>
  <p>"Isn't he DREAMY?" Keef asked happily.</p>
  <p>"He's GAAAAAAAY!" Gay-Dar-Dan sang from outside on the curb.</p>
  <p>Blinking in amazement at how Keef was somehow able to beat HIM home, Dib then recollected himself and pulled Keef aside.</p>
  <p>"Um...Keef, look, I…I don't think us being friends is gonna work out. Go home, okay?" He asked.</p>
  <p>Keef shrugged. "Oh, okay Dib. I gotcha!"</p>
  <p>Smiling, Dib breathed a sigh of relief and headed up the stairs to his room. He flicked the light on and-</p>
  <p>"YEAAAARRGGGHH!" He screamed, eyes bugging out.</p>
  <p>Keef was sitting in a new, second bed with a bright yellow blanket and a big red pillow. Dib's posters had been turned into big smiley faces, his laptop had a "I Am Loved" sticker on it, his wallpaper had been turned blue with fluffy white clouds and a unicorn mobile was hanging over his bed. Keef put down the "Fillerbunny" comic book he was reading and smiled.</p>
  <p>"Welcome to your room Dib! All that dark, spooky stuff was making you sad." He remarked.</p>
  <p>Dib tore at his hair. "WHAT THE?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Dib howled.</p>
  <p>Keef frowned. " Aww... SOMEONE I know is GRUUUM-PEE!" He smiled so brightly the whole room lit up a moment later. "You get some rest so we can play with ZIM some more tomorrow!"</p>
  <p>Dib slapped his face and took a deep breath, trying to summon all his rationality back. "Zim and I are not friends Keef! I wouldn't be friends with him if he were the last person on Earth! And he's not even a person!"</p>
  <p>He then picked Keef up and opened the window.</p>
  <p>"Get OUT…of my ROOM!" He yelled, dropping Keef out the window and tossing all of the posters, stickers and bean bag chairs and whatnot onto him. Clapping his hands and nodding, Dib got back to work on changing his room to normal…</p>
  <p>Keef, meanwhile, had put one finger to his lip, eyes widening in shock. "ZIM and Dib aren't friends?" He thought about this for a moment…then beamed. "Then I'm going to MAKE them friends, and they'll be so happy, they'll like me even more!" He decided, clapping his hands happily and running off.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…GIR was sitting in the yard, holding a fishing rod as he sat in a chair. The end of the line was deep inside a sewer grate, and he was waiting calmly for a…</p>
  <p>"OOH!" He exclaimed as it began to tug. "I got a BIG one!"</p>
  <p>He tugged on it hard, then a three-clawed greenish hand shot up from the sewer grate, while a horrid, dark voice snarled out <strong>"THEY ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE!"</strong></p>
  <p>GIR's eyes went wide, and he let go of the fishing pole, which was sucked down into the grate. A moment later an "OW" was heard.</p>
  <p>Keef walked up to the house, seeing GIR and waving. "Hey, GIR!" He said happily.</p>
  <p>GIR's eyes lit up and he let out a happily joyous squeal of "Keef" as he hugged Keef.</p>
  <p>"I missed you too!" Keef said, hugging GIR right back. "But I need you to do something important! Can you tell Zim to invite Dib over to dinner?"</p>
  <p>GIR clutched his head in both hands, tilting the head back and forth. "I dunnoooooo." He said. Then he let out another squeal of insanity and started running around in a circle.</p>
  <p>"But GIR, it will make ZIM happy and you want him to be happy, right?"</p>
  <p>GIR bounced off the lawn, squealing before he leapt through the window with a CRASH…</p>
  <p>Then he came running out the front door and gave Keef a thumbs up. "Okey-dokey!" He said, running back inside the house.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>… "Invite my filthy nemesis to sup at ZIM's base?! Into MY base for foodening?!" Zim snarled, jabbing a claw in GIR's face as his face was a dark green blush of anger.</p>
  <p>"But he so niiiice!" GIR insisted. "You just gotta give Big-Head-Boy a chance! You just gotta open up his head and sleep in it like a squishy little bed."</p>
  <p><em>I think he means "Open up your heart". </em>Nick spoke up. <em>And if Dib's coming over, can I come too? I'll make cookiiiies! </em></p>
  <p>Zim frowned and scratched the side of his head. "WHAT?! Look, NO, GIR! Invite Dib over?! That's insane, even for YOU!" He exclaimed. GIR shrugged, walking off, and Zim rubbed his chin suspiciously. Something was up…</p>
  <p>Keef watched the whole thing through the window and sighed. "Oh well. I'll just think up something else!"</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>
    <strong>BGM: Super-Happy-Funtime Music</strong>
  </p>
  <p>The next day, Keef approached Zim's house and rang the doorbell. Zim opened the front door, in full diguise, and saw that Keef had a BUNCH of balloons in his hand that had "To Zim from Dib" on them. Frowning, Zim turned to the side and grabbed a vacuum, sucking up all the air from the balloons…</p>
  <p>FWOOOSH!</p>
  <p>And then blowing Keef clear across the cul-de-sac. He collided hard with Nick, who was on his bike and both of them fell into briar bushes.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>A recently-awakened Dib walked into his bathroom and rubbed his eyes, reaching for the toothbrush only to see…AAA! Zim was right behind him! Screaming, he staggered back, gripping his toothbrush and hoping to GOD he could sharpen it into a shiv in the ten seconds he had left to-</p>
  <p>SPLOOOSH!</p>
  <p>He fell butt first into the toilet. Blinking, he realized that it was a CUTOUT of Zim. The cutout even had a word balloon stuck to it that read "I sure do like you" with hearts dotting the "I's". Dib stood up from the toilet and looked outside as Keef giggled and ran away from his house.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>Zim and Dib eyed each othr as they walked in opposite directions down the hallway.</p>
  <p>"HMPH." Dib remarked, looking away.</p>
  <p>"HMPH." Zim muttered, looking away.</p>
  <p>Then they both noticed it was getting harder to walk…and then…</p>
  <p>THWA-WHUDDA!</p>
  <p>They collided, hard, back to back. Everyone laughed at the "Siamese Twins" as Keef beamed to see the two "sticking together". Dib and Zim looked inside their backpacks…okay, technically Zim's was just a PAK…and found magnets. Lots of 'em.</p>
  <p>"How did he stick these IN here?" Dib wondered.</p>
  <p>"KEEEEEEF!" Zim hissed, clenching his claws.</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>Dib was stargazing, looking through a telescope at a beautifully, distant planet. "Aahh…it's so CALM-LOOKING." Dib remarked. "Yep, good old Arcadia, right on schedule. And over THERE…" He turned his telescope down. "That's Sirius, right on schedule. Over THERE…"</p>
  <p>He lowered his telescope. "Nick and Kelsey at Make Out Point, right on schedule."</p>
  <p>Then he looked down a little bit more and saw…</p>
  <p>
    <strong>BGM: Theme from "Pyscho"</strong>
  </p>
  <p>KEEEEEEEEEEEEEF! COMING CLOSER! TO HIS HOUSE!</p>
  <p>"Oh no Keef, you're not getting anywhere near MY house!" Dib hissed, hiding behind his laptop. "Not with the security system I turned on and-"</p>
  <p>"HEY DIB!" Keef called out from his law, holding up a megaphone to his mouth, sounding even LOUDER than normal. "I've got news for you, Dib!" He then whispered the next bit. "TOP SECRET NEWS."</p>
  <p>Dib blinked, looking down at him. "Uh, Keef, don't your parents wonder where you are?"</p>
  <p>Keef let the megaphone fall to the side as he shrugged. "Yeah." He admitted, shrugging. Then he raised the megaphone back up. "Anyhow, the news is about Zim!"</p>
  <p>"I know, I know, he's a great guy…" Dib mumbled.</p>
  <p>Keef, still trying to be "sneaky", went on. ""That's true, but the news is he's ready to talk to you. He wants to admit to being a ghost or whatever!"</p>
  <p>Dib rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. "Oh he DOES, does he?" He inquired.</p>
  <p>"He sure does!" Keef said happily. "He's just bursting with wanting to-tell-you-ness. Are you bursting with to wanting-to-hear-it-ness?"</p>
  <p>"Yes. Yes, I am." Dib said flatly, face like stone.</p>
  <p>"Great. ZIM will meet you tomorrow night al 7:00 al McMeaties!" Keef said happily.</p>
  <p>Dib blinked. "Wait, The McMeaties on Maple street?" He asked.</p>
  <p>"No." Keef shook his head.</p>
  <p>"The one on Haverford?" Dib guessed.</p>
  <p>"Uh-uh."</p>
  <p>"The Greenbush one?"</p>
  <p>"Nope!" Keef said, giggling. "This is fun!"</p>
  <p>Dib's eye twitched. "No it ISN'T Keef! IT ISN'T FUN AT ALL! <strong>Which McMeaties?!</strong>" He howled.</p>
  <p>"The OTHER one on Maple." Keef remarked.</p>
  <p>Dib blinked. "…fine." He said quietly. "Fine!"</p>
  <p>Dib then pressed a few buttons on his laptop and a HUGE, mechanical ice-cream-scoop appeared, popping out of the rooftop, pistons firing. It tossed Keef clear through the air.</p>
  <p>"See ya buddy!" Keef cried out as he soared through the air…and whacked Nick clear in the face as he was biking back to his house, finished with the date he had with Kelsey.</p>
  <p>"No…no…NOOOOO!" Nick cried as he began to lose control of the bike and Keef swung around to cling to his back…</p>
  <p>CRA-CRASSSSH!</p>
  <p>He collided with a tree as Keef hopped off the bike and headed into his house. Nick groaned, peeling himself off the tree. "I've gotta stop biking during Dib and Zim's shenanigans!" He muttered, dusting himself off. "It's time to take drastic measures!"</p>
  <p>…</p>
  <p>Dib groaned as he lay on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. "How am I going to get RID of Keef?!" He wondered.</p>
  <p>DING-DONG!</p>
  <p>Dib went to the door and opened it up, seeing Nick was there, hands glowing orange as he gestured, and Zim floated into the room. He deposited Zim on the couch, shut the door, then turned to both Dib and Zim.</p>
  <p>"We need…to talk…" Nick said quietly, dangerously. "About KEEF."</p>
  <p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
  <p>Dib entered the McMeaties and looked around, trying to ignore the immense smell of double-bacon cheeseburgers and saw Zim was sitting in a nearby booth, looking very annoyed and unhappy, twiddling his "thumbs:. Dib walked up to him as GIR, sitting upon Zim's shoulder, was eating a big cinnamon swirl and dripping crumbs all over Zim. Sighing, Dib sat down across from Zim .</p>
  <p>The two of them nervously looked around, keenly aware they were being watched as GIR chewed loudly and proudly.</p>
  <p>"So…uh…here we are." Zim said quietly.</p>
  <p>"Yep. Keef says you wanted to tell me something." Dib said nervously.</p>
  <p>"Yes, yes. I sure do." Zim told Dib, nodding his head.</p>
  <p>"Isn't Keef just great?" Dib said robotically.</p>
  <p>Zim quickly looked over a script, then stuffed it back into his outfit. "Boy oh boy, yes...So, I'm an alien." He admitted.</p>
  <p>"Hmm…I…thought…so." Dib said, adjusting his second pair of glasses before he stuffed his own script into his pocket. "Well thanks for letting me know. Now we can be…" He gulped. "Friends forever…"</p>
  <p>The two squirmed nervously, then reached out and shook hands.</p>
  <p>BOING! Keef jumped out from behind Zim's side, beaming and jumping all around as he cheered. "I DID IT! You guys are friends now! YAY!"</p>
  <p>"That's right…" Dib muttered hatefully as he tried to crush Zim's hand in his own.</p>
  <p>"We sure ARE…" Zim hissed as he tried to crush DIB'S hand.</p>
  <p>"I knew it!" Keef said, bounding left and right as he cheered. "Now we can ALL be the best friends, and hang out all the time, and we can rent an apartment in the city, and get a car with three steering wheels and buy footy pajamas and-"</p>
  <p>Dib's eyes went wide. "Oh NO! He's reached the <em><strong>footy pajamas</strong></em> stage! Zim! NOW!"</p>
  <p>Zim quickly pulled out another bucket of happiness goo and splashed it all over Keef. "HA-HAAAAA!" He cried.</p>
  <p>…it did nothing. Keef kept spinning around and talking happily. "…and we'll spin around and get sick, because that's just so fun, and we'll get jobs fixing copier machines, and oh, it'll be-"</p>
  <p>Dib tried to fake a smile for Keef's sake, but turned his head slowly, creaking like wood, towards Zim. "Nothing…seems to be happening…"</p>
  <p>"He must…not be HAPPY enough…" Zim said, his own head creaking as he spoke through a gritted-teeth grin. "We're gonna have to make him <span>happier</span>. "</p>
  <p>Dib gasped. "You…you don't mean?!" He said with dread filling his tone.</p>
  <p>"Yes…" Zim mumbled, hanging his head in shame.</p>
  <p>Zim and Dib walked out of the booth and faced each other, then began to play a PATHETICALLY weak version of "Paddy Cake".</p>
  <p>"Paddy Cake, Paddy Cake, Baker's…"</p>
  <p>"A cake as fast as you can…"</p>
  <p>"OH WOW! LOOKIT THAT" Keef exclaimed, clutching his cheeks as he beamed happily. "You're even better friends than I thought! WOW!" He hugged himself.</p>
  <p>"He's…s-still not p-p-popping!" Dib said, his voice straining to keep control.</p>
  <p>"We're g-g-gonna hafta do m-more…" Zim muttered.</p>
  <p>The two locked arms and did an awkward jig. Left, right, left right…BOTH of them had eyes that were BURNING with the fires of hate.</p>
  <p>By now lots of people had gathred to watch the spectacle and Keef was running up the wall, across the ceiling and back down the wall, then across the floor, then back UP the wall…</p>
  <p>"YAAY! SO HAPPY! SO HAPPEEE!"</p>
  <p>Dib grinned. "I THINK he's almost there." He whispered. Then he spoke extra-loudly. "ZIM, you are the best friend a guy could have. What with your smart...arms and nice sense of... evil!"</p>
  <p>Zim faked the biggest smile he could muster. "Thank you, good friend Dib. You too are a pile of friendship and a wonderful display of human boy...niceness."</p>
  <p>Keef was now grinning so broadly his smile was coming off of his face, and he was shaking madly…ALMOST there.</p>
  <p>
    <span>"</span>
    <strong><span>FINISH HIM!"</span> </strong>
  </p>
  <p>In slow motion, Dib and Zim moved forward towards each other, arms outstretched as Keef shook and shook and shook and…</p>
  <p>TA-DAAAAAA! They finally hugged.</p>
  <p>POOOOOF!</p>
  <p>The insanely happy Keef blew up like a balloon, then popped right in front of everyone into little confetti. Everyone gasped…</p>
  <p>And then the Confetti-Keef reformed into normal, human Keef, who staggered around, eyes all swirly.</p>
  <p>""It's okay everybody. I'm alright!" He said.</p>
  <p>BOOMF! He hit the ground, passing out. Realizing that it was done and THEY were still hugging, Dib and Zim quickly seperated, dusting themselves off.</p>
  <p>"That was totally…totally…" Dib couldn't even finish. Luckily, Gay-Dar-Dan did!</p>
  <p>"<em><strong>GAAAAAAAAAY</strong></em>!"</p>
  <p>"Yes, yes, thank you, Gay-Dar-Dan…" Dib mumbled as the tuxedo-wearing boy walked back to the bathroom.</p>
  <p>"Well, the Keef-beast will be out for a few weeks and won't remember anything, so I guess that's that!" Zim said as he picked GIR out of the booth. He and Dib and GIR headed out of the restaurant, letting out a sigh of relief that it was all over. "I still wish I coulda just blown him up and killed him." Zim snapped. "It would have been easier."</p>
  <p>"It would have been REALLY low. Even for YOU!" Dib remarked. "Mr. Grey's idea was good…all you had to do was change the goo formula a little. Now all our problems are solved and our lives can go back to normal. Well…at least…MINE!" Dib grinned evilly. "Because YOU admitted to being an alien! I hope you don't mind if I'M the one who does your autopsy video!"</p>
  <p>"That was just part of the act, remember?" Zim laughed. "I should win a…what's the term?"</p>
  <p>
    <em>Oscar.</em>
  </p>
  <p>"Yes, an Oscar! Or maybe an Emmy…or an Annie!"</p>
  <p>Dib pulled off a button that was on his jacket and smirked proudly. "But I VIDEOTAPED it with this hidden camera."</p>
  <p>Zim gasped. "AAA! You FIEND! That-wait…does it also have the HUG on there?"</p>
  <p>Dib looked down at the small button-camera and gasped. "AAA!"</p>
  <p>He ran off-screen, then came back with an uzi and emptied an entire clip into it.</p>
  <p>
    <strong>BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA!</strong>
  </p>
  <p>"You…can't hurt…anyone…ANYMORE…" Dib gasped out.</p>
  <p>Zim then kicked Dib in the buttocks, snickering as he raced off. Waving his fist in the air., Dib howled and ran after him as GIR calmly skipped along the sidewalk, singing the Doom song.</p>
  <p>"Doom doom doom doo doom doom! Doom-doom-doom…"</p>
  <p>
    <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>I hope you liked this one! There's plenty of "Easter Eggs" hidden in this chapter. See if you can guess where they come from!...and please review! Don't be shy!</strong>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strong>Also, since Christmas is coming up, I'm going to be slipping in plenty of Christmas jokes in later chapters. But I've got to work on final exams for a little while, so the next chappie will take some time to be up. See you later!</strong>
  </p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. The Invader Zim Super Happy Funtime Christmas Special!!!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a somber day...</p>
<p>Tallest Red, Tallest Purple, Gaz Membrane, Dib, Zim and GIR were all dressed up in black outfits and at the front of a large row of pews. They were inside a huge white church that had gleaming white columns before them, leading to a center altar that had a coffin in the back of a podium. There were stained glass windows lining left and right, and a large Jesus stretching himself out on the cross, hanging in the air above the altar. Nick stood at the podium, with White standing outside of the church, as the doorman…also because he couldn't stomach being in a church for long.</p>
<p>"We are gathered here today to honor the departed Jhonen Vasquez." Nick announced sadly, sniffling slightly. "Born on September 1971, he sadly departed this realm three days ago…" Nick bowed his head. "He was 38. He will be missed by his many fans…the world mourns his passing. He was a great man. A flawed man, but an understandable man, one who had true creative spirit within him."</p>
<p>Nick sighed and took a deep breath. "I would like to tell you all that Jhonen would not want you to mourn him terribly, or to grieve grievously, or to slash your wrists and commit suicide in horror, since you now all realize your Creator has died."</p>
<p>Everyone nodded their heads.</p>
<p>"But unfortunately, Jhonen wasn't like that." Nick said, shrugging after wiping his eyes. "He was a cynical, pessimistic man who would probably want you all to suffer. In fact, I have his will right here, expressing his most intimate desires for you all to fulfill after his passing. Some period of mourning is required." Nick told them, reading from a big, thick scroll.</p>
<p>"Yeah, that's no problem." Gaz said quietly.</p>
<p>"Absolutely not." Purple said, nodding.</p>
<p>"So according to Jhonen's will, you can just stop breathing until…say…" Nick squinted as he looked at the will through a magnifying glass. "<em>Tuesday</em>."</p>
<p>"Oh my." Red remarked, jolting up in his chair.</p>
<p>"Tuesday?" Zim squeaked out.</p>
<p>"Oh relax, you won't remember any of this come…say…next week." Nick insisted gently.</p>
<p>"Huh?"</p>
<p>"It's a fourth-wall thing. Now let's see what else is in here…" Nick mumbled. "To my overly-emotional creation Purple and the equally-annoying Red who grubbed and grubbed for more power, IMMEDIATELY danced on the grave of Tallest Spork and cried crocodile tears when their empire was in ruins, I leave…a boot to the head."</p>
<p>BOINK-BOINK! Two boots struck Purple and Red, knocking them back.</p>
<p>"Next to dear Gaz, who has never said a nice thing in her entire life…I bequeath access to the "Undernet"." Nick tossed Gaz a set of keys. "Home of the most depraved cartoons and video games known to man…along with, for good measure…"</p>
<p>"Oh for the love of-!"</p>
<p>"A boot to the head."</p>
<p>BOINK!</p>
<p>"If he wasn't already dead, I'd KILL him!" Gaz snapped, rubbing her sore head.</p>
<p>"And finally, to Zim."</p>
<p>"Er…you know, I'm…good and stuff…" Zim mumbled nervously.</p>
<p>"Who made me laugh…and laugh…and laugh…"</p>
<p>"Uh…well, you know…I AM ZIM!" Zim proclaimed, standing on his chair.</p>
<p>"To Zim, I bequeath…a boot to the head!"</p>
<p>BOINK!</p>
<p>Zim went flying through the church and landed in the corner, groaning. "Cursed Earth boots!"</p>
<p>"Now we come to Dib…" Nick blinked. "Because I feel so sorry for your INCREDIBLY pitiful existence and overly large head-"</p>
<p>"MY HEAD IS NOT BIG!" Dib screeched, clenching his fists and holding them away from his body as he roared.</p>
<p>"I am putting you in charge of this Christmas special."</p>
<p>Dib blinked. "REALLY?" He asked.</p>
<p>"Yep!" Nick said, looking back at the will. "It's all right here." He said, handing Dib the will. "So what are you going to do?"</p>
<p>Dib grinned. "I know EXACTLY…what I'm going to do." He told them.</p>
<p>And so…we present to you…</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>THE INVADER ZIM SUPER-HAPPY-FUNTIME-HOLIDAY-SPECIAL!…</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…<strong>WOULD YOU LIKE HOLIDAY CHEER WITH THAT?</strong></p>
<p>"Hello, I'm Dibbun Membrane, and this is the Invader Zim Christmas special that nobody was ever meant to see because it's so completely ridiculous!"</p>
<p>"EXTREMELY." Nick interjects.</p>
<p>"Luckily, I'M in charge, so I don't care what Jhonen thinks anymore since he went and bought the big one. Therefore it's time to start things off the right way…with holiday songs!"</p>
<p>Dib blew a whistle and snow suddenly covered the camera lens…when it was GONE, Sizz-Lorr was shown in front of the camera, sighing sadly as all eyes were on him.</p>
<p>"Do I HAVE to do this?" He mumbled.</p>
<p>"Yes. Yes you do." Dib's authoritative voice informed him.</p>
<p>"…fiiiine." Sizz-Lorr snapped. "Let's get it started."</p>
<p>He took a deep breath, then began to sing as he sat behind the counter at "FoodCourtia's" best and most popular fast-food restaurant.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding! Fries are done!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding! Fries are done!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding! Fries are done!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding! Fries are done!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>I gotta run!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>I gotta run!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>I gotta run!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>I gotta run!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>I work at Food-Courtiaaa, and they make me wear-a stupid pa-per-hat,</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Would like an apple pie with that?</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Would like an apple pie with that?</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding! Fries are done!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding! Fries are done!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding! Fries are done!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding! Fries are done!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>I gotta run!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>I gotta run!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>I gotta run!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>I gotta run!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Don't touch the fries, in hot fat it really hurts bad, and so do skin grafts!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Would like an apple pie with that?</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Would like an apple pie with that?</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Wait for the bell!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Can't hear the bell!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Where is the bell?</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Wait for the bell!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding fries are done !</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Ding…fries…are…dooone!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib patted Sizz-Lorr on the back. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"</p>
<p>"I hate all humans now." Sizz-Lorr snapped angrily.</p>
<p>
  <strong>SANTA CLAUS!</strong>
</p>
<p>(Dib sits in a big, plushy red chair as a fire crackles in the fireplace. His feet are up on a cushion and he's sipping on a bubble pipe as little bubbles come out, floating into the air and popping, making musical sounds.)</p>
<p>"Pop-pop-pa-pa-pa-pa-pop-pop, Pop-pop-pa-pa-pa-pa-pop-pop, Pop-pop-pa-pa-pa-pa-pop-pop, pa-pa-pop-pop-pa-pop!"</p>
<p>"And a happy new year indeed!" Dib said as he put down the pipe and turned to face the audience. "Welcome to another chapter of my special Christmas special! Today we've got a SPECIAL show for you. Mr. White?"</p>
<p>An albino with white hair, pink eyes and a golden jacket came in, with a guitar slung around his back. He took it off his back and nodded at Dib. "Shall I get started?" He asked.</p>
<p>"Go ahead my man!" Dib said, nodding.</p>
<p>White began to play a tasty riff as the song began!</p>
<p>(Scene changes to show a fat-looking Nick the narrator, who's got a big white beard, a Santa hat on his head, and…wait, he already had rosy cheeks. He waves at the crowd of people below, laughing.)</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Fly…ing…through-the-snow</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Can you hear him-</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"HO-HO-HO!" "Saint Nick" laughed to the people.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>He's…so…full of cheer!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Only has to work one day a year!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>(Scene cuts to GIR, who is cuddled up in a little bed, bobbing his head back and forth as he snoozes. His head opens up and the camera peeks in. No, it's not his brain on drugs…it's his brain on holiday spirit! Guess what's in there?)</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Chil…dren…in-their-beds…</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Sugar plums a-dancin' in their heads!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Zim, who was looking out the window as people put up decorations on their house, rubs his chin.</p>
<p>"So…many…KIDS out there..."</p>
<p>His eyes widen.</p>
<p>"Santa must be a <strong>BILLIONAIRE!</strong>"</p>
<p>(Scene cuts back to the sleigh as Nick continues to wave to the people down below. The reindeer are panting and wheezing.)</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Red…suit…boots-of-black!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>Big sack of toys hanging off his back!</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>How…much…does-he-weigh?</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>How do the reindeer pull his sleigh?</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Lose ten pounds, LARDO!" Rudolph snaps as he turns his head briefly to look at Nick.</p>
<p>"ALRIGHT, so I put on a few pounds!" Nick snaps. "But I can't BIKE to work with all this snow, so how ELSE am I supposed to lose weight?!"</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>Nobody sees him…</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>As he travels the world!</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Prof. Membrane has a rocket launcher primed and is looking around the top of his chimney, eyes peering across the sky as he looks through binoculars. "I'll get you EVENTUALLY, Santa Claus!" He hisses, unaware that Santa is sneaking in through the back door down below.</p>
<p>"R----d!" Rudolph snickers as Santa comes right back and they fly away, going behind Prof. Membrane, who's unaware they just entered his home.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Leaving his presents…</strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>For the good boys and girls!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"HOW DID I GET COAL?!" Gaz snarls as she holds up an opened present, eyeball twitching angrily.</p>
<p>"Ho ho ho ho ho!"</p>
<p>"CURSE YOU SANTAAAA!" Gaz yells as she shakes her fist out the window.</p>
<p>"Santa Claus." Agent Darkbootie points at a poster board with Santa's face on it. "Kindly old elf, or CIA Spook?"</p>
<p><em><strong>Sees…every…move you make!</strong></em><br/><em><strong>Better be good for goodness sake!</strong></em><br/><em><strong>Leave…him…cookies-and-beer!</strong></em><br/><em><strong>He'll be back to YOUR house first next year! </strong></em>(Scene changes to Nick, who is now in a HUGE robotic Santa suit as he stands at the top of a hill. He points upwards.)</p>
<p>"I…AM…SANTA CLAAAAUS! HO…HO…HOOOOOOO!"</p>
<p>
  <strong>THE TWELVE PAINS OF CHRISTMAS</strong>
</p>
<p>Dib was still inside of his chair. He smiled at the audience and waved. "As you all know, Christmas is NOT all about Santa Claus and presents. There's a great deal of effort that goes into the making Christmas as happy as it is. Families have to put up with all sorts of stuff!"</p>
<p>"Crappy stuff." Gaz interjects.</p>
<p>"RIGHT! So I'm gonna show all of you the kind of pain families go through every year!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The first thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…is finding a Christmas tree!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Darn it!" Mr. Elliot looked around the lot of Christmas trees as he checked one tree after another. Most of them…maybe ALL of them…had little tags on it that read "Sold". "Are all of these taken?" He wondered.</p>
<p>"Sold…sold…sold…" He sighed. "There has to be at least ONE tree that's not…"</p>
<p>He turned his head, then gasped. "Wait…that one little tree…" He raced towards it, then noticed two other people were picking it up. "No…NOOOOO!" He howled, diving through the air…</p>
<p>FWOOMF! He landed face first in the snow, groaning as his hands lifted up to try and snatch away the tree.</p>
<p>"Sorry, mister!" Linus said, wrapping the tree in his blanket.</p>
<p>"You snooze, you lose!" Charlie Brown added, tipping his hat to Mr. Elliot.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "Er, master, maybe it wasn't a good idea to get such a big tree." The house computer told Zim.</p>
<p>"SILENCE!" Zim snapped. The tree was a HUGE and THICK evergreen, and he was at the base of it, trying to fit it through the front door as GIR stood on the opposite end. "Zim is never wrong! Now GIR…PULL!"</p>
<p>"ERRRR!" GIR tugged on it with all of his might, growling.</p>
<p>"PULL!"</p>
<p>"RRRRRAAAHHH!" GIR howled, tugging even harder.</p>
<p>"PULL!"</p>
<p>"RRROOOOAAAAHHHH!"</p>
<p>"PU-"</p>
<p>THWOOMP! In a shower of needles, the tree was gone…</p>
<p>…and unfortunately, though it was now inside the house, it had been stripped of most of it's needles. GIR looked it over as the tree stood up in the middle of the living room. "…uh…where does we keep the plant food?" He asked Zim.</p>
<p>"…maybe if we saw it off by about five feet, it could work…" Zim muttered, looking at the only piece left that still had green on it…the last foot on the tree.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The second thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…rigging up the lights!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Uh, Nick, the lights on the house went out." Kelsey said as Nick was sitting in his chair, trying to watch "The Grinch" on TV.</p>
<p>"What? But those lights have ALWAYS worked for the last three Christmases!" He complained, standing up as he went to the door and put on his coat and a pair of gloves. "Great." He mumbled. "Now I gotta get the ladder, go up on the roof and test every bloody bulb!"</p>
<p>He headed out the door and to the garage, placing the ladder against the side of the house and heading up. Kelsey headed back inside the house, then almost tripped on something. She looked down and noticed…</p>
<p>"Oh wait!" She called out. "Nevermind, this cord just got unplugged."</p>
<p>"AAA! I'M SLIPPING!" Nick howled.</p>
<p>THWOOSH!</p>
<p>CRASH!</p>
<p>TINKLE-TINKLE!</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "Okay, these new "Noel Blaster 2000" lights will do the trick." Nick said, holding up a box of new Christmas lights. "They're guaranteed to wake up the neighbors!"</p>
<p>"Yeah, having the fire department come to your house will tend to do that…" Kelsey snickered as Nick headed outside and got to work on setting up the lights.</p>
<p>"Okay, and untie this and that and-what the? Kelsey, you didn't plug them in, did you?"</p>
<p>"Not yet!"</p>
<p>"Why the HECK are they blinking? Ugh…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "Say…Gaz…remember how some say it's "Quick and Sloppy" versus "Slow and Elegant" when it comes to hanging up lights"?" Dib asked as he watched Nick set up the lights with Kelsey. Gaz nodded in agreement. "Well…Nick might have developed a new style."</p>
<p>Nick had three light cords tangled around the chimney, one around his leg, a bunch cluttered to the side and he was panting heavily. "HOO! Can you believe we've been up here for two hours?" He asked Kelsey.</p>
<p>"I hope Santa's boots are insulated!" Kelsey mumbled.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "Ah…" Nick sat down in front of the TV as Kelsey walked in after him. He channel-surfed to the news, looking to see if there would be a snow day tomorrow. "All of our Christmas lights are finally up where they belong. It's a special feeling."</p>
<p>"THIS JUST IN. The makers of the "Noel Blaster 2000" Christmas light line have issued a recall of the lights due to safety concerns. Says one spokesperson: "Do not use these lights. Period"."</p>
<p>Kelsey rolled her eyes. "Getting ANOTHER special feeling?"</p>
<p>"…well…they STILL look good turned OFF…" Nick whimpered, hanging his head as he headed for the kitchen to get some root beer and drown his sorrows.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The third thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…hangovers!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Next Christmas…" Red mumbled as he stumbled around the main deck of the Massive, trying to grab ahold of something firm. "Let's…not…drink so much…"</p>
<p>"You say-HIC-that every year!" Purple muttered before he finally started giggling madly and fell to the ground, laughing.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The fourth thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…sending Christmas cards!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Okay, time to do these Christmas cards!" Kelsey said as she sat down at the table. "It'll be Nick's early Christmas gift." She looked over the list of people, then frowned. "Odd…Nick's boss at school isn't here. What's Ms. Bitter's first name? Anny? Abby? Abby sounds right…"</p>
<p>"You sure you don't need help?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"No, how hard can this be?" Kelsey asked.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "OW!" Kelsey groaned as she stuck her finger into her mouth.</p>
<p>"What is it?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"I accidentally got a paper cut. But it's okay…"</p>
<p>She drew her finger out of her mouth..</p>
<p>PLOP-PLOP-PLOP…</p>
<p>"…alright, maybe not."</p>
<p>"Actually, with these Christmas cards, the red kinda works." Dib admitted.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "Okay, I've got the envelopes all signed and sealed and with stamps on them. Now all that's left is to fill them." Kelsey said, holding them up.</p>
<p>"Did you say "sealed"?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: Owl hoot</strong>
</p>
<p>"…er…go look in the kitchen drawer and see if Nick has an x-acto knife." Kelsey mumbled.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "Uh, Kelsey…what are you doing?" Nick asked as he walked into the kitchen.</p>
<p>"I thought I'd do the Christmas cards for you. An early Christmas present!" She explained.</p>
<p>"But Kelsey, that list is my MOM'S list, not MINE! You used the wrong list!" Nick groaned.</p>
<p>"Uh oh…" Kelsey said quietly.</p>
<p>TEN MINUTES LATER…</p>
<p>"He didn't freak out?" Dib asked Kelsey.</p>
<p>"He said that was MY early Christmas gift." Kelsey informed Dib.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>The fifth thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…FIVE MONTHS OF BILLS!</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>"Alright…I can do this!" Prof. Membrane said as he stretched his fingers out. "By doing my taxes on my own, I am proving that I do not need a fancy consulant. I am proving myself to be ABOVE the Joe Schmoes of the world…"</p>
<p>He got to work, tapping rapidly at the calculator as he looked over the taxes. "Matthew Membrane speeds through his taxes. Becoming an unstoppable machine, he goes through form after form as he blazes a trail. Faster and faster…soon he is a blur of mathematical prowess that-"</p>
<p>"Isn't this roll of white paper supposed to be in your calculator?" Gaz asked, holding up a round roll of white paper.</p>
<p>"…suddenly a brick wall appears." Prof. Membrane thought, groaning.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…. "This can't be right." Prof. Membrane muttered as he looked over his calculations with Gaz. "It says we OWE 500 dollars in taxes!"</p>
<p>"Let me look it over." Gaz remarked, looking at it. "Yeah, I see where you went wrong."</p>
<p>"PHEW. I knew it had to be an adding error!" Prof. Membrane said with a sigh of relief.</p>
<p>"You owe SEVEN-HUNDRED. It's right here on page-oh wait, you screwed up HERE too…"</p>
<p>"You don't mind if I DON'T thank you, right?!" Prof. Membrane muttered angrily.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "I finally figured out why the IRS makes us do this. After all the effort to wade through these taxes, it's almost a relief to put the check in the mail." Prof. Membrane said, looking at the final report and handing it to Gaz. "Emphasis on ALMOST."</p>
<p>"WOW. Do you HAVE this much money?" Gaz inquired.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The sixth thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…facing our in-laws!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Hey dad, I've got some good news!" Gaz said as Prof. Membrane returned to the house, a bag of groceries in each hand. "Guess who called? Uncle Louie said he's going to be coming here for Christmas and he'll be here for two weeks!"</p>
<p>FIVE…SECONDS…LATER…</p>
<p>"None of those bags had eggs, I hope." Dib remarked as he watched the bags slide down the wall of the house.</p>
<p>"TWO WEEKS?!" Prof. Membrane howled. "But he's so…so…"</p>
<p>"Perfect?" Gaz asked.</p>
<p>"YES! And don't you find that annoying?" Prof. Membrane asked.</p>
<p>AND SO…</p>
<p>"Uncle Louie!" Dib and Gaz piled on Uncle Louie, covering him and hugging him intently. Prof. Membrane frowned as Uncle Louie laughed.</p>
<p>"Now, now, don't crowd your Uncle Louie." He said quietly. He was technically Matt's brother-in-law and Matt didn't exactly…LIKE…Louie.</p>
<p>"It's alright, I like the attention!" Louie said happily.</p>
<p>"Glad YOU do…" Prof. Membrane muttered.</p>
<p>THE NEXT, NEXT DAY…</p>
<p>"Hey, Dad!" Dib said as Prof. Membrane was trying to work out some kinks of super toast in his household laboratory. "Did you know Uncle Louie knows all about Bigfoot?"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>"Hey Dad!" Gaz said as Prof. Membrane was trying to fix the lights outside. He turned to see Gaz waving through her room window. "Did you know Uncle Louie knows all the cheat codes to the Game Slave 2?"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>"So, Matt, I didn't know your brother-in-law knew all about writing!" Nick said as he talked with Prof. Membrane in the store as both tried to obtain turkeys for Christmas dinner.</p>
<p><em>"Take joy in their happiness, take joy in their happiness!"</em> Prof. Membrane seethed inside his head. Noticing he was writing in agony, Nick patted Matty Membrane on the back.</p>
<p>"You look tense. You know, I talked to Louie, he knows all about Shiatsu…"</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The seventh thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…the Salvation Army!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Ho-ho-ho!" Skoodge said as he stood in a Santa costume at the side of the corner, ringing a bell while his SIR unit was dressed as an elf. "Give until it hurts! Donate to charity!"</p>
<p>Across the way, a happily-smirking Zim stood watching from the roof with Gaz next to him. "Salvation Army Santa at two clicks, directly north."</p>
<p>"Should we use one of the blue balloons?"</p>
<p>"No, no, this requires something more special…" Zim said, holding up a green balloon. "I saved this one from the time I visited your city's DISGUSTING cess pool!"</p>
<p>The contents sloshed around as Dib hooked it up to a flying machine that's copter blades swirled around. Gaz held her finger over the remote control that would release the balloon and waited…waited…</p>
<p>"Give until it hurts! Ho-ho-"</p>
<p>CLICK!</p>
<p>SPLOOORCH!</p>
<p>"HOOOOLY SHIIIIIIIIIT!" Skoodge screamed.</p>
<p>"God, I LOVE this season." Zim said happily as Skoodge jumped around, trying to roll in the snow to get the filthy waste off of him.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The eighth thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…really whiny children!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"I WANNA POWER RANGER FOR CHRISTMAS!" GIR shouted as he leapt up and down.</p>
<p>Zim groaned, clutching his head. He knew GIR would never let up unless he got the toy…luckily for him, Nick had an old car he could borrow.</p>
<p>"Ugh…a bottleneck to get into parking…" He mumbled as he tried to find a parking space.</p>
<p>BEEP BEEP!</p>
<p>"What? No, YOU'RE number one, YOU'RE number one!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>"A bottleneck to get INTO the store…" He thought as he tried to squeeze through the throngs of people to get inside of "Toyz R We".</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>"A bottleneck to PAY for the gift…" He moaned as he waited in line behind eighteen bamillion other people.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>"A bottleneck to get OUT of parking…" He snarled as his claws clutched the wheel of his car. He honked his horn. "HEY! Get moving, you filth beasts!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>"NO, GIR WANTED THE GREEN POWER RANGER. HE ALREADY ATE THE RED ONE." The computer informed him upon reaching the house.</p>
<p>TEN…SECONDS…LATER…</p>
<p>"ONE…FINAL…BOTTLENECK…" Zim hissed as he tried to open up a HUGE bottle of Turonian jet fuel, one of the harshest alcoholic non-water-containing drinks he had in his fridge.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The ninth thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…finding parking spaces!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>BEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEP!</p>
<p>"OUTTA THE WAY!" Prof. Membrane screamed as he shook his fist. "Do you know who I am!?"</p>
<p>"Move it or lose it, buster!" Another person snapped at him.</p>
<p>"Please, you HAVE to let me into the store!" Jhonen insisted.</p>
<p>"Sorry, we're closed."</p>
<p>"But I FINALLY found a parking spot!"</p>
<p>"Really? Congratulations!"</p>
<p>SLAM!</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The tenth thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…batteries not included!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Dib, I've got some bad news…"</p>
<p>"Gaz, I am NOT in the mood." Dib said as he sat back on the couch. "I've got half the contents of the couch right here, Mysterious Mysteries is doing a special on Santa Claus in half a minute and I'm going to record everything on Tivo." He held up the remote. "Nothing you say could spoil my day!"</p>
<p>CLICK!</p>
<p>Nothing happened. His eyes went wide as he tried to press the "Power" button again.</p>
<p>"The TV remote is out of batteries." Gaz remarked, holding them up and smirking evilly.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The eleventh thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…stale TV specials!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"AAA! Look out children!" Zim screamed as he clutched the side of his head. "Get away!"</p>
<p>"What the?" Nick looked into the living room as Zim's eyes were bugging out, sweat pouring down his brow.</p>
<p>"Don't let it catch you! RUN, children, RUN!"</p>
<p>Now he was hiding behind the couch, quivering. "IT'S STOMPING THROUGH TOWN! IT'S HEADED FOR THE TRAIN STATION!"</p>
<p>"Zim's watching a horror movie?" Nick asked as he turned to GIR.</p>
<p>"Naw, "Frosty the Snowman"." GIR said, shrugging.</p>
<p>"Yes, yes, it's DEAD!" Zim cheered. "It's dead it's-NO, SANTA! DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!"</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The twelfth thing on Christmas that's such a pain to me…singing Christmas carols!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Siiiiilent Niiiiight! Hoooooly Niiiiight!" A large group of people have assembled outside of the Membrane household. Dib smiles as he opens the door to face them.</p>
<p>"Ah, carolers! We used to get you guys all the time! How come you stopped coming?"</p>
<p>MEANWHILE, ABOVE THEM…</p>
<p>"Alright, wait for "sleep in heavenly peace"." Zim insisted as Gaz aimed. "You're set?"</p>
<p>"Yes. Wrist rocket ready!" Gaz informed him as Zim opened up the window…</p>
<p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>…I had a BUNCH of ideas for a Christmas special. So I thought…why not use them all? Well...MOST, anyway. Savor this moment of outrageous silliness and until after the holidays and feel free to review. Remember: this is not part of the timeline of the show, I'm just having some fun in the name of holiday cheer!</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Merry Christmas, everyone! :)</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Planet Jackers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Space travel's in my blood...and there ain't nothing I can do about it! Long journies wear me out...but oh God, you know I can't live without it!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>PLANET JACKERS</strong>
</p>
<p>"So class, why did you choose the careers you chose on Career Day?" Nick inquired.</p>
<p>"I wanted to help people with toilets."</p>
<p>"I like being around crops."</p>
<p>"I enjoy sitting in front of a computer."</p>
<p>"I REALLY like tattoos. What about you?"</p>
<p>Nick blinked. "Well, I enjoy molding young minds. I wanted to leave behind a legacy, Ms. Bitters wanted to be left alone, and Mr. White wanted an alibi…"</p>
<p>"For WHAT?" Gaz asked.</p>
<p>Nick rubbed his chin. "He wouldn't saaaaaay…"</p>
<p>(Scene cuts to a desert road. A few moments later, in slow motion, White roars over the top of the road with GIR sitting next to him as they sit in a stolen Ferrari that came directly from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" . Both have their hands in the air and are laughing happily as the theme from Star Wars plays…then it cuts back to the classroom.)</p>
<p>"I can GUESS though…" He admitted sheepishly.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…It was 7 o'clock at night. While some people were watching TV, picking their toes or, say, racing down the streets while singing "Feel Like Makin' Love", a large telescope sticking out of the ground was taking up all of Zim's time, attention…and frankly, backyard. The lens turned slightly as it adjusted in depth, while the tubing that led down to Zim's secret underground lair showed off a picture of a small, glowing speck. Watching this speck from a spherical conservatory that had various notes written on the wall that included a list of "Invaders to call up and gloat at"…which was VERY long. So long it actually trailed off the wall and rolled out under the door. Our "hero" sat upon a hovering platform looking through the other end of the telescope.</p>
<p>"Enhance." He ordered his house's computer as the telescope gazed more closely at the speck, which became a planet. Soon he was looking at the surface of a planet which was showing off very dumb-looking creatures made of rocks that had beady black eyes.</p>
<p>"Computer, locate Invader Flobee." Zim ordered. "He was always a di'kut!" He laughed.</p>
<p>A few moments later the telescope zoomed in on Invader Flobee, tracking his visual signature. In a few moments, Flobee was shown…with…rocks strapped to his body, on trop of a HUGE throne, lounging around with his SIR unit as two rock creatures fanned him with large leafs.</p>
<p>…ladies and gentlemen, I give you the "advanced" Irken Empire.</p>
<p>Zim frowned and rubbed his chin. "Flobee seems to be doing alright. HMM…Computer, show me Invader Stink. Stink never was much of an invader, I'd be surprised if he's even got a good disguise yet!"</p>
<p>POP! Invader Stink's face appeared in the corner of the lens of the telescope. Soon the telescope moved to view another planet, and it showed Stink was lounging around on a hill, hands behind his head, bobbing his leg calmly.</p>
<p>"Hehe, resting on the job, eh, Stink? Pathetic! You always were a 10-percent…" Zim began to laugh.</p>
<p>Then Zim's laughter was cut short as the telescope zoomed out slightly to show that he was resting atop not a hill, but a DOME, and that the city below him was in flames as an Irken flag flew above the dome.</p>
<p>"ER…WHUH!?" Zim exclaimed as his eyes began to tear up. Then he wailed in exasperation, anger and sorrow. "BAAAUUUUUHHHH! All the invaders are farther along in their conquest than I am!" He covered his eyes. "FLARG IT ALL!"</p>
<p>Then he lifted his head up. Wait a tick…</p>
<p>"Computer, show me Invader Skutch!" He ordered quickly. The telescope began to zoom in on another planet. "Skutch was a total failure in the academy, an absolute STOOPA!" Zim insisted.</p>
<p>Well, the telescope zoomed in to show a manically-laughing Skutch rubbing his gloved claws as his surroundings BURNED, baby BURNED!</p>
<p>"Hey, what is this!?" Zim snapped. What was he-</p>
<p>Then suddenly the telescope went all static-y. Zim frowned and looked up at the ceiling, at the computer system.</p>
<p>"Computer, I wanna see Invader Skutch! He's <strong>burnin'</strong> things! And it looks like BIG things!"</p>
<p>"EXACT SKUTCH COORDINATES SET." The computer responded.</p>
<p>"I see no Skutch! If you do, you need eye surgery!" Zim snapped. "Just…" He waved his hand dismissively. "Go back to Stink!"</p>
<p>Well, the telescope screen showed Stink's face once again, but still…nothing but static. Lots and lots of it. Frowning, Zim grabbed a small communicator that was attached to the telescope.</p>
<p>"GIR! Come to the observatory!" He ordered.</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>"GIR!"</p>
<p>VREEEEEE!</p>
<p>A car parks up to the door and GIR jumped out, waving goodbye to White. "Take care!" GIR yelled back.</p>
<p>"GIIIIIR!"</p>
<p>Racing into the house and up the stairs to the conservatory, GIR popped his head out of a hole in the wall. "Helloooooo!"</p>
<p>Zim let go of the communicator and crossed his arm. "Okay GIR, what have you done to the telescope?"</p>
<p>GIR blinked. "I made soup!"</p>
<p>"…no GIR, I'm not talking about the fourth microwave oven you ruined, I mean the TELESCOPE."</p>
<p>"Oh, the big looky thing? Nothin'!"</p>
<p>Zim blinked in surprise. "Wait…you haven't touched it?" He asked, pointing at GIR. "Something is <strong>broken</strong> and it's not your fault?"</p>
<p>GIR clung to himself, popping out of the wall and shivering. "I know. I'm scared too!" He whispered. Then he grinned and used his jet to zoom UP to the platform Zim was standing on.</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his chin again. "Computer…display scope image on conservatory screen." He ordered. An instant later the entire dome wall became one big view screen, showing static.</p>
<p>The entire conservatory dome wall becomes a view screen, showing static.</p>
<p>"I love this show." GIR said happily, clapping his hands.</p>
<p>Zim looked the screen over, frowning. "What is that?" He wondered out loud. Where had he seen this sort of static before? "I know this from somewhere..."</p>
<p>Then it happened. The whole observatory began to shake and chunks of debri fell from the ceiling. Screaming, Zim clung to the platform as the telescope came crashing to the ground and the displayed image on the wall was reverted back to normal. Soon the entire observatory was filled with broken chunks of telescope and pieces of observatory.</p>
<p>"Wooo! Do that again!" GIR laughed, running around in place.</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his face, a piece of observatory had "THWOCKED" him square in the middle of his face. As it went from a light pink back to green, his eyes narrowed. "If what I saw was what I thought I saw, then there isn't time to fix the scope! I'll have to find another more powerful telescope to confirm my..." His eyes narrowed even more. "Suspicions..."</p>
<p>GIR responded to this ominous warning by grabbing Zim's face and squeezing his cheeks. "Let's make biscuits! Let's make biscuits!"</p>
<p>"Not NOW, GIR!" Zim snapped.</p>
<p>SOON…</p>
<p>Zim and GIR, disguised and standing far away from some stargazers, one who had an ice cream cone with strawberry ice cream on his face and an "F" on his brown shirt and a man with light purple/blue hair and a BIG zit on his head. The two were named Willie Da Cone and John Revolti, respectfully...</p>
<p>No, people on Earth are NOT that original when it comes to names. But hey, Red and Purple were named after COLORS! That tops the list!</p>
<p>The sky was PULSING with waves of electricity, yet nobody seemed to be really noticing…or, more likely, they didn't care or were too stupid to understand what it meant.</p>
<p>GIR pointed into town. "What about that one?" He asked.</p>
<p>An insectoid-like helmet popped out of Zim's PAK and covered his face from the mouth up as wires extended from the PAK and plugged themselves straight into the back of the helmet. Binocular lenses extended from the "eyes" as Zim looked at where the telescope was that GIR had pointed to. Yes, it was LARGE enough, BUT…</p>
<p>"It certainly looks powerful enough... but it belongs to the Dib human." Zim remarked, turning to GIR.</p>
<p>GIR just tilted his head to the side. "So? He seems nice! And Mr. "Ator" says you two should be fwiends!" GIR said.</p>
<p>Zim frowned in annoyance. "Forget the hairy one! We want to <strong>destroy</strong> these people, not ask them for help. The very thought of asking for help from them makes me make little... sicky noises. Like this!" He demonstrated. "Buuuaaauuughhh…eeeyaaaakk…giiyuuuuuggghh…"</p>
<p>"…okaaaay." GIR said, sighing sadly, making a frowny face.</p>
<p>Then the ground shook and GIR was sent rolling down the hill. Zim looked up fearfully as he heard Nick's voice ring through his mind…</p>
<p><em>ASK…HIM…FOR…HELP!</em> Nick snapped.</p>
<p>AND SO, TEN MINUTES LATER…</p>
<p>Zim looked nervously back at GIR, who gave him a thumbs up while making a squeaky-little laugh. Zim nervously tried to return a smile, then went back to look at the doorbell of Dib's front door. It seemed to glow red hot. DARE he press it?</p>
<p>He did. He moaned, rolling his eyes, then pressed it.</p>
<p>DING-DONG!</p>
<p>…CREAAAAAAK…</p>
<p>Dib slowly opened the door…slowly…slowly…</p>
<p>Zim was NOT patient. He smacked the door open all the rest of the way and Dib was sent flying back to land on the couch. He rubbed his head, getting up as Zim walked inside his home.</p>
<p>"I need the use of your telescope." He explained.</p>
<p>Dib, naturally, scuttled away like a crab and grabbed the nearest lamp he could get his hands on, waving it in the air at Zim in a threatening motion as he called out to Gaz. "GAZ! There's an ALIEN in the house!"</p>
<p>"You mean besides <strong>you</strong>?" Gaz wisecracked from the kitchen.</p>
<p>Zim rolled his eyes and held one hand out. "We don't have time for this, Dib! Your world might be in very great danger!"</p>
<p>Dib narrowed his eyes and pointed at Zim. "Well, yeah, you're trying to destroy the human race, remember?"</p>
<p>Zim chuckled. "Heh-heh, yeah, I suuuure am! Oh, yes-yes-" He snapped himself out of it, shaking his head. "B-but this is different, there's something else entirely. I need to use your telescope!"</p>
<p>Dib raised an eyebrow. "Do you think I'm stupid? I mean what kind of weak alien needs the help of the people he intends to conquer?"</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: Waa-waa-waaaaa</strong>
</p>
<p>Zim pointed upwards, turning a slightly darker shade of green in embarrassment. "Look, Dib, have you not seen the sky?"</p>
<p>Dib advanced on Zim. "I'm not going out there, Zim! I'm not falling for whatever it is you're up to!" And with that, he poked Zim in the face with the lamp, making Zim squeal as he stepped back. Dib poked him HARDER and this made Zim run out the door, screaming like an ape. Smiling happily, Dib shut the door.</p>
<p>"Earth is safe once more, but for how long?" He wondered.</p>
<p>"Be QUIET!" Gaz snapped, entering the living room and throwing an empty diet soda can athis head.</p>
<p>Sighing, Zim headed over to GIR, who was on the front lawn, face in the mud as he wagged his "doggy disguise" tail.</p>
<p>"Stupid human!" He muttered. "The one time I try being nice. Maybe I should just never be nice to him-"</p>
<p>The ground began to shake. Zim looked up at the sky, frowning. "There's no TIME for that!" He snapped.</p>
<p><em>THAT one wasn't me! </em>The narrator responded. <em>They've been taking place all over the globe! Freaky earthquakes…makin' me spill my milkshake!</em></p>
<p>Zim frowned, an idea coming to his head. Then he turned to look at GIR, who was smacking the mud on his lips. "We only have one option, GIR! We're takin' the Voot Runner out to investigate."</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim flicked a few switches and adjusted his control wheel as he looked over at GIR, the Voot Runner rising up into the air over his house. "Y'know, GIR, It's a good thing I fixed the g-force compensators on the cruiser before this little trip we're about to take. It was acting kinda funny!"</p>
<p>"GGGGGG-fooooorce." GIR repeated in an echo-like voice.</p>
<p>"Ugh." Zim rolled his eyes. "Yes, GIR, I'm sure I made the proper repairs to the-"</p>
<p>VAWOOOOOOM!</p>
<p>"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!" Zim screamed as the Voot Runner soared through the air on rocket power at speeds of over 300 miles an hooouuuur! His lips began to pull back as GIR screamed over and over, clinging to the top of his head. Zim felt the hot pressure of gravity slamming into him over and over and he tried desperately to slow the ship down…</p>
<p>Then something happened that made the point moot. BA-BAMMA! The ship crashed and Zim flew out of his seat, hitting the windshield with a "SQUISH" like a bug. He groaned as he slid down it, then looked down to see his eyeball had accidentally popped out of his socket.</p>
<p>"It's a good thing I can't feel anything right now. Like my legs." Zim admitted as he put his eyeball back in. "Cuz I'm going to feel THAT tomorrow morning…"</p>
<p>"What happened to the g-force thingies?" GIR asked.</p>
<p>"Okay, I MIGHT have sold them to buy nachos." Zim admitted, titling his head to the side. "Who keeps track? Now…" He rubbed his chin. "What DID we just hit?"</p>
<p>He looked out the window…and his eyes went wide.</p>
<p>"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed in horror. The Earth had an ENORMOUS, dark dome covering it. The dome had a gigantic viewscreen showing the stars and the planets and, of course, the moon…all so people wouldn't notice there was any covering around it.</p>
<p>Zim clenched his claws, hissing. "The Earth has been stolen, GIR!"</p>
<p>GIR put one finger to his lip. "Stolen?" He asked as one eye extended, then retracted, taking a good look at the covering.</p>
<p>One of GIR's eyes extends and then retracts.</p>
<p>Zim nodded. "STOLEN…by the <strong>Planet Jackers!</strong>"</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: DUM-DUM-A-DUM! DUM-DUM-DA-DUMMMMMM!</strong>
</p>
<p>The stupid look on GIR's face told Zim that he had NO idea who they were. Zim rolled his eyes. "Computer, bring up the Planet Jackers holo simulation." He asked the ship.</p>
<p>BEEP! A holographic image was projected from the dashboard. It showed a planet with a moon orbiting it.</p>
<p>"You see, the Planet Jackers sneak up on unsuspecting planets and enclose them in a hollow metal bubble!"</p>
<p>WOOP! A metal bubble closed over the planet in the holographic simulation while a smaller one closed over the moon. The moon bubble connected to the planet bubble by a mechanical chain of a line.</p>
<p>"The inside of the sphere is one big <em>television screen</em>, which projects a sky so no one knows what's happened!" Zim went on, eyes narrowing.</p>
<p>"I like TV!" GIR said, bobbing his head happily.</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his chin. "That earthquake we felt before we came up here…the ones all across the globe…are the pull from when they change direction!"</p>
<p>"Tell me a story about giant pigs!" GIR asked as he held up a pink toy and squeezed it, making it go "Oink".</p>
<p>Ignoring this, Zim looked at the holographic simulation which showed a large sun</p>
<p>"The Planet Jacker's home world orbits a dying sun…" Zim went on as the simulation showed the encased planet and moon being lead over the sun. The spheres opened and the planet and moon dropped inside the sun.</p>
<p>"They throw planets into it like firewood to keep it burning." Zim told GIR. "And now, they have the Earth!"</p>
<p>"Yay!" GIR said, stretching his arms up.</p>
<p>Zim folded his arms. "No GIR, that's bad."</p>
<p>"Aw." GIR said, frowning slightly.</p>
<p>"Do you know what this <strong>means</strong>?" Zim asked him, shaking him slightly.</p>
<p>"Yep!" GIR said, nodding.</p>
<p>Zim let go of him and frowned slightly, raising a non-existent eyebrow.</p>
<p>"You don't really, do you?"</p>
<p>GIR put one finger to his lip again. "Hmm…" Then he shrugged. "Nope! Not really.</p>
<p>Zim pointed at a holographic projection of Earth and hissed. It means <strong>we</strong> won't get to destroy it! Our mission will be a total failure!" He pounded the dashboard and snarled. "Imagine the Irken army showing up and the entire planet is missing!"</p>
<p>"Ooooh! Yeah, that's… "bad", right?" GIR inquired.</p>
<p>Zim flew his ship down the impact point of where he'd hit the shell and flew along the inside of the sphere casing. "VERY BAD. There's got to be a way out of the shell…" He whispered, eyes peering around. Then he saw it…an opening that read "For Planet Jacker Use Only". "THERE!"</p>
<p>He flew out of the shell and pressed a button on the Voot Runner's control panel, bringing up another holographic projection, this time of the entire Planet-Jacker ship diagram. As it turned out, the planet and the moon were all being pulled by a rather tiny ship. "That's it!" Zim said, pointing at the tiny ship and looking out the window to see it off in the distance. "That's them…"</p>
<p>Meanwhile, inside the cockpit of said tiny ship, the Planet Jackers…Nik and Oog-Ah…were just looking around. Both were rather ugly beings in dark blue, grey and black armor with glassy, dark yellow eyes but Oog-Ah was VERY large and strong, and had was a sickly shade of green/yellow while Nik was dark teal with. There was a little alien Hawaiian dancer sitting on the dashboard, wiggling her hips as the radio played.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>The population is greatly decreased…which means the odds are greatly increased…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>That I might someday get the chance…to kiss your lips!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>I thank the Looo-ooo-ooord each day…for the Apocalypse!<br/></strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Folks are disfigured or dead! But sugar, I won't let it go to MAH head!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Yeah my momma's face is melting into…the diiiiirt!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>But I'm still chasin…chittlin's, whisky and skirt!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>" Look at that, binary system." Nik remarked, pointing out the window. "THAT'S a pair of stars orbiting around each other. You ever been to a binary system?"</p>
<p>"No." Oog-Ah grunted out.</p>
<p>"Would it kill you to say something more?" Nik muttered.</p>
<p>His partner turned to glare at him. "Quiet or I'll eat your head", is that enough words for you?"</p>
<p>"I was just trying to make conversation." Nik mumbled. "I…" He sniffled slightly. "I don't know why you have to yell at me!"</p>
<p>"Aw, c'mon, don't be like that." Oog-Ah said nervously. "Come here, come here." He hugged Nik. "It's okay, it's okay…"</p>
<p>It was then that Zim flew the Voot Runner right in front of their ship, facing them directly</p>
<p>"S'cuse me." He remarked, waving one arm.</p>
<p>"Hey, look at the little green guy!" Nik spoke up, pointing at him.</p>
<p>"What do you think you're doing?" Zim snapped.</p>
<p>Nik pointed back at the planet they'd stolen. "Well, you see that planet back there?"</p>
<p>"Yes." Zim said.</p>
<p>"We're going to throw it into our sun. Why, you gotta problem with that?" The smaller planet-stealer remarked, eyes narrowing.</p>
<p>"That one's gonna burn real good, lots of critters! Critters burn good!" Oog-Ah grunted.</p>
<p><em>Why the HELL has nobody arrested them for mass genocide?! </em>The narrator wondered. <em>Is the galaxy full of people who are so dumb they don't recognize there's something wrong with their sky?</em></p>
<p>The silence coming from Zim told him volumes.</p>
<p>…<em>this is all you, Zim. </em>The narrator remarked. <em>Kick their butts!</em></p>
<p>"I WILL!" Zim said, looking proud. He drew himself to full height and pointed at the Planet Jackers. "YES, I have a problem with what you are doing! Maybe you have forgotten about the Irken/Planet Jacker treaty, stating that all planets marked for conquest by the Irken military are to be left where they are!"</p>
<p>Nik pulled out a map from the side of his ship. "No, no, this planet wasn't marked. This one's free game."</p>
<p>"Then it's a mistake!" Zim snapped as GIR waved his arm, squealing happily at the Planet Jackers. "I know for certain the armada expects me to insure this planet's doom! Can't you just go get some other planet?"</p>
<p>"I got a better idea." Nik remarked. "We'll take this planet, and you go doom a different one." He said, waving his hand. "Go, shoo!"</p>
<p>"I was here first!" Zim snapped.</p>
<p>"OH YEAH?!" Nik growled back.</p>
<p>"Oh YEAH!" Zim snarled.</p>
<p>Before this deep, philosophical discussion could continue, Oog-Ah instituted what we like to call "cutting the Gordian knot".</p>
<p>"I'm getting tired of you, green thing." He pressed a button on the control panel and a large cannon popped out of the top of the ship, aiming at the Voot Runner.</p>
<p>"YEEP!" Zim gasped out, eyes widening.</p>
<p>BA-BOOM! The ship was knocked through space, spinning around as the Planet-Jackers laughed and laughed.</p>
<p>"Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ooh, I never get tired of-oh, look, Oog!" Nik said, pointing in the distance at a sun that was far off, with a dead-looking world in the distance.</p>
<p>"Pick up the pace, we're almost home! There's not much time…" Nik told Oog-Ah.</p>
<p>"There isn't much time! GIR!" Zim snapped as the ship came to a halt.</p>
<p>GIR saluted, standing in full duty-mode, with red eyes, shoulder joints, chest plate, and antennae tip!</p>
<p>"You fly the cruiser. I've got a plan…" He rubbed his gloves together. "An AMAZING plan!"</p>
<p>WOOSH!</p>
<p>The Voot Runner flew to the coupling between the ship and the planet. A large bubble encased Zim's head before it went invisible…this would allow him to breathe in outer space. He was now wearing a dark purple mechanical set of armor on his body with a capsule-like toolpack on his front with thick boots and shoulder pads. He cracked his neck and then knocked his feet together, as jets popped out of his boots and he soared out of the top opening of the Voot Runner, landing on the coupling by using his mechanical spider legs.</p>
<p>Nik and Oog-Ah, meanwhile, soon heard massive pounding noises coming from the direction where the coupling was.</p>
<p>"I'll take care of it." Oog-Ah said, grabbing a helmet off the wall and putting it on. He headed out of his chair and to the end of the ship, turning around as light beamed down from the ceiling…</p>
<p>WOOMA-WOOOMA-WOOOOOM! He was teleported outside. Dusting himself off, he used a jet pack on his mechanically-armored body to fly over to Zim…who was just…pounding on the ship.</p>
<p>"Please, stop that. It's really annoying!" Oog-Ah asked.</p>
<p>"Fools!" Zim hissed, as he grew taller, thanks to his spider legs. "I am Zim, Irken Invader Zim. I am responsible for the safe obliteration of the human race…"</p>
<p>He pointed at the Planet Jacker. "Not you!" He added, sticking out his tongue and giving him a raspberry.</p>
<p>The fat alien's eyes narrowed. "<strong>That's it</strong>." He snapped.</p>
<p>SWOOMP! He knocked Zim's hand to the side and leapt at him. Luckily Zim was a fast little bugger, he jumped over Oog-Ah, and the fat alien came crashing down, tumbling around on the ship. Zim smirked as he turned around…</p>
<p>THWONK! Oog-Ah had jumped back up and now pushed Zim in the face. Zim pulled back as the invisible oxygen bubble was exposed, almost popping. One mechanical leg scratched the surface of the ship as he drove himself to a halt, snarling.</p>
<p>"Release the planet, <strong>thief</strong>!" Zim demanded.</p>
<p>Oog-Ah shook his head. "There's only one way to undo the coupling, but you'll have to get through <strong>me</strong> first!" He roared, jabbing his thumb at his chest.</p>
<p>He then pulled out a set of keys and twirled them around tauntingly on his finger as Zim looked down at a small key-hole that was on the coupling. Building up some strength, Zim lunged through the air at the alien…</p>
<p>Who stepped to the side. WOOSH! Oog-Ah laughed madly. Snarling, Zim leapt back at him, but Oog-Ah grabbed ahold of the legs.</p>
<p>"Uhoh." Zim gasped.</p>
<p>WOOSH, WOOSH, WOOSH, Oog-Ah spun around in a circle, spinning Zim along with him and making the little alien turn a sickly pale shade of green. Finally the legs SNAPPED and Zim went flying through space while Oog-Ah tossed the spider legs away. Quickly, Zim activated his communicator, which popped out from his tool belt.</p>
<p>"GIR! GIR! Catch me! Bring the cruiser around and catch me!" He screamed.</p>
<p>GIR saluted inside the Voot Runner, once more in Duty Mode. "Yes, sir!" He snapped.</p>
<p>TWHOOOM!</p>
<p>The Voot Runner ran right through space, right towards Zim…</p>
<p>SPLAT!</p>
<p>Right…INTO Zim. Zim groaned as he squirmed around on the windshield while a "normal" GIR waved at him from inside. "Hi!"</p>
<p>"Lemme in, GIR!" Zim demanded.</p>
<p>GIR looked around, then pressed a button on the control panel, and the windshield swished open, allowing Zim to fall inside. The windshield popped back in as Zim's oxygen bubble was exposed. He growled, clenching his fist as he stood up in the cockpit.</p>
<p>"They're getting away! We're losing the planet, GIR! The Tallest will kill me for sure!"</p>
<p>GIR wasn't really listening. He calmly watched a comet go by.</p>
<p>Zim pointed into the air. "Now, time for another amazing plan from me…<strong>INVADER ZIM!</strong>"</p>
<p>A FEW MINUTES LATER…</p>
<p>The Voot Runner flew back to the covered Earth, hovering above it. Pods on either side of the ship detached, hovering down to the covered planet A few moments later, welding lasers shot out of each pod, moving in different directions, cutting through the shell as they go.</p>
<p>"HA! The pods should cut through the shell." Zim said, smiling as he stood atop the Voot Runner. "I'll just have to keep them occupied so they don't notice what's happening."</p>
<p>GIR watched another comet move by and his eyes went wide, mouth forming a perfect "o".</p>
<p>"You let me know when it's done, okay?" Zim asked GIR before he flew through the air, using his jet pack to head towards the coupling, using his "magnetic" feature of his space boots to stick him to the surface of the coupling. Inside the cockpit of the Planet-Jacker's ship, Nik looked in the side-view mirror, seeing Zim.</p>
<p>"Oog, look who's back." He remarked.</p>
<p>"GRRRRR…" Oog stood up, heading towards the teleporter once again. It was't long before he was back at the coupling, looking down at Zim and frowning. "Let's get this over with, little man!" He said, punching a fist into his palm.</p>
<p>"Sure. Why not?" Zim asked, taking up a fighting stance. "Hoo-WAAAAH!"</p>
<p>Oog-Ah roared out and he flew towards the Irken on his jet packs as Zim turned on his own jet pack and raced towards Oog-Ah, fists out and screaming. They came closer…closer…</p>
<p>Meanwhile, on the surface of Earth, the welding lasers of the pod cutting through COULD be seen in the sky…but they really looked a lot like shooting stars. Da Cone and Revolti, the two stargazers who had been watching the stars from the hill all this time, widened their eyes as they looked at the "shooting stars".</p>
<p>"Preeeetty!" Da Cone said.</p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>Zim's antennae were bent in different directions. He had bruises on his bruises and one black...or rather GREEN eye. He spat out a zipper-shaped tooth and took up the fighting stance once again. "You had enough yet?" He asked cockily.</p>
<p><em>Zim, I'm sure on </em><em>some</em><em> planet, your fighting style is quite impressive. Your weak-link is…</em><em><strong>THIS IS </strong></em><em><strong>EARTH</strong></em><em><strong>!</strong></em> The narrator snapped.</p>
<p>BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM!</p>
<p>Zim was taking a beating, but he would NOT move from where he was. Luckily the welding pods had finally met. Once they collided, the beams shut off and sure enough, the shell had been cut completely free. It began to fall away from the planet as the pods joined back with the Voot Runner. GIR turned on the communicator.</p>
<p>"It's allll done!" He said happily.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Oog was stepping on and off of Zim's swollen head as Zim groaned, the bubble helmet flickering from invisible to visible. BUT he heard GIR'S voice…</p>
<p>It was done! YES!</p>
<p>"Okay, I think I'm through with you!" Zim snapped, as his boots disconnected from the coupling. He soared through space on his remaining jet pack, grabbing ahold of the nearby Voot Runner…</p>
<p>And, at that time, Dib was finally peeking his head out the door. "Alright, Zim, I'll look at the stupid sky-"</p>
<p>He looked up. "AY-YI-YI-YIIIIII!" He screamed, seeing the planet shell falling off, revealing they were near a strange sun.</p>
<p>And what about the moon? Well when the PLANET had been connected to the moon and vice-versa. The moon had still been encased in it's own shell, but now it crashed straight into the Atlantic Ocean. The shell broke off and the moon drifted off out to sea after knocking the two halves of the seal it had been in away.</p>
<p>Nick, who had been on the beach nearby, sighed. "I'll get the MOON." Nick spoke up, rolling his eyes and floating over, a glowing orange aura covering his body. "All things considered, this went pretty well…"</p>
<p>Zim smiled to himself as he leaned back in his seat. "The Earth is safe! I did it, GIR!" He grinned MORE broadly. "Now let's go <strong>destroy</strong> it!"</p>
<p>"Yay!" GIR cheered as their ship zoomed down to Earth…what they had forgotten was that the force of gravity worked both ways, both for going OFF a planet…and going TOWARDS it.</p>
<p>"….YEEEEEEEEEEE!"</p>
<p>"WEEEEE!"</p>
<p>"So, another job well done, yeah?" Nik asked Oog-Ah as Oog-Ah came back to his chair.</p>
<p>"Yeah!" Oog-Ah laughed as they zoomed towards the sun, not noticing that the planet AND the moon had been freed.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…The next day after some moon-snatching and planet-relocation, Nick opened up his mailbox and found another letter from Jhonen. He looked it over and he smiled.</p>
<p>"Dear Nick…</p>
<p>Enjoying my time here on the cruise. I've been thinking about the others. There's been some…things I've had time to think about since I've had so much time alone to myself, just looking at the stars. I want to talk to you about them. I'll be back in a few weeks.</p>
<p>PS: Hope you all have a good Christmas…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim rubbed his sore head. It looked like he was a living BRAIN now what with all the bumps on his head. It was like little dwarves had leapt on him and whacked him with tiny hammers! "It will take DAYS to heal!" He mumbled as he spat out another tooth. "I STILL can't feel my legs, my roof is wrecked, the Voot Runner's auto-repair system won't be up for another ten hours and GIR is no help whatsoever…"</p>
<p>Hearing the doorbell ring, he limped over to the door, hastily putting on his fake toupee and his contacts.</p>
<p>
  <strong>BGM: All That I Want, by The Weepies</strong>
</p>
<p>He opened the door and saw Nick was standing there, dressed in a tanned jacket with dark brown buttons, a Santa hat on his head (not that Zim knew who Santa was yet) and a pair of flannel-lined blue jeans. He was holding up a box that was wrapped in red and green and white wrapping paper with a small bag over his shoulder.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Out in the haaarbooor…<br/>The ships come in, it's Christmastime!<br/>The kids all hoooolleeer…carols 'cross the water<br/>Stars that shine!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>All that I want…all that I want…</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>"Hey, Zim." Nick spoke up cheerily. "I got you a little something for Christmas. It's the season for hospitality after all."</p>
<p>Zim frowned, then sighed and let Nick in. "Alright. What?" He asked.</p>
<p>Nick handed him the gift and Zim ripped it open to find…Candy Canes. Two kinds. One fruity-flavored, one a standard red and white.</p>
<p>"Merry Christmas." Nick said gently.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Above the roooooftooops…<br/>The full moon dips it's golden spoon!<br/>I wait on cliiip-cloooops, deer might fly<br/>Why not? I met you…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>All that I want…all that I want…</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Zim blinked as he looked down at this candy. Nick took out some hot chocolate mix from the bag he'd gotten and held it up. "Want some hot chocolate? I brought milk since I know you don't take it with water."</p>
<p>"…okay…" Zim said quietly as he sat down on the couch.</p>
<p>"Hey, GIR, could you help me with the fire?" Nick asked.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>...Zim sat without his disguise, a red blanket on his body as he and GIR sat on the couch, watching the fire crackle in the fireplace while he sipped his hot chocolate. Since GIR kept choking on his, he was instead sucking on a candy cane. Nick sat next to Zim, looking at him with a warm smile.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>And when the night is falling…<br/>Down the sky at midniiight…<br/>Another year is stalling…<br/>Far away a good bye, good night!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>And all that I want… all that I want…all that I waaant…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"…why are you so…kind to me?" Zim asked at last as he turned his head to Nick. "Why don't you be with the human, one of your kind?"</p>
<p>"My girlfriend is spending this day with her family. Dib likewise. And you deserve to spend it with your family as well." Nick said, nodding his head.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>So small a tuuurning…<br/>The world grows older every day!<br/>An ache, a yeeeeearniiing,<br/>Soften when I hear you say…<br/>All that I want…all that I want…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"What you did today was kind of heroic." Nick admitted. "I mean, you saved the world. Yeah, you did it for your own reasons, but…it's a big step. I'm…I'm PROUD of you." He said quietly, turning red in the cheeks, slightly embarrassed.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>And when the cold wind's blowing,<br/>Snow drifts through the pine treeees…<br/>In houses lights are glowing,<br/>Likewise in your eyes that find me here!<br/></strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>With all that I want…all that I want…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Zim blinked a few times. GIR then placed his head on Zim's side, softly mumbling as he drifted into sleep, eyes closed.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>All that I want…all that I want…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Then he turned his head to look at the fire.</p>
<p>"I like this." He said, feeling a soothing warmth enter his body as he sipped his hot chocolate.</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
  <strong>Out in the haaarbooor</strong><br/>The ships come in, it's Christmastime!<br/>It's Christmastime…
</p>
<p>He really SHOULD get planning on making schemes for global conquest, but…</p>
<p>…no. "It's Christmastime." Zim said, smiling a little, a genuinely warm smile.</p>
<p>Maybe it wouldn't hurt to just take a few days off from "dooming". To just relax here with GIR and enjoy some time alone with the people he realized he cared about. With two people who felt he was important, that he MATTERED.</p>
<p>His…his family.</p>
<p>Isn't that what Christmas was about?</p>
<p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>I just felt the whole episode had a kind of "feel good" quality about it, a happy ending had by all! Zim needs a little break now and then. And no, Jhonen's not dead. Keep in mind the "Holiday Special" was out of canon on purpose. Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed this little chapter. Please review...and have a VERY Merry Christmas once again from me and everyone else!</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Rise of the Zitboy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <em>They're only thinking of HIM...yes, they're ONLY thinking of HIM...whatever they may do or say...they're ONLY thinking of HIM!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>...if he counts as a "him"...</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>RISE OF THE ZITBOY</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Jhonen was sitting at a table his red hair glinting in the sunlight as he sat playing poker with Mr. White, Mr. Russel and Ms. Fahn.</p>
      <p>Jhonen looked over his cards, then raised his eyebrow. "Hmm…I doubt you can match the hand I've got now, White, even though you've been having a lucky streak so far!"</p>
      <p>"Matched only by your own." White added, grinning. Both he and Jhonen were still wearing clothes. Mr. Russel and Ms. Fahn, sadly, were almost down to their underwear. Ah…strip poker. It never gets old.</p>
      <p>"I'm reminded of a story. You've probably heard it!" White remarked, grinning that overly toothy smile. "The, uh, King and Queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs, when their son, Jack, remarked how strange it was they had only two hearts between them."</p>
      <p>Ms. Fahn began snickering.</p>
      <p>"Just then, Deucey and her little dog, Tres, started singing…"</p>
      <p>He raised his voice to a falsetto. <em><strong>"Four Diamonds are a girl's best friend."</strong></em></p>
      <p>Then the albino grinned. "Whereupon the entire family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. Did you get it?"</p>
      <p>"EVERYONE did." Jhonen laughed. "'How long before we're back at the mainland again?"</p>
      <p>"I don't know." White remarked. "The captain lost the boat, the contents of his wallet AND his clothes 36 hours ago, remember?"</p>
      <p>Jhonen put a white cap on his head. "Yes, and I look STUNNING in it. Wait…" He blinked. "We sent him and the first mate adrift in a lifeboat, right?"</p>
      <p>"Right."</p>
      <p>"…who's driving then?"</p>
      <p>"Oh, relax. I pushed "Cruise Control"!" White remarked.</p>
      <p>(Scene cuts away to reveal boat is heading straight for an iceberg that's somehow popped up in the middle of Cuban waters. <strong>Hoo boy!</strong>)</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim was busy in his lab, pressing some buttons on a control panel. Two tubes next to him had chickens within, both sititng on platforms. Rotating a few levers on a control panel, he activated the first tube. The first chicken sitting on a tube platform rotated around on the platform like it was on a carosuel microwave as Zim watched it eagerly, then smiled as it began to spin at high speed. Tapping one claw on a monitor screen nearby as the other chicken gave Zim a strange look, the chicken in the first tube…well…rubber tubing descended from the ceiling, attaching to the tope of the tube with the spinning chicken.</p>
      <p>BEEP! Zim pressed a button and the chicken was shot up the tubing. Zim then turned to look at the monitor, which showed an image of the Earth…and a green dot, which represented the chicken, was showing now leaving the Earth.</p>
      <p>Zim smiled to himself, nodding his head. "Hmmm... Chicken! Mmm hmmm! Hmmm... hmmmm."</p>
      <p>"<em>Zim…why are you launching chickens into low Earth orbit?"</em></p>
      <p>"Because they're THERE." Zim said, eyes widening.</p>
      <p>
        <em>"…right. Idiot. Yes."</em>
      </p>
      <p>The other chicken flapped its wings nervously as the rubber tubing attaches to the top of ITS tube. The chicken gaped as Zim moved his finger towards the button that would start the process all over again WHEN…</p>
      <p>BREEEEE! BREEE!</p>
      <p>"SECURITY BREACH, UNKNOWN INTRUDER!" The computer announced.</p>
      <p>Zim grinned and clenched his fist. "Ah-HA!" He said, running off as the chicken sailed straight into the sun and became Kentucky Fried. Quickly moving outside of his house in his disguise, Zim looked around the lawn, while a GIANT stone squirrel with a crack on it's head and an eyehole on its chest "squirreled" along the walkway of Zim's house, sneaking past him.</p>
      <p>Zim looked to the left. "Hmmmm... Mmm, hmmm!"</p>
      <p>He looked to the right.</p>
      <p>"Hmmmm..."</p>
      <p>Then he looked into the glassy eyes of a gnome as he had his back turned to the squirrel, noticing that the squirrel was MOVING! Stone did NOT move! His eyes widened and he pointed at it, issuing a command. "Gnomes! Capture the squirrel!" He barked out.</p>
      <p>The robotic garden gnomes on either side of the squirrel turned their heads and lifted up their arms. They closed in on the squirrel, lifting it into the air…</p>
      <p>"HEY!" Someone shouted from inside. "HEYYYY!"</p>
      <p>CRASH! They threw it to the ground. Dib was revealed, the "tail" of the squirrel still attached to his butt. He wiggled it a few times then grinned sheepishly.</p>
      <p>"Er…I've come to borrow a cup of sugar?" He tried to lie.</p>
      <p>Zim stuck his face in Dib's face. "Ha! Nice try, squirrel-Dib! I laugh at your pitiful attempt at spying!"</p>
      <p>He cleared his throat. "Okay, here I go…"</p>
      <p>He took several deep breaths, sprayed his mouth with breathspray, then went "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi" before he took another breath and let out a harsh laugh. "<strong>HA!</strong> HA-HA-"</p>
      <p>"Go on, laugh!"</p>
      <p>Apparently this "reverse psychology" worked, because Zim stopped laughing and blinked as Dib stood up and the tail fell off, breaking apart. Dib jabbed his finger into Zim's chest, grinning broadly as he did so. "But one day, you'll be sitting in your house feeling all safe and secure, and then you'll look over and I'll be there…" His eyes narrowed. <em><strong>"Doin' stuff!"</strong></em> He whispered secretively.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>BGM: Phoenix Wright, Investigation: Overtaked!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"Stuff?" Zim snarled as he slammed his fist into his palm. "In <strong>my</strong> home!? Neveeeeeer!"</p>
      <p>"OBJECTION!" Dib asked, pointing out with his finger, accusatory as his hair flowed backwards in the breeze. "I could SO get in!"</p>
      <p>"OBJECTION!" Zim snarled, pointed at him. "No you couldn't!"</p>
      <p>"OBJECTION! Yes I could! It's COMPLETELY possible!" Dib roared.</p>
      <p>"Nonsense! You'd have to find some kind of flaw in my security net! Since that could never possibly happen, you'll have to do your <strong>stuff</strong> elsewhere!" Zim laughed, shaking his head and folding his arms. "You haven't discovered some kind of a flaw!..." He tilted his head to the side. "<em>Have you</em>?</p>
      <p>"HA! Let's just say your home defenses could use some tightening!" Dib whispered darkly.</p>
      <p>"You're <em><strong>lying</strong></em>!" Zim hissed, shaking his finger at Dib. "You're an idiot on a backrocket planet! You're full of DOOKY! DOOOKY!"</p>
      <p>(The music ends as Dib walks away)</p>
      <p>It was then that a DELIVERY truck for Bloaty's Pizza Hot appeared. A pimply-looking man wearing a Bloaty's hat and pizza boy outfit approached the front door, walking past Zim as he held a pizza in his hands. He went to the front door while Zim shook his fist at Dib, who was still walking away.</p>
      <p>"Nothing breaches my defenses, nothing! You hear me, squirrel boy? <strong>NOTHING</strong>!"</p>
      <p>"Hey!" The delivery boy rang the door bell "HEYY!"</p>
      <p>GIR, out of his disguise, answered the door.</p>
      <p>"Here's that pizza ya ordered, sir." The delivery boy said.</p>
      <p>GIR's eyes began to water as he clasped his hands together.</p>
      <p>"Thank you..." He whispered.</p>
      <p>Zim blinked, turning around. "HEY!"</p>
      <p>"I... I <strong>love</strong> you..." GIR said in a soft tone as he took the pizza.</p>
      <p>"…just doin' my job sir." The delivery man said, tipping his cap as he slung a gun over his shoulder and put dark paint under his eyes. "Just doin' my job." With that, he jumped through the air and straight through the window, getting in the front seat as he drove off.</p>
      <p>Frowning angrily, Zim approached GIR and shook his fist at his robot. "GIR! We fend humans away from our home, not invite them over!"</p>
      <p>GIR tilted his head to the side, then smiled. "I had a <strong>coupon</strong>!" He said happily.</p>
      <p>Zim frowned, tapping hips lip with a claw. "…okay…maybe there <strong>is</strong> some kind of flaw! But what?"</p>
      <p>SOON…</p>
      <p>GIR was on the couch, the pizza on his lap. He had one half of the pizza on his face and was SLURPING it into his mouth by the tip end. There was grease bubbling all over his face…and he now SMELLED badly too. He chewed slowly, then finally swallowed the pizza, then held up the OTHER half and began taking huge bites out of it as Zim's cheeks filled with bile and he turned a sickly shade of green, covering his mouth. He gagged in disgust at this sight.</p>
      <p>"The smell... all that <strong>cheese</strong>!" He gasped out.</p>
      <p>"I LIKES it!" GIR said happily, taking more bites.</p>
      <p>Zim liked nachos and all that, but THIS…THIS!</p>
      <p>"So…much…CHEESE! It's sickening!" Zim said, sticking his tongue out as he stepped backwards. "And your lippy... " He waved his hand in the air. "Smacky noises... aren't helping."</p>
      <p>GIR finished off the pizza as the grease dripped down onto the couch, and Zim felt a queasiness rise in him. Then GIR leapt on the couch, grabbing ahold of his head!</p>
      <p>"AAAUUUGH!" Zim groaned.</p>
      <p>"Don't worry, I like you too!" GIR said lovingly.</p>
      <p>"AAAA! GET OFF OF ME!" He shouted. "Get OFF of me, GIR!" He flailed around, backing into the TV and knocking it down, then ramming into the wall several times.</p>
      <p>"OW!" The house computer shouted. "WATCH IT!"</p>
      <p>"GET OFF ME!" Zim shouted, backing into a bookshelf. A piggy toy was knocked off and it bounced off of his head, but GIR didn't let go. Screaming, Zim ran around the living room, up the walls, across the ceiling and-</p>
      <p>BANG!</p>
      <p>He accidentally ran into the closet door. GIR was knocked off his head and the Father Decoy popped out of the closet, smiling.</p>
      <p>"Hello Son! Listen to your mother!" He said before popping back inside the closet.</p>
      <p>"Ehchuta!" Zim swore, getting back up, COVERED in grease. "You're <strong>horrible!" </strong>He hissed.</p>
      <p>He pointed angrily at GIR. "GIR! Get me the cleansing chalk! QUICKLY!"</p>
      <p>GIR ran into the bathroom, then came back out with a bar of unwrapped soap, a mirror and a nice purple towel. Yes, purple. Zim liked the color purple quite a bit! Zim snatched the bar of soap from GIR's hands and bit the wrapper off, rubbing the soap on his face and groaning as GIR tossed the towel and mirror away while he leapt to the empty pizza box and stuck it on his head. Zim frowned, rolled his eyes, then grabbed the mirror…</p>
      <p>"AAA!" He shouted. He looked at the soap in his hands and found…it was just a strip of BACON! ROLLED UP!</p>
      <p>"Why was there bacon in the soap container!?"</p>
      <p>"You mean why is there soap in the BACON container!" GIR said as he held up a plastic bag that had "Bacon" on the top label, with white stuff ground up inside. "I made it myself!" He bragged.</p>
      <p>Zim's eye twitched as he flung the bacon away. And THAT'S when it happened… twitches. He flings the bacon to the ground.</p>
      <p>BOOOOO-OOOOP!</p>
      <p>He lifted up the mirror and noticed…SOMETHING was growing on his right cheek! He blinked in confusion, poking the strange round thing.</p>
      <p>"You got a pimple!" GIR said, pointing at him.</p>
      <p>"Pim-pol?" Zim inquired, looking confused.</p>
      <p>"Yep! Just like on TV!" GIR said, going to the TV and turning it on to a commercial that had a highschool student hanging out in the hallways. He had one side of his face hidden from the camera.</p>
      <p>"Yesterday, I was just like everyone else. I fit in. But when I woke up this morning I had…"</p>
      <p>He turned his head and…YIKES! A HUGE pimple was hanging on the other side of his face.</p>
      <p>"A pimple!" He groaned.</p>
      <p>The student approached some other students and they all gasped and cringed in horror. "EWWWWW!"</p>
      <p>One of the girls KICKED him in the leg before she walked off, snarling "FREAK" as she did so.</p>
      <p>"Now my life is a hideous montage of humiliation and shame!" The student moaned, hanging his head.</p>
      <p>Zim gasped, his hands flying to his face. "Oh NO!" He moaned.</p>
      <p>Then it happened. A flash of lightning struck, and from the smoke he emerged…a blending of a man and a HUGE tube of acne cream that read "Acne Blast" on the front. He</p>
      <p>"Acne Blast Man!" The student said as the tube flew over to him.</p>
      <p>"Yes, it is I, here to restore your social life to its former... glory!" He pointed at the student with both hands and electricity shot out, blasting the pimple into pus! The student fell to the ground, screaming…but then he touched his face…</p>
      <p>Pimple free! He stood up and smiled as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera approached both sides of him. "Thanks, Acne Blast Man!" He said as the girls began to feel his now-smooth cheeks.</p>
      <p>Acne Blast Man winked, gave the camera a thumbs up, the lifted up a tube of Acne Blast.</p>
      <p>"I…MUST…obtain Acne Blast!" Zim proclaimed.</p>
      <p>"I gots some right here!" GIR said, opening up his chest and pulling out a tube. Please don't ask why he had it-</p>
      <p>SLUUURRP!</p>
      <p>He began to DRINK it. So much for not asking. Zim snatched the tube away and dabbed the Acne Blast onto his pimple. Soon it would be all gone and-</p>
      <p>Unfortunately, due to freak chance, biological make-up and a catalystic reaction caused by the mix of grease and Acne Blast…the pimple swelled up to the size of a child's HEAD, now becoming transluecent and the acne cream was sucked up into the pumple and began to float around inside it's pus.</p>
      <p>Zim moaned, smacking his face. "That made it WORSE!" He turned on GIR. "GIR, how COULD you?!" He moaned. He looked AWFUL!</p>
      <p>Wait…where WAS GIR?</p>
      <p>Zim frowned, rolling his eyes as he grabbed the mirror. GIR was probably playing in the kitch-OH MY GOD! GIR was INSIDE the pimple! No WONDER his cheek felt heavy…</p>
      <p>"GIR, get out of there!" He screeched. GIR popped out, holding onto the Acne Blast and sucking on it as he walked to the side.</p>
      <p>"ARGH!" Zim groaned, grabbing his head. "This is so not <strong>right</strong>! It's jeopardizing everything I've worked for! How can I study this planet if the entire population is starring at my freakishly deformed head?"</p>
      <p>GIR, meanwhile, had gotten ahold of a big black marker from a cabinet and was drawing a face upon the pimple. A pair of eyes, a nose, a cute little mouth with a tooth sticking out…</p>
      <p>"STOP! STOP! Get away!" Zim snapped.</p>
      <p>Zim hopped off the couch, and the pimple bobbed up and down, the pus swishing around inside. GIR bobbed his head along with the pimple…</p>
      <p>And then…his eyes got all swirly as he stood stock-still. His voice became a monotone. "Yes. I will stop. I will obey."</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. "<strong>You</strong>? <strong>OBEY</strong>?"</p>
      <p>An idea came to him. "Okay, GIR. Roll over."</p>
      <p>GIR jumped onto the floor and started rolling over.</p>
      <p>"I obey." He repeated in the monotone voice.</p>
      <p>Zim rubbed his chin, looking at this scene. "HMMM…"</p>
      <p>GIR then snapped out of the trance when Zim looked up, thinking, and began to dance around.</p>
      <p>"I'm dancin' like a monkey!" He proclaimed.</p>
      <p>Not for long! Zim turned to face GIR again and when he did GIR fell back into the trance. Zim blinked, then turned around…</p>
      <p>"Monkey daaaance!" GIR said happily.</p>
      <p>Zim faced GIR AGAIN! GIR returned to the trance, the pimple's bobbing imprinted in his mind.</p>
      <p>"Obey."</p>
      <p>Zim looked into the mirror, intrigued. "This hideous blemish appears to have hypnotic powers…" He thought out loud.</p>
      <p>"Hypnotic powers." GIR repeated.</p>
      <p>Zim watched the pimple bob up and down in the mirror…and then HE hypnotized himself!</p>
      <p>Luckily, since he was the one doing the hynotisim, all he had to do was shake his head. And shake it he did. He then turned to the side, musing to himself. "If it works on humans as well, I may be able to use it to hypnotize Dib into telling me what he knows about my security system."</p>
      <p>He rubbed his hands, smirking. "But first, I must disguise it." He realized</p>
      <p>SOON…</p>
      <p>He entered the storage room of his lab and flicked the lights on. He headed over to a brown box that read "GEARS, CIRCUITS, HEADLESS BODIES." He pulled out a headless dummy body, attaching it to the pimple. Now it looked like a PERSON was on his face!</p>
      <p>"I will call you... Pustulio!" Zim decided. "Together we can hypnotize the enemy and bend them to my will!" He sniggered evilly, rubbing his claws and began to laugh. "Mwa-ha-ha…HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Kids were "hangin' around" on the monkey bars, others played basketball and some just jumped around in place as they laughed.</p>
      <p>Zim had been waiting, hiding Pustulio until Recess…and now it was time. Stealthily emerging from behind a tree, he walked over to the light blue-ponytailed Peeyoopi, who was playing on the hopscotch square.</p>
      <p>"Have you met my friend Pustulio, human worm-baby?" Zim inquired, smirking. "He is visiting from..." He looked upwards, thinking, then shrugged. "Another place." He turned to make Pustulio face her.</p>
      <p>"EW!" Peeyoopi screeched. "HE'S-"</p>
      <p>WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO…</p>
      <p>"Beautifuuuuul. I <em>looooove</em> him." She mumbled.</p>
      <p>"It WORKS!" Zim thought to himself. "EXCELLENT." He mumbled, tapping his claws together. He then headed over to Mary, who was jumping rope. "You, frolicking dirt child. Meet Pustulio." He held Pustulio up to her eye level.</p>
      <p>"Get away from me you-" She began. Then SHE fell into a trance, smiling stupidly.</p>
      <p>WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO…</p>
      <p>"Object of my <strong>unsurpassed</strong> worship…" She mumbled out.</p>
      <p>Zim headed towards the monkey bars whilst the two girls followed their "master". Zim turned to face all the kids on the monkey bars, a grin on his face.</p>
      <p>"<strong>Pustulio demands your attention!"</strong> He announced. Everyone took a good look at it as it quivered…</p>
      <p>BANG! Those that had been hanging from the monkey bars all fell down into one big pile as Zim walked off, quite satifised with this new turn of events.</p>
      <p>"I'm in pain!" Lizard Boy announced in his hypnotized tone.</p>
      <p>"It is as Pustulio wishes." The little boy Snarl remarked in a mellow tone.</p>
      <p>"Does Pustulio wish for me to pop my spine back into place?" Ploopti asked, her eyes all swirly like the rest of the children.</p>
      <p>Zim waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes, very well." He remarked.</p>
      <p>Dib had been watching the whole scene from behind a table, and now he ran to the walkway ledge that led back into school. Gaz was sitting on the steps of the walkway, reading a book called "Punch Club". What's it about?</p>
      <p>Rule number one. You don't talk about Punch Club.</p>
      <p>Rule number two. You DO NOT talk about Punch Club. Get it?</p>
      <p>Dib tried to reach out to Gaz, then saw Zim was approaching and hid behind the walkway as Zim stood atop the school steps. All of the hypnotized children looked intently at him.</p>
      <p>"You will tell Pustulio everything that Pustulio wants to know! I am Pustulio's official spokesman. Whatever information you give to me will pleeeaaaease Pustulio." Zim announced, looking at Gaz and making wavy arm gestures around Pustulio to make her look at him. "Stare deeply into Pustulio, he is your master, he is-"</p>
      <p>"Go <strong>away</strong>." Gaz snapped, continuing to read.</p>
      <p>"Are you sure you don't want to look at <strong>Pustulio</strong>?" Zim asked politely.</p>
      <p>Gaz frowned, then waved her hand to dismiss him. Zim frowned slightly. He could have <strong>made</strong> her watch…but he just shrugged, deciding against it. Maybe it was professional courtesy, since he DID have some respect for the strong-willed girl who frequently beat Dib up on a daily basis.</p>
      <p>Zim addressed the other children. "Come, my filthy stink children. You shall reveal your secrets to Pustulio in the privacy of the classroom."</p>
      <p>Zim headed into the school as the children followed him like he was the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Dib peeked his head over the walkway at Gaz. "What's going on, Gaz? What's he up to?"</p>
      <p>Gaz groaned.</p>
      <p>"Huh? Huh? Huh?" He asked. He rubbed his chin. "Some sort of hypnosis. It might have something to do with that thing on his head." He realized, tapping his head.</p>
      <p>Gaz groaned and turned away from Dib.</p>
      <p>"Someone has to stop Zim before it's too late!" Dib proclaimed, pointing upward before he raced into the school. Gaz rolled her eyes as she continued to read.</p>
      <p>Dib screamed heroically, bursting through the door to his classroom, rolling across the floor, then leaping onto the desk of Ms. Bitters.</p>
      <p>"Don't look at that thing on his face! He's using it to control you!" Dib said, pointing accusingly at Zim.</p>
      <p>"Pustulio <strong>rocks</strong>!" Someone shouted.</p>
      <p>"There is no Pustulio! It's just a pimple!" Dib insisted, feeling DISGUSTED at what he was looking at now. "A hypnotic pimple!"</p>
      <p>"Look at Pustulio." Zim demanded.</p>
      <p>"Never!" Dib insisted, clenching his fists. "I'll never surrender my free will!"</p>
      <p>Zim pointed at Dib and issued a command. "Smacky, hold him!"</p>
      <p>WOOSH! Torque Smacky leapt through the air, knocking Dib off the desk and pinning Dib to the ground. Dib tried vainly to lift the big boy off, but couldn't, so he began to plead.</p>
      <p>"No, Torque, can't you see it's just-"</p>
      <p>"I see only my love for Pustulio." Torque said in his monotone.</p>
      <p>Torque lifted Dib up and held him in his grip as he brought him over to Zim.</p>
      <p>"You can't make me look!" Dib insisted, closing his eyes. "I'll just shut my eyes."</p>
      <p>"Oh, you'll open them." Zim remarked, clasping his hands. "You have to breath <em>sometime</em>."</p>
      <p>"No, I do-wait..." Dib opened his eyes. "What do EYES have to do with breathing?"</p>
      <p>And with that he accidentally glanced at Pustulio. A humming noise filled his ears and he began to scream as the trance tried to take control. Then…</p>
      <p>WOO-WOO-WOOO…</p>
      <p>"I will Pustulio eveeeeerythiiiiing…" He said, his head rotating around in place. Then he broke free from the trance, looking away.</p>
      <p>"No, must keep control!" He insisted.</p>
      <p>Then he snapped back INTO the trance!</p>
      <p>"Pustulio is my friend."</p>
      <p>OUT of the trance!</p>
      <p>"He's a pimple! Nothing more than a-"</p>
      <p>He opened one single eye. Sweat poured down his brow.</p>
      <p>"I…I…"</p>
      <p>WOO-WOO-WOOOOO…</p>
      <p>"I... I <strong>love</strong> Pustulio." Dib mumbled out, finally giving into the hypnotic trance.</p>
      <p>"And Pustulio loves you too." Zim said comfortingly. "Release him, Smacky. He is part of the collective now." He remarked.</p>
      <p>Torque Smacky let go and Zim smiled happily. "Now, tell me. Tell me the flaw in my house's defenses." He asked calmly.</p>
      <p>Dib blinked, then squirmed around, trying to resist "But... I can't... must infiltrate!"</p>
      <p>"It would make Pustulio happy to know this thing. Don't you want…" He flicked Pustulio, who wobbled around. "To make Pustulio happy?</p>
      <p>Dib nodded, eyes all swirly behind his glasses. "Yesss…NO!" He shouted, turning away. He was STILL fighting the trance!</p>
      <p>Tough for a human, Zim thought. But he had the advantage. He grinned. "If you tell meeeee…" He sang out. "I'll let you hold Pustulio's little haaaaand!" He said as the world around Dib went dark. He could only see Zim now, holding Pustulio's hand up.</p>
      <p>"This is probably the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my entire life." Nick muttered as he put on a raincoat, a big, wide-brimmed hat, boots, gloves and thick snowpants…along with an umbrella. <em>Why</em>, I hear you ask?</p>
      <p>CRASH!</p>
      <p>The world slipped away. Dib was now a mindless slave. He stood atop a small pillar along with Zim as Zim smirked, seeing he'd won.</p>
      <p>"The weakness is simple. A blind spot...in your gnome field." Dib spoke in his hypnotized tone.</p>
      <p>"Oh REALLY?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>The classroom came back into focus for Dib, yet…he still could only see Pustulio's little hand. "Nothing to stop me from simply tunneling under... house and attaching a spy monitoring system." He managed to mumble out.</p>
      <p>Zim laughed evilly. "HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! SUCCESS!"</p>
      <p>Then it happened. "Pustulio" swelled to ENORMOUS size, taking up most of the classroom as Zim staggered around, groaning, desperately trying to hold it's weight up, and then…</p>
      <p>It popped. A <strong>TIDAL WAVE</strong> of thick, green, bubbling pus swept out, breaking through the windows and shattering them into pieces. The wave washed away dozens of children just outside in the fields of Recess, the door was knocked off it's hinges, the hallway was FLOODED with pus as people screamed as they were swept away…</p>
      <p>Then, at last, after dribbling down the steps of the school, it all slowed down and Zim now stood in Ms. Bitters classroom, desks in pieces, wall punched open by pus, all the windows cracked. A And people were sticking to the walls and ceiling, attached by pus.</p>
      <p>Dib floated by on the pus on his back, groaning.</p>
      <p>"Bye Dib, and thanks for the information! I've got a few more lawn gnomes to plant!" Zim said, waving cheekily as he walked away</p>
      <p>"I take it back. THAT was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my entire life." Nick said, floating by as he sat in his umbrella. He turned green, then vomited into the pus. "OOOGH!"</p>
      <p>"What HAPPENED?" Peeyoopi moaned.</p>
      <p>Dib blinked, then heard a hissing noise. His shadow crept up the wall, then became a silhouette of Ms. Bitters, who emerged from the shadow, walking up to Dib.</p>
      <p>"Dib, you will not leave school grounds until all this mess has been cleaned up." She hissed.</p>
      <p>Dib frowned angrily. "ME!?" He yelled, placing his hands on his chest. "But ZIM'S-"</p>
      <p>"SILENCE!" Ms. Bitters snapped, handing him a sponge. It was VERY tiny, only a small piece. Dib glanced down to see a full sponge floating nearby.</p>
      <p>"…can't I use <em>THAT</em> sponge?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"NO!" Ms. Bitters snapped, walking off.</p>
      <p>Dib turned around to look at the pus-filled classroom as Nick floated by, panting.</p>
      <p>"Okay, I think I'm all-<strong>BLOOOOOAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH</strong>!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…around 9:00 PM, Dib walked into his house, slamming the door open as he looked at Gaz, who was sitting on the couch, still reading "Punch Club."</p>
      <p>"You know…my underwear used to be <strong>WHITE</strong>!" Dib howled, clenching his fists as he stormed up the steps to his room. Gaz watched him go up the steps, then smiled to herself as Prof. Membrane walked into the living room.</p>
      <p>"So, have you and your brother had a good week at school, daughter?" He asked, adjusting his glasses.</p>
      <p>"For what it's worth, dad…I'VE had fun this week." Gaz said, smirking.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
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      <p>
        <strong>An episode like this is the reason many people watched the show. :) Review!</strong>
      </p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Invasion of the Idiotic Dog Brain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
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        <em>Get back Fluffy! Back Scruffy! Get-back-you-flea-in-fest-ed-mon-grel!</em>
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        <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
      </p><p>
        <strong>For the next two weeks, I've got LOTS of work to do in my Winter Session Psychology Class...I'll be in class for three hours straight every day so it will be MUCH harder to update. Still, I will do what I can!</strong>
      </p><p>
        <strong>In any case, don't forget to review. I think this is a nice little "bonding" chapter between Zim and GIR. Hope you enjoy it AND the cameo appearances!</strong>
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        <strong>INVASION OF THE IDIOTIC DOG BRAIN</strong>
      </p><p>"Why is it that whenever I befriend more than one "villain" I end up in a pit and having to put some kind of LOTION on my skin?" Nick muttered as he lay inside of a dark pit, sitting on his butt as he crossed his arms and his brow furrowed angrily.</p><p>"Now it puts the lotion on it's skin." GIR called out happily as he lowered a basket with hand cream lotion down into the pit.</p><p>"Alright, FINE!" Nick groaned as he took the hand cream out of the small basket and rubbed it on his hands. "See? Putting the lotion on my skin!"</p><p>Then white powder began to fall down. He blinked and looked up, shielding his eyes as best he could to see GIR had opened his head and was shaking himself like a salt or pepper shaker dumping it's contents onto a table.</p><p>"Now it's SNOWING!" GIR said happily.</p><p>"Is this BABY POWDER?!" Nick asked, holding out one hand. "Where the HECK?!"</p><p>Aboard The Massive, the Almighty Tallest's ship, the Tallest were watching a monitor as they hovered near the Planet Foodcourtia, having stopped for snacks. LOTS and LOTS of snacks.</p><p>…Purple likes snacks, okay?!</p><p>"There were some glitches in the security system, but thanks to my masterful repair skills, they've all been eradicated." Zim was bragging, beaming broadly.</p><p>He didn't notice a small child was walking around behind him in the living room. He had big, happy eyes, black hair that fell down around his head, and a purple t-shirt with a face on it.</p><p>"The fortress is now impenetrable!" Zim went on, eyes closed, smiling happily. "Absolutely-"</p><p>"Um, who's that little person behind you?" Purple asked, pointing with a long claw. "Is that a human CHILD?"</p><p>Zim whipped around. "HUH!? What the FRAG?!"</p><p>"There you are, Squee! What did I tell you about wandering off like that? Come on!" She remarked disapprovingly.</p><p>"Mom, I HATE that name, can't you just call me "Todd" in front of people?" Todd Casil asked his mother.</p><p>"I'm sorry. You're right. I'll be more considerate. Hey, how about we stop by Bloaty's? Would you like that?" Mrs. Casil asked.</p><p>"WOULD I!" Squee said happily as she walked back out the front door that GIR had, once more, left open</p><p>Purple smiled happily at this sight. "Awwww…I'm glad it had a happy ending after all!".</p><p>"And do you think if we invite Dad, he'll finally stop saying I ruined his life?" Squee asked his mother as they headed down the sidewalk.</p><p>His mother ruffled his hair. "Oh, honey…he'll NEVER stop saying that." She told him.</p><p>"GAAAH! Er…uh…I'll call you back later!" Zim exclaimed, holding his head, eyes wide with shock and horror.</p><p>"Hello?" Nick's voice called out. "Little help?"</p><p>The Tallest blinked. Purple spoke up. "Is that…that BOY, Nick?"</p><p><em><strong>"It gets the Nick Grey out of the hole!</strong></em>" Nick called out from the other room. "I have BABY POWDER up my BUTT, duuude!"</p><p>Zim pressed a button on the side of the wall and his living room picture of a green monkey with big eyes covered the transmission screen Zim had been using. Heading over to GIR, who was wearing a disguise and watching a commercial for "Krazy Taco" on the TV, Zim cleared his throat. "GIR! we're going down into the main system core. This much trouble with the security can only mean a defective artificial intelligence brain!" He said, not noticing the door had simply been left open. "I'll have to replace it!"</p><p>"Taaaaacos!" GIR said, his mouth elongating as he said the word.</p><p>Zim blinked, then sighed. "Just c'mon."</p><p>Jumping into the air AND removing his disguise in an impressive fashion, GIR followed Zim down to the main system core via the kitchen elevator. He followed his master down into the lower levels of the house, then walked across an energy bridge that glowed brightly, humming slightly.</p><p>"Da-da-da-da-daa! Da-da-da-da, da-da, da-daaa!" GIR sang out as they made their way into the main system core area.</p><p>"Okay, your part is simple, GIR. You just monitor the download conduit while I replace the old AI brain with this new one." Zim said.</p><p>Zim's PAK extended a mechanical arm which showed a replacement AI brain. He grabbed it and held it up, smirking. "My finest work so-"</p><p>"Taco taco taco!" GIR said, running around in circles.</p><p>"…look, all you have to do is watch the data beam for any fluctuations until the download of the new program is complete!"</p><p>GIR just wiggled his tongue around in the air. Zim sighed and pocketed the brain, clasping his hands together. "Just…PRETEND IT'S A TACO!"</p><p>THAT did it. GIR got into duty mode and saluted. Then he turned his head to look over at the data stream that was pouring over to the AI brain on a lower level just below where they were, an anti-gravity, floorless chamber.</p><p>"If there are any changes in the data...sigh…I mean, TACO BEAM…just let me know!" He instructed. He then jumped down to the anti-gravity area of the main system core, floating over to a small station where the AI brain lay as GIR kept watching the data beam. But…slowly but surely, he was turning back to his "normal" self. Soon he was playing with a moose toy he'd stored inside his head and giggling while Zim removed the AI Brain.</p><p>"10…9…8…" A countdown timer at the top counted the seconds off, while GIR chased after his moose toy, which had slipped underneath the data beam.</p><p>Zim held the new AI brain over his head and grinned. "Alright, GIR! I'm about to install the <strong>new brain!</strong>" He announced dramatically. GIR, meanwhile was reaching for the moose toy…his HEAD inside the data brain!</p><p>SCHWOOMP! Zim stuck the new brain into the slot where the old one had been and pressed a few buttons on the control console, looking satisified as the timer reached zero…</p><p>SHAC-WHOOOOM! Beams of light shot out from the new brain like it was a disco ball reflecting light and electricity burst forth from tubes that surrounded the main system core. That electricity raced through the data stream and RIGHT into the AI brain…with Zim still clutching it! He screamed as his antennae stood on end and his body spasmed, up, left, down, right…then he was thrown back onto the platform where GIR had been and snarled, turning around and dusting his sooty self off.</p><p>"GIR! What did you do? Were you SLEEPING?!" He tugged on his antennae in frustration. "All you had to do was just... GIR?" He blinked, confused. GIR wasn't moving. So he poked him in the back of the head and GIR fell down, his body grey and unmoving. "…broken!" He realized. "You really can't hear me?" He sighed and rubbed his temples. "LOVELY, I'll have to go upstairs and get another brain for the house and then I'll fix you! HONESTLY, GIR…sometimes I worry about you, I REALLY do."</p><p>He picked GIR up and carried him to the hover platform, which soon lifted them to the level that had the elevator, the same elevator which had taken them down in the first place.</p><p>"Elevator, take me to the storage level." Zim said, waiting for the elevator door to open.</p><p>WHIRRRRR…</p><p>"Elevator, I said-" Zim began again. But then…</p><p>"SAY PLEAAAAASE!"</p><p>Zim frowned and looked down at GIR. "GIR, quit messing around. We have to get the house's computer back online before-" He stopped. GIR still looked knocked out!</p><p>"WHERE'S MY MOOSE?" GIR's voice asked longingly.</p><p>Zim's eyes bugged out. "Wait…you're <strong>in</strong> the house's computer?"</p><p>It COULDN'T be!</p><p>"UH HUH." GIR's voice said.</p><p>"<strong>You're</strong> the new brain?" Zim gasped.</p><p>"I <em>GUESS</em> SO." GIR said, and if he could have, he would have shrugged.</p><p>Zim frowned angrily. "GIR! Get out of there right now and back into your own body!" He said, tossing GIR'S body to the floor of the elevator.</p><p>"OKAY, SHEESH! HOLD ON…"</p><p>GIR grunted a few times. "RRR! RRRR…I…KINDA CAN'T." He apologized.</p><p>Zim rubbed his chin. "Hmmm. The data conduit is damaged. You're trapped in there until we can repair it." Zim realized.</p><p>GIR extended a robotic arm from the wall and it squeezed the toy moose that Zim had been nice enough to bring on the elevator. "OOOOH! WEEE!"</p><p>"GIR! We need to concentrate here!" Zim shouted. His eyes narrowed in paranoid suspicion. "As we speak our defenses-"</p><p>"BORING!" GIR said, dropping the moose toy and grabbing ZIM, lifting him up and squeezing him with a robotic claw.</p><p>"GIR, what are you doing!? Put me down, GIR! Wah, stop! Oh, ow, my organ!" He yelled out.</p><p>GIR just giggled. "I WILL HUG YOU, AND SQUEEZE YOU, AND CALL YOU GEORGE!"</p><p>Quickly, Zim forced his way out of the claw's grip…but then MORE robotic claws emerged from the wall. Gasping, Zim pried the elevator door open and quickly squeezed inside just as it clamped shut, blocking the claws. GIR sang happily as Zim pressed against the wall of the elevator, panting.</p><p>"DOO-DOO-DA-DOO-DOO! DOO-DOO-DA-DOO, DA-DOO, DA-DOOO!"</p><p>Zim stomped his foot. "Take me to the equipment room, GIR! Equipment room! NOW, GIR!" He demanded.</p><p>"DO A LITTLE DANCE!" GIR asked.</p><p>"No, GIR! No dance! Just obey me!" Zim demanded.</p><p>"DAAAANCE!"</p><p>A speaker lowered itself from the ceiling as the song continued to play.</p><p>"NO!" Zim snapped. "I will not…I'm not DEGRADING…"</p><p>"DOO-DA-DOO-DA-DOO-DA-DOO-DA-DOO-DOOOO!"</p><p>Zim covered the spot where his "ears" would be, then after some time frowned and sighed, dancing and singing along with GIR. "Doo-da-doo-doo-da-doo, da-da-doo-doo-da-doo, doo-da-doo-doo-da-da-doo-doo-doo!"</p><p>"YAY! <strong>NOW</strong> WE GO UP!" GIR said happily.</p><p>FWOOOOOM! A screaming Zim was launched at top speed up the elevator and out the toilet in his kitchen, clear into the ceiling. He groaned as he peeled himself out, then fell to the toilet, bonking his head.</p><p>"OUCH!" He groaned, rubbing his head. "GIR, you…BOOB! You sent the elevator up too far! I'm up in the house, I needed to go to the equipment room!"</p><p>"WOOAH, WHAT'S THIS DO!?" GIR asked as a blender suddenly popped out of the wall on a robotic arm, turning on. Then the OVEN began to bounce around the house, opening and closing.</p><p>"NOW I'M GONNA MAKE…" GIR paused dramatically as a mechanical arm slowly lifted out from the wall and aimed a big, round thing at Zim, who gulped. A weapon!?</p><p>"<strong>TOAST</strong>!"</p><p>POP-POP! Two pieces bounced off his face. He frowned.</p><p>"GIR! I am ordering you to take me to the equipment room!" He demanded.</p><p>All of the appliances in the house began to dance around as "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy" began to play.</p><p>"AW, DON'T BE SAD, MASTER...I KNOW WHAT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL ALLLL BETTER!"</p><p>"It would make me feel better to have this house back to normal!" Zim muttered, looking to the side. "AND to have you listen to me for once!"</p><p>"UH HUH…BUT HOW ABOUT SOME OF THIS?" GIR asked, as he sent a bunch of monitors to hover around Zim, playing lots of old cartoons and plenty of commercials.</p><p>"…He's got to run himself out eventually." Zim insisted, folding his arms across his chest and grinning. "I'll just wait. I can outlast him!"</p><p>
        <strong>SFX: French Voice speaking</strong>
      </p><p>
        <em>ONE…YEAR…LATER…</em>
      </p><p>Zim's eye twitched as the appliances continued to dance into oblivion around him. He now had a fine beard growing from his face, which he ripped off a moment later as he screamed, shaking his head.</p><p>"The madness! This is madness!"</p><p><strong>"This...is...SPAR-TA!"</strong> A bearded man on a television hovering nearby shouted, seemingly in response to Zim's outcry, making GIR laugh madly.</p><p>MEANWHILE…</p><p>"Can you believe he's been gone for a year?" Dib said happily, holding up "Poopsi" can. Gaz was eating pizza while Nick clinked his root beer can along with Dib.</p><p>"A year of being stuck in his own house will do him some good. More importantly, I FINALLY worked up the courage to get to second base with Kelsey!" Nick said happily as he grinned broadly.</p><p>"I'm just glad you finally got all that powder off…and OUT…of you." Gaz said. "You smelled like ASS."</p><p>"Yeah, staying around Zim too long and "playing" with GIR CAN'T be that good for me." Nick admitted sheepishly.</p><p>Then he saw people in "Bloaty's" were staring at him. "Hey, <strong>nothing</strong> happened between me and Zim!"</p><p>"Well…that's not what <strong>I</strong> heard!" Jhonen Vasquez snickered.</p><p>"Well I'VE heard unflattering things on how you and White survived that iceberg crash!" Dib remarked.</p><p>"Yeah, we…" Jhonen looked guiltily down. "We had to eat each other to survive. Which reminds me…" He held up a doggy bag. "I've got some "Albert Johnston" left over, who wants a breast? They're SUPER huge, I'm talkin' at LEAST 15 pounds!" He called out, waving it in the air.</p><p>"Ooh, I need some meat to coat the closet to keep the beast within at bay!" A grungy-looking janitor nicknamed "Nny" said, waving his long arm in the air. "Is it bloody?"</p><p>Jhonen peeked inside the bag, then plugged his nose with his fingers. "Yep. PREEEETTY bloody!"</p><p>"Say, when's dad supposed to come again?" Gaz wondered. "Cuz I'M not payin' for this…"</p><p>"He said he might be late…" Dib said, shrugging.</p><p>MEANWHILE <strong>AGAIN!</strong></p><p>"GIR!" Zim begged. "Let me down bellow so that I can make everything normal again!"</p><p>Then it happened. A commercial for "Krazy Taco" appeared on a screen, showing a man dressed in a taco suit. He stretched his arms out, grinning. "So take it from me, the Krazy Taco! You won't find a crazier taco then the ones you'll find at the Krazy Taco! Remember, our Drive-Thru's open the whole niiight! Sweet jumpin' chili bean I'm crazy!"</p><p>WOOP! All the monitors hovered away…even the one showing the SCARY MONKEY SHOW! And he had been picking his nose! What was not to love?</p><p>"MUST OBEY THE TACO MAN!" GIR said in a hypnotized tone.</p><p>"AAA!" Zim shouted as he grabbed the floor as the house shook wildly. "What's going ON?!"</p><p>"TAAAAACOOOOOOS!" GIR called out.</p><p>Zim ran to the front window, gasping as mechanical tentacles burst forth from the lawn. The satellite at the top of the house, the tentacles attached to the neighboring houses, all of them retracted into the house. The house then spread apart into two sections, lifting up and showing it now had HUGE, robotic legs. In fact, it looked somewhat like…a DOG! And as it broke free of the ground, the tentacles trailing behind it like a TAIL, it looked even more so as it walked into the center of the street, shaking mud off it's "person".</p><p>SPLOOSH! A man who had been walking a spooky Chihuahua saw the house and blinked.</p><p>"THERE'S something y'all don't see everyday."</p><p>Cheering, GIR forced the house to run along the street as Zim crawled around, trying to hold onto the window.</p><p>"Great jumpin' chili bean!" Zim shouted in horror…and in an accent!</p><p>"I'M GONNA GET ME SOME OF THESE TACOS!" GIR proclaimed.</p><p>"GIR, you have to go back! The base is exposed!" Zim screeched. "You'll blow our cover! Turn back while we're still unnoticed-AAA!" He rolled backwards into the kitchen and groaned as GIR leapt over Jhonen's house…</p><p>"Yeah, I just got it and man do I love it! I'm gonna drive all night and then I'm gonna keep on driving until it's night some more! Oh yeah!" Principal Prickley said as he looked at his new "Siddown".</p><p>…and the house came right…down…on his car. He blinked, then dialed the cops. "Police! I'd like to report a... giant house that flew out of the sky and destroyed my car! Okay, thank you!" He put the phone down.</p><p>Then he screamed, tugged at his hair, and flailed his arms around, wailing madly.</p><p>Two cops looked at each other as a report came on in their car. "Be on the lookout for a giant mobile home rampaging through the downtown area!"</p><p>"CAN mobile homes rampage?" One of the cops wondered out loud.</p><p>"Must be one of them new ones!" His buddy pondered.</p><p>WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO!</p><p>"AAA! The Philadelphia Fuzz!" Zim exclaimed, seeing that the house was being tailed by cops outside the window. "GIR, I don't think you understand how serious this is! Tacos are not worth ruining the mission!"</p><p>He pointed upwards. "I am your master, and you will obey me! Obey me!"</p><p>Nothing. So he did the only thing he could think of…he got on his knees and clasped his claws together. "Pleeease?"</p><p>The house stopped.</p><p>"MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT." GIR said.</p><p>Zim beamed. "YES! Now-"</p><p>"I MEAN, IT'S IMPORTANT THAT I CONSIDER YOUR FEELINGS TOO, AFTER ALL, WE LIVE TOGETHER AND IT IS IMPORTANT THAT...WAIT...WHAT WERE WE JUST TALKING ABOUT?"</p><p>"…oh, come ON! Is TACOS all you can think of?" Zim groaned.</p><p>"OH, RIGHT! I'M GONNA GET <strong><em>TACOS</em></strong>! AND MAYBE I'LL GETS ME A GIANT BURRITO TOO!" GIR said, smelling tacos in the air and continuing to run. He trampled over a gas truck and the owner ran for his life as the gasoline spilled in the streets and the "GIR House" stood on it's hind legs, waving it's forelegs in the air like a horse. "BUUUURRRRIIIITTOOO!" He roared out.</p><p>"Oh boy." Zim said as he saw a street lamp fall from a lamp post nearby, hitting the gasoline and starting a firey explosion that roared through the night sky. The cops immediately zoomed in on that explosion and now the entire squad was after Zim!</p><p>MEANWHILE, at the Krazy Taco Fast Food restaurant, one employee was calmly picking his nose as he took orders through a pair of headphones.</p><p>"Yeah, pull up to the second drive through window. Next!"</p><p>Zim's screams got closer and closer. Not that HE could hear. ANOTHER car had pulled up to the drive through window.</p><p>"Thanks for coming to Krazy Taco, may I take your order please-OH, WOW!" He looked down at his booger. "It looks like "Jabba the Hutt"!" He announced.</p><p>"…I'm going to McMeaties." The man in line said, zooming away. And guess who was next in line?</p><p>"Okay, thank you for coming to Krazy Taco, may I take your order please?"</p><p>"I'D LIKE TWO TACOS, A BURRITO, AND A MEDIUM-"</p><p><strong><em>"GIR, TAKE US BACK TO BASE RIGHT NOW!"</em></strong> Zim screeched, now hanging from a chandelier in the kitchen…when did he get THAT installed?</p><p>"Okay, that's two large tacos, a burrito and a medium GIR, take us back to the base right now, do you want a drink with that?" The man operating the drive-through inquired, not REALLY looking out the window to see who was parked before the drive-through speaker.</p><p>"I am your MASTER, you must OBEY!" Zim cried. "GIR! Take us back! GIR!"</p><p>"WHAT KINDA DRINKS YA GO?" GIR asked.</p><p>"Oh, "New Poop", "Classic Poop", "Diet Poop", "Cherry Poop" and "Salty Lemonade"."</p><p>"OOH, SALTY LEMONADE...THAT'S <strong>NEW</strong>!" GIR said.</p><p>"Yep!"</p><p>"DO YOU HAVE ANY "CROAK" PRODUCTS?"</p><p>"Nope, sorry." The man remarked, flicking "Jabba the Hutt" into his manager's hair as she walked by.</p><p>"OKAY, I THINK I'M GONNA GO WITH A LARGE, CLASSIC "POOPSI"."</p><p>Zim groaned as he heard sirens in the air. Dropping from the chandelier, he ran to the window and saw the cop cars approaching.</p><p>"EEEK!" He gasped.</p><p>"Pick up your order at the first window." The employee said.</p><p>Heading over to a window with a little "taco shell" covering over it, GIR-House crouched down to try and fit under it but ended up breaking it into little pieces. The employee held his order out the window in a small brown bag and placed it through the window of the Gir-House, which Zim approached.</p><p>"Here you go, sir." The employee said, still not really LOOKING at the house.</p><p>"I LOVE THE LITTLE TACOS. I LOVE 'EM <em>GOOD</em>!" GIR-House said wistfully.</p><p>"HA!" Zim rushed forward, rolled across the floor, and, as spy music played, snatched up the bag containing the tacos and held them up triumphantly. "YES!" He said, grinning.</p><p>"Have a nice day." The employee of Krazy Taco remarked.</p><p>BONK! Zim tossed a wad of cash into the employee's face and frowned at him. "Shut your noise tube, taco human!"</p><p>The employee just reached down, picked the cash up, put it away and went back to picking his nose. Satisfied that he was too busy counting the roll of cash to notice the big house that was ordering tacos just outside, GIR held the bag of tacos up and smirked, calling out in a sing-song voice.</p><p>"GIIIIIR!"</p><p>"YES, MASTER?" GIR asked.</p><p>"GIIIIR…I have your taaaaacoooos!" He crooned</p><p>"OOOH! GIMME!" GIR begged.</p><p>"NO, GIR." Zim said, shaking his head.</p><p>"BUT I <strong>NEEEEEED</strong> TACOS! I NEED 'EM OR I WILL EXPLODE! THAT HAPPENS TO ME SOMETIMES!"</p><p>Zim nodded his head to the side slightly. This was true. Then he grinned. "Oh, I will give you tacos!" He clenched his claws, grinning evilly. "<strong>Oh</strong>, such tacos will I <strong>give</strong>! But you have to take us back to the base! They're only getting colder, GIR!"</p><p>"AAA! NOT <strong>THAT</strong>!" GIR screamed.</p><p>WEEE-WOO, WEEEE-WOOOO!</p><p>The cop cars pulled up behind them…and JETS were now flying overhead…but they were not match for a Taco-Starved GIR! He squealed and leapt onto the piled-up cop cars just behind them, sending them all flying through the air…save for one Officer Pambrey, who chased after GIR-House as GIR leapt through the air, galloping over City Center Mall…</p><p>CRASH!</p><p>BANG!</p><p>BOOM!</p><p>TINKLE-TINKLE…</p><p>…they lost many a good car to the walls of the mall.</p><p>…And Officer Pambrey to Super Shrimp Sundays at Red Lobster.</p><p>…well, eventually GIR made his way back to the neighborhood, smushing and crushing a few houses as he did so before heading back to his own "spot". It was like the saying went, the bigger they were, the more catastrophically irreversible the property damage! :)</p><p>Inserting himself into the ground, the mechanical tentacles shot back into the neighboring houses, knocking one such neighbor who had been TRYING to put some wood planks up to the floor. Just when he thought he'd gotten rid of those mechanical tentacles they'd popped back up and NOW one accidentally attached to his forehead!</p><p>Soon, GIR was using a mechanical arm to try and maneuver a taco to his mouth. One problem though…</p><p>"WHERE'S MY <strong>MOUTH!?</strong>" He complained, banging the taco against the wall over and over. Zim folded his arms and looked triumphant. He HAD him!</p><p>"Are you going to cooperate, GIR? It's time we fixed all of this mess and got you back to normal!"</p><p>"…OKEY DOKEY ARTICHOKEY!" GIR agreed, handing the taco to Zim. "HERE, YOU CAN HAVE <strong>THIS</strong> ONE!"</p><p>"Thank you, GIR!" Zim said happily. "Now, take me to the equipment room…PLEASE." He added, nodding his head.</p><p>SOME TIME LATER…ABOARD THE MASSIVE…</p><p>"Wow." Purple said, lowering his soda. "Were the tacos that good?"</p><p>"The tacos were that good." Zim admitted, nodding his head.</p><p>"Please tell me that the local authorities know where you are and, as of this moment, are swarming around your house to drag you out and beat you to death!" Red begged tearfully, clasping his claws together.</p><p>Zim just shrugged and smiled happily. "Nope, there's nothing to worry about! There were a few problems, some glitches here and there, but despite these minor mishaps, everything is normal again!"</p><p>GIR, out of his disguise and wearing a Krazy Taco hat, was chomping away at a taco. Zim turned around, smiled at the sight, then went on. "If possible, things are even more normal now than they ever were!"</p><p>THE MORNING AFTER, AT BLOATY'S PIZZA HOG…</p><p>
        <strong>BGM: Holiday, by Weezer</strong>
      </p><p>People were strewn all over. A kid had two French fries stuck into nose and "Loser" written on his forehead. The Letter M was clutching onto a pineapple, fast asleep. Dib was lying atop a mechanical piggy, groaning in pain…he had an empty cup on the top of his head. Gaz walked alongside Nick, who was rubbing his head, groaning.</p><p>
        <em>
          <strong>Let's go away for a while…you and I…to a strange and distant land!</strong>
        </em>
      </p><p>"I had WAY too much root beer…but it was a real decent party…" Nick admitted.</p><p>"I dunno, seemed kind of-" Gaz began. Then she blinked, noticing Jhonen Vasquez was passed out across a table with a girl in each hand and two more lying nearby. "…okay, I'll give you decent." She admitted.</p><p>
        <em>
          <strong>Hol-i-day! Far away! We'll get to say on a Hol-i-day! Far away! Let's go today, to a hot beaaach! Hooooo-oooot Beach! Hooo-oooot Beach!</strong>
        </em>
      </p><p>Dib rubbed his head and woke up, blinking his eyes behind his glasses. "Ugh…how long were we here for?"</p><p>"All night, I think…" Nick said. "I think that Keef's still in the ball pit!"</p><p>"THERE'S A SHARK IN HERE!" Keef screamed, paddling around madly, trying to escape a great white shark that was chasing after him in the ball pit. Nick gasped and dove inside while Dib and Gaz looked around.</p><p>"And dad didn't show…FIGURES. He never does, why am I not surprised-" Gaz muttered.</p><p>The door opened and Prof. Membrane stood there, adjusting his goggles. "Sorry I'm late, son and daughter!" He said. "But I'm only 10 hours behind schedule! In any case, who was it you wanted me to meet in person?"</p><p>
        <em>
          <strong>Let's go away! Let's go away! On a Hol-i-day!</strong>
        </em>
      </p><p>Nick emerged from the ball pit, Keef slung over his shoulder, the great white shark punched squarely on the snout, holding onto it and crying as it ran out the door. Nick put Keef down and looked up at Membrane, blinking. "So YOU'RE Professor Membrane! Nice to actually meet you in person…you're REALLY familiar!" He admitted.</p><p>The professor stood there, his eyes visibly wide behind his goggles. He quivered for a few moments.</p><p>"…NICK?...is that…you?" He whispered.</p><p>"Do you know me?" Nick asked.</p><p>
        <em>
          <strong>On a hot beeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaa-aaaach!</strong>
        </em>
      </p><p>(Music ends)</p><p>Membrane took off his goggles and Nick suddenly recognized the unmistakable brown eyes of his dear friend from Grade School…</p><p>"MATT?!"</p></div></div></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Big Bad Rubber Piggy</h2></a>
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        <em>Better than the first time! Better than the worse time! If I could just reverse tiiiime...I'd be set!</em>
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      <p>
        <strong>BIG BAD RUBBER PIGGY</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Matt. Matt. His old friend since he was in 6th grade! And he'd MARRIED…and taken his wife's name. His now-dead wife…</p>
      <p>Out of respect for her he'd never changed it. Nick was so PROUD of Matt, he thought now as he stood behind a camera at Membrane studios, helping his friend out as Matthew Membrane hosted his own show. He'd finally made it in the world…and HOW!</p>
      <p>The inventor of Super Toast, a dozen different theorems and proofs, AND he had his own TV show, what more could he have hoped from his best friend?</p>
      <p>As camera lights shone down in a blue/purple-tinted studio, Membrane held his hands behind himself as he looked out at the large throng of well-wishers who were all cheering for him.</p>
      <p>"Oh Matty, I wanna have your babies!" One middle-aged woman with a beehive-like haircut asked.</p>
      <p>EW. Prof. Membrane adjusted his glasses as a child was accidentally sucked into the ceiling…AGAIN…by a tube that had fallen out. He REALLY had to fix that. Right after this show, that is!</p>
      <p>"First of all, thanks once again to Dr. Faulky and his <em>miserably</em> failed attempt at a better cold fusion. It was HIGHLY entertaining." He remarked, raising an eyebrow. He smirked behind the large labcoat who's top covered his mouth and looked around the room. "Now, let's take a question from the audience."</p>
      <p>WOOOP! A microphone on a mechanical arm went over to a boy who was standing on a raised platform, underneath a camera. "My mommy makes me eat breakfast chunks for breakfast. But I hate them!" He announced. His voice suddenly echoed, filled with raw HATE. "I HATE THEM SO MUCH! Can'tcha go back in time and stop 'em from ever being invented?"</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane flicked his hair back slightly. "Actually, I'm glad you asked something like that! You see, altering the past to effect the present is theoretically possible!"</p>
      <p>He snapped his fingers and a floating monitor hovered nearby. It showed a kid trying to chip away at a chunk of…well…some kind of square-like brain cereal. "You could prevent Walton Chunky from ever inventing Breakfast Chunks by using temporal object replacement technology!"</p>
      <p>The monitor showed a brown-haired man who was working at a car-crushing machine in a dump. A sack of bran was next to him…Walton been snacking on it since he needed more of the stuff in his diet.</p>
      <p>"See, there's Walton Chunky in the past and he once worked in a garbage dump. Now HERE is where he gets the idea for Breakfast Chunks…"</p>
      <p>CHOOOM! Walton pulled on a lever and the compressor crushed the car into a block. Walton then looked at the fist full of bran he'd just snatched up and got an idea, shaping it into a chunk and smirking.</p>
      <p>"Oh, look, he's happy!" Membrane remarked. "Now, using a space time transfer device, we could…HYPOTHETICALLY of course…" He added, raising a finger in the air. "Replace an object from the past with an object from the present and stop this moment from ever happening."</p>
      <p>This "hypothetically" really meant "I tried it already" in Science-ese, but don't tell anyone!</p>
      <p>The monitor soon showed his fellow scientists situated around a large jar that was about to send a giant, one-eyed squid into a time portal that was a swirling, crackling blue flux of energy. WOOP! Into the portal it went…</p>
      <p>Now the monitor showed the brain sack being replaced with a gigantic squid and the carnage that resulted was just…AWFUL.</p>
      <p>"OOH. Remember children, your legs are NOT supposed to bend that way." Prof. Membrane added. "Now, it's true this might prevent bran chunks from being made, BUT…if the Breakfast Cube was never invented, tasty breakfast <strong>squids</strong> would sweep the nation!" He added ominously.</p>
      <p>The monitor now showed the boy from before sitting in front of a bowl near a box of "Breakfast Squid". A few moments later two tentacles shot out from the bowl and the boy pulled the squid out of the bowl as he ran around the kitchen, the thing sucking on his head as the kitchen was reduced to a state of rubble. The carnage was just…AWFUL.</p>
      <p>"Further unpredictable effects would arise, as a result of mankind's foolish altering of the time line!" Prof. Membrane added. He snapped his fingers and the monitor changed to show Present-Day Tokyo. A giant fish in a bear suit was lumbering about the city. It went up to a school bus and promptly stuffed the thing in it's mouth, chewing.</p>
      <p>"Behold one consequence…this giant fish in a bear suit! He would be horrible! Look at him go! So in short children, messing with the flow of time would be DISASTROUS!" Prof. Membrane insisted. "Despite the temptation, altering the time line is more foolish than productive! Anybody who would build a space time object replacement device is a complete moron!"</p>
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          <strong>Moron…</strong>
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        <em>
          <strong>Moron…</strong>
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        <em>
          <strong>Moron…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>"I like this show." GIR said as he sat in front of a TV monitor that stood by a large, red-colored space/time object replacement device in Zim's underground laboratory. Zim popped up from behind the metallic portal generator with a wrench in his hand, looking proud of himself.</p>
      <p>"GIR! The space time object replacement device is ready!" He announced.</p>
      <p>GIR, out of his disguise, walked away from the monitor holding onto a rubber piggy toy like it was an airplane, making zooming noises and giggling as he raced around the room.</p>
      <p>Pressing some buttons on a control panel near the machine, Zim looked up at another monitor that showed some children punching a wobbling alien toy and laughing. The words "Past: Dib" were shown in the lower right hand corner, and sure enough, Dib was on a tricycle with Gaz, wearing a bow, standing behind him. Dib was looking down the hill at the kids who were playing with the toy and apparently thought it was a REAL alien.</p>
      <p>"An alien! Stand back! I'll get it!" He announced.</p>
      <p>Gaz smacked her forehead, sighing. "Not AGAIN." She mumbled. "Why couldn't I have been born with a <strong>brother</strong>?"</p>
      <p>"Ha-ha-ha!" Zim laughed. "I get it! She's calling him a GIRL." He always found Gaz's little quips funny. Freezing the frame that showed Dib riding his tryke, Zim clenched his claws together, smirking. "There! Dib in the past. So unknowing, so unprepared." He whispered. "Back before he was ever a threat to our mission, GIR!"</p>
      <p><em>Zim, WHAT are you doing? </em>The narrator asked, sounding very irritated.</p>
      <p>Walking to a control panel near a large, round storage device and pulling a lever, a mechanical assault robot was lowered to the ground, with two large arms that had two robotic, segmented claws on them, gun turrets on it's shoulders, a light blue optic sensor at the front, treads AND a stylish purple paint job…</p>
      <p>Yes, purple. Zim LIKED the color purple…</p>
      <p>This was his latest and "greatest" plan. GIR walked over, still clutching his rubber piggy. "Ooooooooooooooh!"</p>
      <p>"Behold! A hunter destroyer ma-" Zim began.</p>
      <p>"What is it!?" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>Zim frowned and started again. "A hunter destroy-"</p>
      <p>"What is it!?"</p>
      <p>Zim rolled his eyes. "<strong>A hunter destroyer machine,</strong> programmed to target the Earth boy in the past, to insure that he will not be a problem to us in the present!"</p>
      <p><em>Hey, hold on! You can't just KILL him! </em>The narrator yelled. <em>He's only a TODDLER right now! It's murder, pure and simple! Now I've let you slid on that weather balloon thing last week, and I sent you snacks through the air ducts when GIR was in charge of the house and I have YET to punish you for those WEASELS…</em></p>
      <p>"You <strong>said</strong> you were going to let that one <strong>GO</strong>!" Zim snapped, waving his fist in the air.</p>
      <p>
        <em>And YOU said you had put batteries in the remote, so I guess that makes us even. I am NOT letting you MURDER-</em>
      </p>
      <p>"FOOL!" Zim yelled. "He deserves this fate for every anguish he's ever caused me! Revenge is a dish best served cold…" He clenched his claws. "And it will be cold. I'll deliver sub-zero revenge upon him!"</p>
      <p>With a horrid laugh, Zim headed over to the space/time object replacement device as the HDM moved around, activating. GIR, however, looked confused as Zim began to imagine what ruling the Earth would be like, and, more important, what size CROWN he would need to order. "Wait, if you destroyed Dib in the past, then he won't ever be your enemy, then you won't have to send a robot back to destroy him, and then he will be your enemy so you will have to send a robot back-"</p>
      <p>BA-BOOOM! <strong>PARADOX!</strong> GIR's head exploded and he fell over, body smoking as the head rolled around neabry. Rolling his eyes, Zim pressed a few buttons on the control panel as the HDM approached the time portal opening and GIR's head popped back into place. "Now, to unleash screaming temporal doom!" Zim laughed, pointing up into the air like he liked to do.</p>
      <p>WOOOP! The HDM went inside the portal and…</p>
      <p>Was immediately spat back out with a THA-THUNK.</p>
      <p>"OBJECT NOT COMPATIBLE WITH TEMPORTAL FIELD." The computer announced.</p>
      <p>Zim groaned. "Not compatible!? Is this thing just completely useless!? <strong>Not compatible!</strong> FRAG IIIIIT!" He kicked the control panel angrily.</p>
      <p><em>HA</em><em>!</em> The narrator laughed.</p>
      <p>In anger, Zim grabbed GIR'S rubber piggy from out of GIR's hand and flung it. It bounced off the HDM and…PLOOP! Went into the time portal!</p>
      <p>"OBJECT ACCEPTED, TEMPORTAL DISPLACEMENT IN PROCESS!"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked stupidly. "HUH?!"</p>
      <p>The monitor nearest to him showed Dib riding his tryke towards the blow-up alien toy, looking determined. "An alien! Stand back, I'll get it!" He laughed happily. "Beware, alien, I'm gonna-"</p>
      <p>BOINK!</p>
      <p>The tryke became replaced with GIR'S rubber piggy. Dib let out a gasp, then crashed into the ground, went flying through the air and hit a nearby tree so hard that the bark from the other side actually fell off.</p>
      <p>"Take... that..." He groaned.</p>
      <p>"BOINK?" GIR asked. "Scientific progress goes BOINK?"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE, Gaz was watching TV while Dib walked in, holding up a box of "Count Cocofang's "Cocosplodies" and shaking it in the air. "Hey, Gaz, did you eat all the cereal? I was gonna have this for breakfast tomorrow, you know!"</p>
      <p>Gaz tossed him a look. "You think you own all the cereal. Well you know what Dib, you don't, you just don't!" She snapped, eyes bugging out slightly. Seeing as she hadn't threatened to remove his voice box, Dib realized she was in a good mood, and this meant he MIGHT be able to convince her on this point.</p>
      <p>He sighed. "Look, all I'm saying is if you're going to-"</p>
      <p>FWOOSH! A flash of light occurred and now there were BUMPS on Dib's face…and he was missing a front tooth…and one arm was a robotic clamp/claw. Even his VOICE was different. "What was I saying?" He blinked stupidly. "Gaz, have I always sounded this funny?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Gaz shrugged. "Long as I've known you."</p>
      <p>"And…have I always had this claw for a hand?" He asked, lifting up his right arm.</p>
      <p>"Tricycle accident when you were three, don't you remember?" Gaz asked, a vague hint of sympathy in her voice. Perhaps it was his pitiful condition that made her feel bad for him. If he was gonna get hurt, SHE wanted to be the one doing it. She always felt that Dib deserved what happened to him because of his obsession with paranormal investigations. If he'd been a more normal brother, then…</p>
      <p>Dib put one finger to his lip, thinking. "Hmmm, now that you mention it, I do."</p>
      <p>Then a commercial for Bloaty's Pizza Hog appeared on the TV screen. "Heeey! You eat the pizza!" Bloaty the INCREDIBLY Obese Pig-Costumed man ordered as he held up a pizza with various pig parts on it as toppings. Seeing those pig parts made Dib's eyes widen in fear as he quivered. "The pig... it haunts me!"</p>
      <p>Zim's monitors were viewing ALL of this and he rubbed his chin in interest. "Fascinating! Not the same as the hunter destroyer plan, but I might be able to rid myself of Dib after all!"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, GIR was sobbing, his tears forming a puddle below. "Whyyy!?" He sobbed, pounding the floor. "Why my piggy!? I love-ed you, piggy! I love-ed you!"</p>
      <p>Zim was about to say something when the monitor showed a news report. "And in other news, giant fish people are rampaging through the city!"</p>
      <p>"HI MOM!" A giant fish in a bear suit called out, waving his big hand. Then a reptilian monster suddenly emerged from the ocean and people who's mouths weren't in synch with what they were saying pointed up at it.</p>
      <p>"It's Godzillaaaaa!"</p>
      <p>"NO! According to International Copyright Laws, it's NOT!" Another shouted.</p>
      <p>"Still, we should run and scream like it IS Godzilla!" His friend added.</p>
      <p>"No it ISN'T!" The second added with a sly smile before the two screamed, tugged at their hair, then ran off as the reptile monster and the fish in a bear suit began to b-i-t-c-h slap each other in oddly entertaining scene.</p>
      <p>"…er…I can fix that." Zim remarked, changing the channel back to "Past-O-Vision". Now it showed Dib had a helmet on his head and he was six years old.</p>
      <p>"You're gonna get in trouble as soon as Dad finds out you took his hover helmet!" Gaz remarked.</p>
      <p>"I'll put it right BACK!" Dib added. "I just wanna see if I could make it into space with this thing!"</p>
      <p>"But won't you explode if your head goes up into space?" Gaz asked.</p>
      <p>"Actually, no." Dib began. "You see…"</p>
      <p>"I'm a little tea-pot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout!" GIR sang, doing the teapot dance. "When I get all steamed up, hear me shout! Then tip…" He tipped himself. "Me over and pour me out!"</p>
      <p>"…and that's how it works!" Dib finished up in the past.</p>
      <p>"So you're gonna go against dad's orders to fool around with a helmet that'll make you fly? Wow. You're up a notch in my book." Gaz said as the hover hemlet rumbled and began to lift Dib up into the air. "Which puts you at notch ONE." She added.</p>
      <p>"GIR! Another pig!" Zim ordered.</p>
      <p>
        <em>Zim, don't you DARE-</em>
      </p>
      <p>GIR walked over to a control panel, pressing some buttons as a panel opened up nearby and another pig popped out. GIR cried softly, than handed the pig to Zim.</p>
      <p>"Wow!" Six-Year-Old Dib said on the monitor as he looked around the neighborhood, high up in the air. "Now I can spy on the family of Nosferatus, the ones that just moved in down the street!"</p>
      <p>BOINK!</p>
      <p>The hover helmet was replaced with a rubber piggy. Down he went!</p>
      <p>
        <strong>KA-CRASH!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"OH GOD, MY <em><strong>SPLEEEEEN</strong></em>!" He cried out.</p>
      <p>"WOAH." Gaz said, eyes going wide as she watched him go through the road and a large fountain of cess popped out from the cracks.</p>
      <p>In the present day, Gaz was now sucking on a lollipop, watching "Discovery Channel" as some bats were attacking some bats.</p>
      <p>"So anyhow, I was thinking I'd try one of Dad's old cloaking jackets and go spy on Zim's house!" Dib said, wearing a large cloak over his body.</p>
      <p>Gaz put a finger up to her mouth. "Dib, shhh, they're gonna show the bats eating a cow!" She whispered.</p>
      <p>There were horrid "mooing" sounds along with crunching noises. Dib held up his special spying camera and looking around the room to demonstrate his point. "Whatever! I'm gonna sneak up past those giant gnomes and-"</p>
      <p>BOINK!</p>
      <p>Now his hair looked even WORSE. Some of his teeth was missing, a large vein was running across his head and there was a machine attached to his back that was pumping air into his lungs through his neck via tubes. He wasn't wearing the cloak anymore but WAS holding onto a piece of paper. "Leave a nasty…nasty message not on his…his door, his…Gaz, have I always had these tubes in my neck? He moaned out, barely able to speak.</p>
      <p>Gaz sighed. "Hover helmet accident when you were six. Punched a hole through it in the sewer system, don't you remember?" She spoke again. Her voice had more sympathy in it than it had before, he looked so…AWFUL. Gaz had wanted a normal brother who would be strong, someone to look up to because she had no mother figure and her dad was never really AROUND. Dib had disappointed her, but since he was PHYSICALLY unable to be a good brother rather than emotionally like he'd been before Zim's fiddling, she had more tolerance towards him.</p>
      <p>"And have my plans always been this lame?"</p>
      <p>Zim's fiddling with the time stream be darned. Gaz's response was short and sweet. "<strong>Oh yeah</strong>." It was true that his plans were getting SLIGHTLY better with each day, but he still had a LONG way to go before he was really competent at Zim-busting.</p>
      <p>Dib's eye twitched. "And these visions of pigs in my head... What's with these pigs!?"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, at the lab, the tricycle and hover helmet were on pedestals, smoking from the result of replacing objects in time. Zim looked through some empty canisters, trying to find rubber piggies but to no avail. Where DID his robot keep them? He was SURE they'd been in here!</p>
      <p>"More piggies, GIR! I demand more piggies!" he shouted.</p>
      <p>GIR ran up and handed Zim a piggy. Eyeing GIR suspiciously, Zim tucked it under his arm and held out his hand. "GIIIIR…"</p>
      <p>GIR's antenna retracted and his head opened up as hundreds of rubber piggies soared through the air, piling all around. GIR giggled shamefully.</p>
      <p>"No hiding them, GIR! These are for science!" Zim insisted, holding up one rubber piggy. "SCIENCE!"</p>
      <p>GIR began to cry again.</p>
      <p>GIR's antennae bends to the side and his eyes water.</p>
      <p>"Don't worry GIR, I'll make it up to you. When I rule the world…you can have the <strong>MOOOON</strong>." Zim promised.</p>
      <p>"Sniff…<em>okay</em>…" GIR said sadly. Smiling, he then dove into the pile of rubber piggies as Zim turned to his insidious device, grinning.</p>
      <p>"NOW...back to doing filthy evil!" He laughed.</p>
      <p>Now his monitor showed Dib at age 9. He was holding onto a camera with one hand whilst he clung to the bars of a playground structure with his claw hand, looking at a VERY hairy being that appeared to be</p>
      <p>"It's a big foot baby! I know it!" Dib announced to himself AND for the camera's sake.</p>
      <p>"Leave me alone!" The hairy baby said, climbing to the top of the playground structure which seemed to defy safety regulations, being about three stories tall.</p>
      <p>"Nobody has ever gotten footage this close before!" Dib thought out load.</p>
      <p>"Oh, c'mon!" The Bigfoot child moaned. "I'm…I'm just a regular kid who wants to eat grubs!"</p>
      <p>"Oh, you'll eat your grubs, Sasquatch! In a-"</p>
      <p>Before Dib could finish, another BOINK and a flash of light occurred and a rubber piggy replaced his camera. Gasping in surprise, Dib let go of the structure and…</p>
      <p>BANG!</p>
      <p>"OUCH. That looks PAINFUL!" The Bigfoot kid remarked.</p>
      <p>In the present, Dib was getting weaker and weaker, more veins appearing on his face, his eyes becoming rd. GIR, meanwhile, was running around, singing as he held another rubber piggy. "Doo dee doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo dee doo dee doo, doo!"</p>
      <p>He headed to the front door, going up the elevator and opened up the door, seeing Dib in his…state.</p>
      <p>"AAAA!" He screamed.</p>
      <p>Dib saw the rubber piggy. The dots connected.</p>
      <p>"ZIIIIIM!" He howled, rushing forward and banging on the front door QUITE loudly. Zim's antennae perked up as he heard Dib's shouts.</p>
      <p>"I know you're behind the piggies, Zim! I don't know how, but I know that it's you! Rubber piggies have ruined my life, and its all been of you!"</p>
      <p>Zim laughed cruelly. "So close to victory!"</p>
      <p><em>You're a MONSTER! </em>The narrator screamed. <em>Leave him ALONE!</em></p>
      <p>GIR watched Dib banging on the door, his face becoming sad. He didn't like seeing Dib like this…he kinda LIKED Big-Head-Boy and wanted to be friends with him. Dib looked so…PATHETIC.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, a monitor was showing Dib's heart rate AND his connection to history along with his lifeline. The monitor was beeping rapidly, showing that he was clearly losing his grip on reality even as Zim chuckled and focused on the Space/Time Object Replacement Device.</p>
      <p>The monitor into the past now showed Dib moments after he'd tried to get footage of the Bigfoot Kid. A crowd surrounded him, his oxygen pack was in half and lying nearby and the paramedics were trying to shock his heart back into beating with charge pads. "Come on, kid! If I loose one more patient today I'm gonna get written up!" The paramedic with brown, slicked back hair said.</p>
      <p>Dib opened his eyes weakly. "Ugh…"</p>
      <p>"CLEAR!"</p>
      <p>BOINK!</p>
      <p>Now the charge pads were PIGGIES!</p>
      <p>"C'mon, kid!" Apparently the paramedic didn't notice. He slammed them into Dib's chest over and over in desperation. "C'mon kid, stay with me! Stay with…" Then he noticed what he was using. "Oops!"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, back at the lab, the monitor that showd Dib's history, heartbeat and lifeline had grim news…at least for Dib. All of the lines had gone FLAT.</p>
      <p>BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.</p>
      <p>A Grape Soda was dispensed from a tube in the ceiling and Zim calmly drank from it. "SLURRRP! "Ah! Foolish Earth creature." He remarked.</p>
      <p>The narrator had gone very…very quiet. If Zim had had any sense he would have noticed the sudden CHILL in the room…</p>
      <p>But he didn't. He just walked over to the elevator as the hovering platform lifted him up to a higher level…</p>
      <p>And he didn't see the monitor's lines spike, nor the eyes of Dib open. A shining light seemed to fill the mind of the big-headed boy. He knew, he KNEW it was not his time...</p>
      <p>BEEP…BEEP-BEEP…BEEP-BEEP-BEEP…</p>
      <p>"Since my son's skeleton was accidentally crushed by a paramedic in a freak piggy accident…" Prof. Membrane announced, his visage displayed on the past-viewing monitor of the device. "I have created the new Mega-Boy-3000 fusion powered titanium exoskeleton! It will give him the strength of ten thousand little boys!" Prof. Membrane told the world proudly.</p>
      <p>Zim rose out of the toilet and into the kitchen, sipping his drink…and then the house shook horridly, forcing him to DROP said Grape Soda.</p>
      <p>"You will pay for ruining my childhood, Zim! You... will... pay!" Dib's voice announced, his voice more sinister than Zim had ever heard.</p>
      <p>Zim's eyes widened in horror as GIR stood dumbstruck in the doorway, clutching a piggy. "NOOOO…" he whispered. "That last piggy should have reduced him to nothing! What happened!? Where did history go wrong!?" Zim wondered out loud.</p>
      <p><em>REAP…THE WHIRLWIND!</em> The narrator roared out.</p>
      <p>Being fond of living, Zim quickly dove back into the toilet elevator as Dib burst through the wall, now riding atop a blue mechanical exoskeleton of metal that was stronger than titanium, resistant to the lawn gnome's lasers AND now tearing through the house's walls like they were paper!</p>
      <p>GIR's antenna dropped. "Uhoh." He mumbled.</p>
      <p>"My whole life has been a miserable pig-filled ordeal because of you!" Dib roared out, punching a picture of Zim and GIR encased in a little heart, crushing it under his fist into dust. "You can HIDE, Zim, but you can't…" He blinked. "Er, HIDE!"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE, Zim was desperately hurling rubber piggies into the time portal over and over. "There…must…be…some…way…of…stopping…him!" He gasped out. "Some point in time where he's still vulnerable to the piggy!"</p>
      <p>Dib held up his arms as missiles and ray guns appeared on the exoskeleton. GIR clutched onto his piggy, eyes widening. "Prepare for your destruction!" Dib hollered.</p>
      <p>Normally Dib would not have done what he was about to do, since GIR was technically guilty only of being evil-by-association as Zim's servant...but this was a new Dib, a Dib that had no remorse or compassion in his heart...all of his good-naturedness has been "piggied" out of him.</p>
      <p>GIR screamed horribly, dropped the piggy and dove into the toilet just in time as the missiles zoomed at him. He dove into the toilet and was propelled down into the lab, body smoking, and rolled in front of Zim, holding up the last piggy left in the house…</p>
      <p>"Only one left?" Zim gasped, visibly sweating. "<strong>Noooooo</strong>!" He screamed.</p>
      <p>"Yay, we're doomed!" GIR laughed. Then he blinked. "Wait…that's a BAD thing, right?"</p>
      <p><em>Yeah! </em>The narrator shouted.<em> I can't just let him KILL you, that would make Dib just as bad as YOU! </em>He told Zim. <em>Dib, STOP! </em>He ordered.<em><br/></em></p>
      <p>"MAKE ME!" Dib's voice roared out.</p>
      <p><em>Oh CRAP! I can't stop him! He's in "The Zone!" </em>The narrator whimpered. <em>Zim, you gotta save yourseeeeelllf!</em></p>
      <p>The laboratory shook as Dib began to pound his way through the ground to head towards the underground lair. Zim nervously looked around, then looked at GIR, getting an idea from what GIR had said before…what had caused his head to explode.</p>
      <p>"Yes! YES, there MAY be one last chance!" He ran to the control panel, pressing some buttons. "I have to warn myself in the past to never use this time machine!" He told GIR.</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>Now the monitor showed the HDM before it was first sent into the time portal. His past self was about to send it into…well…the past!</p>
      <p>Now, to unleash screaming temporal doom!" Zim was laughing, pointing up into the air like he liked to do.</p>
      <p>Quickly, present-day Zim grabbed a nearby marker and wrote some stuff on the rubber piggy…</p>
      <p>BAAAANG! Dib burst in through the ceiling above, a look of utter evil on his vein-filled face. "The future is NOW, mother-"</p>
      <p>"EEEEEEEK!" Zim screeched.</p>
      <p>"This is for tampering with the past! This is for the pigs!" Dib hissed, raising the fist of the Mega Boy 3000 exoskeleton as Zim tossed the piggy into the time portal and covered his head with his gloved claws. It looked bad for him. He was going to die here, his plan had backfired on him and now he was going to be annihilated. His only regret was that he had no more TIME left, that he couldn't-</p>
      <p>Dib swung the fist. "ENJOY YOUR LAST MOMENT-"</p>
      <p>BOINK!</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Of privary, because soon the whole <strong>world</strong> will see-" Dib blinked. He was back in his normal clothes…with a camera. "Wait a minute, have I always been like this?" He wondered out loud. And then he broke out into a grin. "Yes, I have, haven't I? My whole life! Good old Dib-like Dib!"</p>
      <p>WOOP! Two nearby lawn gnomes turned around, arms outstretched, and dragged him away. "HEY!" Dib shouted. "Wait a minute, hey, I'm-"</p>
      <p>They promptly began beating the crud out of him, then tossed him, camera and all, out into the neighbor's lawn. Dib held his sore head and groaned. "I'll…come back…after…aspirin…" He moaned out, crawling towards his house.</p>
      <p>"It's like none of it ever happened!" GIR wondered out loud as he scratched his head. "Hey wait…where did the last piggy go?"</p>
      <p>A drooling, vein-popping-on-forehead Zim lifted up his brain in his left arm, moaning.</p>
      <p>ONE HOUR EARLIER…</p>
      <p>"Now, to unleash screaming temporal doom!" Zim laughed, pointing up into the air like he liked to do.</p>
      <p>BOINK!</p>
      <p>Zim's arms went wiffly as he blinked stupidly, one eye twitching. Inside his head, where his brain had been, was a rubber piggy that had the following words written on it:</p>
      <p>
        <em>"Zim, don't use the time machine, love, Zim!"</em>
      </p>
      <p>PRESENT…</p>
      <p>GIR began giggling as he poked Zim's brain at a certain point, making his right arm go up and down, up and down. "Hee-heee-heeee! Can I eat it?" GIR saked.</p>
      <p>
        <em>NO.</em>
      </p>
      <p>"Awwwww…" GIR moaned.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Hope you liked this episode! I know I did. Remember...REVIEW! Every time you don't review a baby Bigfoot gets caught in a trap. Please, think of the baby Bigfoots!</strong>
      </p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. A Room With A Moose</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>Oh, the wheels on the bus go round and round! Round and round, round and round! The wheels on the bus go round and round! Allll daaaay looooong!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>A ROOM WITH A MOOSE</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"So, how was your vacation last month?" Ms. Bitters inquired of Nick as he sipped some hot cocoa (yes, he'd brought his own, only an IDIOT would be willing to drink the stuff they had THERE).</p>
      <p>"Ah, me and Kelsey just lied on the beach, watched the sun set…actually I mostly watched the wind go through her hair which reminded me of how much I loved her. Shame about what happened over at Santa Barbara." He sighed sadly. "I thought your vacation would have been more relaxing, but I heard there was a hurricane…body parts flying EVERYWHERE. The carnage they showed on the TV was AWFUL. I'm amazed you survived!"</p>
      <p>"I also learned something from the experience." Ms. Bitters added, smirking evilly. "That I can still feel JOY."</p>
      <p>"…sure thing, "Beelzeboss"." Nick muttered under his breath.</p>
      <p>Nick suddenly felt his cell phone vibrate and he dove quickly into his pocket, flipping it open. "Y'ello?"</p>
      <p>"Hey there, Captain Hallmark!" Jhonen laughed.</p>
      <p>"Jhonen! Big V, how are doing?" Nick asked. "Captain Hallmark", heh…that was funny!</p>
      <p>"Listen, I need a favor, there's somebody I want you to tail around, this girl keeps following me and…she's been in my HOUSE." Jhonen whispered quickly.</p>
      <p>Nick frowned. His HOUSE?! CREEPY.</p>
      <p>"She left me flowers too."</p>
      <p>"Aw, that's kinda-"</p>
      <p>"They had a note." On the other end, Jhonen recited the poem as flies whizzed around in the air above a cracked vase. "These flowers were red. Now they're dead. I've heard you stopped doing Invader Zim, so I wish you worms in your head. Love, Mary Sue."</p>
      <p>"…WOW." Nick gaped. "She's PIIIISSED! I didn't think any OTHER "Real World" members could sneak in here…" He rubbed his chin. "There must be a LEAK somewhere. Well…" He laughed. "Zim and Dib can't get into <strong>too</strong> much trouble in one day, and that's all it will take for me to get the skinny on this stalker of yours!"</p>
      <p>"Well hurry up, there's a lot we still need to talk about…"</p>
      <p>BRIIIIIING!</p>
      <p>"Oh, the bell! Gotta go, JV!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>It had NOT been a good week for Zim.</p>
      <p>At ALL.</p>
      <p>As he looked over video footage he'd obtained from hacking the school's camera system, Zim sat in his underground lair watching various videos. He found one catch his eye immediately…he was playing a special dodgeball with various children on the playground. The goal was to pass it around and that you had to throw as hard as you could. Catch it and you were safe!</p>
      <p>Brian was passing the ball left and right but not to HIM, even though he'd been raising his hands and waving them-</p>
      <p>Well, technically, Brian finally DID pass it to somebody who threw it at Zim…just not TO him. Zim was knocked clear through the air with a blow to the legs and everyone circled around him, pointing and laughing.</p>
      <p>Another monitor showed ANOTHER video. He had approached Trish in an attempt to ask her about a homework problem he'd forgotten to do earlier…she'd just lowered one eyelid, stuck out her tongue and walked away.</p>
      <p>Torque Smacky was shown on ANOTHER monitor, grinning after he pushed Zim to the ground. Necky had TRIPPED him on that same day, and Smolga, well…</p>
      <p>She'd tried to be nice by offering her ice cream, but when he'd LICKED it…THE PAIN! The searing, freezing pain had filled his brain and he'd begun to spasm. So so much for being "nice".</p>
      <p>But the worst was the DIB videos.</p>
      <p>In the cafeteria he'd been pelted in the back of the head while trying to take his tray to his table. At the tether ball pole he'd been tied up by the tether ball rope while Dib smirked proudly.</p>
      <p>In ANOTHER incident, Dib had decided to test if Zim really was a guy and had hit him between the legs.</p>
      <p>Well, the thing was, Irken genitals were buried deep inside their body and they didn't come out unless surgical operations were done. BUT that didn't keep that area where they were hidden under from being a sore spot. A VERY SORE SPOT.</p>
      <p>"The PAIIIIIN! <strong>MOTHER OF HELL!</strong>" Zim moaned, wig falling off as he rolled around on the ground.</p>
      <p>Then the NEXT day, he'd been looking over a new "Zune", which played music. Earplugs attached to his antennae and hidden in his toupee, Zim bounced his head slightly as he listened. <strong><em>"And I taaaaake oooooover…cuz I'm…no…loooooseeeer!" </em></strong>He sang out to himself. Mr. Hair-Ator had been right, Cosmic Castaway WAS-</p>
      <p>SPLOOOSH!</p>
      <p>Dib had poured a bucket of water on him…and Zim had a habit of forgetting to bathe in paste every other day. Gasping and smoking, Zim dropped his Zune and ran for his life, screaming as Dib held onto the tree branch he'd been sitting on when he drenched Zim.</p>
      <p>"What's your home planet's name, Zim? Irk, right? Now tell me where it is! Come on, tell me! I'll find out everything about you sooner or later! I'll find out <strong>everything</strong>!" He growled, dropping down and shaking his fist.</p>
      <p>Zim stopped this recording and placed his claws together, his eyes becoming cold maroon stones. "No, I don't think you WILL, Dib." He hissed softly. "I…don't…think…you…WILL."</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…It was not going to be a good day for Dib. Not if Zim had anything to say about it.</p>
      <p>Nor, unknown to Nick…would it be a good day for him.</p>
      <p>Nick hadn't had to go in to work today, so he'd gone to visit Jhonen's house so the two could relax and get JV's mind off that stalker. Opening the door, he smiled. "Jhonen, I've got the day off, how about we go out to Six Frogs and-"</p>
      <p>His eyes went wide as saucers. Jhonen was very, VERY badly hurt…blood dripping down from his chest in multiple places. No…how had that girl managed to get close to him? Jhonen was GOD! This was <strong>WRONG</strong>!</p>
      <p>"Jhonen, hold on!" Nick shouted, rushing to his side. It was an impossibility, the God, the Creator of the World couldn't DIE!</p>
      <p>"Just hold on, I'll get you to the hospital, <em>just hold on…"</em></p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>Ms. Bitters was finishing up a lesson on Cannibalism. "So, right around there, a negative stigma was attached to the idea of surviving on human flesh." She remarked, explaining a particularily nasty incident at "Raccoon City". "Still, there were isolated groups of zombies that continued to pop up around-"</p>
      <p>Dib raised his hand and Ms. Bitters rolled her eyes. "YES, Dib?"</p>
      <p>"Zim's trip to the restroom has lasted a REAAAAL long time." He stated.</p>
      <p>"I recall you spending quite a long time in there recently as well." Ms. Bitters hissed back, leaning forward over her desk towards Dib and stretching ooooout!</p>
      <p>"Hey, that was corn and MAYO day!" Dib protested.</p>
      <p>"BAH HUMBUG! No excuse!" Ms. Bitters laughed.</p>
      <p>"He's up to something." Dib insisted. "I just know it!"</p>
      <p>Ms. Bitters just hissed. But THEN…</p>
      <p>BOOM! The door flew open and Zim stood here. "Ahh." He sighed. "MY BUSINESS…IS DONE." He announced.</p>
      <p>"EW." Zita remarked as he walked back to his desk.</p>
      <p>"Okay, WHO takes 3 HOURS to go to the bathroom BEFORE lunch!?" Dib asked angrily.</p>
      <p>Zim slammed his hand down on his desk and glared at Dib. "Nonsense! I had much to do!"</p>
      <p>He shook his fist at Zita angrily. "SO MUCH"</p>
      <p>"EWWWWWWW." She responded again. Zim then realized how BAD it sounded and quickly sat back in his seat.</p>
      <p>Then the INTERCOM spoke up. "Greetings, children of Earth! This is your new skool announcer! A special surprise mandatory field trip is happening for the following lucky children: Morla…Flan…Retch Rutchie…Zita…The Letter M…"</p>
      <p>The person kept reading names and read EVERYONE…except Zim. Dib's eyes widened.</p>
      <p>"All these children get to go to a special place made entirely of food…I like food. Now check <strong>this</strong> out! <strong>WORD TO YOUR MOTHERS!</strong>" The intercome person began BEAT-BOXING into the intercom. Zim twiddled his thumbs, looked left, then right, and, satisfied that nobody was watching HIM, pressed a bytton on a remote control he'd tucked into his shirt pocket and the intercom shut off.</p>
      <p>"Good! GO! All of you!" Ms. Bitters growled, pointing at the door, glad to be RID of them all. But while the others piled out happily, Dib approached Ms. Bitters, arms crossed.</p>
      <p>"Hey, what about Zim? Why isn't he going?"</p>
      <p>Zim gave Dib a look of stupidity. "I guess I'm just not smart enough." He said.</p>
      <p>It was VERY convincing. So much so that Chunk whacked him on the side of the head as he left. "Yeah, STUPID! Doi!" He crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out at Zim, then laughed, walking out of the door and making farty noises with his arms.</p>
      <p>Zim rubbed his head and then a sad violin began to play. "Oh, it hurts me to se all you... dirty monsters go off to have so much FUN! Alas, I guess I'll just have to stay and study harder!"</p>
      <p>"Watch him CLOSELY, Ms. Bitters." Dib insisted as he left the room. Ms. Bitters frowned, then looked outside the window and down to see a kid playing a violin.</p>
      <p>"GET OUTTA HERE!" She snapped.</p>
      <p>Dib finally piled onto the bus, noticing there was a DOOR separating them from the driver , and a small window like a submarine window on said door. "Hey, when did they start putting the driver behind a door?" He wondered as he went to find a seat and took one between Spoo and Rob.</p>
      <p>"Oh, man! He's sitting near us!" Rob groaned as he and Spoo got up, moving to the back.</p>
      <p>Dib got up and turned to face them all. "Okay, I know what you're gonna say, but I think there's something seriously wrong about this whole surprise field trip thing!"</p>
      <p>Sara shook her head. "Oh DIB, you are so weird. But God loves you anyhow."</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>"Now, pull out your text book and begin memorizing the copyright information. You will be quizzed on this!"</p>
      <p>Zim looked down at the book, then out the window, seeing the bus was moving away from the school. "Ms. Bitters, I have…"</p>
      <p>He stood up. A MIGHTY NEED…" Then he sat back down! "To use the restroom once again."</p>
      <p>"Fine, but that's your last restroom break for the rest of the school year." She stated.</p>
      <p>Zim saluted, then ran out of the classroom, heading for the bathroom where GIR was beat-boxing in the large "handicapped" stall. He held up the remote control and smirked. "I shut it off, GIR. It worked."</p>
      <p>GIR, in his disguise, holding a microphone-like device up to his face STILL kept beat-boxing. It was apparently attached to the stall wall.</p>
      <p>Zim rolled his eyes. "Let's go home." He said as GIR hopped off the toilet. "Phase 2 is under way."</p>
      <p>"Ooh, that's my FAVORITE phase!" GIR said, clapping his hands.</p>
      <p>As Zim and GIR left the bathroom, Zim pressed another button on the control and the device on the wall began to glow red. Soon Zim and GIR began to teleport out, ANOTHER nifty function of the device. "This will leave no evidence!"</p>
      <p>Another kid in the batroom saw the stall next to him was glowing. He blinked then looked down.</p>
      <p>"I don't wanna be another ELVIS!" he shouted, rushing for the door. And it was a good thing too, because the explosion knocked the toilet clear into the sky!</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Dib was looking out the bus window…and frowning. What is this? We've been passing the same stuff over and over again!" He remarked to Aki and Melvin. Melvin was licking a lollipop while looking at a dog that appeared to be a yellow retriever. "I mean, look at that dog! That dog's gone by four, maybe five times already!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>Aki frowned. "So, what's wrong with the dog?"</p>
      <p>Chunk leaned over from the row BEHIND Aki and Melvin. "Yeah, I <strong>like</strong> the dog!" He insisted.</p>
      <p>Dib ran to the door where the bus driver was and went inside the room. Rob rolled his eyes. "DIB."</p>
      <p>"Yeah. DIB." Flan remarked, also rolling his eyes.</p>
      <p>Dib looked out the window that was inside the driver's area seeing they were in a desert area with a few odd structures.</p>
      <p>"…uh…excuse me-" He began.</p>
      <p>The driver turned around, speaking with an oddly mechanical voice. "Go back to your seat, young man, and keep your arms and legs inside the bus!"</p>
      <p>Dib frowned. "Um…look, I couldn't help but notice ye-"</p>
      <p>BOINK!</p>
      <p>The driver's neck extended and his face opened up and revealing a monitor screen, showing Zim was inside his underground lab and out of his disguise. "Hello Dib!" He crowed.</p>
      <p>Dib's long scythe-like hair hung down in front of his face as he twitched. "I KNEW IT!" He snapped. "This wouldn't be as much fun without you sticking your smelly nose in here." Transmitting from inside his lab, Zim looked at the giant monitor that showed Dib's face while GIR sat next to him, munching walnuts.</p>
      <p>"As you may have already guessed, this is a trap. You're really one of the only people who can appreciate the amazingness of this plan, so I'll let you in on what it is. Actually, I'll let you SEE." He remarked.</p>
      <p>Zim pressed a button on a control panel console that showed off a diagram of the bus. "Look out the window now…" He remarked.</p>
      <p>Well, Dib did…and he saw ROCKETS pop up from the compartment top of the bus as wings unfolded from the sides. The tires flipped into a new position and VOOOOOM! Up the bus went into the air, clear through the atmosphere and into SPACE…with Dib screaming all the while.</p>
      <p>Naturally, the other students heard the screaming.</p>
      <p>"Listen to him. Weirdo." Sara remarked.</p>
      <p>"You SURE God loves him?" Aki asked.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, EVEN HIM." Sara insisted. "But it's a CONDITIONAL love, of course…"</p>
      <p>Dib clawed at the window, panic filling him as Zim smirked. "My mission might not be as exciting without you around to annoy me. But it will be more... <em>pleasant</em>."</p>
      <p>Dib wheeled back to face him, frowning. "Then why not send only ME up here?!" He demanded.</p>
      <p>Zim spread his arms out, a nasty grin on his face, and the bus driver robot repeated the arm-spread gesture. "Always so GALLANT!" Zim laughed. "Thinking of your fellow monkeys! Well it's simple…your fellow bus mates all smelled their fates the moment they stood in the way of my mission of doom." Zim said coldly, glaring evilly at Zim. He then let out a satisfied hiss, "Ah, but <strong>you</strong>, destroying you will be the greatest victory!"</p>
      <p>Dib clenched his fist. "You won't get away with this, Zim!"</p>
      <p>Zim snickered. "Heh-heh-heh!"</p>
      <p>"Where are my WALNUTS?!" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>"Quiet, GIR, we went over this before! And I've <strong>already</strong> gotten away with it, Dib-stink! See, look out the window! I would say I've got away with it pretty nicely."</p>
      <p>"Yeah, launching enemies into space?! That's your plan!? This is crazy!" Dib said, tugging on his hair.</p>
      <p>Zim raised a clawed digit up and shook it. "Ah-ah-AH! Launching you into space is just the first part of my plan! Now is where the fun really starts!"</p>
      <p>Suddenly a swirling vortex of blue light appeared in front of the bus. Dib gasped as they flew straight into it with a VWOOMP!</p>
      <p>"A WORMHOLE?! Is that…a WORMHOLE?"</p>
      <p>"Yep! Impressed yet?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, pretty nice! I'll admit it's better than just launching us into space!" Dib complimented. Then the stretching came. WOOOOOP! His entire body felt like it was being put into a stretcher as his was slammed into the side of the wall and the bus shook wildly…even though the windows STILL showed that dog walking down the sidewalk.</p>
      <p>"Road's gettin' bumpy!" Aki remarked.</p>
      <p>"That's a great dog." Chunk said wistfully.</p>
      <p>Dib slid down the wall and groaned and rubbed his head as Zim rubbed his chin. "The wormhole is only phase 2 of my scheme."</p>
      <p>"There's MORE?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"SO much more!" Zim laughed as he pressed some buttons on a control panel nearby. "You know, I was up all night researching many different wormholes with many possible outcomes. It was very difficult deciding which would be the most horrible for you! Why, one wormhole would have spat you out into a dimension of pure itching!"</p>
      <p>BOOP! The monitor on the driver-bot's head showed off a strange place filled with green mist. "There. See? You can't really tell but that stuff's really itchy."</p>
      <p>BOOP! Another dimension appeared on the screen. "Another would've sent you to a dimension of pure dooky!"</p>
      <p>"<strong>MOTHER OF HELL</strong>!" Dib screamed, eyes bugging out three feet from their sockets as his mouth opened so wide that you could have stuffed a basketball into it.</p>
      <p>Zim smirked. "But I chose <strong>this</strong> particular wormhole especially for the occasion. You see, at the end of this wormhole lies... a room... with a moose!"</p>
      <p>BOOP! The monitor showed a pure white room with an ENORMOUS moose in it. Dib screamed. "NOOOOO-wait…wait a minute. Did you just say…a room…with a MOOSE?!"</p>
      <p>Zim smirked. "Yes! Your fear is overwhelming, no?" He asked, his face appearing on a smaller monitor to the side.</p>
      <p>Dib shook his head. "Uh, NO." He mumbled, shrugging. "Seriously, what's so scary about a room with a stupid moose in it? I mean, yeah, that's a big moose, but <em>really</em>."</p>
      <p>Zim grinned nastily. "Oh, I will show you. Prepare your bladder for imminent release!"</p>
      <p>Dib rolled his eyes as a compartment on the front bumper of the bus oepend up and a large amount of walnuts shot out and went deep through the wormhole.</p>
      <p>"Uh, are those walnuts?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"Yep!" Zim said.</p>
      <p>"MY WALNUTS!" GIR groaned. "NOOOOO!"</p>
      <p>"Watch the monitor, Dib. Watch it carefully." Zim whispered.</p>
      <p>Well, Dib looked closely as the moose began to chew on the walnuts, with shards of the walnuts falling to the ground in super-slow motion…</p>
      <p>A terrible, nameless fear gripped him.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>A ROOM…</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>WITH A MOOSE!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"NO! NO! NOOOOO!" Dib howled.</p>
      <p>The monitor showed a full view of Zim as he clasped his claws together. " Now, Dib. I leave you to your... em…" He blinked. "Er…uh…"</p>
      <p>"Moosey fate, say moosey fate!" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>"Okay. I leave you to your moosey fate." Zim said. GIR began laughing, and after hesitating, Zim started laughing too. "Ha-ha-ha-ha! You're getting better at this "evil stuff", GIR!"</p>
      <p>"The voices in my head tell me to burn things!" GIR said as the bus driver's head closed up, returning to normal, the monitor vanishing.</p>
      <p>Dib quickly ran to the door, opened it up, then ran to the others as the door shut.</p>
      <p>"Everyone! We're in a wormhole! Zim has launched us into a wormhole and we're flying towards something horrible! Something just horrible!" He screamed.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>A ROOM...WITH A MOOOOOOSE!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Rob, however, simply snuck up behind him and gave him wedgie, lifting him clear up the ground. "OOOOOOH!" Dib howled.</p>
      <p>Zim, meanwhile, who had cameras hidden in the bus, watched still frames of Dib getting the wedgie and took a sip of a grape soda as some jazzy music played.</p>
      <p>"Da-da-da-da-daaaa…"</p>
      <p>"Ahhhh." He said as Dib was slowly lifted up and given the wedgie AGAIN. "Classic."</p>
      <p>BONK!</p>
      <p>Dib fell to the ground and crawled back to his seat…making everyone move over to the LEFT side of the bus t get away from him. Dib looked out the window and saw…yes, that dog was still there. Running along the sidewalk and barking…</p>
      <p>"Wait! There might still be hope! I can use my computer to plot out the course of the wormhole!" He realized, turning to look at his backpack. He took out his laptop and a strange device while Chunk held up his fist.</p>
      <p>"I'm gonna punch you in your wormhole!"</p>
      <p>The other students laughed. Dib just rolled his eyes as he attached the device to the window of the bus, and it hooked a cable to Dib's laptop, showing a diagram of the wormhole…and a FORK in said wormhole!</p>
      <p>"There! Just ahead! A fork in the wormhole! The left leads directly to the room with the moose…but to the right…" He smiled happily. "Earth!...HOME…"</p>
      <p>WHACK!</p>
      <p>A wad of paper bounced off his head. Dib looked at them angrily and was about to say something when his laptop began beeping. Looking at it, he saw there was a timer that read that he had only a MINUTE left before they reached the fork!</p>
      <p>"Okay, Dib. Before you really try to think of a way out of this, think about what that would mean. On one hand, you'd be saving yourself." He looked at the students. "On the other hand, you'd also be saving... them!"</p>
      <p>His eyes narrowed as Jessica laughed at him. "Look! He's talking to himself again!"</p>
      <p>"GRR…you guys are just <em>begging</em> to face the moose!" He hissed as the students laughed. But then he remembered Zim's words<em>. "My mission might not be as </em><em>exciting</em><em> without you around to annoy me. But it will be more... </em><em>pleasant</em><em>."</em></p>
      <p>Dib stood up and shook his head. No! No matter <strong>how</strong> awfully his own people may have treated him and CONTINUED to treat him, he felt it was his duty to save them. "Without me the Earth is doomed! I can't let Zim run free, not while there's still hope!" He turned to the others. "Everyone! I think I've got a plan! If we all move over to the right side of the bus, we just might be able to steer this thing clear of the moose room! Come on! We can go home!"</p>
      <p>"Uh, if we go over there, then we'd be near you." Rob told him, frowning.</p>
      <p>"Which doesn't sound cool." Jessica said.</p>
      <p>"Do you see our dilemma?" Morla asked.</p>
      <p>Dib tore at his hair, the image of the moose BURNING into his brain. "Hurry! There isn't much time! The moose! The MOOOOSE!"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>THE ROOM WITH A MOOOOOOOOOOSE!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>20 seconds…19…18…17…</p>
      <p>"Now he's talking about a moose?" Chunk wondered.</p>
      <p>Dib looked at the laptop. There wasn't much time left. He sighed…</p>
      <p>Then walked to the other side of the bus, sitting next to Jessica. IMMEDIATELY everyone else got up and ran to the right side of the bus…</p>
      <p>Which leaned to the right…and took the fork that plopped them RIGHT outside the school. Granted, it was nighttime, but they were home, and one by one the students piled out.</p>
      <p>"What a stupid field trip!" Sara mumbled.</p>
      <p>"Almost as stupid as Dib!" Rob laughed.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, ALMOST. I wonder sometimes if God REALLY loves him!" Sara said.</p>
      <p>"I'm gonna miss that dog." Chunk said wistfully.</p>
      <p>Dib grinned, taking a deep breath of fresh air and leapt out onto the sidewalk, standing there with a heroic stance. Zim's plan was thwarted, he'd gotten out of school early...he'd salvaged what could have been a terrible day!</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim angrily pounded on the control panel, snarling…and GIR did the same, but he squeaked as he pounded it.</p>
      <p>"NO, NO, NOOOO!"Zim howled. "The moose has failed me!" He hissed, stepping away from the control panel and heading out. GIR, meanwhile, picked up the remote control for the omntiro and changed the channel on the giant monitor to make "The Scary Monkey Show" appear.</p>
      <p>"I LOVE this show." He said happily.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…"Class, I want you to meet your newest member." Nick said, gesturing to the side as a blond-haired child stepped into the classroom. He had a long ponytail, a green t-shirt with dark green pants and brown shows…all of the clothes looked old and faded, and he had very…VERY white eyes…</p>
      <p>"This is Darth Lee. He's the son of an old friend of mine, Mark, who…sadly, is no longer with us. So I'm taking custody of him ever since the police found him in the woods."</p>
      <p>"I've been living large for 4 years, my hobbies are taking care of business by taking care of plants." The 9-year-old boy said nervously. His voice made it clear he wasn't used to speaking normally. "And I'm blind as a bat! I've heard some nasty things about this place though…"</p>
      <p>"Like what?" Nick asked.</p>
      <p>"You check in, but ya don't check out! I'll tell you my life story later, film at eleven!" DL remarked.</p>
      <p>"So I'll lead you to your seat. I want you all to be very accepting of DL, okay?" Nick asked as he lead his friend Mark's son to his seat, which was across from Gaz. "And another thing…tomorrow I'll be away at a press conference, reporting for your school newspaper because the teacher who was supposed to be the representative came down with a very fatal case of head pigeons." Nick shook his head sadly. "It was like something from "The Birds…GOD…"</p>
      <p>DL sat across from Gaz, who looked him over. "You talk kind of funny." She said.</p>
      <p>"Righty-o, by George. I wish they could fix me up like new with a 90-day warrantee, but they can't rebuild me, they don't got the technology!" DL said.</p>
      <p>"WHY do you talk like that?" She asked.</p>
      <p>"TV!" DL said. "I talk TV!"</p>
      <p>"Yes, apparently he's been learning how to speak from watching TV through the windows of RVS that visited the national park he's been living in." Nick explained.</p>
      <p>"Want some advice on how to survive here?" Gaz asked.</p>
      <p>"Yes please, and on how I can save fifteen percent on car insurance!" DL stated, blinking his unseeing eyes as he turned in the direction of her voice.</p>
      <p>"DON'T PISS ME OFF." Gaz hissed.</p>
      <p>DL gulped and nervously bit his lip.</p>
      <p>It was a good thing he was blind, but the others could tell their teacher was bothered by SOMETHING. And it was something BIG. Jhonen was still in the hospital, his condition not getting worse…NOR better. Nick couldn't stop worrying. That crazy fan had STABBED Jhonen and he wasn't even completely sure WHY! He was sure that Jhonen couldn't have been hurt!</p>
      <p>Was it possible a "real worlder" was the only thing that could kill a Creator?</p>
      <p>...well, at least things couldn't get worse.</p>
      <p>Of course…he would be proven wrong. He had forgotten that the universe jinxed things.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Soon Season Two's will meet it's end. And WHAT an end it's going to be! Well, I certainly hope you enjoyed the chapter. Remember to review!</strong>
      </p>
    </div>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Hamstergeddon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
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    <p></p>
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      <p>
        <em>Fuzzy-Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy-Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy-Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was-he? :)</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>HAMSTERGEDDON</strong>
      </p>
      <p>BRIIIING! It was two days after Nick's trip to the press conference, and they expected him to come into the class happy that he'd made a Republican cry. What they GOT...was something much different.</p>
      <p>"<strong>CLAAAAAASS!"</strong></p>
      <p>Nick's voice rang out angrily and everyone straightened up to see a visible pillar of flame shooting up and burning a hole into the ceiling above Nick as he clenched his fist. "I…AM…VERY…ANGRY with you!" He shouted. He took a deep breath, and the fire went away as he headed towards his desk and opened it up. "LOOK what I found in SOMEBODY'S desk!" He snapped, holding up a six pack of beer.</p>
      <p>"What is he holding up?" DL whispered to Gaz.</p>
      <p>"Six pack of beer. Say, how long have you been blind?" She wanted to know.</p>
      <p>"I went blind after this accident with toxic waste being dumped in the forest a year ago. Which is too bad, because I wanna see his expression..."</p>
      <p>"Trust me on this one, DL...you don't." Gaz sniggered.</p>
      <p>"Apparently SOMEBODY in this class thinks it's <strong>COOL</strong> to drink!" Nick growled.</p>
      <p>That wasn't the REAL reason he was angry. Jhonen's condition was getting worse and worse. And so he was about to make a dumb, spur-of-the-moment decision.</p>
      <p>He frowned. "So I'm going to have to teach you a lesson!" He opened up the beer and Gaz's eyes blinked slowly. Hoo boy. <strong>"Ooh, lookit ME</strong>! <strong>I'm Mister COOL!"</strong> Nick said in a mocking tone as he tipped the beer back and slurped up the can of "Boor's Light".</p>
      <p>"I didn't think he was old enough to drink." DL mumbled.</p>
      <p>"He's NOT! That's the <em>point</em>!" Gaz snickered, covering her mouth with her hands.</p>
      <p>"<strong>EVERYBODY digs MY scene!" </strong>Nick snapped.</p>
      <p>FIVE…MINUTES…LATER…</p>
      <p>He slammed the beer can down onto the desk, his nose now red, his hair curling even MORE than usual, little bubbles popping up into the air around him. "I'm the grooviest dude who was ever <strong>grooved</strong> on!"</p>
      <p>TEN…MINUTES…AFTER THE FIRST SIP…</p>
      <p>"I just love you all so muuuuuuch!" Nick sobbed, burying his face in his hands.</p>
      <p>"Maybe we should hug him." DL suggested.</p>
      <p>"If I HUG him, I'll have to kill you all later so there can't be witnesses." Gaz snapped.</p>
      <p>FIFTEEN…MINUTES…AFTER THE FIRST SIP…</p>
      <p>"<em><strong>Oh, I'mmmmmm…turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so!"</strong></em> Nick sang out, slurring the words as he danced on top of his desk, swaying his hips as he used a ruler as a microphone.</p>
      <p>"I can't see, but I gotta ask...is he DANCING?" DL inquired.</p>
      <p>"Yeah. BADLY."</p>
      <p>"Now I REALLY wish I could see!"</p>
      <p><em>"Wait, how did you survive in the forest for as long as you did if you couldn't-."</em> Gaz was about to say WHEN a certain albino stuck his head in the room.</p>
      <p>"How many has he HAD?" White asked, sticking his head into the room, eyebrow raised.</p>
      <p>"ALMOST one. He's got a few sips left." Gaz remarked.</p>
      <p>"Hee-hee-heee!" White giggled evilly, turning to Principal Prickley. "Took him long enough to find the beer. But it was worth it." White laughed. "Now pay up, Prickley." He said, holding up his palm.</p>
      <p>"FINE." The principal snapped. "I thought he'd take a LOT longer!" He muttered, slapping a twenty into White's palm. The albino pocketed the cash and walked off.</p>
      <p>"Pleasure doing business with you, sir!" He laughed.</p>
      <p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
      <p>In Dib and Zim's class, Ms. Bitters had placed a beeping, black device upon a table and all of the students peered eagerly at this device as it ticked away the seconds, a digital clock at the top. Lifting a single finger, she pressed the button on the top of the clock and it went to "00:00" as the machine beeped more rapidly and rapidly as several compression chambers were released on the device and steam escaped into the room.</p>
      <p>BOOM!</p>
      <p>A small explosion sent pieces of the device flying through the classroom and slamming into the walls. The Letter M ducked to avoid one piece and they all squinted at a cloud of smoke that was left where the device had been…</p>
      <p>And when it cleared…</p>
      <p>There was a small yellow hamster who was eating a pellet. All of the children's faces beamed as they ran to the hamster cage.</p>
      <p>"By order of the skool board's program to reduce misery among skool children…" The old crone's voice made it clear that she would rather be EATING the hamster than giving it to the kids. "This class is issued one classroom pet, hamster class. Name…Peepi."</p>
      <p>"Oh, Peepi! So cuuuuute!" Zita said, clasping his hands together.</p>
      <p>Chunk pointed at the hamster. "Look at his little Peepi face!"</p>
      <p>Melvin laughed happily. "He's like a little fuzzy Peepi person!"</p>
      <p>Nick, who was watching the scene from the hall and rolling on the ground, laughing madly, let out a squelchy burp, still somewhat drunk.</p>
      <p>Tae rubbed his tongue against the glass of the cage, mumbling in baby talk. "Goo-goo-Peepi-goo-ga-goo?"</p>
      <p>Peepi groomed himself, squeaking slightly.</p>
      <p>"<em>Awwww!"</em> The class said, sighing happily. Zim, who had been to the side, gasped as Peepi walked over to him. His eyes widening, he immediately screamed and ran away…but stopped when he almost ran into Dib, who had crossed his arms and was narrowing his eyes behind his glasses.</p>
      <p>"Do I even have to say anything at this point?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Zim composed himself. "If you are referring to my reaction to that hair... monster, I can assure you that like the other normal children I find it... eh..." He blinked. What was the word he was looking for.</p>
      <p>"<strong>Cute</strong>. The word is cute. Humans think hamsters are cute." Dib said in a critical tone.</p>
      <p>"Yesss...cute."</p>
      <p>"What, stuff on your planet's not "cute"?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"I'm not exposed to "cute" things, human!" Zim whispered back. "I'm a trained invader! A WARRIOR…and a smart one too!" He turned around and rubbed his chin. "I see that cuteness has a curious effect on human beings. Makes you…weak."</p>
      <p>"Compassion <em>isn't</em>-"</p>
      <p>Zim wasn't listening. He was imagining himself riding a Peepi that was bigger than a T-Rex as people crowded around in the streets of the city. "People of Earth! Can you resist the hypnotic power of Peepi? Now, kneel before Zim!" He roared.</p>
      <p>Immediately people fell to their knees, bowing and chanting "Peepi" over and over.</p>
      <p>"Hey! YOU'RE not chanting!" Zim snapped, pointing over at Dib, who was giving him a look. "This is <strong>MY</strong> fantasy, you have to do what I say!"</p>
      <p>"Go Flack yourself." Dib said, sticking his tongue out and giving him a raspberry.</p>
      <p>"Oh yeah!?" Zim's eye bugged out…along with some veins. He clenched his fist. "Well have a taste of THIS!"</p>
      <p>FWOOM! Peepi breathed fire everywhere and it was THERE that the daydream ended as Zim was jolted back to reality by the sound of Peepi on his hamster wheel. He wasn't actually RUNNING on it…but it was going around and around with him still lying on his stomach.</p>
      <p>"Take a good look, children. It will prepare you for your adult lives in our nightmarish corporate system." Ms. Bitters warned.</p>
      <p>"Hmmm, yes... It just might work." Zim thought out loud.</p>
      <p>Dib tilted his head. "Hmmm?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"He's…uh…a nice little Peepi." Zim remarked quickly.</p>
      <p>"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! <em><strong>PEEPI!</strong></em> HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" Nick laughed outside in the hallway.</p>
      <p>"Are you really THAT immature?" Mr. White inquired, raising an eyebrow.</p>
      <p>"PFFFFFTTTT! <strong>YES!</strong>" Nick laughed, trying to hold his laughter in as he walked off back to his class.</p>
      <p>THAT NIGHT…</p>
      <p>Peepi was fast asleep in his wheel, the school completely empty…and Zim's Voot Cruiser was parked outside. Zim snuck inside the room, opening the door and out of his disguise…</p>
      <p>Okay, fine, "sneak in" isn't really the word. "Walked in" is more like it. Peepi shivered with fright as Zim approached the cage, rubbing his gloved claws together. The poor little hamster clung to the back of his cage as Zim opened it up…</p>
      <p>"Now, now." Zim said softly. "Just hold still…" He whispered, grabbing ahold of Peepi as his eyes glinted like gemstones in the dark night.</p>
      <p>THE NEXT MORNING…</p>
      <p>"OOOHHH…" Aki was standing on her head, upside-down in a chair at the front of the class, and next to Ms. Bitters, who was holding a stop watch.</p>
      <p>"Minute twenty six. If you're determined to let the blood rush to your head, heh, you better have trained for it."</p>
      <p>Dib raised his hand. "Ms. Bitters, have you noticed anything strange about the hamster?"</p>
      <p>Everyone blinked and looked at Peepi…who was now so large he BARELY fit into his cage…and his fur seemed to have changed color slightly…and there was an odd device attached to his back with tubes going into his neck.</p>
      <p>"He's three times his size and he has that hideous throbbing alien device on his back!"</p>
      <p>Peepi burped. Zim nervously twisted some buttons that were on a wrist control and talked to himself. "The earth boy's trying to interfere. Now is the time to use the Peepi creature's cuteness to divert attention!"</p>
      <p>He quickly hit a button on the device…well was ABOUT to…when there was a loud crash. He turned his head to see that the hamster cage was empty…and there was a HOLE in the floor.</p>
      <p>"AAA!" Some desks were sucked into the ground, the students included, and Ms. Bitters frowned. This wasn't in the teacher's manual!</p>
      <p>"This is a little ahead of schedule." Zim thought out loud.</p>
      <p>He headed towards a large hole that was now made in the wall and crawled through, looking out into the distance along with the other students to see Peepi going across the schoolyard, gnawing through the chain fence and squealing as he became even LARGER, walking on two legs instead of four now!</p>
      <p>"Yes, my creation! Grow! Grow!" He laughed, holding his fists up into the air. "Go Peepi!...woah." He blinked. "Déjà vu!" He remarked.</p>
      <p>BOOM! A light post blew up as Peepi broke through a building, growing LARGER.</p>
      <p>"Now, Peepi! Come to your master!" Zim yelled out.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Crickets chirping</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Zim's eyes, which had been closed in bliss, opened one at a time. "Peepi? Peepi, obey me! Peepi!"</p>
      <p>BOOOOOOM!</p>
      <p>At a nuclear power plant atop a hill, a now Godzilla-sized, mechanical-legged spikes-on-body Peepi emerged.</p>
      <p>"Anything you'd like to <em>confess</em>?" Dib asked Zim calmly, crossing his arms.</p>
      <p>Zim nervously smiled. "No, don't be silly…"</p>
      <p>KA-BLOOOEY! Another building went down as Peepi rampaged through the city. On the TV screens in an electronics store, the news showed a broadcast entitled "WHUH 6 Breaking News- Live "Ultra-Peepi"."</p>
      <p>"Experts are still baffled over the origins of Ultra-Peepi, the giant mutant hamster now ravaging the city." The reporter smiled stupidly. "BUT they all agree, he's just fuzzy wuzzy adorable, isn't he? He sure is!"</p>
      <p>SHA-KOOOOM!</p>
      <p>"AAAA!" Ultra-Peepi had just crushed the news studio. Then he picked up a school bus that was parked outside the Museum as the driver ran for his life just in time to avoid being eaten…BUT he was able to see Peepi take a building with a tower sticking at the top and use it like a tooth pick, rubbing the middle of his buck teeth with it.</p>
      <p>"Oh, look! He's using the building like a tooth pick!" One woman said, pointing.</p>
      <p>He dropped the tower pick he was using and turned to look at some jets that were flying at him…dropping the remains of the bus on the lady. OW. Ultra-Peepi frowned, crouched down on all fours, then launched his mechanical foot right at the jets, knocking them out of the sky!</p>
      <p>"Come here! You must obey me! I am your lord and hamster master!" Zim shouted, running into the street as people screamed and ran everywhere in panic. He groaned, tugging at his toupee. "No! No, don't fear the Peepi, fear me! Fear ME!" He snarled.</p>
      <p>The mechanical limb shot back on it's chain and Ultra-Peepi went back to wrecking stuff. Zim blinked at the sight of a long row of overturned flaming cars. "Wow…an even dozen! He DOES seem to be destroying the humans, and THAT'S good! Uh…good job, Peepi! I'll…just…" He began sneaking to the side. "Wait…over HERE…until you're done. Carry on!" And with THAT, Zim ran for it.</p>
      <p>"AAAAA!" The light-brown-haired man named Frank Conniff shouted. "HELP! HEEEELP!" He screamed, waving his meaty arms.</p>
      <p>Then he actually took a good look at Ultra-Peepi…who was raising one foot up and was wiggling his toes.</p>
      <p>"Aw, look at his little feet!" Frank said happily.</p>
      <p>SMOOOSH!</p>
      <p>Need I say more?</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, the military had converged on the city, and inside a tent that was set up on the edge of the city, a general was looking at a model of the town and a model of Peepi that were situated on a table in the tent.</p>
      <p>"GRRR! I don't care what the blazes it wants, I just want it stopped!" The general snarled.</p>
      <p>The colonel saluted. "But SIR! I couldn't fire a missile at that fooby little face. Could you?"</p>
      <p>All of the other soldiers in the tent shook their heads. No, they couldn't. It was then that Dib pushed his way into the tent!</p>
      <p>"Wait! I have important information about Ultra-Peepi! You have to listen!"</p>
      <p>Two soldiers pulled back on Dib's shoulders, about to throw him out of the tent.</p>
      <p>"Wait!" The general held a hand up. "Now let- et the boy talk!"</p>
      <p>Dib nodded. "Thank you sir! You see, Ultra-Peepi…he's not a normal hamster! He's been altered somehow through alien tampering! Eating makes him larger! The more he eats, the bigger he gets!"</p>
      <p>The general nodded and adjusted his square glasses . "Good work, boy, I'll have my men informed of this. But how do we stop him?"</p>
      <p>Dib blinked. "Er…well…I dunno."</p>
      <p>The general frowned, his white moustache quivering. "GET HIM OUTTA HERE!" He snapped.</p>
      <p>The soldiers pulled him out of the tent, then began punching him. "AAA! OW-OW-NOT THE FACE! OWWWW!"</p>
      <p>The colonel saluted. "Sir! I've just intercepted a communication from one of our men on the other side of the city! We think we know where he's going!"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>GIR was out of his disguise and sitting on the couch, watching the Scary Monkey Show while Zim, undisguised, was licking a "Lik-A-Maid" stick. He handed one to GIR and they both put it in their mouths, snacking away.</p>
      <p>"Whaddya watching?" Zim asked after a few minutes.</p>
      <p>"The Scary Monkey Show!"</p>
      <p>Zim frowned. "That horrible monkey!"</p>
      <p>"Mmmm hmmm. Where's Ultra-Peepi?" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>Zim shrugged. "Ah, he's working."</p>
      <p>Then the Scary Monkey show changed to a "Special News Bulletin". "Reports are now in that Ultra-Peepi is heading for the city's pellet plant. If he reaches a reserve supply of hamster pellets, he could grow to unimaginable proportions."</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. "Wow, this IS just like that time with Chubby…"</p>
      <p>BOOM! BOOM!</p>
      <p>"Whuzzat?" Zim wondered, looking around his house. Then the ground began to shake, and his blowfish lawn ornaments bobbed around rapidly on the front lawn. Zim looked out the window, gasping in horror as Ultra Peepi walked…TOWARDS HIS HOUSE!</p>
      <p>A horrid, cold feeling of dread filled him. "No!" He shouted, rushing outside. "You will not destroy your master's secret base! I command you to stop! Obey your creator!" He yelled.</p>
      <p>Ultra-Peepi just growled. Zim quickly ran inside, up to the attic, and flew the Voot Cruiser out in front of Ultra-Peepi.</p>
      <p>"You made me do do this, Peepi!" He shouted, pointing at him with a gloved claw. "I hate to be the bad guy, but you must be disciplined, or you'll never learn!"</p>
      <p>He flew the Voot Cruiser around Ultra-Peepi as the hamster swung it's claw at him. Locking his targeting system onto the enormous hamster, Zim fired off his laser cannons, shooting swirling pinkish balls of plasma from his lasers at the front of the cruiser. The balls exploded upon contact with Ultra Peepi, who growled angrily, trying to shield himself with a furyr arm.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Dib was watching Zim pellet the being with plasma balls from below and he frowned. What was that Irken beast up to?</p>
      <p>"Check this out!" Zim laughed, firing off another shot, then veering to the side. "HA!"</p>
      <p>"Zim is…actually…doing something NICE for humanity?" Dib blinked. "Never thought I'd see that."</p>
      <p>Then he frowned. "Hey…WAIT A MINUTE! Narrator, why the heck aren't YOU doing anything?!" He shouted at the sky.</p>
      <p>He received a tap on the shoulder and saw a white-haired, pink-eyed young man behind him…Mr. White. White jabbed his thumb behind him and Dib saw Nick was still laughing madly about the naughty name "Peepi".</p>
      <p>"He's really THAT immature?" Dib asked, looking mortified. "Oh, I feel SO much safer knowing I'm his charge."</p>
      <p>"Relax, kid, I'm gonna drag "Captain Hallmark" here to his girlfriend's house and we're gonna get him closely acquainted with a nice big bucket of water." Mr. White said, walking off and dragging Nick towards a house in the distance.</p>
      <p>"Peepi, turn back now! Do not invoke the wrath of the Irken elite!" Zim snarled, firing of another blast at Ultra-Peepi, then charging towards him with a war cry.</p>
      <p>BUT Ultra-Peepi was not without skills of his OWN! The gigantic hamster took a deep breath an unleashed a nuclear breath blast that struck the Voot Cruiser's side, sending it off course. It skidded along the roofs of some houses, then finally crashed to the ground. Zim laid unconscious next to the cruiser, a large hole in the windshield as Dib approached the battered Irken.</p>
      <p>"He's unconscious!" He turned around and rubbed his chin. "But wait, if I capture him now, no one will be able to stop the hamster! But if I let him go to fight Peepi, he's just gonna keep on trying to destroy mankind! This stinks. Okay…" He frowned and tried to think of an answer. "So if I save Zim, then he'll move on to destroy mankind and upset the balance of the entire Earth…"</p>
      <p>"GIR, come get me." Zim said, having woken up.</p>
      <p>"Yes, milord!" GIR said as the PAK communicator retracted and Zim watched Dib rant to himself.</p>
      <p>"Which is why I've been waiting to finally capture him and prove- But if the hamster goes on to save mankind... wait, wait, wait, no, that's not right…"</p>
      <p>FWOOSH!</p>
      <p>GIR, disguised, zoomed up on his jets, stopping right next to Zim, who hopped onto his back and began to fly away.</p>
      <p>"Hey, wait!" Dib called out. "Promise me you're on our side this time!" He begged.</p>
      <p>Zim circled back around, hovering before Dib.</p>
      <p>"I know not of sides, Earth stink, but just this once I agree with you. The hamster must be stopped."</p>
      <p>Dib tore his hair. "NOOOOOO-oh. Wait…yeah, good!" He smiled. "Go on, then and stop it!"</p>
      <p>Zim rolled his eyes and took off as Ultra-Peepi continued to make his way towards the Pellet Plant…even though a bunch of tanks were guarding the front.</p>
      <p>"Ready unit seven, fire on my mark." The commanding officer raised his hand. "Three... two..."</p>
      <p>Then Ultra-Peepi got close enough.</p>
      <p>"Oh, just look at him!" Typical, overwhelmed-by-cuteness response.</p>
      <p>SMUSH! There went a tank!</p>
      <p>But THEN Zim's voice projected out through the air, via a megaphone system he'd installed into his cruiser.</p>
      <p>"Peepi! Peeeepi!"</p>
      <p>Ultra-Peepi turned to see a large, fake hotdog from a hotdog shop hanging below the cruiser by way of tractor beam.</p>
      <p>"The weenie tempts yoooouuu!" Zim snag out.</p>
      <p>"RAAAARRR!" Ultra-Peepi ran at the hotsog and Zim screamed like a little girl, flying the Voot Cruiser around the tanks as Ultra-Peepi chased after him.</p>
      <p>The soldier who'd BEEN in the smushed tank popped his head up.</p>
      <p>"I'm okay!" He said happily, giving everyone a thumbs up. "I'M OKAY!"</p>
      <p>SMUSH!</p>
      <p>"Still okay!"</p>
      <p>"AAA!" The commanding officer shouted. "Now we're being attacked by giant weenies. Get the weenie! Get it!"</p>
      <p>The tanks began to fire on the cruiser, and missing. A lot. Luckily Zim had made it to the carnival and had put the giant hotdog into a Ferris Wheel…it was being used as bait. The Voot Cruiser launched two metal disks that puffed out like balls, then rolled to the Ferris Wheel, using mechanical arms to latch onto it and lift it above the ground. Jets then sprung from the metallic balls, ready to ignite as the giant hamster made his way towards the Ferris wheel.</p>
      <p>"Yes, Ultra-Peepi…" Zim hissed, rubbing his gloved claws together. "Yes, Ultra-Peepi, <em><strong>yes</strong></em>! Obey!"</p>
      <p>He walked through a roller coaster, came closer…then began EATING the wheel.</p>
      <p>"ARGH! BAD PEEPI!" Zim snapped. "Don't eat the wheel! Master LIKES the wheel!" Then he slit one eye while the other opened up, the Irken equivalent of a raised eyebrow, seeing more tanks pull up.</p>
      <p>"Okay, let's try and go with the hamster this time, we gotta use this stuff on <strong>something</strong>!" The soldier from before said.</p>
      <p>Dib ran over to them, arms flailing around. "Don't attack! The alien is trying to get rid of the hamster! Don't interrupt his plans!"</p>
      <p>The soldier rolled his eyes and did the "crazy" gesture with one finger. "The boy's crazy. Put him in one of them crazy buckets!"</p>
      <p>Some soldiers ran up to Dib and placed in a metal container that covered all but his head as the tanks fired on Ultra-Peepi, who was holding the Ferris wheel under his arm. Pressing a button on the control panel, the thrusters on the metal balls that were attached to the Ferris wheel ignited and sent the Ferris Wheel up into the sky.</p>
      <p>"No time to spare!" Zim hissed. "Fine, Ultra-Peepi! You had this coming!"</p>
      <p>Quickly maneuvering around Ultra Peepi, diving and ducking and using all his skill, he launched the last two disks out, and they swelled up into balls that attached to his neck. The mechanical arms extended and soon they were tying around Ultra-Peepi like a collar.</p>
      <p>FA-WHOOOOOOSH!</p>
      <p>The thrusters activated, and Ultra-Peepi went soaring into the air while everyone watched. Dib, who was still stuck in the "Crazy Bucket", hopped over as Zim, in a disguise, walked out from behind the general, having quickly changed in a nearby telephone booth.</p>
      <p>"Whyyyyy?" A sniveling, brown-shirted child asked, tears dripping from his eyes.</p>
      <p>Dib frowned. "Ya wanna know WHY!? Because aliens tampering with our life forms is dangerous, and ends in pain-"</p>
      <p>
        <em>Zim, he's not being very comforting. You can hurt him this one time!</em>
      </p>
      <p>"Oh goody!"</p>
      <p>Dib wailed as Zim kicked him to the side and Dib rolled away…right into a cotton candy machine. So maybe it wasn't such a bad day after all!</p>
      <p>CLANG!</p>
      <p>Oops, the thing fell on him. I take it back.</p>
      <p>"Because when you create a giant monster of doom, no matter how cute, you have to…" He tapped his lip with a gloved claw. "You have to... I dunno…lemme try again." He cleared his throat. "Heh-hem…<strong>something meaningful.</strong>"</p>
      <p>The child just sniffled some more.</p>
      <p>"But stop sniveling, little worm monkey." Zim insisted. "Ultra-Peepi will live on... out there... in the stars." He said, waving his hand dismissively.</p>
      <p>BOOOOOOM!</p>
      <p>Ultra-Peepi crashed back into the city, and a large, VERY angry growl could be heard.</p>
      <p>"You…DON'T…LAND…ON…<strong>ME</strong>, YOU LITTLE!"</p>
      <p>"Hoo boy." Dib gasped, crawling out from underneath the cotton candy machine.</p>
      <p>"THAT'S IT, YOU AIN'T GONNA BE <strong>PRETTY NO MORE!</strong>"</p>
      <p>There was a horrible, sadistic crunching and squelching sound followed by horrified squeals. And then there was a moment when I SWEAR they could see EVERYTHING but Zim says it's just the way White was holding the spear-</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>
        <strong>IMPORTANT BULLETIN!</strong>
      </p>
      <hr/>
      <p>"We apologize for the immense amount of violence in this cartoon." Nick says, smiling cheerfully. "We assure you, no animated characters or animals were actually harmed in the filming of this production!...plenty were killed. Cuz there's a difference between harmed and killed. When you're dead, you rot and stuff."</p>
      <p>Ultra-Peepi's head crashes down next to him, tongue sticking out as Nick let out an "ew", sticking out his tongue as White kicks the head across the screen, snarling, his pants ripped.</p>
      <p>"And THIS, and THAT and some of THESE and some of THOSE you stinkin' lousy-!"</p>
      <p>"Uh…I wanna apologize to the ASPCA and those people who care about the Ethical Treatment of Animals. PLEASE don't sue me." Nick begged. "Now then, we return you to-"</p>
      <p>A note was handed to him. He looked it over. Then his eyes went wide.</p>
      <p>"…no." He said softly. "Oh NO."</p>
      <p>The worst news he could have ever heard.</p>
      <p>Jhonen was crashing.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Nick stood by Jhonen's form, holding onto his hand. The doctors could do no more for him…now it was just a matter of time.</p>
      <p>"C'mon, Jhonen, you've gotta pull out of this!" Nick insisted. He couldn't believe this was happening, that the sickly, pale, sweating mass of flesh before him was Mr. Vasquez who'd been so NICE to him. "You're the GOD of this place, you can't die! I saw the future just before I came here, you're gonna help me lead your creations to each of their destines, and I teach you how to have hope!"</p>
      <p>"The future's…a WARNING…" Jhonen coughed out, holding a fist to his mouth to suppress them as best he could. "Not a promise, I…I can't be…that person anymore. It's up to you."</p>
      <p>"NO!" Nick insisted, shaking his head. "I can't be that person! YOU'RE supposed to be…you're supposed to be MY guide…"</p>
      <p>The heart rate monitor began to beep rapidly, but he didn't hear it. He could only hear Jhonen's shallow breathing.</p>
      <p>"I know we'd talked about that often, but…but I couldn't be like that. I'm a horrible teacher. Besides…I've seen…" He began coughing madly, then took a long, deep breath as some sweat poured down his brow again and he looked up at the ceiling. "Seen the future too…in that future, I was always in the background…I'd never get any sort of chance to tell the others how…" He smiled sadly. "How PROUD of them I am…"</p>
      <p>Faster and faster. So fast…it was like somebody was playing a video game and about to lose, about to crash the ship…</p>
      <p>The red-haired, glasses-wearing Mexican American turned to Nick. "Nick…tell them that…I have always…been proud. That I…" He began to close his eyes, his words turning into a sigh. <em>"Have always…"</em></p>
      <p>A flat line was blaring through his ears now. Jhonen had not even gotten the chance to finish the message. Nick stood up, then buried his face in his hands and sank to his knees just outside of Jhonen's room, allowing the tears to come even more fluidly than they had before.</p>
      <p>He was gone.</p>
      <p>Their God, their Creator...</p>
      <p>Was dead.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Well...what else can I say besides review? And please, don't cry for Jhonen. He wouldn't want you to pity him.</strong>
      </p>
    </div>
  </div>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <strong>Consider this a present: a quick update and season finale!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>HELL</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"Okay everyone, get ready!" Mr. White said. He was inside a blue-painted room with much recording and copying equipment surrounding him. There was a snazzy metal clipboard in his hand that had names written upon it. Currently he was on Zita.</p>
      <p>"Get your money ready, we don't have a lot of time!" He said, motioning Zita to sit down.</p>
      <p>Zita handed him a twenty dollar bill and then sat in a chair facing a camera.</p>
      <p>"Say "Cheers"!" White laughed.</p>
      <p>"Cheers!"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>FLASH!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Next up was Melvin.</p>
      <p>"Say "Beers"!"</p>
      <p>"Beers!"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>FLASH!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"Alcohol dependency is just three…?"</p>
      <p>"…YEARS!"</p>
      <p>FLASH!</p>
      <p>"WHAT…THE HECK!?" Dib shouted, going into the electronics room and crossing his arms. "Mr. White, WHAT are you doing?"</p>
      <p>"Relax, ten percent goes to your favorite charity!" White laughed as GIR handed Zita her fake ID from a stack of printed-out IDs. "GIR and I are providing a vital service to America's youth!"</p>
      <p>"You are CONTRIBUTING to the <strong>delinquency of minors</strong>, White!" Dib said angrily. "AND getting them hooked on beer!"</p>
      <p>"Oh c'monnnnn!" White said, rolling his pink eyes and whacking the kid on the shoulder.</p>
      <p>"Ten years from now, when they're sitting on a bar on the inside while the police have their ride on the outside, they aint' gonna be calling you up and THANKING you for that first Jack Daniels!" Dib snapped.</p>
      <p>"You're just a prude." White sniggered.</p>
      <p>"You BURNT DOWN THE HOT TOPIC. You should be in JAIL, you evil jerk!" Dib told him.</p>
      <p>NOW the albino looked genuinely offended! "WOAH! I am NOT evil. I'm very SELFISH and subject to many, many whims. There's a difference!" White insisted.</p>
      <p>"Look White, you have to get out of here! Homeroom is about to start! And every day Principal Prinkley comes in here with a bottle of wine from the teacher's lounge fridge to look up <strong>INTERNET PORN</strong> on the computers!"</p>
      <p>"Woah, really? That's…that's bad, um…" White's brow furrowed. "You realize I've now got a VERY uncomfortable visual image burnt into my brain because of you?"</p>
      <p>"Sorry." Dib apologized, nervously shrugging.</p>
      <p>"Okay, let's get out of here, there's still some-"</p>
      <p>BRIIIIING!</p>
      <p>"…<strong>SHIT</strong>! Quick, everyone group together! GIR, dive out the window!"</p>
      <p>GIR nodded and dove out the window. "OW! The roses <strong>hurt</strong> me!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the principal entered the room to see Mr. White and Mr. Grey leading the kids in a rendition of "What is Love".</p>
      <p>"<em><strong>What is love? Baby don't hurt me!"</strong></em></p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>"Don't hurt me!"</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>"No more!"</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>"What is love?"</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>"Baby don't hurt me!"</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>"What is THIS?!" Principal Prinkley demanded to know, his moustache quivering from left to right.</p>
      <p>"Glee Club practice, sir!" Dib lied.</p>
      <p>"We don't HAVE a Glee Club!" Principal Prickley snapped.</p>
      <p>"Not YET." White said, raising a finger in the air. "But we want to establish one so that students at our beloved school make constructive use of their time, rather then spend their time…I dunno…" He waved his hand in the air in a dismissive manner. "Looking up internet pornography?" He supposed, putting a finger on his lip.</p>
      <p>Prickley frowned angrily.</p>
      <p>White shrugged. "I mean, I went to read an article on "No Carbs and Tight Abs" in a women's fitness magazine yesterday, and…"</p>
      <p>"You are a ROTTEN egg…" Prickley hissed.</p>
      <p>"And the pages, as if by some magical adhesive…" White gesticulated, pretending to pull the pages of a magazine wouldn't open.</p>
      <p>"THAT'LL BE <strong>ENOUGH</strong>…" Prickley growled.</p>
      <p>"I need to cut the pounds." White said, patting his stomach. "And my fingers just can't open the-"</p>
      <p>"STOP IT!" Prickley snapped.</p>
      <p>White held his hands in the air. "That's all I'm gonna say. Whatever does it for you!"</p>
      <p>"Thank the LORD I only have to see you once or twice a week!" Prickley muttered.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…It had been a week since Jhonen had died. The funeral service had been simple and elegant and Nick was trying to forget about what had happened by finding comfort in teaching. Kelsey had suggested that he try a new lesson plan...</p>
      <p>Which he was going to begin today. To be truthful, there was one <strong>other</strong> big thing he could take comfort in, and a little reminder of it always hung around his neck.</p>
      <p>"Today's lesson is going to be about the Bible." Nick said as he held up a big, thick copy of the Bible that had golden letters on the front. "This…is the Greatest Story Ever Told!" He exclaimed happily. "Action! Adventure! Romance! Drama! Lots and LOTS of violence, plenty of "feel good" messages, EXCELLENT parenting advice AND more philosophical food for though than you can shake a snake-turned-into-a-stick at!"</p>
      <p>"Parental advice?" Dib asked, looking confused as he tilted his head.</p>
      <p>"Oh yes!" Nick said, nodding. He held the book open. "Abraham called to sacrifice his son…Moses's mom pushed him down a river in a basket…Solomon said "cut a boy in half", he was the WISEST man in the Bible! Who am I to argue with him?"</p>
      <p>"There's a woman somewhere who's just been cured of something. <strong>Praise God!</strong>" Sara shouted, standing up on his desk.</p>
      <p>"Indeed. THAT'S the spirit!" Nick laughed. "Now then…for starters, I'm gonna hand out copies of the New and Old Testament and I want you to see if you spot any big differences…"</p>
      <p>Nick went over to the book case and pulled out a large stack of books that had Jesus on the cover. He began to pass them around but then noticed…somebody had drawn on the cover. Jesus now looked like he was juggling.</p>
      <p>"WHAT THE?!"</p>
      <p>Zim found it funny and began to snicker madly, covering his mouth. "Oh, so you think this is FUNNY?" Nick asked. "So Jesus is a clown now?" He asked, eyebrow raised. "People HATE clowns, y'know! Everybody <strong>LOVES</strong> Jesus!" He snapped.</p>
      <p>"Hey, if Jesus and Superman got into a fight, who would win?" Zita asked.</p>
      <p>Nick groaned and slapped his face. "We've got some work to do…I'm gonna need some…TOOLS…for this…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Nick had now put on a priest's garb for the next day's class. He sat on the desk, smiling benignly at the kids who all looked at him, then at each other. Zim was immersing himself in the Old Testament, eagerly looking over the parts that involved God smiting people, reading them OVER and OVER.</p>
      <p>"I will lead you wayward lambs to the light. I will fill your souls with the love of Jesus who died upon the cross, <em><strong>bleeding</strong></em> and-"</p>
      <p>"Ah-HA!" Zim said, pointing into "Deuteronomy, 21:18". "The father and mother shall lay hold upon him, and all the men in his city shall stone him with stones that <strong>HE-SHALL-DIE!</strong>" Zim laughed. "I will <strong>stone</strong> the Dib! God <strong>WANTS</strong> me to stone him!" He then clenched his hands together in prayer. <em>"Blessed be thou, O Heavenly Father, who judges me to so righteously slay the Dib-Stink."</em></p>
      <p>"…uh…that only works if he goes against his father's will." Nick said. "And you ain't his father."</p>
      <p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
      <p>"Isn't it wrong to wear a cross?" Zim asked. "I mean, they executed this… "Jesus" person on it!" He inquired. "If they threw him into an electric chair and pulled the switch, would we all walk around wearing electric chairs on necklaces?"</p>
      <p>"…er, the cross is the SYMBOL of Jesus's love, because he cared about others so much that he offered himself to die UPON the cross…"</p>
      <p>Then there came a knock upon the window and Nick's eyes went wide as a big black crow tapped on the window.</p>
      <p>"Oh, that's just my friend Satin." Zim said nonchalantly. "I call him that because he's so silky and dark!"</p>
      <p>Nick fumbled with his mood cross necklace. "Oh <strong>GOD</strong>…" He sobbed.</p>
      <p>THE NEXT, NEXT DAY..</p>
      <p>"So…let me see if I understand this right…" Zim said, rubbing his chin as Nick lowered the pointer stick down from the chalkboard. "During this "communion" ritual…you eat a piece of bread which you call "the host", right?"</p>
      <p>"Yes." Nick said, nodding. "Right."</p>
      <p>"So…if that's the body of Christ, then…" Zim raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't that make you all cannibals?"</p>
      <p>"<strong>You're as godless as a pygmy in the Amazon!</strong>" Sara shrieked, whacking Zim over the head with the Bible over and over.</p>
      <p>"OW! OW! OW! HURTING ME! WITH A HOLY BOOK!" Zim cried as he tried to shield himself and failed miserably.</p>
      <p>"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"</p>
      <p>"…it's supposed to be SYMBOLIC, Zim…" Nick moaned, hitting his head against the chalkboard over and over.</p>
      <p>"Sara, don't be too near him. You don't want to get close when the <strong>lightning bolt</strong> hits him." Dib spoke up.</p>
      <p>"Oh. Right." Sara stepped away from Zim and went back to her seat as Zim clutched his head, groaning.</p>
      <p>"Now remember people, The Christian Right uses the Bible to force President Man to pass a lot of stupid laws. In fact, it's the reason why I'm not supposed to teach evolution without teaching intelligent design as well." Nick remarked. "Can anybody think of other uses for Religion in history? Dib?"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. HMM.</p>
      <p>Dib nodded. "Well during the Crusades, the Pope would tell his troops "Deus Volunt", which means "God Wills It". So they went off and committed some of the worst and most fragrant cruelties every known to man and were praised for it in their time. A similar situation appeared during the early days of colonizing the Americas, when the Spanish forced Christianity on the natives and were lauded as bringing God's holy word to them."</p>
      <p>Nick nodded. "Thanks to the lens of history, we can now look back on time and laugh, and LAUGH and…cry. For a very…long…time." Nick said sadly. "I suppose that you could say that history has allowed us to judge them because we are their future generations…and who knows, in fifty years, maybe people will look back on the Intelligent Design bill and say "that was brilliant", even though it appears to us as stupid…or vice versa!"</p>
      <p>"So in the wrong hands, Religion is a dangerous tool?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"Yes." Nick said, nodding. "Yes indeed!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… Zim had NOT been idling around in class. After studying the Bible intensely, he realized he could USE the Bible for his own purposes.</p>
      <p>Yep. His hands were wrong enough!</p>
      <p>"And the Lord said unto Moses, that he should separate himself from wine and strong drinks!" Zim said, emptying the contents of every single beer and wine bottle in Prickley's stock at the teacher lounge into the trash can...Mr. White had let him inside. "Ha-ha! I'm doing the Lord's work!"</p>
      <p>"Saving his soul AND his liver!" White said happily.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…standing before a "Victoria's Secret", Zim turned to White, who had given him a large spray can and a lighter. "This is sinful too, right?"</p>
      <p>"YES. Preaching VANITY. Just like Hot Topic did! C'mon, let's get to sin-busting!" White said, firing up his own little flamethrower.</p>
      <p>FWOOSH! First the A-Cups, then the B-Cups, then the C-Cups, then the D-Cups…then the panties. The GLORIOUS panties!</p>
      <p>Say goodbye to all the little piggies!</p>
      <p>"Sorry GIR…they're <em>unclean</em>." Zim said, tossing the little rubber piggies into the trash. GIR began to cry.</p>
      <p>WOOP! Down with your pants if you approached a high staircase!</p>
      <p>"AAA!" Prickley screamed.</p>
      <p>"You must expose yourself before you approach the altar!" Zim laughed.</p>
      <p>A large group of male kids all gulped nervously as Zim held up a pair of hedge clippers.</p>
      <p>"Who wants to be circumcised first?" He asked, grinning broadly.</p>
      <p>"AAAAA!"</p>
      <p>"Shouldn't we stop 'em?" A cop asked as Zim chased after Spoo.</p>
      <p>"Nah. He's one of those Christian nuts. If we try somethin', we're gonna have eighteen million others just like him breathin' down our necks and callin' the ACLU." His partner said, eating a donut.</p>
      <p>SNIP!</p>
      <p>"AAA!"</p>
      <p>"Oops! Missed! You're supposed to HOLD STILL!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "What the HECK?!" Dib stood before a completely wrecked "Hall of Fame" for the school's sports teams. The trophies were burnt to little puddles of gold, the glass casing was smashed and the word "SIN" was written all over.</p>
      <p>"They committed Idolatry." Zim explained as he calmly looked through "Leviticus" again, sitting on a bench nearby. "Worship of false idols!"</p>
      <p>"So it IS you who's been going around town, hasn't it Zim?!" Dib asked, frowning.</p>
      <p>"ZIMRI." Zim said nonchalantly. "It means "God's praised"!"</p>
      <p>"You POMPOUS-" Dib began, pointing his finger at the Irken.</p>
      <p>"Say, does your wallet feel…light?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"What are you-" Dib's eyes went wide and he reached into his back pocket, finding that his wallet was almost totally cleaned out. "AAA! What the!?"</p>
      <p>"You have to give one tenth of everything you earn to the Lord!" Zim said happily. "I already donated it to some nuns."</p>
      <p>"You…YOU!" Dib growled, his fingers clenching like claws.</p>
      <p>"Once you got the Word, you should spread it…RIIIIGHT?" He asked, his grin growing bigger.</p>
      <p>"I oughta!"</p>
      <p>"Well, according to Proverbs, the complacency of fools will destroy them! And you've been a BIT too relaxed recently…you NEEDED a shaking up." Zim said calmly. "Oh, and since you're more than 100 years YOUNGER than me, that makes you a CHILD." Zim added, reaching to his right and holding up a big stick. "And that means you must be disciplined with a rod!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… Dib sat in a church, hands clasped together. He had a black eye and MANY bruises on his back.</p>
      <p>"Lord…I've been thy humble servant in the search for truth." He prayed. "I don't ask for too much, Lord. But I ask for this one thing: that you smite him, Lord. If it be thy will! Just a little smiting! <em>Why</em> are you doing this to me?" He sobbed. "Am I the new Job? What's next? A plague of LOCUSTS? I just watered the lawn! And what's this I feel on my butt? A BOIL?! I got BOILS, God? I don't even know WHERE to get boil grease!"</p>
      <p>SOON…</p>
      <p>KNOCK-KNOCK!</p>
      <p>Gaz answered the door to see Dib, on his knees, looking pleadingly into her eyes. "You GOTTA help me stop Zim, Gaz! He's slashed all the tires in the city to keep people from going to work on Sunday! He's beating up every person who calls somebody "father" that he can lay his hands on! He's got A HAREM!"</p>
      <p>"<em><strong>What</strong></em>?!"</p>
      <p>"Numbers 31:18, 31:35, Judges 21:12!" Dib sobbed. "It's only a matter of time before he gets to the parts about putting people to death, and none of the police will help me because they consider him to be part of a "Christian Right special interest" group and they "don't wanna infringe on his right to worship"!"</p>
      <p>"Fine…fine. I'll help. If anybody's gonna kill you, it's ME." Gaz said, jabbing her thumb at her chest. "First of all, you need to stall him…call your teacher, Nick!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Hey there, Zim…RI!"</p>
      <p>Zim was looking through "Leviticus" and thinking up a plan to kill all the queers when Nick approached him at his park bench. "You're really getting into this! All this versifying and Bible quoting…it's impressive. You have a gift!"</p>
      <p>"…you think so?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"Yes, Zimri! I can tell you want to serve the Lord!" Nick said happily. "You got a CALLING to jump to. That's why I've arraigned for you to spend 3 hours after school every day at the local chapel, doing odd jobs!"</p>
      <p>"Zimri's" eyes went wide.</p>
      <p>"And your PARENTS…" Nick leaned in close to "Zimri's" face. "Agreed to it." He held up a contract that showed Zim's parent decoy's scribble on a signature space. "Shoulda closed the door, Zimri. Shoulda closed the door."</p>
      <p>"Wh-WHAT?" Zim managed to gasp out.</p>
      <p>"You can't hide your light behind a bushel! You must let it SHINE, like a silver candlestick…and there's gonna be a LOT for you to SHINE, Zimri…" Nick said, grinning broadly. "Both of us, let's PRAISE the Lord!"</p>
      <p>"Hey…all I did was read YOUR book of prayer and worship!" The Irken hissed. "You cannot punish me for THAT! You're supposed to be on MY side! And what happened to "love thy neighbor as thyself"?!"</p>
      <p>"It's not a punishment! It's a reward!" Nick said. "An ETERNAL reward." He added, smirking. "Now I COULD punish you…if you did something WRONG…and you didn't do anything WRONG, did you?" He asked innocently.</p>
      <p>Zimri's eyes turned to slits. He hissed angrily and walked off, stomping away so heavily his toupee almost came off, realizing he was <strong>trapped</strong>! Trapped in his own web or religious manipulation!</p>
      <p>Dib, who had been watching the scene from a nearby bush, clenched his fist and punched the air. "HA!" He laughed. "It's TRUE what they say!" He crowd. <em><strong>"The Lord helps those who help-"</strong></em></p>
      <p>KRA-KOOOOOM!</p>
      <p>He was knocked off his feet by a lightning bolt and hit the ground, groaning. "OWWWW…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib, Gaz and Nick all sat together in the Membrane living room. A single candle was alit between them as they talked quietly.</p>
      <p>"Okay, he's going to be staying after school and doing "God's work" just like you planned, but before we go on, one thing: I don't want him seriously <strong>hurt</strong>, and there's nothing wrong with Zim taking a few lessons from the NEW Testament to heart." Nick said. "So I don't want you thinking up a plan that involves <strong>any</strong> autopsies <strong>OR</strong> reporting him to the authorities!"</p>
      <p>"Well…" Dib ripped up a big, thick journal. "There goes all of MY ideas! It took me five hours to think up half of the dissections…"</p>
      <p>"The way I see it, Zim simply has to fall from grace." Gaz said creepily, the light from the flame casting a eerie shadow on her face as she looked around at them. "So we go to the first page of the Devil's Playbook…TEMPTATION." She said, holding up an apple from a bowl of fruit on the table before them. "As Jesus said, "let he who is without sin throw the first stone". So if ZIM sins…"</p>
      <p>"Then he can't go around throwing stones at US!" Dib agreed.</p>
      <p>"Right! EVERYONE sins, EVERYONE wins!" Gaz said nodding her head as her shadow danced around behind her. "We're going to need GIR in on this…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim was looking through Leviticus to see which passage would allow him to kill Dib off. He was on his way home, and as a result was surprised when he got home and saw…</p>
      <p>"I made chocolate chip cookies!" GIR said, holding up a tray of cupcakes, a big, stupid smile on his face. "Don't eat 'em, I made 'em for myself!" He said, putting them down on the table and heading to the bathroom to wash his hands.</p>
      <p>Zim blinked his eyes as he put his disguise away. He smelled the air.</p>
      <p>…cookies…COOKIES…</p>
      <p>He approached the cookies, then looked around nervously. Nobody to the left…nobody to the right…</p>
      <p>He stuffed a handful of chocolate chip cookies into his mouth, then began to chew. Suddenly the doorbell rang just as GIR exited the bathroom.</p>
      <p>"Hey there, Zimri!" Dib said, holding up a cake as Gaz and Nick stood behind him. "I've decided to bake you a cake because I must not resist one who is evil and-"</p>
      <p>"AAA! You ate my cookies!" GIR said, jumping onto the table and covering his eyes as he sobbed. "Why, master? I toldja not to! WHYYYY!?" He screamed, clenching his fists and throwing his head back as he cried.</p>
      <p>"Er…uh…UM…" Zim gulped.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, but Zimri couldn't have taken somebody else's COOKIES, now would he?" Gaz asked. "That would be a…SIN!"</p>
      <p>Zim gulped. "Er…I…uh…I don't wanna go to Hell!" He screamed, grabbing the sides of his head and running away, screaming.</p>
      <p>"…guys…I think he may actually do something nasty." Nick remarked. "We'd better follow him…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim was sitting in his lab, brow furrowed as he rubbed his temples. Nick tapped his chair and he turned around to face Gaz and Dib.</p>
      <p>"Go away." He mumbled. "Get out of my house!"...uh…Exodus."</p>
      <p>"Zim, come on, that quoting is not gonna make us leave." Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>"Just lemme rot down here until I go to Hell with the <strong>REST</strong> of you!" Zim snapped.</p>
      <p>"Hold on, hold on!" Nick insisted, holding his hands up. "You're not going to Hell! NOBODY I'm looking after is going to go to Hell!"</p>
      <p>"But I sinned! There's no hope for me!"</p>
      <p>Nick sighed. And then…</p>
      <p>"This then is a message which we have heard of him and declare to you. That God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us. John 1:5." Gaz quoted, making everyone turn and gape at her.</p>
      <p>"…uh, what?" Zim asked, tilting his head to the side.</p>
      <p>"It means if you just say "I'm sorry, Jesus" after you say what you've done, he'll forgive you." Gaz said. "Just go to Confession." She explained. "In fact, have Nicky-boy take you to the chapel?"</p>
      <p>"…okay…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim sat inside the chapel as Father O'Sullivan took a deep breath. "May I help you, son?" He asked in his deep Brogue accent.</p>
      <p>"Uh…" Zim thought back to what Nick had told him to say. "Bless me Father, I have sinned. It's been…well…NEVER…since my last confession…"</p>
      <p>"Tell me your sins, my child." Father O'Sullivan said gently.</p>
      <p>"Well I replaced people's organs with stuff, I stole somebody's cat, I fiddled around with a bunch of weasels I stole from a wildlife preserve, I kicked a homeless person, I created a super-hamster that rampaged through the city, I went inside somebody's body…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "I tried to make cotton candy at the Laundromat and ruined three loads of clothes, I broke into three soda machines, I had a child's eyes forcibly replaced with robotic copies, burnt down a Victoria's Secret, beat people and stole money in the name of God…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "I lied and pretended I was a baby inspector, broke into several houses, had my robot whack a kid over the head with a lead pipe, I set a gigantic hamster loose on the city and there's that thing from last week…<em>THAT'S</em> still going on…"</p>
      <p>Now Heaven knows the Lord made Irishman preeeetty pale, but few could ever hope to be as pale as Father O'Sullivan as he left the booth after forgiving Zim of his sins. Zim then exited the chapel and punched the sky.</p>
      <p>"WOOHOO!" He shouted. "Sin free! Now to go back to dooming the world!" He said happily, walking off.</p>
      <p>Nick watched him go, sighing as he rolled his eyes. "I don't think he'll ever forget what he's learned from all of this." He told Dib.</p>
      <p>"What's that?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"Nothing." Nick sighed as he watched Zim walk off. "I think…maybe it's time to change my style…" He rubbed his chin. "Maybe there's another way…I can't bring Jhonen back, he wouldn't want it, but he'd want me to find a way to move forward..."</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>
        <strong>BGM: Testing 1,2,3 by Barenaked Ladies</strong>
      </p>
      <p>…The morning brought the sun rising up over some small clouds and blue lit up the sky as Dib rubbed his eyes and went to his bathroom, looking into the mirror. What he didn't know was that Nick was biking towards his house at that same time, and Zim was up to some experiments.</p>
      <p>Nick hummed to himself as he biked down the road. "Yeah, a change might be a good idea." He thought out loud.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>Maybe it would be fun…<br/>To get a new opinion…<br/>Get a little work done<br/>And forget…</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Dib looked himself over in the mirror. "Maybe I've been going too EASY on Zim…"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>Maybe it would be cool<br/>If I rocked it old school<br/>Try to break a gold rule<br/>And a sweat!</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Zim rubbed his hands together as he stood in front of his computer console, a microphone sticking out to his right. "It will work, I'm sure!"</p>
      <p>"Why-dya say THAT, Master?" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>Zim laughed. "HA! This is a DIFFERENT experiment, GIR! I'll use subliminal messages to force everyone to worship me by spreading my voice out onto the radio!"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>Better than the first time!<br/>Better than the worst time!</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>He sighed wistfully.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>But if I could just reverse time<br/>I'd be set…</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>He tapped the microphone, then spoke into it.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>Testing 1,2,3<br/>Can anybody hear me?</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Nick continued to bike down the road, singing to himself.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>If I shed-the-ir-o-ny<br/>Would anybody cheer me?</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Dib rubbed his cheek, sighing sadly.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>If I act-ed less-like-me<br/>Would I be in the clear?</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p><strong><em>I've got a new apartment! It's out on the escarpment<br/>And in my glove compartment… are my songs!</em></strong> White sang out as he combed a brush through his hair.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>But I hope that they don't hear them…<br/>Cuz once they find out what the words meant…<br/>I know they will prefer them…</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>All wrong!</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Gaz rolled her eyes as she looked at Dib, who was looking himself over in the mirror.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>This is kinda like the last time…<br/>Soon I'll hear another dumb whine…<br/>Well he's not wasting MY time…<br/>I'm gone!</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Zim frowned, tapping the microphone.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>Testing 1,2,3<br/>GIR, can you hear me?</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Nick continued to bike down a large hill, seeing the school was fast approaching and he grinned as he continued to sing.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>If I shed-the-ir-o-ny<br/>Would anybody cheer me?</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Dib walked back into his room, putting on his clothes, one at a time.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>If I act-ed less-like-me<br/>Would I be in the clear?</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Gaz heard her brother singing and shook her head.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>I've recognized the preeeeeesent…</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>Is haaaaaaalf aaaaas pleeeeeaaasant…but ooooour noooooostalgia foooooor…</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>The past'll be presented! </em>
        </strong>
        <strong>
          <em>I'll change life and reinvent it…<br/>Until it's how we meant it!</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>She shook her head, groaning. "But is anybody even listening to me up there?" She asked, looking up into the sky.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>Testing 1,2,3<br/>Can anybody hear me?</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Nick biked harder and harder, grinning wildly.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>If I shed-the-ir-o-ny<br/>Would anybody cheer me?</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Dib had all his clothes on and he bounded down the stairs to head outside and to school, joining Gaz on the bus.</p>
      <p><strong><em>If I act-ed less-like-me<br/>Would I be in the clear?<br/></em></strong><br/>GIR smiled and danced around the lab, singing, making Zim blink in surprise.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>He's everything that we need!<br/>Just wiped out his ten-speed<br/>And either he will succeed…<br/>Or just suck!</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>Zim blinked, then looked down at his watch. "AAA! School! I've got to get going!" He gasped, eyes bugging out.</p>
      <p>He ran out of his underground lair as GIR took the microphone and began to sing into it. Unbeknownst to him, GIR's voice was going out onto the radio waves, his voice broadcasting over the airwaves, filling the air as people awoke to the song…</p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>Testing 1,2,3<br/>Can anybody hear me?<br/>If I shed-the-ir-o-ny<br/>Would anybody cheer me?<br/>If I act-ed less-like-me<br/>Would I be in the clear?</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>
          <em>Begin the...</em>
        </strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong></strong>
        <em>Testing 1,2,3</em><br/>Can anybody hear me?<br/>If I shed-the-ir-o-ny<br/>Would anybody cheer me?<br/>If I act-ed less-like-me<br/>Would I be in the clear?
      </p>
      <p>"Testing, 1, 2, 3…testing, 1, 2, 3…can everyone hear me? Now for the Morning Announcements !" Principal Prickley said into the intercom of the school as the students began to pile into class.</p>
      <p>Another day had begun. But life was going to change for them. Only time would tell just HOW.</p>
      <p>Still, no matter how it changed…they all would be there to meet the challenges. And, in their own, messed-up way, they'd meet the changes together.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Blasphemy has never seemed more fun! But <em>puh-leez</em> don't flame me, folks...I've got absolutely NOTHING against people of true faith. This was just a little fan episode done to show how people can use religion in VERY wrong ways...wrong AND funny at the same time.</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>I'd like to think this episode also shows a desire for change that all of the characters are beginning to feel. And change IS coming for them. And they will meet it together...even if their version of "together" is so screwed-up! :)</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>And don't forget...review! For Season Three now begins!</strong>
      </p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Plague of Babies</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>Hush little baby, don't say a word...</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>PLAGUE OF BABIES</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"Albino one!" Zim announced as he walked into the guidance counselor's office. "I wish to inquire about the emotion Dib speaks of as "compassion"."</p>
      <p>White looked away from his computer. "Little far from the honeycomb hive, ain'tcha "Bee's Knees"? And as for wanting to know about compassion, why don'tcha ask Nick?" He inquired. "HE'S Mr. "Feel-Good", y'know."</p>
      <p>"Why do you and the hair-beast keep referring to me as an INSECT! GRR…" Zim frowned angrily. "No matter! I do not DARE ask that substitute teacher he is too …" Zim shivered. "Touchy-feely, I believe is the term. He would start hugging me and saying "Oh, I've WAITED for this day" and such."</p>
      <p>"…good point. Well-"</p>
      <p>"What are you playing on your computer, albino? Is that…a VIDEO GAME?" Zim inquired, looking interested.</p>
      <p>"Yep! Tomb Raider!" White said eagerly.</p>
      <p>"YECH!" Zim stuck his worm-like, segmented tongue out. "EW!"</p>
      <p>"Oh c'mon, don't tell me you're scared of violence!"</p>
      <p>"Violence schmiolence, the main character is a human female! And a COMPETENT one!" Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>"She's not just ANY female, Zim…" White grinned, raising his eyebrows at the monitor. "Check out those bazookas!"</p>
      <p>"Uh…she is holding two PISTOLS." Zim remarked, looking over the albino's shoulder. "Now what is this "compassion"?"</p>
      <p>"Well, Zim…" White turned around and motioned for Zim to sit. "Compassion is a form of empathy."</p>
      <p>"…what's empathy?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"Empathy is something that allows you to put yourself in other people's shoes, so you know how THEY feel." White explained, placing his fingers together.</p>
      <p>"…then why would anybody want it?" Zim asked innocently.</p>
      <p>Blink-blink!</p>
      <p>"…holy cow, you've got no more sense of right and wrong than a <em><strong>tree frog</strong></em>." White realized out loud. "You really ARE his toughest case…" He sighed. "Look, just…take a candy from the bottle on my desk and get out of here." He asked, shaking his head.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…night had fallen. Zim had decided to go out in the Voot Cruiser for a routine check of the town…but since he wasn't the best pilot around, he had a tendency of not looking where he was going, and therefore another bee paid his cruiser a visit. Since he'd upgraded the Voot cruiser, it didn't blow up in midair.</p>
      <p>But it WAS smoking as it soared towards Zim's house, both Zim and GIR screaming inside of it as GIR held onto a hotdog he'd brought along. Desperately our "hero" tried to hit some buttons on the control panel as the ship plummeted through the night sky. The roof of the house opened up as the Voot Cruiser swirled up over the cul-de-sac, over the house and promptly dropped inside with a THA-THUNK.</p>
      <p>"Computer…REPAIR BAY." Zim ordered angrily as he stood up and looked over at GIR, who was sucking on a Suckmunkey Slushie that was within a cup that looked like a purple monkey with big orange eyes and yellow teeth. However GIR started coughing after one particular long suck on the grey straw.</p>
      <p>Zim frowned as the cockpit's front window opened and he rubbed his chin. "After we fix the Voot Cruiser, GIR, I wanna run a few tests on your artificial intelligence chip." He told GIR as the roof began to slowly close over their ship. "It seems to be... bad. For starters, you seem to lack the common sense to stop buying those drinks that make you cough."</p>
      <p>"But I LIKE Suckmunkies!" GIR defended. "AND Mr. "Ator" gave me a coupon for free slushies for life!"</p>
      <p>"Still, I believe that- UH!" Zim's eyes went wide…he saw the silhouette of a HUMAN watching from the window of a house not that far away!</p>
      <p>"Oh noooooo!" Zim cried, flailing his arms out as the roof closed completely and the living room floor opened up to let the Voot Cruiser be lowered down. Hopping off the ship and onto the floor, Zim hissed. "Hurry GIR! The mission's been compromised! I think we've been seen out of our disguises... by a human!"</p>
      <p>GIR hopped out of the ship, blinking as the floor closed up, sinking the Voot Cruiser into the underground lab for repairs. "But DIB'S seen us before. AND he knows where we live!"</p>
      <p>Zim began to chuckle. "Heh-heh-heh-heh! <em>Dib</em>. No, this is different. This is serious." He insisted.</p>
      <p>"EEEEK!" GIR screamed. Then he promptly forgot about what he was doing and headed over to the TV, turning on the Scary Monkey Show as it growled.</p>
      <p>"GIR!" Zim snarled, back hunched over, fists clenched.</p>
      <p>"Oh yeah!" GIR said, screaming again and following Zim up the stairs to the attic. Peeking out of a newly-formed window by using his special helmet, Zim gazed intently at said "spy".</p>
      <p>"Yes! A spy! In the top window of that house!" He spoke in a paranoid tone…in other words, normally. "Something must be done before he gets to the Earth authorities!"</p>
      <p>GIR popped up next to his master and looked out the window, looking at this "spy".</p>
      <p>"Who knows what this spy could do! He could sneak into my house! Peel the paint off my walls! Erase my hard drive! Make my TV record "<strong>Gigli</strong>"!" He howled, clawing at the air.</p>
      <p>GIR gasped, turning to look at his master. "OH! That's HORRIBLE!" He stated, turning back to look at the spy…to REALLY look at it. "That's…AWWWW. He's CUUUUTE. And stinky' lookin'!"</p>
      <p>Zim leapt backwards in surprise, eyes widening as the binocular helmet retracted and shot back into his PAK.</p>
      <p>"Cute!?" He exclaimed. Was the "cute" phenomenon getting to even GIR now?!" GIR, This is a serious threat to our mission!"</p>
      <p>"He's just a BABY!" GIR insisted, flicking on the light switch and waving at the baby. <strong>"Hi baby!"</strong> He called out.</p>
      <p>THWOOMP! Zim tackled him, then quickly turned off the light while the baby breathed heavily on the window outside it's bedroom, creating a little fog on the glass.</p>
      <p>Zim held GIR down, glaring. "What are you doing!? It'll see you!"</p>
      <p>"So?" GIR asked nonchalantly.</p>
      <p>"You think it's not a THREAT?!" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>GIR calmly nodded. "Yep."</p>
      <p>"As far as we know that's exactly what it wants us to think, GIR!" Zim said, peeking out the side of the window, eyes narrowing. "I must find out what it knows!" He swore as the window began to slowly vanish.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…soon Zim was knocking on the door of the house that the baby lived in, wearing a modified disguise of his usual outfit. He had a longer coat, a fake moustache and eyebrows, a red rubber nose, a headlight helmet AND…a snazzy metal clipboard and a pen! Let's face it folks, half the reason people dress up the way he dressed up was to use a snazzy metal clipboard.</p>
      <p>DING-DONG!</p>
      <p>The baby's mom opened the door, a woman with brown hair tied into a spiky ponytail with a band-aid on her head that made Zim think of Larb. He wondered how that guy was doing on Vort. Probably not NEARLY as good as HE was!</p>
      <p>"I am the neighborhood baby inspector! I have come to inspect the baby." Zim lied to the woman, trying to sound as official as possible.</p>
      <p>"Oh goodness! Inspect him for what?"</p>
      <p>"<strong>YOUR RESISTANCE WILL BE NOTED!" </strong>Zim snarled, thinking back to every single time he'd questioned something in class.</p>
      <p>PHYSICS LAB:</p>
      <p>"Okay class." Ms. Bitters remarked. "Begin by placing Block "A" on the ramp and take measurements of the angle."</p>
      <p>"You know…I expected more from your people's "physics class"." Zim hissed at Dib, who he'd had the unfortunate "honor" of being partnered with. "Where's the fusion arrays?" He asked Ms. Bitters. "The Graviton Sieve Phase Generator? The PLASMA FIELDS?!"</p>
      <p>"Your resistance will be NOTED for when we are choosing students to be put into the leopard cage." Ms. Bitters snapped.</p>
      <p>PRESENT…</p>
      <p>"Oh...okay…come in." The human mother said, letting Zim inside the living room.</p>
      <p>"Where may I interrogate the little one?" He asked cordially.</p>
      <p>The woman got up in his face, making him have to take in her scent of fish. "Well what's wrong with Noogums? He's always so well behaved, I-"</p>
      <p>Zim rolled his eyes, then walked away and looked at a row of pictures on the wall. "There's probably nothing to worry about, but we just wanna to be sure."</p>
      <p>Hmm. All pictures of Noogums, ages 1-7. He looked identical in every picture. But, since Zim didn't know too much about human biology he didn't think much about this.</p>
      <p>The woman tapped her lip. "He's upstairs, I'll go get him…" She said, turning around to see…WOAH. Zim had already reached the top of the steps! He was FAST.</p>
      <p>"Stay!" He ordered. "Due to the threat of contamination, I must speak with <em>Noogums</em> alone."</p>
      <p>"Oh my." The woman said as Zim walked into Noogum's room. It had a pleasing shade of blue wallpaper, lots of cartoon animal posters on the walls, plenty of stuffed animals scattered around in big piles, and a drawer filled with baby clothes. There was a green crib to the right side of Zim's view, a HUGE purple bear to the left, and there, before him, playing with blocks and blinking his purple eyes was a baby who was sitting underneath a mobile of moose and piggies.</p>
      <p>"And you must be Noogums." Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>Noogums just blinked.</p>
      <p>"Cease the silent act, sticky worm!" Zim hissed, walking up to him and knocking away of some of his blocks, getting in his face. "Your pathetic facade is as transparent as the drool on your face. What are you up too?"</p>
      <p>Pupils shaking, drooling slightly, Noogums ALMOST looked like he was going to cry. There was a slight…VERY slight…hissing noise, but Zim didn't pay attention to it.</p>
      <p>"Tell me what you know!" Zim demanded, pointing at him. "I will not be-"</p>
      <p>Then he sniffed Noogums and screamed. "What is that-AAAA! What is that STIIIINK?!" He howled, falling to the ground. "Must…be some kind…of defense mechanism!" He gasped. "So powerful…the SMEEEEELLLLL!"</p>
      <p>Noogums was giving him a look as one eyelid and his fake nose came off. Trying to crawl out, Zim was COVERED in stuffed animals…</p>
      <p>POOM! He burst out and RAN for his life out of the house, screaming all the while.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…back at repair bay of the lab, a large, grey-walled place with many floating machines that had tentacle-like arms hanging down from them, the Voot Cruiser was being repaired whilst GIR fiddled with an odd-looking machine and Zim tried to keep his dinner down…almost failing.</p>
      <p>"The human-ERG! Is much-AGH! Stronger than I suspected!" He gagged. "I'll have to use a higher percentage of my brain skills to outwit him."</p>
      <p>GIR had attached wires to his head, wires sticking out from a power amplifier. He pressed a button on the amplifier and was rewarded with a nasty shock of blue electrcitiy.</p>
      <p>"Either that or through some miracle of chance…that's the only way I could win!" Zim mumbled.</p>
      <p>WOOOP! GIR had pressed more buttons and was being lifted into the air, sending out a wave of blue energy. "No, what am I saying? You were right about him being harmless, GIR. Perhaps I overestimated him…or underestimated mys-"</p>
      <p>WOOOOMMMMPPPPAAAAHHHH!</p>
      <p>The wave swept over him and his pupils vanished as he squirmed around, going "DOYYYYYY-DUHHHH" before falling on his head, butt held up into the air, tongue rolling out of his mouth as the wave drifted to the side.</p>
      <p>His PAK blinked a few times. "Reactivate." It spoke.</p>
      <p>SCHWOORRRRK! Pink electricity surged through his body and he got back up, seeing GIR floating in the air, blue energy surrounding him.</p>
      <p>"GIR! Get away from that power amplifier!" Zim ordered.</p>
      <p>GIR frowned. "But I-"</p>
      <p>A glare.</p>
      <p>"…awwww."</p>
      <p>GIR lowered to the ground and the energy died away. Zim walked over to him, crossing his arms.</p>
      <p>"I should worry less about what a baby can do, and worry more about the damage <strong>you</strong> can do." He snapped, grabbing the wires attached to GIR's head and yanking them out. After letting to of them, they snapped back into the power amplifier. "Now stay away from the power amplifier! It's sending out deadly waves of stupidness!"</p>
      <p>DING-DONG.</p>
      <p>Zim's eyes went wide. "The doorbell!" He gasped, grabbing ahold of some mechanical arms that were attached to a floating machine and allowing it to carry him to the exit. "But the security system should have warned me as soon as anything set foot in the perimeter!"</p>
      <p>GIR, meanwhile, just grabbed another power amplifier wire and attached it to his head again.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim peeked out the front door, in disguise. Glancing left, then right, he shut the door and turned around, issuing an order as he did so. "Computer, run a diagnostic on the doorbell and-"</p>
      <p>He stopped in mid-sentence. A CROWD of babies were all huddled in the living room…Noogums at the front.</p>
      <p>"What are you babies doing here!? Get out! Shoo!" He demanded, pointing upward and not noticing they were all wearing the same green outfit, complete with belt and gloves. "At least I know why the alarm didn't go off." He remarked.</p>
      <p>Noogum's eye twitched as Zim went on. "You're too SMALL-"</p>
      <p>"Seize the enemy!" Noogums shouted in a deep voice, pointing at him.</p>
      <p>They swarmed over him in an instant as he screamed. "NOOOOOO-"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim had been tied up to a chair, his disguise stripped from him. "</p>
      <p>"Noogums, I should've <em>known</em>." He hissed.</p>
      <p>Noogums clenched his fist and pouted. "Don't call me by that name." He demanded. "It is demeaning to a leader of the proud and fierce race of the Nhar-Gh'ok to be dubbed Noogums."</p>
      <p>Zim gave him a look. "Okay, what should I call you then?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"Shnooky! Gorkspace Sergeant Shnooky!" "Shnooky" insisted.</p>
      <p>That name wasn't much better, BUT it did confirm one crazy theory Zim had had. "I knew it! Earth babies are actually from space!" He exclaimed.</p>
      <p>The baby formerly known as Noogums frowned and crossed his arms across his chest. "<strong>No</strong>. Our people look exactly <strong>like</strong> human babies. But we didn't know that when we landed here seven years ago!" Shnooky's eyes clouded with memory. "We were in a hospital building on our first information-gathering mission on his planet. And everything was going fine. Private Fooby had me examine a room…and we were SHOCKED by what we found!"</p>
      <p>"What did you find?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"Private Fooby had found the human maternity ward. We thought that somehow, the Earth military was keeping our people hostage. How could we have known any better?"</p>
      <p>Zim nodded appreciatively. "Yeah, I can understand THAT."</p>
      <p>"And then, disaster! Fooby panicked and hailed the mother ship to call for an emergency rescue! The babies were sucked into our ship instead of US because Fooby gave the wrong coordinates! And then some soldier with a red cross symbol on their outfits appeared and our entire landing party was CAUGHT!" Shnooky complained."By the time we were left alone long enough to call the mother ship again, it was out of range!"</p>
      <p>He hung his head. "We were left alone…stranded. We had no choice but to assume the identities of the babies that had been beamed aboard the ship!"</p>
      <p>"I SAID I was sorry!" A bunny-hat-wearing soldier mumbled, kicking the ground.</p>
      <p>"Hey, nobody's yelling at you." Another remarked.</p>
      <p>"It's been seven long years since that terrible night!" Shnooky snapped.</p>
      <p>"SOME of them are yelling at you." Zim remarked. "Now what do you want with ME?"</p>
      <p>"Simple…your ship! We're going home!"</p>
      <p>"You can't take my ship, it's mine!" Zim protested. "I EARNED it!"</p>
      <p>"We'll tell the humans all about you if you resist us!" The leader of the Nhar-Gh'oks snapped, pointing at him.</p>
      <p>"Oh, you want to play it THAT way, do you?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>Shnooky frowned. "And if we DO?"</p>
      <p>"<strong>Computer</strong>! Open the entrance to storage room two!" Zim shouted, hopping the chair into the air and knocking the baby-people-thingies that were right next to him away. The couch rose up, revealing an entrance to the storage level as Zim hopped backwards into the entrance, falling, falling and falling into the storage level, breaking the chair and standing up, grunting. "ERG. That hurt…"</p>
      <p>"Get him! <strong>Eat his feet off!</strong>" Shnooky roared out.</p>
      <p>Instantly the Nhar-Ghoks all hissed, revealing sharp teeth, pupil-less eyes and long tongues. They quickly kept the couch from lowering and closing off the exit, then lifted the couch up and peeked down the entrance at Zim, showing off their horrific appearance.</p>
      <p>"AAAA!" Zim shouted, rushing to the elevator shaft nearby and heading inside. The elevator glowed bright white, with light blue lines running around it to form a square pattern. "Computer, take me down to the Voot Cruiser repair bay!" He ordered.</p>
      <p>BANG! The elevator began to shake as the Nhar-Ghoks giggled evilly…Zim had never HEARD an evil giggle before and he hoped he'd NEVER heard it again. It was a CHILLING sound. CHILLING!</p>
      <p>"The ship is mine Noogums, or Shmoogy, or whatever your name is!" Zim yelled up.</p>
      <p>"It's Shnooky!" Shnooky yelled.</p>
      <p>"WHATEVER!" Zim shouted. "It's Invader property! You won't get your filthy little nub hands on it!" He swore, extending his spider legs from his PAK. They curled before him and created a square-shaped welding tool which blasted a hole through the shaft, knocking out a square-shaped chunk of the wall. Crawling out into that space, Zim looked down to see the elevator was still heading to the repair bay, the Nhar-Gh'oks on top of it.</p>
      <p>Quickly scampering through the interior of the base's walls, Zim headed towards a grate that covered up another shaft and pried it open as legs latched together to make two prongs which glowed bright blue and formed a plasma shield that surrounded him. Racing down through the shaft, Zim soon found himself right above the Voot Cruiser. Bouncing off the ship, shield deactivating, Zim looked up to see GIR was beat-boxing into one of the wires of the power amplifier whilst he stood atop the device.</p>
      <p>"GIR!" Zim shouted. "The babies are inside the base, GIR." He said solemnly, rushing to his servant's side. He used one of the legs to grab GIR and placed him on the floor,<br/>Zim uses one of the spider legs to grab GIR and put him on the floor. "They're after the Voot Cruiser."</p>
      <p>"I like babies!" GIR remarked.</p>
      <p>"I hafta get it OUTTA here." Zim insisted, crawling into the cruiser as the legs retracted. "I only hope the repairs are finished. You hold the babies off while I-"</p>
      <p>"I'm gonna play with the babies!" GIR proclaimed.</p>
      <p>Zim gave him a look. Sometimes he REALLY worried GIR, he thought as he pressed a button on the control panel.</p>
      <p>"MALFUNCTION."</p>
      <p>Uh oh!</p>
      <p>THWOOMP! A large blanket complete with spiked legs and foamy covers for his antennae appeared, designed as an "airbag" to protect him from harsh crashes. Ironically, it was now holding him in place…the exact OPPOSITE of what he wanted the ship to do, because the babies were banging on the repair bay door and GIGGLING EVILLY!</p>
      <p>"They're getting in, GIR! Do something!" Zim begged.</p>
      <p>"Okay!" GIR said, turning the power amplifier on after placing more of it's wires into his head. He began floating around and Zim groaned, finally managing to crawl out of the cruiser. He ran towards the amplifier, nimbly dodged the blue wave of stupidity GIR was generating and shut it off, making Zim fall to the floor…</p>
      <p>SCHIISSSSSS!</p>
      <p>Just as the Nhar-Gh'oks came into the repair break, using acidic saliva to melt the door.</p>
      <p>"BABIES!" GIR announced happily.</p>
      <p>"We will take your ship, and for the trouble you caused, we're going to destroy your base, leaving you stranded here, just like we were. Ironic, huh?"Shnooky announced. "<strong>And</strong>…since you made fun of my hands…we'll tell the humans all about you!" He added angrily. "Now my minions, form Giganto Baby!"</p>
      <p>"Gi-what?"</p>
      <p>SCHWOOOOOM! All of the troops jumped onto Shnooky and melded together, making one HUGE mass of teeming flesh that still had their faces sticking out from the front. Gasping in horror, Zim stepped back as two lumps of babies popped out of the original mass as feet, then OTHERS popped out as arms…though the first arm needed to be pulled out by the first. An electronic face appeared, being projected from one of the Nhar-Gh'hok's mouths, a teeming electric blue thing with a square shape…AND this monstrosity of mashed babies had a DIAPER too.</p>
      <p>"Oh foo." Zim groaned.</p>
      <p>Giganto-Baby began to tear up the ground around it, yanking on a long wire that caused a massive explosion to rip through the lab. Not wanting to give up, Zim leapt through the air on his spider les and grabbed a small mechanical arm that had a green, glowing tip attached to it and sailed it over to Giganto Baby, sticking it to the top of the thing and falling through the viewscreen that was it's head.</p>
      <p>He managed to SINK into the flesh of babies and was almost pulled in completely, but jumped out and rolled away…and one of the Nhar-Gh'oks plopped out as well. It swung it's claws at him, then jumped back into Giganto-Baby and hissed.</p>
      <p>"Hey! HEY! QUIT IT." He snapped, kicking it. It frowned…then one of the massive arms knocked him through the air and he slid down against the wall, groaning whilst GIR calmly ate chicken from a bucket. Zim, by now, was getting worried. He ran for his life, scampering away through many wires in the system as the Giganto-Baby monstrosity followed close behind, swinging at him to try and catch him. Then it happened…the beast got tangled in the wries and Zim managed to jump out and reach the platform where GIR was dipping a live, featherless chicken into mayo so he could eat it.</p>
      <p>Zim looked at GIR, then at the power amplifier and a brilliant idea hit him. "The amplifier!" H shouted. He grabbed ahold of GIR and slammed his head into the wires, lifting him up…yep, all of the wires were in!</p>
      <p>As Giganto-Baby broke free of the wires it had been stuck in and let out a roar, Zim dangled GIR in front of the monstrosity and turned on the amplifier to full power.</p>
      <p>SCHAWHOOOOOOMBAAAAAHHHH!</p>
      <p>The blue energy SOARED through the room, everywhere, and it would have hit Zim too…but when it soared up towards him, he stepped back slightly, and the platform he was dangling GIR over on protected him.</p>
      <p>GIGANTO-BABY, however, wasn't so lucky.</p>
      <p>"AM…DUMB…" He mumbled out. Then he? It? Whatever it was, it screamed and screamed before at last the power amplifier shut off and the Giganto-Baby fell apart into individual alien baby people…who all began to cry, having now become baby-like in intelligence. GIR danged from the wires, smoking as Zim climbed down to where the Nhar-Gh'oks were, grinning.</p>
      <p>"It worked!" He laughed happily.</p>
      <p>"Aw... <strong>I</strong> wanted to explode!"</p>
      <p>"Trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be, GIR." Zim insisted, waving his gloved claws in the air. "Now then…let's get these babies out of here!"</p>
      <p>Soon Shnooky was back in his own crib, the mobile circling around overhead…the window of the room broken.</p>
      <p>Zim's "baby launcher", a purple device…</p>
      <p>BOY Zim loves the color purple! Seriously, his CONTACTS were purple, his CRUISER was purple…</p>
      <p>Okay, back to the baby launcher! It retracted from out the circular window he'd been using to end the babies back to their homes.</p>
      <p><strong>"Bye, baby!"</strong> GIR called out happily, waving his hand.</p>
      <p>"GIIIIIIR!" Zim snapped, jumping on him and knocking him down as the window disappeared. He then got back up and dusted himself off. "I've learned my lesson. I'll not interfere with babies of ANY race…it's just not worth the terrible karma!" He raised a claw and pointed at GIR. "So let's NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN." Zim he demanded.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…back at Nick's house, Nick patted DL on the head, smiling. He'd just made dinner for all of them and was now tucking DL into bed. "How ya doin', big guy?" He asked. "Like it here?"</p>
      <p>"Thanks for showing me all around the way you did." DL said nervously as he sighed. "I know it must be a hassle to take care of a blind kid."</p>
      <p>"No, it's not, really." Nick insisted. "I understand how tough it can be to adjust to a new place. I REALLY do."</p>
      <p>Darth smiled at him, blinking his unseeing eyes. "Could you tell me a story?" He asked. "It helps me get to Sleeeepieeeeeees…but not for the rest of my life, y'know!"</p>
      <p>"Sure! What kind do you want?" Nick asked.</p>
      <p>"Could you tell me one about empires and space ships and alien planets? My mom used to tell me those." DL said. "Before she and dad went away and didn't come back…" DL nervously smiled. "A story will guarantee me complete SATISFACTION!"</p>
      <p>Nick smiled and ruffled DL's hair. "I'd LOVE to." He said gently. "I'd love to."</p>
      <p>Jhonen was gone. Kelsey was a little nervous about him taking in DL. But this world needed help now more than ever. And it would take a lot more effort to be able to care for everyone…but he'd do it. No matter how bad things got, he would keep working.</p>
      <p>Heh. It was funny. Zim was becoming more like him every week!</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Review! THE DUCK COMMANDS YOU. ):(</strong>
      </p>
    </div>
  </div>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Bloaty's Pizza Hog</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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      <p>
        <em>Swallow all your bitter pills, that's what makes you beautiful...</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>BLOAT'YS PIZZA HOG</strong>
      </p>
      <p>SCRITCH, SCRITCH, SCRITCH…</p>
      <p>Nick scribbled some words on the blackboard and turned around to face Zim and Dib's class. "FREUD, ladies and gentlemen. Sigmund Freud. A genius of the mind who analyzed dreams and personalities, he unlocked mysterious of the subconscious!"</p>
      <p>Zim was fiddling with a pencil, not caring. Luckily, Nick knew how to get him to pay attention.f</p>
      <p>"There are three concepts in Freud's model of the psyche: the ID, the EGO, and the SUPEREGO!" Nick stated, pointing up dramatically. He walked over to Zim and patted him on the head, making Zim frown. "Take ZIM here, for example…and perhaps…" He looked over at Dib. "Dib's sister, Gaz!" He shrugged. "They're good examples of ID…"</p>
      <p>Nick walked back to the drawing board and drew up a a boy and a girl to represent Zim and Gaz. "Id is all about the PLEASURE PRINCIPLE. Unless reality forcibly interjects, the id takes control of the body and makes it seek only self-gratification! The ID is all about ME-ME-ME, a SELFISH thing that operates on whim and caprice."</p>
      <p>"Would Mr. White count?" Dib inquired.</p>
      <p>"See, this is why you're a <em>prodigy</em>!" Nick laughed. "Yes, he's pretty Id-like himself! The nicest way to think of the Id is like it's a newborn child…or maybe a little puppy or dog?"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. Perhaps GIR could be considered pure "id" as well.</p>
      <p>"Then…we have EGO." Nick turned around and pointed at Dib. "Ah, EGO! It's centered around trying to balance the body's natural desires with reality, to organize thoughts and make sense of the world around us. The ego perceives truth…it is the voice of reason of the body. You, Dib, are a good example of ego, of a voice of reason."</p>
      <p>Dib blushed nervously, feeling flattered.</p>
      <p>"And then we come to SUPEREGO, which-"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…yep, it had been an interesting day at school…and tonight would be interesting too, Dib thought to himself.</p>
      <p>Zipping up a black stealth suit and snapping a belt around his waist AND adjusting some binocular goggles on his forehead, Dib was ready for his mission.</p>
      <p>Gaz, meanwhile, was drawing an evil-lookin' pig with crayons, unable to understand how her brother could be so annoying and stupid. "This is it, Gaz. Months of spying on Zim's freakish little house are about to pay off." Dib told her.</p>
      <p>She tried to drown out his voice by singing her favorite Goo Goo Dolls song in her head, moving the drawing she'd been working on to the side so as to draw another one. <strong><em>Ecstasy is all you need, living in the Big Machin-</em></strong></p>
      <p>"I know every outer defense and just enough of the inner ones to actually make it down to the real base underneath." Dib went on excitedly.</p>
      <p>Gaz crumpled up the half finished piggy drawing and threw it away it, then begins scribbling another piggy. <strong><em>Turn your anger into lust, I'm still mad but you don't trust-</em></strong></p>
      <p>"And once I get in there, I'm... man, am I gonna to <em>do something</em>..." Dib thought out loud.</p>
      <p>Well THAT did it. Gaz was now PIIIIIISSED, gripping the crayon so hard it GROUND into the drawing and the carpet. Pounding on the floor, her head pulled a Linda Blair and rotated a full 360 degrees…she could do that. She had POWERS. "I'm trying to draw a little piggy!" She hissed, sweating and drooling as her voice echoed darkly through the house. <strong>"CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO DRAW A LITTLE PIGGY!?" </strong>She asked, one eye all the way open and twitching, the one crunched shut.</p>
      <p>Then she snapped back to normal and turned to her drawing. "So be quiet."</p>
      <p>Dib frowned angrily at her. "Don't you care that Zim's trying to destroy all mankind? HUH?!"</p>
      <p>Gaz looked up slightly and spoke honestly for once in her life. "But he's so <strong>bad</strong> at it."</p>
      <p>Dib sighed and shook his head. "You just don't get it, do you?" He asked her. "There's been plenty of times when he's NOT bad at it AND he'll never, EVER stop! That's why I'VE got to stop him before he gets one moment of inspiration that will mean the END of all mankind!"</p>
      <p>Dib headed off to go get his bag of tools whilst Prof. Membrane's hover screen, his face flickering on the front, appeared. "Gaz, it's the annual family night out, and it's your turn to pick where we eat. The time for choosing is now!"</p>
      <p>Gaz didn't even have to think about it at all as her eyes swirled, an an image of Bloaty from Bloaty's Pizza Hog rotated around and around in them.</p>
      <p>"What's the matter?" Prof. Membrane inquired. "Do you know where you-"</p>
      <p>"Bloaty's. We're going to Bloaty's Pizza Hog. Pig... <strong>COMMANDS </strong>me!" Gaz said in a hypnotized tone.</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane shrugged. "That sounds fine, I'll be home at eight!" He said through the hover screen just before it went staticy and hovered away.</p>
      <p>Gaz smiled at the prospect of Bloaty's pizza as little hogs danced around her head, her beautiful eyes open wide and showing off their golden gleam…and then Dib called out her name and they burst into flames as her mood shot back down.</p>
      <p>"I'll be home in time for Mysterious Mysteries." Dib remarked, now wearing a special device on his back.</p>
      <p>"You know Dad's taking us out tonight." Gaz announced with a hint of eagerness in her voice. "I picked Bloaty's."</p>
      <p>"This is bigger than pizza, Gaz! This is the fate of all mankind!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>"You and your <em>mankind</em>..." Gaz muttered mockingly.</p>
      <p>"Uh huh. Whatever. Look, if I'm not home in time…" He handed Gaz a sheet of blue paper that showed a swollen eyeball with the number 1-555-555-0199 on it. "Call this number and tell them the mothman is caught in the spider's web!" He headed for the door. "They'll know what you mean. But, like I said, I'll probably be back before the Mysteries theme song starts."</p>
      <p>"Whatever. You can GO now." Gaz snapped. Dib left the house and Gaz dropped the paper to the floor, going back to draw little piggies.</p>
      <p>TWO HOURS LATER…</p>
      <p>The TV had been left on and was now starting to play a particular program. "Welcome, truth seekers, to Mysterious Mysteries... of Strange Mystery."</p>
      <p>Gaz's eyes widened upon hearing those words. So the show was starting?</p>
      <p>Gaz looked at the paper Dib had given her with the number on it, then calmly stuffed it in her mouth, eating it. And it was then that Prof. Membrane entered the house. "Kids, I'm home. Are you ready to go?"</p>
      <p>Gaz approached him, but he adjusted his glasses, concerned. "Hold on, where's your brother?"</p>
      <p>"He's out, let's go." Gaz said simply.</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane waved a finger in the air. "No, no, It's <strong>family</strong> night. That means everyone! If he doesn't get back soon, we'll have to put it off 'till next year."</p>
      <p>Gaz frowned. "What about the REST of this year?!"</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane rubbed his chin. "Hmmm, well..." He tapped a button on his left arm that was connected via-wire to his goggles. "Simmons, how does my schedule look for the rest of this year?" He asked, his goggles lighting up.</p>
      <p>"Busy sir, very busy. Wait! Something just opened up for September. Oh, scratch that. It just filled up." His assistant told him.</p>
      <p>Pressing the button again, the goggles went dark, turning back to normal. "No good, honey. It has to be today! And I've got a cure to discover at 9:30! So if he's not home soon, we're going to have to cancel the whole thing!" He told her, heading into the house.</p>
      <p>Gaz snarled angrily and clenched her fists, heading to her room.</p>
      <p><em>You know, you could stand to show a LITTLE more compassion to your only BROTHER. </em>The narrator's voice announced.</p>
      <p>"He can take care of HIMSELF." Gaz snapped back.</p>
      <p><em>And what if he CAN'T?! </em>The narrator inquired.</p>
      <p>Gaz blinked. "What's THAT supposed to-"</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>Dib's voice spoke up from a watchie-talkie that was around her wrist. "Gaz! Come in, Gaz! Emergency!" She looked down and saw on the small view screen it had that Dib was transmitting from inside of a strange lab. "There you are, Gaz! Looks like you'll have to tape the show for me, I made it in! It's... incredible! There are things down here I've never even dreamed of!" He proclaimed. Then he smiled. "And I'm gonna try and blow it up."</p>
      <p>Gaz frowned angrily. "Come home now Dib! Your weird obsessions are not gonna mess today up for me! I just want to go out and eat with Dad, THAT'S ALL! Stop playing with Zim and get back here!" She demanded, eyes narrowing.</p>
      <p>Dib blinked, tapping the side of his head. "You're breaking up! I can't hear you, I-"</p>
      <p>"STINK BEAAAAST!"</p>
      <p>Bolts of greenish-yellow energy soared by him and Dib looked to the side. "What the? ZIM! You'll NEVER get away with-!"</p>
      <p>TRZAAAAAP!</p>
      <p>Dib went flying, which made Gaz smile momentarily. "You got away with it for NOW, Zim…but you won't get with it for LONG!"</p>
      <p>Gaz frowned as the screen turned into static and she tossed the device away, making it fall under the bed. "Gaz, make sure you don't record over any old episodes!" Dib called out…</p>
      <p>The view screen flickered on once more and GIR, in Duty Mode, appeared, eyes narrowing evilly…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… Zipping up her own suit and putting on some boots, Gaz had headed over to Zim's house. The narrator spoke once again.</p>
      <p>
        <em>So NOW you're helping him, but only because you'll get something in return.</em>
      </p>
      <p>"Yeah, so?" Gaz snapped.</p>
      <p>
        <em>You're really selfish.</em>
      </p>
      <p>"Shut it, "Superego". I'm what's known as a Heroic Sociopath. Nobody will EVER blame me for my methods because in the end it's all for the greater good." Gaz reasoned, ringing Zim's doorbell as the Mom Decoy appeared.</p>
      <p>"Well, hello little boy!" She announced.</p>
      <p>KATHWACK! Gaz struck the mom so hard her eye popped out. Feeling the empty socket, the robot "blushed". "How embarrassing! Ah!" She wheeled towards the eye, trying to put it back in as Gaz walked inside the house.</p>
      <p>"I'm guarding the HOOOOOUSE." GIR said in a slightly creepy tone, holding a stuffed monkey up in the air.</p>
      <p>As Gaz walked in some more, she turned her head to see the TV playing a commercial for Bloaty's of all places. Kids were fooling around with pizza as an ENORMOUS pig-like freak that was ridiculously fat sat there in the center of the picture with small pupils in it's eyes, a purple, dumb-looking hat on it's head, a purple jacket and bow tie.</p>
      <p>"Come to Bloaty's Pizza Hog! We got games! We got Bloaty! We got pizza!" He proclaimed. A pizza chunk hit Bloaty in the face, oozing down it. MMM…cheesy goodness! "What more you askin' for?!"</p>
      <p>Gaz's eyes swirled, the image of Bloaty's face appearing in them as her mouth opened slightly.</p>
      <p>"We LOVES you, Bloaty!" All the kids that were surrounding the fat-costumed man said, hugging him.</p>
      <p>"I love you, kid!" Bloaty groaned out, drooling massively.</p>
      <p>GRRRRUUUUMMMBLLLLEEE…</p>
      <p>Gaz's stomach growled. OH, for some PIZZA! Shaking her head to get out of the trance, she turned to GIR.</p>
      <p>"Okay, GIR…that IS your name, right?"</p>
      <p>"Yep!" GIR said.</p>
      <p>"Where's Dib?" Gaz asked him calmly.</p>
      <p>GIR went into duty mode and tossed the monkey away, hopping off the couch and summoning guns and missile launchers that popped out from his head. He held up a hand, frowning. "None may pass! You are an intruder!" He protested.</p>
      <p><em><strong>"Where-is-Dib?"</strong></em> Gaz demanded.</p>
      <p>GIR went back to normal, the weapons retracting to normal. "He went down there." GIR said, leading her over to the desk. It lifted up and the floor beneath opened up. Stepping onto a hover platform, the two went down a elevator shaft, heading to Zim's lab.</p>
      <p>GIR looked over at Gaz and smiled happily, mouth opened wide. Gaz gave him a look, and he looked away…</p>
      <p>Then he smiled happily at her AGAIN. Gaz growled angrily and he stopped it for good.</p>
      <p>FWOOSH! They touched down at the lab, and Gaz followed GIR to some tube-shaped teleporters, with GIR pointing at the third one.</p>
      <p>"You're SURE they took this one?" Gaz asked.</p>
      <p>GIR nodded. "YES! I mean…" He rubbed his chin. "Wait…" He finally shrugged. "I dunno!"</p>
      <p>"Good enough." Gaz said, shrugging. "Thanks."</p>
      <p>SCHWOOOM! Electric stimulus shot through the teleporter and in an instant she was teleported to an unknown place…</p>
      <p>Though not unknown for long. She looked out the window nearby and saw that she'd been 'ported up to an ENORMOUS crescent-shaped spaceship. "Hmm." She mumbled, looking over the Earth. It actually looked kind of pretty with it's two moons hovering-</p>
      <p>TWO? Woah, Nick must have been slacking off while trying to juggle taking care of DL, taking Kelsey out AND watching over the Earth. She gussed that Zim's latest experiment had gone REALLY wrong and Nick had yet to fix it…</p>
      <p>Soon she heard Zim's annoying, trademark laughter and she headed through a nearby hallway, looking around at the dark blue walls. Eventually she found herself on a platform high above a large room that was overlooking Earth. Zim was behind a large computer console and Dib was floating in what looked sort of like a snow globe filled with purple liquid, bubbles rising up from the bottom.</p>
      <p>"Impressive that you got inside my base, Dib." Zim complimented. "If you hadn't of made the stupid mistake of trying to transmit a message, I may never have caught you." Then Zim read his fists into the air and shook them happily. "<strong>But I DID catch yoooou!</strong> And by the Irken rules of war, you are my prisoner!" He grinned. "You'll do your species the honor of being one of the first to <em>experimented</em> on."</p>
      <p>Gaz crawled atop a thick wire, looking down at Dib and blinking. She placed one finger on her lip and thought about what Zim was planning. "Hmmm... Just one experiment, then I go rescue him!"</p>
      <p>"HA-HA-HA-HA!" Zim laughed. "Now Dib, let's see what you look like with all your organs... <strong>ON THE OUTSIDE</strong>!" He announced, pulling on a lever.</p>
      <p>"OOOOH." Gaz said, eyes wide with interest, mouth forming a perfect "o".</p>
      <p>"On the OUTSIDE! Get it? OUTSIDE?" Zim sniggered.</p>
      <p>Then Gaz tried to imagine what would happen if she tried to bring Dib with all his organs on the OUTSIDE back to Dad.</p>
      <p>
        <em>"Okay Dad! We can go to Bloaty's now!"</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>"No, no, no! We can't go anywhere with him like that! Family night is canceled until his organs are inside him again."</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>"CANCELED?! NOOOOOOOOO!"</em>
      </p>
      <p>She sighed, then shook her head. "Alright…fine. I save him." She mumbled, leaping down and sliding over the containment jar Dib was in. "Come on, Dib, it's time to go." She told him.</p>
      <p>Zim blinked, scratching the side of his head. "What is this!? Is this some kind of a joke!? Dib, you really sunk low if you think your little sister can help you!"</p>
      <p>Gaz looked behind at him, frowning. "What's THAT supposed to mean, you stupid green cockroach?"</p>
      <p>"What I MEAN is that I made that containment chamber myself. I would destroy you right now if I didn't expect to get so much enjoyment from watching you try to get him out, Gazzy!" Zim sniggered.</p>
      <p>Gaz grit her teeth. Her leg jittered, and she KICKED the containment chamber.</p>
      <p>CRACK!</p>
      <p>Standing to the side, Gaz and Zim watched as the glass cracked open and with a WOOSH it broke open, allowing Dib to slide outside.</p>
      <p>"Oh WOW." Zim gasped.</p>
      <p>"Are you not <strong>entertained</strong>?" Gaz sniggered as Zim was washed away by the ensuing tidal wave of liquid.</p>
      <p>"Gaz! You rescued me!" Dib exclaimed, standing up, his body dripping, his face looking VERY surprised.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, yeah, now let's go." Gaz snapped, rolling her eyes.</p>
      <p>"We can't leave <strong>now</strong>! We can stop him once and for all, you and me, as a team! Whaddya you say?" Dib offered.</p>
      <p>Gaz grit her teeth AGAIN.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib had been strapped to a hovering, table-like platform and Gaz was pushing it before her like he was a shopping cart.</p>
      <p>"What are you doing? We can't leave him like this!" Dib protested. "He's vulnerable! We can stop his reign of terror!"</p>
      <p>Gaz looked angrily down at him. "All I want is to have some pizz, hang out with Dad, and not have your weirdness mess up my day!" She snarled.</p>
      <p>"Reign of Terror, Gaz! REIGN OF TERROR!" Dib hollered as Gaz looked around the main room that had the teleporters in it.</p>
      <p>In fact, speaking of said teleporters, Gaz turned to see that Zim was standing atop one of them…and ALL of the wires connected to them were severed. Zim laughed evilly as he looked at her.</p>
      <p>"You can't escape by teleporter, little Gaz. I've cut the power." He crowed. Leaping down, he held his arms behind his back. "Your pitiful rescue attempt is nothing but a PITIFUL FAILURE!" He remarked, clenching his claws before him. He then folded his arms and shook his head. "Stupid, stinking humans!" He commented.</p>
      <p>"Doesn't this station have escape pods?" Gaz asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
      <p>"Of course, they're right over there." Zim said helpfully, pointing to the right. Gaz promptly moved in the direction Zim pointed while Zim kept ranting to himself. "Stupid, STUPID…HMMM!?" He blinked. "Wait a minute!"</p>
      <p>He turned around and saw that they were gone. "AAAAARRRRGGHHH! ACCURSED FEMALE CHARMS!" He wailed as Gaz, with Zim sitting in the seat next to her, activated the triangular-shaped escape pod they were in. There were circular jets on all the "points" of the ship.</p>
      <p>"Come on, Gaz! You'd sacrifice the entire planet just for some <em>pizza</em>!?" Dib saked.</p>
      <p>"Look, <strong>you</strong> got to pick what we ate last time and now it's <strong>MY </strong>turn!" Gaz whined.</p>
      <p>"Why can't you just go tomorrow!?" Dib asked angrily.</p>
      <p>Gaz wheeled back at him. "You JUST DON'T GET IT, do you?!" She snapped. "Dad won't LET us go on any other day. It's tonight or NEVER! Now SHUT up, sit back, and buckle up for safety, motherf-"</p>
      <p>SCHAWHOOOM! The pod undocked and shot out of the station…but Zim was right behind in an escape pod of his own.</p>
      <p>"You'd try to outrun me in one of my own ships?" He snarled. "I don't THINK so." The Irken sniggered. A joystick emerged from the control panel of his escape pod and a gun turret appeared at the front of his pod. Eyes narrowing, Zim pressed the button atop the joystick and the gun turret blasted at Gaz as she soared across the surface of the moon.</p>
      <p>SHUDDA-SHUDDA-SHUDDA!</p>
      <p>She kept dodging over and over, her piloting skills were VERY good…better than Zim's, that was for sure. Then Zim's shot hit a chunk off the moon and it bounced up and crushed his laser turret. Wailing angrily, Zim ripped the joystick off while Gaz pressed a few buttons on the control panel.</p>
      <p>"Here we go…communication!" She remarked, turning it on. BEEP! Her dad appeared. "Dad, it's me!" She announced.</p>
      <p>"Ah, good, did you find your brother?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"Yeah. I'm going to meat you at Bloaty's, okay?" She said, nodding.</p>
      <p>BANG! Zim rammed into their escape pod. Gaz frowned and looked to the right slightly. "Gotta go, dad…Dib's little "friend" is BUGGING me!"</p>
      <p>BEEP! She turned the communication off.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim was fiddling around with the control panel to make a new gun appear that quickly replaced the busted gun turret. "Do-do-da-doo-doo…doo-doo-da-doo, da-doo, da-doo!" He hummed. Then he blinked. "Wow, now wonder GIR sings it so often, it's CATCHY!"</p>
      <p>SCHOOMP!</p>
      <p>Zim launched his grappling hook and it struck their ship, tugging it towards his ship…BA-BAM! The two now collided FORCIBLY and Zim laughed. She was STUCK to his ship and all he had to do was fly them back so he could begin his experiments again! "Too easy..." He whispered.</p>
      <p>"Hold onto something." Gaz informed Dib.</p>
      <p>"I CAN'T." Dib protested.</p>
      <p>"Sucks to be you." She remarked.</p>
      <p>"How can you pilot this thing?" Dib asked. "You've never BEEN in this sort of thing before?"</p>
      <p>"How does the sun set?" Gaz retorted, shrugging. "I just KNOW."</p>
      <p>Gaz then pounded on a bright blue button and her escape pod's thrusters activated as the ships began to enter the atmosphere, burning brightly. She quickly maneuvered the ship and forced Zim's ship to fly over HERS…</p>
      <p>KA-THWAM! Then the two cockpits slammed together, and an upside-down Zim faced Gaz, who waved at Zim. "Hello." She said simply, grinning a little.</p>
      <p>"…<em>auuuhhhh</em>…" Zim gaped.</p>
      <p>WOOP! She broke away from the ship, flying off as Zim's ship was sent spinning rapidly around. Soon he re-righted it, giggling as he tried to compose his sweating, nervous body and grinning stupidly for a moment.</p>
      <p>"<em>She WAVED at me and SMILED…" </em>He thought to himself.</p>
      <p>Gaz's ship had hit a satellite and was spiraling down towards the city. Dib desperately tried to keep his lunch down as Gaz grit her teeth. "Alrihgt, this is gonna be rough!" She announced as her brother began to turn green in the face.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>At "Bloaty's Pizza Hog", the man in the Bloaty suit squeezed into his room and closed the door, hacking and ocuhing as he unzipped his costume to reveal on the INSIDE he was even FATTER than his costume, so fat that he had a TRIPLE chin. He let out a long moan. "I eat too many pizza."</p>
      <p>Lumbering over to a couch, the balding man sat down…or rather, PLUNKED down, almost BURYING the couch in the ground and falling asleep…</p>
      <p>At that moment Gaz's escape pod burst through the wall and SLID into his side, but he was so FAT that it BOUNDED off and hit the wall again. The cockpit opened and Gaz hopped out, taking the still-tied-to-a-hovering-platform Dib out of the room despite his protests. "Please, Gaz! Listen to reason! He's still out there! He'll be back! He's gonna-"</p>
      <p>SLAM. The door closed. "Fatty" mumbled in his sleep. "No…more…pizzaaaaa…"</p>
      <p>SOON…</p>
      <p>Kids were playing in the ball pit, fooling around at the arcade, doing whack-a-mole games and playing pool. One kid was playing "Zap 'Em", an interesting arcade game that</p>
      <p>BRZZZ!</p>
      <p>…woah. He just got dematerialized! His companion began laughing as his digitized form whacked against the screen from inside the game. "Lemme out!"</p>
      <p>"I don't think so! Prepare to be beaten at…" The kid held up a quarter and slipped it into the machine, choosing a new game. "PRIMAL FIGHTER!"</p>
      <p>"AAA!"</p>
      <p>In the restaurant area, animatronic mascots were everywhere, such as "Ms. Manatee", "Sgt. Squid", "Moose of Doom"…</p>
      <p>And Gaz, Dib and Prof. Membrane were at a booth. A waiter delivered a large pepperoni pizza to their table…with Dib STILL strapped to the platform, sitting by the window, their dad sititng across from him and Gaz. "Make sure that you keep a close eye on the pressure and I'll be back in the lab in about an hour." Prof. Membrane told his assistant through a holo-vid screen he'd brought.</p>
      <p>DL was sitting with Nick and Kelsey, happily beaming as he sniffed the delicious smell of the pizza slice on a plate below. "Mmm…pizzaaaaaaa in the mornin', pizza in the evenin', pizza at suppertiiiiime!" He sang out.</p>
      <p>Nick and Kelsey, however, were feasting on each other's face. Not literally, though. But they were sucking so much face that their new nicknames could be "Hoover-Ho" and "Power Vacuum".</p>
      <p>"I'm so glad I have you to keep me good." Nick said, taking a break to look deep into Kelsey's eyes before he went back to kissing her. "Diff worlds prrdy cynicr and nastuh…you eep id frohm poysonin my spihid!"</p>
      <p>"So, is there a…MRS…White…you have to go home to?" A blond girl asked White.</p>
      <p>"Nah, unfortunately not." He admitted. "Though…I'd like you to go home with me right NOW." He inquired.</p>
      <p>"Okaaaaay. And then, tomorrow…you and me…on the beach…"</p>
      <p>"Aw, no, I can't do beaches. Bad for my skin." White apologized.</p>
      <p>"Loser." She mumbled, walking away.</p>
      <p>White held his hand up. "WAIT! C'mon, I'm an ALBINO, this is <strong>serious</strong>!...awwwwwww…" He hung his head. "I really WANNA go the beach…"</p>
      <p>"I had him! I had him Gaz!" Dib protested.</p>
      <p>Gaz moaned. "<em>Yeah, yeah</em>…"</p>
      <p>"If you hadn't rescued me I would've-"</p>
      <p>The bell to the front door rang and a smoking Zim walked in, adjusting his toupee. He noticed Gaz, then Dib, and his eyes narrowed. "HMMMM."</p>
      <p>"There he is! Gaz, un-strap me!"</p>
      <p>Dib struggled uselessly to break free as Zim leapt through the air, landing on the table across from them. "Now Dib…" He grinned. "We finish this once and for-"</p>
      <p>WOOSH! A mechanical Bloaty the Pig with a wobbling head-on-a-spring zoomed over. "Doo dee-doo-dee-doo!" It repeated over and over.</p>
      <p>Zim gasped in horror, crawling back and sweating. The other animatronic animals all poped up, surrounding him as he gasped in horror as they bobbed up and down, up and down, hearing the children in the restaurant sing the "Bloaty's Pizza Hog" theme song over and over, becoming a demonic chant in his head.</p>
      <p>"What form of Earth monsters are these!?" He murmured.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>BLOATY'S PIZZA HOG! BLOATY'S PIZZA HOG! BLOATY'S PIZZA HOG! BLOATY'S-</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>"AAAAAA!" Zim screamed, rushing out the door in utter terror.</p>
      <p>"There, see, you <em>won</em>." Gaz said gently, now in one of her rare, VERY good moods. "Eat your pizza."</p>
      <p>Dib struggled to break out of the table he'd been strapped into.</p>
      <p><em>"…I can't."</em> He squeaked out.</p>
      <p>PLORK! She promptly tossed slice of pizza into his mouth and it splatted against his face. Catching the tip end, he chewed eagerly on THAT as pepperoni slid down his cheeks. TECHNICALLY this WAS a victory.</p>
      <p>…and hey, this pizza was actually pretty dang good. :)</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Review in the name of Bloaty's Pizza Hog!</strong>
      </p>
    </div>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Door to Door</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>Who can take a sunriiiiise! Sprinkle it with dewwww? Cover it with chocolate and a miracle too! The candymaaaan! The candyman can!<br/></em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>DOOR TO DOOR</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Nick held his hand aloft at President Man's latest press conference as cameras flashed and took pictures. "Ooh, ooh!" He shouted, waving it around.</p>
      <p>"Yes, you!" President Man asked.</p>
      <p>"Sir, you argue that a fence should be constructed along the WHOLE US-Mexican border to stop illegal immigrants?" Nick asked.</p>
      <p>"Indeed." President Man said, nodding.</p>
      <p>"Well what would happen if one of them tried to climb over?" Nick asked, tilting his head to the side.</p>
      <p>"We'll electrify it. Then they won't touch it." President Man said, shrugging.</p>
      <p>"But what if they DO touch it?" Nick asked.</p>
      <p>"That's their choice." President Man remarked. He obviously didn't care if they died.</p>
      <p>"What if a mother with a baby strapped to her back tries climbing?" Nick wanted to know.</p>
      <p>"It would be the mother's choice to kill the child then." President Man said simply.</p>
      <p>NOW he had the bee-tard! "So you're in favor of <strong>abortion</strong>!" Nick remarked happily.</p>
      <p>Dead silence all through the room as President Man's face fell.</p>
      <p>"…<em>er</em>…"</p>
      <p>THE NEXT DAY…IN SCHOOL…</p>
      <p>Ms. Bitters was discussing "Civics". Mongo Slunchy was hanging from the ceiling, suspended by a rope that was tied around his waist. He was hovering atop a building made of playing cards that were atop Dib's desk.</p>
      <p>"There, add a card to represent the overworked educational system!" Ms. Bitters ordered. He did so. "NOW add the dead weight of students like YOU." She added.</p>
      <p>Well, he placed a stack of playing cards atop this house of cards.</p>
      <p>"So, you can see, children, that our whole society's nothing more than a perilous house of cards." Ms. Bitters told them.</p>
      <p>FWOMP. They fell apart on Dib's desk. "The whole system's destined to collapse under its own weight! And all you "optimists" will get the "honor" of being the first to be laughed at."</p>
      <p><strong><em>"You old crone! I'll be GIGGLING at your funeral in less than a year!"</em></strong> Nick shouted from down the hall. Ms. Bitters promptly frowned.</p>
      <p>KRA-CRACK! Dib's desk broke apart. Ms. Bitters frowned AGAIN. "DIB! The warranty on your desk has worn out. Get a replacement from the pile."</p>
      <p>"Yes, ma'am." Dib sighed. He got out of his chair, heading towards a huge pile of assorted garbage at the back of the class. But none of the OTHER classmates had desks either, they had stuff like logs, tires, crates, a PIG…</p>
      <p>"Well children... As you know, the desk budget for this year has run out, but the school board has given you a chance to lessen your misery!" She told them as Dib replaced his desk with a trashcan. A rat jumped out of it and clung to his face, squealing.</p>
      <p>"GET OFF ME!" Dib shouted, grabbing it's tail and firing it out the window.</p>
      <p>"LIGHTS!" Ms. Bitters snapped. The lights all went out and the chalk board opened up to reveal a view screen behind it. 1…2…3…BOOP! Now it showed the image of some guy in a dog mask with a clown costume holding up a can of Poop soda. That man was standing in a vandalized alley with various graffiti on the walls and had golden bling around his neck that read "Pain Poop". For a moment the camera accidentally zoomed back so you could see the studio the whole film was being filmed in. Chucking the can of Poop he'd been holding, he crossed his arms and faced the camera as rap music began playing.</p>
      <p>"Word up, kids! This is Poop Dawg! The Poop Cola gangsta clown with a little fund raiser! Do you wanna go magnet with da monies?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Hoggo McStink blinked. "Whuzzat mean?"</p>
      <p>"HMMM…MONEY?" Melvin asked.</p>
      <p>Poop Dawg lifted up a box that was labeled "Poop Cola Candy".</p>
      <p>"If you wanna be a real gold digger, then jack this box of Poop Cola Candy! It's the great taste of Poop Cola wrapped in a layer of chocolate madness!" Poop Dawg told them. "Every bar you sell earns money for your skool, but what's in it for you? Prizes, prizes, pra-zises!"</p>
      <p>With each mention of the word "prizes" little registers went off in the student's heads.</p>
      <p>"Sell 100 bars and you win a-"</p>
      <p>Then a dubbed-over voice spoke up.</p>
      <p>"Box of adhesive medical strips."</p>
      <p>Zim frowned in a questioning manner. MEDICAL STRIPS?! Did he mean BAND-AIDS? Who cares about-"</p>
      <p>"Sell 1,000 you win a crash helmet!" Poop Dawg said, holding up a helmet.</p>
      <p>"OOOOH!" Said all the students.</p>
      <p>"Sell 10,000 you win an electro scooter!" Poop Dawg went on, holding up said scooter as it gleamed.</p>
      <p>"AHHHHH…" The students gasped.</p>
      <p>"At 500,000, ya get a hover craft…"</p>
      <p>"WOW!"</p>
      <p>"Piggity-piggity-PLUS the helmet, plus a box of-"</p>
      <p>That dubbed over voice repeated itself. "Adhesive medical strips".</p>
      <p>"WOAH! WOW! COOOOOL!" All of the kids began to say, chattering amongst themselves.</p>
      <p>Zim, however, rolled his eyes and looked away. "Pfft. Garbage! That hover craft is a joke of engineering and that helmet would never protect your brain from lasers!"</p>
      <p>"What about the scooter?" Keef asked.</p>
      <p>"…I don't NEED a scooter." Zim remarked coldly.</p>
      <p>Poop Dawg went on, stretching out his arms. "And if you all think you's all something wit da top sellies, and, wit…"</p>
      <p>He lowered his head, groaning. "I can't do this sh-"</p>
      <p>"CUT!" A director yelled.</p>
      <p>SCHA-WHOOP! The film stopped and started again at a fresh take as Poop Dawg went on. "The top prize is something your bu- bu- bu- brain won't believe!"</p>
      <p>Zim "pffted" again. "<em>Nonsense</em>."</p>
      <p>"It's so amazing, it's a secret!" Poop Dawg said.</p>
      <p>BOING! Eyes popping, Zim ran to the front of the class and up onto Ms. Bitters desk the moment that word left Poop Dawg's lips. "Secret!?" He gasped out, pointing accusingly at the screen. "What are you hiding, dog man!? Tell me! Tell me!"</p>
      <p>"Good luck my fellow Poop slices!" Poop Dawg wished them. "Keep it REEEELZ!"</p>
      <p>Then the video cut to the image of a man choking. "Warning, candy made entirely of sawdust."</p>
      <p>Zim blinked, reeling back slightly. "<strong>Secret</strong>? Yes of course, but what could it be? What!? What!? I must posses this secret prize!" He swore, clenching his fists.</p>
      <p>Then he noticed Ms. Bitters was wrapped around him, growling angrily and DROOLING too. He gulped and nervously shrunk down slightly.</p>
      <p>"Ms. Bitters, why don't they take the money they spent on candy and prizes and use it to buy desks?" Dib asked as Ms. Bitters held Zim up in the air by his shirt collar, making him squirm uselessly. He was goin' in the leopard cage for the rest of the school day!</p>
      <p>"That answer wasn't in the video." She remarked.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…ah. The sun was rising as morning found the residential area of the city. Cars drove idly by, cats licked themselves, old people planted flowers in their garden, Frank Conniff, who had been brought back to life by the long-suffering Nick, was drinking a cup of coffee, looking up at the sunrise and smiling.</p>
      <p>"Ah, a glorious day." He remarked. He lifted his cup to his next door neighbor, who was watering the lawn with his garden hose and the two smiled, with his neighbor waving back. "Mornin', Frank!"</p>
      <p>Nick was speaking with White as he biked alongside White, who was "riding dirty" in his car. "So Kelsey thinks that a boyfriend and girlfriend shouldn't trust each other. I don't get it."</p>
      <p>"Well, you know what they say…lying is the natural form of communication between couples." White laughed. He saw Nick wasn't laughing and rolled his eyes. "Right. You're ridiculously honest. Of course. Well you could just-what's with that look?"</p>
      <p>Nick's eyes had gone wide with horror. "Do you hear that dramatic music?"</p>
      <p>"…oh NO…" White gasped, eyes widening as well.</p>
      <p>Arms loaded with poop candy…running all as one…coming closer…CLOSER…</p>
      <p>"So…" Principal Prickley adjusted his tie, trying to get a nice young lovely's phone number. "What's your…wait…" He stiffened. "Do you feel that?"</p>
      <p>The young woman nodded. "Yes, I…I DO…is the ground shaking?"</p>
      <p>Their necks cricked as they turned around, and their eyes widened at the sight. They gasped…</p>
      <p>"FUNDRAISING CHILDREEEEEEEEEN!" Prickley screamed.</p>
      <p>"AAAAAA!"</p>
      <p>"HEAD FOR THE HIIIIILLS!"</p>
      <p>It was CARNAGE. Lasers blasted through the sky. People drove off as fast as they could but were too late, here they came! Diving into your pockets!</p>
      <p>"Pleasure doing business with you, sir!"</p>
      <p>"NOOOOO!"</p>
      <p>Kicking down the doors!</p>
      <p>KNOCK-KNOCK!</p>
      <p>"WE DON'T WANT ANY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE DON'T WANT ANY!"</p>
      <p>Hide your lawn mowers! Hide your hoses! Hide yourselves! SAVE YOURSELVES!</p>
      <p>"PHEW." White said, breathing a sigh of relief as he pulled his car into his now-closed garage. "I LOST 'em."</p>
      <p>Gaz popped up in the backseat, smirking.</p>
      <p>"Helloooooo."</p>
      <p>White's eyes bugged out.</p>
      <p>(Camera pans to just outside the garage's closed door.)</p>
      <p>"…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim and GIR, both disguised, were walking down the sidewalk. GIR balanced a box of Poop Cola candy on his head, wearing a t-shirt and a big fake human head made out of papier-mâché while Zim carried a smaller box and told GIR about his day.</p>
      <p>And TOLD him. And TOLD him. He'd been telling him the same story over and over!</p>
      <p>"Then that horrible man-dog hybrid taunted us by not revealing the secret prize!" Zim complained. "It must be something of unimaginable power, GIR!"</p>
      <p>They walked by Dib, who was leaning against a lamp post, sipping Poop cola from a juice container and sweating because it was hot out. He noticed Zim and GIR and grinned, calling out.</p>
      <p>"Hey Zim! I sold a whole box at my dad's lab! Beat that!" He boasted.</p>
      <p>Zim turned his head, frowning. "So, you're trying to beat me to the prize, is that it?"</p>
      <p>He pulled out a bar and examined it. "Just more proof of its strategic value."</p>
      <p>Dib ran up to him, snatching it from his hands and smirking. "The only reason I'm selling this <em><strong>dirt in a wrapper</strong></em> is to watch you fail at something else, Zim!" Dib told him in a cruel tone, laughing.</p>
      <p>Zim glanced sadly down at the candy bars as Dib sipped his drink, then whacked the bottom of the box that Zim was carrying and made all the candy bars fly out. THEN, to add insult to injury, he squired the drink from his container in Zim's face and walked away, laughing to himself…but NOT before he laughed at GIR's ridiculous disguise.</p>
      <p>Kneeling down to pick up the candy bars that were on the ground, Zim frowned angrily. "HMPH. DIB! I can sell these horrible candies better than any human!" He mumbled "Just he watch and wait!"</p>
      <p>"Why iiiiis his head so big!? Whyyyyy's his head so big!?" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>"MY HEAD IS NOT BIIIIIIIG!" Dib screamed from down the street.</p>
      <p>Zim rolled his eyes. "Just follow my lead, GIR."</p>
      <p>Heading to the front door of a nearby house, Zim knocked on the door. The old woman who OWNED the house peeked through the peep hole of the door as Zim held a bar of Poop Cola Candy into view.</p>
      <p>"Better get mah baseball bat." She said, grabbing a nearby baseball bat and opening up the inner screen door, holding the baseball bat behind her back with one hand.</p>
      <p>"Please ma'am, if you don't buy my candy, my little brother will go insane." Zim lied convincingly, gesturing at GIR, who was break-dancing on top of his box of Poop Cola candy. The old lady stepped outside and watched as GIR then got on his head and started to spin his body around wildly until-</p>
      <p>POP! WOOSH! GIR's body separated from his head, flying up into the sky. The old woman screamed in horror. "Oh good HEAVENS, he's worse than I thought! Please, of course I'll buy some candy!" She insisted, reaching into her pocket and giving Zim some money in exchange for a candy bar. Then she actually TASTED it.</p>
      <p>"…hmm….MMM!"</p>
      <p>So far so-</p>
      <p>"HAAAACK!"</p>
      <p>Okay, scratch that. She had put most of the candy bar into her mouth but was now hacking madly. She began coughing up sawdust like mad, now on her hands and knees.</p>
      <p>"Mmm-hmm, that's the sawdust!" Zim said cheerfully as she began hacking out an ENORMOUS pile of sawdust onto the ground.</p>
      <p>GIR's body fell back to Earth, then began to wriggle it's arms and legs before sitting up as the "Psycho" theme music began to play. Gasping in horror, the woman raced back inside and slammed the door as GIR tried to bang on it.</p>
      <p>Zim sighed, looking at the dollar she'd given him in exchange for the candy.</p>
      <p>"Hmmm, she only bought one of these horrible things! You'll just have to try harder, GIR!" He admonished GIR, picking up his body and dropping it in a nearby wheel barrow. He then picked up the other box of Poop Cola candy, complete with GIR'S head, and put THAT in the wheel barrow as the nearby bushes suddenly were set aflame.</p>
      <p>WOAH. It was a scorcher today!</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "BAM! Lookit that bacon sizzle!" GIR said, cooking up bacon and eggs on the sidewalk. They were frying right before his eyes because it was so hot out. Zim had gone to another house and was now trying to get a woman to buy his candy, and hopefully she WOULD, once she stopped fanning herself with her own child. She gasped at the sight of the candy bar and dropped the kid, who grabbed the door and slammed it shut.</p>
      <p>TWHOMP!</p>
      <p>Zim frowned. What the heck had just-</p>
      <p>He turned his head and saw…the Spooky Chihuahua! It looked from Zim, then to GIR, then opened it's mouth and an egg popped out.</p>
      <p>Zim and GIR, who were now both holding boxes of candy looked at each other, then tossed the boxes of candy into the air as the egg began to crack and ran SCREAMING out of the neighborhood!</p>
      <p>"RUN, MASTAH! USE YOUR SKINNY LIDDLE LEGS!"</p>
      <p>"I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAAAAAN!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…while they may have been able to avoid a nasty dog, they COULDN'T avoid what seemed to be certain defeat. Over and over again Zim's efforts to get people to buy his snacks proved futile. While GIR fooled around and made grass angels in the lawns, Zim failed to get another neighbor to buy a snack. ANOTHER man actually turned his hose on Zim, but luckily Zim pretty much covered himself in paste 24/7.</p>
      <p>Nobody…NOBODY…Would buy any more candy. And the day was getting hotter and hotter.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…soon Zim sat on the curb, with GIR shoveling candy into his mouth. Occasionally he began coughing and had to take some breaths before he continued to snack away at what they were supposed to be selling.</p>
      <p>"I don't <em><strong>understand</strong></em>! Today has been a horrible failure!" Zim sighed, head held in his hands. He looked up and frowned at what his robot was doing. "GIR! Don't eat that filth!" He instructed, grabbing one of the candy bars and holding it up. "We have to sell it! It is the key to the mystery of the prize!"</p>
      <p>"The mystery of the prize..." GIR repeated, as liquid poop candy poured from his mouth.</p>
      <p>Zim held the candy bar up, then lowered it, looking back into the sun. He groaned in misery. "This miserable Earth sun!" He moaned out, thinking back to his old days in Training when he'd been assigned to go to different "safe" planets that Irkens could freely train on. "Even Sirus Minor didn't orbit such a horrible star!" His tongue lagged out of his mouth as he sweated. "So HOT!"</p>
      <p>Then things got WEIRD. The sky began to darken and turn blood red…the lamp poles curled, the buildings got bigger…</p>
      <p>You see, what Zim didn't know was that under intense heat like the kind he was experiencing now, his Irken mind would begin to hallucinate. Irkens would see VERY odd things…act VERY strangely…HEAR and SEE things that weren't there…</p>
      <p>And their minds could be VERY easily bent in this state, though Zim didn't know this yet. He groaned as his eyes turned slightly yellow and a figure bent down near his ear.</p>
      <p>"You will smile at me whenever you hear my voice and think happy thoughts…"</p>
      <p>"I will smile whenever I hear your voice and I will think happy thoughts…happy thoughts…" Zim repeated.</p>
      <p>She grinned, slinking back. "Happy thouuuughts…"</p>
      <p>"Happy thouuughts…happy thoughts…" Zim mumbled.</p>
      <p>"Priiiiize." GIR repeated.</p>
      <p>"…priiiize…priiiiiiiiiiize…" Zim moaned. "That…that priiiiize…"</p>
      <p>"ZIIIIIM! ZIIIIIIIM!"</p>
      <p>Zim gaped at the specter that was floating down the street towards him, clad in a cloaked, dark-grey hood. "Eh?"</p>
      <p>"I have cooooome for you!" The cloaked being spoke.</p>
      <p>"What's this? Who are you!?"</p>
      <p>"I am-" The specter came closer, arms raised.</p>
      <p>"Who are you?!" Zim asked again, pointing at him and making him stop.</p>
      <p>The specter raised his arms AGAIN and came forward some more. "I am-"</p>
      <p>"WHO ARE YOU?!" Zim shouted once more.</p>
      <p>The specter took his hood down to reveal…</p>
      <p>"I am Poop Dawg! The gangsta specter of defeat, in effect! And you will never win the mystery prize, FOOL!" He laughed at Zim.</p>
      <p>Zim tugged on his robes. "What is this miraculous prize thing!?"</p>
      <p>"I aint tellin', yo!" Poop Dawg told him confidently.</p>
      <p>Zim climbed up his robes, now BEGGING. "Does it defy the laws of time and space? Can it alter the minds of sentient beings!? Is it the key to controlling all mankind? What IS IT?!"</p>
      <p>Poop Dawg flung Zim off, and the alien hit a fence that had been behind him, falling to the ground.</p>
      <p>"The prize will never be yours, Zim! <strong>So say the gangsta specter of defeat!</strong>" Poop Dawg forewarned him.</p>
      <p>Zim clenched his fist. "I will not give up... Poop Dawg! <em>NEVER!</em>"</p>
      <p>Poop Dawg just laughed and laughed and-</p>
      <p>Well that did it. Zim was ANGRY. He grabbed ahold of GIR and in one fluid motion spun around and CHUCKED it at the specter…and it went right through his robe and…</p>
      <p>The specter of defeat faded away to reveal that Zim had flung GIR at DIB, who was grabbing his stomach, GIR lying to his side.</p>
      <p>"Geez, Zim! I haven't even really DONE anything to you yet!" He groaned, as GIR made squeaky little noises, walking over to Zim.</p>
      <p>"Get out of here Gangsta of defeat! Be gone with you!" Zim hissed. He was STILL hallucinating.</p>
      <p>Dib brushed himself off, shaking his head. "Man, Zim! Defeat's made you crazy!"</p>
      <p>Zim made the "shoo-shoo" motions with his hands and Dib walked off, and with THAT the mirage ended. Zim blinked as he watched Dib head off, dragging an empty "Poop Candy" box behind him. His eyes went wide as something clicked within his head.</p>
      <p>"Of course! That has been my mistake all along!" He realized.</p>
      <p>GIR began to slowly eat another candy bar as Zim rubbed his chin. "I've been trying to sell like a miserable HUMAN…" He turned on GIR. "GIR!"</p>
      <p>GIR spat the candy out and it knocked off of Zim's face as he went into duty mode, saluting. "Yes, milord!"</p>
      <p>"I will use inferior fund raising techniques no longer!" He told GIR.</p>
      <p>GIR blinked, returning to normal as he pulled off the disguise he'd been wearing. A balloon with a one-eyed Irken symbol began to inflate from his antenna…where did he GET that thing?</p>
      <p>Zim smirked evilly and rubbed his hands together. "Now watch as I unleash the full power of Irken persuasion!" And with that, he yoinked the balloon off of GIR's head.</p>
      <p>"YAAAAY! I'm gonna be SICK!" GIR said, hugging Zim and vomiting chocolate onto him.</p>
      <p>"…after this I'm taking at <strong>least</strong> three weeks off from eating chocolate." Zim mumbled, wiping it off as best he could.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the Grout family lived in a LOUSY house. Grey walls, lousy furniture…all of it fit their nature though. They were uglier than caveman and just as smart. The mister and missus were watching a monster truck rally while two kids in the corner were shoving large amounts of Vienna wieners…and the occasional roach, because they weren't looking…into their mouths. For those of you who don't know what Vienna wieners are, I'll give you their more common name: little cocktail weenies. The kids were in a HUGE pile of them.</p>
      <p>BANG! Zim kicked the door open, standing in the doorway and holding a briefcase in one hand and a candy bar in the other.</p>
      <p>"Human residents! I've come selling candy!" He announced.</p>
      <p>Mr. Grout looked away from the "Acne Blast" ad that was now playing. "Huh?"</p>
      <p>Zim stood in front of the TV. "I'm selling candy for your local school, and you will <strong>buy</strong> some." He told them in a "and that's the way it's going to be" tone. He tossed a candy bar to the couple and Ms. Grout caught it as GIR walked into the room, candy box on head…</p>
      <p>PLOP. Okay, now on floor. Zim set the briefcase atop the TV and the top of the case slid open to reveal some odd devices...they looked like eye covers, almost…</p>
      <p>"We don't want any government candy!" The mister said.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, we don't want none of your government candy!" The missus agreed.</p>
      <p>"Yes you DO." Zim insisted. He lifted a remote up, pressing a button and VOOM! The other two devices, the eye-cover-like things, flew around the room and attached themselves to the family member's heads, expanding over them to form the EXACT same kind of helmet that Zim had in his PAK, save for the lack of telescoping eyes.</p>
      <p>"Now, see a world in which you do not buy my delicious treats!" Zim told them, pressing a button on his remote. PING! A red knob on each of the helmets lit up, and the Earth was being horribly invaded by none other than the Irken Armada! The Statue of Liberty was sinking! The Twin Towers were on fire again! Irkens stood amongst the rubble of civilization, looking smug as people were yoinked off the streets and thrown into cages.</p>
      <p>"All that you know and love lies in ruins!" Zim told them. Mr. Grout got on his knees and vainly tried to cover his eyes, gasping in horror.</p>
      <p>"It's…HORRIBLE!" He screamed.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, ain't it?" GIR asked cheerfully.</p>
      <p>The school building…ruined. GIR, for some reason, was in the virtual reality illusion they were witnessing, holding the balloon from before as he sat atop some debri. In the center of the ruined school, a little blond girl with ponytails sat on a few desks, holding onto a doll.</p>
      <p>"I just wanted a skool desk of my own!"</p>
      <p>And then a flaming head beast with multiple arms popped into the picture and grabbed her dolly, eating it. "BWAAAAINS!" It cried out. For some disgustingly disturbing reason that we will not explore, it was wearing a dark grey thong which it stuffed the girl into.</p>
      <p>…<em>okay, seriously Zim, WHY THE THONG?!</em></p>
      <p>Zim ignored this. "This horrible tragedy can be prevented if, and only if, you surrender your money to me, and BUY MY CANDY!"</p>
      <p>"Pweeeease? For the childwen!" The mutant asked.</p>
      <p>"WE'LL BUY YOUR CANDY! WE'LL BUY YOUR CANDY!" Mr. Grout sobbed, grabbing all the candy bars that he saw on the ground.</p>
      <p>"Just stop this horrifying future from ever happening!"</p>
      <p>Zim grinned to himself and punched the air.</p>
      <p>"Yes! Witness my victory, Poop beast!" He bragged as he saw Poop Dawg, Gangsta Specter of Defeat outside the window. He laughed and laughed and laughed…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the tables had turned. ZIM was now the one doing the hose-spraying while a neighbor was forced to watch mutants in thongs. The woman with the baby he'd visited before was VERY eager to prevent a thong-filled future too, and Zim laughed as he held onto her baby for her…</p>
      <p>Apparently the kid didn't like that attitude, and he tugged on Zim's tongue. "OW!"</p>
      <p>Zim was tempted to drop the kid, but he knew better. Karma would come back. HARD.</p>
      <p>Even the old woman from before had bought more candy! An entire TRUCK of Poop Cola Candy! And best of all, he'd had a brainstorm and had decided to force other STUDENTS to wear the helmet. Soon all of the children in Ms. Bitters class were selling for HIM, save for Dib, who had no idea what Zim was up to since he'd headed home early, satisfied with his performance for the day.</p>
      <p>Zim smiled to himself, flipping through the large wads of cash he had. So much money…soon the mystery prize would be ALL HIS…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>"Well, congratulations to DL, who got a crash helmet." Nick said, holding up the crash helmet and walking over to DL, giving it to him. DL smiled and put it on backwards, not realizing he'd done so until people started to giggle.</p>
      <p>"And Gaz…" Nick tugged down on a cord and an electro scooter popped down next to Gaz, who snatched it and smirked. Victory was sweet.</p>
      <p>"Sadly, the rest of you had to be excluded, due to the fact you used cheap tactics." Nick remarked. "Such as bribery, blackmail and MURDER!"</p>
      <p>"AAAA!" The class screamed.</p>
      <p>"Sorry. I meant to say "operating lasers in a restricted public area." Nick intoned. "So I'm afraid this means a fry up the nose for all of you."</p>
      <p>Nick whistled and the rest of the class lined up in front of Nick's desk as Nick took out several bags of fries. One student walked up first.</p>
      <p>"Now then…curly, steak or regular?" He inquired.</p>
      <p>In the classroom of Ms. Bitters, things were just as depressing. A jar sat on Ms. Bitters' desk with a few dollars and coins in it and a stack of coins on her desk. The kids of her class had not done well.</p>
      <p>"Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all receive phone calls instructing them to love you less now." Ms. Bitters told them.</p>
      <p>All of the students lowered their heads. "Awwww…" They moaned.</p>
      <p>Ms. Bitters went on, approaching Dib. "Ms. Bitters: But, in a shocking display of skool spirit, Dib has come in first for your class by selling 100 candy bars."</p>
      <p>Dib grinned. The money had been used to buy everyone new desks. He felt good about this. Everyone benefited from him beating Zim…in more ways than they knew! But one day they'd know. Oh yes, one day they'd see. THEY'D ALL SEE!</p>
      <p>"Congratulations, you win…"She held up a box of "Bacon-Scented Boo-Boos" to Dib and spoke in the dubbed-over voice. "Adhesive medical strips."</p>
      <p>"First place! Take that, space boy!" Dib cheered. Then he actually LOOKED at Zim's desk. "Hey…where IS Zim?"</p>
      <p>Then everything began to shake. Everyone gasped as the door to the classroom BULGED and suddenly…</p>
      <p>WOOOOOOSH! A TIDAL WAVE of cash POURED into the classroom, and all of the student's eyes went wide as Zim's head popped out of the cash pile, a fistful of money in each hand. He let go of the cash and stood up, dusting himself off. Dib, naturally, was SPEECHLESS.</p>
      <p>"I am here, Dib worm, and I have sold over 1.2 million revolting candy units!" He informed Dib, heading over to Ms. Bitters, who had a package hidden behind her back. "I am prepared to receive the power of the mystery prize!" He told her proudly. "GIVE TO ZIM!" He asked, holding out his hand and grinning happily.</p>
      <p>"Well, this has never happened before." She said, holding the small, thin package of the mystery prize in front of her. On the bright side, this meant that the teachers would finally get PAID on payday.</p>
      <p>…what are you looking at? I told you before, people…they sure as heck weren't in teaching for the money!</p>
      <p>She opened up the package. "Zim, your prize is…" Zim eagerly grinned as she examined a slip of paper that was within the package.</p>
      <p>"…your prize is nothing." She told him.</p>
      <p>BOINK! The bug's eyes bugged out.</p>
      <p>"There is no mystery prize! They just made it up to make kids work harder for no money." She told him.</p>
      <p>"Eh?" Zim gaped, one eye twitching.</p>
      <p>"Well, as a consolation, here's some tuna." She said, giving him her lunch.</p>
      <p>Zim held the can of tuna in the air, then clenched his other fist. "RRRR…Curse you Poop Dawg! Curse yoooou!" He roared.</p>
      <p>And with THAT, an ENORMOUS shockwave of dark energy shot out from Zim's feet, rippling through the class and making Dib's, Sara's, Aki's, Rob's, Melvin's, Zita's and Mathew P. Mather III's desks fall over as Chunk shot up into the ceiling and Tae's desk was set on fire.</p>
      <p>"Well THAT's never happened before either." Ms. Bitters added.</p>
      <p>Somewhere far, far away, Poop Dawg, Gangsta Specter of Defeat, was laughing…</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Hoped you liked that. I know I sure did! Remember, I REALLY like seeing reviews. Even anonymous ones if you're nervous about using your real name.</strong>
      </p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. FBI Warning of Doom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I always feel like...somebody's watchin' meeeee!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>FBI WARNING OF DOOM</strong>
</p>
<p>"And THIS…is a phone." Nick said, placing the telephone down on a table for Red and Purple and the Irken soldiers of the Massive to look at.</p>
<p>It began to ring. BRRRRRRIIING! BRRRRRRIING!</p>
<p>Red blinked, looking at it. "…PHOOONE…" He murmured.</p>
<p>"Oooooooh!" Purple said.</p>
<p>"Ohhhhh!" The others said.</p>
<p>"Yep!" Red said, mouth open REALLY wide.</p>
<p>"Yep-yep." Purple agreed.</p>
<p>"Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep." One guard said, HIS mouth wide open. Soon it began to spread.</p>
<p>"Briiiing! BRIIIING!" Another guard remarked.</p>
<p>"Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep…" The Irkens said, popping up left and right and repeating the words over and over.</p>
<p>"BRIIING! BRIING!"</p>
<p>"Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep…"</p>
<p>Nick turns to face you. Yes, you. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the "Superior" Irken Empire."</p>
<p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
<p>it was an ordinary Saturday, and Zim was trying to forget the school week's abysmal disappointment involving selling "dirt in a wrapper". He had sworn off chocolate for several weeks as a result of the fundraiser and had learned…perhaps…to think more carefully about getting involved in school activities.</p>
<p>And GIR? Well, GIR was just watching "Intestines of War". Some soldier had fallen to his knees and was clutching his…do I really gotta TELL you?</p>
<p>"Ah, my intestines!"</p>
<p>"HEE-HEE-HA-HA-HA-HA!" GIR laughed.</p>
<p>BRIIIIING!</p>
<p>"Phooooone." GIR said, picking up the phone. On the other end, the shaved-headed Rob Hummel of Video Outhouse, wearing a black t-shirt, frowned as he spoke.</p>
<p>"Hey man, it's been 4 weeks since you rented Intestines of War!" He pounded his fist into the counter. "It's 20 DAYS OVERDUE!...hello? HELLO!?"</p>
<p>"Who is it!" GIR screamed into the phone before he hung the phone up as the credits for Intestines of War played. Yes, this great film was a pioneer in portraying senseless intestine-related violence and could be playing at a theater near YOU!</p>
<p>Starring…</p>
<p>RESS STEVEL as THE GENERAL!</p>
<p>STEVE RESSEL as SARGE!</p>
<p>J. DUFFI as NURSE!</p>
<p>KRIZ GRAF as PRIVATE HACK!</p>
<p>HED CHEEZ as THE PRESIDENT!</p>
<p>DOOK GURGE as CAPTAIN!</p>
<p>COLON ION as COLONEL!</p>
<p>And introducing…PRIVATE POOP!</p>
<p>GIR decided he wanted to watch it again. He pressed the "Rewind" button on the remote as Zim shook his head, frowning as he watched from the entranceway of the living room.</p>
<p>"I'm gonna watch it AGAIN!" He muttered, imitating GIR.</p>
<p>GIR made squeaky noises as the TV booted back up to start the movie once more.</p>
<p>Zim waited, eyes narrowing.</p>
<p>
  <em>Five…four…three…two…one…</em>
</p>
<p>"I'm gonna watch it AGAIN!" GIR proclaimed.</p>
<p>Zim headed over to the couch, annoyed. "This is the 100TH time, GIR. You have to stop watching this thing or-" Then he turned his head and saw it. SAW IT. THE FBI WARNING OF DOOOOOOOOM!</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: DOOM…DOOM…DOOM!</strong>
</p>
<p>"OH WHAT IS THAT?!" Zim screamed in horror. "A warning!? Oh no! Oh no! FBI!? Who is this FBI!? What are they trying to warn us about!?" He screamed, panicking madly. He then ran like crazy out of the room, squealing like a monkey.</p>
<p>As for the warning, it read as such:</p>
<p>"Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution, exhibition of copyrighted motion pictures in any medium (Title 17, United States Code, Section 501 and 500). The Federal Bureau of investigation investigates allegations of criminal copyright infringement. They will hunt you down like the dirty monkey you are and force you to wear a moose skin and ride a greased piggy while singing folk tunes. They're forcing me to ride the piggy as I write this. The piggy is smelly! Show 11B, PRINTED IN USA Zimpact Inc. All Rights Reserved."</p>
<p>Yeah, you don't mess with the FBI. Period. Let this be a lesson to all you people who are illegally trying to download movies off the internet and onto your computer. SHAME! Why not just watch them at "Hulu" or "Watch-Movies"? It's a perfectly sensible alternative AND you won't get your door busted down by the FBI.</p>
<p>BRIIIIING!</p>
<p>GIR picked the phone up again. "RETURN THAT MOVIE!" Rob demanded on the other end.</p>
<p>"You got any of them taquitos?" GIR asked.</p>
<p>"Why you-"</p>
<p>CLICK.</p>
<p>MEANWHILE, IN THE LAB…</p>
<p>"Computer! Give me all the information you have on…THE FBI." He demanded, leaning back in his chair.</p>
<p>"THE FBI IS A GOVERNMENT LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY." His computer screen showed an FBI agent stepping on the head of a man who was on the ground with his hands in hand cuffs while another agent gave a thumbs up.</p>
<p>"Continue." Zim asked.</p>
<p>"INSUFFICIENT DATA."</p>
<p>"Insufficient data!?"</p>
<p><em>What happened to the "advanced alien technology" you keep bragging about? </em>The narrator asked.</p>
<p>"COMPUTER, you're making me LOOK BAD in front of the hairy speaker of truth!" Zim groaned. "Can't you just make an educated guess!?" Zim asked, aggravated.</p>
<p>"OKAAAAY…UH…" The computer screen CHANGED to show two FBI agents flying through the air holding what appeared to be advanced cell phones. "FOUNDED IN 1492 BY UH…DEMONS…"</p>
<p>BOOP! Demons popped up on the screen. "THE FBI IS A CRACK LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY…"</p>
<p>BOOP! Now it showed FBI agents breaking into a house armed with corn on the cob. "DESIGNED TO…I DUNNO…FIGHT ALIENS?"</p>
<p>BOOP! NOW the computer screen changed to show an agent punching an alien and holding his badge while another was kicking an alien and giving a noogie to another alien.</p>
<p>Zim's eyes widened. "I KNEW IT!" He proclaimed. "This is bad…this is soooo baaaaad…"</p>
<p>Meanwhile, GIR was happily tossing uncooked "Poop Corn" into his mouth and chewing them as Zim scampered up to him. "GIR! That movie is some kind of government spying tool! Quickly! Eat it!" He demanded. " I know I don't ask you to eat a lot of things, but-"</p>
<p>BRIIIIING!</p>
<p>Somebody at the phone! Quickly Zim took out a cigar-shaped device with a few purple buttons on it, one on the side, one at the bottom. After pressing the side button a few times, he shone a red light at the top of the device onto his throat.</p>
<p>"Hello?" Hmm. Nope. Not deep enough. He tried again. "Hello?" Okay, it was deeper. One more time! "<strong>Hello</strong>?"</p>
<p>Perfect! He picked up the phone. "<strong>Hello? How may I help you today</strong>?"</p>
<p>Rob Hummel was PISSED. "I'm through playin' around! You better return that video or else! This is your final warning!"</p>
<p>Zim played it cool. "<strong>I'm sorry, I do not know what you are talking about. I am normal</strong>."</p>
<p>"If that thing isn't in the drop off box by the time we open tomorrow, you're gonna payyy... <em><strong>late fees</strong></em>!" Rob swore, slamming the phone down.</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!</strong>
</p>
<p>"I wanna rent this one!" A little girl asked Rob, holding up "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie", the official movie adaptation of the hit comic book.</p>
<p>"<strong>Why</strong>? So you can keep it for weeks and weeks and not return it!? What about all the other people who wanna watch it!? You ever think about them!? Huh!? Huh!?" He asked angrily, getting up in her face, eye bugging out.</p>
<p>"WAAAAA!" The girl began to cry rivers of tears that formed a pool around her. In seconds the entire video store was filled with two inches of water.</p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>Zim hung up the phone quickly and changed his voice to normal with the device he'd used. "That was them! I have to return this thing now!" He told GIR.</p>
<p>Zim headed towards the TV. GIR, however, began to tearfully protest. "No! I'm still watching it! I wanna see what happens! I need it!" He dropped the bag of Poop Corn and started crying, running around on the floor.</p>
<p>"WHYYYYY!?" He screamed.</p>
<p>Zim ignored this. He walked outside the door and closed it and waited.</p>
<p>"Five…four…three…two…one…"</p>
<p>PLOP! GIR was now asleep on the ground, curled up like a baby and snoring.</p>
<p>"Do I know him or do I know him?" Zim inquired of the narrator.</p>
<p>
  <em>Yes, you do. But you'd better hurry, it's getting…</em>
</p>
<p>SCHOOM! Night fell all around.</p>
<p>…<em>dark.</em></p>
<p>It didn't take TOO long to reach the mall. But unfortunately, the door was locked. Zim, wearing goggles over his eyes, frowned at this as he pulled on the door handle. "They've locked down their fortress... with locks! Okay, nothing I can't handle. I'm returning this stupid movie no matter how hard they try to keep me out!" He swore.</p>
<p>His laser-legs, the same ones that had proven so helpful in the incident with the alien babies, extended from his PAK and created a square opening in the door big enough for him to walk through And as he headed through the mall, Zim felt confident. This wouldn't take too long…</p>
<p>But he had no idea that somebody was watching an ENORMOUS amount of television screens that covered every single wall of the security room they were in. Yes, this was no amateur voyeur watching the screens, looking for skirts…this was Mall Security, and Slab Rankle, chief of Mall Security, was watching over the television screens. He had a black, partially-armored outfit, white hair, and a chin that looked like it could have sunk the Titanic. Also, for some weird reason, his left eye was always shut.</p>
<p>"Rest easy, various retail outlets. Sergeant Slab Rankle is on the job!" He spoke out loud. He headed over to one such video screen, placing his hand lovingly on it. "Sleep tight, Delicious Weenie! Your seedy buns will go unharmed this night!"</p>
<p>He then rubbed the security screen for "Video Outhouse". "Ah, the Video Outhouse! Slumber well, sweet Video Outhouse, with your video treasures nestled deep within your vulnerable belly. Slab's on the job!"</p>
<p>Then he frowned, turning his head. "What's THIS?" He inquired, seeing Zim was examining a map to see where Video Outhouse was.</p>
<p>"Let's see... Video Outhouse, Video Outhouse... Fourth floor, D405...ooh, is that a CANDY STORE?" He inquired, looking at the "Sugar Shack". It WAS only one floor away, and since he was already here…</p>
<p>WHEEEE! The intercome turned on, generating feedback, and Zim gasped in horror. "Ah! They know I'm here!" He gasped, hiding behind a trash can.</p>
<p>"The mall is CLOSED!" A gruff voice spoke from the intercom. "You are in direct violation of code 4 slash 7 2! Prepare to face my wrath!"</p>
<p>"Who are you?!" Zim shouted.</p>
<p>"Sergeant Slab Rankle, serial number F305769 and you are in direct violation!"</p>
<p>"I violate nothing! I've come to return this video disk and there's nothing that your precious FBI can do to stop me!" He stated, holding up his DVD.</p>
<p>"The FBI!" Slab laughed. "Nothing but <strong>amateurs</strong>! No, my friend, I'm afraid your tangling with someone far worse than the FBI. You just crossed... <strong>MALL SECURITY!</strong>"</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "<em>Security</em>?" He asked. "You're not the FBI? Huh. I worried for nothing. This is just a typical Earth store. I've let my fears get the best of me. Heh heh heh, I'm very funny." He sniggered.</p>
<p>THEN all the lights flooded on at once.</p>
<p>"AAAA!" Zim screamed, running for his life.</p>
<p>"The game begins." Slab grinned, holding his hand over a big, red, SHINY button marked "Defenses"…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim had finally reached the fourth floor. The video outhouse was right before him! "There! Simple! This little stink man will not get in my way!" He swore, rushing towards the drop-off box.</p>
<p>Yes, it was going to be easy.</p>
<p>…too easy.</p>
<p>BEEP! Slab pushed the defenses button and UNLEASHED HELL! As Zim ran past the mall bank, the sign saying "BANK" detached and came crashing down. He rolled to the side, and gasped as lasers shot out from where the sign had been. THEN a sign for a small cart labeled "MUGS" fell off to reveal three bright lights as a wheel extended from the cart and the whole thing lifted off the ground, the roof unfoldeding. Two more tires extended from the sides of the card and created a laser between them…</p>
<p>And this was just the start! MORE lasers popped up, extending around the entrance of Delicious Weenie! A pillar in the mall opened up and even MORE lasers shot from it! A protective covering was placed over the store entrances to his right and left, the trees within the mall titled to the side and lasers shot out from openings…</p>
<p>LASERS, LASERS, EVERYWHERE!</p>
<p>SHOOM! The top of a small tree near Zim burst open and created an enormous WALL…now Zim couldn't escape the way he came. Lasers blocked his path…and laser cannons were emergin from the ground, all in a row!</p>
<p>He RAN. Like the WIND. But the lasers were shooting everywhere. In desperation he extended his mechanical spider legs from his PAK and managed to jump up past the "MUGS" cart…</p>
<p>SCHA-WHOOOO!</p>
<p>The lasers of the cart cut through his legs and he rolled across the floor as the last of the laser beams shot through the air, barely missing him. But luckily…the video entrance was right before him!</p>
<p>But then he realized something. The fish-shaped water fountain behind him had stopped squirting water and was BEEPING. A large slug that served as a mall bench was beeping too…a pig dressed up in cowboy clothes in front of "Cowboy Cuisine" was beeping…</p>
<p>He ran again, panting, sweating, he could make it, he could…</p>
<p>SCHOOOOOOM! Grappling hooks soared out of the fish's mouth, the slug's mouth AND two more from the pig's nostrils! Soon he was, forgive the pun, HOG-TIED in thick mechanical bonds. And he'd dropped the "Intestines of War" DVD.</p>
<p>"Release me! Release me or suffer the wrath of ZIM!" Zim yelled out as Slab walked towards his new prisoner, picking up the DVD.</p>
<p>"We meet at last, young trespasser!" Slab remarked.</p>
<p>Zim struggled to escape, but this proved futile. He began growling.</p>
<p>"Quiet! There'll be time for you to grovel later!" Slab told him, holding up a hand. Then he began to pace back and forth. "Tell me something, do you understand the concept of business hours? Do you? Well?" He wheeled on Zim, poking him in the face. "DO YOU!?"</p>
<p>Zim just blinked behind his goggles.</p>
<p>"We have rules for a reason, boy! Without them, there is only chaos, and chaos is, oooh, I don't even want to think of it." Slab swore.</p>
<p>"Could you drop that disk in the slot behind you and let me go with a warning?" Zim asked nicely, giving him the biggest smile he could muster.</p>
<p>"I'm afraid not, this is evidence." Slab said, sniffing the disk with his nose. "And as for letting you go, <strong>NO</strong>!" He pulled out a remote and pressed a button. WOOP! The floor tiles under Zim opened up and Zim fell into a trap hole. Smiling happily, Slab then spoke in a vague country accent. "Good job Slab Rankle, your country commends you!" He said, imitating Presidentman. "Thank you, Mister President!" He then spoke in his normal voice.</p>
<p>Yeah, Slab was a few slabs of steak short of a real BBQ.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Zim had landed in a prison cell and was now looking at a group of humans…</p>
<p>And the Scary Monkey.</p>
<p>"How?"</p>
<p>"Well they have to broadcast the show from SOMEWHERE." Nick's voice spoke up.</p>
<p>"…oh."</p>
<p>One of the prisoners was a black teenager who was wearing a green jacket. He turned around and saw Zim, gaping in amazement.</p>
<p>"Whoa! Oh man! An alien!" The kid shouted. He turned to the others. "An <strong>alien</strong>!"</p>
<p>Uh oh! Quickly Zim turned away from them and put on his toupee and contacts. When the teen turned around along with the others…he looked "normal".</p>
<p>"Oh. False alarm." The teenager said.</p>
<p>A brown-haired man who was wearing a crummy-looking, ketchup-stained t-shirt and boxers approached Zim. His name? Sergeant Shriver. "Rankle got you too, uh? Welcome to our little club... of doom!"</p>
<p><strong>SFX: DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!</strong><br/><br/>"Who ARE you people?" Zim inquired.</p>
<p>The sergeant sighed. "We've all got our reasons for being here; shoplifting, loitering, singing..."</p>
<p>"I told him I was sorry, but what can I do? I got the music in my soul!" A glasses-wearing, Jewish man complained.</p>
<p>Zim gaped at the sight of Nick, who nervously smiled as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Hi Zim!" He told his charge. "As it turns out, PDAs are not allowed in the mall."</p>
<p>"Personal digital assistants?" Zim asked.</p>
<p>"The OTHER PDA." Nick told him.</p>
<p>"EW." Zim stuck his tongue out. "Your "kissing" is disgusting!"</p>
<p>"Don't knock it till you've tried it!" Nick insisted.</p>
<p>"He caught <em>me</em> sleeping during my shift." Sergeant Shriver said to Zim. "When you break the rules, Rankle sends you here. Every couple a days, he takes someone away. They never come back... Some say he just lets 'em go. Me? I say he takes them and turn 'em into horrible zombie soldiers in that new zombie lab they just put in out back."</p>
<p>"But I don't <em>wanna</em> be a zombie soldier..." The teenager whined.</p>
<p>"Has anyone ever escaped?" Zim asked.</p>
<p>"The only guy who ever escaped, never made it out."</p>
<p>"Huh?" Zim tilted his head to the side.</p>
<p>"<em>Mmmyep</em>." Sarge mumbled.</p>
<p>"Don't think about it too hard. Your head will explode. Mine already did." Nick instructed.</p>
<p>"Yeah. It was nasty." The teen admitted.</p>
<p>Zim glanced up at the hole in the ceiling he'd fallen through. An idea was forming in his head. "There is hope!" He insisted, pointing into the sky. "With the proper guidance, anything is possible and I'm telling you right now, you can get out of this cell if you only believed that you can, then you can! Trust me! RISE, my fellow prisoners!" He proclaimed.</p>
<p>They all looked up hopefully.</p>
<p>"Rise up and use your revolting limbs to escape this prison!"</p>
<p>One by one they headed over to the hole in the ceiling. "That's it, yes! Climb on top of each other and form a stairway!"</p>
<p>Sarge and an employee of McMeaties got down on all fours. The black teen climbed on top of them…</p>
<p>"A stairway of hope and cooperation! It's time to run free through your hideous streets once more! If we work together, we can get out of here! Who's with me!?"</p>
<p>"YEAH!" Everyone cheered. Soon all of them formed a stairway, with the scary monkey and Nick at the very top.</p>
<p>Slab, meanwhile, was watching over the mall screens. "And don't worry, Lemonade on a Stick stand! Your brave protector Slab Rankle will remain ever vigilant!" Slab said, the "Intestines of War" DVD on a chair next to him. He had no idea the prisoners were escaping.</p>
<p>"We're doin' it! We're doin' it!" Sarge realized.</p>
<p>"Yes! Onward to freedom!" Zim swore, climbing up the prisoners. "You see what can be accomplished if you just work together?" He asked, leaping off the scary monkey and into the hole.</p>
<p>…leaving them behind.</p>
<p>"…uh…hellooooo?" Sarge called out. "Helloooooo?"</p>
<p>"Dib was right. THAT <strong>JERK</strong>. " Nick hissed . "I'll get him for this, I swear to myself I'll get him for this!"</p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>Zim peeked his head up from the tile, looking around. Noticing the staircase that led to the security room where Slab was no doubt keeping his DVD, he frowned. Lasers…more laser beams protecting each step. BUT…</p>
<p>He had an idea. He ran to the stairway, climbing out of the floor tile and leaping onto an arrow sign that said "Security" that was right in front of the stairway. He then waved his arms at the "Cowboy Cuisine" pig and called out. "Yoohoo! Over here! Here!"</p>
<p>The pig grunted, and TWHOOSH! Out came a grappling hook! But Zim was quick, he leapt out of the way as it went through the sigh and all the way up to the top of the staircase, latching onto the door to the security room. Zim ran along the thick wire of the grappling hook and to the door, sneaking inside and scurrying along the floor quietly, going closer to the "Intestines of War" DVD that was just ahead, near Slab.</p>
<p>"Do not fear, lard house. I'll keep your many enemies at bay!"</p>
<p>He sat back in his chair. "Ahh. And-"</p>
<p>BOINK! All his eyes bugged out, including the left eye, which had a smiley face for a pupil, as he whipped his head to the right. The DVD was missing!</p>
<p>He looked towards the security door and saw it was ajar…AND that the generator that powered the lasers had been broken as well! Now all the security screens showed the words "LASER GUARD SHUTDOWN on them. Sweating visibly, Slab hissed as he clenched his thick fists. "It's not that easy, my friend. Slab Rankle is not that easy to pull one over and defeat. Slab... and Rankle, and, and... Slab, and..."</p>
<p>He stood up. "TIME FOR ZOMBIES!" He shouted.</p>
<p>Zim was running for it. DVD in hand, he was just about to drop off his video in the drop-off-slot…</p>
<p>But then it happened. They came from EVERYWHERE! Decaying flesh, yellowed eyes, groaning and moaning, rising from trash cans, out from every single store, going down the escalator or dumped onto the floor via large tubes…</p>
<p>"ZOMBIES?!" Zim shouted. He began to hyperventilate, fear filling his body as the masses of undead came closer and closer and…</p>
<p>…and began to run into each other. And fall backwards. Or into the fountain.</p>
<p>"…hello?" He called out. "Uh, are you even gonna TRY to attack me? This is just <em><strong>sad</strong></em>."</p>
<p>"UGGGGAAAA…" One stepped towards him…then just fell down in front of him. Zim calmly walked over him and headed to the drop-off box of Video Outhouse, slipping the DVD into it.</p>
<p>"HA! Nothing can stop Zim! Nothing! Not even this filthy army of zombies!" He swore.</p>
<p>Then Slab appeared, pushing his way through the crowd and heading towards Zim. Zim was about to run for it, but Slab raised his hand. "Wait! Stop!"</p>
<p>Zim blinked as Slab stood before him. "It appears I have met my match. You have bested my zombie soldiers and are a worthy opponent. You have my congratulations- Nay! You have my admiration!"</p>
<p>He saluted Zim, who blinked. "Heh? Well, you know, I AM Zim." He bragged, grinning.</p>
<p>"We made quite a team." Slab went on.</p>
<p>"…huh?" Zim was now confused.</p>
<p>"Don't you see? If the two of us combine forces, nothing could stop us!" Slab told him, getting down on one knee and holing out a hand like he was PROPOSING.</p>
<p>"…uh…"</p>
<p>"Join me! Together, we will rule the mall!" Slab proclaimed, stretching out his hands as he stood up, making a dramatic pose.</p>
<p>"…uh…no…that's okay…" Zim remarked. And with that, he headed out the exit.</p>
<p>Slab sighed as he headed towards the escalator and stood on it, facing it backwards. "I guess it's my lonely duty to stand guard. Sleep tight, sweet mall. Everything's okay. I'm here, baby."</p>
<p>WOOMP! He fell backwards onto the floor once he reached the top.</p>
<p>"I'm heeeeere…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim yawned as he headed towards his house and opened up the door. "Ah. I'm here." He said happily. "Now I can take this dumb disguise off, finally relax and-"</p>
<p>BOINK! His eyes widened as he saw Nick was sitting there with GIR and the people from the jail. All were in the living room eating various snacks, while GIR snacked away on chocolate-covered "Poop Corn" and Nick smiled as he put down his "SuckMunkey Slushie", scratching the Scary Monkey on the head.</p>
<p>"Hi, Zim. I decided to bring your "new friends" over to your house for a sleepover! And don't worry about keeping them entertained…I brought over one of my movies for all of us to watch!"</p>
<p>He held up a "Special Edition" DVD with the title on the top…Intestines of War.</p>
<p>(Cut to outside the house. There's silence for a few moments. Then…)</p>
<p>"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: DOOM…DOOM…</strong>
  <strong>DOOOOOOOOM</strong>
  <strong>!</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. BOLOGNIUS MAXIMUS</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I said this looks like a lunch for me, so everybody just let me eat, Cuz we need a little pork &amp; beef , cuz it feels so empty without meat!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>BOLOGNIUS MAXIMUS</strong>
</p>
<p>On his way to school, Zim noticed a construction crew was hard at work adding something to the side of the school. He blinked stupidly at the sight of it as Torque Smacky approached from behind, a big grin in his face. But then…he saw the construction crew as well.</p>
<p>"Those…adults!" Zim stated, pointing at the crew. "They are not WORKING! Why, if they were back at MY-" Before he could go on a tangent on how such laziness would earn them three days in solitary, Torque gasped in awe.</p>
<p>"They're littering and…peeing everywhere…and scarfing down junk food!" Torque gasped. "CONSTRUCTION IS A DREAM JOB!"</p>
<p>Zim blinked and looked at him. "WHAT?" He asked.</p>
<p>"THIS is why they tell us to stay in school…so we don't find out how amazing WORKING is…OOH, that guy had a LOT to drink!"</p>
<p>Turning dark green with disgust, Zim ran inside the school.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>BRIIIING! LUNCHTIME!</p>
<p>"The menu says "Mystery Meat"." Zita remarked.</p>
<p>"MMM." The Letter M said.</p>
<p>"Sounds intriguing!" Antoinette intoned.</p>
<p>"I'm STARVED." Spoo complained.</p>
<p>"Can we get seconds? Or thirds?" Melvin inquired.</p>
<p>"Woohoo! Look at that HUGE ladle!" Gretchen said.</p>
<p>"Well don't cut in front of me!" Billy Slunchy yelled at Gretchen.</p>
<p>A red-haired young woman sighed as she looked at the long line of students. "Sigh…these poor children break my heart." She told her boss, brushing her red hair to the side.</p>
<p>"You took an oath. Now glop it on." Her boss snapped.</p>
<p>Nick noticed she was knew and headed over to her after all the kids were eating. "You're new here. I can tell. What's your name?"</p>
<p>"Oh, I'm Sue. This is good experience for my resume. I want to work with children at day care centers and one day maybe RUN them, so every little bit counts." Sue told him. "Now do you want the brown sauce stuff or-"</p>
<p>"I BROUGHT a lunch." Nick said, holding it up.</p>
<p>"Smart man." Sue said. He nodded at her and walked off, just BARELY hearing what came out of her mouth a moment later. "Jhonen might have picked wisely after all…"</p>
<p>Zim sat alone at a table in the skool cafeteria. He poked his sandwich with a fork and it let out a squeak, prompting a mouse to run out of it. He looked left…kids were eating THEIR sandwiches. But he was loathe to have this bologna sandwich. VERY loathe. In fact, he spat to the side in disgust.</p>
<p>It was then that Dib popped up. "You know, anyone who watches you obsessively everyday would notice that you never actually eat any of the food. Why is that, Zim? Don't like the taste, or is it something more?"</p>
<p>He raised an eyebrow and lifted up a slice of bologna from Zim's tray, holding it in front of Zim.</p>
<p>"A weakness, maybe?" Dib mused.</p>
<p>Zim knocked the bologna away by slapping Dib's arm. "Don't be ridiculous! I have already stuffed my normal human belly so full of delicious human FILTH that I could not eat another bite!" He snapped.</p>
<p>The two glared at each other, the camera narrowing in on them as electrical sparks flew through the air.</p>
<p>"I Hate Everything About You, Three Days Grace." Gaz said.</p>
<p>"Somebody Hates Me, Reel Big Fish." Nick responded.</p>
<p>"Fuck Off, by the Insane Clown Posse."</p>
<p>"Your Guts, I Hate 'Em, ALSO Reel Big Fish."</p>
<p>"I Hope You Die, Bloodhound Gang."</p>
<p>"Shut Up, by Simple Plan."</p>
<p>"Go Away…REEL BIG FISH." Gaz laughed.</p>
<p>"ERRR…SHOOT, I can't think of anymore!" He groaned, rubbing his head.</p>
<p>"Mess with the best, go down like the rest." Gaz said, smirking.</p>
<p>"You DO realize that the Gaz-beast and the hairy-armed one are playing "Name that Tune" with the expressions we're giving each other?" Zim hissed.</p>
<p>"So you say you're already full? Y'know what I say to THAT?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"Alright, I'll bite, What?"</p>
<p>"BALONEY!" Dib laughed, tossing a slice that hit Zim in the face.</p>
<p>SSSSSSSS!</p>
<p>"AAAAAA!" Zim jumped on the table and ran around and around as the meat sizzled and steamed on his skin.</p>
<p>"The meat! The meat! The horrible meeeaaaeat!" He cried, falling off the table. Dib began laughing madly, walking away as a large, bologna-colored welt was clearly seen on Zim's forehead. Tiny little bumps began popping up like POPCORN on his head, almost covering his eye.</p>
<p>"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" Dib laughed…and laughed…and laughed.</p>
<p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
<p>Dib walked into the doorway of class as Ms. Bitters frowned at him.</p>
<p>"You're late, Dib! This is the third time this week."</p>
<p>He approached her and nervously bowed his head. "Sorry, Ms. Bitters. I was in the biology room trying to get pictures of that vampire gerbil in action."</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters frowned more deeply than usual. "That excuse is getting old! Sit down!" She demanded.</p>
<p>Dib headed towards his desk…then noticed Zim was scratching the welt of bologna that was still on his face. "Are you STILL mad about the thing with the sandwich that happened yesterday?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>Zim pounded his desk and gave Dib a look that could kill. He was about to grab Dib and try to throttle him when Brian suddenly grabbed his face and tugged on it, laughing.</p>
<p>"HEY, BOLOGNA BOY!" He sniggered.</p>
<p>"He got bologna on his head!" Zita laughed.</p>
<p>Now all the class was laughing at him, pointing, snickering and chuckling and guffawing while Zim's eye twitched, a tortured look on his face.</p>
<p>Then the sadness turned to pure, unadulterated rage and hate. As it usually did for Irkens.</p>
<p>"THAT'S IT, DIB." He snarled, scratching at the welt. "Laugh now, yes. Laugh and frolic in your vile meats of evil.. Meats of evil!"</p>
<p>A group of monks walked by the doorway to the class, slapping boards to their heads and chanting "Meats of Eeeevil, Meats of Eeevil, Meats of Eeeevil!"</p>
<p>"Okay, everyone! Remember, choir practice is in the cafeteria today!" DL's voice called out as Nick led him down the hallway.</p>
<p>Zim pointed furiously at Dib, eyes narrowing. "But know that vengeance shall be mine! OH, how it will be mine!" He laughed, clenching his fists and grinning broadly.</p>
<p>"…yeah, whatever." Dib mumbled, sitting on his desk.</p>
<p>POINK!</p>
<p>"YEEEEEOOOOWWW!" Dib shot back up. "The heck!?"</p>
<p>Zim laughed as Dib looked at his chair and held up what had done the dirty deed…</p>
<p>"This is your vengeance, Zim? A tack? That's pathetic! Even for you!" Dib remarked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Shut up!" Ms. Bitters snapped. "Now then, class, today's horrible lecture is about something horrible. Open your horrible textbooks to page 2038."</p>
<p>Dib opened up his large blue textbook and began looking through it to examine the "Investing Social Security in the Stock Market plan" that had been proposed in early 2000's. Zim grinned evilly…</p>
<p>Soon school was over. Zim, sitting in his lab, placed his clawed goves together and smirked as he looked at a computer screen which showed an experiment in progress. "Ahh…BEAUTIFUL." He sighed happily. "If Dib's cellular reaction is the same as it is for these test cells, then my vengeance will truly be complete."</p>
<p>He smiled, a cold, cruel smile without any warmth. "Yes…sleep well this night, miserable human." He whispered. "For it will be the last peaceful sleep you will ever know."</p>
<p>"MEATS OF EEEEVIL…MEATS OF EEEEVIL!"</p>
<p>"AAA!" Zim turned around to see that Nick having DL do more choir practice. Somehow he'd gotten into his lab. "HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING IN MY HOUSE?! I KNOW I locked the door and windows!"</p>
<p>"You'll find you can do a lot of things when you're me. Besides, what's DL gonna see that you won't like?"</p>
<p>"…oh, alright." Zim groaned. "I'm going upstairs to listen to some nice relaxing music so I can unwind as I think of evil plans."</p>
<p>"Sure, sure." Nick remarked, waving his had dismissively as Zim headed back upstairs.</p>
<p>THE NEXT MORNING…</p>
<p>Dib and Gaz were walking to school and talking. "They try and say it's just a regular mountain range on the Martian surface, and it's just a trick of the light, but come on! It is SO a monkey face."</p>
<p>"I don't care." Gaz remarked. "I'm angry, Dib!"</p>
<p>"Why?" Dib asked, though he had a feeling he was gonna HATE the answer.</p>
<p>"I can't believe people keep disagreeing with me and not bending to my will!"</p>
<p>"Yeah, how unreasonable of them." Dib thought to himself, sighing.</p>
<p>"Is it SO much to ask for everyone not to undermine me with facts and just go along with whatever I say?!" Gaz inquired angrily.</p>
<p>"RUFF!"</p>
<p>A small dog began sniffing and licking him madly, while another dog "SNURFED" his chest. "Hey, go away." Dib said, nudging the bigger one away with his foot.</p>
<p>Gaz smirked. "Whaddya know. "Looks like you finally found some friends who actually wanna be around you."</p>
<p>She headed down the sidewalk while Dib kept trying to get the dogs to go away…then he saw a LARGE group of dogs running right towards him! He screamed…</p>
<p>WHOMP! The little dog clung to his back. He tried to knock it off, but it BIT him and he groaned. "AH! Quit it!" He snapped, pulling his hand away as the smaller dog jumped off. He sucked on the wound to make it sting less and found…</p>
<p>"…heyyyy…I'm delicious!"</p>
<p>He quickly ran over to Gaz.</p>
<p>"Gaz! Taste me! I'm delicious!" He said, holding out his hand.</p>
<p>"I knew one of these days you'd REALLY go insane." Gaz gasped, turning around and running for her life.</p>
<p>Dib licked his hand again…then he saw that more and MORE dogs were coming out from all over, growling and snarling.</p>
<p>Dib's eyes shut, he held his hands up and he screamed to the high heavens as they closed in…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… Ms. Bitters rounded on Dib as he limped into the classroom. " Late again, Dib! And what is it this time? Vampire babies or bigfoot mailmen?" She sneered.</p>
<p>Dib's clothes were all torn up. A chunk of ear had been bitten off. He had a LOT of scratch and bite marks on him, and he groaned out his reply. "Dogs... chasing me... So many dogs!"</p>
<p>Zita held her nose. "Hey…whuzzat nasty sandwichy smell?" She asked out in a nasally tone.</p>
<p>"EWWWWW…" The class agreed, smelling that same stink.</p>
<p>Zim just twiddled his thumbs, a big grin on his face.</p>
<p>Sara gagged, holding her mouth and trying not to puke. "I think it's coming from DIB!"</p>
<p>"DUDE…DUUUUUDE! I left my undies on for a month and it kinda smelled like you did." Carl said.</p>
<p>Zim smirked evilly at Zim. "Who's the joke now, Dib? I told you you'd suffer my revenge and now look at you!"</p>
<p>"What? Your mind controlling slobbery dogs now? Real scary, space boy. A quick shower and your vengeance just washes right off." Dib snapped, folding his arms across his chest.</p>
<p>"UGH! I'm gonna throw up!" Melvin gasped out.</p>
<p>"The stink…the STINK!" Sara gasped, the top of her head smoking as she fell limp on her desk.</p>
<p>"Silence! If I have to put up with the awesome force of your collective child stench everyday, then so shall you all!" Ms. Bitters snapped.</p>
<p>Dib sat back down at his desk and sniffed and licked his scent. "What... is that smell? It's so…familiar…" He murmured.</p>
<p>"Unfortunately, the school has lost its funding for textbooks, so you've all been given wildlife survival manuals. Today you will be quizzed on how to skin a moose!" She announced.</p>
<p>Then she started sniffing the air, and her eyes narrowed as she leapt onto her desk. Narrowing in on what was bothering her, she skulked around the classroom, sniffing the air and grunting.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters starts sniffing the air. Ms. Bitters gets onto her desk. She then walks through the classroom, sniffing the air and grunting.</p>
<p>"UGH…Ms. Bitters, I think there's a skinned moose somewhere in the class!" The Letter M groaned, smoke rising from his body as he fell out of his desk.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters raced to Dib's desk and growled. "Dib! You stink! Go to the bathroom and roll around in the toilet until you smell better!"</p>
<p>"But I'll smell like toilet." Dib complained.</p>
<p>"EXACTLY."</p>
<p>"But WILLY was the last one to use it!" Dib gulped.</p>
<p>A VERY grungy child clapped his hands as flies circled around him. He giggled, showing off rotten teeth.</p>
<p>"I said GO." Ms. Bitters snapped. "NOW!"</p>
<p>Dib headed out the door as the class cheered to see Dib go. "Oh yeah, Dib?" Zim asked. "Uh, my vengeance is now complete." He added with a cheerful smile.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib had scrubbed and scrubbed. But when he tasted himself, there was no change in his smell or taste.</p>
<p>"Still delicious! No one should be this delicious! What's going on!?" Dib exclaimed.</p>
<p>Then the tack fell from out of his coat. He picked it up and REALLY examined it…and saw it was an alien device. Not a NORMAL tack. "ZIM." He hissed.</p>
<p>He quickly ran to a stall and set up his laptop, which he always carried in his coat. Hooking up a grey device to his laptop and sticking the tack inside of said compartment device, he pressed a button on the side of it and a swirling of white energy appeared above the thing.</p>
<p>"Computer, analyze. Run a chemical check. Is there any unusual foreign substance on the tack?" Dib asked his laptop.</p>
<p>"ANALYSIS DONE. UNKNOWN SUBSTANCE DETECTED." His computer announced.</p>
<p>"And my skin sample, does it contain the same substance?" He asked.</p>
<p>"YES. SUBSTANCE DETECTED IN DIB CELLS."</p>
<p>Dib rubbed his chin. "So, a foreign DNA sequence! And Zim got it inside me by making me sit on that tack! Computer, where did this DNA originate from?"</p>
<p>"ANALYZING..."</p>
<p>BEEP! It showed an image of the DNA. Then it changed to the image of a cell, then it zoomed out and showed a GROUP of cells. And then it showed…</p>
<p>"Bologna!" Dib exclaimed. "Zim has introduced bologna DNA into my body!? Computer, have I absorbed the bologna?" He asked, eyes widening with horror.</p>
<p>"NO. SUBJECT DIB HAS BEEN FUSED WITH SUBJECT BOLOGNA."</p>
<p>"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dib screamed, grabbing the side of his head, his cry echoing out into the bathroom.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Poor Dib. Felled by a weapon of "ass destruction".</p>
<p>But soon shock and horror turned to righteous rage. As it did with most humans. So…</p>
<p>"Yes, Zim?"</p>
<p>"Say, Is it a fair fight? Is this moose creature wielding any sort of projectile weapons?"</p>
<p>"No. No it's not."</p>
<p>"Sigh. Poor moose." Zim remarked, shaking is head.</p>
<p>BANG! The door snapped open and a FURIOUS Dib stood there, eyes blazing behind his glasses, smelling even MORE strongly of bologna than before!</p>
<p>" Ewww..." The class said, all holding their noses. Zim's eyes widened with horror for a moment…that look in Dib's eyes frightened him.</p>
<p>"I know what you've done, Zim, and it's not funny!" Dib snarled.</p>
<p>"I don't know what you're talking about. Get away from me…SANDWICH BOY"! He added, smirking as he waved his hand dismissively.</p>
<p>BA-Bam! Dib tackled Zim to the ground and banged him against the ground as Zim sweated visibly. "The cure! Make it stop, Zim! Make this thing you've done to me stop!" He demanded desperately.</p>
<p>Hearing that tone made Zim get his usual self-confidence back. He smacked Dib off of him and stood up, pointing in the air. "There is no cure! And I'll never make it stop! You might as well resign yourself to your meaty fate! I told you you would forever rue the day you messed with Zim! Now, begin your ruing!"</p>
<p>He sat back in his seat. "I'll just sit here and... watch. Hee-hee…" He began to laugh. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"</p>
<p>Dib chewed at his lip as he looked around the class and Zim continued to laugh and laugh and laugh…</p>
<p>Finally he could bare it no more. He ran out of the class, out of the hallway, right out of the school!</p>
<p>"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA-" Zim stopped when he saw that everyone was looking at him.</p>
<p>"Uh…um…continue, Ms. Bitters." He said, clearing his throat.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim had begun walking home when he encountered Dib…who's head had swelled up. Now it was even BIGGER than it usually was.</p>
<p>"MY HEAD IS NOT BIG!"</p>
<p>Hey, you're not supposed to hear that!...oh, wait, I get it. Automatic reaction.</p>
<p>"Why are you shouting at the sky?" Zim remarked.</p>
<p>"Uh…the bologna is poisoning my mind?" Dib excused. "Anyhow…"</p>
<p>A bunch of dogs were licking Dib like made as he sighed. "I know all about your little trick, Zim. I must admit, it's a pretty good joke. I..." He sighed. "I think it deserves some praise."</p>
<p>He held out his hand to Zim. "It takes a big man to admit when he's been beaten. I like to think of myself as being humble enough to accept when I've lost."</p>
<p>Zim grinned happily. "FINALLY, the day has come!" He looked wistfully at the sky. "Oh, at long last…It's about time you acknowledged me as the superior being I SO am!"</p>
<p>He took Dib's hand. "It will make my victory even sweeter to know that-"</p>
<p>POINK!</p>
<p>"YEEEOOOOWWW!" Zim cried out, holding onto his hand.</p>
<p>Dib laughed and raised his hand to reveal…he'd taped the tack to his hand.</p>
<p>"HA! The joke's on YOU, Zim! Now you HAVE to find a cure for the bologna thing!" He said, holding up the tack.</p>
<p>Zim growled and snatched the tack away from Dib, hissing. "Fool! You think I would share the cure with YOU? I'll find a cure and keep it all to myself and then watch you transform more and more into what you really are deep down in your heart!"</p>
<p>"…deep down I'm bologna?" Dib asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Yes." Zim remarked.</p>
<p>"…that's just dumb." Dib snapped.</p>
<p>"Dumb like a moose, Dib. Dumb like a moose!" Zim laughed, pointing at him. And with that, he scampered off.</p>
<p>"HEY! Wait! The cure!"</p>
<p>SOON…</p>
<p>Zim was sitting before his computer in his lab and had discovered…to his horror…</p>
<p>"No! The reaction is much quicker inside of me! It's worse than I imagined! HOW?!"</p>
<p>Dib is a HUMAN, Zim. The human body has one of the greatest immune systems in the universe! Even if you infected ALL of us with a virus, SOME of us would survive and overcome and repopulate the world. So he's been fighting your bologna mutagen for quite a while. He can't WIN, true, but he's going to naturally do better than an Irken who can barely handle TOUCHING raw Earth meat, let alone having it introduced into his body!</p>
<p>"This can't be happening!" Zim gasped. "Computer, quickly engineer a serum to reverse the effects of the mutagen!"</p>
<p>"COMMAND VOICE NOT RECOGNIZED. INTRUDER PRESENT." His computer stated.</p>
<p>Zim frowned. "Intruder? I am ZIM! Run a scan to verify that I am Zim!"</p>
<p>"BIO-SCAN VERIFICATION COMPLETE. INTRUDER IS BOLOGNA." The computer spoke.</p>
<p>"NOOOO!" Zim cried out as a mechanical arm shot out to grab him.</p>
<p>SOON…</p>
<p>Dib was sitting in the kitchen, his body even MORE bloated than before and now a darker shade. A nonchalant Gaz had grabbed a chunk of his head off and was snacking away on it. Dib rested his head on his hand, sighing. What was he gonna do?</p>
<p>DING-DONG!</p>
<p>Dib walked to the door and gaped at the sight of Zim, who was just as bloated as he was…with panic in his eyes.</p>
<p>"The dogs! After my juicy meat body of bologna meat!"</p>
<p>Dib frowned angrily. "ZIM! What are you doing here?!"</p>
<p>Zim placed his clawed, gloved hands on his chest. "My base, my labs, they don't think I'm really ME! The transformation is so bad it sees me as a different creature now! I must use your labs!" He begged.</p>
<p>"You want to use my labs?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"It's the only way! I must find the cure! Quickly, the dogs! Listen to them!" Zim pleaded. "You know, it would benefit YOU as well."</p>
<p>Dib blinked, seeing Zim was sweating nervously, frightened out of his mind. He sighed, then made his choice. "Just this once... We work together!" He decided.</p>
<p>He stretched out his arms, closing his eyes as sparkling light swirled up around his body from the ground, little sparkles twinkling in the air as they, and his hair, rose up into the air.</p>
<p>"Mortal enemies working together for the common goooood!" He called out.</p>
<p>"Be quiet!" Zim snapped. Dib lowered his arms. "…how did you do that?"</p>
<p>"…I don't know. Let's get to work!"</p>
<p>AND SO…</p>
<p>Work they did. Dib handed Zim two beakersr he'd gotten from his lab's cupboard and Zim poured them into a bowl to test their properties.</p>
<p>BAM!</p>
<p>The explosion covered them in soot and sent them flying back. Apparently the properties were explosive.</p>
<p>They tried again. Zim injected some bologna with a liquid and saw the bologna melt away. It could work…</p>
<p>They soon filled a container with the liquid and placed it in a device that resembled a juicer. It spun around and around as Dib's computer screen displayed the words "ANALYZING DATA" on the screen.</p>
<p>Dib and Zim held their breaths..</p>
<p>"ANALYSIS COMPLETE…FATAL."</p>
<p>"NOOOO." Zim groaned, falling to the ground. "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna diiiiieee!"He sobbed.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim held up a beaker full of liquid, his body even more worse off than poor Dib by now…now it was shaped just like a big, fat sausage! Zim is even more bloated than Dib now. " Finally! I think we've done it!" He announced.</p>
<p>Dib snatched the beaker from Zim and chugged it down…</p>
<p>BOINK! SCHA-WHUDDA-FROMP!</p>
<p>Now HE was the same shape as Zim!</p>
<p>"AAA! OOOH, you rotten alien monster!" Dib snapped, shattering the beaker on the ground.</p>
<p>"This inferior equipment! SMEETS play with more advanced toys!" Zim complained.</p>
<p>"Smeets?"</p>
<p>"Irken babies."</p>
<p>"Yeah, well, we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for your stupid evil "prank"!" Dib snapped. "This is all your fault!" He growled, balling his already fat fingers into a fatter fist.</p>
<p>Dib chased after Zim angrily and they ran around and around…then they accidentally wobbled their way into the exit chute of the Membrane laboratory. The two accidentally tipped on the ground and fell inside. The two soon found themselves outside the house and surrounded by lots of dogs.</p>
<p>"Now what, Zim? What's your next plan?" Dib mumbled.</p>
<p>"Let's run screaming."</p>
<p>The dogs growled. They ran for their lives!</p>
<p>"YAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!"</p>
<p>"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…as dogs surrounded the abandoned, dilapidated house that had, at one point, been Jhonen's, they sat on the couch. Now the two of them were completely turned into bologna sausages. Zim still had his PAK on him, and Dib still had his glasses. Flies buzzed around in the air above them.</p>
<p>"You <strong>jerk</strong>." Dib groaned out.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Nick looked left, then looked right.</p>
<p>No sign. Good. The whole school, locker rooms included, were empty.</p>
<p>Normally he wouldn't DARE go into the faculty locker rooms after dark. Especially not the WOMEN'S locker rooms. But this was an emergency. He'd felt something odd from that girl's aura.</p>
<p>He opened up the locker and looked through a pink purse, uncovering what he wanted.</p>
<p>"…a Guncon." He said softly. A blue "light gun" with a small scope poking up at the top…it sent a concentrated burst of energy at it's opponent and had a wire sticking out the handle which attached itself to the firer's skin. It literally took your aura and fired it like a bullet at an opponent…you could almost NEVER run out of ammo if you were spirited enough.</p>
<p>Only one kind of person used this sort of gun…had access to this kind of technology…</p>
<p>And after he went through the purse he found something else that confirmed his suspicions. He pulled out a slender blade that looked a lot like a letter opener. It fit the size of the stab wounds on Jhonen.</p>
<p>He'd found his mentor's killer.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Game Slave 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <em>Estuans interius ira vehementi... Estuans interius ira vehementi...</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>GAME SLAVE 2</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"So…how did you like that trip to outer space?" Nick asked after he and Kelsey returned from the moon. He now stood on her doorstep, the porch light on.</p>
      <p>"It was…new." She admitted.</p>
      <p>"Well I've got to get going home." Nick said, kissing her on the lips. "See you in school, okay?"</p>
      <p>He waved goodbye, then flew away through the air, humming happily to himself. He'd identified Jhonen's killer, Dib and Zim had apparently been turned back to normal on their own, and what was going to happen soon with Gaz would be something that the powerful little girl could take care of herself. Things were really working out for him now.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…As the Vampire Piggy Hunter raised his glowing sword, cape swirling in the air as he narrowed his eyes, standing before the front gate of the dark castle. He saw a flare in the sky as a vampire piggy soared at him, glowing like a fireball as it hurled towards him, the first of many that were soon on their way, snarling and hissing.</p>
      <p>The Vampire Piggy Hunter shot out bolts of energy out of sword, blasting a couple of the vampire piggies out of the sky. Unfortunately now a large group of them circled around him, firing LASERS from their eyes! Leaping backwards, VPH dodged the shots, then held his sword up, reflecting several blasts right back at the piggies, who stood there, confused for a moment…</p>
      <p>Then they all swarmed at him! And unfortunately though he swung his sword left and right he couldn't take them ALL on, and soon he was buried underneath a large pile of vampire piggies as the words "GAME OVER" appeared on the screen of Gaz's game slave. She frowned as Dib, sitting next to her on the couch, read "Crazy Spooky's Interview with Bigfoot".</p>
      <p>"Stupid blood pig!"</p>
      <p>"Come on! Big foot would never say that!" Dib complained, whacking the magazine with his hand, frowning.</p>
      <p>Gaz turned and glared at him. "Why do you have to read that in here? I'm trying to play a game!"</p>
      <p>"I'm here because Mysterious Mysteries is on in five minutes!" Dib told her.</p>
      <p>Then the TV came to life, and an announcement began to play. "The vampire piggies are back!"</p>
      <p>Gaz's eyes widened, opening his eyes. "What?"</p>
      <p>"And this time, they're back by the awesome power of the Game Slave 2!" The TV announcer spoke, as an image of three vampire piggies hovered over the sun. Then the VPH appeared, slashing one of the vampire piggies with his sword. The graphics were a LOT better than the first Game Slave, true.</p>
      <p>"Are you still playing your old obsolete game slave 1? Why!? What's wrong with you!?" The TV announcer demanded. The commercial screen then dripped with blood, showing off the castle gates with the words "Vampire Piggy Hunter".</p>
      <p>"Have we offended you some how? Huh? Huh? Huh?" The announcer shouted.</p>
      <p>Dib frowned. Ugh. As if Gaz didn't spend ENOUGH time thinking about vampire piggies!</p>
      <p>Then the words "In Stores Now" appeared on the screen. "On sale for 19.99 at all "Digital Fun Pit" locations! Lines are forming NOW!" The announcer spoke as the words "Game Slave 2" appeared on the screen in hot rod flames.</p>
      <p>Gaz tossed her Game Slave to the side and it flew straight into the kitchen and past Prof. Membrane, who was looking into the fridge. He looked up to see it break against the wall, it's pieces sliding into a trash bin below as ghostly spirits arose from the wreckage. Gaz then hopped off the couch, walked off, then came back into the living room, dressed in her stealth suit and holding a bat. This she vowed:</p>
      <p>
        <strong>A GAME SLAVE 2 WOULD BE HERS BEFORE SUNRISE!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"Wait, where do you think you're going?" Prof. Membrane asked, coming into the living room as Dib started to watch "Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery".</p>
      <p>"To the mall. Game Slave 2 goes on sale at midnight. I <strong>need</strong> one." Gaz explained.</p>
      <p>"Oh. Okay then, have fun. Just one thing." He added, holding up a finger. "Take your brother with you."</p>
      <p>Gaz grunted. "Daaaaad!"</p>
      <p>"It can be dangerous out there." Prof. Membrane insisted.</p>
      <p>"That's what the BAT'S for." Gaz explained, holding the bat up in the air.</p>
      <p>TWHOMP! A mechanical arm lowered from the ceiling, snatching the bat from Gaz. "<em>Awwww</em>!" She groaned.</p>
      <p>"I've been waiting all night to see this! She can wait to get her stupid game!" Dib protested, folding his arms across his chest.</p>
      <p>"Son, video games develop hand eye coordination, and make kids into better human beings!" Prof. Membrane insisted.</p>
      <p>Dib sighed. "<em>Okay</em>... But <strong>only</strong> after the show is over." He insisted.</p>
      <p>"You STINK!" Gaz snapped. But she knew that this was one argument she WASN'T going to win. Nevertheless, she vowed to make him pay SOMEHOW.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…"I'm the son of rage and love, Jesus of Suburbia, from the Bible of "None of the Above"…" White sang as he looked through the "Anarchist's Cookbook". He peeked his head over the book and waved at Gaz. "Hey Gaz!"</p>
      <p>"Mr. White? Where's the line for the Digital Fun Pit?" Gaz asked.</p>
      <p>"Thataway, Gazeline." White said, pointing to the right.</p>
      <p>Gaz's eyes widened as she saw the ENORMOUS line stretching out from the Digital Fun pit at the second floor and ALLLL the way to the first floor. At the store a banner was hanging over the entrance which read "GAME SLAVE". Gaz groaned at the size of the line, then glared angrily at Dib, clenching her fists, her pupils vanishing in fury.</p>
      <p>"It was a... really good episode..." Dib gulped.</p>
      <p>FWOOOM! For a moment the whole place turned a fiery pit of hell before at last it returned to normal and a big smirk appeared on Gaz's face. "Hey, Dib. I think I saw a Chupacabra or something going into that parking garage." She sniggered.</p>
      <p>Dib's eyes widened. "A Chupacabra? But there isn't a goat to feed on for MILES!" He immediately ran towards the door marked "parking lot". Gaz smirked, then headed back to the line. Soon, however, a kid with messy brown hair and a big yellow/orange t-shirt appeared near her. His eyes seemed to pop out of his sockets and his heart was a-thumping in his chest, showing off a flaming vampire piggy that was ON said t-shirt. Obviously he was a BIG fan of "VPH".</p>
      <p>"Hey, is this the line for the GS2!?" He inquired, getting spit on her face, which she wiped off.</p>
      <p>"Yes..." She muttered.</p>
      <p>Iggins pulled on his face. " Cool! As probably the best gamer in the city I had to get the Japanese GS2 a few months ago, but I needed this version because they included a new level... for the American release, the zombie hog level. My name's Iggins, what's yours?"</p>
      <p>"…Gaz."</p>
      <p>"That's a funny name." Iggins remarked.</p>
      <p>"It's short for Gazeline or Gazoline, depending on the spelling." She explained as Iggins tugged on his ears.</p>
      <p>"Your gonna love the new piggy hunter!" Iggins insisted.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, a burly man at the front of the Digital Fun pit was looking at the clerk at the register stand for the store, who was speaking through a megaphone.</p>
      <p>"Okay guys, no loitering after you get your Game Slave 2s." He spoke as he opened up the line officially and kids began running inside the store. "As soon as you make your purchase, one of our clerks will assist in attaching you to this pulley cable that leads to the exit." He told the kids. Poonchy purchased his Game Slave 2 and pranced around happily, LOITERING.</p>
      <p>THWOOMP! The burly man, who was nicknamed "Peaches", grabbed him by his collar and attached him to a hook that was attached to a pulley cable set up at the top of the store. He let go, and Poochy went flying down the zip line pulley, going into a tree. But…where was Dib? What was HE up to?</p>
      <p>"There's no Chupacabras in here! Gaz should leave the paranormal sightings to the experts. Now, where's the exit? Man, this place is bigger than I thought." Dib groaned, holding his head as he wandered around the parking lot. "REALLY big…"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Iggins and Gaz were still in line. Iggins kept going on and on about Vampire Piggy Hunter for the Game Slave 2. "-completed more mini-quests than are even in the game! That's how I know I am pretty much the master of all reality and all that encompasses it, because you know-"</p>
      <p>FIVE MINUTES LATER…</p>
      <p>"-and then all of the sudden, everyone is clapping when I beat the final boss! You know, I didn't think it would be so easy, but it was! it was totally easy! It was like completely easy!"</p>
      <p>FIVE MORE MINUTES LATER…</p>
      <p>"-but I've always remained true to myself, you know? I just gotta be Iggins, you know what I mean?"</p>
      <p>"…no." Gaz mumbled.</p>
      <p>The clerk handed Speegly his GS2 and the kid got on his knees. "Oh, thank you supreme being! Thank you!" He said happily just before Peaches grabbed him and put him on the pulley zip line.</p>
      <p>"NEXT!" The clerk called out.</p>
      <p>"Finally." Gaz gasped, waling up to the clerk, who looked at the empty shelves behind him.</p>
      <p>"Hmm…uh…that's all!" he announced. "Uh, we should be getting more GS2s in stock in... maybe a month or two! Thanks for coming!"</p>
      <p>Gaz began to foam at the mouth, eyes gaping wide. "What!? NOOO! They can't ALL be gone! I sat through Mysterious Mysteries for <strong>this</strong>!? <strong>There must be one left!</strong>" She sobbed.</p>
      <p>The clerk held up a GS2. "Well…somebody ORDERED one but didn't pick it up. If…uh…" He held his head, moaning. "Iffffff…ah! If Clarence Wong doesn't show up…it's yours."</p>
      <p>Iggins saw an opening. "Clarence Wong? That's ME!" He laughed happily. He shoved Gaz out of the way and pulled out some money, stuffing it into the clerk's hand and grabbing the GS2, skipping away.</p>
      <p>Gaz snarled as she got back up, an aura of poisonous energy surrounding her. Before Iggins knew it, she was RIGHT in front of him.</p>
      <p>"YOU'RE NO CLARENCE WONG. You stole my Game Slave. You said you gotta be <em>Iggins</em>." She growled.</p>
      <p>"I saw an opening and I went for it. That's how I beat the Katchukablorg in Battle Battle Footy Kick, and that's why <strong>I'm</strong> the superior gamer." He remarked, skipping away as Gaz shook angrily. He sang happily, skipping out of the mall and towards a car, opening up the passenger seat as his mother was ready to drive him away…</p>
      <p>But Gaz appeared AGAIN, eyes burning like dark fire. "That one is rightfully mine!" She growled. "I'll <strong>buy</strong> it from you, but there's no way you're keeping it. Not without invoking my <strong>WRATH</strong> anyhow!"</p>
      <p>Iggins frowned. "Y'know…you need help. SERIOUS help."</p>
      <p>SLAM! The car door shut and Iggins cheekily waved goodbye as it began to rain. Lightning struck the dark sky overhead as Gaz's hair began to drip down and a furious desire entered her. He had just CHEATED her out of her Game Slave 2!</p>
      <p>
        <strong>VENGEANCE WOULD BE HERS!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Three teens scooted by her on scooters, laughing. Gaz snapped out one arm and grabbed one of the scooters, the rider flying off. Gaz hopped on the scooter and looked out over the town. That GS2 would be hers before the night was out. Meanwhile, Dib was still walking around the mall parking garage, on level three. He headed for the entrance door to level four and looked around.</p>
      <p>"Hello!?" He called out. He saw a car that was close by and headed towards it, but it drove off, tossing a Poop cola can out a back window. It was THEN that red-eyed, hairy-looking people with clawed nails and sharpened teeth appeared. One of them grabbed the can of poop cola, hissing.</p>
      <p>"A colony of horrible rat people! Hey, do you know the way outta here?" Dib asked politely.</p>
      <p>Some of the rat people began eating junk that was on the ground. "There is no way out! We all got lost here too! And we've been here ever since!" One of the rat people remarked.</p>
      <p>"Everrrr since!" A female person spoke up, shaking her head.</p>
      <p>"No way out! There's no way out!" Another added.</p>
      <p>Dib folded his arms across his chest and gave them all a look. "<strong>Oh come ON!</strong> Getting lost in a parking garage did <strong>not</strong> turn you all into horrible rat people!"</p>
      <p>"I was once a MAN!" A female spoke up, grinning.</p>
      <p>"But you're a woman." Dib asked, looking confused. Maybe there WAS something wrong about this place after all.</p>
      <p>"You'll be just like us soon!" The head rat person laughed, drooling madly.</p>
      <p>"I don't think so. I think I see the exit over there! See ya!" Dib said nervously, walking off and waving goodbye.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Lightning split the sky once more as Iggins, playing "his" new GS2 headed towards the house, his mom calling after him. "Don't forget to lock the door and go straight to bed!"</p>
      <p>Iggins held his head up for a moment. "Alright, mom! Have fun at work!" He yelled out as his mom drove away to go to work. Yeah, she worked late. This was also her SECOND job, since Iggins's video-game-related needs were expensive. But what the now-merrily-skipping Iggins didn't see was Gaz pulling up on the scooter she'd "borrowed", a nasty glare in her stare as a monastic choir walked by, chanting ominously.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Koyaaaaaanisquanti…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Koyaaaaaanisquanti…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Iggins was now heading up the stairs to the bathroom, grunting as he took on a boss. "So we meet again, Ultra Pigulon! Prepare for <strong>destruction</strong>!" He laughed, heading into the bathroom to brush his teeth. As it were, he had a headset-like device that brushed his teeth FOR him so HE could continue playing GS2.</p>
      <p>SHA-BOOOOOM! Lightning struck and Iggins looked up into the mirror to see Gaz outside the bathroom window, dripping wet. "WHAT?!" He gasped, turning around…</p>
      <p>And she was gone.</p>
      <p>"…ah, I must be tired. But I've reached the new level!" He laughed happily, looking down at "his" GS2. "I'm ALMOST at the-"</p>
      <p>He turned around and saw writing in the mirror.</p>
      <p>"The…game…is…mine." Iggins read. "AAAH!" he gasped.</p>
      <p>BA-BOOOM! Lighting flashed again and he turned to see Gaz was at the window.</p>
      <p>"AAAA-wait…how did you write THAT if you're out…" He turned back to the mirror, then back to the window…but Gaz was gone. "Huh?"</p>
      <p>BA-WHOOM! Gaz was now jutting out from the left side of the window.</p>
      <p>"AAAA!" Iggins screamed.</p>
      <p>BA-WHOOM! Now the RIGHT side!</p>
      <p>"AAAAA!"</p>
      <p>BA-WHOOOM! Now upside-down!</p>
      <p>"AAAAAAAAA!" Iggins cried out like a little girl, shaking madly as she disappeared AGAIN. He ran to the window and looked outside and saw…she wasn't there.</p>
      <p>But then he could hear immense…IMMENSE pounding. Coming from…</p>
      <p>The FRONT DOOR.</p>
      <p>"Oh noooo…" He gasped. <em>"I didn't lock it!"</em> He realized.</p>
      <p>The door handle jiggled, and then…she stepped inside.</p>
      <p>"The Game Slave 2, give it to me!" She demanded, pointing at Iggins.</p>
      <p>"YAAAGH!" Iggins cried out, rushing to the closet and panting heavily as the headset device he'd been wearing was dropped to the ground by sheer force of shock. Then he looked down at "his" GS2 and saw the words "Battery Low" were present on the screen.</p>
      <p>"Oh no! The power's low…but I haven't reached the save point yet! I HAFTA see the zombie hog!" He groaned. "Need…batteries…" He gasped, tugging on his shirt collar.</p>
      <p>Then he heard her walking by, growling like a zombie pig. He held his breath and waited…and eventually she passed by the door. As soon as she was far away enough he RAN for it, heading for the living room, sobbing in fear. "BATTERIES! MUST…FIND…BATTERIES!"</p>
      <p>He reached the purple-painted living room and picked up the remote control for the TV seeing…</p>
      <p>THE BATTERIES…GONE!</p>
      <p>He ran to his room, heading for his desk and grabbed a toy monkey that played the cymbals, but he saw that batteries for THOSE were taken too! He tossed it to the side and groaned. "Monkey, why have you betrayed me!?"</p>
      <p>He ran to his computer to go the emergency batteries that were always kept in the special glass container nearby…</p>
      <p>THEY were gone as well. "No…" Iggins gasped. "Nooo…NOOOOO!"</p>
      <p>He ran to the bathroom…the hair dryer! THAT had to-</p>
      <p>AAA! Gaz was inside the bathroom and she growled. "Looking for THESE?" She asked, holding an entire bag of batteries over the toilet bowl below.</p>
      <p>"I need those! Save point... so close..." Iggins begge.d</p>
      <p>Gaz pointed at him with her other hand, eyes narrowed even MORE than usual, and THAT was sayin' something. "What you NEED is to give the Game Slave to me <strong>or I will plunge you into a nightmare world from which there is no waking!</strong>" She promised darkly. "What you did was CHEATING in taking that Game Slave 2. I CAN'T get behind cheating…but REVENGE…" She smirked evilly as poisonous flames arose around her. "THAT'S a different story!"</p>
      <p>Iggins could only come up with ONE response to that threat. "But... I'm a better gamer than you!" He whined.</p>
      <p>Gaz's right eye popped open in surprise/anger. "I'm a better gamer"!? Oh, he was SO asking for it. "Fine…I HOPE YOU LIKE NIGHTMARE WORLDS!" Gaz roared, dropping the bag straight in.</p>
      <p>KA-THWOOOOM! Electricity shot out through the air, right out of the toilet!</p>
      <p>"It's MADNESS…<strong>MADNESS!</strong>" Iggins cried out as the entire house shook violently.</p>
      <p>Gaz smirked. "THIS…is REVENGE." She laughed evilly.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SUPER-HAPPY-MID-STORY-AUTHOR'S NOTE!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Nick appears in the middle of a big, pink background, riding atop a unicorn. "Lemme guess…you were all expecting some stupid "<strong>300</strong>" joke, right? They're SO overdone! That "This is Sparta" joke has RUINED the movie for me!" He then laughs and turned to Kelsey, who was riding behind him. "Now then Kelsey, onward we shall go…to the Land of Milk and Cookies to see princesses who look like Madonna with their hair actually combed!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Iggins had RUN for his life to the "Battery Tower" building, the one place he knew he'd be able to get batteries. It was over fifty stories high and had battery-shaped elevators on all sides. Running inside, he headed into the futuristic-looking building and up to a clerk, who was sitting behind a booth shaped like…you guessed it…a battery. She was a dark-haired, pink-sunglasses wearing woman who looked QUITE bored.</p>
      <p>"WHERE ARE THE BATTERIES?!" Iggins begged. "DOUBLE A?!"</p>
      <p>"Batteries? 50th floor." She said, jabbing her thumb at an elevator.</p>
      <p>Iggins ran into the battery-shaped elevator and struck the button for the fiftieth floor over and over and over and OVER, panting and squealing like a pig, eyes bugging out more than usual. The elevator button popped out of it's socket and struck his head and the elevator ZOOMED up at top speed, making Iggins sigh in relief. There was no WAY that creepy Gaz could catch up to him NOW!</p>
      <p>…then the elevator shot PAST the 50th floor.</p>
      <p>Okay, boys and girls! It's "Scream-O-Vision" time! When I say "Scream" in big bold letters, you scream along with Iggins? Ready? One…two…</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SCREAM.</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"AAAAAAAA!" Iggins bawled. Suddenly the door burst open as it reached the top floor and…</p>
      <p>There she was! Gaz had CLIMBED up the building and was now glaring at Iggins intently.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SCREAM.</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"GUAAAAAAH!" Igigns ran back inside, but Gaz followed after him and into the elevator, clenching her fists as Iggins hid in the corner of the elevator.</p>
      <p>"Give me the <strong>vampire piggies</strong>!" She demanded.</p>
      <p>"You're CRAZY!" Iggins shouted. "It's MINE! MIIIINE!" He cried out.</p>
      <p>Gaz's eyes narrowed. Then she headed over to the elevator keypad and slammed her fist onto it, as a purple light shot out, going through the keypad. Lighting shot out from the keypad and the elevator went into a FREEFALL!</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SCREAM.</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"MAAAAAAMMMMEEEEEEE!"</p>
      <p>Down and down and down it went! And then…</p>
      <p>"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! Take it! It's yours!" Iggins sobbed, holding it up. <strong>"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" </strong>He said, beginning to cry.</p>
      <p>Crying? Yep. Crying meant sincerity.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>PING!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Gaz pressed the emergency stop button and BOOMP!</p>
      <p>It stopped at the fiftieth floor! Gaz calmly took the GS2, headed onto the fiftieth floor, then flung the old batteries that had been in the GS2 into the air. She then tossed the GS2 up into the air, then used her other hand to toss some new batteries which landed RIGHT inside the GS2! She calmly held out her hands and caught the GS2 and then…</p>
      <p>It stopped raining. A beautiful light shone down around Gaz as a heavenly choir sang. "Ahhh." She said, her hair returning to normal, no longer wet. "The rightful order has been restored." She remarked, smiling happily as she began to play the GS2.</p>
      <p>But Iggins just snarled and clenched his fist. "You'll never be a better gamer than me! Play all you want! I'll always be better!"</p>
      <p>SNAP! The cord snapped and Iggins vanished with a cry of "ALWAAAAAAYS!"</p>
      <p>"OOH." Gaz shuddered. THAT hadn't been her work. She promptly walked off.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib looked left and right as he walked around town, glad the rain had stopped. He saw an ENORMOUS wreck and recognized said wreck as a "Battery Tower" elevator. He then headed by it, nonchalantly walking down the sidewalk, recognizing the street he was on and headed back for him.</p>
      <p>Therefore, he didn't see the arm that burst out of the wreckage. Iggins popped out, grinning wildly, eyes popping. He laughed madly and SOARED into the air, fist held up high as he laughed and laughed and laughed…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…it had been a day since Iggins had apparently changed. Now he FLEW to school every chance he got. Nick just took this in stride. He took a LOT of things about this world in stride.</p>
      <p>What he DIDN'T take in stride was what happened a few minutes after class had ended and he was meeting Kelsey in the teacher's lounge. She said she had a little something she had to give him.</p>
      <p>After handing him a quick note, Kelsey headed towards the door. Nick smiled nervously at her vanishing form before he walked out of the room and looked the note over…</p>
      <p>And as he read word after word, his eyes became wider and wider, his mouth opening more and more…</p>
      <p>…it was a "Dear John" note. She was breaking up with him because "my friends and I think you're too weird".</p>
      <p>Slowly his mouth closed and he put the note in his pocket, resting his body against a nearby school locker. He blinked a few times, then began to walk purposefully outside.</p>
      <p>'<em><strong>Till I finally died…which started the whole world living…</strong></em></p>
      <p>Nick opened up the doors of the school and began to walk down the steps, finally falling to his knees. GIR, who had been waiting outside the school for his master, seemed surprised to see "Mr. Ator", but didn't move forward, because what happened next stopped all his questions.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Oh, if I'd only seeeeeen…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>The last bell of school rang. Everyone piled out…and stopped at the front door. Nick was looking up at the sky, tears streaming down his cheeks as he sobbed.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>That the joke was on meeee…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Zim, Dib and Gaz stood there, looking at the whole scene, somehow unable to say anything…what COULD they say? What could they DO?</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>That the joke was on meeeee…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>He then covered his face with his hands, hunching over and sobbing before they finally fell limp to the ground and he just sobbed and sobbed, his tears falling to the ground as rain battered his body, hitting his form over and over with stinging needles of water…</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>That the joke was on meee-eeee…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>And the rain continued to fall as people slowly made their way around him, the roar of the rain unable to drown out the youth's wailing cries.</p>
    </div>
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<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Battle of the Planets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
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    <p></p>
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      <p>
        <strong>Author's Note: Sorry this has been so long in coming. The truth is that it woulda been up sooner, but I was forced to write this up all over again when my laptop's display screen gave me...THE BLUE SCREEN! DUM-DUM-DUUUMMM! In any case, this is a super-big chapter and I hope you enjoy it...and review it!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Tell me did you sail across the sun...did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded and that heaven is overrated...</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>BATTLE OF THE PLANETS</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Zim rubbed his eyes intensely as he awoke in the nursing ward, Ms. Sue standing nearby. "What just HAPPENED?!"</p>
      <p>"You were exposed to too much hair, too soon." Sue said kindly. Zim cheered up at the sound of her voice…Sue sure was swell. "In any case, you seem…frustrated lately."</p>
      <p>"Oh, it's just…" He nervously blushed. "I'm kind of…stuck on some ideas for…a project! Yes, that's it, a big project!"</p>
      <p>"Well, why not do one on Mars?" Sue said, handing him a portfolio filled with various papers and studies that had been done on Mars. "There's FASCINATING things there…" She added wisely, leaving Zim alone with the information. As he looked it over further his eyes went wider than saucers…</p>
      <p>"How did she GET this information?" He gasped out.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…How indeed! The dusty winds of the Planet Mars blew around the pyramid structures that lay on it's lonely, empty surfaces, with the "Face of Mars" just a few hundred yards to the side. Coming down from one of the structures to disturb the dust that had settled on it after so many years was an Irken probe, which was taking pictures left and right with the camera lens installed in it's system. It examined the "face" and the structures, then took a snapshot of the Mars Lander before shooting high up into the sky, heading back for home…</p>
      <p>It touched down in a backyard of someone who approached it, their large white t-shirt reaching down so low it thankfully kept those who might have been hoping for a peek at her unmentionables from seeing said unmentionables.</p>
      <p>Though she actually wasn't WEARING panties. Not that she needed them, since her green skin gave her away as an Irken, and her curled antennae and bright pink eyes made her a female. She knelt by the probe and smirked as she held up the film. "Ah, lovely! Now then, better get this developed and get it to my Zimmy-Wimmy!"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Aboard the Massive, which had assembled along with the Armada around the Planet Blorch, Red was waving to the "Planetary Conversion Team", an ENORMOUS crowd of Irkens which included all of the current invaders, many hopeful future invaders, scientists, soldiers, etc.</p>
      <p>"Welcome planetary conversion team!" Red said happily, standing on a hover platform above the crowd as he gestured at the large viewscreen to the right, which showed off Blorch. "Welcome to Blorch, the latest addition to the Irken Empire, and most importantly, the first planet to fall victim to our latest effort at universal conquest, Operation Impending Doom II!" He laughed happily, holding his arms up.</p>
      <p>"ALMIGHTY TALLEST ROCKS!" Someone shouted.</p>
      <p>The two grinned happily at this, leaning on the railing of the hover platform as Red went on. "So now we'll erase the remaining barbaric, slaughtering organics on Blorch and pave the way for…I dunno…oh!" He "snapped his claws. "Pave the way! Perfect! It'll be a parking structure planet!"</p>
      <p>"Woohoo! YEAH! Parking Structure Planet!" Purple cheered, waving his arms in the air. "With soda machines?"</p>
      <p>"Naturally."</p>
      <p>EVERYONE cheered at that.</p>
      <p>"But first, we'd like to acknowledge the contribution of one very special soldier without whom, this victory and those surely to come wouldn't be possible!" Red remarked, grinning evilly.</p>
      <p>"Invader Zim!" Purple agreed, as the crowd cheered.</p>
      <p>"You see, if Zim hadn't been exiled to the far reaches of the galaxy, he would be here with us... ruining everything!" Red added/</p>
      <p>Purple nodded pensively. "Yes, and we all remember how he messed up Operation Impending Doom I! Am I right?"</p>
      <p>"I don't." Somebody spoke up.</p>
      <p>"WHAT?! Seize that guy and uh…THROW HIM OUT THE AIRLOCK!" Purple shouted.</p>
      <p>WOOSH! Two security guards grabbed the heckler and stuffed him into the airlock. SCHWOOMP! Out he went!</p>
      <p>"That was the <em>wrong guy</em>…" Purple remarked. Then he shrugged. "But that's okay! I think everyone gets the point! Right?"</p>
      <p>Everyone in the crowd nodded quickly, mumbling "Uh-huh, sure, you got it my Tallest".</p>
      <p>"So let's give a big cheer for Invader Zim for being so far away!" Red ordered.</p>
      <p>"Invader Zim rocks!" The speaker from before called out as everyone laughed.</p>
      <p>Then there was a loud beeping noise next to the main viewscreen and Red motioned for everyone to quiet down. "Quiet, everybody, quiet!" He sniggered. "Heh-heh-heh. We have a little surprise for you." He laughed. "It looks like we're getting a report from Zim right now! Turn on the main viewscreen!"</p>
      <p>BEEP! The viewscreen changed from showing the planet Blorch to showing Zim…who was now in a bear suit. The crowd cheered happily.</p>
      <p>"Well, thank you! How very well deservant of me! Invader Zim reporting in, sirs!" Zim said, saluting with a big grin.</p>
      <p>"Yes, greetings Zim. Keeping busy, it looks like! Doing us proud?"</p>
      <p>"Thank you, thank you! Yes... Yes I am. I'm in a bear suit!" Zim admitted.</p>
      <p>More cheering, which made Zim blush. "Please, enough!" Well, the cheering died down as Zim went on. "I had a GENIUS idea and sent probes out to the surrounding planets to check them for potential use!" Zim bragged, placing a furry paw on his chest.</p>
      <p>Red "raised an eyebrow", even though he didn't actually HAVE eyebrows. "Uh-huhhhh…"</p>
      <p>"And scans from a planet named 'Mars' are intriguing. You can expect a full report when I have more information!" Zim told them.</p>
      <p>Purple nodded. "Why, thank you…Invader Zim!" He spoke up. He and Red tried VERY hard not to laugh. "Without your efforts out there the entire operation would surely crumble!"</p>
      <p>Red sniggered madly, holding his claws over his mouth.</p>
      <p>"Yes. Yes it would." Zim said proudly.</p>
      <p>"Let's hear it for Zim!" Red called out.</p>
      <p><strong>"INVADER ZIM ROCKS!"</strong> The crowd cheered, making Zim blush VERY deeply before the viewscreen turned back to Blorch, the transmission ending. Purple held his forehead as he laughed and laughed.</p>
      <p>"Idiot! Crazy-head! Ha-ha-ha!"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim got out of his chair and pulled off his ebar suit. "Ah…TRULY I am amazing! How could they not cheer the very sight of my progress?" He went on, heading to the elevator and stepping inside. "Still I am becoming impatient…" The elevator rose up, higher and higher as Zim went on. "With my incredibly subtle infiltration of this planet, and am growing ever hungrier to be the destruction of the humans. Destruction is nice!"</p>
      <p>DING-DONG!</p>
      <p>Zim popped up in the living room and approached the front door, then opened it up. There was a package with a small data disc inside. Smiling happily, he picked it up, then returned to the elevator and headed back to the lab, returning to the computer and entering the data disc into the computer. "Begin the data download!" Zim ordered, pressing the "ENTER" key on the keypad.</p>
      <p>"Accessing data from Mars probes!"</p>
      <p>Soon the data on the viewscreen showed off the probe's data, electricity surging through the wires as the data shot into the screen as it showed off the landscape, the pyramids', the face. Zim looked the probe data. "Hmm…some of this landscape looks unnatural as though nature was not involved in its formation! But the sensors show no life forms! Whatever wiped out these 'Marsoids' must've truly been incredible!" He said, wiggling his fingers. "Incredible enough…maybe, just MAYBE…to assist in my annihilation of the humans!" He realized.</p>
      <p>He pressed a button on the side console and an intercom device lowered from the ceiling. WOOP! He held the device and shouted into it. "GIR!"</p>
      <p>GIR was playing "Tea Time" with a pig up in the kitchen. He had cupcake all over his face and was pouring some tea into the pig's cup. "More tea Mr. Fluffykins?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"GIR!" Zim's voice called out. "GIR!"</p>
      <p>GIR put the tea down and looked around. "What?" He called out.</p>
      <p>"Meet me in the launch hanger!" Zim's voice said over the intercom.</p>
      <p>GIR sighed. Then he leapt on top of the table and hugged the pig, who blinked. "I GOTTA GO, PIG! SEE YOU LATER!" he screamed. His feet boosters than activated and he soared out of the kitchen…turning the table on fire.</p>
      <p>BAM! Lookit that bacon sizzle!</p>
      <p>SOON…</p>
      <p>Zim and GIR were flying up into space, heading off to Mars. "WEE! We're goin' on an ADVENTURE!" GIR cried out. "Are we there yet?"</p>
      <p>"No."</p>
      <p>"Are we there yet?"</p>
      <p>"No."</p>
      <p>"Are we there yet?"</p>
      <p>"Yes."</p>
      <p>"Really?"</p>
      <p>"NO!"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Dib was sitting at his laptop, talking to a bald silhouette. There were a bunch of photos from mars on Dib's desk as he brushed his hair back and spoke. "The camera stations have been there for years, Agent Darkbooty, but when they didn't find any life within the first week, NASAPLACE gave up on them. But I haven't! Look what I found!" He laughed.</p>
      <p>He held up a picture. "See, this is what one of the camera stations looks like! And this…" He held up another picture. "THIS was taken a couple of nights ago. See it?" He pointed at what was unmistakably an Irken probe. "Look up here! NASAPLACE says this is a thumbprint! That is no thumbprint!" He said. "And it's not a human-made device at all!"</p>
      <p>Agent Darkbooty spoke with a computer-disguised voice. "Hmmm... You've done well, Agent Mothman, but the Swollen Eyeball need conclusive evidence before finding anything as confirmed alien activity. Let me know if you find more. Darkbooty out!"</p>
      <p>ZWOOP! The laptop went to static. Dib shut it off and looked the pictures over as he headed towards the window. He held up one picture of the moon and looked up, measuring it against the real moon. "Sigh…the moon. It reminds me of Nick. I wish he'd help me with this…" He sighed. "But he can't."</p>
      <p>It was true. Nick had had a breakdown after Kelsey had left him. He'd staggered and spasmed his way across the cafeteria, wearing nothing at all…</p>
      <p>NOTHING AT ALL…</p>
      <p>
        <strong>NOTHING AT ALL!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"…wow." Gaz had remarked. "Is he singin' "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-ha"?"</p>
      <p>"Yes. Yes he is." Dib managed to gasp out.</p>
      <p>Zim, who was AMAZED at how much hair really was ON the human's body, had fainted dead away at the sight and had to have been brought to the nurse's office by the nice new Cafeteria lady, Sue. So Nick couldn't help…</p>
      <p>But wait!</p>
      <p>"What about Mr. White? He's got freaky powers too…"</p>
      <p>WOOSH! The scene cuts to White, who's cleaning his gold rims. DL stands near him, holding a bucket of soapy water.</p>
      <p>"No." He said.</p>
      <p>"Aw c'mooooonnnn!" Dib groaned. "Zim's going to destroy the Earth!"</p>
      <p>"Making sure he doesn't destroy the Earth is YOUR business. Making sure grime doesn't wear away my new rims is MY business."</p>
      <p>"And making sure you get a good deal on car insurance is MY business!" DL said, imitating the "Geico" gecko.</p>
      <p>"…aside from sneaking cameras and stuff into Zim's house, you're no help at all, White." Dib groaned.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>GIR had stopped asking if they were there yet and was now sleeping on Zim's head. Zim frowned. "Get OFF my head, GIR!" He demanded. GIR yawned and hopped off. "I have a good feeling about this lead that nice Sue gave me." He added as GIR curled back up and fell asleep AGAIN. "I can almost taste the humans being destroyed. It's delicious! This Mars holds the key, I just know it!" He rubbed his clawed hands together and closed his eyes, laughing. "Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ooh, new words of praise will have to be invented just so they can pr- GET OFF MY HEAD!"</p>
      <p>GIR had jumped right back on his head. He rubbed his eyes. "Ugh…moving along! The taste of impending human annihilation grows stronger in my amazing head!" He licked his lips and GIR, hopping off his head, did the same. "Ooh! We're here!" He announced.</p>
      <p>The Voot Cruiser skid to a stop and GIR flew out of the Voot Runner, laughing happily. Zim, who was now wearing his usual space suit, activated his helmet bubble and it became invisible as he looked around, GIR squealing happily as he floated through the air, flying like a plane.</p>
      <p>"Now, let's find out what destroyed the people who built this ugly thing!" He announced.</p>
      <p>SWOOOSH! GIR skidded along the ground, right in front of the Mars Lander, and looked into the camera, seeing it was making broken, whirring noises. "Awww, it's broken!" GIR realized. He tugged on the camera.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Dib was standing next to his dad, holding one of the pictures up as Prof. Membrane tried to work on something at his desk. "Dad, as a man of science, you at least have to admit that these pictures show something... freaky and of some spooky alien origin!"</p>
      <p>He held up the picture of the Irken probing device flying over Mars.</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane turned around. "I'll say it again! Those stations haven't been monitored for one simple reason! There are no aliens! None able to travel the massive distance to our planet, anyhow! You've been watching those transmissions since you were a baby with an enormous head!" He said, holding up his hands to demonstrate how big Dib's head was.</p>
      <p>"MY HEAD IS NOT BIIIIG!" Dib cried out, yelling so loudly all the lights flickered on and off for a moment.</p>
      <p>"It's time to move on, son! Real science..<strong>.try it</strong>!" Prof. Membrane said, holding up a ventriloquist doll of himself. Dib sighed and left the lab, heading back to his room and lying on his bed, setting up his laptop and seeing the four camera views of Mars. The first three showed more of the Mars landscape, but the last was all static…</p>
      <p>Dib frowned. What the?</p>
      <p>BOINK! GIR's face appeared on the screen, squealing happily. Dib gaped as the screen turned back to static.</p>
      <p>"What was…was that GIR?!"</p>
      <p>BEEP! Dib pressed a button that had the camera view go into "Fullscreen" mode and it showed GIR .</p>
      <p>"It's fixed! Oh yeah! Woo!" GIR cheered, doing a little jig. "Doo-doo-da-doo-doo! Doo-doo-da-doo…da-doo…da-doo!"</p>
      <p>"GIR, come here!" Zim's voice shouted. GIR headed off and the camera changed to show Zim was standing atop the face of Mars!</p>
      <p>"Oh man! I KNEW IT!" Dib shouted.</p>
      <p>Zim stood atop the nose of the face, looking around and seeing nothing new. GIR climbed up the face and stopped at the lips.</p>
      <p>"Ugh…This is pointless, GIR! This planet's a rock! A useless wasteland!" He crossed his arms. "Whoever they were, they left no sign of what wiped them out. They just left these stupid structures here to taunt me. I HATE THEM!" He kicked a nearby, tall-shaped skull. "I hope they all died-"</p>
      <p>Then he stopped and frowned. "…ew." He announced.</p>
      <p>"I can see up it's NOSE!" GIR announced in a tone that made it sound like seeing Mars boogies was the epitome of Nirvana.</p>
      <p>"GREAT! This means more time on that dumb backwater planet EARTH! ARGH!" Zim cried, kicking the skull into the air.</p>
      <p>SCHA-BOOM! GIR blew it up with his lasers. "I like blastin' things!" He announced.</p>
      <p>"Yes, me too." Zim said proudly. "But this means we have to spend more time stuck inhaling the stench of humanity! Filthy humans!" He roared, stamping around on the ground.</p>
      <p>BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!</p>
      <p>Zim stopped jumping and shot up. "Whuzzat sound?"</p>
      <p>SCHAWHOOOOOOOOOM! All the land started to shake as glowing light shot out of the ostrils of the face. The nose and mouth split apart, light shooting up through the crevasses…and GIR fell into the mouth!</p>
      <p>"GIR!" Zim cried out in horror.</p>
      <p>FWOOOM! Now the eyes opened as smoke rose out from under the face and strange metal devices extended from the open eyes. The nose lit up and thrusters extended from the nostrils as the separate pieces of the nose lifted into the air. Zim jumped atop one of the pieces, but two split up into FOUR, and Zim had to hop off onto the ground, watching in awe and fear…as did Dib.</p>
      <p>"Dad! Gaz! Come see this!"</p>
      <p>"Please! No more foolishness, son!" Prof. Membrane called back.</p>
      <p>"Your voice is stupid!" Gaz yelled.</p>
      <p>"ARGH!" Dib tugged at his hair.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim saw that the metal parts extending from the face had formed a seat…and a control panel! And bless his little metal heart, GIR was clinging onto that part. GIR hopped off and stood by Zim as they watched as something ELSE extended from the ground…massive metal parts that shot up from the ground like giants rising from sleep, encircling the planet at impressive speeds, forming five circles on the far side of the planet…and massive jet engines emerged from the holes!</p>
      <p>Zim and GIR clung to each other, trembling like leaves in the wind…but at last it seemed to be over. Zim climbed up into the chair and sat down, with GIR sitting on the head of the chair. As Zim leaned back in the chair, the control panel leaned towards him and a holographic image of a strangely-eyed being with a tall head appeared. He grinned in a friendly fashion at Zim.</p>
      <p>"Welcome pilot! How you doin'!?"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. "Who are you? What is all this?"</p>
      <p>"I am all that is left of my people, an interactive instruction manual for the incredible vessel you are now helming!" The being said.</p>
      <p>"So your people were instruction manuals?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"No-no." The thing said, shaking his head.</p>
      <p>"Wait…did you say VESSEL? This planet is actually a SHIP?!" Zim inquired.</p>
      <p>"Yep! My people worked themselves into extinction converting our planet into a navigatiable space vessel using similar technology tested and proven on another nearby planet!"</p>
      <p>"Ooh, what other planet?" Zim asked eagerly.</p>
      <p>"That's an excellent question! BUT it's not important right now." The being said.</p>
      <p>Dib, on the other hand, heard EVERYTHING. "Another planet?"</p>
      <p>"Why would you do all this?" Zim asked, gesturing at the landscape.</p>
      <p>"Because it's cool." The alien instruction manual said.</p>
      <p>"Mmm-hmmm!" GIR agreed as the thrusters on Mars activated.</p>
      <p>VAROOOOOM!</p>
      <p>The atmosphere went streaming away as Mars accidentally struck Phobos, one of it's m,oons, making GIR go flying around through the air. Zim carefully backed the planet back up…</p>
      <p>BEEP…BEEP…BEEP…</p>
      <p>CRASH! He hit Deimos.</p>
      <p>"Uh…I can fix that." Zim said, sweat-dropping.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Nick sat on the dark side of the moon, his cross necklace turned black by the cold as he looked out into the stars with bloodshot eyes. He didn't even have the heart to look at the Earth anymore…losing Kelsey had been unbelievably painful. She had been…she'd been warm and alive and HIS GIRLFRIEND.</p>
      <p>He'd brought her from the other side! From HIS world! The REAL WORLD! It had all been going so well…</p>
      <p>Where had it gone wrong?</p>
      <p><em><strong>What happened to those magical adventuuuuures? The places I had planned for us to go? </strong></em>Nick sang out sadly, closing his eyes tightly. He then looked up into the stars and smiled in a pained fashion, eyes clouding with memory.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Well, SOME of that we did…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>He then bit his lip and curled back up again. <em><strong>But most we didnnn't…and WHY I just don't know…</strong></em></p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Slipping through my fingers all the time…I tried to catch Life's every minuuuute…the feeling in it…slipping through my fingers all the time! Why couldn't I see inside her mind? So many times, so close to knowing…but she kept on growing, slipping through my fingers all the time…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Elsewhere, The Tallest were addressing the crowd on the Massive, speaking about the victory over the "Hideous, Unfit-To-Survive, Disgusting Slaughtering Rat People".</p>
      <p>"And so that's how they eat babies and therefore, we all need to give a great deal of thanks to the Invader behind this important victory! Who is none other than…uh…" He rubbed his chin. Who was it again?"</p>
      <p>"<em>Skoodge</em>." An advisor whispered, pointing to a hallway to the left where Skoodge was standing. He wiped dust off his shirt, then stood proudly, fists on hips.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>PHBBBT!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"Did you just FART?!" The advisor asked.</p>
      <p>"Sorry…I'm a LITTLE nervous." Skoodge apologized.</p>
      <p>"Invader SKOODGE conquered Blorch?" Red asked out loud.</p>
      <p>People in the crowd gasped. Eyes went wide. Skeptical looks were given as hover cameras zoomed around Skoodge…luckily they weren't recording live.</p>
      <p>"How is it POSSIBLE?! He's…he's…SKOODGE!" Someone exclaimed.</p>
      <p>Several of the Irkens looked at each other. They knew exactly how but had decided not to tell. Among other things.</p>
      <p>Red turned to Purple. "Uh... This can't be right!" He pointed at Skoodge. "I mean, he's nice, but THAT cannot be the poster boy for Irken galactic conquest. He's so... short!"</p>
      <p>"AND ugly! I mean LOOKIT him!" Purple agreed as Skoodge headed towards them.</p>
      <p>SQUISH-SQUISH-SQUISH! Skoodge walked towards the Tallest and saluted happily. "Greetings my Tallest!" he proclaimed.</p>
      <p>"Skoodge…why are you making squishy noises?" Red asked.</p>
      <p>"As the invader responsible for this planet's downfall, I get to launch the traditional final cannon sweep, right? Cuz I gots me an itchy trigger finger!" Skoodge said happily.</p>
      <p>"So THAT'S why you're squishing?"</p>
      <p>"Yeah. Bad soap. Apparently it's not supposed to be used EXTERNALLY."</p>
      <p>"So why is your FINGER itchy?" Purple inquired.</p>
      <p>"Well, I had to get it OUT." Skoodge said, nervously spreading out his hands in a "well, y'know" gesture.</p>
      <p>Red turned a sickly shade of green. "Uh…er…well…"</p>
      <p>"Anyhow, we're supposed to fire into the planet and blast a way to glory, ensuring that no Irken boot has to come into contact with any unsavory alien filth! Hoo-hah! Pelvic thrust!" Skoodge did a pelvic thrust, farting and sending himself a few feet forward through the air. "Stop on your right foot…DON'T FORGET IT!"</p>
      <p>"<em>Holy cow he's DISGUSTING." </em>Purple thought.</p>
      <p>Red quickly came up with an idea. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, well, there's a new tradition now!"</p>
      <p>"Man you're ugly!" Purple thought out loud.</p>
      <p>"AND I'm short!" Skoodge added.</p>
      <p>"But very agreeable." Red admitted.</p>
      <p>"Yes I am!"</p>
      <p>"Er…the new tradition is that you get to be launched as part of the cannon sweep!" Red announced as a hatched opened up from the wall, lowering a stairway into the hatch of the main cannon.</p>
      <p>"That's right! In ya go!" Purple said as Skoodge looked up them.</p>
      <p>"…uh…okay…" Skoodge said, shrugging. He headed up the stairs and into the hatch as Purple closed the hatch door.</p>
      <p>Skoodge crawls into the hatch. Purple shuts the hatch behind him. Skoodge presses up against a clear dome.</p>
      <p>From somewhere far away a head shot up. <strong>"Wait, WHAT?!"</strong></p>
      <p>"I dunno, I feel sorta bad about this." Purple said quietly.</p>
      <p>"Dude. It's SKOODGE." Red spoke up.</p>
      <p>"…you're right."</p>
      <p>"Course I'm right! Now commence the organic sweep!"</p>
      <p>
        <em>SKOODGE!</em>
      </p>
      <p>SHUDDA-BOOOM! An ENORMOUS cannon shot out from The Massive and Skoodge went flying through space, heading right towards Blorch.</p>
      <p>"No, no, NO!" He screamed, covering his eyes. <em>"I don't wanna die, I don't wanna-"</em></p>
      <p>A pair of arms wrapped around him and suddenly everything went cold…</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Purple pointed to Invader Grapa. "You! Your name is now Skoodge, conqueror of Blorch!"</p>
      <p>Grapa grinned as the cameras hovered around him. Things were lookin' up!</p>
      <p>Tenn, who had been among the invaders, sighed sadly as she looked at the view screen of Blorch. Lasers were bombarding the planet, HUNDREDS of them! Red and Purple laughed over and over as s—t got blown up left and right and soon enough, you could see what was being blasted into the planet…the One-Eyed Symbol of the Irken race!</p>
      <p>"AWESOME! Hee-hee-hee! Hey! Hey-hey!" Purple giggled. "Re... Remember.. Remember the time Zim called us and he was... he was covered from head to foot in meat?"</p>
      <p>Red laughed happily. "YEAH! The meat ended up fusing to his flesh, hehe, and he almost went blind when it invaded his eye sockets! Ha-ha! MEAT!"</p>
      <p>"Hee-hee-hee!"</p>
      <p>"HA-HA-HA-HA!"</p>
      <p>"Sir, the symbol's emblazoned fully into the planet." A technician announced. "AND we have a call from ZIM."</p>
      <p>" Oh, it's Zim, it's Zim, hold on! Hold on!" Red said, shushing Purple, who tried to hold in his giggles. Red was just about to put Zim on speaker when HE began laughing all over, unable to press the control panel's "Enter" button. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Okay, okay…I'm good, I'm good!"</p>
      <p>BEEP! Zim appeared on the view screen in his space suit, now piloting Mars.</p>
      <p>"Greetings Tallest! I bring more evidence of my unbelievable skills!"</p>
      <p>Purple snickered. "Oh? More evidence?"</p>
      <p>Zim grinned. "Yes! I've made an exciting discovery! The planet Mars…"</p>
      <p>He pressed a button on the control palent and it showed a picture of Mars. "Is ACTUALLY a giant spaceship!"</p>
      <p>BEEP! Now it showed engines sticking out the back of Mars, with Zim sitting in a cockpit at the top. "And it was built by floating heads!" Zim added.</p>
      <p>"THAT'S interesting." Red remarked. PERHAPS Zim was actually getting competent!</p>
      <p>Zim went on. "I'm going to fly it to Earth…" BEEP! Now it showed the image of Earth, who had a smiley face stuck on it. Where I will roll it around on the surface… "</p>
      <p>BEEP! Now it showed the smiley face had become sad, with "x's" for eyes as Mars was rolling around on top of the Earth. "Squishing all the Earth life and leaving it free for us to conquer without resistance!"</p>
      <p>Or…maybe he was still an idiot.</p>
      <p>Purple tried VERY hard not to laugh as an image of Zim standing on Earth holding a flag with the one-eyed Irken symbol over Earth appeared.</p>
      <p>"Prepare the fleet, for I will be firing the first volley in Earth's organic sweep tomorrow! Invader Zim signing off!" Zim said, ending the transmission.</p>
      <p>Red and Purple looked at each other. Then they began laughing all over again!</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE, Dib had run to his dad's lab, putting on a special outfit. "I HAVE to stop Zim!" Dib proclaimed as he opened the door and ran to his dad, who was STILL fooling around with a puppet.</p>
      <p>"So, Matty, which is better? Kirk? Or Picard?"</p>
      <p>"Aw, you know I can't choose!" Prof. Membrane told "Little Matty". Then he turned his ehad and saw his son was there. "Dib, why are you all dressed up? Where are you going at this hour?"</p>
      <p>"Oh, y'know…" Dib said.</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane used a bad ventriloquist act to speak through the puppet. "To Save the Earth?"</p>
      <p>"Yes. Bye dad! Love you!" With that, Dib ran out the door, shutting it behind him.</p>
      <p>"Sigh…My poor insane son." Prof. Membrane said, looking at this puppet.</p>
      <p>"My poor, deluded dad." Dib thought as he ran towards NASAPLACE. Unfortunately by the time he GOT there, he had lost much of his train of thought and was now screaming incomphrensible gibberish about the end of the world, green aliens, what he wanted to do to Zim and how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.</p>
      <p>The security guards just rolled their eyes and let him in.</p>
      <p>"Was that…um…eh…crazy UFO kid?"</p>
      <p>"Yup."</p>
      <p>"…eh…"</p>
      <p>Dib entered the main control room of NASAPLACE and looked around the room filled with the best in advanced technology…well, next to his DAD'S lab. The mission director was sipping a cup of coffee when he turned his head and saw Dib, spilling coffee all over his shirt. "AAAA! DIB!" he cried out.</p>
      <p>"I know what you're gonna say, but you have to believe me this time!" Dib insisted, holding up his hands.</p>
      <p>The mission director tried to sip his coffee, but it just poured down his face. He was already zoning out at the sound of Dib's voice.</p>
      <p>"Mars is a giant spaceship and it's being piloted by an ALIEN who-"</p>
      <p>The Mission Director raised an eyebrow. "Is this that Zig you always talk about?"</p>
      <p>"ZIM. Zim! He's activated the face on Mars and now he's flying the whole planet like some kind of horrible-" Dib stopped himself in mid sentence. "Wow, this sounds really stupid, doesn't it? Like something out of a bad cartoon?"</p>
      <p>"Yeeeeeep." The mission director remarked.</p>
      <p>"Well, I don't care! The floating head said that there was another planet, and that they modified it with giant engines! We have to find out which one!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>The janitor, a bald, white-haired, bearded man who was dumping the trash looked over at Dib with a glare.</p>
      <p>"Alright, let me get this straight. He's flying... Eh, hmm…" He rubbed his chin, letting the coffee spill out onto the floor. "What's he flying?"</p>
      <p>Dib pointed at the camera station to the left, which had a large number of viewscreens. There! LOOK! You can see him on the Martian camera feeds!"</p>
      <p>Sure enough, it showed Zim. But the words "Don't Look" were written on planks that were stuck over the viewscreens. Another member of NASAPLACE walked over to Dub and shook his head.</p>
      <p>"Sorry kid, since they cut the funding we're not even allowed to look at those monitors." He remarked.</p>
      <p>"Are you SERIOUS?!" Dib shouted. "Do you just mindly do whatever your bosses tell you to do?! You've never ONCE been curious?"</p>
      <p>"What's there to see besides red rocks and crap?" The lackey remarked. "Now if we had funding…"</p>
      <p>BREEEEE! BREEEEEEE! The alarms began going off! One of the workers who was looking at the radar yelled in horror.</p>
      <p>"WHOAAA! It's... ohhhh, ohh! I think it's an asteroid! It's huge! Eeeeuu! It's headed straight for us!"</p>
      <p>"I TOLD YOU! It's ZIM! Look at the screens!" Dib insisted, gesturing at the viewscreen.</p>
      <p>"Okay kid, do we have to go through the whole funding thing again?" The mission director remarked.</p>
      <p>"YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS!" Dib screamed, tugging at his hair. "LALILULELOOOOO!"</p>
      <p>"HA-HA-HA-HA!" Zim laughed, piloting Mars towards Earth. "People of Earth! Prepare to taste the mighty foot of my planet!" He proclaimed, wiggling his own foot.</p>
      <p>Purple and Red meanwhile, were playing with a model of Earth and Mars…with Mars being smaller than Earth as Red rolled the little model over the planet Earth. They were little mementos they'd gotten from Nick for Christmas along with a ton of Candy Canes.</p>
      <p>"I'm Zim! I'm squishing out all life!" Red sniggered. "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"</p>
      <p>"Hee-hee-hee!"</p>
      <p>BOINK! Red threw Mars and it bounced off Purple's head. This only made them laugh MORE.</p>
      <p>Dib, meanwhile, was infuriated. He STORMED out of the control room, angrily clenching his fists. "Fine! GET yourselves all squished! Why should I care!? All you people ever do is make fun of me and-"</p>
      <p>Then he saw the janitor standing there. "I believe you! I think I can help you!" The janitor whispered.</p>
      <p>"What are you gonna do? Clean me?" Dib groaned, raising an eyebrow.</p>
      <p>"The other planet you mentioned. You know, the one you said was also fitted with the giant engines? It can only be Mercury!"</p>
      <p>He pulled out a photo from his back pocket, glanced around shiftfily, then handed it to Dib. It showed a structure that looked a lot like a</p>
      <p>"There! The Butt of Mercury! A lesser known structure than the face on Mars, but one just as mysterious!"</p>
      <p>Dib held the photo in his hands, eyes widening, a shiny light appearing around him.</p>
      <p>SFX: Angelic choir</p>
      <p>"Yes…YES! This is it! Now how do I get to the butt?"</p>
      <p>Then he stopped and blinked. "GOD that sounded wrong…"</p>
      <p>The janitor opened up his closet and Dib walked inside, amazed at the sight of a small spaceship. "What's this?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"It's an old monkey ship, from back in the days when they used to shoot monkeys into space!" The janitor told him. He opened up the hatch and sniffed inside. "Ahh…you can still smell the monkey!"</p>
      <p>"But does it still work?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"Did all the repairs myself!" The janitor said, putting Dib inside the ship.</p>
      <p>"But…why would you help me? Nobody ever helps me!" Dib said sadly.</p>
      <p>The janitor grinned. "Let's just say…my eyes are swollen!"</p>
      <p>DIB'S eyes went wide. "Agent Darkbooty?!"</p>
      <p>"Out here it's "Clarence Fishmonger", but don't you didn't see anything…got it?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"Yes sir!" Dib said, nodding his head.</p>
      <p>FUDDA-WHOOOM! The ship soared up, shooting into the sky, going clear through the ceiling and making the security guards scatter in fear. But what of Zim and GIR?</p>
      <p>GIR was making a miniature "Face of Mars" that was smiling in the sand of Mars, singing a little. "Good morning starshiiiine! The Earth says helllooooo! You twinkle aboooove us…we twinkle belooooow!"</p>
      <p>"ARGH!" This is takin' too long!" Zim complained, moving the throttle back and forth. "I told the Tallest to bring the fleet tomorrow! At this rate we won't be done with our destroying by then!" He looked at the Earth, which was still quite some distance away. "Aren't there some BOOSTERS on this thing?"</p>
      <p>He looked over the control panel and…sure enough, there it was. Boosters. "I loves my new planet-ship. LOVES it." Zim said happily. "Hold onto something, GIR!" He called out.</p>
      <p>GIR held onto himself. Naturally this didn't help him when the thrusters on Mars shout out ENORMOUS blasts as the planet zoomed towards Earth at INCREDIBLE speeds! GIR was blown right across the landscape with a "YEEEEEEEK" and Zim kept laughing and laughing.</p>
      <p>FWOMP! GIR attached himself to Zim's head. He still kept on laughing. Then the Martian head appeared on the console and started laughing too…</p>
      <p>"WAAAAAAGH!"</p>
      <p>Zim sat up. That cry…it had almost sounded like…it COULDN'T be…</p>
      <p>He frowned, looking around. Then he shrugged and started laughing again.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, on Earth, people were screaming and running around as Mars approached, coming closer…closer! A hobo was standing in the middle of the street as people ran screaming by. "I TOLD YOU!" he shouted. "WE'RE ALL DOOMED! DOOMED!"</p>
      <p>Zim was eating a sandwich that had a little flat with the Irken insignia stuck in the end, while GIR kept piloting towards Earth. He'd told GIR to pretend it was a giant monkey and that the planet "Wanted to give it the biggest hug it'd ever had".</p>
      <p>"WOW, it' s big." Someone said back down on Earth. Now all the people stopped running around screaming and just looked up at the approaching planet.</p>
      <p>"Oooh!"</p>
      <p>"Aaahhh!"</p>
      <p>"Ohhhh!"</p>
      <p>"HEY!" The hobo snapped. "We're all DOOMED, remember?!"</p>
      <p>"Oh, right. Sorry." The crowd apologized, going right bck to screaming and running around as Zim took the controls again and GIR ate a sandwich.</p>
      <p>FWOOOM! Now the planet was entering Earth's atmosphere and GIR was roasting a weenie, which quickly got set on fire. Along with Zim and GIR's heads! Luckily the invisible helmet bubble protected Zim. Unluckily GIR now looked like he had gone up the chimney.</p>
      <p>"Now, slow into squishing speed!" Zim proclaimed, pulling on a lever and pressing a button. Slowly but surely the planet Mars slowed as people hid in the sewers and such, watching from underneath the drains. Meanwhile, a brown-skinned man with glasses named Courtney Lilly was drinking a "Poop" can when he finally looked up and saw what the fuss was about..</p>
      <p>"Huh? WHAT THE?!"</p>
      <p>FWOOOOM! It lowered closer…closer…now it was about to crush his can! Essentially, it was on top of Earth. And naturally, Courney was screaming his head off at the fact that AN ENTIRE PLANET WAS SITUATED JUST ABOVE HIS HEAD.</p>
      <p>"Oh no! Oh no! Oh ho! Oh no! No! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOO!"</p>
      <p>"WAAAA!" A little girl nearby cried as some ice cream fell out her cone. She put it back in and tried to lick it again and it fell out once more. It wasn't her day. "NOOOO!"</p>
      <p>SCHA-BOOOM! Suddenly Mercury knocked Mars clear across the sky and back out into space and Zim grunted angrily as he regained control. "Who dares?!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>"I DARE!" Dib cried out, now wearing a protective space helmet on his head. "Trying to squish the Earth?! Not while I'm around, Zim!" He was now piloting Mercury right in between the "Butt Cheeks", with some cameras placed next to him. "Don't tell me you actually thought you'd win this!?"</p>
      <p>Zim hissed. "Oh you horrible interfering Dib!" He snarled. "Taste the mighty doom of my moons!"</p>
      <p>Remember how Zim had said he'd "fix" the moons being knocked around? Well he'd done it…they'd been following Mars's gravity pull the whole time and now two grappling hooks emerged from the back, grabbing ahold of them and flinging them at Dib. SCHA-BOOOOM! The two moons broke apart and Dib grit his teeth as they impaced, pulling on some levers and flying behind Earth.</p>
      <p>"What? Where'd he go?" Zim said, getting a confused look as GIR floated around behind him, playing with a rubber piggy. Zim glanced left and right…</p>
      <p>And saw Dib was headed right towards him! He flew away just in time and wooshed through space with Dib right behind. GIR waved cheerfully as Mercury closed in on Mars and with a BANG they collided again.</p>
      <p>Then the two planets soared across the surface of the sun, making Zim tug on his outfit. "Too…hot…burning…up…getting…disco fever!"</p>
      <p>He flew up into space, away from the sun, Dib flying after him. Soon the two were neck in neck, with Zim's eyes narrowing. "You shouldn't interfere with a superior force, Dib! You'd've been better off just staying on your planet and getting squished just like everybody else! It would have been less PAINFUL!" He sneered, ramming the planet into Mercury.</p>
      <p>Dib laughed. "Well, you shouldn't of bothered coming to Earth because I'll stop you at every turn, no matter HOW terribly I get insulted! I KNOW that what I'm doing is the right thing, and that's all the reason I need to STOP YOU!" Dib yelled back, slamming Mercury into Mars.</p>
      <p><em><strong>"Do a barrel roll!"</strong></em> GIR laughed.</p>
      <p>Well, Zim did a barrel roll, zooming away from Dib and making himself gag as the g-force struck his face hard. "AAAAH!" He gasped out, heading towards Saturn. "Okay…no more barrel rolls…" Zim groaned, flying into the rings of Saturn and knocking rocks left and right, with Dib passing underneath. He then soared up, going directly behind Zim…</p>
      <p>Who smirked and stopped the thrusters. BOOM. The planet came to a quick stop and Dib collided hard with Mars, being knocked away, spinning. Zim cackled madly as he saw the thrusters of Dib's planet smoke and headed back towards Earth, humming to himself…</p>
      <p>But then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw Mercury catching up.</p>
      <p>"NOOO!" Zim cried out. He turned to GIR, who was clinging to an Irken flag he'd set up, "GIR! Go "take care" of the Earth boy!"</p>
      <p>GIR got into Duty Mode (Hee-hee, I said "doody") and saluted, his feet becoming jet packs as he soared up towards Dib and…</p>
      <p>Landed in front of him, pressing buttons on the control panel, which was just as bad as blasting him. "What's THIS do? And this? And this and this and this!"</p>
      <p>BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! Headlights on the "Butt of Mercury" started blinking. "What's THIS do?"</p>
      <p>WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO!</p>
      <p>"Back away from the car, motherf—ker!" A voice cried out from the console.</p>
      <p>"NO!" Dib cried out, gasping. "Get away from there!"</p>
      <p>"What's THAT do?"</p>
      <p>"What this do? What's that do? What's this do? What's that do? What's that!? What's that!?" The planet was now spinning out of control, going around and around and making GIR turn green.</p>
      <p>"Hmm…maybe that little robot isn't such a bad evil minion after all!" Zim said happily, grinning with pride.</p>
      <p>"What's it dooooo?" GIR asked, bounding up and down on the control panel with his head.</p>
      <p>Dib tapped his shoulder. "Hey! Go away!"</p>
      <p>"…okey dokey!" GIR said, taking off through the air and walking around on another side of Mercury. Breathing a sigh of relief, Dib regained control and soon caught back up to Mars…after all, Mercury was slightly smaller and faster!</p>
      <p>Zim's antennae sensed the vibrations of the planet coming closer and he stood up, hissing as he turned around. Grinding his teeth in anger, he looked around for some way to lose Dib…and saw the Asteroid Belt.</p>
      <p>"Ha-haaaa! Let's see if you have the piloting skills to maneuver through the asteroid belt, evil Dib thing!"</p>
      <p>Zim soared right through the asteroid belt as GIR sat next to Dib. "That's just stupid." Dib remarked, stopping in front of the asteroid belt.</p>
      <p>"Look at that cowardly human!" Zim crowed. "We'll see who's stupid when-"</p>
      <p>KA-THWONK! An asteroid hit Mars's surface and he shrieked like a little girl. Tons of asteroids began soaring out from all directions, one of them breaking off the cockpit of Mars, sending Zim falling to the surface of the planet. He ran to the Voot Runner which was still parked nearby and jumped inside, flying off, even though a bunch of asteroids banged up the ship.</p>
      <p>Dib laughed at this sight. "You might as well head back to your home planet, Zim! I've recorded this whole thing! Irrefutable proof of your existence! There's no way you can-"</p>
      <p>Then he looked to the right. GIR was gone…so were the cameras he'd installed. "That little robot! He took my cameras! Noooo!" Dib cried out.</p>
      <p>SOMETIME LATER…</p>
      <p>Purple and Red were looking at each other, the crowd all anxiously awaiting ANOTHER transmission from Zim. "Here it is… Zim's calling again. Are you ready for this?"</p>
      <p>Red sniggered. "I-I just started breathing again from the last one!"</p>
      <p>BEEP! The main viewscreen showed Zim, his uniform SLIGHTLY tattered, standing in his lab, hands behind his back. "Mission accomplished, my Tallest! I have rid this solar system of Mars!"</p>
      <p>"Uh, I thought you were trying to destroy the Earth." Purple remarked.</p>
      <p>Zim frowned slightly, then nervously grinned. "Oh! Yes. That! You heard wrong! This time I was trying to get rid of Mars. You know, just a little warm up before I destroy the humans! Yeah, see, I'll do Earth next! I'm an unstoppable death machine, you know."</p>
      <p>GIR swung by on a wire, holding Dib's camera. "AAAAAA-AAA-AAAAA-AAA-AAAAAAA!" He called out, imitating Tarzan.</p>
      <p>"Well, uh…Invader Zim signing off!" Zim said, saluting again as the transmission ended. The Tallest and the crowd of Irkens all began laughing again.</p>
      <p>"Unstoppable death machine! Did he say unstoppable death machine!?" Purple sniggered.</p>
      <p>"Just a little warm up! A WARM UP! HAHAHAHAHA!" Red chortled.</p>
      <p>SCHA-BOOMF! Mars flew by the main view screen, crashing into the Irken fleet. Nobody saw it.</p>
      <p>"Wait, wait, did he say <em>unstoppable death machine</em>!?"</p>
      <p>KRA-BOOOOOOOM!</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Nick wrapped a large bandage around the head of Invader Tenn, then turned to Skutch, who held his head as dark green blood oozed down it. "Next, next…"</p>
      <p>"I can't believe we have to TOUCH the same ground as all of them…" Red groaned as he held his patched-up sides.</p>
      <p>"I can't believe all the donuts were ruined…" Purple whimpered softly, holding the wrecked remains of a twelve pack of powdered donuts.</p>
      <p>"I choose to look on the positive…" Nick said. "I'm now just as tall as you are since your fancy hover belts don't work anymore, and patching up all of you after putting Mars back where it belonged has reminded me why I do this sort of thing…because I love you all."</p>
      <p>"I think I'm gonna <strong>plotz</strong>." Purple announced.</p>
      <p>"Well there's a bucket right next to-"</p>
      <p>"BLORRRAAAAUUUGHH!" Purple gagged out, letting loose three dozen cans of Grape Soda onto the floor and…</p>
      <p>"…sigh. You know, my shoes <strong>used</strong> to be white. they're greenish/purple. Lovely." Nick complained. "Next time use the BUCKET, P!"</p>
      <p>"Sorryyyy…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…somewhere far away, a fat, maroon-eyed Irken stirred, groaning as he stood up.</p>
      <p>"You feelin' alright? You got OWNED. Like a n00b." A being before him said.</p>
      <p>Skoodge blinked and realized that he was sitting in a room of a spaceship, staring at a glasses-wearing, square-haired being that had no nose. An Arcadian…specifically, Darin, a former scientist of the Empire.</p>
      <p>"My big boss dropped you off with us here in my other boss's place. Apparently he used his P0W3RZ to help you out." He smiled, standing up. "So first thing's first…you probably want to know what happened to your PAK…"</p>
      <p>Skoodge's eyes went wide as he sat up and felt behind his back. "Wh-WHAT?! Where? How!?"</p>
      <p>"Secondly…you'll want to know where you are. Well BOTH…are excellent questions! But I'll answer the second one first. Welcome to the main headquarters of the resistance against the Irken Empire! And you…are going to have to prove your worth." Darin finished, smiling broadly as he raised his hand and snapped his fingers, the metallic door opening up. "Come…there's lots to tell you…"</p>
      <p>"How did I SURVIVE?" Skoodge finally got out. "I was shot into Blorch…wasn't I?"</p>
      <p>"Well when the big cheese brought you in we thought you'd be covered in burn marks, but…" Darin frowned. "It was weird…you were all ICED over…"</p>
      <p>Skoodge blinked as he followed Darin out the door, but to test whether what he was saying was true he took off his gloves and felt his clawed hands…</p>
      <p>They were frigid to touch…a cold chill ran up Skoodge's body as he looked down at his hands. What had HAPPENED to him?</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Review...and enjoy this "Ask and Irken with Invader Zim!"</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Zim: Hello filthy huuuumans! What do you wish to know?</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>"What's that song GIR's always singin'?"</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Zim:...you're serious? Are you...ugh. Fine. I'll tell you. It's "Still Alive". The theme song from Portal! Happy now? Why couldn't you ask something INTERESTING? Maybe something about the glory that is ZIIIIIIM!? Why, I should-</p>
      <p>
        <strong>(Shepherd's Crook pulls him out of sight with a "YULP" and he's outta there!)<br/></strong>
      </p>
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<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Mysterious Mysteries</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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      <p>
        <em>Straaaaaange things are happening to me...straaaaaaange things!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>MYSTERIOUS MYSTERIES</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Nick had come to one conclusion. He had a void within him. An emptiness. It needed to be filled. It had been PARTIALLY filled when he'd gone to rescue Skoodge, and filled even further when he'd been tending to Red and Purple…</p>
      <p>Both of them had been loathe at first to let a human look them over, even somebody whom they felt a slight kinship with, but they'd ultimately been glad he HAD patched them up. Red had offered Nick a sandwich in thanks, but Nick had just said "Naw, you keep it" and had patted the two on their shoulders before leaving the Massive.</p>
      <p>He had a fairly big void in his heart. It needed to be filled.</p>
      <p>And he knew how to do it.</p>
      <p>Soaring through the air, his body glowing with a thousand colors, he felt a new sense of purpose fill him as he RUSHED through the universe, racing by planets and galaxies as everything blended into a rush of black and white until finally…</p>
      <p>He reached it…the center of this universe. And he knew who…WHAT…was there.</p>
      <p>It was a small, green planet with a small house with a white picket fence out front and some purple windows. He walked inside the open door and smiled at the inhabitant.</p>
      <p>"Hey Jhonen."</p>
      <p>"…you've had that moment, haven't you?" Jhonen asked. "I can feel it. You've got a large longing within you…an emptiness. I had that too when I first began to Create…"</p>
      <p>"Yeah, I know. Then you started caring about the things you Created. You filled the void. I need you to do the same with me. I can't…I can't do all of this in the same way I did before."</p>
      <p>Jhonen put down the drawing pad and took a sip of double mocha from his mug, then nodded. "Alright, Nick. I pass it along to you." He walked up to the youth and put his hands on his shoulders, nodding.</p>
      <p>And that was it. A transference of true power occurred as the whole universe felt a warm chill run through them…</p>
      <p>The void had been filled.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…THE BLOTCH sat atop his throne in a small, stone room, his eye twitching. He snorted, squealed and grunted as the Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer gathered around him, all worshipping him.</p>
      <p>The anchor for Mysterious Mysteries was talking to Yoa of the Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer, who was quite eager to talk about…THE BLOTCH.</p>
      <p>"And, like the alien said, 'go to THE BLOTCH! THE BLOTCH knows,' so I like left my husband and came out here to commune with THE BLOTCH!"</p>
      <p>" THE BLOTCH knows! THE BLOTCH knows!" The CBSS chanted as they sat around the fat, disgusting blob that was "THE BLOTCH.</p>
      <p>"What exactly DOES THE BLOTCH know?" The anchor inquired.</p>
      <p>"Um... The future? I dunno." Yoa said, shrugging. She coughed slightly. "It's eh, really hard to make out, you know?"</p>
      <p>"LEEOHLEEOHLEEEEE!" THE BLOTCH screamed out.</p>
      <p>"Oh yeah, he does that sometimes." Yoa said cheerfully.</p>
      <p>As it were, what I've been telling you about was a recording of "Mysterious Mysteries" that the anchor of the show, John, was watching. The African American, glasses-wearing, grey-bearded man sighed and shook his head in disgrace, muttering under his breath. "How come we gotta play THIS s—t? I used to LOVE this job…" He groaned. "Man, where did all the years go?"</p>
      <p>CREEEAK! The door opened and the producer, a fat woman in a turtleneck stepped inside.</p>
      <p>"Hey, got bad news. YOU'RE FIRED!" Then she laughed. "Gotcha! Just kiddin', you're not fired…" She then frowned. "But you will be unless you liven up the show! Good luck!" She added cheerfully, heading out the door. John sighed as Alexi Aaronovich, his assistant, walked into the room with some files under his arm.</p>
      <p>"I got 'em…all the submissions for next week's show!" Alexi said, the little heart symbol on his dark blue t-shirt standing out, adding a bit of color to the otherwise dreary dark blue studio control center where John worked in.</p>
      <p>John looked the files over. "There has to be something good here!" He groaned. He held up one file. "Hmm…an unusually fat baby? NO."</p>
      <p>He held out ANOTHER piece of paper that had a photo clipped ot it.</p>
      <p>"Angry mutant beef jerky. No! This is…ARGH!"</p>
      <p>He crumpled up the paper and tossed it into the trash can. SWISH! Three pointer!</p>
      <p>"D'oh, it's hopeless!" He groaned. "What happened to us, Alexi?"</p>
      <p>"We grew up." Alexi said sadly, looking at the ground.</p>
      <p>"This used to be fun…looking at the paranormal was second nature to us! Now there's no REALNESS in it, no…THRILL…" The anchor for "Mysterious Mysteries" sighed. "I mean, we had BIGFOOT tapes! Ghosts! Ghouls! Goblins! Even some magic stuff! Now…we have "THE BLOTCH." He shuddered, turning back to look at the view screen.</p>
      <p>"LEEOHLEEOHLEEOHLEE!" THE BLOTCH cried out.</p>
      <p>"Well…" Alexi shrugged. "There's always that stuff that crazy Dib kid keeps sending in." He suggested, pointing at the door to the far end of the room labeled "The Dib Archives". This made John shudder, his eye twitching as he felt the scar on his face, the picture of Dib's smiling face burnt into his brain….</p>
      <p>"No…NO! Not after what happened LAST TIME!" John groaned.</p>
      <p>Then he looked at the next file in the pile. "PIGFOOT? This is RIDCULOUS!" he looked from the file to "The Dib Archives. The file…Dib Archives. The file…</p>
      <p>He made his choice. He walked inside the closet and looked around the enormous room, which had enormous stacks of boxes left and right. He finally saw something on the floor…a disc in a red container. He picked it up and sighed. "It's got to be better than Pigfoot!" He said, heading back into the main control room.</p>
      <p>He put it into the slot and…</p>
      <p>He gasped. "Yes…YES! GET THE VAN!" He called out to Alexi. "I think we've GOT something!" He said, grinning.</p>
      <p>AND SO…THAT NIGHT…</p>
      <p>"<strong>Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery! Now…harder hitting…faster paced…and even more mysterious!"</strong></p>
      <p>The anchor stood on the set of "Mysterious Mysteries" which was bathed in white and blue light. Five chairs were situated on a slightly-rasied platform with cameras all around, and several large television screens were located on the wall in the back, showing pictures of a troll-like being walking around the forest in his undies, the Loch Ness Monster and a UFO.</p>
      <p>"Are we alone in the universe?" The anchor asked as a screen lowered behind him. "Tonight we'll show you some intriguing video that may just answer that vexing question!" He told the audience.</p>
      <p>BZZT! The view screen of the TV now played a tape form a hand-held video camera that showed nothing but the bushes at first…but then a pair of hands pushed the bushes aside. Zim was exposed, out of his disguise just like GIR, who was sitting atop a branch and looking at a what appeared to be a firefly. GIR was squealing happily as he looked the light over but Zim was muttering slightly hard to hear…</p>
      <p>And then Dib spoke up, making Zim and GIR look RIGHT into the camera lens.</p>
      <p>"Look, Gaz! You're my witness! He <strong>is</strong> an alien! I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!" Dib's voice proclaimed.</p>
      <p>BOOM! The camera suddenly fell to the ground and went into static…</p>
      <p>And now it showed footage of the anchor standing outside of Dib's house.</p>
      <p>"Thanks to a horribly large headed boy named Dib-"</p>
      <p>"MY HEAD IS NOT BIG!" Dib shouted from inside his house.</p>
      <p>"We have a new piece in the puzzle that is the search for alien life! I set out to investigate!"</p>
      <p>John the anchor headed to the front door of the Membrane household. "Kids play without fear in the streets of this humble hamlet! In fact, it's the kind of place where you don't even have to lock the door!"</p>
      <p>To prove this, he opened the door. Gaz was sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and watching TV.</p>
      <p>Gaz's eyes widened in shock/fear for a moment. "Who are you?! Get outta my house!" She shouted, throwing the bowl of popcorn at the anchor, who had VERY quick reflexes and was able to duck. Unfortunately the cameraman wasn't so lucky and it whacked him in the head.</p>
      <p>"EEEOWWW!" he groaned, and the audience heard bleeps as he swore visibly. Then Dib ran up to John, eyes wide with joy.</p>
      <p>"Oh, wow! You're <strong>here</strong>! I knew one day you'd come! I knew it!" He said happily.</p>
      <p>BZZT! Now the audience was treated to touching home videos of Dib and Gaz as kids. Dib was playing with blocks.</p>
      <p>"Young Dib has been chronicling the paranormal nearly all of his brief life." John's voice over told the audience as Dib spelled out "Aliens" with the blocks. Gaz, walking by, frowned at this and kicked the blocks over. Then a bunch of photos were shown to the audience, courtesy of Dib. One was of Zim sitting at his desk, twiddling his thumbs…the other was of him all alone at the cafeteria, looking at a tray of food, another of him trying, in vain, to drag a strange dog of some kind down the sidewalk…</p>
      <p>"So, when a green kid claiming to be a human boy with a skin condition entered his classroom, he says...he was prepared."</p>
      <p>The audience was now treated to seeing Dib in the Mysterious Mysteries studio, sitting in a chair. The words "Dib: Large Headed Believer" hovered over his head.</p>
      <p>"Look at him. He's so... <strong>green</strong>!"</p>
      <p>The anchor rubbed his chin. "So, help us…clear up what happened that night."</p>
      <p>BOOM! The screen went black as the words "DRAMATIC REENACTMENT" appeared.</p>
      <p>"I was monitoring some of the higher frequency radio waves..." Dib's voice explained as the screen faded in to show the set of a forest. "And it was THEN that I picked up an alien distress signal! So I went out with Gaz, my sister."</p>
      <p>Two actors who were portraying Dib and Gaz wal;ked onto the set. The "Dib" actor was holding onto a cardboard camcorder while the Gaz actress, ironically, wore a fake head that was made to look like Gaz's actual head. The ironic part was that SHE now had a bigger head than Dib. In fact, this begs the question WHY nobody's ever said to Gaz "YOU'VE got a big head", it's like the size of a MELON!</p>
      <p>Uh…moving along.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, Gaz is kinda my reluctant sidekick." Dib went on in the voice over.</p>
      <p>The actor playing Dib spoke. "We are close now! I feel it in my brain!"</p>
      <p>"By golly! What is THAT?" "Gaz" said, putting her arms around the actor playing Dib, who stood dramatically. For some reason, Gaz spoke like a Southerner.</p>
      <p>"Stand back, "Gaz"!" He pushed her back with one arm as the scene now showed actors playing Zim and GIR. The Zim actor wore a fake head, the GIR actor had a costume made of painted cardboard boxes. The glowing light was recreated with a light bulb hanging from behind the tree.</p>
      <p>"Look, Gaz! You are my witness! He is an alien! I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!"</p>
      <p>"Zim" then pulled out a laser gun which shot glowing purple orbs at "Dib"…okay, actually they came out from a little hole in the fake tree, but from the angle the shot was taken, it LOOKED like "Zim" was shooting at "Dib". "Dib" clutched his side, pretending to be hurt as "Gaz" screamed. "Dib" was forced to drop the camcorder and "Zim" dove for it, as did "Dib", and the two began to tug on it.</p>
      <p>"He tried to wrestle the video away from me, but I was too much for him!" "Dib"'s voice over protested.</p>
      <p>""Dib"…the GLOW…" "Gaz" exclaimed as the "Zim" fell to the ground. "Dib" grabbed the camcorder and stuffed it in his pocket, then raced up to the "light", knocking "GIR" out of the tree and tossing the "light" behind a nearby bush, setting it on fire…WOOPS! It was spreading, THAT wasn't supposed to happen! Luckily a "rain cloud" put out the fire.</p>
      <p>"So…they really were aliens? That's quite a claim! Are you prepared to defend it?" John the Anchor inquired.</p>
      <p>Dib smiled proudly."I think my video speaks for itself." Dib said humbly. "I am armed only with the TRUTH, John. As long as that's on my side…I'll be content."</p>
      <p>"Well, this young man <strong>denies</strong> your accusation!" The anchor said, gesturing as Zim, disguised, walked onto the set and sat in a chair next to Dib as "Jerry Springer" style-music played for a few moments.</p>
      <p>"What the?! What's HE doing here!? He's the alien!"</p>
      <p>"I came to put a stop to all your alien talk!" Zim insisted as the words "Zim: Alien?" appeared over his head. "When will the lies end!?"</p>
      <p>The anchor placed his hands together. "Well, Zim. I guess my first question is... are you an alien!?"</p>
      <p>Zim stood up in the chair and shook his head as the whole studio darkened to show only HIM. "LIES! THE FILTHY EARTH BOY LIIIIEEEES!..."</p>
      <p>The lights suddenly shot back on and Zim blinked. Sue, who was behind one of the cameras, mothed the words "Calm down" and Zim smiled his best "Bambiesque" smile he could muster. "I mean…no. I am <strong>normal</strong>!" He insisted.</p>
      <p>"Well, what about the video?" John asked.</p>
      <p>Zim smirked. "Lemme tell you how it REALLY happened…"</p>
      <p>Yes kids, it's time for another DRAMATIC REENACTMENT!</p>
      <p>"You see, I was out playing…"</p>
      <p>Now it showed the Zim and GIR actors back at the tree, with Zim shining a flashlight in GIR's face.</p>
      <p>"Yes, playing…like <strong>any </strong>normal Earth larva…and then HE came looking for trouble!" Zim's voice growled.</p>
      <p>"Zim" handed "GIR" the flashlight and hopped down from the branch. (Actually he walked down a ladder) It was THEN that the Dib actor appeared.</p>
      <p>"Hey! New kid! Gimme all your lunch monies!"</p>
      <p>"But I need these moneys to buy nutrients!" The Zim actor spoke up in a British accent, which Zim, on the studio, found flattering, making him blush a little.</p>
      <p>"Give me the moneys or I'll tell everyone you're an alien!" "Dib" spoke up.</p>
      <p>"Leave me aloooone!" The Zim actor said, placing one hand on his chest, eyes pleading. "I just want to play!"</p>
      <p>"Fine." The actor playing Dib growled. "Look, Gaz! You are my witness! He is an alien! I have him on tape! I have YOU on tape witnessing it!" He said as "Zim" cowered. "Dib" then put the camcorder down and rushed forward, shoving "Zim" down and making GIR fall out of the tree. "Zim" cried fake tears as two valves hidden underneath the "eyes" of his costume sprayed out water.</p>
      <p>"Boo-hoo-hoo! Nobody loves meeee!"</p>
      <p>"That didn't happen!" Dib growled.</p>
      <p>"He liiiies!" Zim exclaimed.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, you'd know a LOT about lies you-"</p>
      <p>"Calm down, you two!" John insisted.</p>
      <p>"You'll never get away with this!"</p>
      <p>"Silence, you tiny brain... head!"</p>
      <p>Dib clenched his fist. "What about that glowing thing? Look at it! That's no human glow! It wasn't any FLASHLIGHT!"</p>
      <p>"Which is why WE asked an expert!" John spoke up, snapping his fingers as a recording of Prof. Membrane began to play. The words: "Prof. Matthew T. Membrane, Expert" appeared over the professor's head.</p>
      <p>"I'd say it's possibly a weather balloon…or swamp gas!" He added, looking over the photo.</p>
      <p>Dib rolled his eyes. "SWAMP GAS?! What a load of-"</p>
      <p>"Dib's CRAZY!" Zim spoke up. "Ask ANYONE in our class!"</p>
      <p>"Oh…we DID." The anchor remarked as the TV screens cut to recordings of John interviewing one student at a time.</p>
      <p>Zita had this to say: "Dib? Yeah... He's pretty crazy..."</p>
      <p>Rob, clinging to his knees in the classroom, sobbed. "He told me my daddy was a yeti. MY DADDY'S NOT A YETI! HE'S NOT A YETIIII!" He cried, banging his head on the wall.</p>
      <p>Meelina agreed. "What's up with his head?"</p>
      <p>Now it cut to DL.</p>
      <p>"Dib says a LOT of stuff. He once asked me "Why I couldn't see Zim was an alien"…sniffle…what I wouldn't GIVE to be able to see again!" DL sobbed, covering his eyes.</p>
      <p>"Oh no…Don't cry!" John said quickly.</p>
      <p>"<strong>WAAAAA</strong>!"</p>
      <p>The camera cut back to the studio. Dib and Zim had crossed their arms.</p>
      <p>"Nice going, Dib. You made a blind worm baby CRY! That's LOW."</p>
      <p>"Well if you hadn't come here in the FIRST place!"</p>
      <p>"Excuses! You're crazy! Everyone thinks so!"</p>
      <p>"Oh COURSE they say I'm crazy!" The camera focused in on Dib as he went on. "That's what they always say about visionaries! They called Galileo crazy! They called Einstein crazy! They called the Orville brothers crazy! They called JESUS crazy for Pete's sake! They even called my DAD-"</p>
      <p>Beep-beep-beep!</p>
      <p>Dib blinked. "What's he…what are you DOING?!" He growled, turning on Dib, who was holding onto a small, beeping device that was slightly purple. Zim LOVED the color purple!</p>
      <p>"Calling your space friends!?"</p>
      <p>Zim grinned nervously. "NONSENSE. It's my medication!" He insisted, swallowing it and trying to get it down his throat, making his eyes water. "…boy…getting…well…never…felt…so…good…" He gasped out.</p>
      <p>The anchor groaned, rolling his eyes behind his glasses. "Come on boys! This is national TV! Some people's jobs are on the line!" he said, tugging on his collar.</p>
      <p>"This is insane! Look, you gotta talk to my SISTER! She saw the whole thing!"</p>
      <p>And so, we now see Gaz! She was headed down the street, walking calmly as the anchor spoke in another voice-over. "Tormented child with a skin condition or scheming demon from the stars? Misunderstood visionary or raving lunatic? Perhaps only this little girl knows! Excuse me?"</p>
      <p>Gaz grabbed a chunk of soil from a garden and tossed it at the anchor. This time he didn't dodge. "EEEOWWWW!"</p>
      <p>"Go AWAY!" Gaz complained.</p>
      <p>"I wanted to ask you a few questions about your brother. maybe you can set us straight on the whole craziness issue."</p>
      <p>Gaz faced the anchor and frowned as the anchor let out a gasp of terror…</p>
      <p>BEE-BOOP!</p>
      <p>And now Gaz was sitting next to Zim, the words "Scary Sister" appearing over her head.</p>
      <p>"Gaz, after what you saw, do you believe that your brother got proof of intelligent extra-terrestrial life?"</p>
      <p>"<em><strong>Intelligent</strong></em>?" Gaz looked over at Zim.</p>
      <p>How dumb WERE they? Gaz knew the truth. The real truth. Dib CLAIMED to know it, but his own pride was blinding him. But Gaz…Gaz had a different way of seeing things. And what she said next wasn't a lie, per se…but it wasn't a confirmation of the truth either.</p>
      <p>"No. My stupid brother Dib dragged me out to look for stupid Zim. He didn't make that part up." She admitted.</p>
      <p>And now… for another…DRAMATIC REENACTMENT!</p>
      <p>"Dib" was dragging "Gaz" against her will, whacking his head with the camcorder over and over.</p>
      <p>"Duhheee-duheee-dooyyyy…" He groaned.</p>
      <p>"Zim's" voice could be heard uttering the same dumb words as Dib approached the tree where the Zim and GIR actor were. "Zim" and "Dib" pointed at the light.</p>
      <p>"Shineeeey!" They said, laughing stupidly.</p>
      <p>"Duhhh…" Zim gaped out.</p>
      <p>And then the Dib actor cleared his throat and…dear God, do I really gotta tell you what he said? He did the whole speech…and then "Gaz" kicked "Dib's" legs out from under him, folding her arms and huffing.</p>
      <p>BEE-BOOP!</p>
      <p>Now the camera cut back to the studio as the anchor addressed the audience stoically. "I'd…like to thank you all for watching what will almost certainly be the final episode of Mysterious Mysteries."</p>
      <p>Then…hope. Alexi ran on set, whispering something into John's ear and making him sit up in joy. "Wait! It seems we have a surprise witness who was there and claims to know the truth!"</p>
      <p>GIR walked on set, out of his disguise, his face blurred out.</p>
      <p>"Oh C'MON! He works for the alien!" Dib exclaimed as the words "Stacy: Witness" appeared over his head.</p>
      <p>"Restrain him!" John cried out.</p>
      <p>FWOOMP! Security guards tugged Dib off-screen, putting him in a straight jacket. Zim began laughing as Dib cried out.</p>
      <p>"Do something about him too! This could be VERY important." John insisted.</p>
      <p>They promptly stuck a big, dirty sock into Zim's mouth and he shut up, folding his arms in anger and stewing in his seat as GIR waved to the camera.</p>
      <p>Gaz smiled. "Well, this has made MY day."</p>
      <p>"Now, what can you tell us about Dib?" John the anchor inquired.</p>
      <p>GIR made a sad face. "He's so <strong>mean</strong> to my master! He's not nice to Zim! I seen it! Dib is bad! Yeeheeheehe!" He giggled.</p>
      <p>"And about the night in question?" John asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
      <p>SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME DRAMATIC REENACTMENT!</p>
      <p>Zim was climbing down from the tree branch as GIR "explained" what happened. "You see I was the chubby lady hidin' in the bushes!"</p>
      <p>"Uh huh... And what about Dib?" John asked.</p>
      <p>"I'm on TV!" GIR proclaimed as the "GIR" actor used the flashlight to make shadow puppets with his "claws"</p>
      <p>"Yes, and then what happened?"</p>
      <p>"Well THAT'S when the giant squirrel showed up!" GIR went on, eyes wide, holding his hands together and shaking.</p>
      <p>"GIR!" Zim groaned, tugging the sock out of his mouth. "That's just-"</p>
      <p>"Let her talk!" John insisted. "Can't you see she's upset? Now then…don't you mean that Dib showed up?"</p>
      <p>"No, no." GIR went on as his actor shone the flashlight into the sky. "The SQUIRREL showed up first, THEN Dib!"</p>
      <p>And so, "Dib" and "Gaz" appeared. Dib saw the squirrel and started screaming uncontrollably.</p>
      <p>"Whoa man! What is that thing!?"</p>
      <p>"And THEN the squirrel ate Dib's greasy head!" GIR went on as the squirrel actor did just that. "And THEN the squirrel flew away!"</p>
      <p>FWOOM! Two cables lowered down, attaching to thwe squirrel and lifting him up into the air, showing him against a background of outer space. "After that, he went back to his home planet to fight all the bad guys." GIR continued.</p>
      <p>This is when it got weird. A bird creature and an axe-wielding mesh of a beetle and a turtle were sitting in a sandbox and playing as the "giant squirrel" landed in between them and sent the axe flying. Sounds of a quick brawl were heard.</p>
      <p>"Uh…what does that have to do with anything?" The anchor of Mysterious Mysteries asked.</p>
      <p>"That me and the squirrel are friends! Because we started to DANCE!" GIR laughed.</p>
      <p>The actor playing GIR grasped hands with the squirrel actor and they began to dance around in a circle, getting jiggy with it. The anchor blinked in surprise.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>The Future's up to you! So whatcha gonna do?</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Dare to be stupid! Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>What did I say?</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Tell me, what did I say!?</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Now EVERYONE began to do various dance moves. GIR actor and the Squirrel actor bounded up and down while the Dib actor did a waltz with the turtle monster and the Zim actor did a boogie that looked like something from "Peanuts".</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>It's alright!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>We can be stupid all night!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>C'mon, join the crowd!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Shout it out loud!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Gaz shrugged, then took GIR's hands and began to swing him around and around. Dib, hopping over to Zim in his straightjacket, raised an eyebrow.</p>
      <p>"Well?"</p>
      <p>"…why the heck not." Zim said, shrugging. Dib then did "The Crazy Porpoise" while Zim did an attempt at "The Robot".</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I can't hear you!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>DARE TO BE STUPID!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Okay, I can hear you now!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>DARE TO BE STUPID!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Let's go! Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>DARE TO BE STUPID!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>DARE TO BE STUPID!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>DARE TO BE STUPID!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Dare to be stupid!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>DARE TO BE STUPID!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>ONE QUICK COMMERICAL BREAK LATER…</p>
      <p>Everyone was sitting back in their seats. Dib had a blue staightjacket on, Zim was looking at GIR with a worried expression, Gaz just sighed, and GIR grinned happily.</p>
      <p>"…I'm so freakin' <strong>fired</strong>." John muttered. "Eh, um, well, the only conclusion I can come to is that Dib is crazy!"</p>
      <p>He looked over at GIR. "That one there? Definitely crazy. And I feel bad for the green kid, but there's a decent chance HE'S crazy too!"</p>
      <p>"…but not an ALIEN, right?" Zim asked hopefully.</p>
      <p>"Nope. Just <strong>crazy</strong>!"</p>
      <p>Zim grinned happily, placed his fists on his sides, squeaked in joy, and then walked out of the set with GIR, dragging him away.</p>
      <p>John grabbed his head and groaned. "Nothing matters anymore! Maybe I'M crazy!" He exclaimed, jumping up on the set and letting out crazy squeaking noises as Gaz rolled her eyes and left the set. Dib rolled his eyes as the anchor grabbed the camera and began to make snorting and squelching noises…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…John looked over the footage of that show he'd just done. "…we're SO canceled."</p>
      <p>"Are you KIDDIN'?" The producer laughed. "I LIKE crazy! Crazy gets great ratings! This might be the best show you've ever done!"</p>
      <p>John groaned and buried his face in his hands as the producer walked out of the development room. "I can't wait to see more!" She called back.</p>
      <p>"ARRRGGGHHHH!" John groaned.</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Abducted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams when I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension and soon I was abducted by some aliens from space who kinda looked like Jamie Farr!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>ABDUCTED</strong>
</p>
<p>Zim was sending out another transmission to the Almighty Tallest, singing as he put the final touches on the relays.<em><strong> "We wil find you acting on your best behavior, turn your back on Mother Nature, ev-ery-bo-dy wants to rule the world!"</strong></em></p>
<p>Meanwhile, Nick was talking to Red as they walked down a hallway to the main hall.</p>
<p>"I have a problem, you fruity-smelling hair-beast."</p>
<p>"My deodorant is not that bad, and <strong>c'mon</strong>. You gotta stop seeing me as the bad guy. There is not a single thing I haven't done to you that you didn't deserve."</p>
<p>"You terminated my internet access!"</p>
<p>"You threw ten people out of an airlock in a week."</p>
<p>"You got an entire battalion of Megadoomers to explode!"</p>
<p>"You were trying to attack the Planet of Widows and Orphans."</p>
<p>"You TOOK MY NACHOS."</p>
<p>"You put LARB in charge of Vort."</p>
<p>"Well why did you do THIS?" Red asked. They had reached a balcony that overlooked the main hall and Red gestured at all the people below. There, a HORDE of Irkens were in clogs, dancing around…Purple among them, giddily dancing left and right.</p>
<p>"I take it you don't like clogging." Nick said quietly. "To be truthful, it was Purple who got everyone-"</p>
<p>"Not caring. Fix it. NOW!" Red demanded.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim brushed his antennae back and went on with what he was trying to tell the Tallest. "It's amazing, really."</p>
<p>Purple was chomping away on a burrito while Red looked at Zim with a confused expression. "So you're saying most humans are dumb... yet tall. How is that even possible!? I mean, how could anything <strong>tall</strong> be <strong>dumb</strong>?"</p>
<p>Purple agreed, his mouth still full of burrito. "Yeah! Huh?! Huh?!" He then sniggered. "Can you IMAGINE? Huh?! Huh!? Huh?!"</p>
<p>Zim nodded. "I can assure you, it's really quite-"</p>
<p>DING-DONG!</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "Oh! The doorbell! Uh…hold on!"</p>
<p>Zim went over to a nearby control panel and pulled out a microphone. "GIR!"</p>
<p>FA-WHOOMP! GIR was deposited on the floor face-first, smoking. He'd apparently tried to cook himself a hot dog but had unfortunately forgotten not to leave the plastic in the microwave</p>
<p>Yeah, they were runnin' out of microwaves.</p>
<p>"GIR! Remember with your brains! You must behave like a human dog monster! Do you understand?" He asked.</p>
<p>GIR shrugged as he got up and shook the soot off. "I really don't!" He admitted.</p>
<p>"GIR…human dogs don't SPEAK!" Zim whispered nervously, glancing back at the Tallest. "You're making me look bad!"</p>
<p>GIR began twirling his arms around in circles. "Oooooh!"</p>
<p>"Go answer the door." Zim ordered. GIR saluted and began making grunts and squeals like a monkey would as he ran away. "Now, uh, where were we?" Zim inquired, going back to the computer viewscreen.</p>
<p>Purple rubbed his chin with his other hand, then took another bite of the burrito. "Oh yeah…huh?! Huh!?"</p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>GIR had gone up the elevator to the door. He stood on a special floor panel which lifted him up to the eyehole and he peeked outside. It APPEARED to be a human husband and wife. One of them had a nametag that read "Fred" who was the woman and the male had the nametag reading "Mary". Their "disguises" were really just sheets with human bodies panted on them…they were even worse than Zim's disguise! Their face-pieces didn't even cover all of their face, only the front! Naturally, GIR was too "out there" to notice this…so he opened the door.</p>
<p>"Howdy, squishy! We are here to vomit language with the young man who lives in this shelter unit."</p>
<p>GIR stared at them. "…"</p>
<p>"What?! We're not aliens!" The first one said, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"Oh, ALIENS! Ha! That's a good one!" The second one added. The two then began LAUGHING and what appeared to be green-colored TEARS began pouring out of their REAL eyes which were behind the face-piece/masks they were wearing, with some of the tears of humor getting right on GIR, who shook like a dog and just let them inside.</p>
<p>Red and Purple were still talking to Zim, wanting to know exactly how tall humans GOT.</p>
<p>"So how tall do they GET?" Purple inquired.</p>
<p>"Perhaps taller than YOU, my Tallest!" Zim admitted.</p>
<p>"And somehow…and I'm just tryin' to get this straight here…somehow they're DUMB?"</p>
<p>"Like the dull-witted Gasquiggasplorch!" Zim said, nodding his head.</p>
<p>Red rubbed his chin. "I see! FASCINATING…"</p>
<p>Purple sighed. "Yeah, it's fascinating, but I don't see-" Then the transmission got funny, and static began to cover the viewscreen.</p>
<p>"He.. hello? My Tallest!? Where have you gone!? GIR!" Zim roared out, stomping his feet. GIR didn't come. He frowned. "GIR!"</p>
<p>And so, Zim headed out of the laboratory, muttering under his breath as he headed up to the living room, putting his disguise on just in case. As he entered the room…</p>
<p>"GIR, the viewscreen in the laboratory's been messed with, what have you-"</p>
<p>He saw the aliens. GIR was sleeping next to the feet of the "lady", cuddling up next to it. He actually looked very cute!</p>
<p>"Who are you?" Zim inquired as Blue stood up.</p>
<p>"Howdy, perfectly normal human worm... baby! We are your new neighbors!"</p>
<p>Zim frowned and crossed his arms. "You're wearing COSTUMES!"</p>
<p>"Eh-eh-eh…no we aren't!" The other one said nervously, looking left and right.</p>
<p>Zim frowned deeply. "Yes you ARE! You're not human at ALL! You're aliens! Your stupid ship is emitting an interference field and it just interrupted a VERY important call I was having!" He complained. "Which means…for once, it wasn't GIR's fault! Wow, that's…new."</p>
<p>"Uh, uh, right! Plan 2!" The first alien said quickly.</p>
<p>"Uh-uh-uh…"The other alien looked around nervously. "What was plan 2?</p>
<p>"Stuff 'em in a sack!" The first remarked.</p>
<p>"GIR!" Zim cried out as the second alien took out a sack. "Defensive mode, quick!"</p>
<p>GIR leapt up, twirled in the air and…landed in the sack. Zim slapped his face. "For the love of IRK-URK!" Zim was stuffed into the sack, which was quickly tied up…and then a strange green beam enveloped the aliens and they vanished from the house. In a few moments they were aboard a large main hall of a spaceship that had a blue and white color scheme, with a big monitor reading "Today's Specimen: Human" near the ceiling.</p>
<p>The two aliens, who were named Blue and Green, tossed their disguises off to reveal who they truly were as Zim cut through the sack using one of his PAK's spider legs. Looking around the spaceship, he then looked down and saw an enormous, circular glass bottom beneath him that showed off the neighborhood. Zim looked at the aliens and pointed an accusatory claw. "Who are you?!" He demanded to know as Green sipped some juice.</p>
<p>"Foolish Earthling! You have fallen victim to our clever plan!" Blue laughed.</p>
<p>"He sure did, Blue!" Green laughed.</p>
<p>"You THREW ME in a SACK." Zim snapped angrily.</p>
<p>GIR calmly crawled out of the sack, blinking a few times.</p>
<p>"SILENCE!" Blue announced. He and Green were tall brown aliens with blue and green eyes respectively , and tall light green/brown bodies. They had two long claws on the end of each of their "hands" and were rather skeletal in body form.</p>
<p>"You have been chosen as a perfect specimen of the human race and will be added to our collection of life forms."</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "But I'm not-"</p>
<p>Blue pulled out a stick with red lights on it. He waved it around and around in front of Zim and the word "OBEY" flashed in the air. "SILENCE! Do not attempt to resist us! We have spent HUNDREDS of your Earth years harvesting the galaxy, haven't we? Adding to our…" He turned around and spread his arms wide, gesturing at the object of his attention as the word echoed through the ship…</p>
<p>"<strong>COLLECTION</strong>!"</p>
<p>HUNDREDS upon HUNDREDS of empty tubes were lining up and down the ship! Zim gaped at the sheer sight of the tubes as Green washed off one of them with a piece of cloth.</p>
<p>"Well, there sure are lots of tubes, but where are the "specimens"?" Zim asked.</p>
<p>"Oh, they escaped." Green said, shrugging.</p>
<p>"OH! Oh, don't say that Green! You'll give the human ideas!" Blue spoke up.</p>
<p>Zim took off his fake hair and contacts. "But I'm not HUMAN! See? It is only a BRILLIANT disguise!" He insisted, holding up one contact while the other one fell to GIR, who promptly ate it with a CHOMP. Zim tucked the other one away and shrugged in a slightly proud fashion. "I mean, I can SEE how one could be fooled by such an INGENIOUS disguise, after all, I AM ZIM…but really, I'm not-"</p>
<p>"You ARE human! We have proof!" Blue spoke up, pointing at the monitor above. Zim saw it change to a surveillance video of Ms. Bitters's class as Dib popped up next to Zim. "I KNOW what you really are, Zim!" He insisted.</p>
<p>Zim promptly leapt up on his desk. "I'm human! Yep! Human-human-human, lookit my neck!" He insisted, with the camera focusing in on his neck.</p>
<p>Green clapped along with GIR as Zim groaned, rolling his eyes. "I was LYING! SURELY you have heard of the mighty IRKEN race!"</p>
<p>GIR nodded.</p>
<p>"We don't get that TV show no more. I READ a lot though. It's better for you." Green remarked.</p>
<p>"I was LYING." Zim insisted.</p>
<p>"But if lies aren't truth, why would people tell them?" GIR asked.</p>
<p>"…you're KILLING me, GIR…" Zim groaned, slapping his head.</p>
<p>"How do you explain the DOG then, eh? Humans keep dogs as pets!" Blue remarked.</p>
<p>"Yeeeaaaaahhhh!" Green said, sounding like a teenage girl for just a moment. "The dog! SPLAIN it!"</p>
<p>"This is GIR." Zim said, gesturing to GIR, who bowed. "He's DISGUISED as a dog, you fools! GIR, cast off your AMAZING doggy ruse and show them your MIGHTY ROBOT FORM!" Zim proclaimed, holding up his fists in the air as he shouted "MIGHTY ROBOT FORM".</p>
<p>SCHA-WHOOM! Duty-Mode GIR, in slow motion, did a dramatic backflip and pulled off his disguise, landing on his feet perfectly…and then he turned back into his normal mode and waved cheerfully, squeaking.</p>
<p>"Hee hoo! Hi there!" GIR said.</p>
<p>"Well wouldja lookit that!" Blue remarked, raising his "eyebrows".</p>
<p>"Ya see?" Zim laughed. "Now if you could just-"</p>
<p>"What a SMART dog! Come here, doggy!" Blue spoke up, heading towards the tubes. GIR giggled and followed after, going up to one of the tubes. Blue patted him on the head, then opened up the tube, letting GIR hop inside. Blue shut the tube as GIR waved to Zim, who tugged on his antennae in anger.</p>
<p>"AW C'MOOOOOON!" He groaned.</p>
<p>"He will make a FINE addition to our collection, mmm!" Blue laughed.</p>
<p>"Could you just, maybe, drop me off?" Zim moaned, his antennae flat against his head. "I was TRYING to make an important call-"</p>
<p>"IMPOSSIBLE! We've gone past the point of no retuuuuuuurn!" Green said, clawing the air dramatically.</p>
<p>Zim looked down at his house through the glass floor and pointed at it. "But my house is right down there! I could probably just jump onto the roof!" Then he blinked and his eyes went wide. "Waaait! You're hovering above an Earth neighborhood in plain sight!?" He gasped out.</p>
<p>Blue tapped the glass of the tube GIR was in and gave him a look. "Do you think we're stupid!? We're using advanced cloaking technology, aren't we? Our ship is disguised and perfectly unnoticeable!"</p>
<p>Yep…it was disguised. As a whale. White was sitting in a lawn chair just outside with Kelsey next to him, the two sharing drinks.</p>
<p>"Hmm." He rubbed his chin.</p>
<p>"Is that an ORCA whale?"</p>
<p>"No, it looks like a blue whale." White remarked. "Zim's probably got something to do with it." He remarked nonchalantly. "But until he actually starts firing lasers in our direction it's not OUR problem." With that, he clinked his corona with Kelsey's and the two began drinking them down.</p>
<p>No, Kelsey wasn't old enough to drink. That was the point though.</p>
<p>Blue rolled his eyes. "Eh, but enough philosophy."</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "But, we haven't been talking about-"</p>
<p>"Let the hideous experiments begin!"</p>
<p>Blue pushed a lever on a nearby control panel and a mechanical arm moved along the edge of the railing nearby, lifting up a tube that was labeled "CAN 'O HUMAN". It lowered the tube down whilst Blue sipped on some juice with one clawed hand and whacked himself on the head with a duct tape roll with the OTHER.</p>
<p>PLOP! The tube lowered down next to Green, who opened up the tube labeled "CAN O' HUMAN" and took out…a gopher.</p>
<p>"We will begin by fusing you to another human being!" Green announced as the gopher wriggled around and squeaked.</p>
<p>"That's no human being! That's a <strong>gopher</strong>!" Zim complained. This was DEBILITATING! He was being experimented on by an alien race who had an IQ in the SINGLE DIGITS!</p>
<p>"STILL THY TONGUE! Begin the fusion!" Blue yelled out.</p>
<p>Green took the duct tape from Blue's claws and placed the gopher on the top of Zim's head, biting some of the duct tape loose from the roll…and then taping the gopher to Zim's head. Zim frowned angrily at this, one eye twitching.</p>
<p>"Oh, incredible. Incredible work. SUCCESS!" Blue laughed happily, "clapping" his hands.</p>
<p>"Thank you, thank you! Oh, what shall we do next?" Green then got an idea, holding up the juice Blue had been drinking. "Oh, let's fuse him with this juice!"</p>
<p>"No, no, I think we've already proven our mastery of the fusing technology!" Blue insisted.</p>
<p>"Oh, the juice! JUICE!" Green said, shaking it around. "C'mon, you know you wanna fuse him with it!"</p>
<p>Zim looked left and right, trying to find an escape as Blue began berating Green. "Look, I'm the captain and I'm sick of you always fusing things to my juice!" He snapped, taking the juice away from Green. Luckily, Zim had seen an escape hatch, and he now ran towards it. "Ooh, I know! Why don't we test how he reacts to having things shoved through his head!"</p>
<p>Zim's eyes went wide. That would KILL him! He tried to fit through the hatch…</p>
<p>"Shoving? No! No, his head's just begging for a juice fusion!" Green insisted, shaking his head. "Uh-duuuuuhhhh!" He insisted, making a donkey-like face.</p>
<p>Blue gasped as he saw Zim was trying to fit into the escape hatch and failing miserably at it. "The human is escaping! Stop im!"</p>
<p>Zim pulled the gopher off his head and held it up. "Run, gopher! "Gopher" help!" He begged, shoving it through the hatch. "Woah. This reminds me of the day I was activated! Déjà vu!"</p>
<p>WOOMP! The gopher sailed through the air and crashed into a garden gnome below, making it blow into pieces. The gopher then grinned and began digging into the ground to go find a gopher bar to relate it's experience to his drinking buddies. Soon the name "Lemmywinks" would be known throughout the gopher community!</p>
<p>Zim, unfortunately, found Blue and Green looming over his head…geez, they were just as tall as the Almighty Tallest, he realized as they glared down at him.</p>
<p>But luckily they fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book. "Look, a two-headed man on a donkey!" Zim cried out, pointing up.</p>
<p>They looked up. They blinked. Then they looked down. Zim was gone. So they looked up again, then abck down. Then they did it AGAIN and realized yep, he was gone…headed out the door behind them!</p>
<p>"Oh, another escape! Is it just me? Is it me!? Huh!?" Blue wanted to know.</p>
<p>Zim raced down a hallway with tubes lining both sides, and climbed up a ladder to another massive room filled with tubes. Heading up to a catwalk, our "hero" raced alongside of it to another series of catwalks as sparks of electricity sizzled to his left, the lights casting shadows on the wall. Seeing the shadows of Green and Blue coming close Zim ran to a door and opened it up by pressing the "open" button next to it and quickly ran inside to find himself in a room filled with MORE tubes.</p>
<p>"There must be some way off this stupid thing." He thought out loud.</p>
<p>"Hello? Over here!" Zim heard a voice call out. His eyes widened. Somebody else was here?</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…meanwhile, in the kitchenette, Blue and Green were looking for Zim. Walking past two juice dispensers on the wall, Blue opened up a cupboard while Green peered inside an empty cup.</p>
<p>"We shouldn't of fused him! We made him twice as powerful! Twice as deadly!"</p>
<p>"I'm telling you, that juice would've slowed him down but good!" Green insisted, putting the cup down.</p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>Skoodge nervously bit his lip as he stood before the Vortian, who placed his hands together and looked him over.</p>
<p>"Your name is Skoodge, correct?"</p>
<p>"Yes sir." Skoodge said, looking down. Inside his head he was frightened…TERRIFIED. These people had him at their mercy. He was without his PAK. He shouldn't even be ALIVE. Too many strange new thoughts were rushing through him.</p>
<p>"Your PAK…is gone." The leader of the resistance informed him. "Thanks our beneficiary, your PAK is gone. But your PERSONALITY was engraved into your body. You're going to be just fine."</p>
<p>Skoodge's head shot up, eyes widening. "Who…who DID that?"</p>
<p>"I did." Nick said, stepping out from behind the Vortian. "I'm a Guide, the Narrator, a human being…and a good friend." He added, smiling gently.</p>
<p>"We have aliens of all kinds working against the empire." The Vortian said. "Aren't you angry that the Tallest betrayed you? They tried to kill you AND they let Invader Grapa take the credit for Blorch's conquering."</p>
<p>Skoodge felt a horrid heat rise in him. He looked to the side. "I thought that…they'd…they were supposed to be proud of me. I just wanted to do good for the empire…"</p>
<p>"If you don't LIKE what the empire's done to you, what do you do?" Nick inquired.</p>
<p>"…I guess…I fight back?" Skoodge inquired.</p>
<p>"Good!" The Vortian smiled. "Now listen, the Tallest are going to be visiting MY planet, Vort, very soon. Larb has been conquering my people and although I DESPISE HIM with a white hot hate…" The Vortian took a deep breath. "He's apparently one of your friends. So we shall secretly drop you off. Your story is that you had to eat horrible things to survive after being shot into Blorch and you hitched a ride on a spaceship looking for help. Get back in the Tallest's good graces…we need a man on the inside."</p>
<p>Skoodge saluted. "Y-yes sir!" He said. "What kinds of things should they say I ate if they ask?"</p>
<p>Nick held up a red and white hat that had the "Pokémon" logo on the front of it. "We prepared for that! Now…" He knelt by Skoodge, holding the hat to him. "Pick one!"</p>
<p>SWISH-SWISH-SWISH…</p>
<p>"Okay then…apparently I had to "eat my own skin"…who came up with this?!" Skoodge said, turning dark green in disgust.</p>
<p>A cloaked figure smirked and looked away, whistling nonchalantly.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim was approaching a tube that had a small yellow blob-like creature inside. He had many items taped to his head and looked quite pitiful. "Hey, what are you?" He asked. Something about him was…familiar.</p>
<p>"I don't even know anymore! They fused me so many times! Everyone else they kidnap escapes but I'm so <strong>heavy</strong> now, so disgusting, I can't leave! I don't even remember half the stuff they've stuck to me! What's <strong>this</strong> thing!?" He pointed at his head to a little thing that looked a lot like…</p>
<p>"Oh, so THAT'S where GIR'S moose squeak toy went." Zim remarked. "So wait, how did everyone else get away?!" He asked quickly.</p>
<p>The blob pointed at an air duct nearby. "That duct up there leads to the emergency escape ships! If only I had a longer arm…"</p>
<p>Zim's robotic spider legs popped out from his PAK, and he leapt up to the ceiling, crawling along it and opening the grill to the vent, getting inside as the Blob went on. "Or a <strong>leg</strong> or maybe... yes! Someone to help me get there! Would you please help me? Hello?" He turned left and right, looking for Zim. "Hello!?"</p>
<p>Zim was gone. The grill to the vent fell to the ground and seeing that he'd been abandoned, the blob began to cry.</p>
<p><em>Zim, you can't just LEAVE him. That's really cruel. </em>The narrator spoke up suddenly.</p>
<p>Then a mechanical arm attaches to the tube with the blob in it and lifts it into the air. Zim sighed as he crossed his arms, standing in the vent. "<strong>There</strong>, happy?" He said. "I hacked into the computer system for a few minutes, he'll be launched outside and land at YOUR house. Good enough?"</p>
<p>
  <em>Aw, you actually did something NICE!</em>
</p>
<p>"I just didn't want to hear his crying." Zim defended. "Though he DID seem somewhat…familiar…" He peered through another grill, then crawled deeper through the vents, looking out througha grill and seeing the aliens in the kitchenette.</p>
<p>"And what if the juice had made him more powerful, did you ever think of that?" Blue asked.</p>
<p>"Whoa, whoa, wait!" Blue sniffed the air.</p>
<p>"Are we talking about the same juice, hmm?" Green groaned.</p>
<p>Zim gulped. What if they SMELLED him?! What if-</p>
<p>Blue sniffed Green's pits. "Yeah. When's the last time you <strong>cleaned</strong> yourself?"</p>
<p>"Define "self"." Green said nervously.</p>
<p>Zim, meanwhile, had now opened up another vent grill and was in the escape pod room. He pulled off an unclosed padlock to one of the hatches and tugged on the handle ring. The hatchbegan to open and Zim looked inside, seeing his house was through a window on the floor of the escape pod. Quickly Zim extended his communicator from his PAK and it projected a holographic image of GIR. "GIR! Come to ZIIIIM!" He said, clenching and unclenching his claws dramatically.</p>
<p>GIR calmly opened up the tube he'd been in, walked out, then headed to the door across the main hall of the spaceship. He walked through the kitchenette just as Green stopped sniffing his own armpits and the two aliens saw GIR grab a juice box off the counter, sipping it as he headed out the other door.</p>
<p>"Ooh! Now look at that! The other one's getting away!" Blue spoke up, pointing at GIR.</p>
<p>"Ok, look at him go!" Green snapped back.</p>
<p>"I don't mean ACTUALLY look-UGH!" Blue rolled his eyes as GIR headed into the escape pod and saluted Zim in Duty Mode. Zim then grabbed GIR and stuffed him in the pod, turning around to see the aliens approaching, making lame attempts to groan menacingly. Zim just rolled his eyes, closed the hatch…</p>
<p>SCHA-WHOOOOOMMAAAA! The escape pod lit up. "Hold onto something GIR!" Zim announced as a viewscreen appeared, showing a countdown. Five…four…three…two…one…</p>
<p>CHA-THUMP! The escape pod fell off and landed in Zim's yard. Zim calmly opened the escape hatch to the pod and hopped out, GIR following after him, sipping the juice.</p>
<p>"<em><strong>She was bigger than a Winnebago…a way to go! But she looked like Lisa Kudrow after NINE CORONAS! She was no Cindy Crawford…Cindy Crawford…"</strong></em></p>
<p>"Noth-um rhymes wid Cindy Crawfuhd afta 6 coronas…" Kelsey mumbled out.</p>
<p>"<em><strong>Opened up another bottle, I started drinkin' more beer, so I could wake up…next to Heather Locklear! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAAAAH!"</strong></em></p>
<p>Nick sighed as he watched Kelsey and White drinking froma cross the street. He was gonna need one of those anger management things. Reaching into his backpack, he then held up a red and white, gourd-shaped squeezy-clown and frowned at it. "Well, it appears we meet again, <strong>MR. GIGGLES.</strong>" He hissed.</p>
<p>Blue, meanwhile, rolled his eyes and looked at Green. "Gaah! I thought I told you to lock the escape ship room!"</p>
<p>Green frowned. "Oh, just 'cause I didn't lock it it's my fault it was unlocked, is that what you're trying to say?"</p>
<p>"That's what I'm saying, yes!" Blue said, nodding.</p>
<p>"Fine, fine!" Green snapped, going to the kitchenette's fridge and opening the door. "If it makes you feel better to pretend I'm stupid... duuuuuuuuhhhhh..." He groaned out, picking up a grill and several pieces of metal. "Now I'm gonna fuse these other humans to the blob thing we got!" Green laughed.</p>
<p>"Fine, you do that! I'm setting coordinates for the next Earthling specimen... The Earth weasel!" Blue laughed, pressing a button on a nearby control console. The big monitor at the main hall changed to show the words "Today's Specimen: Weasel".</p>
<p>Zim, meanwhile, had returned to the lab and the Tallest were back on the transmission screen. "Sorry, my Tallest. I may have found a species even dumber than the humans."</p>
<p>"Were they…tall?" Purple asked.</p>
<p>Zim nervously tilted his head in a "well, y'know" gesture. "Well…as a matter of fact…"</p>
<p>Meanwhile, at Dib's house, a gigantic baby was flying towards Dib and Gaz, who were out on the front porch steps. Dib blinked in surprise as a beam of green light enveloped him, then made him vanish. Gaz stood there on the steps for a few minutes…then shrugged and headed out to go get some soda.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Gaz looked up, blinking as Dib walked inside the house, shoving the door open. There was something…different about him. He had an edge to his whole self, he was…ANGRY.</p>
<p>"What's YOUR problem?" She asked.</p>
<p>"Aliens ABDUCTED me!" He shouted. "I got stuck in a tube! They glued things to my HAIR and tried to shave my private parts!" He shivered. "It was horrible! And…and you just watched me get kidnapped and you didn't…you didn't do ANYTHING!"</p>
<p>"You could have handled it just FINE." She snapped, sipping a "Diet Poop". "Now shut up and let me drink my soda or I'll-"</p>
<p>"You're my…you're my SISTER!" Dib finally yelled, and that got Gaz to turn her head, looking interested. "You're supposed to CARE about me! Instead all you do is put me down and beat me up for the pettiest of reasons! You wanna know what the REAL problem you have is?! Just…just because I didn't turn out to be the sort of brother you want you decide to take all your frustrations out on me! You…you're HORRIBLE!" He shouted.</p>
<p>
  <strong>SCHA-SMACK!<br/></strong>
</p>
<p>Dib held his now-broken nose as blood dripped down from it and he looked up at Gaz as she glared down at him.</p>
<p>"I will treat you ANY WAY I like." She hissed, a dark purple aura rising from her. "You have no idea what forces you're dealing with, Dib! Nobody CARES what you say or think, and stop trying to convince yourself you're some savior of humanity! Most of them aren't even <strong>worth</strong> saving."</p>
<p>With that and a smirk, she walked off, leaving Dib alone to nurse his nose…but then he was surprised to see his wound was quickly healing, much to his surprise…</p>
<p>He blinked as he looked down at his hand, seeing the blood dissolve away and felt his nose once more. No more pain. How?...</p>
<p>…he shrugged, then headed to get a soda from the fridge…</p>
<p>But then he changed his mind, deciding he didn't want to get whacked by Gaz again.</p>
<p>A <strong>juice</strong> would do just as well.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Hobo 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>HOBO 13</strong>
</p>
<p>Nick frowned as he folded his arms at Sue. "Let me see if I got this right…you're sorry…"</p>
<p>"I was…" Sue rubbed the back of her neck. "I was mad…angry at events I couldn't control and I took it out on an innocent man. I don't expect you to forgive me…"</p>
<p>"No, I…" Nick sighed. "I forgive you…but I want you to atone for what you've done." He said. "I'm going to be looking after Zim for the next two days. Dib's going to be all alone. Do you think you can look after scythe-hair and make sure he doesn't try to punch a hole into an alternate dimension again? I told him it's not a good idea to try and visit my world but I don't know if he was listening since I told him this while he was watching a "Mysterious Mysteries" special on Nessie's twin sister in Africa…"</p>
<p>"With a special like that, he was DEFINITELY zoned out. I'll do it!" Sue said, giggling happily. "But what's Zimmy-wimmy gonna be up to?"</p>
<p>"Well…" Nick tilted his head to the side.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…the main viewscreen of the Tallest's lounge room was displaying various schematics for a specific set of items. Specifically-</p>
<p>"Plasma-armed Battle Tanks..."</p>
<p>BEEP!</p>
<p>"Maim Bots..."</p>
<p>BEEP!</p>
<p>"Death Wave Cannons..."</p>
<p>BEEP!</p>
<p>"Okay, is that…a sack of TAQUITOS?!"</p>
<p>BEEP! With that, the viewscreen changed to show Invader Zim in his lab, hands behind his back as he shrugged in a nonchalant fashion, with GIR hanging from the ceiling behind him.</p>
<p>"Just a few supplies I need to complete my mission!" Zim remarked calmly.</p>
<p>"You get my Taquitos yet?" GIR requested.</p>
<p>Red headed over to a nearby table in the lounge, picked up a drink, then headed back towards the large couch where Purple was sitting, now drinking an orange soda. He turned his head momentarily. "Your exile- eh, mission, is to <strong>observe</strong> the planet, Zim!" He insisted, sitting down next to Purple, who nodded his head. "<strong>Not</strong> annihilate it!" Red sipped his drink. "It would be a perfectly good waste of resources! We don't just go blowing up planets!...cities, yeah, countries, maybe, but not planets." He remarked.</p>
<p>Zim tilted his head to the side. "Yesssss…but I'm quite GOOD at annihilating!" He spoke up.</p>
<p>GIR suddenly appeared to the OTHER side of Zim, popping up from down below the viewscreen. "Taquitos! And a clown with no head!" GIR requested happily.</p>
<p>Purple looked over a snazzy, electro-metal clipboard. Let's face it, EVERY alien race loves the snazzy metal clipboards. "Look, we'd love to grant your request but, uh, we think you're insane-er…" He winced. "UNTRAINED! I mean you're untrained!</p>
<p>Zim clenched his fists and waved them in the air. "UNTRAINED? INVADER ZIIIIIM!?" He howled.</p>
<p>Red's eyes narrowed and he pointed with a single claw, one that WASN'T holding onto orange-flavored sugary goodness. "You're trained as an Invader, Zim! Battle Tanks are for <em><strong>hardened soldiers</strong></em>." He insisted, nodding his head for emphasis.</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his chin. "Hmm…" Then he crossed his arms and "hmm'd" more deeply.</p>
<p>Purple then got an idea, a gleam entering his eyes. "Hey! How 'bout we send Zim to Hobo 13! It's the, um..." He examined the snazzy clipboard. "It's the harshest-I mean FINEST military training planet ever! Zim, on Hobo 13 you'll be torn limb from limb-"</p>
<p>Red quickly interjected, standing up. "EVALUATED! Evaluated as a soldier! And if you pass, we'll be happy to send you a big bag of Battle Tanks!" He swore.</p>
<p>"But <strong>not</strong> that clown thing." Purple remarked, shaking his head.</p>
<p>"Headless Clown, Headless Clown!" GIR sang out, popping up in FRONT of Zim's face.</p>
<p>TWHOCK! Zim knocked GIR to the floor. "Very well, my Tallest!" He said, saluting. "To attain my tanks I will allow the evaluation of my incredible brain meats! Zim out!"</p>
<p>"Wait, how about CLOWN Taquitos?" GIR reqested, popping up in front of Zim again.</p>
<p>"…no." Red remarked, ending the transmission right there. The moment the screen went to static, they grinned a grin that was the work of demons from the darkest depths of Sheol, the Pit.</p>
<p>"Why didn't we just send me there sooner?" Purple asked.</p>
<p>"There's no WAY this plan will fail!" Red laughed.</p>
<p>AND SO, SOME TIME LATER…</p>
<p>"Doom…da-doom-doom…da-doom-doom, doom…da-doom-dooooom!" Zim sang out as the Voot Cruiser went into hyperspace, heading towards their destination…a dust-covered desert planet with the title "Hobo 13". It didn't take them too long to arrive at the military training center, which was a rather shabby-looking place that resembled old Earth military bases. Metallic shacks in the middle of arid, dry deserts as strange rock formations stuck out left and right over a yellow/tan sky…a couple of search towers left and right…</p>
<p>Naturally Zim was more interested in HIMSELF than in the appearance of the base, as his self-introduction soon gave away. He was in front of an enormous, grey/brown-skinned behemoth of a drill instructor who had one large, mechanical red optic, pumps sticking out the top of his cyborg body, with the tattoo 678 on his left arm.</p>
<p>"I am ZIIIIM! With my mighty fists of horror and unstoppable cruelty, I am the tool of destruction, vengeance, and fury!" Zim bragged, grinning proudly at his own introduction.</p>
<p>"I only asked for your NAME." Hobo 678 snapped. "NEEEEXT!" He roared out.</p>
<p>An alien with an ENORMOUS, throbbing head who had green-gloved hands and a couple band-aids on said throbbing head spoke up as he held his head. "I am Throbulator! I am a creature of pure headache!"</p>
<p>THROB!</p>
<p>"Yeeow, my head!" He cried out.</p>
<p>"Your NAME, that's all I want!" The commanding officer groaned. "GAH, you people are…NEXT!"</p>
<p>"Invader Skoodge... sir!" Skoodge said, saluting upon saying "Sir".</p>
<p>Zim turned his head, eyes widening. "Skoodge? Wow, I thought the Almighty Tallest killed you! That's what I heard, anyhow…"</p>
<p>Skoodge nodded. "Yeah, but I'm okay now! I had to live off my own skin to survive as I made my way across Blorch's battered landscape and THEN I snuck on board a ship that took me to Vort, where Larb and the Tallest were! Tallest Red and Purple said they'd promote me if I passed the evaluation here, so…here I am!" He finished, shrugging.</p>
<p>"Fine, but how come you have no…PAK?" Zim asked.</p>
<p>"Upgrades!" Skoodge lied quickly.</p>
<p>Zim sniggered, covering his mouth with a gloved, clawed hand. "HAH! <strong>Promote</strong> him? Poor foolish, gullible Skoodge!"</p>
<p>Hobo 678 spoke up. "I like him a LOT more than I likes YOU, you overconfident dooky." He snapped, making Zim shut up. "He had the good sense to just give me his name and nothin' more…and he saluted too. You know your stuff!" He said, nodding to Skoodge, who smiled nervously. "Now then, you scum-puddling squag doogies, first task here…is to choose a leader! Anyone who disobeys the leader will be <strong>eliminated</strong>! So y'all had better think carefully, this is the most important..."</p>
<p>Zim immediately waved his hand in the air. "I choose ME!" He slammed his fist on his chest. "ZIM shall lead! Object and you will taste my revolting vengeance of POWER!" Zim hissed to the others.</p>
<p>The others looked at each other. A crystalline alien with green eyes shrugged. An insectoid-like alien with his brain exposed at the top of his head looked at an orcish-like alien with green eyes and raised a non-existent eyebrow.</p>
<p>"…uh…sure!" Skoodge said. "I'm good with Zim."</p>
<p>"Very well!" Hobo 678 spoke up. "Just remember... with leadership comes great responsibility!: He said, pointing at Zim. "You take care of your team... and you survive! With HONOR!"</p>
<p>Zim waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes, get on with it! My Battle Tanks await!"</p>
<p>Hobo 678 went on. "Prepare yourselves, you slime-licking smort crabs, to face a series of trials! The finish line is the dreaded fortress of..." He drew himself to full height and clenched and unclenched his fists as he spoke. "PAIN!"</p>
<p><strong>PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!</strong> The word echoed throughout the desert, making them all gulp.</p>
<p>"Any mistakes and you will be beamed away, to a losers holding pen! Mistakes like…EATING A SANDWICH WHILE I'M TRYING TO BE DRAMATIC!" The commanding officer snapped at a horned alien who was snacking on a sandwich.</p>
<p>THA-WHOOOOMB! A glowing pale blue portal appeared in the air and a ray of light shot out from it. It snatched the alien up and he was sucked into the portal, making the sandwich fall to the ground.</p>
<p>"He's now in…the holding pen of PAIN!" Hobo 678 snapped.</p>
<p>
  <strong>PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!</strong>
</p>
<p>One slug-like alien poked the sandwich with a stick as Throbulator gulped. "The holding pen is painful!?"</p>
<p>"Yes!" Commanding Officer Hobo 678 snapped.</p>
<p>"Does it HAVE to be?" He asked again.</p>
<p>Their C.O scratched his chin. "Not really...but it's more DRAMATIC that way."</p>
<p>"Oh, well that's understandable." Skoodge remarked.</p>
<p>"Now move it out!" C.O 678 snapped as the aliens began moving along, with Zootch the Slug carrying the sandwich on a stick now. Zim calmly hummed a song out loud…</p>
<p>But meanwhile, in the Almighty Tallest's lounge room, many Irkens had gathered to sit at tables or lounge chairs, with the main viewscreen displaying what was occurring at Hobo 13. Zim was now singing out loud.</p>
<p>"But IIII'm nooooot brooookeeeen…in myyyy dreaaaam IIIII wiiin…and IIIII taaaake ooooover…cuz I'm…no…loooooser!"</p>
<p>"Hey, no singing! Get in step! Shape up! Let's look like a military unit!" His C.O snapped.</p>
<p>Red spoke up, addressing the Invaders. "As you can see, brave…PFFT!" He sniggered. "B-brave Invader Zim has begun his journey to the fortress of pain!"</p>
<p>"Fortress of Pain." Purple spoke up. "You didn't capitalize!"</p>
<p>"Well you forgot something else, you gotta add the emphasis!" Red spoke up. "Correction, Fortress…" He took a deep breath. "Of PAIN!"</p>
<p>
  <strong>PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!</strong>
</p>
<p>"That did it." Invader Tenn remarked, and everyone clapped their hands as Red bowed.</p>
<p>"Thank you, thank you, you're too kind!" He remarked.</p>
<p>"Now then, anyone wanna bet he gets blown up?" Purple asked.</p>
<p>Invader Sneakyonfoota raised his arm. "A thousand monies something EATS him up!"</p>
<p>"Okay..." Purple scribbled Sneakyonfoota's name down on his snazzy clipboard along with "1000 for eaten". "Now then, anybody for "chopped in half?"</p>
<p>An Invader raised his hand. There were some who called him…Tim?</p>
<p>"Ooh, me! I bet 2 thousand monies!" Tim spoke up, reclining on a chair.</p>
<p>"2000 monies it is!" Purple remarked.</p>
<p>Red then had an idea. "You realize that if nobody bets <strong>for</strong> Zim we could be out a lot of monies." He mumbled.</p>
<p>Purple nodded. "Okay, anyone for Zim succeeding? Come on!" He spoke out.</p>
<p>A very round-headed service drone walked up to the Tallest, carrying a table on top of his head. This was typical of Irken society…if you had PHYSICAL deformities you were usually at the bottom of the rung, though some had risen to prestige by turning their physical defectiveness to their advantage, like Invader Darth.</p>
<p>Bob, unfortunately, was even SHORTER than Zim. And not nearly as lucky.</p>
<p>"You! Table-headed Service Drone Bob! You will bet 5 hundred thousand monies on Zim!"</p>
<p>Bob bit his lip. "But... I only make 5 monies every two years!" He complained.</p>
<p>Purple raised a non-existent eyebrow then shrugged. "500,000 for Zim!" He laughed, making the other Invaders cheer.</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: Sad violin music</strong>
</p>
<p>Bob began to cry, sniffling as he ran to the side, rubbing his eyes. Purple turned to Felix, who was playing the violin nearby. "Felix, uh, can you play the piano instead? Something lighthearted?"</p>
<p>"Okay!" Felix said, going over to a nearby black piano and going at it. <em><strong>"Ohhhh I don't want her, you can have her, she's too fat for me!"</strong></em></p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>The team had reached a treacherous canyon filled up with lava. All of them had gathered next to a tree that was on one side of the canyon.</p>
<p>"First you must use your wit to cross the molten pit of hideous creaming pain!" their commanding officer informed them. All of them were wearing special power suits that consisted of special three-fingered gloves and large boots. There were even special BACKPACKS that they all wore now. "Your power suit will provide <em>some</em> protection, but nothing will defend you from a stupid mistake!" Sergeant Hobo 678 informed them.</p>
<p>With that, he flipped clear through the air, landing on the other side of the canyon. Meanwhile, Zim put his hands on his hips and smirked. "Child's play! We shall stand on each other's shoulders, and fall forward forming a bridge... to safety!"</p>
<p>Skikkiks, a dark green-eyed alien with a skinny body pointed at the nearby tree. "Why don't we just cut down that tree and walk across? It's safer and... you know…"</p>
<p>Everyone else seemed to mumble their agreement. UNFORTUNATELY, Zim was Zim, which meant…</p>
<p>"Are we going to have trouble, soldier?" He hissed.</p>
<p>TEN…SECONDS…LATER…</p>
<p>Every single one of the aliens had, in fact, stood on each other's shoulders. Zim calmly poked Skikkiks's leg and the pillar of aliens all fell over, with Throbulator, who was at the top, grabbing the rocks on the other side, making a bridge. Zim calmly began walking over the aliens to the other side.</p>
<p>"Can't…hold on…any longer!" Skikkiks cried out, with the ground his feet were on about to give way.</p>
<p>THWOMP. Zim stepped on "Throb's" head, then stepped off onto the other side of the canyon. "Ow, my HEAD!" Throbulator groaned.</p>
<p>CRA-KRAAAAK! The ground beneath Skikkiks's feet gave way and the aliens fell towards the pit of lava…</p>
<p>LUCKILY all of them clung to the other side of the rock wall and were able to pull themselves up, save for the last three aliens, Skikkiks included, who vanished with a cry of "you're a <strong>horrible</strong> leader" just before beams of light snatched them up, saving them from being obliterated.</p>
<p>"Victory!" Zim proclaimed.</p>
<p>Sergeant 678 growled, clenching and unclenching his fists as he looked at Zim.</p>
<p>The Tallest gaped at the sight of this. "Um…" Purple mumbled.</p>
<p>"That…shouldn't have happened…" Red realized.</p>
<p>Bob, meanwhile, had been waving a "Go Zim" banner. Now he was typing up how much money everyone would owe him if he actually WON. "For me, I'm going to get…417, 3590 monies! No, wait, forgot to add Larb's…and I can't forget Tenn's…"</p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>"This is the stinking canyon of the ferocious meat-thirsty Hogulus!" Sgt. 678 spoke up as they stood before a canyon.</p>
<p>"Of pain?" Zim asked.</p>
<p>"NO. Not of pain." Sgt.678 snapped. "Now watch!"</p>
<p>He tossed a steak down into the canyon in front of a cave and intense growling could be heard within.</p>
<p>"The task is simple: navigate from this end to the far end... alive!" Sgt. 678 told them. "Good luck." He said, nodding with his head and then taking off into the air using his fancy jet boots.</p>
<p>Zim turned to face the others. "I have a plan, but I will need a volunteer to distract the hog beast!"</p>
<p>Skoodge saluted. "Yes sir!"</p>
<p>"<em>Oh, Skoodge, NO…"</em></p>
<p>"I am your loyal-"</p>
<p>KA-THWACK. Zim kicked Skoodge down into the canyon below, and Skoodge fell down screaming, rolling right into the HOOF of the foul Hogulus, who had sharp fangs at the bottom of it's spider-like head, horns like a ram, and more curved horns jutting out from his back.</p>
<p>"Let's go!" Zim announced, climbing down the canyon wall whilst the other aliens sighed and climbed down after him. Soon Zim and the rest of his squad were on the other end of the canyon where Sgt. 678 was waiting…</p>
<p>"Another job well done!" Zim said happily.</p>
<p>Sgt.678 frowned. "What about your soldier Skoodge?"</p>
<p>The other aliens were pulling themselves up onto the canyon side behind Zim while Zim just shrugged. "It's what Skoodge would've wanted. Heh…" He blinked. "Huh. I mean…oh no!" He held his face. "Skoodge is in trouble!"</p>
<p>He turned to his left and tried to left an enormous rock…to no avail.</p>
<p>"NOBODY'S HELPIN' MEEEE!" Skoodge cried out. "IT'S TRYING TO EAT MY HEEEAAAAAD!"</p>
<p>"Hmm…" Zim rubbed his chin. Then he opened ups his power suit glove panel, showing off the power meter. He began fiddling around with it whilst Sgt.678 frowned at him.</p>
<p>"WHAT do you think you're doing?"</p>
<p>"I'm programming my suit to steal energy from the rest of the team!" Zim remarked. "Here I go!" He announced.</p>
<p>BEEP!</p>
<p>Khaaaak, the orc-like alien, fell to the ground, electricity surging through him and going into Zim's suit.</p>
<p>"Arms... and... legs... useless!" Khaaaak moaned.</p>
<p>"With enough power I can lift the boulder and throw it at the monster! No one will say Zim never tried!" Zim stated, his body glowing brightly with a shining, dramatic aura. Everyone gaped…</p>
<p>A few moments passed. Zim looked down at his power meter…the power was going up, but VERY slowly. "Ehhh, takes a little while, doesn't it?"</p>
<p>He closed his compartment. "Okay, I tried. The Fortress of PAIN…"</p>
<p>
  <strong>PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!</strong>
</p>
<p>"Awaits!" He told the others.</p>
<p><em>YOU'RE </em><em><strong>HORRIBLE</strong></em><em>!</em> Nick screamed at him from the Heavens.</p>
<p>"It's SKOODGE. He <em><strong>always</strong></em> survives!" Zim reasoned.</p>
<p><em>GRRRR…NYRAAARRRGGGHHHH! ZIIIIIIM!</em> Nick roared, making the entire sky turn BLACK.</p>
<p>"AAA! Alright, alright, watch!" Zim said, going back to the boulder. He focused all his might and held the boulder up, tossing it through the air. "HA-HA! See?! Invader Zim cannot be beaten by a mere ROCK! Invader Zim-"</p>
<p>CLONK!</p>
<p>SQUOMP!</p>
<p>The boulder whacked the Hogulus out cold…and it landed on Skoodge, who groaned in pain.</p>
<p>Silence. Then a supernova exploded over Hobo 13, making everyone go "Ooh" and "Ahh" while Zim nervously slunk away, heading for the Foretress of-Dear God do I really gotta REPEAT it?!</p>
<p>Bob, meanwhile, was happily looking down at the calculator in his hands. "If Zim finishes, I get 6 <strong>million</strong> monies!" He whispered, eyes brimming with tears of joy.</p>
<p>The Tallest looked at each other. Then Purple held out his glass, nervously speaking up. "Oh…Bobby? It appears I need a refill. Thanks."</p>
<p>"PAH!" Bob snapped. "Get it YOURSELF, ya free-loadin JERKS!"</p>
<p>"We're in trouble, aren't we?" Purple asked Red as the two Irkens looked at each other.</p>
<p>"…yeeeeeaaah." Red admitted.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…the squad was now running through a laser trench as blue lasers blasted left and right. Zim was at the lead, whilst Throbulator followed after, followed by a rat-like alien who carried a baby-like alien, while the insect-like alien carried a sluggish being. Unfortunately, though Zim and the others made it through a pink sensor ring to meet with Sgt.678 at the end, Crystal dove for the exit and…</p>
<p>Unfortunately came up short. She was promptly sucked up into the portal that led to the Holding Pen of Pain, all the lasers trained on her.</p>
<p>"CURSE YOU ZIIIIM!" She cried as Zim smirked.</p>
<p>"I am INVINCIBLE!" Zim proclaimed. "All I had to do was reprogram the laser turrets to lock in on, uh, eh, what's her name, that one person, um..."</p>
<p>"GRRR…" Sgt. 678 growled.</p>
<p>Zim shrugged. "But, she was a fine soldier and better luck to her in the future!"</p>
<p>The other team looked at him angrily.</p>
<p>"What part of WIN WITH HONOR do you fail to understand?!" Nick demanded, appearing next to Sgt.678, arms folded across his chest.</p>
<p>"Zim WILL get his battle tanks!" Zim proclaimed.</p>
<p>"…you are SO going to reap what you sow." Nick remarked coldly.</p>
<p>"How did you get HERE?" Sgt. 678 remarked, jabbing his thumb into Nick's chest.</p>
<p>"I've got more clearance than your GOD." Nick spoke up. "Now then…what's the next task? Does it involve the word pain?"</p>
<p>"…yes…" Sgt. 678 mumbled. "Look, I didn't come up with the names…"</p>
<p>And so, the trials continued. The next trial was a trip over the Acidic Lake of Painful Doom! Zim was taking up the back and about to lose his balance on the rope they were all walking across to reach the other side of the lake…so he grabbed the insect-like teammate in front of him, steadying himself while the teammate fell off…and was sucked up into the holding pen!</p>
<p>Next was a maze. As a robotic serpent with wings flew overhead, the teammates ran through the last stretch of the maze, with Zim in the back of the squad once more. The rest of the team, save for him, was about to make it to the exit, and soon all of them were cheering as the babyish-alien Nub Bubbins was about to cross the finish line and-</p>
<p>Unfortunately Zim grabbed ahold of him and tossed him at the robot snake, who grabbed him and flew him off to the Holding Pen of Pain. Zim looked at Nick, who's eyes were narrowed into slits.</p>
<p>"What? He wasn't a REAL baby! He was like, fifty-seven…" Zim remarked.</p>
<p>The others shook their heads, equally disgusted while Bob, back at the Massive, waved a little flag as the Tallest watched the spectacle unfold, utterly speechless.</p>
<p>Soon they were all facing down plant monsters! Zim and Throbulator were hiding together when Zim decided to sacrifice the REST of his teammates by drawing attention to them via a throwing of a rock.</p>
<p>The plant-like eel/leech monsters shot out on their tentacles out of the Swamp of Sickening Sadism (which was actually not a bad name) and attacked the aliens whilst Zim and Throbulator ran up to Sgt. 678, who growled angrily…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…They'd reached it at long last…a big, spiked building of yellow/grey metal with a large door. "Behold, the fortress of PAIN!" Zim proclaimed, arms up in the air.</p>
<p>
  <strong>PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!</strong>
</p>
<p>"So what was your name again?" Zim asked Throbulator.</p>
<p>"Throbulator!" Throb told him.</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his hands together. "Yes, soldier! I have a very special mission for you!"</p>
<p>THWOOM! TWHOOM! THWOOM!</p>
<p>SPLORK!</p>
<p>The door to the Fortress of Pain opened as Zim stood there, holding up Throbulator like he was a battering ram…and he HAD been a pattering ram. Some more pus came out of Throb's mouth as he groaned.</p>
<p>"Throbulator... feel NOTHING anymore!"</p>
<p>WOOOP! UP he went into the Holding Pen of Pain!</p>
<p>"Good work, team! Team?"</p>
<p>Zim looked around. Nobody was there…and a bird cawed in the distance.</p>
<p>"Oh well..." Zim shrugged. He ran into the fortress, looking proud of himself as he stood inside a red room with spikes lining up and down the rim edges of the walls. "Well I made it into the fortress! Victory is mi-"</p>
<p>"Oh no, Zim! No victory for <strong>you</strong>!" Sgt. 678 snarled, hovering down from the ceiling. "Because of your incompetence your entire squad was eliminated! You are a disgrace to Hobo 13!" He snapped.</p>
<p>Zim pouted, evidently not getting the point. "But... I survived every trial! I'm the ultimate soldier! I must get my equipment or I... won't get it!"</p>
<p>"…why should I care?" Hobo 678 asked.</p>
<p>"Uh…because it's on your honor?" Zim suggested.</p>
<p>Sergeant Hobo 678's eyes went up in flames as he grinned. Zim had said the "h" word. "YESSSS…THAT'S IT! Defeat me, Zim! Let this be your <strong>final</strong> challenge! I'm really looking forward to twisting you into a twisted, horrible knot... made from <strong>YOU</strong>!</p>
<p>TWHOOM! He landed on the ground, and as he rubbed his fist angrily into his other palm, rods arose from the ground, forming an electro-laser circle around him and Zim.</p>
<p>"Hey, that's neat!" Zim remarked.</p>
<p>"It is, isn't it? See, this circle is surrounded by a transportation field. First person to be pushed through that field gets transported to-"</p>
<p>Zim closed one eye slightly to make the "raising an eyebrow" face. "The Holding Pen of PAIN?" He asked, then waited. A few moments later he blinked. "Aw, there's no echo effect in here!"</p>
<p>His C.O shook his head. "No, the holding pen is full! Now the loser gets sent to... the Outhouse of MADNESS!"</p>
<p>" EEEEK! You…FIEND!" Zim hissed, imagining the horror that the Outhouse would be like. He and the sergeant leapt towards each other and they collided forcibly, knocking each other to the ground. Zim ALMOST touched the transportation field, but quickly rolled to the side, then leapt out of the way just in time to avoid having the sergeant land right on his head.</p>
<p>Unfortunately the sergerant had OTHER tricks. His robotic arm shot out and ripped up chunks of floor, flinging them at Zim and making him go flying. Now Zim landed on the very EDGE of the circle, sweating madly as he typed into his power glove…</p>
<p>SCHA-ZZZZT! Electricity shot out, black in color as he grinned. "Ha-ha-ha-ha! I have you NOW, Skywalker!" He cried out…</p>
<p>Then he realized there wasn't much power. He quickly ran to the side and dodged a punch. "I mean NOW!</p>
<p>Nope. Still not enough power. He ran to the side and dodged ANOTHER punch.</p>
<p>"NOW? ARGH!" Zim groaned as the sergeant's head grabbed ahold of his head. Smirking, Sgt. 678 pushed Zim's head up against the transporation field, the edge of his head blurring as it ws being slowly teleported away.</p>
<p><strong>"You are the WORST STUDENT I've ever had!"</strong> Sgt. 678 snapped.</p>
<p>"Perhaps you have trained me too well!" Zim laughed.</p>
<p>"No, really. You're the worst." The alien told Zim, who momentarily looked like he was gonna cry, because words REALLY hurt. But THEN Zim looked at his power meter while the sergeant laughed."Your cheating arm trick won't help you now, Zim! No team mates left to steal power from-"</p>
<p>POING! Sgt. Hobo 678's power glove panel popped open to reveal HIS power was going down…there WAS one person left to steal power from…HIM!</p>
<p>"I win! I-"</p>
<p>"I have been wanting to do this for a LONG time." Zim hissed, and with a smirk he punched the alien so hard he sailed clear through the air, out of the ring…</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Skoodge had actually made it to the Fortress of You-Know-What and was panting heavily as he looked at Zim, who's eyes widened.</p>
<p>"Skoodge, is that really you?" He asked, looking over the beaten-up Irken.</p>
<p>"Yes, Zim! I escaped from the canyon! I made it! I'm <strong>alive</strong>!" He proclaimed.</p>
<p>THWONK! Sgt. 678 landed right on top of him as the Hogulus loomed overhead, growling and drooling.</p>
<p>"Uuuughhh…" Skoodge's legs, which were sticking out from underneath the sergeant, flailed around. "Where am I? What am I seeing? Oh my! Oh no, not that smell, not-AAAA!"</p>
<p>CHOMP! The Hogulus grabbed the sergeant in it's mouth and thrashed him around left and right while Skoodge gaped in horror at the sight…a moment later the sergeant grabbed Skoodge in desperation and began whacking the Hogulus over and over to get the beast to drop him.</p>
<p>"Put me down!"</p>
<p>"OW! MY HEAD!" Skoodge yelled as the Hogulus ran off, leaving Zim alone. He picked up Sgt. 678's dog tags, which he had dropped in the semi-epic-struggle and held them aloft like precious trophies.</p>
<p>"Um... this completes my evaluation!" He announced, promptly tossing them to the side. "Surely the Tallest can deny my request no longer!" He stated, holding up his gloved hands into the air. "I AM ZIM, BRING ME THE TANKS!" His mighty voice echoed across the lonely desert.</p>
<p>Bob tossed the table form his head, flinging it to the side as he snapped at the Almighty Tallest. "You can serve YOURSELF from now on! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! I AM <strong>BOB</strong>!"</p>
<p>Red and Purple looked at him with a nasty glare, then at Zim. Then…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…"It sure was nice of the Tallest to give me my own ship!" Zim said as he flew inside of a purple, snazzy-lookin' ship. "And they tell me if I prove myself as a fleet commander they'll give me my tanks and my own battle cruiser!" He related to Bob. "Say, why are these controls locked anyway?" the Irken asked of the former service drone, as he waved his hand over the red gem that was the control module for the blast cruiser he was flying.</p>
<p>"MMMPH! MAAAMMMMPPPHHH!" Bob groaned out desperately, his body tied to the back of the chair Zim sat in, duct tape over his mouth. He managed to get one arm free and pointed at the window…</p>
<p>At an approaching sun…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "Nice job, Sue." Nick said as Sue deposited a sleeping, slightly-scorched Zim on a nearby couch. "Even though I told you to look after Dib, you saw two people in grave danger and saved them…that's GREAT Guide material! So you brought Skoodge and Bob back to the Massive?"</p>
<p>"As far as everyone else knows, the whole thing never happened." She said, grinning. "I've got them all under my thumb!" She said, holding up her thumb dramatically as the camera zoomed in on it.</p>
<p>Nick nodded and headed out the door while Sue turned to the sleeping Zim and knelt down by him, caressing his head.</p>
<p>"<em>Some more so than others…"</em> She cooed softly, making Zim smile happily in his slumber.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Future Dib</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <strong>FUTURE DIB</strong>
      </p>
      <p>It was summer vacation, and at long last Dib and Zim were technically free to bug each other all they wanted without teachers interrupting. Zim grinned happily as he rubbed his gloved claws together, walking down the sidewalk with GIR following behind him as he began to imagine new ways to destroy his rival-for-life. "It's perfect, GIR, perfect! I'll turn Dib into a flea! A harmless little flea!"</p>
      <p>GIR just squeaked, waving his little, disguised arms.</p>
      <p>"And then I'll put that flea in a box, and put that box in ANOTHER box, and then I'll mail it to myself and when it arrives…" Zim waved his fists in the air, cackling. "I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!"</p>
      <p>"Hamma tiiiime!" GIR sang out.</p>
      <p>Zim grinned widely. "It's perfect, I tell you, just…" Then he blinked. "Wait…I don't have any compounds that will turn him into insects…so much for that." He sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "PHOOEY!"</p>
      <p>He headed across the street, mumbling angrily. "What's the point of having brilliant ideas if harsh reality destroys-"</p>
      <p>BEEP-BEEEEP!</p>
      <p>Zim turned his head to see a truck barreling RIGHT at him! He gasped and clung to GIR…</p>
      <p>THA-THOOOOMBAAAA!</p>
      <p>An ENORMOUS fist made of bushes slammed into the truck and knocked it on it's side, making the driver blink, then honk the horn a few times. Zim turned his head to see none other than DL himself standing by a group of bushes that retracted to normal size. He patted them gently and nervously smiled in Zim's direction before rushing down the sidewalk.</p>
      <p>"…I'm going to have to keep an EYE on that child…" Zim realized. "A very, VERY close eye…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Meanwhile, Dib and Gaz were watching TV whilst eating breakfast in their kitchen. The flat screen "92-inch" TV showed off a large blue steel stadium with a podium set up in front of it. An ENORMOUS throng of people had gathered to see this event, which was none other than Prof. Membrane's latest and greatest invention!</p>
      <p>"The whole ignorant world watches as Professor Membrane prepares to make the greatest announcement he's made since <strong>last week</strong>!" P.I. Staker announced.</p>
      <p>Dib smiled happily. "Man, Dad's FINALLY done with whatever it is he's been workin' on for the past few months! Maybe this means we'll finally get to see him in PERSON!"</p>
      <p>It was then that a hover screen displaying their dad's visage floated into the kitchen with the words "Recorded Earlier" written at the top. "Now, now, son! Brush your teeth and don't steal! Daughter, feed the puppy!" Prof. Membrane's message told them, waving his finger cautiously.</p>
      <p>Gaz blinked. "Oh, yeah! We used to have a puppy, didn't we? What happened to it?"</p>
      <p>They blinked together, then looked left and right, then nervously blushed as the sound of buzzing flies was heard.</p>
      <p>"Uh, let's, uh…let's get going to the town meeting at the school." Dib said quietly, inching out the kitchen.</p>
      <p>"Yeah." Gaz decided, plugging her nose as she headed after him. They walked outside and down the sidewalk, noticing Nick was putting on a blazer. "Good morning sir." Gaz remarked. Then she blinked. "Wait…did I just call you "SIR"?" She asked.</p>
      <p>"Yep. The blazer does it! It subconsciously makes other people respect me more!" Nick told them. "That's the secret behind a lot of professors and teachers, and it helps me command attention for my business meetings in space." Nick told them. "Sue said that she'll be looking after all of you while I go meet with a few associates. I've been trying to track down what happened to THIS reality's version of myself and apparently he went up into space and didn't come back…"</p>
      <p>"Well I dunno about Sue…" Dib spoke up. "She's kinda…odd…"</p>
      <p>SOME TIME EARLIER IN SCHOOL…</p>
      <p>"So do you wanna do it?" Sue asked Dib as she walked him home.</p>
      <p>"What?" Dib asked, turning his head.</p>
      <p>"You know, uh…" Sue twirled one lock of hair. "Come over to my house and look over these fancy new photographs of galaxies I took with this new camera I have?"</p>
      <p>"…oh, sure!"</p>
      <p>PRESENT…</p>
      <p>"But I get the feeling she was gonna ask for-" Dib looked up…and saw they'd already left. "Aw, C'MON, guys!"</p>
      <p>AND SO…SOME TIME LATER…</p>
      <p>A large town meeting was taking place in the main hall of the school, with a HUGE view screen showing off the set up of the blue stadium with the podium in front on the screen. Zim stood to the side, in his disguise, just blinking a few times.</p>
      <p>"And now…" P.I. Staker announced as an image of Matthew Membrane shaking hands with President Man was shown. "The man without whom this world would fall into chaos…" Now an image of Prof. Membrane with his hands around a globe appeared. "The inventor of Super Toast himself…PROFESSOR MEMBRANE!"</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane was now shown at the podium, holding up a piece of Super Toast. "Thank you, thank you for that warm introduction!" He announced, as three scientists stood to the side of him. Everyone in the crowd clapped whilst Dib stood next to Torque Smacky, who was about to bite into a piece of "Super Toast".</p>
      <p>"That's my Dad!" Dib said proudly, eyes going all starry in "anime-style".</p>
      <p>"PSH. So?" Torque remarking, taking a bite and INSTANTLY becoming more buff than he already was, veins appearing all over his body.</p>
      <p>"Yes, thank you, thank you all for being so…well, mankind-y! Now as we all know, every source of energy requires FUEL!" Prof. Membrane insisted, pointing upward with his "finger of knowledge". The finger is powerful folks. VERY powerful.</p>
      <p>"PSH. I didn't know that."</p>
      <p>"That's because your simian physique suggests your body is a source of rich cultural diversity." Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>Torque just scratched his butt. Dib smiled to himself.</p>
      <p>"So, I got to thinking…why has nobody invented a power source that needs no fuel?" Prof. Membrane announced. He then turned to face his fellow scientists. "WHY!?" He shouted, holding out his arms.</p>
      <p>"YEEEEEK!" All the scientists screamed, jumping up in the air like little girls and holding onto each other. Prof. Membrane composed himself and faced the audience again.</p>
      <p>"So, I went and made the "Perpetual Energy Generator, or as I call her, "PEG", after my dear late wife, Peggy Membrane."</p>
      <p>He bowed his head for a moment in silence. The crowd did the same as sad violin music played. Then it turned to loud trumpet playing with a triumphant hook as Prof. Membrane raised his arms high, showing off the mighty golden machine that was the PEG, which was currently encased in a clear dome inside the stadium. "Tonight, I activate it! If it works, we never have to worry about power again!" He proclaimed.</p>
      <p>"YAY!" Everyone cheered</p>
      <p>"If it doesn't, it will send out a wave of doom that will destroy all life on Earth!" Prof. Membrane announced.</p>
      <p>"…yay?" Everyone nervously gulped, looking around at each other. Meanwhile, Zim was taking notes on a snazzy notepad with Sue standing next to him.</p>
      <p>"Wave…of…doom…" He thought to himself.</p>
      <p>"Any questions?" Prof. Membrane asked.</p>
      <p>"Uh…what was that LAST thing you said?" Sue inquired, raising her hand.</p>
      <p>"Don't worry pretty-little pink-eyed young woman! There's only a minimal chance of anything going wrong with the generator. Especially with the stepped up security we've installed around the premises!"</p>
      <p>Zim chuckled evilly as he put his notepad away. Then the chuckling became evil laughter as a dark aura arose around him. And then he began to ROAR evilly as he threw his head back, his eyes watering with pure, evil joy and-</p>
      <p>"HEY. They're WATCHING you." Sue hissed.</p>
      <p>Zim snapped his head back and saw everyone was looking at him. He cleared his throat. "Ahem…then he grabbed little Squee by his shirt collar and pulled him towards him. "Uh, I love Earth! And watching TV! And puppies!"</p>
      <p>"Awwwww." The crowd remarked.</p>
      <p>Dib turned to Gaz. "Look, Gaz, Zim is DEFINITELY up to-"</p>
      <p>Then a hover screen, which had gone straight from the stadium itself and gone through a school window to get inside the main hall appeared behind him and Gaz and they looked at it as a picture of a scientist appeared on it. "Excuse me, kids? I'm with Membrane Laboratories. The professor has asked us that all his roommates attend tonight's unveiling of the PEG."</p>
      <p>"You mean US?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"You live with the professor, don't you?" The scientist asked.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, we're his KIDS." Gaz snapped.</p>
      <p>"Well be ready at seven!" The scientist remarked happily. With that the hover screen flew back towards the wall that had the window it had flown in on. It blasted a hole in the wall with a laser mounted on top of it's screen and flew out the hole and into a nearby parked van, which headed back to the stadium.</p>
      <p>Dib smiled happily. "WOW! We're gonna be on TV with Dad!" He realized.</p>
      <p>"MY dad can fit a potato in his mouth!" Torque bragged.</p>
      <p>Zim rubbed his chin. "Hmm? Hmm…they'll be there too?"</p>
      <p>"Actually, that gives me an idea." Sue admitted as she and Zim quickly left the main hall.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Gaz and Dib had returned home after spending the day out and eating at Bloaty's, one of the few places Gaz was in a good enough mood to not be angry at Dib. Now Dib headed up to his room and opened the door, going inside and shutting it. He placed his hand against a handprint identification console device that was stationed on the wall and it scanned his hand, allowing steam to be released from a closet door nearby. As the doors opened Dib approached the closet and reached towards a box…</p>
      <p>"Ohhhh…"</p>
      <p>Dib stood up straight, blinking. What was that?</p>
      <p>"Ohhhh…"</p>
      <p>He turned around and actually LOOKED at his bed…and saw somebody as beneath the sheets. He headed towards his bed. "Hello?" He nervously asked, reaching for the sheets…</p>
      <p>He pulled them back and GASPED. It was…him! Only his clothes were kind of tattered and he was missing some teeth. He lay on his side and groaned, rolling onto his back.</p>
      <p>"WHA?!" Dib gasped as his lookalike stood up. "You look like ME!"</p>
      <p>"I AM you!" The lookalike said. "Listen to me, I know how-"</p>
      <p>Dib jumped back, gasping. "What's going on?! How is this possible?!"</p>
      <p>The lookalike shook his fist at him. "ZIM!" He exclaimed. "He broke into dad's compound! He got to the generator!"</p>
      <p>Dib blinked. "This doesn't make any sense!" He said, rubbing his head.</p>
      <p>"Listen! Zim <strong>sabotaged</strong> the generator!" his lookalike told him. "I tried to stop him…but his incredible power was too much for me!"</p>
      <p>"…incredible power? He just shoved you off the building, didn't he?" Dib asked, folding his hands across his chest.</p>
      <p>The other Dib nervously looked to the side. "Well…<em>yeah</em>…and THEN he undid the security system! Just like Professor Membrane said, the PEG sent out a horrible wave of energy and I thought for SURE I was gonna die, but…" He held up his hands and waved them in the air. "I was so close to the start of the energy wave something strange happened…it opened up a time rip and I found myself in some kind of crazy spinning time thingy! WOO, it was crazy!" He took a deep breath. "It dropped me here, in the psat, giving me a second chance to make things right, but…I'm so TIRED. I can't do it. It's up to you!"</p>
      <p>"Gee, I'm BORING to listen to. Do I always explain everything like this?" Dib remarked, shaking his head in shame. "You coulda elaborated a BIT-"</p>
      <p>Future Dib reached into his pocket. "Here, take this watchie-talkie." He said, giving it to Dib. "We can use it communicate remotely!"</p>
      <p>"Okay, sure! And once I beat Zim you can stay here with me and we'll be an unstoppable team!"</p>
      <p>Future Dib smiled. "Yes, yes, it will be MAGICAL!" He remarked.</p>
      <p>SUPER-HAPPY-FANTASY!</p>
      <p>(Future Dib and Normal Dib are frolicking in a meadow.)</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Here we are, face to face, "My Future Self -n- Me"!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>(Dib and Future Dib take each other's hands and a shot of them swinging around happily is shown as flowers fly all around)</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>So alike and yet so different, one of us messy, the other one clean!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>PRESENT!</p>
      <p>Future Dib and Dib jolted back to reality as Future Dib went on.</p>
      <p>"But you must get going! Zim's by the warehouse near Dad's compound! There's this broken window above a stack of crates…"</p>
      <p>And so, Dib ran to the warehouse at top speed, bringing his backpack which contained his laptop computer. He looked left and right, then ran into the alleyway by the warehouse and found, sure enough, a broken window above crates that were stacked in such a way that they resembled a perfect staircase!</p>
      <p>Quickly hugging up against the wall, Dib looked left, then right again, then ran up the crate staircase, hearing Zim's evil cackling. Looking inside, he saw an enormous drill being set up in the center of the warehouse and he looked it over as his watchie-talkie sprang to life, and he saw the display screen show Future Dib.</p>
      <p>"He's gonna drill into Dad's compound from bellow! All you have to do is sabotage that drill!" Future Dib informed him.</p>
      <p>"On it, Future Self!" Dib said, running into the warehouse, hearing more of Zim's evil laughter. He hid behind some boxes, sneaking deeper and deeper towards the center of the room as he approached the drill, noticing a box with a button on it directly under the drill. Dib smirked and pressed the button and it began to beep…</p>
      <p>Suddenly he put two and two together.</p>
      <p>Calling Dad "MEMBRANE"…saying Zim had "Superior Power"…the way in which he'd been talking, the little tics…</p>
      <p>And the way Future Dib was now laughing at him from his watchie-talkie. Dib gasped in horror, the realization dawning on him that it was a TRAP!</p>
      <p>BA-BOOOOM! Four lawn gnomes popped out of four boxes that surrounded Dib, transforming into insectoid robots that hissed at him. Dib ran for it but didn't get far before one grabbed him by the back of his trench cloak with a claw, lifting him up to a cage nearby and tossing him in…though his head BARELY fit through. Dib groaned as he looked around the cage, which hung from the wall of the warehouse…</p>
      <p>And he frowned as a hover screen showing Zim flew out from behind some boxes, hovering in front of the cage.</p>
      <p>"HA-HA-HA! Gullible stink creature! I knew I could trick you with my Dib robot spy!" He announced, taking a sip from a grape soda can which he'd had shipped from Irk.</p>
      <p>"Ah! You're gonna use it to walk right past the security at the generator, aren't you?" Dib said angrily, eyes narrowing behind his glasses.</p>
      <p>Zim took a long chug, then realized Dib was actually talking to him and he tossed the can away. "What? Oh, yes, yes. Yes I am!" He announced. "HA-HA-HA-HA!"</p>
      <p>"But if you use the robot to blow up the generator, you'll be destroyed too!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>Zim waved his had dismissively. "Your explanations bore me! Also, I'm safely controlling robot Dib from Earth's orbit. When PEG explodes…I'll be thousands of miles away!" He announced, sneering.</p>
      <p>"But every living thing on Earth will die!" Dib shouted.</p>
      <p>Zim smiled coldly. "You mistake me for someone who feels some warmth towards your weak species. Why should you care anyway?" He asked, placing his gloved claws together. "They don't care about you. They wouldn't thank you if you succeeded…"</p>
      <p>Dib looked nervously down at the ground. He closed his eyes and bit his lip. Seeing he'd just dealt Dib the mental equivalent of kicking him in the nuts, Zim smirked pitilessly. "Goodbye, Dib." He said softly, with the screen going into static.</p>
      <p>"Come ON, Dib, it's time to go!"</p>
      <p>Dib gasped, hearing his sister's voice and he looked down at his watch to see that Gaz was in the doorway of the room Robot Dib was in. "Okay, Gaz!" Robot Dib announced. He turned to grin evilly down at Dib through the watchie-talkie. "I'll be riiiiight there!"</p>
      <p>"Do not do anything weird tonight, Dib! If you do, you will suffer horribly!" Gaz hissed, pointing at Robot Dib.</p>
      <p>Dib saw an opening. "No, Gaz! That's not me! It's a-"</p>
      <p>Robot Dib covered the watch and hid it behind his back. "I would NEVER!" He insisted.</p>
      <p>"Remember…HORRIBLE SUFFERING." Gaz insisted.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim, in his space station, was looking at Gaz through a fancy viewscreen that showed what Robot Dib saw through his optic sensors. He put his hand on his chin and smirked as he spoke into the microphone. "Of course, my scary sister! I obey!" He said, with the robot repeating his words.</p>
      <p>Gaz nodded, satisfied as she headed away, leaving smoky, spooky trails of purple gas behind her as her breathing calmed down. Dib groaned as his watchie-talkie went into static. "Nooo! I have to DO something! But…wait! My laptop!" He realized. He quickly reached into his backpack and got out his laptop, opening it up and putting on a pair of headphones. He began to type very fast and soon the words "Probe Enabled" appeared on the screen.</p>
      <p>"MAN Am I doing something! You might be smart, Zim, but just like you…I LEARN from my mistakes. Eat hacking probe!" He announced, pressing a final key on his laptop.</p>
      <p>BOOP! A tiny probe shot out and attached itself to the hover screen nearby, which was now displaying the symbol for Irk. "I can only hope the Irkens just happen to use the same operating system as me!"</p>
      <p>"Doo-dee-doo!"</p>
      <p>"YES! Thank you, Windows Vista!" Dib proclaimed happily.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE, AT THE PEG…</p>
      <p>Robot Dib ad Gaz were in front of huge, steel doors that were leading right into the PEG, with guards lining the walls left and right.</p>
      <p>"Aren't you excited little boy?" One guard asked Dib, the same guard who had, at one point, jammed a taser into his stomach.</p>
      <p>"Oh yes! But not so much as to provoke my terrifying sibling!" Robot Dib remarked, putting one arm around Gaz.</p>
      <p>Gaz didn't like this. She slammed him into the wall, holding him by his shirt. "<strong>What</strong> are you doing? You've been acting weird all day! Even weirder than usual!" She demanded.</p>
      <p>"I don't know what you're talking about!" Zim said through Robot Dib. He realized quickly that he needed to do something deliberately paranormal to get Gaz to lose interest in Robot Dib so that his slave could get the job done in peace. "Oh, look! Aliens! Ooh, look, Bigfeet!" Robot Dib announced, pointing up and left and right. And with that, he ran off into the crowd.</p>
      <p>Gaz shrugged. "That's more like it…I GUESS."</p>
      <p>"I'm glad you two arrived!" Prof. Membrane said, approaching Gaz. He lifted her off the ground and gently patted her on the head. This increased contact with her dad made her heart beat all the more faster. "The ceremony- WAIT! Where's your brother?" Prof. Membrane gasped, looking around.</p>
      <p>"He went runnin' after "Big Foot"." Gaz told him as her father put her down.</p>
      <p>"I need you to find him, Gaz! And…" He whispered the next line, leaning down. "Make sure he doesn't do anything embarrassing."</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Robot Dib was approaching the generator core. None of the guards could tell Robot Dib from the REAL Dib and all of them allowed him entrance! Dib, meanwhile, was hacking depeserately on his laptop, which now showed a first-person view of Robot Dib entering the large generator core for PEG.</p>
      <p>"Gah! He made it past security! Well, no surprise there, but…I've GOT to get control of this thing!" Dib spoke to himself.</p>
      <p>BEEP! The hover screen in the warehouse turned back to normal, showing an irate-looking Zim who made the screen hover in front of the cage. "Not likely, Dib! My lockout programs will prevent you from-"</p>
      <p>"Lockout-schockout! I'm ALREADY breaking through the vocal circuits and soon I'll control the whole robot!" Dib proclaimed.</p>
      <p>Zim frowned. "What?!" He turned to GIR. "GIR, why aren't the lockout programs working?! I KNOW I installed…"</p>
      <p>Then he blinked and looked to the left at the large crates of soda, which Sue was sitting on, doing her hair. "…or maybe I sold them to buy soda…"</p>
      <p>"I'm going to STOP you, Zim!" Dib snapped. "Yeah, I want people to take me seriously! But unlike you, I understand that my own selfish needs come AFTER trying to do right by other people! And that's why you'll NEVER beat me!"</p>
      <p>Zim's eyes narrowed angrily. A hot, boiling fury arose in him. "So you want to play it that way. Fine…GIR!" His eyes narrowed. "Plan B…RELEASE THE <strong>MONKEY</strong>!" He announced, pointing up into the sky.</p>
      <p>GIR headed over to a nearby communicator and held onto it. "Monkeeeeyyyy!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>BOOOM! A large steel container shot along a cable that was attached to the ceiling and it crashed into the side of the cage, knocking Dib over. Dib gasped as a monkey's eyes appeared in the darkness to the far side of his cage, popping out and yowling as it beat it's chest. Dib then turned to look at his laptop, which displayed the words "Access vocal circuit…Y/N?"</p>
      <p>If he could JUST press "Y"…</p>
      <p>Dib stood up. He raced towards the laptop and aimed for the button but the monkey slapped his hand away. "OW! Hey!" Dib frowned. He tried to reach for it again.</p>
      <p>SLAP!</p>
      <p>"Quit it!"</p>
      <p>SLAP!</p>
      <p>"Oh YEAH?! Take THIS!" Dib slapped the monkey.</p>
      <p>SLAP!</p>
      <p>SLAP!</p>
      <p>SLAP!</p>
      <p>GIR, meanwhile, was eating buttery popcorn and watching the scene unfold with great interest while Robot Dib stood at the edge of the core in the generator room of PEG. Heading towards PEG with a screwdriver, he began screwing into the panel that said "DANGER" on it…</p>
      <p>Until Gaz's voice stopped him.</p>
      <p>"What are you doing?" She snapped.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Prof. Membrane was taking the stage. Two empty chairs sat behind him. "Before we get started, I'd like to introduce you all to my kids, who-" He turned around and saw they weren't there.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Cricket chirping</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"…OH. Well…we'll just…start PEG's warm-up procedure while we wait for them!" Prof. Membrane decided as one of the scientists pressed a button from a nearby control booth. Down in the generator, PEG began rotating slowly.</p>
      <p>"I don't feel very well! I think I'll just watch everything from down here!" Robot Dib lied.</p>
      <p>"Fine, Dib! I guess there's less chance you'll do anything crazy if you're not up there with us!" Gaz said, folding her arms.</p>
      <p>Dib had FINALLY distracted the monkey by pointing to the far side of the cage and now the words "Mouth Control Operation" appeared on the laptop. Dib took advantage of this immediately.</p>
      <p>"No! Gaz! Come back! It's a trap!"</p>
      <p>Zim gasped. "AH! He got it working! The monkey's failing me!" He quickly maneuvered the robot to cover it's own mouth as Gaz turned around to see Robot Dib fiddling around with itself. It pulled on it's own cheeks, waved one arm while lifting one leg, punched itself over and over…Dib, who was being attacked by the monkey, was fighting for control along with Zim and things were not going well.</p>
      <p>"AAA! THE MONKEEEYYY!" Dib shouted.</p>
      <p>"Okay. I warned you." Gaz whispered softly, clenching her fists as she approached Robot Dib, making Zim scream like a little girl. Robot Dib immediately grabbed ahold of a tube that was sticking out from PEG, trying to keep far away from Gaz as her eyes blazed. "You're just asking for it, Dib!" She shouted.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Dib was pinned to the ground by the monkey whilst the robot leapt from tube to tube, screaming all the way. "It's in my braaain! My braaaaiiinn!"</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane sighed as he tapped his foot, looking around left and right. Where WERE Gaz and Dib?</p>
      <p>"Hey, where's my free power, huh? Eh, deh, does that thing even work? Huh? Huh?" Someone shouted, throwing an ice cream cone that splattered near Prof. Membrane. "BOOOO! BOOOO!"</p>
      <p>Robot Dib had now reached an opening in the wall which was VERY close to the outside…but Gaz was standing there, growling. Somehow she'd reached the top before he had!</p>
      <p>"Help me Gaz!" Dib said through Robot Dib's speakers. Gaz responded by grabbing his head, pulling Robot Dib up and slamming him into the wall over and over whilst Dib managed to pin the monkey against the cage wall with his foot. "Good work Gaz! What you've been fighting is actually a robot controlled by Zim!" He announced as Gaz began to strangle Robot Dib's neck, making it's eyes bug out of it's sockets.</p>
      <p>"Now you've gotta rescue me! I'm at the warehouse! It's twenty miles-"</p>
      <p>POP! One eye popped out and Zim screamed, falling out of his chair. The robotic eye flew through the air and shot up a shaft onto the stage above… landing right by Prof. Membrane, who looked down at it. "Oh, so you think this is all a big joke, do you? VERY funny!" He snapped. "Well, okay, if you people don't wanna take perpetual energy seriously, then fine! No power for you!" He told them folding his arms as his fellow scientists powered down PEG, which lowered back down into the ground, the metal dome closing over the opening it had emerged from.</p>
      <p>"AWWWW…" The crowd groaned.</p>
      <p>"Awww, your little robot boy's broken!" GIR said sadly, putting one arm around Zim's shoulder as he clenched his claws.</p>
      <p>"Nooooooooo-eh, whatever, let's go look at the monkey." Zim announced.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Gaz had realized indeed that the thing lying down in front of her now was a robot. And she rubbed her chin, getting an idea…</p>
      <p>SOME TIME LATER…</p>
      <p>Gaz played GS2 whilst Robot Dib, dressed as a maid with a metal plate over it's mouth approached her, bringing a tray with a glass of water on it. Gaz paused the game and sipped the water. "Ahhh…"</p>
      <p>And then dumped the rest on Robot Dib, making it spew electricity. The hover screen showing Prof. Membrane floated into the living room, with Gaz and Dib's father nodding approvingly. "Ah, it's GOOD to see you two getting along!"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, a very annoyed Dib, covered with gray hair and a beard was clinging to the cage, with the monkey whacking him on the head over and over. Zim and GIR were watching the whole thing from a viewscreen nearby, snacking on popcorn and laughing.</p>
      <p>"…okay, I hate my sister now." Dib muttered angrily.</p>
    </div>
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<a name="section0035"><h2>35. It Feeds on Noodles!</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <strong>IT FEEDS ON NOODLES</strong>
      </p>
      <p>It was a seemingly ordinary day as a few small clouds passed over the suburbs of Philadelphia. Nick was enjoying a famous Philly Cheese Steak and chowing down into it as he, Gaz and Dib all sat together at a carnival, eating tons of disgusting snack foods.</p>
      <p>"First things first…how did your trip to outer space go? See any ALIENS?" Dib asked eagerly.</p>
      <p>"I did, yeah. Star Command was really very nice. Unfortunately they didn't have any info on what happened to this reality's version of me, even though according to your Dad I headed off in their direction on the far right side of the Milky Way."</p>
      <p>"Okay. Secondly…did you have to get the <strong>footlong</strong>?" Dib asked Nick as the guide kept chomping away. "I mean…look at all that <strong>CHEESE</strong>!" He remarked.</p>
      <p>"Don't go sassin' my cheese." Nick snapped, mouth half-full. He put the foot-long Philly Cheese Steak down and held up a little list. "On my "Priorities" list it goes "Saving the World, Cheese…er…"</p>
      <p>Very visibly, Kelsey Hawkins name was imprinted under "Cheese". Nick nervously erased it and then went back to listing the priorities. "Keeping my teaching job, staying fit, getting a car, punching out House MD and getting ahold of a megaphone. So cheese is number two. Got it?"</p>
      <p>"Where are WE?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"You're included in number one. But don't mess with number two, okay?" Nick asked.</p>
      <p>"For me, Game Slave 2 is MY number two." Gaz spoke up, a can of "Poopsi" in her hand. "I'M number one."</p>
      <p>"Uh…you sure are?" Nick offered.</p>
      <p>Gaz sniggered at this. Meanwhile, a disguised Zim was walking with GIR through the carnival, looking at the many booths for food. Or, he HAD been looking at the many booths. He turned around to see GIR was raising a paw up to gesture at a caramel apple. The man behind the counter went "Awww" and handed him one. "Here ya go, little doggy!"</p>
      <p>GIR took the apple and began licking it, obviously overjoyed. Zim sighed and headed to the booth as well. "I'd like a lollipop." He spoke up. "And…put a WIG on it." He added slyly.</p>
      <p>The man at the booth nodded and held up a large, swirling, circular lollipop, then ran it through the cotton candy machine, making cotton candy swirl around it so that it looked like it wore a toupee. Zim handed the man some money and took the lollipop, grinning. "Ah, sweet, delicious snack foods. Perhaps not EVERYTHING about this planet is so depressing, GIR. It's moments like these that I somewhat ENJOY being here on this FILTHY planet!" He remarked.</p>
      <p>"Uh…bark?" GIR responded.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, you're LEARNING!" Zim said happily, slurping the cotton candy off his lollipop.</p>
      <p>Nick looked up and sighed as he saw Mr. Michael White passing by, holding onto a large stuffed pink bear that was obviously for Kelsey Hawkins. Her ponytailed dark hair swirled behind her as White's pink eyes filled with laughter and Nick sighed in a mixture of sorrow and happiness.</p>
      <p>"Look at her. Look at him. THEM." Nick said softly. "They're so…SWEET together. Like before…"</p>
      <p>"That guy's been with Kelsey before?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"The thing is, yeah. White is…my not so better half. His body is chaos in the form of a human, and he a sort of reflection of my own heart and soul. He's essentially my darker side, my "diabolical" self, the worst parts of me." Nick admitted. "He got brought into being when I exploded."</p>
      <p>"You exploded?" Gaz remarked. "THAT'S interesting. How many pieces?"</p>
      <p>"…they kinda…weren't able to find them all…" Nick admitted sheepishly. Gaz, however, found this even MORE interesting, and her eyes told Nick to go on. "Anyhow, while I was dead and off in a parallel dimension as a result, White was born into being and he started making moves on my girlfriend. Even though he's essentially only got leftovers from my own self, I get the feeling that spending time with her's allowing him to develop real feelings that aren't just based on whim…"</p>
      <p>"Are you really alright with him dating her? I mean, he drinks, he smokes pot on the street corner, I've seen him ogling stuff at the newsstand…" Dib went on.</p>
      <p>"He burnt down Hot Topic. For that, I blew up his motorcycle." Gaz remarked.</p>
      <p>"Oh, that was YOU? The fireworks were a touch of GENIUS!" Nick told her. "Yeah, I'm okay with it. As long as she's happy, I'M happy."</p>
      <p>"Well I'm NOT happy seeing Zim here at the carnival." Dib snapped, pointing at Zim, now sitting in the carousel across the way. GIR was puking out the side of a sleigh whilst Zim turned green. "There's got to be some way to get at him that I haven't tried…"</p>
      <p>Then he saw some people approaching Zim…one of them was Sue. She motioned at Zim, apparently introducing him to the other young people who looked Zim over and smiled at him. Zim was a little nervous looking at them, but Sue just patted him on the shoulder, and he seemed to be comforted by her touch.</p>
      <p>The first person Sue introduced Zim to was a brown-haired girl who had a FINE looking butt, strawberry-glittered lips and strong-looking arms and legs. The next person was a guy who had horned-rimmed glasses, a labcoat with the arms ripped off, big boots and a diamond stud in his ear. To his right was a nasty-looking girl with grungy hair, a pointed nose and she was twitching nervously. The last one was a young boy who was quite cute-looking, who had shortly-cropped hair.</p>
      <p>"Meet Marian, Marty, Andy and Perry. They're all close to me. Like family, really!" Sue told Zim.</p>
      <p>"Aw, Reel, thanks for being so sweet about us." Marty said, smiling gently.</p>
      <p>"Reel?" Zim inquired.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, Reel's my real name to be truthful. Sue's my last name." Sue told Zim.</p>
      <p>"Boy, Sue sure is good with Zim." Dib remarked out loud..</p>
      <p>Wat…</p>
      <p>That was it, he thought to himself. Sue was good with Zim. VERY good. If he could get her on HIS side, she could coax Zim towards a guts-flying-everywhere fate! Dib rubbed his chin and then hopped out of his seat. "I'm…going to go get something to drink. I'll see you later!" He announced, waving goodbye to Nick and Gaz and heading for the carnival.</p>
      <p>"What's HE up to?" Nick wondered out loud.</p>
      <p>"Who cares?" Gaz announced. "Now get me some Fried Dough."</p>
      <p>"On it!" Nick said, nodding his head and taking off for the carnival himself.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… Dib carefully approached the hall of Mirrors Sue had walked into and composed himself. "Okay, Dib…let's do this." He said, heading inside. He looked around at the various mirrors…some which showed his limbs splayed out ridiculously, others which made him look SUPER fat, another which made him look skinny…</p>
      <p>"Sadly, not a single mirror is gonna keep your head from looking un-big." A voice called out.</p>
      <p>"MY HEAD IS NOT BIG!" Dib yelled, waving his fists in the air. "Wait…Sue, is that you?"</p>
      <p>Sue appeared from a doorway, leaning against it and smiling. "I can tell you want my help. What's the sitch?"</p>
      <p>"Huh?"</p>
      <p>"The situation. What have you got for me?" She inquired of Dib.</p>
      <p>"What I've got is a plan to expose Zim for the alien menace he truly is…and you're going to help me!" Dib exclaimed, pointing at Sue.</p>
      <p>Sue blinked. "Dib…you…" She put her hands to her chest. "You don't know how HAPPY this makes me!" She said happily, tears appearing in her eyes.</p>
      <p>Dib blinked nervously, titling his head to the side. "What?"</p>
      <p>Sue rushed forward and got on her knees, throwing her arms around Dib. "I was wondering when you'd want to join with me! Oh, I KNOW Zim's an alien and I've been waiting for you to ask for my help for so long!" Her sweet voice told him. She held his arms and arched back slightly, looking into his eyes. "I've got a plan to…a way for everyone to think of him as a menace and for YOU to be thought of us a hero!"</p>
      <p>Dib's eyes widened. "You…do?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"Yes!" Sue said, nodding. "You see, my friends…they know people who know people. Specifically…Vampires!" She grinned. "We've been in contact with a group of vampires who operate at night. We'll have one of them bite Zim…he'll become a vampire and then you'll be able to stake him right through the heart in front of everyone, exposing him as the evil being he is! Even if nobody sees him as an alien, they'll know he's a vampire when he starts sucking blood!"</p>
      <p>Dib blinked a few times. "Well, a paranormal attack WOULD be a good idea…" He said, walking around the funhouse as he rubbed his chin. "But…I'd need to expose him during the schoolday, that would be the best time…probably right in front of school…and vampires don't do so well in sunlight…"</p>
      <p>"There are three kinds of vampires." Sue spoke up. "Remember?"</p>
      <p>Dib blinked, turning back to look at Sue. "How do you know that?"</p>
      <p>"Oh, MARTY knows that stuff. He's a member of the Swollen Eyeball Network. He says his codename is Agent Chupacabra." Sue said, waving her hand in the air.</p>
      <p>"OOOOOH." Dib's eyes widened, mouth forming a perfect "o". He'd HEARD of the legendary agent.</p>
      <p>"There's three types, right? Dracula types, which actually turn into bats and have all the classic weaknesses, Phantasm types, which can only be killed by sunlight and who have pale complexions, and Nosferatu types, who are hardier than Phantasms and Draculas." Sue said. "What do you say? I'm sure the Nosferatu we know would LOVE to taste some alien blood."</p>
      <p>Dib rubbed his chin. "Well…" He nodded. "Okay. I guess I can't go easy on Zim. Not anymore!"</p>
      <p>"Good. I'll take you to the Nosferatu's lair." Sue said, nodding her head. "And relax, he doesn't bite…not CLIENTS, anyway!" She laughed, throwing her head back as lightning split the background behind her.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…night was falling as Sue and her friends led Dib to a large door that was situated at a warehouse of darkened steel. The words "Danger, High Gamma Radiation Levels" were printed on the door but Sue just smiled at Dib. "Don't worry, it's a fake. Mr. Frog bought it off the internet to keep unwanted people away."</p>
      <p>Andy knocked on the door a few times, then did some quick rapping. The door swung open and a balding man with a reddish/brown moustache/goatee combination answered the door. He wore a dark leather jacket, studs in his ears and an army shirt. "You gots a job for me, I take it?" He whispered softly.</p>
      <p>"As a matter of fact we do." Andy said. "Can we come in?"</p>
      <p>Mr. Frog looked left and right as the sky turned a shade of dark blue. Then he nodded, allowing them to come inside the warehouse. As Dib stepped in he noticed the whole place was painted…there were symbols of the Zodiac all over, as well as strange script on the walls. Sumerian. Linear B. Hieroglyphs.</p>
      <p>"It would make a lot more sense readin' if you got blind drunk, but you're only what, 10?" Mr. Frog croaked out, laughing. "Wouldn't want to break the LAWWWW." He sniggered as he sat down in a large plushy chair of red leather. There was a huge plushy bed to the right, and a big trapdoor leading downstairs. Dib guessed it was to his coffin…</p>
      <p>Looking up at a chandelier, one of MANY that were hanging from the top of the warehouse, Dib gulped. "So, uh…I…" His throat felt parched. "I'm a little nervous about this…how exactly are you going to bite Zim and make him a vampire?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"Well it's simple." Mr. Frog said. "Sue found out from your good friend Mr. Grey that Mr. Grey plans to take you all out to Chinese food tonight."</p>
      <p>Dib blinked. "Oh, really? I do love Beef and Broccoli…"</p>
      <p>"When Zim least suspects it…I'll bite him on the neck. In fact, I plan to get him when he's going to the bathroom to puke up the food that his alien stomach won't let him tolerate." Mr. Frog said, licking his lips and revealing sharp incisors which made Dib gulp. "He'll be an easy target."</p>
      <p>Dib felt very hot…thirsty…hungry. "Um…do you…do you have anything I could eat or drink, it's kinda…humid in here…" He said, tugging at his collar.</p>
      <p>"I've got some corn on the cob left over from the carnival. It's salty!" Perry said, holding up a corn on the cob on a stick. Dib was struck by how CUTE he was…he made Dib feel so at ease. "Here you go." Perry said, handing him the corn on the cop. "And here…"</p>
      <p>He handed Dib a bottle. "Cherry cola. It's kinda strong though, don't chug it down!"</p>
      <p>Dib didn't seem to care how very RED the cola was. He just bit into the corn, chewed it happily for a few times, then sipped the cola and let it go down his throat as Mr. Frog went on, with Sue and her friends standing behind Dib. "Don't you worry about anything, kid. We're gonna take care of this friend of yours. I've been meanin' to see what an alien's blood looks…and TASTES like."</p>
      <p>"I don't feel so good." Dib groaned, covering his mouth.</p>
      <p>"Yep, that'll be all that salt." Perry said as Dib turned green.</p>
      <p>DING-DONG!</p>
      <p>Zim approached his front door and blinked at the sight of Nick standing there. "Uh, what is it?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"Get GIR. I'm taking you out to dinner tonight, remember?" Nick told him.</p>
      <p>Zim frowned. "You are?"</p>
      <p>"Yeah, you agreed to it, remember?" Nick spoke up. "I asked you nicely three times?"</p>
      <p>"You lie…YOU LIIIIEEE!" Zim hissed, holding up an accusatory claw at Nick.</p>
      <p>"No, seriously. I asked you three times and you said no. So then I got out this piece of paper…"</p>
      <p>Nick held up a piece of paper. "And I asked you for your <em><strong>autograph</strong></em>…" Nick's eyebrows went up and down. "Rememmmmber?"</p>
      <p>Zim's eyes went wide when he saw what had been neatly typed up at the top of the page. It was a contract…of him agreeing to go out to dinner at "Green Tea Restaurant"…with HIS signature at the bottom!</p>
      <p>"You're INSIDIOUS!" Zim remarked. "I can't believe you'd trick me like that just to get me to bond with the Dib-stink, you hair-beast!...obviously you're more clever than I thought you were." He admitted.</p>
      <p>"Well, a good teacher learns a couple things from the people he's supposed to be teaching." Nick informed Zim, nodding his head. "Now c'mon! You might actually like this!"</p>
      <p>"No, no, no, nooooo!" Zim cried out as Nick dragged him out of his house. GIR poked his head up from behind the couch, squealed, then ran after him.</p>
      <p>"GIR! Disguise!"</p>
      <p>"Sowee." GIR said, rushing back into the house, going up the stairs…</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Jeopardy Theme Music</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Nothing happened for a little while. Then GIR bounded down the steps, dressed in his disguise and following the others, heading out the door.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the jade green walls of the "Green Tea" restaurant had Chinese characters lining the very top, with large beautiful paintings of waterfalls, open plains and other pictures of China being shown off. One of them was the Great Wall, which got Zim interested.</p>
      <p>"So…they built a wall…"</p>
      <p>"Yep." Nick said, nodding his head. They'd ordered a "Sampler" for an appetizer.</p>
      <p>"But…it DIDN'T keep people out?"</p>
      <p>"Nope. The Mongolians ran RIPSHOD over them." Nick said, nodding his head again.</p>
      <p>"HA! Foolish huuuuumans." Zim sniggered, covering his mouth.</p>
      <p>Dib sat across from him, looking intently at him. Or rather, THROUGH him, seeing that Mr. Frog was sitting in the booth behind the one they were in…and his back was to Zim's. He turned his head and nodded at Dib as Nick looked at the menu and Gaz looked at GIR, who had stuck his chopsticks in his mouth and was pretending to be an ogre.</p>
      <p>"Little billy goat!" GIR called out. "Gimme all your tacos!"</p>
      <p>Gaz rolled her eyes and turned her head as the sampler dish arrived. Nick rubbed his hands and held up a stick of Teriyaki beef, biting into it. "C'mon Zim…try something!" He offered as Dib got to work on some Sweet and Sour chicken and Gaz helped herself to a chicken wing, with GIR slurping up the Soy Sauce that had been brought with the sampler appetizer order.</p>
      <p>Zim nervously looked the food over, poking a bowl with his fork, then sighed and took the bowl. It had Lo Mein noodles in it, hot and steaming. He took a deep breath, then his fork dove in, lifting the noodles to his mouth…</p>
      <p>Dr. Frog blinked in surprise, along with the others, as Zim let out a "MMM" noise. "Say, this is actually not too bad." He admitted, slurping the noodles up.</p>
      <p>"Well noodles are a type of pasta. This stuff is basically a form of dough in brown sauce with some vegetables stirred in." He admitted, jabbing a fork at the Lo Mein. "Plus pasta's good for you. Got good carbohydrates in 'em, my brother downs pasta like it's his crack!"</p>
      <p>Zim slurped up some more. "I'm going to order more of this human dish!" He announced. "You!" He shouted, pointing at a nearby waiter. "Bring Zim noodles! NOW!"</p>
      <p>Mr. Frog swore in his head. This complicated things greatly. Oh well…Zim would have to get sick of them eventually, he thought out loud as Nick ordered dumplings and a large order of Beef and Broccoli for him and Dib to share, while Gaz asked for Mu-Shu Pork.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…unfortunately, Zim ENJOYED the noodles a lot. Time was passing. Soon they'd head back to their homes. Zim was continuing to slurp down the noodles, he was on his THIRD bowl and Nick was downing his fourth root beer and sobbing horridly as Dib tried desperately to comfort her.</p>
      <p>"I know I want her to be happy but it hurts so MUCH inside…she's was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me…she came from my own world…there was so much I wanted to DO with her and…and now I'll never get to! I want her baaaaackk!" He sobbed.</p>
      <p>"Uh…it's okay…it's okay…" Dib said, patting him on the shoulder, feeling VERY nervous about this.</p>
      <p>"<strong><em>Whiner</em></strong>." Gaz remarked, rolling her eyes.</p>
      <p>"The loons…can you hear the loons!?" Nick sobbed, looking up at the light fixtures.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, I can hear 'em alright!" Gaz thought to herself, smiling broadly.</p>
      <p>Mr. Frog was gripping his drink so hard and shaking so badly that the drink was spraying all over. At last he could take it no more.</p>
      <p>"BLEAUGH!" He exclaimed, popping over the top of the booth and biting into Zim's neck.</p>
      <p>"YEEOOOWWW!" Zim yelled as Mr. Frog ran out of the booth. "What on IRK!? FILTHY BITING BEAST!" He snapped. "Zim will avenge this insult!"</p>
      <p>Nick blinked in surprise as he saw dark green blood ooze out from Zim's neck. "Uh, I think we'd better get you some band-aids…" He remarked, standing up.</p>
      <p>"Nonsense, it's a minor bite wound. It does no harm to Ziiiim!" Zim insisted, putting his gloved claws to his neck. "It'll heal in a few minutes. No problem whatsoever!"</p>
      <p>"Ew, it's drippin'!" GIR announced, pointing at Zim's neck as the blood oozed out onto the noodles like some sick sauce.</p>
      <p>"…I have to vomit now." Dib announced, turning green all over again.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…well, they all headed back to their houses. Sue watched Dib and Zim get dropped off and smiled as she put her hands together. "Yes…sleep peacefully my precious." She crooned as she looked at Zim's house. "When you awaken…"</p>
      <p>Her form rippled, changing as she smiled more broadly. "It will be among friends…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim rubbed his eyes as he headed for the kitchen. He had a STRONG desire for some leftover Lo Mein. GIR was fast asleep from what he could hear by the soft whispering that GIR did. He would hear mumblings about corn, weenies, burning things and lots and lots of talk about squirrels with big teeth.</p>
      <p>Ignoring the usual whispering, Zim carefully snuck down the stairway and over to the refrigerator door. He opened it up and pale light shot out, and as he carefully looked around for where he'd put the Lo Mein, he couldn't see…couldn't see the shadows that appeared behind him. But as he closed the door she appeared to the side…Marian.</p>
      <p>"Hello Zim." Marian said quietly.</p>
      <p>"AAA!" Zim gasped, stepping back…right into Perry. "AAA! What are you doing in-AAA!" He gasped at the sight of Andy stepping forward from the hallway. "What are you all doing in my house!? I'm so…EXPOSED!"</p>
      <p>"Relax, Zim…you're with frieeeends." Sue's voice called out gently as she entered the kitchen, caressing GIR as the little robot lay in her arms. Zim felt himself calm down slightly as Sue motioned for him to sit at the table. He sat down as Sue stroked GIR like a cat, smiling at him. "You see, Zim…I've had my eye on you for a long time. And we're not so different, you and I. We both want to be noticed, we want to be important. And I know you feel slightly alone here on Earth. The thing is…I admire you greatly Zim…I worship the ground you walk on."</p>
      <p>She put GIR on the table and stepped back. "And now I'm going to show you a little…surprise…"</p>
      <p>She gently squeezed her breasts, smiling lovingly at Zim, and right before her eyes she changed…now she was a female Irken with a smooth head, beautiful pink eyes…she wore a large white t-shirt just like she normally did, but it had grown larger still. Her pants were gone, but the shirt covered up her extremities, and she had candy-cane-shaped antennae on her head. She giggled a little, covering her mouth with her gloved claws.</p>
      <p>"I'm Irken, like you." She told Zim. "And a change is overcoming you, Zim…a beautiful change. And with it…you'll have power you didn't have before. You'll be able to fly. Your strength will increase. You'll never grow old…" She grinned. "But you must feed…"</p>
      <p>The camera zoomed in on her zipper-toothed mouth as she spoke slowly. "On noodles…" She said erotically.</p>
      <p>Zim gasped as he put two and two together. He felt his teeth, realizing he now had CHOPSTICKS in his mouth, like fangs…his skin had turned paler than normal and he ran to a nearby plate, looking at his reflection in the mirror and seeing that his eyes had turned slightly red.</p>
      <p>But a feeling was rising in him. One of incredible power…and an insatiable appetite.</p>
      <p>"I…need…NOODLES!" He proclaimed, his eyes glittering wildly as he licked his chopstick lips.</p>
      <p>"You'll have them." Sue said. "And I'll have you. We'll be the perfect couple, Zim…you and I will take over the world…and nobody's going to be able to stop us…to stop YOU."</p>
      <p>She giggled madly and Zim began to laugh, cackling evilly. Soon the others joined in as GIR nervously kicked at the air in his sleep, mumbling about how he'd like a big sausage.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib tossed and turned in his sleep. He was dreaming…such a strange dream. He was in a dark abyss, but it was FILLED with corn on the cop. He was making a "corn angel" as he spread his arms back and forth, going up and down along with his legs. He smiled in a giddy fashion as he held aloft one sheath of corn and his jaws opened wide to bite into it…</p>
      <p>"DIB!"</p>
      <p>Dib awoke to see that he was biting onto Gaz's lamp…in her room. She frowned angrily as she turned to look at him, her eyes burning. "Dib, you have THREE seconds to explain why you're…" Her eyes bugged out. "What…happened…to your TEETH?"</p>
      <p>Dib blinked. "What do you mea-oh…" He felt his teeth with his tongue…only they weren't teeth anymore. They were long nubs…of CORN KERNALS…</p>
      <p>"That…this can't be…" He whispered. "Unless…that cherry cola…it wasn't cola they gave me…it was BLOOD…" He ran to the mirror in Gaz's room and looked at himself, placing his hands on his face, his skin now paler than normal. "I…I'm a VAMPIRE!" He gasped out. "A corn-eating VAMPIRE!" Then he blinked. "Wait…if I'VE become a foul, undead creature of the night that eats CORN, then…then ZIM must…"</p>
      <p>"Woah." Gaz remarked.</p>
      <p>"Woah what?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"Your feet aren't touching the ground." She said.</p>
      <p>Dib looked down and sure enough, he was floating up…up…and out the window!</p>
      <p>"AAAA!" He yelled, clinging to the curtains of the window as he slipped outside. "Gaz! Help meeee!"</p>
      <p>Gaz just went to the window and shut it tightly. Dib clung for dear life to the curtains, with the ends still sticking outside into the dark night as he called for Gaz to let him in. Gaz just smirked to herself, curled up in bed, and went back to sleep.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…White gently brushed Kelsey's hair as they sat next to each other in the cafeteria. Nick was eating some leftover Chinese dumplings for lunch and had stopped dipping them in sauce to look left and right. "Where are Zim, Dib and Gaz?" He asked White. "Did you see them come in?"</p>
      <p>"I only got eyes for this babe." White laughed, which made Kelsey giggle slightly.</p>
      <p>"Aw, you're so corny in the cutest way!" She told him.</p>
      <p>Nick sighed and held the dumpling up to his mouth…but the he noticed them coming in from opposite ends of the cafeteria.</p>
      <p>Zim and Dib. Zim's claws seemed sharper and longer underneath his gloves, and his eyes were a darker shade of red than before. He licked his lips, showing off sharp chopstick-shaped fangs and hissed at Zita, making her shuffle away.</p>
      <p>Dib's cloaked jacket now looked a lot like a cape. He put some sunglasses on his face and smirked, showing off some kernel-shaped fangs in his mouth as he put his hands in his pockets and walked down the cafeteria as the students close to him nervously gulped.</p>
      <p>All of the students seemed more frightened and awed by the two today. They were darker…EDGIER…and Nick gulped. There was a terrible vibe coming from the two as they sat down at Nick, Kelsey and White's table, with Gaz joining them.</p>
      <p>"Hello…DIB." Zim whispered softly.</p>
      <p>"Hello…ZIM." Dib spoke softly back. "Nice new look."</p>
      <p>"Yours is not that bad either." Zim said, shrugging. "Now…oh. Are those…dumplings…I see?" He inquired, looking at Nick's dumplings. He bared his chopstick fangs to Nick who frowned at him while Dib looked at the bag of cheesy popcorn White had to the side.</p>
      <p>"Those are MY dumplings, tough guy. Now you back off or be prepared to wrestle." Nick said dangerously.</p>
      <p>"Then PREPARE THYSELF!" Zim shouted, standing up and pointing tall. "Nobody shall deny ZIM of delicious Chinese goodness!"</p>
      <p>He jumped at Nick and knocked him to the ground, snarling and hissing as Nick looked at him with a horrified expression. The two rolled around on the ground with Nick desperately trying not to HURT Zim yet still get him off somehow. Dib, meanwhile, had buried his face in the bag of popcorn and was gulping them all down while White frowned. "Hey, that's-"</p>
      <p>"HISSSS!" Dib hissed, getting in White's face.</p>
      <p>"Er…I mean, go ahead, help yourself!" White said nervously, sweat pouring down his brow. Dib went right back to scarfing down the popcorn while White frowned. "Kelsey, you might wanna book it and get going…"</p>
      <p>"Get OFF!" Nick snapped, suddenly picking Zim up behind his collar and holding him up in the air. "Geez, what's wrong with you?"</p>
      <p>Then he looked through the cafeteria and saw Sue was giggling at this. GIGGLING. Nick focused in on her and he put Zim down. "Fine. Take my dumplings." He said, stepping back. And letting a happy Zim scarf them down. "If you'll excuse me…"</p>
      <p>He headed angrily towards Sue, stomping across the cafeteria so hard that footprints were deeply embedded in the floor. Sue "yelped" and quickly ran out of the cafeteria with Nick following behind her whilst White and Kelsey headed out the opposite direction…</p>
      <p>…and so it began! The kids screamed as Zim and Dib tore up the cafeteria looking for more Chinese food and corn. Some kids had, in fact, brought Chinese food with them for lunch, and others had brought corny products. People screamed and panicked, rushing around the cafeteria, arms above their heads as they hollered and Zim and Dib scarfed down their respective dishes…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… Nick raced down the hallway, which had it's overhead light fixtures flickering on and off. He frowned angrily as he turned left and right, calling out. "I know you murdered Jhonen and I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, Sue…I'm quick to anger and quicker to forgive, and perhaps that makes me stupid, but I'm not so stupid that I can't tell you've got something to do with this!"</p>
      <p>"Oh, Nick…you think you're so smart…yet you're so ridiculously BLIND." Sue's voice called out. "You have no idea what I've been up to."</p>
      <p>"I know that Zim seems FAR too at ease with you. He resists my efforts to get him and Dib to be friends all the time and I have to take this in stride. But everything YOU do he seems to adore! You did something to him, I KNOW you did!"</p>
      <p>"So what if I did?" Sue laughed gently, stepping out into the hallway, holding up a blue Guncon, making Nick glare at her. "Yeah, I fiddled with his mind when he was out selling candy bars for the school fundraiser. The intense heat made his mind easily molded. Now my every word makes him feel happy and comforted…and I'll use that, along with my height, to make Zimmy-Wimmy my snooky poo!"</p>
      <p>"What?!" Nick gave her a mortified look.</p>
      <p>"Zim SO needs a girlfriend, don't you think? He's too married to his work!" Sue explained, shrugging. "So enter me…Relationship Sue!" She proclaimed. She squeezed her breast with her other hand and right before Nick's eyes transformed into a pink-eyed Irken. She grinned at him with her zipper-toothed teeth and licked her lips with her worm-like tongue. "It'll be AMAZING. Dib'll be my personal pet. Eventually he'll completely give into his corn-vampire urges and the only thing he'll be able to think about is getting more food…and the only way he'll be able to get it is thorugh ME. I'll OWN him…"</p>
      <p>She then smiled wistfully. "Then Zim and I will destroy the city and take over the world. We'll get married in the burning rubble as the buildings crumble around us, he's gonna rock out with his c—k out and I'll jam out with my clam out and it's gonna be friggin' AWESOME!" She exclaimed, giddily laughing and giggling as she held her hands up and bounced 'round and 'round, making Nick blink in surprise. "I've always admired Zim since the moment I saw him…I knew he just needed a girl to get him to straighten up and be competent!"</p>
      <p>"You're…you're…you're forcing him to fall in love with you! That's wrong!"</p>
      <p>"YOU fell in love." Sue said simply, aiming the Guncon back at him.</p>
      <p>"That happened NATURALLY. ACCIDENTALLY"! Nick said, sweeping his hand to gesticulate his point. "We started out as friends who really liked each other and came to realize we loved each other! You're not starting out as his friend, it's no "love at first sight" deal where your love's reciprocated…I wouldn't even mind if it you honestly DID love him and tried to work for his love, you're CHEATING by having him bent to your will! That's against the rules!"</p>
      <p>"You're going to tell ME about breaking the rules? Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black!" Sue laughed.</p>
      <p>"Everything I've done has been not for my own desires, but to help Zim and Dib and Gaz and GIR and all the others become better people. I've bailed them out of jams not because I wanted something from them but because they needed <em>help</em>. I'm PROUD of what I've done." Nick said. "And I'm going to cure them!"</p>
      <p>"No…you won't." Sue said. "GUYS!"</p>
      <p>Nick gasped as he was surrounded on all sides by the Andi, Marty, Marian and Perry. "Alright, Sues, hold him steady."</p>
      <p>"You sick little!" Nick screamed. "I'll…I'll…"</p>
      <p>"You won't do ANYTHING. You don't fight girls, do ya you little pussy?" Andi sneered.</p>
      <p>"And you…sniff…" Perry's eyes welled up with tears. "You wouldn't hurt a little kid, wouldja?"</p>
      <p>"…well…no…I <strong>wouldn't</strong>…" Nick admitted, nervously biting his lip.</p>
      <p>"<strong>THAT'S</strong> what we were counting on." Marty laughed as Sue raised her gun and aimed…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib and Zim were now sitting in Principal Prickley's office. The principal raised two files up to the light which had the words "Dibbun Membrane" and "Zim" on them. He took a deep breath, his moustache twitched, and he spoke.</p>
      <p>"Dibbun Membrane. Four reports of stalking teachers out in the parking lot. You claimed they were satyrs. A complaint from one child that you harassed him by saying his dad was a Sasquatch. Several dozen complaints from Ms. Bitters that you're annoying, but we get complaints like that so often I really don't care anymore. She's been around for so long we've gotten used to it."</p>
      <p>"How long has she BEEN here?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"We built the school AROUND her 200 years ago." Prof. Membrane announced.</p>
      <p>"And she still LIVES?!" Zim asked, looking confused.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, you know Old Kid" Dib explained. "He's…189, I believe. By 300 it will be CRA-CRAK!" Dib gesticulated. "The end! Ain't my Dad's modern medical advances great?"</p>
      <p>Zim mumbled something about being 158 years old and that he couldn't believe the Dib stink might actually outlive him, but Principal Prickley's words drowned out his mumblings to Dib's ear. "Zim, you've been written up for being caught in the hallways with suspect reading material…apparently you were drooling over "Insect of the Month". Also, you've been written up three times for demanding that people "obey the fist" in the cafeteria, and you're under suspicion for fiddling with Mr. Membrane's locker. Ultimately there haven't been any VIOLENT actions, so tell me…"</p>
      <p>Principal Prickley turned around and slammed his hands down on his desk. "WHY DID YOU CONSPIRE TO DESTROY THE CAFETERIA?!"</p>
      <p>Dib and Zim immediately pointed at each other. "It was his fault!" They said at the same time.</p>
      <p>"Well then since neither one of you can decide who is truly and solely to blame, I suppose I should punish you BOTH." Principal Prickley said, leaving the office.</p>
      <p>Zim and Dib looked at each other, blinking. Then they spoke up. "It was GAZ'S fault!" They called after Principal Prickley.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib and Zim groaned as they pushed a mop and broom respectively across the floor of the ruined cafeteria. There were scraps of food tossed everywhere, several tables had been broken in half, three light fixtures had fallen down and the walls had chair thrown into them. "This is YOUR fault." Dib snarled angrily, exposing his kernel fangs. "If you weren't here, I wouldn't have turned into a vampire and…"</p>
      <p>He sighed. "No, this is my fault. What have I turned into? I sent that stupid Nosferatu to bite you and-"</p>
      <p>"YOU sent that vampire after ZIIIIM!?" Zim snarled. "I ought to…GRRR…" He clenched his fists and broke the mop over his legs. "We fought once before and this mess that we are being forced to clean up is a result of our desires to satisfy SICKENING urges! I can't believe I got on my KNEES to lick sweet and sour pork off the ground! And now I have to clean this like…like…" He shuddered. "Like a lowly service drone!"</p>
      <p>"We've got to find a cure." Dib spoke up. "But…I don't know what that might be…"</p>
      <p>"A fillerbunny." Gaz told them as she calmly stood in the doorway of the cafeteria. Zim and Dib turned their heads, their red eyes blinking.</p>
      <p>"Wh-what?"</p>
      <p>"What is this FILLERBUNNY you speak of, Gaz-beast?" Zim demanded to know, jabbing with an a claw.</p>
      <p>"If you eat a fillerbunny you'll return to normal. I happen to know a thing or two about vampires." She said, smirking proudly. "You know what a fillerbunny looks like, it's that pink bunny thing with the sunken-in black eyes…"</p>
      <p>Dib and Zim had the same thought bubble as an image of the fillerbunny appeared in their heads. "I think the school has one in the BIOLOGY room…" Dib realized out loud.</p>
      <p>He and Zim turned to look at Gaz, then looked at each other, then at the far side of the cafeteria, to the doorway that would lead them out into the halls that led to the biology lab.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>BGM: Chariots of Fire song</strong>
      </p>
      <p>(The camera shows the empty hallways, then the biology lab at the end of the long hallway. It slowly turns around and waits a few moments, then as the pace picks up, it shows Dib and Zim running in slow-motion down the hallways towards the laboratory. It does a side shot of Dib's arms flailing above his head as he shouts "It's miiiiine" and Zim pants, tongue bouncing up and down out of the side of his mouth as he shouts "You wiiiiish" right back. After seeing this, the backside of them both is shown as they race towards the biology room, still in slow motion, arms outstretched to break into the room…)</p>
      <p>SCHOMP!</p>
      <p>A cop grabs them from behind and holds them in midair. "I'll teach YOU to break into school while you're in school!" He snaps.</p>
      <p>"…wait, how does that make sense?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>CLONK!</p>
      <p>THUMP!</p>
      <p>In a few minutes they were tied to each other's wrists via handcuffs and being taken off to jail, both screaming with fury and hatred.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "I don't believe it." Gaz shook her head as White and Kelsey sat in the Membrane kitchen room. Gaz was looking at the newspaper which bore the headlines "Freakish Thieves Nabbed In The Act" and showing a photo of Zim and Dib glaring at each other with a handcuff connecting them together. "They both went off to jail." She grinned. "Worked like a charm!"</p>
      <p>"So you're the "anonymous tipster" mentioned in the newspaper?" White asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
      <p>"Serves them right for trying to pin the blame in the cafeteria on me." She remarked, shrugging.</p>
      <p>"You sent your own BROTHER…to JAIL." White remarked. "That's kinda…low."</p>
      <p>"They could DIE in prison." Kelsey agreed.</p>
      <p>"I don't want them to die, just to get beat up a lot." Gaz insisted. "Of course…" She thought about it, making a thoughtful expression with her face. "If they DO die, who am I going to beat up? And also Dad would probably go insane with grief for at least three weeks, that's what happened with mom according to the papers. I don't think I can deal with him being locked in the bathroom, stark naked, screaming "She's Gone" until his throat bleeds."</p>
      <p>"He'd probably be singing "Cats in the Cradle", actually…" White admitted.</p>
      <p>"I HATE that song. You're right, we've got to get them out of jail…" Gaz admitted. "Nick can help, right?"</p>
      <p>"…uh…no…" White admitted. "He's come down with a bad case of the dead and won't be able to help us out until he revives."</p>
      <p>"Sigh. What would you people do without me?" Gaz said, rolling her eyes.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…"ATTICAAA! ATTICAAAA!" Dib chanted, clanging a cup against the walls of the cell he and Zim were being forced to share.</p>
      <p>"Will you STOP that!?" Zim hissed. "I'm trying to get some rest!"</p>
      <p>"I need to keep focused on getting the fillerbunny! If I let my mind wander I'll start thinking about food and I'll-I'll…" Dib's eyes got misty as he licked his kernel-shaped fangs. "OH, what I'd give for a good corn on the cob right-NOOO!" He banged his head against the cell. "I have to get out of here!"</p>
      <p>"Ha! Pathetic human brain meats! Invader ZIM would never sully his thoughts with ideas of FOOD, not when there is freedom to be thought of!" Zim sneered. "Why would Zim waste time thinking of steaming hot pork dumplings, wrapped tenderly in fried dough and-AAAA!" Zim grabbed the side of his head. "The thoughts of Chinese food will not leave my brain!"</p>
      <p>He immediately grabbed his own cup and banged against the cell gratings. "ATTICA! ATTICA!"</p>
      <p>"No, we need a plan. We need…to make a riot!" Dib proclaimed. "That's how prisoners get attention paid to them…they riot!"</p>
      <p>"But…we're in prison. Society no longer values us. And even if they DID, we are only two people." Zim reasoned.</p>
      <p>"Yeah…but if we got the other prisoners to join in…" Dib reasoned right back. "THEN we'd have a successful riot on our hands!"</p>
      <p>"You're a bunch of kids." A prisoner from across the hallway said. "We aren't helping you unless you help US first."</p>
      <p>"Well…what do you want?" Dib and Zim ask.</p>
      <p>FIVE…MINUTES…LATER…</p>
      <p>"…lube, three chickens, a belly dancer and some bananas."</p>
      <p>Dib and Zim's mouth had gone VERY wide and had fallen to the ground, unhinged. The two then held their hands up to their cheeks and made little cranking motions as their jaws slowly but surely put themselves back into place. '</p>
      <p>"…let's do this ourselves." Zim suggested.</p>
      <p>"Good idea." Dib agreed. "But let's never talk about what we're going to do, alright?"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the entire cafeteria was painted in a pale, faded yellow as hardened criminal after hardened criminal sat together. They were real scumbags folks. People who would tape a MLB game without asking the manager of a team's permission…somebody who'd steal cell phone minutes from the satellite company…</p>
      <p>"So what did YOU do, Joe?"</p>
      <p>"Well, me and my wife got this puppy. Boy…she sure LOVED that puppy. Then I found out she was cheating on me. So I…TOOK IT BACK!"</p>
      <p>"Ooh, that's EVIL!" Joe's buddy spoke up.</p>
      <p>The entire prison block that was eating lunch at the moment was having beans and bread…and beans. And more beans.</p>
      <p>Which meant…</p>
      <p>PHHHBBB!</p>
      <p>BBBBRRRBBBT!</p>
      <p>BRAAAAP!</p>
      <p>PHAABHBBBTTT!</p>
      <p>FRAAAAP!</p>
      <p>"Can we have some more beans over here?" One fat-looking man called out, his bald head glinting as he held up his plate.</p>
      <p>"I think you've had ENOUGH." The warden gasped out.</p>
      <p>Dib and Zim turned to each other. Currently before Zim was a pie. He didn't even LIKE pie though. They both a feeling they SHOULD like pie, but not even DIB liked pie it was Chicken Pot Pie or Pizza Pie of Shepherd's Pie…what he had before him was a thick Cherry pie…</p>
      <p>Wait…PIE.</p>
      <p>What could you do with a pie besides eat it?</p>
      <p>Dib grinned, grabbed a chunk of pie in his fork and smiled to himself. He looked over at Zim and nodded, and Zim nodded back.</p>
      <p>Lunch…is…SERVED, Dib thought, flinging it behind him with his fork.</p>
      <p>KA-PLOGUH!</p>
      <p>It struck a fat-looking, dark blue-eyed criminal across the face and he growled, standing up. "WHO THREW THAT?!" He demanded.</p>
      <p>His eyes scanned the area and he immediately saw somebody was laughing at the sight of him being covered in pie. Picking HIM as the instigator, he launched a giant wad of sticky soup-like cream through the air…</p>
      <p>They missed and hit a female criminal in the back, and her head slammed into her mushy pudding dish, sending pudding flying all over her friends in front.</p>
      <p>"FOOD FIGHT!" Zim shouted.</p>
      <p>FWOOSH!</p>
      <p>Pudding, beans and pie were being flung everywhere. Zim dived under the table as a pie sailed through the air, striking the Warden in the head and he scrambled to the side, trying to hide under the table as well, cursing rapidly. A female criminal was hit in the head as a pulpy white mass of food struck her in the eye. She screamed and fell to her knees, screaming. "WHYYY! WHY DOES IT HUUURT?!"</p>
      <p>"HA-HA-HA-HA!" Another criminal laughed, grabbing chunks of meaty goodness and flinging it left and right with his arms…before he was hit square in the face, knocked on his butt and sliding into a pile of alien spaghetti.</p>
      <p>Somebody got ahold of one of the large bowls of M&amp;M's, and downed a large amount in a single gulp, then spat them out rapid-fire just as the guards entered the room, growling.</p>
      <p>"Not on OUR watch!"One shouted, rushing forward…</p>
      <p>BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA! He was struck over and over by the rapid-fired M&amp;M's, knocked into a trash can, his legs flailing over the can.</p>
      <p>"BWAAAAA!" Another screamed as one criminal jumped on top of him, dunking him in a big bowl of Jello and jumping on his head, over and over.</p>
      <p>"I CAN'T BREATHE! I can't breaaaathe!" Joe shouted, his head encased in squishy goodness.</p>
      <p>"Dude…it's JELLO." His friend Bubba spoke up, grabbing a chunk and slurping it up with his long, worm-like tongue.</p>
      <p>"Oh!" Joe calmly remarked, and proceeded to suck his way to freedom.</p>
      <p>One criminal had grabbed a huge condiment dispenser of mayo and was squeezing out "WARDEN SUZ0RZ" on the wall while another took a ketchup dispenser and was squirting "YOUR MOM WAS HOT LAST NIGHT". He was immediately shived in the back with a spork from an angry roommate.</p>
      <p>PLORCH! Using a slingshot, somebody launched a large amount of whipped cream that struck the Warden in the face as he stuck his head out to try and make his way to freedom. He crawled around on the ground, desperately trying to find his way to the door. Somebody held up two large 2-liters of soda in each gloved hand and grinned, shaking them up before popping the top and shooting the contents over the cafeteria like a fountain.</p>
      <p>"Let me tell you something about jail…IT BLOWS!" Another crook laughed, crawling to the nearby air duct and messing around with the controls of the air conditioning as he dumped a large amount of mustard into the vent and stood to the side, waiting. In a few minutes it POURED out through the anti-fire sprinkler system that normally sent out a foamy substance to douse any fires (not water, naturally) and…</p>
      <p>PLOOOOSH! Mustard was sent over everybody, sprinkling them everywhere.</p>
      <p>"It's MUSTARD!" The crook laughed. "You can't KETCHUP…cuz it's MUSTARD!" He giggled, rushing out the back door as everyone slipped around in the puddle of mustard, pudding, cream pie and soda.</p>
      <p>"It's a MADHOUSE! A MAAAADHOOOOUSE!" Somebody cried, holding a tray over his head to shield him.</p>
      <p>THWOOOSH!</p>
      <p>Zim and Dib, who had been hiding underneath their table, saw a fillerbunny covered in gravy thrown right in front of them. They looked at each other, then grabbed for the fillerbunny and began tugging…</p>
      <p>RRIIIIIPPP!</p>
      <p>They tore it in half. Shrugging, they stuffed the bunny into their mouths…</p>
      <p>PA-WHOOOOOOOM!</p>
      <p>Instantly they returned to normal, their skin changing to a good color, their eyes going back, their claws and fingernails shrinking again. Even their BREATH got better!</p>
      <p>"Ah…back to my beautiful Zimmy self." Zim said happily, placing his gloved claws on his chest.</p>
      <p>"But how are we gonna get out of here?" Dib wondered out loud as a man covered in pie crust sailed overhead.</p>
      <p>Then an announcement was made over the PA system. "ATTENTION. ATTENTION. WOULD DIB AND ZIM REPORT TO THE FRONT OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. GAZ IS HERE. REPEAT, GAZ IS HERE."</p>
      <p>All of the criminals stopped fighting and turned to look at Dib and Zim. Then they immediately ran to the side of the cafeteria to get far away from the two, almost like the duo had caught the plague. Gaz truly was that infamous.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…as it turned out, the police had not read Dib or Zim their rights, and as such they were released back to the outside world. White calmly drove his fancy Ferrari down the freeway with the top down as the wind blew their hair back. Zim had to hold his hair down as best he could as White spoke up.</p>
      <p>"Now I've been around to a lot of different worlds since I can manipulate the element of time with my chaos energy inside of me." White told them. "Time and space are mine to command. And what you experienced was a transformation into a "Lost Boys" style vampire. Unfortunately for you guys while eating a fillerbunny, even PART of one, cured you, there's still a threat. Sue is out there and she's out for you, Zim. She's sworn to make you her husband."</p>
      <p>Dib shivered. "She's really experimented on herself?"</p>
      <p>"Yeah. She's used magic to change her form into a half human, half Irken blend." White informed them. "Nick told me all he could after he staggered off to find me after being shot. But he still can't help us with these "Sues". I looked them up, they were on Star Command's files…all of them have powers. Sue's a crack shot who can draw a weapon from anywhere. Marian's an expert martial artist and no man can resist her charms. Andi's got incredible strength and endurance. Marty's a genius and a body builder in his spare time, and Perry has this "field" around him, a "cuteness field" that makes other people want to do what he asks them to…plus nobody, especially not Nick, has the guts to take him on."</p>
      <p>"If Nick had just SHOT Sue when he had the chance…why didn't he use his freaky powers?" Gaz demanded.</p>
      <p>"Hamma time?" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>"No, GIR, it's not hammer time!" Zim snapped.</p>
      <p>"My "other half" is a moron who doesn't fight girls or kids. Period. Now Relationship Sue is a stalker with a crush on Zim and <strong>she's</strong> the ringleader of Marian Sue, Marty Sue, Andi Sue and Perry T. Sue. They're all big problems and we need an EXPERT to figure out how to deal with them. Unfortunately the only one who knows how to kill them is…well…" White sighed.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "So…you've finally come crawling to me to ask for help." Johnny the Janitor said, crossing his longs arms in front of his skeletal frame. His messy black hair was dripping with sweat as he smirked at Dib, Zim, Gaz, GIR, White and Kelsey. He flicked on the on switch in the janitor's closet they were meeting him at to reveal there were hundreds of knives, sharp objects and guns on the walls, all on racks. "I KNEW you'd ask me eventually, White. Didn't think it would be on SUES though."</p>
      <p>"I'm LOATHE to ask you for help because you smell of blood, you don't bathe, and you're a disgusting murderer." White snapped. "I am a THIEF. I steal stuff. Nobody gets HURT."</p>
      <p>"Well it's a good thing you DID come to me. To be truthful I've been aware of some very serious Sue activity in this town for a long time…world is often a haven for their types. As a matter of fact, I have reason to believe that your friend Nick is a kind of "Fixer Sue". As a general rule they're really one of the few Sues you can trust since they're only there to help you guys out and don't act on selfish whim. But if you want, I can kill him."</p>
      <p>"He doesn't need YOUR help dying, since he keeps getting killed off by their shenanigans." White laughed. "We need you to tell us how to kill a Sue…"</p>
      <p>Johnny rubbed his hands together. "You came to the right place!" He laughed. "Old "Nny's" gonna tell you all you need to know." He held up a knife and licked it in front of them. "They'll be dead before the week is out!"</p>
      <p>"But first thing's first." Dib said. "Let's get that friggin' vampire who's blood I was tricked into drinking! Good thing I remember EXACTLY where he lives…"</p>
      <p>HALF AN HOUR LATER…</p>
      <p>"Well, maybe not EXACTLY…"</p>
      <p>They'd all been wandering around the downtown area for half an hour and had so far been unable to find the warehouse that Mr. Frog called home in the warehouse district of Phildelphia.</p>
      <p>"This is taking too long. Look there's about eighteen dozen warehouses made of colored steel, don't you remember anything SPECIFIC about the front?" White demanded to know.</p>
      <p>"Well…" Dib rubbed his chin. Then, in a thought bubble, a sign with the words "Danger, High Gamma Radiation Levels" appeared in his head. "Ah! Yes, there was a warning sign on the door! About High Gamma Radiation Levels!"</p>
      <p>White nodded. "Hold on."</p>
      <p>FWIP!-FWOOOP!</p>
      <p>He was gone and back in a couple of seconds. "Found it. THAT WAY." He said, pointing forward and to the right slightly at a blue-steeled building.</p>
      <p>Sure enough, there was the sign with the words "Danger, High Gamma Radiation Levels" on it on a blue steel warehouse. Opening the door carefully, Johnny looked left and right, then turned to Dib. "You ready to kill your first undead freak?" He asked. Dib nodded and Nny grinned. "THAT'S more like it. But try to be cheery about it!" He insisted, licking his knife and handing Dib a silver stake. "First come…first STAKED."</p>
      <p>"Leave the wit to the professionals, janitor." White remarked.</p>
      <p>"Stuff it, "guidance counselor"." Nny snapped.</p>
      <p>They approached the large trapdoor in the ground and Gaz opened it up. "Hmm. It smells funny." She remarked.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Foghorn blast</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"PAAAUGH! It smells like the Snot Caves of Beeblebrox Nine!" Zim gasped out. "I never thought I'd smell that surging sizzling stink again!"</p>
      <p>"Okay, got the stake?" Nny whispered as they climbed down into the dark recesses by using a ladder. There, at the bottom of the dark, slimey-walled pit was a coffin made of mahogany wood. Nny raised a finger to his mouth for them all to be quiet and they slunk over to the coffin, opening it up.</p>
      <p>There he was, in all his balding glory…and flies were circling around in the air. He was at his weakest. Dib gripped the stake tightly and raised it up…</p>
      <p>THA-THUNK!</p>
      <p>It went straight into his heart and the vampire began screaming, baring his fangs and showing off feral eyes as gooey purple/blue blood sprayed everywhere and Dib screamed madly along with Zim, who reeled back. Gaz made an annoyed expression as the stuff covered her outfit and White calmly flicked blood off his hair as the vampire screamed horribly over and over before turning into a think, goopy soup that dissipated into the air.</p>
      <p>"Now let's get out of here." Dib gasped, his heart pounding in his chest. "We gotta burn rubber."</p>
      <p>"Burn rubber? OKEYDOKEY!" GIR said, grabbing Dib and Zim by the collar and lifting himself and the two up into the air.</p>
      <p>"Burn rubber does not mean warp SPEEEEEEED!" Zim cried out as GIR said them out of the hole, out of the warehouse and into the sky.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…they'd all gathered together at the kitchen of the Membrane household as Nny sighed. "Well, unfortunately Plan A got blown. I was hoping the Sues would be there at Mr. Frog's place…I had thought it was their hideout as well."</p>
      <p>"So what's Plan B?" Gaz asked.</p>
      <p>"B is for Botulism!" GIR announced, pointing up at the sky.</p>
      <p>"We don't have a Plan B yet and we need to come up with one in three hours!" Nny said.</p>
      <p>"Why, what occurs in three hours?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>Nny's eyes narrowed as he looked left, then right, then spoke quietly. "The Sues will figure out what you did. And Relationship Sue will come for you before the night is out to finish things. In three hours the sun will go down, the cops will be off the street, and nobody really cares what happens after dark. They're like friggin' vampires themselves."</p>
      <p>"So how do we beat them?" Kelsey wanted to know.</p>
      <p>Nny grinned. "Luckily there ARE some things that work well on Sues…"</p>
      <p>And so the work began! While White got to work on making stakes out of wooden poles he got from the nearby Home Depot since a stake through the top of the top of the head was one of the few ways you could kill a Sue, Gaz filled the tub up with a special solution made in the basement whilst Dib and Zim got to work Sue-proofing the house by tricking out the security system and GIR and Kelsey just played cards. GIR kept losing because he kept eating all the poker chips and had nothing to bet with.</p>
      <p>Slowly the sun began to set…they were coming.</p>
      <p>Gaz went to the window and pulled the blinds to the side. "The sun's down." She said softly as they all stood together in the bedroom, the doors and windows locked, glancing nervously left and right. "Here they come."</p>
      <p>"Places everyone!" Nny demanded. Everyone took off out of the bedroom and into the main hall…</p>
      <p>SCHA-BOOOOM!</p>
      <p>Andi Sue burst through a locked window, glass shattering everywhere as she leapt towards them. With a single kick she knocked White and Kelsey to the floor, and before Kelsey could do anything…</p>
      <p>THOOM! Marty Sue burst out from a wall nearby and held up a small remote, pressing a red button. A backpack on his back stretched out to reveal octopus-like tentacles that grabbed ahold of Kelsey. A furious-looking White dove at him and they all rolled to the side while Dib and Zim ran upstairs with Nny, a cruelly-laughing Andi Sue looking at Gaz and grinning evilly.</p>
      <p>As soon as Nny, Dib and Zim reached the top stairs, Dib looked around. "Hey, where's GIR?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Zim smirked coldly and held up a stake as he advanced on Dib. "I've got a golden opportunity to terminate you here and now!" He proclaimed.</p>
      <p>BANG! The two turned their heads and saw Nny pointing at Perry Sue, who was no-longer looking CUTE. In fact, he was FURIOUS.</p>
      <p>"Jeez, it's like "Attack of the Mutant Munchkins"!" Nny said, shivering.</p>
      <p>"You killed Mr. Fwog!" He yelled angrily, his hair standing on end, horns poking out of his locks as he advanced on them, making them back up into the bathroom.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, you're next!" Dib said bravely.</p>
      <p>"No, YOU'RE next!" Perry hissed, clenching his fists. "I'll turn my cuteness wave to…huh?" He looked to the right and saw the bathtub was filled up with a strange purple liquid. "What the heck is THIS?" He remarked.</p>
      <p>"I dunno, but this is battery acid, you SLIMEBALL!" Dib growled, raising up an inhaler and squirting Perry in the eyes. The kid howled as his sockets bulged wide, the eyes becoming pink and sore as he tore at them. He then snarled hideously as he pulled a knife from his pocket and advanced…</p>
      <p>Then Zim heard GIR singing the doom song in the room behind them and turned his head, getting an idea. "GIR! Perry needs to take a bath!" He called him.</p>
      <p>GIR immediately sat up from the middle of the bedroom he'd been in and grinned. "I'm gonna getcha SQUEAKY CLEAN!" He announced, sailing over their heads and pushing Perry into the bathtub.</p>
      <p>Perry began screaming horribly as smoke arose from the bathtub and he gasped in pain as his body began to slough away into the purple ooze that he was slipping into. As they watched in horror, his body became skeletal and blood poured out from the nearby sink onto the floor, spraying everywhere as the purple ooze gurgled and spat.</p>
      <p>With a BURP the head popped off the skeleton and Zim and Dib turned respective shades of green in disgust as Nny nodded approvingly. "THAT'S squeaky clean alright." He told GIR. "Your sister knows her poisonous acids, Membrane!"</p>
      <p>"I think I'm gonna be sick…" Dib gasped.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE, White had knocked Marty clean through the air and Kelsey was unconscious. He was alone in the basement as dark red light cast evil shadows on the wall. "Kelsey, c'mon, wake up, wake up!" White begged. No response. He shook her tenderly. "Kelsey, c'mon, wake-AAAA!" He was snatched up by a tentacle and thrown across the room as Marty grinned at him, holding up another remote.</p>
      <p>"I've got one of these delightful devices for every occasion!" He announced, pressing a blue button. Now an electro-drill emerged from the backpack as the tentacles held White in place. "Don't bother trying to stop time or anything, these tentacles are energy-sapping…they'll hold you in place until I can dissect you to find out just how much chaos energy you have IN you!" Marty announced as the drill sparkled with electrical energy, making the entire room light up like it was stuck inside a strobe light.</p>
      <p>Luckily Kelsey had woken up. She took a nearby wrench from off a tool table and cracked Marty's mechanical backpack, making him howl in pain and forcing him to drop White down. Unfortunately Marty then turned on KELSEY…</p>
      <p>White gasped in horror as Marty shoved a small red ball into Kelsey's mouth and he smirked. "Sit tight, Dorothy, Kansas is going bye-bye!" He announced coldly. Kelsey had time to scream before her entire visage went screwy like a bad photo…and then she was gone with a BLIP.</p>
      <p>"Wh…what did you DO?" White whispered.</p>
      <p>"Reality pill. Forces people like her back home and wipes their memory of all the things that happened on other worlds. But I won't use that on YOU, it's far too QUICK a demise…" Marty sneered.</p>
      <p>White was FURIOUS. This person had just erased the only person who ever loved him for who he was from existence. He rushed forward with impossible speed and punched Marty in the face, knocking him back, then he pulled a stake that he'd hidden in his jacket and tossed it…</p>
      <p>THA-THUNK! Marty went down and White stepped back, growling angrily. For a few moments Marty lay there, unmoving…</p>
      <p>Then he jumped back up, leering. "Not very intelligent are you, thieving philistine! You had one shot to kill me and you hit my HEART instead of my HEAD! Such a clandestine-"</p>
      <p>"I didn't waste any chance." White laughed, leaping forward and KICKING the stake in deeper. It not only went in so deep it was now sticking out both sides, but the force pushed Marty back and…onto a nearby stereo machine that to the left of the tool table.</p>
      <p>Marty screamed horribly as electricity shot through the air, sizzling left and right as smoke arose from his body, which convulsed over and over. Sparks flew all over as Marty wailed and wailed and then…BAA-BOOOOOOOM!</p>
      <p>His head popped like popcorn and went flying into the air as White smirked. "HA! Death by STEREO." He snapped his fingers. "When you get to Hell, be sure to tell them I sent you!"</p>
      <p>He headed up the stairs and saw Dib, Zim and Nny approaching. "Where's Gaz and Andi Sue?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>THWOOSH!</p>
      <p>A knife was thrown through the air and Dib barely dodged in time as he saw Andi Sue standing there, holding up throwing knives and grinning. "You should have stayed a vampire. You could have been one of us. You could have had this world under your thumb with us ruling it alongside of you, Zim and Relationship Sue." Andi whispered.</p>
      <p>"You tried to make me a KILLEEEERRR!" Dib screamed, pointing at her with an accusatory finger.</p>
      <p>Andi rushed through the air and slammed her knees into him, pinning him to the ground. She was soon punched off and she grinned as she licked some blood off her lips, seeing Dib stand up and take up a fighting position. "You ARE a killer, Dib. You just don't realize it yet…you're ALL killers, you've all got ruthlessness deep down! Only Nick didn't, and he paid the price…" Andi laughed, showing off sharp teeth.</p>
      <p>"Where's…my…SISTER?!" Dib snarled.</p>
      <p>"She went off. Said she had to "get something". But you won't live to see it!" Andi cackled, rushing forward at Dib. The two grappled in place, trying to push one another back. Zim looked nervously down at the stake in his hand, then tucked it away. This was something Dib had to do on his own. Besides…Andi might end up killing Dib, which was good news for him, right?</p>
      <p>Dib and Andi glared hatefully at each other as they slowly walked around in a circle, one trying to push the other to the ground so they could finish them off. Unfortunately they seemed to be equal in terms of strength, which made White frown in confusion. How was this possible? Andi's strength was in her strength, how could Dib match it unless…maybe…</p>
      <p>Then it happened. Dib's eyes glittered brightly with a shining light for a moment and he got the upper hand, pushing Andi down. He then raised his foot and KICKED her square in the face and she went sailing through the air…</p>
      <p>And her head was impaled on a stuffed Moose head that was on the wall. She gasped out, breathing harshly for a few moments…then turned to dust before their eyes.</p>
      <p>Dib panted heavily as he held his sides and White walked over to him, helping him up. "Is…everyone alright?"</p>
      <p>"Kelsey's gone." White said softly. They all looked at him. "Marty…Marty sent her back home. He erased my girlfriend from existence." They saw a single tear go down his cheek as he shivered. "I…I thought that…that I could really…that I really had a shot with her…I could have been myself with her…"</p>
      <p>"Now you know how I feel." A voice spoke up.</p>
      <p>They turned and saw Relationship Sue calmly walking into the living room in her Irken form. "Sigh…" She shook her head. "Honestly…I can only feel happy when I'm with Zim. I had it all planned out. It would have been so BEAUTIFUL." She told them. "We would have been one big, happy family…"</p>
      <p>"Yeah, a BRADY BUNCH of EVIL!" Dib proclaimed.</p>
      <p>"You USED Zim!" Zim hissed. "For that, I will make you eat your own intestines!"</p>
      <p>"Yes, I used you." Relationship Sue said. "But it's for your own good. Don't you WANT to rule the world?"</p>
      <p>"I want to be the Greatest Invader That Ever Lived!" Zim admitted. "But I don't want somebody else FORCING me to do one thing or another to reach that goal. ZIM will do right for ZIM!"</p>
      <p>"Nick only <strong>talks</strong> about what we should do. And occasionally yells." Dib went on. "He asks or begs but he doesn't ever force us to act one way…you <strong>forced</strong>. You're <strong>EVIL</strong>."</p>
      <p>"And I still want you, Zim! I haven't changed my mind about that!" Relationship Sue laughed evilly, holding up her Guncon. "Don't bother moving, chaos agent." She told White. "Your powers are weakened from fighting Marty and having your heart broken, I can feel it coming off of you in waves!"</p>
      <p>They all glared at her. Nny frowned. "I'm a good knife-thrower, but I'm not faster than a gun."</p>
      <p>"She can't get ALL of us. If we rush her…" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>"So who would be the first to DIE?" Relationship Sue asked. "Now this can all go away if Zimmy-Wimmy agrees to be my puddin' cup…"</p>
      <p>"Your endearing nicknames are disgusting!" Zim said, sticking out his tongue. "Besides, you have only ONE gun!"</p>
      <p>Sue grinned and reached behind her with her other hand, pulling out another Guncon and smirking. "My power is that I can draw Guns out from ANYWHERE." She told them. "So no, I don't just have ONE gun."</p>
      <p>"Well, we're boned." White announced.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: It's Good to Be in Dixie</strong>
      </p>
      <p>They all perked their heads up as, in from the wall, came an ENORMOUS monster truck which was none other than one of Prof. Membrane's many fancy scientific cars, complete with spiked wheels, HUGE wheels and shiny rims and big decals written on the side of the car. Gaz was driving in the front seat, smirking proudly. Relationship Sue had time to gasp as it came down on her…</p>
      <p>SPA-SPLORCH!</p>
      <p>She promptly exploded into tiny little butterflies that sailed up and out the window, leaving twinkling dust in the air as the remains sailed away.</p>
      <p>"Like I said…what would you guys do without me?" Gaz inquired, looking smug as she calmly hopped out of the car.</p>
      <p>"Did you get her in the head?" Nny asked Gaz.</p>
      <p>"…eh." Gaz shrugged. "Even if I didn't, she won't be coming back for a while."</p>
      <p>"One thing I could never stand about this world…" White groaned, rubbing his sore head. "All the f—kin' Mary Sues…"</p>
      <p>"Our house is RUINED!" Dib groaned as he looked around at the ruined living room. The walls were broken apart, blood had pooled out from the sinks and toilets, the light fixtures had fallen down, there were broken pieces of furniture all over and the windows were shattered, along with several doors. Luckily, the TV was untouched, and GIR happily sat on a chunk of couch, turning on the TV to the "Scary Monkey Show". He smiled happily, tilting his head to the side.</p>
      <p>
        <em>"I LOVE this show."</em>
      </p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div><p>
        <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
      </p>
<p>
        <strong>How did I get that earlier chapter up during a glitchy period, I hear you cry? With great difficulty! But I'm glad I did it and as a treat to all you readers who have "favorited" this story, I give you this fantastic Halloween episode! Remember...REVIEW!</strong>
      </p>
<p>
        <strong>And now...let's begin!</strong>
      </p>
<p>
        <em>You hear the screeching of an owl, you hear the wind begin to howl...you know there's zombies on the proooowl!</em>
      </p>
<p>
        <strong>HALLOWEEN SPECTACULAR OF SPOOKY DOOM</strong>
      </p>
<p>DL was walking down the sidewalk to school, passing along a row of bushes. It was then he heard a "Heh-hmm" and turned, looking around. "Huh? Who? Zim, is that you?" He called out.</p>
<p>He then turned to the right and saw Zim stepping out from behind the bushes. "So, little one, you CAN see me somehow…"</p>
<p>"Well…kind of." Darth Lee admitted.</p>
<p>"Tell me…that power I saw you use." Zim rubbed his chin and advanced closer. "What is it?"</p>
<p>"Well, back when I was much younger I thought that's how you got plants to grow, by askin' them." Darth said. "Ya had to say "Pretty Please with Sugar on Top" and stuff! But when I'd talk to the flowers…they'd start talking back. Whole conversations and not a single dropped call either!"</p>
<p>Zim blinked, interested. "You…speak to plants, eh?"</p>
<p>"Oh yeah, I can make them do almost anything I want. My mom was kind of amazed by it, but Dad had the same power I did, so he took it in stride." DL said, shrugging. "Say, didja know Halloween is coming up?" DL asked as he walked along the sidewalk along with Zim, who blinked.</p>
<p>"Hallow...ween? What is this "Halloween"?" He inquired.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…"Out of curiosity, what ARE you doing for Halloween?" Gaz asked Mr. White, who was substituting for Nick since Nick was unfortunately dead. Don't worry folks, he didn't go to Hell. As it turns out, everyone but Mormons got to Heaven in Jhonen's world! ;)</p>
<p>"This Halloween I'm going out with DL for some old-fashioned trick-or-treating, going as the scariest person I can think of!" White said.</p>
<p>"Who?" Gaz asked.</p>
<p>"Originally myself, but I think I'd rather go as YOU." White remarked. "What store do you go to again?"</p>
<p>"…I can't decide whether I'm flattered or enraged." Gaz growled.</p>
<p>"I'll give you a cut." White offered.</p>
<p>"In that case I'm flattered and there's a brand new Hot Topic on Pine and Fifth Avenue." Gaz remarked.</p>
<p>"I promise not to burn this one down." White said, raising his hand up. "Hand to NICK."</p>
<p>Indeed, everyone was excited for Halloween. Student after student had dressed up and one of them, a fairy princess, was talking to Ms. Bitters, standing at the front of the class. "And I think unicorns and dragons are pretty! So that's why I'm a fairy princess for Halloween!" Mary informed the classroom.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters sighed, a rotting jack-o-lantern sitting atop her desk. "I…was a fairy princess once, too." She smiled wistfully. "Yes, everything was so nice and peaceful…until one day it all went horribly wrong when I flew too close to the bug zapper!" She announced. "In fact, before that incident, I used to have BLOND hair!"</p>
<p>All of the students let out respective "UGHS" and groans of disgust…save for Dib, who wasn't in his seat, and Zim, who…well…was freakin' out, man!</p>
<p>"Heh, Halloween. Now it's just a shamelessly commercial ploy to turn children into candy starved zombies!" Ms. Bitters went on. "But it was ONCE a nice medieval holiday…"</p>
<p>Zim gulped at the sight of Brian, who was in a fillerbunny costume. Melvin was dressed up as a TV set, Chunk was "The Great Pumpkin", and in a rare bit of genius, had added a piece of security blanket to hang on the "teeth" of his costume for a touch of irony. Aki, who was wearing a wolf man costume, nervously picked her "snout" while Zim screamed as he looked at every single one of the students…</p>
<p>Then he noticed Dib was gone. "AAA!"</p>
<p>"What is it NOW, Zim?!" Ms. Bitters groaned.</p>
<p>"The Dib! He's missing! They've taken him and drained him of his sweet, sweet blood candies!" Zim groaned, hiding under his desk and quivering like a leaf in the wind, sweat pouring down his brow.</p>
<p>"Who's taken him?" Ms. Bitters asked.</p>
<p>"THE CANDY ZOMBIIIEEES!" Zim proclaimed.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters groaned. Meanwhile, a flash of light lit up the hallway and people could hear Dib…screaming. Zim glanced around nervously as the hallway began to get continuously lit up by flashes of light, the background eerily changing to become darker and edgier…</p>
<p>"It's like you said! The children tried to end the hunger for sweetness... in their... rumbling, undead... bellies!"</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters frowned. "That's NOT what I said-"</p>
<p>"Hah…hah…" Dib ran into the classroom, panting. The sight of his sudden appearance made Zim scream and jump behind his desk. "Sorry…I'm…late…HORRIBLE nightmare visions assaulted me!"</p>
<p>"It's called <strong>life</strong>, Dib. Get one. Then sit down!" snapped as Dib took his seat.</p>
<p>Zita, who was wearing an alien costume, looked over at Dib and raised an eyebrow. "Gee, Dib's actin' crazier than usual today!"</p>
<p>"YEE! IT'S STARTING!" Zim hissed, pointing at Dib and getting everyone's attention. "He's one of the zombies now! Look out for your blood and hold onto your brain meats!"</p>
<p>"I don't know, Z. Zim's bein' kind of wacked, yo." Brian said, shaking his head. Dib began to babble something about horrid creatures in his desk while Zita shook HER head.</p>
<p>"Dib's got a long HISTORY of crazy. For all we know, Zim's just weird, like the substitute teacher."</p>
<p>"I heard he became a regular teacher. Mr. Elliot apparently died of "Hamster Complications"…" Brian spoke up.</p>
<p>"YEEAAAAHHH!" Zim screamed as he looked around the room again.</p>
<p>The Letter M, who was dressed as Dracula, rolled his eyes. "Zim's screaming like a howler monkey. That seems more crazy than weird to me."</p>
<p>"Hmm…The Letter M's got a good point, but Dib's ALWAYS screaming like a howler monkey…"</p>
<p>Dib suddenly noticed that his hands were vanishing and he gasped in horror. "Happening... again!" He announced.</p>
<p>"Except for right now." Brian remarked.</p>
<p>"Yeah, right now he's babbling like a maniac... monkey." The Letter M remarked.</p>
<p>Zim suddenly saw Dib vanish totally and he pushed himself up against the wall, screaming and gasping. "He's gone, he's GONE! AAAA!"</p>
<p>"Okay... Maybe Brian's right." Zita remarked, all attention now on Zim…</p>
<p>Suddenly Dib popped back into place, holding his head. Naturally, nobody noticed until he opened his mouth to say "Monsters! HIDEOUS monsters!"</p>
<p>Zita raised her hand. "Ms. Bitters, we think Dib's even crazier than normal today! Can we use one of our crazy cards to send him to the crazy house for boys?"</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters frowned. "Each class only gets three crazy cards a month! Are you sure you want to use one?"</p>
<p>Zita looked over at Dib, who was sprawled on his desk, flipping out onto the floor and babbling. "…yep." She remarked. All of the class nodded and Ms. Bitters nodded, holding up the "crazy card" and sticking it into a slot in a box she got out from her desk. The box then opened up and a metal ring lifted out. She promptly put it around Dib's neck and red lights lit it up as Ms. Bitters frowned down at him.</p>
<p>"I've activated the crazy collar. The white coats will be here any moment."</p>
<p>BOOM! Two white coats named Chuck and Buck rushed inside, pointing at Dib. WOW, they were fast!</p>
<p>"There he is! Get him!" They announced.</p>
<p>Zim stood by the wall, watching as Dib was dragged kicking and screaming out of the classroom. He hid behind a trashcan out in the hall and gulped in fear. "Soon they'll all be after my delicious guts! I must prepare the bases defenses against this Halloween madness!"</p>
<p>He then turned his head to see the hall monitor was looking down at him from his eyepiece. "Hey, I remember you! You're that jerk who-"</p>
<p>THONK! Zim stuffed the trash can over his head and ran out of the hallway, screaming all the way.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Dib was inside of a truck's back area, which was padded. He kept bouncing around, a frown on his face. "Look, you don't understand!" Dib insisted, speaking through the window that separated him from the others.</p>
<p>"If there's one thing we understand, son, it's insanity." Chuck informed him, shaking her head. Dib sighed and came to a stop on the padded floor. He leaned against one of the walls…and suddenly the arm he'd been leaning on vanished and he fell against the wall! Straightening himself up he gasped at the sight of both arms vanishing.</p>
<p>"No, not again! NOOOO…"</p>
<p>FWOOM. His whole body vanished…and soon he found himself in a horrifying nightmare version of the truck. Everything was darker in tone and sharp spikes were poking out of the padded walls. He looked out the grated window nearby and he saw the buildings outside flashing from "normal" to "nightmare" as a sickening-looking bat hovered by the window, screeching in his face.</p>
<p>Then he heard THEM speaking. The white coats. "He's the one! The one with the flashing neck! The one we've been waiting for!"</p>
<p>"She said he'd come, and he has!"</p>
<p>Dib ran to the grated window and looked at the deformed-looking white coats, frowning. "Waiting for me? What is this!? What's going on?"</p>
<p>Nightmare Chuck turned her head to look at Dib, showing that she now had TUSKS. She held a clawed flipper up and let out a "Shh". "We're talkin' all spooky!" She told him, making him gape and step back in horror. Suddenly Dib's arms began to fade and he found himself right back in the other truck…not that he could tell, he was getting so confused over what was real, and what was a horrid nightmare…</p>
<p>"Who's been waiting for me? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Dib demanded to know, jumping up and down.</p>
<p>"What are you TALKIN' about?" Buck asked from the other side. Dib blinked, realizing he was back in the "real" world.</p>
<p>"Oh…never mind. I'm sane you know. " He said nonchalantly.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, GIR was out of his disguise and fooling around with a toy octopus, putting it on his head. "I wanna be! Unda the sea! In an octopus's garden in da shade!" He sang. Zim quickly walked into the house, slamming the door behind him.</p>
<p>"GIR! We have to prepare the base!" He announced. "Tonight is a horrible Earth holiday, and-"</p>
<p>GIR began laughing insanely.</p>
<p>"GIR!" Zim snapped.</p>
<p>GIR suddenly gasped. "Ah! My taquitos! AAAA! TAQUITOS!" He ran into the kitchen while Zim sighed.</p>
<p>"GIR…" He groaned.</p>
<p>Dib wasn't doing much better. He was strapped into a chair by metal straps, with wires attached to his head, electrical stimuli running through them. A team of scientists were watching him from observatory stands above and Prof. Membrane was among them, looking at the head scientist at the Crazy House for Boys, who sipped a can of Poop cola.</p>
<p>"Now Dib, tell us about these reality jumps, as you call them." He announced.</p>
<p>"Well it started last night." Dib said. "I had been in Dad's lab, making some modification to his dimensional scope, hoping to peek into spooky alternate realities..." He tilted his head to the side. "Also, since Halloween had been coming up, I wanted some cool costume ideas. AND I got this theory that some paranormal phenomenon might be the result of collisions between our worlds and other dimensions."</p>
<p>Prof. Membrane adjusted his goggles and Dib went on. "Since I couldn't see anything I tripled the output, which was a <strong>little</strong> stupid I admit, but I still didn't really see much. All I got was a brief flash of something, but that's it. It looked like the lab, actually…only everything was covered with whispering shadows…" Dib took a breath. "I THOUGHT it was just a malfunction, but since the flashes keep coming…even without the machine, and getting longer each time…I suspect the worst!"</p>
<p>Prof. Membrane sighed. "So I find you here, son. Oh, I suppose it was only a matter of time. You know not to use my tools for your para-science!" He insisted, waving the "finger of knowledge", which, as discussed before, is VERY powerful.</p>
<p>The scientists began conversing amongst themselves while Dib went on. "Dad, if the jumps keep getting LONGER, as seems to be the case, it won't be long before I'm actually stuck in that horrible dimension!"</p>
<p>The head scientist adjusted his goggles, chuckling. "Well Dib, hehe, we've got some bad news."</p>
<p>"I just TOLD you the bad news!" Dib remarked angrily.</p>
<p>"Yes, yes, trapped in a horrible nightmare world, very nice. Look, we've decided that you're insane. You'll be confined here for a period no shorter than the rest of your life. Enjoy your stay, bye, bye."</p>
<p>"NOOOO! You don't UNDERSTAND!" Dib shouted as more white coats ripped him from the chair, putting a muzzle on his mouth as Prof. Membrane shook his head.</p>
<p>"My poor, insane, son…"</p>
<p>"Listen, this place can't help me!" Dib's muffled voice told the white coats as they led him to a padded cell. "You don't have the equipment, I need someone-</p>
<p>FWOMP! They tossed him inside the cell and he groaned as he stood up, the door closing…and then he noticed he was vanishing again! "It's happening AGAIN?! NOOOO!"</p>
<p>FWOOSH! He was out of there as the white coats, satisfied that the problem that was Dib Membrane was "solved", went to the "Taco" floor of the elevator to go enjoy some cheesy goodness.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Dib was not so lucky, now stuck inside of a cell that was hanging inside of an evil-looking cave. Other cells all contained freakish-looking monsters, some of whom were snarling, others who were picking their many noses, one who was trying to solve a Rubik's cube…</p>
<p>What the? KEEF?</p>
<p>"What are YOU doing here?" He asked Keef.</p>
<p>"Everyone keeps saying "I'm scary enough". Why's that?" Keef asked, looking at Dib with his overly big, cutesy eyes.</p>
<p>"…it's nothing." Dib told him simply. Keef then curled up and went to sleep and Dib sighed. "Great! This is all I need!" Dib groaned as he slid down the slanted floors of his cell. He then noticed somebody was on the opposite end of his cell…it sorta looked like…him…only he could only see a malformed shadow at the moment.</p>
<p>"You're him…the one!" The voice whispered.</p>
<p>"The one what? I'm not the one anything!" Dib insisted.</p>
<p>"So you're telling me the prophecy is wrong? "The boy with the flashing neck shall come. He will be the key to freedom…and stuff"."</p>
<p>"Was that Nostradamus?" Dib inquired.</p>
<p>"I read it on the bathroom wall in a toilet stall. Along with "tap twice to meet a Republican congressman."</p>
<p>"I gotta get outta here." Dib groaned, rolling his eyes as he gripped the bars of his cage, grateful his straightjacket was gone.</p>
<p>"Then you'll have to escape your own head, 'cause that's where we are... In your head!" The shadow said, stepping out to reveal…he was DIB! Only his features were more exaggerated, more frightening…clawed fingers, sharp teeth, a horrid smirk…and he had lobotomy scars on his head, as well as being stuck in a straightjacket.</p>
<p>"You're insane!"</p>
<p>"No I'm-well…" Nightmare Dib looked down at his straightjacket. "Yeah…I am. But it's true! The whole dimension exists in your mind, Dib! Maybe THAT'S why your head's so big!"</p>
<p>"My head's not big! Why does everyone say that!? And how do you know my name?"</p>
<p>Nightmare Dib smirked. "Everyone knows your name here. They're done with this place, ruined all of it! Now they want out, into the real world, and the only way out is through your head!"</p>
<p>"Are you serious? This world is a result of my imagination? Maybe I am crazy!" Dib realized, looking guiltily down at the ground.</p>
<p>Nightmare Dib grinned. "It's all those nasty thoughts you've been having about Zim. Don't you know that dark energy is created from negative emotions? And when enough of it is gathered…"</p>
<p>Two nightmarish, muscular, red-eyed beings that were the Nightmare world version of the white coats were riding atop a worm-like platform that was heading up to Dib's cell, with a straightjacket-like creature by their side. "Neck-blinking boy!" Nightmare Buck announced, taking a bite out of a green ice cream cone and chewing. "It's time to go, ha-ha-ha!"</p>
<p>"Go where?" Dib gulped.</p>
<p>Nightmare Dib smirked. "Through your big head!" He laughed.</p>
<p>"My head's not biiiiiiggg!" Dib screamed angrily as they carried him off towards a nightmarish-looking truck which would take him to this reality's Crazy House for Boys. Nightmare White Coat Buck walked to his left, holding onto a soda while Chuck was to is right, holding onto a hotdog.</p>
<p>"The machine's almost ready!" Buck said, opening the back of the truck. "SOON THE TIME WILL BE RIGHT-"</p>
<p>FLASH!</p>
<p>They blinked and turned to see…Dib was gone from the straightjacket creature…returned to the normal dimension.</p>
<p>"He's gone! AH!" Buck gasped. He took a sip of the soda to calm his nerves.</p>
<p>"Aw, go on…I LIKE it when you do those speeches all scary like!" Chuck said, putting his arm around Buck's shoulder.</p>
<p>"Really? Okay!" Buck said cheerfully. "But THEN we gotta go tell the boss." He cleared his throat and started again, speaking dramatically. "SOON…THE TIME WILL BE RIGHT FOR…"</p>
<p>MEANWHILE, Dib was running at top speed away from the Crazy House for Boys in his straight jacket, panting as he saw Zim's house in the distance. "I don't like it, but this is my only chance!" He realized out loud.</p>
<p>Zim, meanwhile, had boarded up his door and all his windows and was hammering another board into the window as trick or treaters roamed the streets. GIR was sitting on the floor, playing with his toy octopus.</p>
<p>"They've <strong>mutated</strong>, GIR! They were disgusting before but this hunger makes them even more!" Zim told GIR, peeking out an opening through a boarded-up window. He saw the trick or treaters coming close. "EEEE! They're coming!" He shouted.</p>
<p>"Trick or treat!" They changed outside, reaching their hands in through the openings of the boards.</p>
<p>"AAA! GIR! Activate the defenses!" Zim screamed, running around in a circle.</p>
<p>GOR popped the toy octopus in his mouth and picked up a nearby remote. "Okeydokey!" He said, pressing a button on the remote. The satellite on the top of the house retracted inside to be replaced with a large group of laser cannons that began shooting up into the air…</p>
<p>KA-CRASH! It was then that Dib broke in through a window and rolled right next to Zim, making Zim fall back.</p>
<p>"Get away from my blood!" Zim shouted.</p>
<p>"Zim, I know how weird this is gonna-" Dib began nervously.</p>
<p>Zim pointed at him. "GIR, stop him! Defensive mode!"</p>
<p>"Doo-doo-da-doo-doo! Doo-doo-da-doo…da-doo…da-doo!" He leapt out the window Dib had gone through and out into the street.</p>
<p>"I don't have time for this! The next jump may be the last one and I'll be stuck there forever!" Dib protested. "They're gonna do something to my head! Something evil!"</p>
<p>"<em><strong>TRICK OR TREAT! SMELL MY FEET! GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT!"</strong></em></p>
<p>"My head's not big!" Dib shouted.</p>
<p>"…I didn't say anything about your head…" Zim mumbled.</p>
<p>"You're the only one who can help!" Dib told Zim.</p>
<p>Zim gave him a look like he was retarded. "Help!? You!?"</p>
<p>"My dad won't let me use his equipment and I need to reverse the effect!" Dib insisted.</p>
<p>"HELP!? YOU!?" Zim said, disgustedly sticking out his tongue. "You come to me, your <strong>greatest</strong>, <em>most amazing</em> enemy? Your future slave master and you ask for help!? Have you no PRIDE?!"</p>
<p>"Pride schmide! This is about common sense! You're the only other person with the technology to-" Dib tried to explain.</p>
<p>Zim, however, would have nothing of it, and pushed him. "Be gone with you! I've had enough of your nonsense from your smelly mouth filled with... corn!"</p>
<p>"But I haven't been eating corn since-"</p>
<p>"LIAR! I remember the kernel teeth!" Zim shouted, trying to push Dib out the window…but then…</p>
<p>FA-WOOSH! BOTH of them disappeared…and the trick or treaters continued to chant.</p>
<p>"<em><strong>TRICK OR TREAT! SMELL MY FEET! GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT!"</strong></em></p>
<p>Zim tries to push Dib out of the window. Dib grunts as he holds onto the window frame. Dib's</p>
<p>POP! Dib and Zim reappeared, but now they were inside of a freakish, nightmare version of Zims' house. They blinked and looked around. "What the?" Zim blinked.</p>
<p>"The one who's neck blinks!" A voice hissed.</p>
<p>They looked up to see a group of nightmarish beings clinging to the ceiling. The apparent leader, Hummelflesh, grinned at them, his pale blue flesh bulging. He had an odd-looking jester-like yellow cap on his head and big, thick teeth. "We've been expecting yooouuu…" He whispered softly.</p>
<p>"<em><strong>The Halloweenies</strong></em>!" Zim cried. The two grabbed each other, screamed, then ran out the door, shutting it behind them and rushing through town, running as fast as they could as the monsters laughed and laughed and laughed.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… Zim and Dib ignored the freakish cat that was nearby, eating an octopus tentacle, and panted as they rested in the alleyway they were in.</p>
<p>"Where are we?" Zim gasped out.</p>
<p>"It's some kind of alternate universe. It's based on my imagination somehow."</p>
<p>"And you brought me here!? You sickening troublesome human!" Zim growled, extending his spider legs from his PAK, towering over Dib. "I should-"</p>
<p>"HEY! The only way back home's through MY head, so if anything happens to me, you're stuck here forever!" Dib told him, crossing his arms.</p>
<p>Zim grunted in annoyance. "Curse you!" He said, his legs retracting back.</p>
<p>"You're as much to blame as I am! I've been having all these nasty thoughts about YOU. If you weren't here, this would probably be a happy meadow filled with pigs that I could fly on or something." Dib remarked.</p>
<p>Zim rolled his eyes. "Always blaming-WAIT…I can still do stuff to your legs, right?"</p>
<p>"I guess but-wait. NO!" Dib snapped.</p>
<p>"Guh, curse you! Well, this is your imaginary world, think of some way out of here!" Zim demanded.</p>
<p>"Hail Caesar!"</p>
<p>They both turned their heads and saw Nick of all people was riding atop a horse, dressed in absolutely nothing but crown made of roses. He was even HAIRER than usual, his chest, arm, leg and…er…other hair… flowing out and occasionally twisting in front of the boys "Hail Caesar! May all your dreams come true!" He announced to Dib and Zim.</p>
<p>"Dreams? Hmm…" Zim tapped his lip. "I dreamed I was forcing a human to…you know. What's THAT mean?"</p>
<p>"It means you will RULE over your greatest enemies!" Nightmare Nick said.</p>
<p>"Ooh, I LIKE that." Zim said, grinning.</p>
<p>"No it doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean anything more than this: you had a dream you were raping a human. It was a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and signifying nothing." Nightmare Nick laughed, riding away on his horse.</p>
<p>Dib gave Zim a look as Zim nervously blushed. Then they turned around to hear another voice. "CAESAR!"</p>
<p>It was WHITE! Only his skin was utterly dark, his eyes like that of a cat, a fanged smile on his face. He wore only a toga as he held his hand up and addressed them. "Beware the Ideas of March!" The Pitch-Black being sniggered.</p>
<p>"Huh?" Dib looked confused. "Wait, hold on, that's not it."</p>
<p>Pitch Black held up his toga and a large parade of women with HUGE beehive hairdos came out, their green skin looking utterly disgusting in the light as they paraded around the boys. "Beware the Brides of Frankenstein!" He laughed as they carried him off over their heads.</p>
<p>"I don't think I can take much more of this…" Dib said, trying in vain to pull the collar off. "We can't go back to your house…but let's try MINE. There might be a version of the dimensional scope there!"</p>
<p>Zim heard an owl hooting and he shook nervously. "Yes, and…perhaps there's something there we can use to defend ourselves as well..."</p>
<p>"Good thinking." Dib said, nodding.</p>
<p>And so, they made their way to the residential area of the nightmarish city, heading for the suburbs as fast as their legs would carry them. Seeing there were more nightmare creatures coming towards them, the two hid behind a tree. "I <strong>hate</strong> Halloween..." Zim muttered in fear.</p>
<p>Hummelflesh, who was among the creatures, "hmmed" and his head rotated on his base as he looked around. The other creatures stopped and began looking at him.</p>
<p>"What is it? One asked.</p>
<p>Hummelflesh pointed at the tree Dib and Zim were hiding behind…Dib's collar was clearly blinking!</p>
<p>"Look, it's Blinky!" Hummelflesh announced. "Do want you want with the rest of him, just save his head!"</p>
<p>Dib gasped and tugged at his collar like mad…and to his surprise, managed to get it off. He then slammed it on Zim.</p>
<p>"What are you-"</p>
<p>TWHOOP! Dib tossed Zim out from behind the tree and Zim hissed angrily. "Oh you WRETCHED LITTLE-"</p>
<p>"ARR, he's the one!" Dib said, pretending to be a monster. "Arr!"</p>
<p>It worked. Zim screamed and tried to run, but a hollowed-out "Halloweenie" jumped in front of him, showing off a cage-like area on it's chest. It promptly stuck a tentacle from out of it's mouth and sucked Zim into it's hollow body and making him go down it's slimy throat into the waiting cage below.</p>
<p>"I'll get you Dib! You stinking human!" Zim cried angrily as the nightmare creatures took him away.</p>
<p>Dib did feel a BIT guilty for doing this to Zim, but on the one hand, this meant that he didn't have to worry about Zim doing something to him AND if he could return back to his own head, it meant he'd never have to worry about Zim threatening the Earth again. He breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that he'd tricked the creatures. Perhaps it had worked because of his…</p>
<p>He suddenly realized why the trick had, in fact, worked, and he immediately began to spasm in self-loathing, holding onto his head and squirming around on the ground for a good five minutes before he mumbled angrily and took off.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim had been strapped to a table with the Halloweenies surrounding him. A pulsing, pink, brain-like device was far above him, with large mechanical devices hanging down from it…one of them looking a whole lot like a plasma cannon of some sort. On the other hand, it was in purple. Zim liked purple.</p>
<p>He DIDN'T like what was going on though.</p>
<p>"Hey, let me go before something horrible happens to me! Or else!" Zim demanded, struggling in vain against the bonds of the table.</p>
<p>Hummelflesh smirked and laughed, heading over to a large shadow that was perched on a throne. "We brought him for yeh! His neck flash's 'n everythang!"</p>
<p>Zim protested. "This isn't MINE! That horrible Dib stuck this thing-"</p>
<p>"SIIILENCE!" The shadowy beast hissed. It then jumped off the throne and landed on it's spindly, skeletal feet…it was Nightmare Bitters! And she was HORRIBLE! Her skin was grey, her eyes were purple along with her tattered outfit which read "Bad" on it, she had curled tentacle/horn thingies growing out of her back and she had long, clawed gloves.</p>
<p>She looked Zim over and frowned. "This is the wrong one!" She snapped, turning on Hummelflesh. "You've FAILED me! You shall be condemned to the Realm of Eternal Screaming and…ohh…" She rubbed her head, thinking. "Restlessness!"</p>
<p>She pointed to the left and a large metal door opened up in the wall, showing off a fiery pit within. Hummelflesh frowned.</p>
<p>"But I don't really wanna go there." He complained.</p>
<p>"You'll just have to accept it. Here's your ticket." Nightmare Bitters said, handing him a suitcase of clothes and a ticket.</p>
<p>Hummelflesh's eyes filled with tears, and he hung his head as he walked in through the doorway, sniffling.</p>
<p>"Bye!" The others said sadly, waving goodbye.</p>
<p>"Well…see ya, guys." Hummelflesh said, putting on a hat. He walked inside…</p>
<p>THA-WHOOOOOM! A horrific explosion rocked their sight and they all went "Ooh". Zim gulped as Nightmare Bitters leapt on top of him.</p>
<p>"As for THIS one…he may prove USEFUL…hee-hee-hee…" She grinned. "MAN, I'm spooky!"</p>
<p>"Yes. Yes you are." Zim admitted.</p>
<p>"SILENCE!" She hissed in his face.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib hid behind a garbage can as he heard a creature approaching. He turned to see a thick, bug-like being with long green legs and a megaphone walking down the street. "We have your friend!" She yelled out. "We will destroy him if you do not surrender your head to us!"</p>
<p>Dib frowned. "Zim's not my friend!" Dib shouted back. "You can KEEP him!"</p>
<p>THONK! Just to make sure Rickisicky didn't misunderstand things, he tossed a can of beans at her head and ran off.</p>
<p>The monster sighed and headed back to the evil "Skool" that Zim and the others were at, walking past a bunch of skeletons who were dancing.</p>
<p>
        <em>
          <strong>"They did the Mash!"</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
<p>"They did the Moooonster Mash!"</p>
<p>"The Monster Mash!"</p>
<p>"It was a Graveyeard-"</p>
<p>"Oh SHUT UP." Rickisicky hissed as she headed inside the skool to deliver the bad news. She walked inside and addressed Nightmare Bitters. "I did what ya said."</p>
<p>"AAAAND?" She asked.</p>
<p>"He said we could destroy him. Then he threw a CAN at my head." Rickisicky told Nightmare Bitters. "It hurt."</p>
<p>"Ooh, that little worm! That pig-weasel PIG!" Zim hissed.</p>
<p>"RAAAAR!" Nightmare Bitters hissed.</p>
<p>Naturally, this meant one thing…</p>
<p>"Byyye guuuyyys." Rickisicky said sadly, putting on a hat and heading off into the Realm of Eternal Screaming and Restlessness as the others waved goodbye.</p>
<p>Zim, meanwhile, had managed to sneak out of his bonds and had now managed to get outside of the "Skool". "GRRR…first he traps me in his UGLY mind, then he sacrifices me to save himself!" He tugged at the collar on his neck. "If his head wasn't so crucial to my escape…" He managed to get the collar off. "I'd smush it like a GRAPE! I only hope poor GIR is doing alright against those ZOMBIES!"</p>
<p>ACTUALLY…</p>
<p>"AAAAAAA!"</p>
<p>Kids were running around left and right and screaming like mad. Mary, who had dressed up as a fair princess, held onto her bag for dear life as she looked left and right. "It's after my candyyyy!"</p>
<p>GLOMP! GIR, in dog form, knocked her over and eagerly began stuffing all the candy she had into his mouth. "Ha-ha-ha!" He laughed happily, rushing towards another trick-or-treater and knocking to the ground so hard his underwear came off!</p>
<p>Dib, meanwhile, had managed to make it to "his" house. The area was dark and spooky, with a faint blue tint to everything. He nervously closed the door and looked around…</p>
<p>Then HE appeared, swirling up on a shaft of white smoke to form…into Nightmare Membrane! His "dad" turned around ominously, his pale purple goggles now his eyes, his gloved fingers now ending in socket-claws. "So, I find you HERE…it was only a matter of TIME!" He announced, echoing the words of Prof. Membrane before and making Dib gasp in horror as the end of his large scientific cloak swirled around.</p>
<p>"DAD?" He asked. Maybe Nightmare Membrane wouldn't do anything…</p>
<p>Then Nightmare Membrane's eyes popped out and his claws extended as he laughed evilly. Yep. He'd do something nasty. Dib tried to run, but the large folds of his nightmare father's cloak shot out like tentacles, wrapping around Dib and pulling him to the ground.</p>
<p>then SHE appeared…Nightmare Gaz, holding onto a head looked like a skull, save that it had no lower half, with only large fangs at the top, and her body situated on disgusting skeletal legs. She slurped away at the juice, smirking evilly at Dib as her hair curled evilly. "We're gonna open…your…heaaaad…"</p>
<p>Dib screamed.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim groaned and slapped his forehead, watching as Nightmare Membrane carried Dib away with a "Heh-heh, I'm floating", with Nightmare Gaz following right behind. "Oh, C'MON! I break FREE, and now I have to go back to rescue that little rat that left Zim to rot?! WHYYY must it beeee!?" He demanded as they headed off.</p>
<p>Then he looked at the nightmarish version of Dib's house and remembered what Dib had said. A SCOPE…</p>
<p>He ran inside and peeked around through the head, tossing bits of machinery left and right. "Where IS it, where IS it, where's the scope-oh…" He saw it…it was DEFINITELY a scope. He picked it up in his claws and put it to his eyes…</p>
<p>"YEEAAAAAHHH!" He screamed, pulling it away. Okay, THAT didn't work. But then…he saw something before him, and his eyes widened. "What…is…THAT?" He asked softly.</p>
<p>Dib, meanwhile, was now the one strapped to the table in the "skool".</p>
<p>"My revolting minions! At lsat the time has come! Today…we'll have a whole new world to ravage! As soon as we open the portal within Dibs' head…the fun will begin once more!"</p>
<p>The evil Halloweenies cheered happily. "Dib's head rocks!" Someone shouted.</p>
<p>"Don't <strong>I</strong> get any say in this?" Dib asked quietly.</p>
<p>They all turned to look at him.</p>
<p>"…no, huh?" Dib sighed.</p>
<p>"Let the head…thingy…start!" Nightmare Bitters announced.</p>
<p>The pulsing pink brain device above Dib began to glow brightly and the cannon in front of his face powered up. Nightmare Bitters held her face and groaned. "HEAD THINGY?! That was stupid! I shoulda written a speech!"</p>
<p>"Nawww, you did good! It was great!" Another Halloweenie spoke up.</p>
<p>"EEERR!" Dib struggled, trying to get the metal strap on his head of, it's pink gem glittering. "Gotta…get…out!"</p>
<p>"No use, fighting, child. No uuuuseee." Nightmare Bitters said.</p>
<p>The cannon shot a solid beam of pink light into his head and Dib blinked. "Why the heck is it PINK?!" He asked.</p>
<p>"Oh, it's because pink is the color of the element of Time!" Nightmare Nick told him. He had now shaved a fanged smiley face in his chest hair. "Every element's got a color! Cool, huh?"</p>
<p>"Why are you telling me this?"</p>
<p>"I'm EVIL, but not INCONSIDERATE!" Nightmare Nick insisted.</p>
<p>"And soon my army shall march through your disturbingly large head and on to VICTORY!" Nightmare Bitters told him confidently.</p>
<p>"Maybe my head IS big…" Dib wondered quietly inside his head…</p>
<p>BA-BOOOOOOM!</p>
<p>The large glass windows to the left of Dib and the machine shattered and there he was, riding in a large mechanical skull with spiked feet…Zim!</p>
<p>"Zim!" Dib said happily, eyes widening. Zim gave Dib an odd "You're actually GLAD to see me" look and two mechanical tentacles shot out from the back of the large metal skull, yanking him towards the front of the device. Dib saw he was glaring at him and he frowned. "Aw, C'MON, you're not mad about that whole "leaving you to rot" thing are you?" He asked.</p>
<p>Zim's eye twitched.</p>
<p>THONK! The tentacles squeezed their claws tightly into Dib, making him gasp in pain. "Organs…'sploding…" Dib gasped out.</p>
<p>"I am NOT here because I LIKE you, Dib!" Zim announced angrily, pointing at Dib. "I'm just here for your FILTHY, GARGANTUAN HEAD!"</p>
<p>"Oh, so now it's GARGANTUAN!?" Dib complained.</p>
<p>"Shut up." Zim snapped as he stuffed Dib behind his mechanical skull and more tentacles rose up into the air, firing off disgusting green ooze at the monsters, covering them all.</p>
<p>"Oh, EWWWW!" They all protested.</p>
<p>"What's that smell?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"VICTORY, Dib…VICTORY!" Zim proclaimed.</p>
<p>Nightmare Bitters, however, was NOT about to give up so easily. Letting out a horrid roar, her body bulged thickly ahd her muscles grew. More spiked legs shot out as her tentacles extended further, gaining sharp tips and her body now took on the form of some freakish demonic goat, making Zim gasp. He quickly high-tailed it out of there, running off.</p>
<p>"Find them! That kid is our only hope!" Nightmare Bitters demanded.</p>
<p>"Uh…gee…okay…uh…" One of Halloweenies said, nervously eating a bag of chips.</p>
<p>"NOW!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… Zim approached Dib, holding up the scope as the robot was positioned on buttes above them firing off at the approaching Halloweenies. "I set the robot thing I found in your house for "Auto-Defense." He told Dib as the pink light CONTINUED to beam out, no longer from the gem so much as from a strange portal in his own head. "It'll buy us some time while we use THIS thing to widen the portal in your stinkin' head!"</p>
<p>Dib poked his own head. "I don't really know how to USE it." He admitted.</p>
<p>"Ha! I've used more complicated devices as PLAYTHINGS! I'll figure it out."</p>
<p>TEN…MINUTES…LATER…</p>
<p>Zim was actually STUFFING the small end of the scope into the portal that was coming out of Dib's head.</p>
<p>"Hey, quit it! That's my head!"</p>
<p>BAAA-BOOOOOOM!</p>
<p>The robot exploded and the skull head fell down in a flaming chunk of sinsister wreckage as SHE approached from the smoke…</p>
<p>"There, that should be wide enough!" Zim announced.</p>
<p>"But what about ME?" Dib asked. "How do <strong>I </strong>get back!"</p>
<p>"Good question!" Zim remarked. He thought about it for a few seconds. "…but I don't CARE." He said cheerily. He then waved goodbye as the scope sunk into Dib's head, the portal now significantly larger.</p>
<p>SCHWOOP! Zim jumped inside…and was VIOLENTLY propelled out of the portal into the neighborhood of his house, striking his house's fence and groaning, joining the moaning collection of kids who were littered all around, their candy taken away by GIR, who was SUPER FAT and lying on a pile of candy in the middle of the street, still scarfing down treats.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… Poor Dib was stuck between a rock wall and a hard face, up against a canyon wall as the Halloweenies advanced.</p>
<p>"THERE! Through that hole!" Nightmare Bitters demanded, advancing slowly. Dib looked up at the large circular hole in his head and did the only thing he could think of…</p>
<p>He jumped up and tucked his feet into the portal! He was immediately sucked in, much to Nightmare Bitter's horror…</p>
<p>And was deposited as a ball of organs outside Zim's house…but he then promptly UNTUCKED and found not only was he alright, but that he had a lollipop in one of his hands! He looked at Zim and the neighborhood. "We…we made it…<strong>I</strong> made it!" He proclaimed happily.</p>
<p>Zim groaned. "As soon as my skeleton stops being broken…I'm going to DESTROY you Dib…" Zim groaned.</p>
<p>Then Dib gasped in pain and SHE emerged from the portal in Dib's head, which had not yet closed completely! Her head and front legs were out as she smirked evilly, looking around the neighborhood. "FINALLY! A new, perfect world for me to…ACK!" She suddenly saw all of the children and their costumes, all of whom were beaten up, looking gross, dirty and smelly…</p>
<p>And THEN she saw GIR, aka "Jabba the Mutt", lying on a stack of candy and burping as his chocolate-covered chin downed another sack full of candy. Nightmare Bitters let out a horrified wail and she shot back into the portal, who's pink light faded a few moments later…and with that, the nightmare world was closed off from Dib and Zim…</p>
<p>Dib blinked, looking around at everyone, who had just seen SERIOUSLY freaky stuff. "Uh…well, I'll see you guys at school!" He said, taking off…but not before he grabbed the lollipop from back off the ground and took off with it, as Zim groaned in pain.</p>
<p>"Goodbye, daughter!" Prof. Membrane announced as he waved goodbye to Gaz, who was walking inside the house, still having HER bags of candy. "I'll see you for Christmas-oh. Son?" He turned to see Dib. "Why are you no longer in the crazy house? I'll have to bring you back."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, Dad…Zim was AWFUL!" Dib lied.</p>
<p>"Huh?"</p>
<p>"He told me if I fiddled with your machines and acted crazy he'd give me all his Halloween candy…but all I got was this lollipop!" Dib said, giving his dad his most convincing Bambi eyes.</p>
<p>"Well we can't have THAT." Prof. Membrane said. "Anybody who told you to tell a story like the one you told must be completely <strong>INSANE</strong>!" He pulled out a whistle and blew on it, and Zim found himself being picked up by white coats, to be hauled off to a nearby truck. Dib smirked and licked his lollipop as he watched Zim get tossed inside the padded back room of the truck.</p>
<p>"I <strong>HATE</strong> Halloween…" Zim moaned out.</p></div></div></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. The Sad, Sad Tale of Chickenfoot</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Call me a Chickenfoot! Proud to be a Chickenfoot! I can't walk the walk, but I can bawk the bawk...bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-baaawk!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>THE SAD, SAD TALE OF CHICKENFOOT</strong>
</p>
<p>A man with white hair, a fancy-lookin white suit and a big smile was singing in front of a podium in front of a large amount of people. <em><strong>"I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train!"</strong></em> President Man then nodded, smiling. "And that concludes my statement, honored members of the press! And now I'll take a few hard-hitting questions…"</p>
<p>One reporter raised a hand.</p>
<p>"Yes?"</p>
<p>"Sir you say we have a right to torture…defying international convention!" The reporter spoke up, a pencil in one ear. "Won't you tell us sir, how you support-your…contention?"</p>
<p>"Doug, I'm glad you asked!...and may I mention…" President Man began, raising a finger in the air.</p>
<p>Then he grinned and bounced his head back and forth. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, now you tell me how many pecks of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? FOUR!" He laughed. <em><strong>"I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train!"</strong></em></p>
<p>"Sir, your budget deficits are soaring…while tax cuts for the rich are your obsession! Some would say you're cleverly ignoring…the question!" Another report spoke up, frowning angrily.</p>
<p>"Kenny, I'll say THIS to that suggestion…" President Man began. Then he grinned. "Mrs. Bigger had a baby, now you tell me which was bigger, Mrs. Bigger or her baby?"</p>
<p>The reporter blinked.</p>
<p>"The baby was a little bigger!" The President laughed. <em><strong>"I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! Oh, I'm…goin' up there…come the Rapture! You're comin' with me…or perhaps yer noooooooot! Cuz Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy, and Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, is that coincidence or WHAT?!"</strong></em></p>
<p>"WHAT?!" Everyone gaped.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>"I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train-"</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"SIIIIIR!" Somebody shouted, raising a notepad up. The President stopped singing.</p>
<p>"Your approval rating is deflating…corruption hangs around you like a cancer! The nation's going to Hell and we're awaiting…an <strong>answer</strong>!"</p>
<p>President Man rubbed his chin. "Sean, allow me to spell out my plan!"</p>
<p>"Sir?" Sean tilted his head to the side.</p>
<p>"ABCDEFG-HIJKLMNOP-QRSTUVWXY and Z!" President Man laughed<em><strong>. "I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train! I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train, oh Lordy, I'm gonna ride on the Glory-Bound-Train!"</strong></em></p>
<p>Ms. Bitters off the TV screen he'd been showing off in class and looked at the class. "And that, class, is the reason why the world hates us. That idiot has his finger on a shiny red button that can nuke half the world. Any questions?"</p>
<p>"How do you expect us to learn anything if you keep asking the questions?" A young, orange-haired, slightly fat and slightly tall kid with a big smiley-face t-shirt asked. White peeked in on the class and sighed deeply before depositing a cross mood necklace in his pocket, deciding to give it to Nick later.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib was watching "Mysterious Mysteries" in his TV in his living room, taking a look at the latest mystery of strange mystery…in this case, it was a haunted fork.</p>
<p>"In the end, even Mysterious Mysteries doesn't know what or who is haunting this fork. Maybe it's this guy!"</p>
<p>FWOMP! A picture of a creepy miner was shown on a folder with the title "Case File 0067".</p>
<p>"The truth…is a MYSTERY."</p>
<p>Dib sipped his "Poop Cola" and put it down, glad that Zim was out of the way and still locked up in the Crazy House for Boys. He was nice enough to send letters which such heartwarming words like "And AFTER I beat you to a bloody pulp"…</p>
<p>Picking up his notepad, which was next to him on the couch along with some Chinese food from Green Tea Restaurant, Dib wrote down his observations. To be truthful, he was SLIGHTLY disappointed with some of the latest findings Mysterious Mysteries had. Granted they'd been looking over a lot more places, which showed they were trying, but still-</p>
<p>"Next on Mysterious Mysteries, the mysterious, the horrible, Chickenfoot!"</p>
<p>The TV now showed a case file with the title "0715, CHICKENFOOT" written at the top as strange footage of what appeared to be a giant chicken of some kind was shown, pecking the ground in the alley behind a "Chicky Licky" restaurant. Then Chickenfoot began to rummage around in a dumpster through the trash, and this got Dib to frown.</p>
<p>"Wait, looks like a guy in a Mr. Chicky Licky suit!" He remarked, holding up his binoculars, which were ALSO on the couch with him, and looked intently at the screen. "Yeah, you can see the ZIPPER!" He complained.</p>
<p>Chickenfoot took out a chicken squeeze toy from the dumpster and squeezed it several times. A few moments later an employee, a girl, emerged from the back door and saw him. Chickenfoot clucked in terror and ran for it, running right towards the camera that was recording him…it was with THAT that the footage froze, and you could clearly see the man's face inside the white-feathered costume.</p>
<p>"That is a guy in a Mr. Chicky Licky suit! What kind of idiots do they think we true believers are!?" Dib wondered out loud.</p>
<p>It was at that moment that the door to the house opened, and hover screens flew inside, with Prof. Membrane's personal hover screen leading the way. The other screens were all of world leaders that Dib recognized from watching the news, and all of them were looking around HIS house. It was actually kind of cool.</p>
<p>"Hello, son! I'm giving these world leaders a tour of our home!" He told Dib, who calmly sighed, wishing his dad was ACTUALLY here. He picked up his Pork Fried Rice and got back to work on it as the Japanese leader's hover screen floated to Dib.</p>
<p>"Who is the big headed boy?" He asked.</p>
<p>Dib bit his lip to repress his urge to shout "My head's not big". Fine, maybe his head was big, he wished people would stop TALKING about it!</p>
<p>"This is my son, Dib, the future of the Membrane Empire!" Prof. Membrane said proudly as the world leader's hover screens…well, HOVERED around him!</p>
<p>"Dad, I'm a PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR right now." Dib told him. "Remember?"</p>
<p>"He's a bit insane at the moment, but he'll get over it." Prof. Membrane insisted.</p>
<p>Dib folded his arms and frowned. "Daaaad, paranormal investigation is a perfectly <strong>legitimate</strong> field of study!"</p>
<p>It was then that one such investigator of this "perfectly legitimate field of study" was shown along with the footage of Chickenfoot on the screen of the TV. "We asked a legitimate paranormal investigator what he had to say about Chickenfoot."</p>
<p>"Oh NO." Dib thought out loud. It was none other than the sunglasses-wearing, idiotic BILL!</p>
<p>"Chickenfoot is not a real chicken." Bill said. The footage faded away and it now showed that Bill was in front of the Chicky Licky, holding a bucket of chicken. "He's a space chicken... from a planet where pig demons rule!" He went on, taking a bite from a drumstick.</p>
<p>CLICK! Dib pressed the mute button and his face turned red.</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: WAA WAA WAAA!</strong>
</p>
<p>"<em>Paranormal investigator?</em> Your son believes these things? Are the rest of the people in your country crazy like this boy?" The Japanese leader laughed. Everyone else laughed too, except Prof. Membrane, who looked embarrassed, and the Russian world leader, who was sadly born without a sense of humor…and without hair. AND with a monocle on his eye. It was VERY problematic for his mom, folks!</p>
<p>"We'll discuss this later!" Dib's father said, floating away in a huff.</p>
<p>"But <strong>I</strong> don't believe in Chickenfoot!" Dib protested as the leaders hovered away, laughing. Dib furiously threw his Chinese food away and grit his teeth. "Man, Mysterious Mysteries is getting <strong>desperate</strong> for ratings! This Chickenfoot story is undermining everything that serious paranormal studies stand for! That <strong>I</strong> stand for!" His eyes narrowed as he clenched his fist. "It must be stopped!" He swore, leaping up onto the couch and holding up the remote. He tried to unmute the TV, but unfortunately fell off the couch, losing his balance and making the remote break.</p>
<p>"…I'm okay…" He groaned.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… Dib walked through the wet street in front of Chicky Licky and stopped, looking up at the large chicken statue at the front. He headed inside as a hobo stood at the service window with a bucket of chicken, facing a purple-haired, nose-ringed woman and an ugly-looking man with brown hair.</p>
<p>"I want my slaw!" The hobo demanded.</p>
<p>"You HAVE your slaw, sir!" Eric insisted.</p>
<p>"I want my slaw!"</p>
<p>"You have your slaw, sir!"</p>
<p>"I want my slaw!"</p>
<p>"You have your slaw, sir!"<br/>Dib approached the woman, who spoke up. "Hi. What kinda chicken you want, mister?"</p>
<p>"Actually, I want some information about Chickenfoot." Dib admitted.</p>
<p>Silence. Complete…utter…silence. The hobo backed off, as did Maria and Eric…but then Maria gathered her courage and approached him again. "Don't say that name 'round here! He is the demon beast! We've lost three chicken cookers since he come around!"</p>
<p>"Did Chickenfoot EAT them?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"No, they got better <strong>jobs</strong>, the turnover rate's high... But I hate that chicken beast! Get out!" Maria demanded, climbing on the counter. "Get out now! Before you get a better job toooooo!" She insisted, pounding on the glass. Eric rushed to her side, grabbing her shoulders.</p>
<p>"Maria, don't make a scene!" He insisted, turning his attention to Dib as Maria sobbed. "Young man!" He pulled out a drawer full of chicken, holding it up for Dib to look at. "Perhaps you should try a Mr. Chicky meal! Are you thirsty for chicken?"</p>
<p>Dib WAS a little puckish for fast food…but he withdrew his hand and frowned angrily. "DON'T try to throw me off track!" He insisted.</p>
<p>"No, no! The Chicky meal! It comes with a dirty chicken toy! The head comes off and can be used like a little grappling hook!" Eric insisted.</p>
<p>Dib picked up the chicken toy from the Chicky Meal and pressed a little button on the side. The head popped off with a squeak and it hit the floor, revealing that it was connected to a long string. Dib pressed the button again and the string retracted. "That's... a weird thing for a chicken to do!" Dib remarked.</p>
<p>Eric held up another toy just like it. "That dirty chicken has a secret!" He whispered, motioning for Dib to follow him to the meat locker. Dib headed after him and inside the locker.</p>
<p>For a moment there was naught but darkness. Eric's hand moved across the wall, over the emergency axe…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…going past it and flicking the light on as Dib took a bite of a chicken leg. Eric shut the meat locker door as Dib looked around at the various piles of chicken meat and a huge shark jaw that was put up, "guarding" one pile of chicken.</p>
<p>Eric motioned Dib to come closer to him and Dib did so. "Okay, what's the secret of Chickenfoot?"</p>
<p>"Ask the dirty chicken!" Eric said, holding the chicken toy in front of Dib, squeezing it to make it squeak.</p>
<p>"…what is the secret, um…dirty…chicken?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>SQUEAK-SQUEAK!</p>
<p>"Okay, quit that!" Dib snapped.</p>
<p>"Chickenfoot is a mass of chicken evil!" Eric said. The light flashed ominously overhead as Eric went on, the shadow son the wall dancing as he told his tale. "He has come back to avenge the souls of all his chicken brothers! OOOOOOOH!" He proclaimed spookily.</p>
<p>"Oh come on, it's a guy in a chicken suit! Don't you have any hard facts?" Dib demanded, snatching the dirty chicken toy away. "I WANT…HARD…FACTS!" He insisted.</p>
<p>Eric hid behind a barrel of lard, cowering. "Don't hurt me! They say Chickenfoot lives in an apartment building on third street." He then grabbed a dead, plucked chicken from off the shelf and waved it in the air like a ghost. "Ooohhoooooh!"</p>
<p>Dib sighed as the light bulb flickered again, and decided to fix it, getting a ladder and rubbing the bulb with a piece of cloth. "Lemme see if I got this right, The mass of chickeny evil has an apartment?"</p>
<p>ZZAAAP! It burnt out, sending him flying. "WOAH!"</p>
<p>AND SO…A LITTLE WHILE LATER…</p>
<p>Dib looked over the list of people who were living at "Sweaty Pits" apartment and rubbed his chin. "Govern, Rodriguez, Trueheart, Smacky... No Chickenfoot! The old man lied to me!" He frowned.</p>
<p>Suddenly a man in a trench coat who's bottom half of his face was being hidden walked past Dib, accidentally knocking into him. He apologized and headed up the stairs, making gobble noises…</p>
<p>And leaving behind some feathers.</p>
<p>"Heyyy!" Dib called out, running inside and up the stairs. He slid across the floor and ran down the hall, looking around…and catching sight of the man, who saw Dib was after him and took off. "Stop! STOP!" Dib yelled.</p>
<p>The man ran for his life as Dib rushed after him, seeing the mysterious trench-coated person turning a corner. He reached the corner a few moments later but…</p>
<p>He found himself at an intersection hallway, and there was no man in sight. BUT there was a trail of feathers leading to a nearby door. He ran towards the door, leaping up through the air heroically and kicking it. The door burst open and Dib held his accusatory pointer finger up. "Give up, Chicken-"</p>
<p>BOINK! The door bounced back and slammed Dib in the face, Newton's laws at work. Dib groaned and muttered an oath against "Real Science" and simply pushed the door open. "Give up, Chickenfoot, I've got you now!"</p>
<p>The man, who spoke with a slightly Irish accent blinked. "Wait... You wants Chickenfoot! Ho ho, see. I'm Turkeyneck!" He pulled open his trench coat to reveal a HUGE amount of neck flab and a LOT of chins as feathers flew out. "Chickenfoot's two doors down!"</p>
<p>"Well then why'd you <strong>run</strong> from me?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"I thought you were one a those darn kids after me lucky neck meats!"Turkeyneck said, holding up his neck flabs and shaking them around. "They're always after me neck meats! Dontcha know!" He smacked his lips. "Ya see me neck meats? They're LUCKY! They taste great!"</p>
<p>"LESS FILLING!" Someone down the halls shouted.</p>
<p>"TASTES GREAT!" Turkeyneck hollered back.</p>
<p>"LESS FILLING!"</p>
<p>Dib stuck his tongue out and exited the room, heading for the apartment two doors down and walking inside the lonely little place. There were feathers all over the place, a TV to the side, a chicken coop, and a plain mattress on the floor with sheets and a pillow on it.</p>
<p>"Chickenfoot?" He called out.</p>
<p>TWHOOM! An ENORMOUS swarm of chickens fluttered around, bawking madly. Dib fell to the ground, groaning as they flew past him and he rubbed his head…then he saw him. SAW him in the large chicken coop, which was covered in straw. "Chickenfoot!" He exclaimed.</p>
<p>"Eh? Go away!" Chickenfoot said, shielding his face with his arms and turning away from Dib. "Don't look at me!"</p>
<p>"I just wanna talk." Dib said gently.</p>
<p>"Don't look at my face! My horrible face!"</p>
<p>Dib picked up an old piece of chicken from a bucket of chicken lying on the ground.</p>
<p>"What happened to you?" He asked.</p>
<p>"It's a sad, sad, revolting tale!" Chickenfoot said sadly. "I was once a man, like you…I held a "Thirsty for Chicken" sign, working at a chicken restaurant, just like you…"</p>
<p>"I don't work in a chicken restaurant." Dib remarked.</p>
<p>"DON'T LOOK AT ME!" Chickenfoot shouted.</p>
<p>"I wasn't-just go on." Dib groaned.</p>
<p>"My name is... <strong>was</strong>... Chuy Rodriguez. I lived…I laughed…I LOVED…I had a good life…" He then hopped out of the chicken coop and spread his wings, eyes filling with sad memory. "But one fateful day, my destiny collided with a defective microwave oven... of <strong>DOOM</strong>!"</p>
<p>SAID DAY…</p>
<p>Maria had been doing the dishes. A container of French fries was in the tray of one of those dirty dishes, and Eric was actually scarfing them DOWN!</p>
<p>"The potatoes are bad!" Maria snapped.</p>
<p>"These potatoes are GREAT!" Eric proclaimed.</p>
<p>"Potatoes are bad!"</p>
<p>"These potatoes are wonderful!"</p>
<p>"The potatoes are nasty and bad!"</p>
<p>"These potatoes are the best potatoes in the world!"</p>
<p>Chuy walked into the kitchen as Maria and Eric yanked on opposite ends of the tray. "They are NOT, they're bad nasty bad potatoes!"</p>
<p>Chuy calmly put a plate of chicken in the microwave as Eric kept trying to stuff more fries into his hungry mouth, spittle flying everywhere. Chuy set the microwave for three minutes as Maria shouted "NOOOO", all of time moving in slow motion…</p>
<p>Eric and Maria tugged back and forth…and Eric gave in, letting go and making Maria fall to the ground, sending the container of dirty dishes flying into the air.</p>
<p>"NOOOOO!"</p>
<p>The container soaked the microwave and electricity shot out, making Chuy scream…</p>
<p>BA-BOOOOOOM! An explosion rocked the Chicky Licky…</p>
<p>PRESENT…</p>
<p>"I survived, but the accident had caused an unholy fusion of man and chicken! And now..." Chuy covered his face. "I must survive on the fringes of society! Neither man nor chicken! Something in-between! A... a chickeny man!"</p>
<p>Dib rubbed his chin and moved behind Chuy. "Hey, hold on, the explosion probably just stuck the zipper! I could pull it loose!" He offered, reaching for the zipper. Unfortunately Chuy turned away and looked at him.</p>
<p>"You speak madness, boy! Every day that goes by I become more grotesque!" Chuy told him.</p>
<p>"That's because you don't bathe." Dib said, putting his hand on his nose.</p>
<p>"I can't even leave the apartment anymore!" Chuy said, looking out the window. "Now the chicken meal toys are my only friends!" He said, squeezing a group of chicken meal toys he'd put on the windowsill. "My one regret is I never got the dirty chicken toy."</p>
<p>"Wait…" Dib raised an eyebrow. "You mean THIS?" He asked, holding up his dirty chicken toy.</p>
<p>"AH! AY! Gi-give me that!" Chuy demanded, lunging for it. Dib moved out of the way quickly.</p>
<p>"Hold on! You get it ONLY if you promise to come to the hospital with me! I think I can put an end to this once and for all!" Dib insisted.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Chuy, aka Chickenfoot, was holding the dirty chicken toy as he sat on a bed in the examination room of the hospital, with a doctor pacing back and forth in front of him. Dib was on the phone in the hallway, talking to the media. "Yes, yes, send a news crew RIGHT away! I have the REAL Chickenfoot story!"</p>
<p>The doctor sighed as a hover screen showed an X-Ray of Chuy, showing him that he was CLEARLY inside of a costume. She tapped the pointer in her hands, sighing. "Sigh…okay, let's go over it again, alright?" She pointed at the x-ray on the hover screen. "HERE is the chicken head. THAT is YOUR head. Looking out the MASK. See? Right there, okay?"</p>
<p>Dib walked up behind Chuy and smiled ."Ya see, Chuy? It's JUST A COSTUME." Dib said gently. "Now let us take it off before you make a total mockery of paranormal studies!"</p>
<p>"No, it's not true! It's impossible!" Chuy gapsed out, lying on his stomach and hiding his head in his big, feathered costume hands.</p>
<p>"WHA?" The doctor sighed. "We can just UNZIP the BACK." She said, reaching for the zipper. Chuy immediately whacked her over and rolled off the bed he was on. "NO! You taunt me! I'm a FREAAAAK and I'll always be a freak!"</p>
<p>With that, he made a run for the door, screaming as he soared out into the hallway.</p>
<p>"…it's really hard to wanna chase somebody who smells that bad…but I'll do it…FOR SCIENCE!" Dib proclaimed, rushing after him.</p>
<p>Chuy kept knocking into people left and right, all the while making gobbling noises. He hit a burn victim on a gurney and dropped the dirty chicken toy…he knocked an old woman in a wheelchair over and made her cuss.</p>
<p>Dib picked up the ditrty chicken toy and waved it in the air. "Chickenfoot! Come back! You're not a freak! You're just <strong>stupid</strong>!" He yelled, running out the hospital after Chuy, who was in the parking lot, pecking at the ground and hopping around. He then accidentally knocked into a truck and groaned…and then he saw his face.</p>
<p>He screamed at the sight of his "freakishness" and ran back towards the hospital. Dib, however, was ready. He unhooked the beak of the dirty chicken which pulled out intoa string, swung it over his head and tossed it…it sailed through the air, hooking onto the costume zipper. Dib tugged and tugged, but couldn't hold back Chuy, who dragged Dib along as he ran through the hospital…</p>
<p>BANG! Unfortunately Dib ended up getting slammed against a door, the string becoming taut on the other end, where Chuy and a news crew had fathered. Chuy tried to run further, but since Dib, still holding onto the chicken grappling hook toy, was on the other end…he wasn't going anywhere.</p>
<p>"Look, it's Chickenfoot!" One reporter exclaimed, pointing at Chuy…</p>
<p>And then it happened. The hook of the dirty chicken toy finally got the zipper unzipped and Chuy popped out of the suit, falling to the ground, with all the news crew jabbering to each other as they crowded around him.</p>
<p>" Chickenfoot? Chickenfoot, over here sir! Over here!"</p>
<p>"Chickenfoot rocks!" Somebody shouted.</p>
<p>Chuy lifted his hands to the air. "The curse if LIFTED! Oh, THANK YOU!" He proclaimed to the Lord.</p>
<p>Dib walked in, putting his fists on his hips. "It was JUST a <strong>COSTUME</strong>." He exclaimed.</p>
<p>"Chickenfoot was a fraud all along!?" A reporter asked.</p>
<p>Dib looked triumphantly at them all as he addressed them. "This just proves that paranormal studies isn't a bunch of crazies believing in anything! We also disprove the frauds!" He insisted.</p>
<p>"I bet this means BIGFOOT is a fraud too!"</p>
<p>"And UFOS!"</p>
<p>"And hobos!"</p>
<p>"No, wait! Those are real!" Dib said, raising an eyebrow. "Except the hobos. Wait, no. They're real. I... I guess. But-" He shook his head, groaning. "<strong>What's WRONG with you people!?"</strong> He shouted.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib sat back on his couch as Mysterious Mysteries played on the TV, with John the anchor sitting at a desk. A picture of Chuy and Chickenfoot, side by side, were shown to his upper right. And so, the legendary Chickenfoot has been exposed as a fake, calling into question all other monster sightings."</p>
<p>Dib shut the TV off. "Well, that didn't turn out like I planned, but at least the whole thing's finally over."</p>
<p>He put his arms behind his head and nodded approvingly. Chuy was back at work for Chicky Licky, now manning the CASH REGISTER. His dad had actually been grateful for "putting his mind to good use" and he had some good publicity that would last him at LEAST a week. "Mmmmyep." He said, smiling. "Nothing like that will ever happen ever again!"</p>
<p>Meanwhile…at Krazy Taco, a man approached a microwave, pressing a few buttons to heat up some tacquitos. There was a blinding flash of light…</p>
<p>"NOOOOO! NOOO! Oh, I'm a TAAACOOOOO!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. GIR Goes Crazy and Stuff</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>This was a triumph! I'm making a note here: huge success! It's hard to overstate my satisfactiooooon...</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>GIR GOES CRAZY AND STUFF</strong>
</p>
<p>Since Nick had unfortunately been turned into a child who spent most of the time being depressed over being manipulated and tricked by Sue AND becoming short and overweight, that meant that WHITE now had most of the duty of looking after Zim, Dib, Gaz and GIR. The only problem was that White gave Zim a LOT of free rein when it came to evil plans…</p>
<p>Zim was currently in his Voot Cruiser above a large farm's grazing field. Passing over a barn, the ship hovered above a cow, one of many who were grazing and just minding their own business. The Voot Cruiser opened up it's bottom hatch as it lowered slightly and it used it's tractor beam to slowly envelop the cow. Several of the cows saw this and quickly backed away.</p>
<p>GIR, meanwhile, popped down in front of the cow, who was now hovering up thanks to the beam. He held onto the bungee he was using and waved with his other hand. "Hi cow!" He said, his head sliding open. A sombrero popped out and he put it on the cow's head and began to shake his booty madly.</p>
<p>"GIIIR! GET IN HERE!" Zim shouted.</p>
<p>"Bye cow!" GIR said, waving goodbye. He was promptly yanked back up and the tractor beam disappeared, the cow falling back to the ground. Zim, sitting at the controls, sighed as GIR rose up on a platform behind him, the hatch closing behind the robot.</p>
<p>"No playing with the dirty cow monsters, GIR! This is serious work we do!" Zim told GIR.</p>
<p>"Ooooh…<em>really</em>?" GIR asked, popping up next to Zim.</p>
<p>"Let's switch. You man the tractor beam, I'll pump the cows full of human sewage." Zim informed him.</p>
<p>GIR leaned in close to Zim and got RIGHT in his face. "Cows are my frieeeeends…"</p>
<p>"…when you get like this I don't like you. The controls, GIR." Zim remarked coldly.</p>
<p>"WHEEE-OOOOH!" GIR cheered, waving his arms in the air before leaping onto the control panel and began rapidly pressing buttons. Zim strapped a green canister to his back that had the note "Caution: Dooky" on it. He armed himself with a projectile cannon that hooked to the canister and put on some goggles as Zim lowered himself down on the tractor beam.</p>
<p>"As soon as I've tainted the humans meat supply with filth, they will be ripe for conquest." Zim said, smirking. "Soon the name of Invader Zim will be synonymous with DOOKY!"</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "…that…sounded…more impressive in my head, GIR! Bring me <em>cooow</em>…" He demanded, clenching his claws.</p>
<p>GIR switched to duty mode. "Yes, sir!"</p>
<p>And then he went back to normal mode. "I LIKE dooky!"</p>
<p>"…sometimes I'm afraid to find out what's going on in that <strong>insane</strong> head of yours…" Zim wondered out loud.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, GIR was watching the cows intently, and his eyes widened as they transformed into beautiful weenies with top hats, dinner jackets and big smiles. They began to dance around and they called to him. "Dance with us, GIR! Dance with us into <strong>oblivion</strong>!"</p>
<p>GIR smiled happily, pressing a button on the control panel. A pink, waving tractor beam came out of another hatch in the Voot Cruiser, picking up a cow and sending it flying through the air, screaming/mooing.</p>
<p>"GIR! What are you doing?!" Zim yelled.</p>
<p>"Weenies! Weenieees! Dancin' weenies, da na na naaa…" GIR laughed, pressing random buttons with his tongue sticking out as he shook his bootie. WOOSH! Up went another cow! It flew straight into a barn and landed on a bale of hay.</p>
<p><em>"I'm okay! I'm okay!"</em> The cow called out in moo-speak.</p>
<p>THWOOOMP! Several beams fell down on top of the bale of hay.</p>
<p><em>"…I'm still okay!"</em> The cow mooed out.</p>
<p>"Stop! You'll blow our ingenious cover!" Zim yelled as another cow came dangerously close to him. He tried to head back up into the Voot Cruiser, but the tractor beam instead slammed the cow right into Zim, bashing him against the bottom of the Voot Cruiser and sending dooky flying everywhere.</p>
<p>SOON…</p>
<p>Zim was now COVERED in sewage as GIR sat next to him, humming and occasionally giggling madly. Flies buzzed around in the air.</p>
<p>"…GIIIIIIR…" He growled.</p>
<p>EVEN SOONER…</p>
<p>Zim was inside his lab, specifically in the hologram room. The walls had small, circular objects all over, attached by crossing lines, and Zim and GIR stood in the center of this enormous room, with Zim folding his arms. "It's time we did something about your behavior glitches, GIR." He told GIR, who was dancing around and singing.</p>
<p>"Doo dee doo dee dooooo, waffles! Waffa-waffa-waffa-waffa-waffles! Waffa-waffa-waffa-waffa-waffles! Waaaffles! Waaffles!"</p>
<p>Zim took something out of a small, risen platform, a black device that he held in his gloved claws. "I'm going to attempt to lock you into Duty-mode with this behavioral modulator." He told GIR, who giggled at this. "What?"</p>
<p>"Doody."</p>
<p>Zim groaned and turned back to the control platform, pressing the button to activate "Holographic Simulation: Dib with spiky thing". Yes. He named it "Dib with Spiky Thing". I never said Zim was IMAGINATIVE.</p>
<p>Soon the entire place was altered…now Dib stood in a the street before Zim and GIR, holding onto a black mace.</p>
<p>"I will make you suffer large, alien!" Holo-Dib said. Remarkably, his behavior was a LOT like the original Dib.</p>
<p>"GIR! Attack!" Zim ordered.</p>
<p>GIR went into Duty-Mode and saluted. "Yes, sir!"</p>
<p>Zim stood to the side of GIR and turned the knob on the behavior modulator in his gloved claws up a notch with a "BEEP" as GIR examined Dib, his optic sensors marking him as "Target: Big-Headed Boy", the order "Destroy" flashing. GIR ran towards him the words "Target acquired" appearing next to Holo-Dib's head. But THEN…</p>
<p>His attention turned to a nearby empty can of Poop cola, his target changing as he turned back into normal mode and picked up the can, bashing it against his head, giggling as Holo-Dib swung his mace at the air. GIR then popped the can into his mouth, chewing.</p>
<p>"No more distractions, GIR!" Zim insisted, pointing at Holo-Dib and going back to GIR's body. "Attack the human!" He said, turning the knob on the behavior modulator up a few more notches. "THIS time on a dangerously high setting!"</p>
<p>BEEP!</p>
<p>GIR spat the can's remains out, going into duty mode and saluting. "Yes, sir!" He said, rushing towards Holo-Dib and landing a few feet away, his hands before him in a karate style. He let out a "Woaaah…"</p>
<p>And then began to sing, going back to normal mode and bouncing around. "Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee dooooo!"</p>
<p>"ATTACK!" Zim roared out, turning up the behavior modulator to "Ludicrous". GIR saluted in Duty Mode once again and his eyes glowed brightly red…</p>
<p>He stared at "Dib" and came to one conclusion. "Sir, target is a hologram and therefore not a threat to our mission!"</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his chin, a slow warmth spreading through his body. "And what IS our mission, GIR?" He asked softly.</p>
<p>"Blend in with the indigenous life, analyze their weaknesses, prepare the planet for the coming badness! Yay." He cheered nonchalantly, putting his hands behind his back.</p>
<p>Zim grinned wildly. "Yes, yes…Yes! With you fully functional and by my side, we shall rule this world sooner than without you by my side…not being…fully…" He blinked a few times. "…ah, let's get outta here." He remarked, turning the hologram off and heading for the door. GIR stared after him…</p>
<p>And for the briefest of moments, his eye twitched…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…GIR and Zim walked inside the kitchen, a police siren going off in the background.</p>
<p>"You are now the evil henchman I so rightly deserved all along, GIR. An assistant worthy of me! I AM ZIM!" He exclaimed, waving his fists in the air. "Now, with your amazing new programming, investigate that sound!"</p>
<p>GIR blinked. "Sir, it is merely a police siren-"</p>
<p>"DO AS I SAY." Zim snapped.</p>
<p>"Yes, sir!" GIR said, saluting, then running towards the door. "Opening door!"</p>
<p>TWHOOOM! He RIPPED the door off it's hinges. "Running! Runniiiing!" He roared out, running down the street.</p>
<p>Zim blinked. He heard White's voice speak to him.</p>
<p>
  <em>Wow, is it me, or is he narrating his own exploits like YOU?</em>
</p>
<p>"I know, I've…never been more proud." Zim admitted, smiling.</p>
<p>THEN a police car crashed through the front of the house, landing in the living room, the siren going dead as GIR's fist smashed threw the windshield and he tossed out the policeman who'd been sitting inside. The man was tied up in his seatbelt and Zim gaped at the sight.</p>
<p>"GIR! What have you done? This isn't information retrieval! Are you <strong>insane</strong>?!" He yelled, tugging a this antennae as GIR stood atop the hood.</p>
<p>"I have captured the enemy for meat testing! Praise me! Praise meee!"</p>
<p>"All my bones… jammed up into my neck!" The officer groaned.</p>
<p>"EWWWW." Zim said, sticking his tongue out.</p>
<p>The officer looked at GIR, then at Zim.</p>
<p>"Huh…? Aliens?!"</p>
<p>"Great. <strong>Now</strong> I have to wipe his brain to make him forget all he's seeeeen!" Zim groaned, grabbing the officer by the cuff. He dragged the man to his underground laboratory, strapping him to an operating table and attaching two tubes to his head as he stood atop his spider legs, sighing. "This memory transplant will take hours! And I had planned on spending this afternoon experimenting on the happiness centers of <strong>Nick's</strong> brain…"</p>
<p>Nick, as it were, was floating around in a containment tube with a big orange shirt that said "Nick" on the front. He had an ENORMOUS grin. "I'm so happy! All the time! Just great!" He proclaimed. "Gimme a hug!"</p>
<p>"Yep…I need to lower the dosage." Zim thought out loud, scratching his head. "And for the fifth time, NO!" He shouted, going to the tube and pressing a button on the control console nearby, which flooded the tube with sedatives, making him go to sleep.</p>
<p>The blond-haired, middle-aged officer gasped, lifting his head and managing to open up his wallet, showing off a roll of pictures. One of him hugging his wife and his first daughter, the other of a daughter wearing his police helmet as she stood in front of a police lineuip, the fourth of an attack dog with a muzzle and a fuzzy cat, another of his house, another of his toilet…</p>
<p>"Please!" He begged. "I have a house, and children, and pets, and a toilet…toilet children…"</p>
<p>"Make silence now, human!" Zim hissed coldly. There was no pity in his eyes as he stuck a tube into the man's mouth and shoved the tube deeper into his throat.</p>
<p><em>If you KILL him, then…</em> White frowned to himself. He did NOT want to have to tell Nick that Zim had murdered somebody. It would make Nick feel even worse about Zim, and Nick didn't need that…he thought far too highly of Zim and the others.</p>
<p><em>"This won't KILL him."</em> Zim snapped back in his head.</p>
<p>"With all due respect, you must know the SIR unit code enables free will in the event that the mission is threatened. This police human was a threat." GIR told him.</p>
<p>Zim turned his head, eyes a-blazin'. "You dare tell me what I already know?!"</p>
<p>"Didja know that?" GIR asked.</p>
<p>"Of COURSE I…nngh…" He frowned. <strong>"…your legs are stupid!"</strong> He snapped, heading over to a containment tube that had a squid in it, draining the liquid from it and removing the squid. He carried it over to the officer as GIR looked Zim over, his optic sensors narrowing as he began to think VERY carefully…</p>
<p>"Go upstairs and…um, monitor Earth broadcasts until I think of something better for you to do! That's a good GIR…"</p>
<p>The words "Zim" appeared next to Zim's head and "human" appeared next to the officer on GIR'S optics. These disappeared and the words "Analyzing Intelligence: Questionable" appeared, and after this the words "Order: Counter-productive" appeared. The conclusion was as such: "Zim=Commander?"</p>
<p>GIR'S red eyes glowed, one of them twitching once more.</p>
<p>"GIR?" Zim inquired.</p>
<p>"Right away…s-sir…" GIR finally said, walking off as Zim got to work.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…GIR watched TV, frustration rising in him as he surfed channel after channel, watching more than one of the TVs they had. "Observing… observing… observing…!"</p>
<p>Not even the Krazy Taco theme song brought GIR's "normal" mode back nor put a flicker of a smile on his face. Nor did any of the usual commercials!</p>
<p>Mr. Elliot, who had finally found work in TV, asked, as a waiter, "Do you suffer from intestinal itching? <strong>I</strong> do!"</p>
<p>"Television is stupid." GIR decided, turning them all off. "The master is not utilizing me properly! I will show my 'Master' how information collecting is done!" He proclaimed, looking out the window and using his fancy guidance system to locate the proper building which would have the right information he needed. He settled down on one in particular…the LIBRARY.</p>
<p>"An information center... Excellent." He hissed, eyes narrowing. He hopped off the couch and went into the kitchen, then cmae back out, a large data canister strapped to his back as he exited the doorway.</p>
<p>Within the library there were hundreds of shelves of books, though there weren't as many people as there should have been inside. There was even an entire section devoted to strategy guides, and you could rent a digital copy of the Library of Congress by signing it out: the CD was in a glass dome at the far end, in the "HISTORY" section. A teenager with a large overbite put some DVDs down onto the counter, all of them centered around histories of violence.</p>
<p>A retinal scanner scanned his eyes. "SCANNING…SCANNING…REJECTED!"</p>
<p>FWOOM! A circular device hovered around the boys feet and rose up like a geyser, creating a large red barrier around him as he glanced around nervously.</p>
<p>The Librarian shook her head. "I'm sorry, you have <strong>two</strong> discs overdue. We'll have to confiscate your retinas for a week!" She said, giggling.</p>
<p>CRASH! The doors were flung away as GIR emerged, floating in the air, whip-like wires extending from the top of the data canister that was strapped to his back. Electricity sparkled madly from the top of the canister as GIR addressed the librarian. "I require access to all human knowledge!" He proclaimed.</p>
<p>Marion tapped her chin. "Hmm… hmmm…"</p>
<p>She then gripped her head, thinkin' REAL hard. "ERRR…that would be…under reference!" She said finally, holding up a finger.</p>
<p>GIR's eyes narrowed.<strong> "Not acceptable, Library-drone!" </strong>He said darkly, shooting the wires forward towards her, making her scream…</p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>Zim, now in human disguise, pulled the tube out of the cop's mouth and allowed the man to sit up straight on the operating table. "My tentacles! Where are my tentacles?!"</p>
<p>"Don't worry, officer. You are in a filthy earth brain hospital. Your feelings are normal." He grinned cheerfully. "There's a squid brain in your head!"</p>
<p>"Awwww, do you wanna hug?" Nick asked from the containment tube.</p>
<p>"ARGH!" Zim groaned. How had he awoken from the sedatives?! "You know what?! I liked you better when you weren't this happy! Computer, shoot him to the Dib's house. He's HIS problem now!"</p>
<p>The tube promptly shot up through the ceiling, to land straight at Dib's house. A loud, angry YELL was heard and Zim knew that it was Gaz, since an ENORMOUS wave of dark purple doom rippled through reality a moment later, dissipating before Zim's eyes. He nervously gulped and hoped that Gaz would never find out HE was behind it.</p>
<p>It was then that the communicator attached to "Squidman's" arm crackled to life.</p>
<p>"Calling unit twelve! Unit twelve!"</p>
<p>Squidman made a high-pitched whining noise, looking around, confused.</p>
<p>"Something's wrong! My ink! Why can't I shoot ink anymore? What kind of squid can't shoot ink?!" He screamed, grabbing his head. "SQUIIIID!"</p>
<p>The dispatcher at the end of the communicator went on. "Situation at the public library: Flying metal child draining the brains of citizens. Respond immediately!"</p>
<p>Zim gasped. "Oh, it's GIR! I've got to stop him before he ruins everything! That horrible robot!" He swore, rushing off. Squidman fell off the table, and wiggled after Zim, going across the ground. "Use your LEGS, you idiot!" Zim yelled at him.</p>
<p>"Please! Just take me back to the sea!" Squidman called after him, his begging eyes now dilated and yellow in color, his body now a visible shade of bluish/purple.</p>
<p>This begged the question…what was going on with the BODY of the squid?</p>
<p>"…what am I gonna tell the wife?" The squid asked White as White sat with him by the beach. White shrugged at this and offered him an ice cream cone.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…well, Zim used the ruined police car and the officer's former cop clothes to drive to the library. Squidman had jumped onto a nearby door and was sucking on the window as Zim entered the library, adjusting the cop cap he wore. "Relax, humans! The police are- ewww!" He exclaimed in utter horror.</p>
<p>GIR was floating in midair, still strapped to the data canister. Each of the wires coming from the canister had attached themselves to humans and were making THEM hover in the air. A blue aura surrounded GIR and the canister as he hovered there, with more wires stuck into the disc sockets of library computers. One of the wires whipsped back and inserted a disc into a slot in the canister, then another, then another, then another.</p>
<p>GIR was COVERED in blood which slowly dripped down onto the ground off his metallic body. Zim turned his head to see a dead librarian and several other humans who had apparently struggled too hard against the wires that had tried to drain from their brain. He felt a horrid shudder go through him as GIR's voice spoke.</p>
<p>"The knowledge… it fills me… it is <strong>neat</strong>!" He announced in a wise tone.</p>
<p>The stench of blood filled the air and Zim tried not to puke. GIR was going too far AND endangering their mission. "GIR! You've drained enough humans today!" Zim ordered.</p>
<p>"Data canister is not yet full!" GIR said right back.</p>
<p>Zim just took out the Behavior Modulator and growled. "I command you to get outta here before we're noticed…"</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: Cricket's Chirping</strong>
</p>
<p>"…noticed some <em>more</em>."</p>
<p>SNAP! One of the wires grabbed the Behavioral Modulator right out of his gloved claws. "Hey, quit it!" Zim yelled, shaking his fist.</p>
<p>GIR tossed the Modulator right inside his head and his eyes narrowed. "You are no commander! You are a threat to the mission! Your methods are <strong>stupid</strong>! Your progress has been <strong>STUPID!</strong> Your intelligence is <strong>STUPID!</strong> For the sake of the mission, you must be <strong>TERMINATED!</strong>" He roared out, his eyes glowing with a burning fire.</p>
<p>Zim, however, had only heard "You're stupid" and didn't comprehend what GIR was about to do…he sort of COULDN'T, after all, this was GIR. "You dare speak to your master in such-" He began.</p>
<p>He <em>didn't</em> finish. A wire knocked him over and he gasped, pain shooting through his body, He immediately turned to Squidman. "Squidman! Assist me!"</p>
<p>Squidman leapt off the wall he had been on and clenched his fist, grunting and making a high-pitched noise. "Uhh… ink…not…working! All that comes out is… you don't wanna <strong>know</strong> what comes out…" He told Zim sadly.</p>
<p>Zim gulped as he stood up, GIR's eyes glowing brightly. He barely dodged in time as GIR shot a fiery beam out from his eyes. Zim gasped and ran for his life as GIR blasted holes over and over into the ground, finally making Zim fall down to the lower level of the library.</p>
<p>"GIR! Listen to me! We have to get out of here! You're malfunctioning!" Zim cried out as he lay at the bottom of the basement.</p>
<p>GIR peered down into the hole, a horrid look on his face. "Stupidity is the enemy! ZIM is enemy!" He stated, eyes glowing. Zim screamed like mad and ran for his life as GIR shot another laser beam at him, then lowered himself down to the basement to chase after Zim.</p>
<p>Squidman raced after them. "Wait! Don't leave me on land!" He yelled, leaping down into the hole to the basement after them. Zim rushed through the hallways, finally skidding to a halt between two shelves of books, one on the medicinal use of bunnies, the other on the practical use of antelopes. Carefully, Zim tiptoed down the rows, sweat pouring down his brow…</p>
<p>BOMP. A book fell off the shelf and Zim screamed, jumping onto the other shelf and trembling. "GIR! GIR, is that you?!" He called out. He jumped back down, backing away.</p>
<p>This was REALLY HAPPENING, he realized. GIR was trying to kill him. GIR. The same lovable robot who always tried to hug him, who liked watching TV, who'd make Zim cupcakes and muffins…that same robot was now trying to eradicate him.</p>
<p>And he then backed into that same robot, who let out a nasty scream, waving his arms threateningly. Zim immediately yelled in horror and grabbed a nearby book, whacking GIR over the head with it and climbing up the shelf to get away as GIR'S optic sensors tracked him.</p>
<p>"Target found! <strong>Eliminating moron!</strong>" GIR growled.</p>
<p>Zim leapt to the other side just as GIR fired through the shelf he'd been on. Fire rose up through the air, a burning smell of seared paper rising as GIR activated his x-ray enhancement that came standard with his optics. He saw Zim through a shelf…and Zim turned his head, seeing GIR through some small folds of books. He gasped and ran away again as more laser beams shot through the air to turn him into fleshy slag.</p>
<p>He finally reached a sign that read "Book Drop" at the front. Zim groaned and then took off running again as another laser hit the nearby wall. He decided to duck into a room with a set of double doors at the front, with a sign at the top reading "Viewing Screens". GIR ran through the room, past rows and rows of computers which lined all the walls…but unfortunately for him, the room ended in a dead end, blocked by, of all things, vending machines. The irony was so thick you could TASTE it.</p>
<p>"Curse you, snacks! Curse yoooooouuuuu!" Zim cried, shaking his fists in the air.</p>
<p>THWICK! The lights went off. Zim turned around and saw GIR'S glowing red eyes coming towards him, the electricity from the data canister making the room flash with light. Four wires emerged from the canister and slammed Dib hard into the candy machine behind him, cracking the glass and knocking the police cap off his head. Another wirew attached itself to the first computer in a nearby row, and a few moments alter all the computer's had GIR'S face on the monitors.</p>
<p>"For the good of the mission…" GIR whispered darkly, his words echoing through the room.</p>
<p>Zim began to beg. He looked like he was going to cry. "GIR… you were my servant once! Remember?" He asked softly.</p>
<p>"Yes." GIR said, his eyes widening for a moment. For a second, Zim hoped that he'd gotten through to GIR, but…they didn't turn back to his normal color, and narrowed coldly, angrily. <em>"I didn't like it."</em> GIR muttered hatefully, his eyes glowing. Zim tried desperately to escape, but it was no use…GIR was about to fire his laser…</p>
<p>"GIR, <em>please</em>…" Zim begged. He couldn't do this, GIR was…he was…he…</p>
<p>Zim had almost said it. GIR was not JUST a servant. That little guy was…was FAMILY to him. And now he was going to die. GIR was going to kill him.</p>
<p>…but the funny thing is, he didn't get a chance to.</p>
<p>"Hey! Over here!"</p>
<p>GIR turned to the left and…</p>
<p>SPLOOOORCH! Ink got RIGHT in his eyes! He rubbed them frantically. "Vision…impaired! Can't seeeeee!"</p>
<p>Squidman got all teary-eyed with joy. "My ink! I did it!" He yelled happily.</p>
<p>The wires shot back into the canister and Zim took the opportunity, rushing forward and leaping onto GIR, knocking the canister off kilter and reaching into GIR's quickly-opened head, grabbing the Behavioral Modulator. GIR couldn't reach him with his OWN arm, so one of the wires smacked him off…</p>
<p>But too late! Zim turned the Modulator all the way down…and with that, GIR returned to normal, falling to the ground along with the canister. He then grinned.</p>
<p>"Hi, floor! Make me a sammich!" He asked the floor.</p>
<p>"That's <strong>better</strong>!…I guess?" Zim wondered out loud. He then nodded. Yes, it was better. He'd rather have insane but impressionable over competent but cold-hearted GIR. He calmly watched GIR run circles around the Data Canister, giggling madly.</p>
<p>"Sammiiiich! Nyee hee hee! Sammich! Nyeh heh…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…and so, quite some time later, GIR, Zim, White and Squidman arrived at the beach, with Squidman wearing his cop's hat again, his skin now looking squishier than normal. W</p>
<p>"I want to thank you. That was quite an adventure! The car wreck, the library fight, and then the galactic space battle that happened on the way to this beach." Squidman said.</p>
<p>"Once again, I'm VERY sorry…" White apologized, rubbing the back of his head. "I RUINED the paint job on your Voot Cruiser."</p>
<p>"Yes, yes, very nice, now into the ocean with you, where you can tell no one of these thiiiiings." Zim told Squidman.</p>
<p>Squidman cheered and waved his arms in the air, running into the water. "I'm coming home!" he said as romantic music played.</p>
<p>"G'bye! G'byyye! G'byee! G'bye, g'bye!" GIR cried out as the sun began to lower. "Bye-ooooh! He's gettin' eaten by a shark."</p>
<p>Zim "raised an eyebrow" in disgust as GIR smiled. "Ooh, now he's eatin' the shark with his tentacles!"</p>
<p>The music stopped. "He…didn't have tentacles." Zim said, looking at GIR.</p>
<p>"He does now!"</p>
<p>A HORRID roar filled the air and Zim's eyes went wide. He, White and GIR all clung together and screamed (though GIR did so happily) as a tentacle came down on them, COMPLETELY covering the camera lens…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib tapped the control console on the side of the containment tube in his dad's lab. "Don't worry Nick, I'll have you back to normal in no time!" He insisted, getting to work. Nick calmly sat in the tube, scratching his head as Dib entered in a command…</p>
<p>FA-WOOOSH! Brilliant white light surged through the tube, and when it was over…</p>
<p>"…oh. <em><strong>Oops</strong></em>." Dib said quietly.</p>
<p>"<strong>Mooooo</strong>." Nick mooed out, orange hair at the top of his now-bovine head.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Review! Or Nick will remain a cow...FOREVAAAAAAAR!</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Walk For Your Lives</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>You do the walk...yeah, the walk of life...you do the walk of liiife!</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>WALK FOR YOUR LIVES</strong>
</p><p>"Zim, can you PLEASE help me with this?" Nick asked as he handed Zim a packet of paper. "I would have asked Dib, but he turned me into a cow."</p><p>"So?" Zim asked, looking confused.</p><p>"…he milked me, Zim. HE <strong>MILKED</strong> ME." Nick remarked, eyes narrowing slightly, his grin fading for a moment.</p><p>"Oh. OH. Very well, I shall assist you." Zim agreed, nodding his head. "Ah, I recognize this. They gave me a test like this awhile back. When I tested out "megalomaniacal, not insane" they let me go free." Zim said. "You want ZIM to do it for you?"</p><p>"Yeah, I can't understand half of the legal mumbo jumbo on here, so…" Nick shrugged.</p><p>Zim held up a pen and nodded as he began to write in answers on the packet test for Nick as Nick stood by his side in the library. "Thanks." Nick said happily.</p><p>THE NEXT DAY…</p><p>Well…as it turns out…they had UPGRADED the test since Zim had been in the Crazy House.</p><p>"I'M <strong>EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED?!</strong>" Nick screamed as he was put in a straitjacket.</p><p>"We like to use the term "SPECIAL"." The man in the white coat told him, patting his head as they took him away in a padded truck.</p><p>Meanwhile, aboard the Massive, Red and Purple were watching a large display screen of the deep-throated Tallest Slacks, who was wearing a large pair of fake nostrils as his disguise. White looking at them, shaking his head.</p><p>THIS…was the "superior disguise technique" of Irken technology? He had thought only Zim was this pathetic, but…apparently a certain lack of common sense was common in ALL Irkens. Didn't they see how lame they looked?</p><p>Purple spoke up after sipping a soda. "Hey! Invader Slacks! It's Probing Day! Whaddya think of that, huh? Huh!?"</p><p>Indeed, the words "Probing Day" were being displayed on text scrollers around the Massive. It was a momentous occasion.</p><p>Red nodded. "You have blended in WELL with the large nostril people of Boodie-Nen, blah, blah, blah..." He went back to sipping his drink.</p><p>"Now if you'll just show us a little puppet show depicting how you plan to destroy the planet..."</p><p>Slacks blinked stupidly as he stood in his secret base. "…did you just say…<strong>Puppet shooow!?</strong>" He asked.</p><p>Red tossed the drink away, nodding and spreading his arms wide. "Everyone loves puppets! Except <strong>you</strong>, it seems. <strong>You fail inspection!</strong>"</p><p>Purple nodded. "You get a... <strong>pummeling</strong>! Hmm-hmm!"</p><p>Two mallets placed upon mechanical arms extended from Slacks' base and pounded him over and over, knocking him to the ground as the Tallest crossed their arms in a toast, with Red holding up a new drink.</p><p>"Happy Probing Day, Invader Slacks!"</p><p>Slacks rose back up, bruises all over his body but still saluting. "I shall-"</p><p>THWACK! Another mallet hit him. He groaned. "Try…harder sirs!"</p><p>THWACK! This time he fell back to the ground. Purple smiled broadly. "You know, ever since we became the Tallest I... I dunno. It's NEAT. And Probing Day just makes it even better!" Purple crushed his drink in his hand. "Oops." He remarked as it spilled on the ground. "Ah, well, I'll get somebody else to clean it up later!"</p><p>"ANOTHER boon!" Red remarked.</p><p>"I didn't know you liked puppet shows." White asked, coming out from behind them and making them scream.</p><p>"AAA! Who are you?!"</p><p>"Michael White."</p><p>"So how'd you…" Red just rolled his eyes as he settled down. "You know what? I don't wanna even know. What do you want-White. Wait a tick, your name is White?"</p><p>"Yeah, so? You're named after colors too." White remarked.</p><p>
  <strong>SFX: Cricket's Chirping</strong>
</p><p>"…it's not OUR fault the naming system is unimaginative!" Red remarked.</p><p>"Aw, cheer up! I'm going to show you my classic rendition of "Punch and Judy"." White said.</p><p>"Oh fer-" Red rolled his eyes as White took out a small puppet with rosy cheeks, a purple dress and stingy brown hair.</p><p>"Ooh, there's STARS on the dress." Purple said, pointing at the dress. "And it's in PURPLE!"</p><p>"I thought you'd like it!" White said. "Hello, I'm Judy, tee-hee!" White said, throwing his voice as best he could whilst Red put down the list he'd been looking at and sighed.</p><p>"Where's Punch?" He asked.</p><p>"Sorry, I missed that." "Judy" said, leaning in closer to Red. "My ears are REAAAALLY small."</p><p>"I said, "where's Punch"?" Red asked again, a bit irritated.</p><p>WONK! The little puppet whacked Red square in his "nose" area. "Judy" sniggered. "Hee-hee-hee! Sucker!"</p><p>FIVE…SECONDS…LATER…</p><p>"The PUPPET did it! Don't blame ME!" White laughed as he ran around and around the room with Red right behind him, eyes narrowed.</p><p>"I wanna show you MY puppet show! I call it "PUNCH AND <strong>STRANGLE</strong>"!" Red snarled.</p><p>"If you can't kill ZIM, what makes you think you can kill ME?" White laughed.</p><p>Red's face immediately fell. "Hey…you just reminded me…Zim's next on the list!" Purple got a look of horror on his face and he dropped HIS drink, turning to look at Red, who went on. "Should we even inspect him? I mean, he's not really an Invader and... we hate him!"</p><p>BEEP! Red gasped as Zim spoke up from the main view screen. "Greetings, my Tallest!"</p><p>Purple turned around, screaming. "AAA! Zim! We didn't call for you! You know, you're interrupting a very important-"</p><p>"Today's Probing Day, yes?" Zim asked eagerly. "Well, I'm ready for my inspection and I think you'll find that I am prepared!"</p><p>Purple frowned. "Uh, how about we just pummel you and call it done?" He asked, wringing his claws.</p><p>"But you must see this!" Zim proclaimed, pointing upward. The transmitter camera moved and now showed Dib was inside of a containment tube within a glowing green field. GIR was standing next to the tube, smiling.</p><p>The transmitter camera view moves revealing Dib floating in a containment tube covered in a time stasis field. GIR stands next to him.</p><p>"I have prepared a human experiment!"</p><p>Red sighed and picked up his snazzy metal clipboard. "Look Zim, we have some pummeling to do and eh... " He frowned ."…oh, hurry up, alright." He finally agreed, watching as GIR climbed up the containment tube and poked it.</p><p>"This bothersome <strong>dirt</strong> child was captured trying to infiltrate my base! I've suspended him in a variable time stasis field. I made it myself!" Zim grinned. "Does it not amaze you!?" He demanded to know.</p><p>Naturally Dib responded with pointing at Zim and accusing him. "You'll never get away with this, Zim! I'm going to-"</p><p>Zim smirked and adjusted a job on a remote control he had. "Expoooooseee yoooouuu…"</p><p>Now he turned it UP. "Forthehorriblealienmenaceyouare-"</p><p>Now he turned it back to normal. "And scoop your insides out!" Dib finished.</p><p>Zim started laughing evilly, throwing his head back. Red looked interested. "Could he ACTUALLY have come up with an intelligent plan?"</p><p>BREEEE! BREEE! "WARNING, CORE MASS REACHING CRITICAL!"</p><p>"…sunglasses?" White asked, holding up two pairs of sunglasses as he put his own pair on. The Tallest put their pairs on and watched as the containment unit began to sparkle with electrical energy and then EXPLODED in a bright flash of light which lingered for a few moments before at last smoke billowed out, obscuring their view. They tossed their sunglasses away and watched on as purple smoke covered the camera lens.</p><p>"Well you look real busy exploding, Zim." Purple remarked.</p><p>"WHAT a SHAME." Red sniggered. "Moving on now!"</p><p>Red motioned with his hand and the main viewscreen reverted back to Slacks, who had set up a puppet set complete with a big fake red wall, two dinosaur puppets and fake bushes. "Doo! Doo dee doo do doo do doo!"</p><p>Purple clapped whilst Red snacked on popcorn. "Yeah, YEAH! Two words: MORE PUPPETS! Yeaaah!"</p><p>"Puppets ROCK!" Red cried.</p><p>MEANWHILE…</p><p>Zim's lab was WRECKED. He climbed out of the smoking wreckage of his lab's computers and equipment looked at GIR, who was dancing like a Riverdancer by the wrecked containment unit.</p><p>"I'm shippin' off to Boston! Woah-oh-oh! I'm shippin' off! TO FIND MY MONKEY!" He sang.</p><p>Zim blinked. "Wow ! The Dib human! He seems to have been vaporized…" He rubbed his chin, then held his fists in the air. "Victory for Zim! Then he actually looked around at the wreckage of his base. "…wait... Look at this place! GAAAH!" He tugged on his antennae. "Fraggle-braggle!Probing Day is ruined! The Tallest said they would call back in an hour!"</p><p>GIR stopped dancing, blinking. "No they didn't!"</p><p>Zim suddenly got an idea. "Wait! If I can fix up the base before they call... GIR! Begin clean up and repairs now!"</p><p>"I don't wanna!" GIR protested. Then he jumped away.</p><p>"I'll give you taaaaacoooos." Zim crooned.</p><p>GIR then he jumped right back, with a shovel in hands. "Okay!" He said, saluting as he went into Duty Mode, then going off. Zim put his goggles on and held up a welding tool, preparing to get to work.</p><p>Dib, meanwhile, was NOT dead. He was glowing green, true, but he was also in slow motion, and GIR, who had started shoveling refuse and wreckage from the explosion, calmly shoveled him into the nearby garbage tube. Dib screamed all the way down as he was dumped into the living room of Zim's next door neighbors, who blinked as Dib slowly fell into her lap, thanks to the tube.</p><p>"Well lookit that! It's one of them big head boys!" She remarked.</p><p>"Myyyyyy heeeaaads noooot biiiiig!" Dib protested, waving his hands semi-wildly in the air.</p><p>Meanwhile, Zim was still moving stuff around. He had just cleared some rubble aside when he saw a small glowing green ball. Frowning, he picked it up to look it over…</p><p>And it began to sizzle in his gloved claws! He dropped it with a scream. "AAA! GIR, Remove... whatever that thing is!" He demanded.</p><p>GIR promptly hopped over and picked the ball up…</p><p>And his arm exploded. POW!</p><p>"Yaaaay! It burns!" He remarked, kicking it into the garbage tube. It was sucked up, but on it's way it hit the interior of the tube and fell BACKWARDS, burning through the tub and landing back inside the lab, leaving a mark on the floor. Zim frowned and placed his fists upon his hips.</p><p>"Quite playing around, GIR! I thought I told you to get rid of this!" He snapped. "Sigh…why is good help so hard to find?"</p><p>He calmly brought out a vacuum and sucked the ball up into the garbage tube of the vacuum. Unfortunately the bright ball burnt through this and landed right back on the ground, only know it was slightly LARGER. Zim looked a BIT worried. "Computer, analyze this thing!"</p><p>"THE "THING" IS RESULTING EXPLOSION FROM DESTRUCTION OF TIME STASIS FIELD!" The computer stated.</p><p>Zim frowned. "An explosion? Why is it not exploded then? Tell me NOW!"</p><p>BWOOP! A viewscreen extended from a slot in the wall. "EXPLOSION CO-BONDED WITH THE TIME STASIS FIELD." The computer said, showing off a wireframe model of a sphere that was slowly being filled with an explosion. "RESULT: EXPLOSION IS EXPLODING REALLY, <strong>REALLY</strong> SLOWLY. EXPLOSION CANNOT BE EXTINGUISHED. EXPLOSION MUST EXPAND TO ITS…COUGH-COUGH…INEVITABLE SIZE."</p><p>Zim looked the information over. "What <strong>is</strong> that size? And why is my computer coughing?"</p><p>"BECAUSE YOU MADE ME."</p><p>"…show me the size." Zim snapped.</p><p>The computer decided to answer that and showed on the viewscreen the small ball explosion in Zim's living room floor.</p><p>"Yes…"</p><p>Now it filled up the entire living room.</p><p>"YES!"</p><p>Then it filled up the entire house.</p><p>"No!"</p><p>Then it showed the house EXPLODIN'!</p><p>"NOOOO!" Zim cried in horror.</p><p>Then it showed the explosion engulfing an entire city and getting even BIGGER, it would engulf the WHOLE CITY!</p><p>"Okay, enough already! Solutions, give me solutions!" Zim nodded to himself, rubbing his gloved claws. <em>"Solutions, give me solutions!"</em></p><p>"EXPLOSION COULD BE DAMPENED, PERHAPS." The computer offered.</p><p>"The city cesspool! Of course! Of course!" Zim grinned to himself.</p><p>"We'll drown this thing in garbage and then get back here before the Tallest call back!"</p><p>"I DIDN'T... SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE CITY CESS POOL." Computer said.</p><p>Zim nodded, looking proud of himself. "Yes! <strong>Ingenious</strong>! Come, GIR!"</p><p>AND SO…</p><p>Zim got ahold of special Carbon-Alloy gloves that closely resembled the ones he had worn on Hobo 13…though these were brown in color. They were specially made for dealing with explosive materials. In this case, it was LITERALLY an explosion! Unfortunately by the time he'd gotten the gloves on, the explosion was now obscuring his view.</p><p>And so, GIR had to navigate for him through the lab's corridors so he could take it to the lab, take it outside and then to the cesspool.</p><p>"Okay, a little to the left."</p><p>"Got it, okay."</p><p>"Step forward."</p><p>"How am I doing?"</p><p>"Okay, look out for the monkey!"</p><p>"Okay, monkey, got it, okay."</p><p>"…Okay, look out for the other monkey. Okay?</p><p>"Okay, got it…oh no!"</p><p>CRASH!</p><p>"Oh no, oh no!" Zim yelled as the ball-explosion was knocked out of his hands and began bouncing around.</p><p>"Okay?"</p><p>CLOMP!</p><p>Zim grabbed it again.</p><p>"Okay…AAA!" He dropped it. "Look out!"</p><p>The explosion bounced down a hallway, Zim chasing after it. It bounced right into an open elevator and Zim ran inside, managing to catch it again. "We cannot fail, GIR!" Zim told GIR as the robot slid into the elevator, which began to go up. "Even as a small Irken Smeet, my dream was to pass Probing Day like a Slorbees passes her young: Jiggly…and full of juice! HAPPY juice!" Zim nodded. "I MUST succeed and bring HONOR to the name of ZIM or-"</p><p>DING!</p><p>"Oh, we're here!"</p><p>Zim grunted and pushed the explosion through the doorway as they reached the Voot Cruiser docking bay. "Honestly GIR, this is all YOUR fault! You're <strong>bad</strong>!"</p><p>GIR just stared. How was this HIS fault?</p><p>Zim looked at the cruiser, which sat on a raised platform in the center of the bay like it always did. "Sorry I'm so snappy. This is JUST another challenge now, GIR! Cross to the Voot Cruiser and work the tractor beam! I'll hold the explosion here until you grab it with the beam! Hurry!"</p><p>GIR's head popped open and he pulled out a grey puppy, waving it in Zim's face. ": Look what I found! He smells real bad!"</p><p>"GIR, STOP! NO! LEAVE!"</p><p>Zim unfortunately dropped the explosion and it fell down through the docking bay and began to bounce around, knocking things out of place, making Zim moan as everything began to smoke and spew steam and then-</p><p>KABLOOOOEEEEY!</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…the explosion had burnt it's way through the wall of the house and was now outside. Zim opened up the front door, sighing. "Okay, PLAB B!" He announced. "In fact, I should always just stick to Plan B for explosion-y things!"</p><p>He walked outside, now dressed up in an afro and wearing a LARGE, SUPER-FAT floral dress, holding onto a disguised GIR by a leash. The entire body was hollow so as to cover the explosion and Zim was standing atop a hover platform IN the dress to be the woman's "head. Having put on "Coral Dye number three" lipstick for the finishing touch, Zim hovered above the explosion then lifted down to "pick it up". Zim gulped as he saw the explosion get BIGGER…</p><p>"We have to hurry, GIR! It's growing faster!" He told GIR, heading out through the front yard, knocking the fence down.</p><p>Next door, Dib was running frantically out of the next-door-neighbor's house, heading for town.</p><p>"Muuuust fiiiind heeeep!" He proclaimed.</p><p>"Hmm. lookit him run all slow-like!" The next-door-neighbor of Zim said.</p><p>Meanwhile, in the city, Zim was easily able to get people to move out of his way because he was ridiculously fat. "Quickly, GIR! We haven't much time!" He told GIR, who squeaked. "We haven't much time-ahhhh…" He gasped at the sight of the city cesspool, which was just ahead, it's sign glimmering in the light, the "smell of progress" filling his lack of nostrils. "Look! The city cess pool! Smells like huuuuman!" He cringed.</p><p>Meanwhile, Dib was at a different part of the city and STILL in slow motion. He saw a cop was leaning up against the wall across the street, but EVERYTHING to him was moving fast. A pigeon flying around. A woman meeting a guy right across the street. Luckily the cop was just lounging around…he MIGHT have a chance! Standing at the crosswalk, he waited for the light to turn and say "Walk".</p><p>PING! It did! He took a step forward as the others crossed…</p><p>Unfortunately, the others got across before he even took one step, and a moment later, the walk light turned to "Don't Walk" as cars headed right towards him!</p><p>But luckily for Dib, he was NOT going to die in a horrible automobile accident, because if he WAS, then we wouldn't have much of a story now would we? Instead, Principal Prickley, who had been driving his car at the front of all the others, gasped in horror at the sight of slow-moving Dib and slammed on the brakes…</p><p>BANG-BOOM-BA-WHOOOMP! Car after car crashed into each other, creating an ENORMOUS pile-up as people groaned and moaned and Dib kept walking forward, the cop still looking up and to the side, entranced at the sight of a woman taking a VERY long shower in an apartment building across the way…the window open and making him able to see EVERYTHING.</p><p>Unfortunately this also screwed things up for Dib. For you see, one man at the back had stopped his car in time to avoid the pile-up, and thus Mr. Hummel breathed a sigh of relief…until the purple and white "Morbidly Obese Baby Dolls" truck crashed right into him and knocked HIM into the pile-up too. The huge baby doll statue at the top went flying over the pile-up, bounced off a building and then rolled down the street as Dib kept walking on…</p><p>How did this affect him? Well you see, that baby rolled clear into the park where "Death Bee" was calmly pollinating a flower. The bee saw the baby and flew off as it rolled along the parkway…</p><p>WHACKING a woman who was pushing her grandpa through the air. Unfortunately for the old man in the wheelchair she'd been pushing, poor Grandpa was on a HILL now, and he went rolling down the hill, screaming as he plummeted off a nearby cliff…</p><p>But don't worry folks! There's a happy ending! He landed on top of Hugh Monstro, who only had his spine broken and a large steak pop out of the jacket-full-of-meat he'd been carrying. The Spooky Chihuahua grabbed the steak and dragged it away as Hugh frowned. "Hey! Come-a back-a with-a my meat!" He snapped, swinging a sausage link angrily.</p><p>Meanwhile, Zim was approaching the city cesspool as an elephant floundered around in it, desperately holding onto the trash.</p><p>…yes, an elephant. Don't worry folks…elephants come and elephants go.</p><p>But you're wondering what the Chihuahua had to do with Dib? Well it had actually dragged it's steak meal to the front of the cesspool and Zim gasped at the sight. "Dog with meat! Dog with meat!" He cried, swinging out of the way…and unfortunately this made the explosion bounce out. It bounced off Zim's afro, turning it into a upside-down crescent-shaped hairstyle and Zim groaned. "Ohhhhh!"</p><p>And thus the explosion bounced clear to the center of a nearby intersection, where a cop was arresting Iggins, stuffing him to the hood of the police car. "I'll show you not to stand around and do nothin'!" He said, putting handcuffs on him.</p><p>"You can't arrest me for THAT." Iggins remarked.</p><p>"…fine. I'm arrestin' you for <strong>loiterin'</strong>!" The cop snapped.</p><p>Then the cop noticed the explosion that was right behind him and he gasped, letting go of Iggins, who took the opportunity to soar away. "Run for your lives!" he screamed, shielding his head.</p><p>The explosion got a LITTLE bigger.</p><p>"…oh." He remarked. "Hmm… whaddya make a that?"</p><p>And so, people in the street began to run away in panic.</p><p>"RUN, MARY! RUN!"</p><p>Then they actually saw how fast the explosion was going.</p><p>"…on second thought, uh... walking's fine, honey."</p><p>A policeman wearing a megaphone helmet addressed the populace who was now walking out of the city. "Evacuate the city! Um..." He turned his head to look at the explosion, then blasted the next message into poor Principal Prickley's ears. "No hurry, though. Just... you know, whenever."</p><p>DL, meanwhile, had heard Gaz leading a VERY large group of people to the hills far out of town. "Wow, you're being nice and leadin' these people to safety?" He asked, carrying Blobby in his arms.</p><p>"You kidding? I'm selling seats to the biggest show these idiots have ever seen in their entire life. When that thing blows, they're gonna want a front row seat." She jabbed her thumb at the hill, which had a sign on the front that said "Reserved for A-List", another hill that was further away that said "B-List", and so on and so on. "Sunglasses are an extra twenty bucks."</p><p>"…Can you at least make SNACKS free?" DL asked gently.</p><p>"That's MY turf. Want some meat?" Nny said, holding up a large sack of meat.</p><p>"You sure it's…fresh?" DL asked.</p><p>"Yep! Ran it over just this morning!"</p><p>Meanwhile, Zim had abandoned the old lady costume, save for the make-up and afro and he stood before his house, growling angrily. "The Tallest are gonna call soon!"GIR had fallen into a crater that had been made by the explosion and just stood there, blinking as Zim went on. "I just know it! But my base... so messy... and explosion so CLOSE! This is just horrible!"</p><p>"I know what you meeaaan…" GIR said.</p><p>Zim then blinked. "That's it…TIME!" He realized.</p><p>"What you saaaay?" GIR asked.</p><p>"The Tallest will be calling any time now, TIME is what I need to use! If I can bring the time field around the explosion back up to regular speed, it'll fix everything!" He said.</p><p>"No it won't!" GIR spoke up.</p><p>"The explosion will blow up like normal and be gone forever!" Zim went on, nodding.</p><p>"But won't it just explode? Just like this- KABLAM!" GIR asked, making "explody" motions with his arms.</p><p>"<strong>Do not interrupt my being ingenious! </strong>But I'll need another fragment of the time field as a trigger. The Dib monkey was in the field... "</p><p>Zim opened the front door a little.</p><p>" Too bad he was destroyed though."</p><p>"But no! No he wasn't!" GIR spoke up. And THIS time Zim listened.</p><p>"He wasn't!? Good! Let's get him and shoot him right into the explosion!"</p><p>"But won't the s'ploding hurt him?"</p><p>"Why can't you care about something else, like the color of the explosion?" Zim asked. "Which I KNEW I should have made RED but NO,I had to go GREEN for the ENVIRONMENT…anyhow, I don't care if the explosion hurts Dib!"</p><p>"I mean won't the 'splodin' hurt US 'n stuff." GIR remarked.</p><p><strong>"DO NOT QUESTION ZIM!" </strong>Zim yelled down into the crater.</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>… a great deal of people had gotten out of the city. Dib, meanwhile, was almost to the cop, and was looking quite happy. "Almoooost toooo poliiiice! Almooost…toooo…"</p><p>Then ZIM appeared. "Ohhhh fuuuuu-"</p><p>ABOUT TEN MINUTES LATER…</p><p>GIR had extended an ENORMOUS mechanical sling-shot from his head, with a large metal sphere clamped around Dib's huge-</p><p>"MYYYY HEEAAAD'S NOOOT BIIIIG!"</p><p>Moving along, Zim was now holding onto the time stasis remote he'd had before and he looked at Dib, who frowned at him. "Ziim!"</p><p>Zim adjusted the knob on the remote, standing in front of Dib and slowing Dib down FURTHER.</p><p>"Yoooou're juuuuuuust gonna blooooooow uuuuuussss allllll uuuuuup? This is stuuuuupid! This is stuuuupppiiid-stuuuuuupppid!" He said, knocking his fists against the metal sphere on his head.</p><p>"Well serves you right for sneaking into my base." Zim snapped. "And with THIS, I've accelerated your time field to cancel out the field around the explosion. Computer! What's the angle of trajectory?"</p><p>"36 mark 2. But seriously, Zim. If you just speed up the explosion-"</p><p>Zim hissed at the ceiling's intercom. "I don't pay you to contradict me!"</p><p>"You don't pay me at all."</p><p>"But if the big s'plodey goes fast, won't it get all <strong>bad</strong>?" GIR cried. Zim decided to cheer him up by giving him a lollipop, which GIR popped into his mouth happily. Zim then lifted the remote up, pressing a button as a holographic control panel appeared in the large open space that was before Zim, a targeting system displayed on the front. A green beam lined up with Dib's forehead as it aimed to shot him through the hole in the wall they were all standing in front of and Zim hid behind some rubble after looking Dib over once more.</p><p>BEEP! He pressed another button and the hooked wire that had been holding back the slingshot pulled back even farther, then let go, sending Dib flying through the air. He screamed as he was knocked back and forth, bouncing off several houses as Zim poked his head up and yelled "I AM ZIIIIM!" for good measure after him, just so he wouldn't forget the name of the one who'd finally killed him dead!</p><p>Blobby, DL, Gaz and about 10 million people put on their sunglasses as they watched Dib sail into the explosion…</p><p>Nny stepped forward about fifty feet and held up a cigarette, accurately predicting the exact point where the explosion's burning blast would end. He calmly waited for it to light up…</p><p>IMMEDIATELY everything sped up and the explosion raced towards Zim's base as his eyes widened with horror, and his last coherent thought before pain hit him was a swear he never completed, much like Dib had never completed his…oh fu-</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…</p><p>…Larb was getting pummeled, sliding off of the "Universe's Most Comfortable Couch" because he had not done a very good puppet show. "Thank you, Invader Larb. Happy Probing Day!" Red laughed.</p><p>"Well, was that everyone? I hope that was everyone! Let's go, I'm hungry!" Purple remarked.</p><p>Red looked at his snazzy metal clipboard. "Well there IS Zim but I think he stopped being ALIVE! Oh well, let's see!"</p><p>The main view screen now showed Zim bouncing around in an ENORMOUS explosion, screaming madly…and with that, the cameras were destroyed as Purple nodded. "Hmm…okaaaay…"</p><p>"WOW." Red remarked. "What was THAT?"</p><p>WHAT IT WAS:</p><p>Nny took a drag of his smoke as Blobby let out a "WOAH" and blinked a few times, turning to look at everyone else, who was clapping and cheering at the sight. DL didn't quite understand why they sounded so HAPPY, their city was wrecked!</p><p>Including Zim's base. It was totally RUINED. The walls and furniture were burnt away, the roof had been blasted to pieces along with most of the floor, the TV was in shambles and Zim, his antennae bent, bruises all over his body and a heavy headache pounding in his skull banged on the TV in desperation.</p><p>"Hello! Hello!? I am here, my Tallest!" Zim begged.</p><p>No reply. "My Tallest!? Noooo!" Zim sobbed, falling to his knees. He'd failed Probing Day. Probing day…his BEAUTIFUL day…</p><p>WUINED.</p><p>Then he sat up, hearing somebody approach, and saw a VERY battered Dib, who was back to normal speed, approach him. He held up an accusatory finger and frowned angrily at Zim.</p><p>"You <em>jerk</em>!" He got out before collapsing on his face.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. LICE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div><p>
        <em>I'm on a mission, To abuse my position, I'm a cynical b-h, gonna scratch that itch...</em>
      </p>
<p>
        <strong>LICE</strong>
      </p>
<p>"I wanna apologize." White said as he stood in the Massive, facing down Red and Purple. "To make it up to you…" He held up a big puppet set. "I'm gonna do a real puppet show! It's called "The Murder of Gonzago"!"</p>
<p>"Ooh." Red's eyes went wide. "Well, go ahead, get it started!"</p>
<p>Whiteput up the puppet stand and a drape to contrast the puppets against, then held up a female puppet and a male puppet.</p>
<p>"Mah-nah-mah-nah." The male sang.</p>
<p>"Doo-doo-da-doo-doo!" The female sang.</p>
<p>"Mah-nah-mah-nah."</p>
<p>"Doo-doo-da-doo!"</p>
<p>"Mah-nah-mah-nah-WOAH!" The male looked over at the female. "Heh-heh.."</p>
<p>The female looked at the male puppet. "Ooh, hee-hee…"</p>
<p>"Mah-nuh-ma-noo…" The two got closer…</p>
<p>"Ma-nah…" Closer…</p>
<p>"Mah-noo…" Closelier!</p>
<p>SMOOCH!</p>
<p>"Hubba-hubba!" The female said. The two then began kissing heavily, severely sucking puppet face for a good five seconds before at last separating, panting.</p>
<p>"Hah-hah…hah…"</p>
<p>Then…</p>
<p>"WOO! WOOO! OH DADDY NOT SO HAAAA-!"</p>
<p>Skoodge, who had felt it was getting too much for the younger audience of 10 (har-har) immediately jumped up in front of this and waved his hands in the air wildly. <strong>"INTERMISSION, INTERMISSION!"</strong> He screamed.</p>
<p>Purple gaped. Red sniggered. "Methinks the lady doth protest too much!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…although Nick had been able to convince the people at the Crazy House that he wasn't CRAZY, he COULDN'T get out of going to school. So he was now enrolled in Dib's class due to his age. He sat at the back, always drawing pictures in the sides of his notes and picking his nose when he got nervous, or jittering his leg when Ms. Bitters glared at him.</p>
<p>Which happened a lot. She didn't like him. At all.</p>
<p>Today he was listening to Dib give a presentation on Galileo. Or rather, a RANTING disguised as a presentation, which was really Dib's way of screaming to the world "LISTEN TO ME DARN YOU".</p>
<p>"But nobody believed Galileo! They even put him in jail! Now if all these people who just called him crazy were brought back and shown just how wrong they really were, they'd be sorry!" Dib yelled, eyes glittering. "Oh, they'd be sor-"</p>
<p>"Time's up, Dib." Ms. Bitters snapped. "Any questions?" She asked the question.</p>
<p>Zita raised her arm. "Yes, Zita?"</p>
<p>"You're CRAZY."</p>
<p>"Excellent, Zita! You get an A!"</p>
<p>Zita stuck her tongue out at Dib triumphantly, who frowned as Zim grinned at this. "But that wasn't a question." Dib protested.</p>
<p>"Uh, Ms. Bitters doesn't care, her sole purpose is to get you down?" Nick asked.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters nodded. "VERY good, Nick! You get an A PLUS!"</p>
<p>Nick grinned and jumped on his desk. "Hubba-hubba YES! Hubba-hubba YES! Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba YES YES YES!" Nick cheered, dancing around and actually dancing out of the classroom, doing the "Disco-Point".</p>
<p>"…and you wonder why I'm stingy with good grades." Ms. Bitters snapped.</p>
<p>Dib sighed, walking back to his desk as he glared at Zim. It was then that Melvin entered the classroom, going to his desk and scratching his head.</p>
<p>"Sorry I'm late everyone! My head's itchy!" He told them.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters GASPED as she realized why it was itchy. "LIIIIIICE!" She screamed as the horrid grey bugs swooped up in an enormous wave.</p>
<p>THA-WHOOOM! They came down on all the kids and everyone began screaming and yelling, scratching at their heads. Carl actually scratched right through his beanie, showing off his SKULL. Zim, on the other hand, was relieved to see he had no lice…it probably helped that his hair was fake. Kids across the classroom banged or rubbed their heads to rid themselves of the lice whilst Zim calmly watched as they piled out into the hallways.</p>
<p>In a matter of minutes, EVERYONE in the school had lice. Mathew P. Mathers III ran straight into a wall in terror, even GAZ had lice, though she just kept playing her GS2, ignoring the lice.</p>
<p>"ITCHING! IN MY BRAAAIN!" BG shouted, scratching at his head.</p>
<p>"Pshhh, <em><strong>whiner</strong></em>!" Gaz snapped. She snapped her fingers and BG went flying away.</p>
<p>"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" DL yelled, bouncing around on the ground, scratching all over his body.</p>
<p>Nny frowned as he exited his janitor's closet. "I KNEW it was going to come to this…" He mumbled. "We'll have to eat each other to survive!"</p>
<p>"No we won't." Torque grumbled.</p>
<p>"Shut up! I'm eating YOU first!" Nny snapped. "All that juicy arm muscle…" He remarked, licking his lips.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Ms. Bitters had made "THE CALL". An old woman who had an outfit that was a blend of light armor and scientist's garb watched monitors that showed off random views of the school…specifically THEIR school. She sat in her chair, frowning as the words "RED ALERT" appeared on the monitors and stood up, pointing to the side of the large Batcave-esque cavern that was her HQ…</p>
<p>In few minutes, this woman, Countess von Verminstrasser and her assistants had teleported straight into the classroom of Ms. Bitters, where all the children had been forced to sit back in their seats. She adjusted her goggles and looked them all over as one of her burly, black-outfitted assistants scanned the room with a large, ring-shaped device that glowed red.</p>
<p>"It's a Level 1 infestation, ma'am." He finally told her.</p>
<p>"A level ONE." The goggled old woman nodded at this, then addressed the classroom. "I am Countess Von Verminstrasser, the delouser! For your own good, you will cooperate! You have lice, and until your condition changes, you will all be detained here indefinitely!" She said, nodding her head, which had a helmet that looked like a red, transparent bike helmet.</p>
<p>Dib frowned. "You can't REALLY make us stay here."</p>
<p>"You dare question me? Question my methods? You, who stands to benefit the most from my work?" She demanded to know, pointing at him. "You disgust me!"</p>
<p>"What a nice lady." Ms. Bitters remarked.</p>
<p>Dib raised an eyebrow. "All I said was-"</p>
<p>"SILENCE!" The Countess snapped. "Let the delousing begin!" She announced. FWOMP! A large red and purple quarantine sheet was draped over the school as the Countess went on. "Any attempts to escape will be severely frowned upon, so don't try!"</p>
<p>Two of the kids looked at each other, then ran clear out the door and down the hallway to the exit. THWOOMP! The moment their hands reached the large quarantine sheet they went sailing back, an electric shock sending them flying.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…And so, all of the school's children were gathered in the auditorium, whilst the Countess and her assistants stood on the stage, with Ms. Bitters, Mr. White and Zim sitting in chairs on the stage.</p>
<p>"You have been separated according to the severity of your cases. The worst over here!" The Countess said, pointing at an area of the auditorium which housed children such as Gaz, Dib, Melvin, Carl and Chunk. Poor Nick was among them, scratching like mad.</p>
<p>"The Itchening! The ITCHENING!" He gasped out.</p>
<p>"These three have no lice on them at all!" The Countess said, pointing at Zim, White and Ms. Bitters.</p>
<p>Zim naturally took the opportunity to gloat and calmly approached the podium. "I'd just like to say that if I were a member of an alien race- Which I'm not!" shook his body back and forth in agreement of his point. "Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh!" He then smiled in a humble fashion and spoke quietly. "I'd have to take this opportunity to say…"</p>
<p>He then jumped atop the podium on the stage and cackled. "Filthy Earth creatures! It is clear who the superior species is! Isn't it!? Isn't it!? You stink!" He growled, clawing at the air.</p>
<p>THWOCK! A paper wad hit his head, courtesy of Dib, making him shut up. Zim frowned angrily at Dib and tried to go on. "LOUSY HUMANS! Get it? HA! <strong>Lousy</strong> humans! Oh, I crack myself-"</p>
<p><em>"…bzzz…bzzz-bzzz-bzzzz…" </em>White buzzed, a big grin plastered on his face. Zim shrieked and hid behind the chair he'd been sitting in before, eyes wide with fear.</p>
<p>The Countess went on. "These CLEAN ones will be taken to a special area for immunity research."</p>
<p>Dib folded his arms across his chest. "This is insane! Isn't this a bit much for just an outbreak of lice?"</p>
<p>Melvin shrugged. "Whiner." Gaz said.</p>
<p>"THE ITCHENING!" Nick screamed. "HOLY HECK IT HUUUURTS!"</p>
<p>"The rest of you will see my assistants for your assignments." The Countess went on, ignoring Dib.</p>
<p>And so, Dib and Melvin were handcuffed to each other as they walked down the hallways, heading to their assigned rooms. Dib saw through the door windows that various students were having their heads TOTALLY shaved, others were being dunked into a vat of delousing fluid…</p>
<p>"ITCHENING!" Nick yelled as he ran around one room, screaming as he scratched his head. "FRAAAAACCCKKKK IIIIIIIT!"</p>
<p>"Why don't you just use your powers?" Gaz asked him.</p>
<p>"IIIITCCCHIIIING!" Nick yelled, running up the walls, across the ceiling, back down the walls and then across the floor. He repeated this over and over as Gaz and the assistants watched, with Gaz sniggering at this sight.</p>
<p>Other students were actually having monkeys…SCARY MONKEYS…pick the lice off their heads! Dib felt this was too much. As he and Melvin were tossed inside of their assigned room, complete with a device with mechanical arms, two empty chairs, and a vat of delousing fluid, Dib turned to Melvin. "We've gotta get OUT of here!" He told him.</p>
<p>He immediately ran to the window and tried to yank it open…</p>
<p>But the Countess entered the room. "Take your seats, you LOUSY children!" She grinned. "Nothing like a bit of lice humor."</p>
<p>Dib and Melvin blinked.</p>
<p>"No? Not doing it for you?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"You won't get away with this!" Dib shouted, pointing with his "Finger of Truth".</p>
<p>"Get away with it? When I'm finished here I'll be looked upon as a hero!" The Countess said, shaking her fist. "You simply do not comprehend my work here, boy, and I do not have time to explain!" She pointed at the seats. "Take your seats <strong>now</strong>!" She demanded.</p>
<p>Melvin squeaked nervously and ran to his seat, dragging Dib along. Unfortunately, he was immediately "tasered" by the countess with a brush-like delousing device. The Countess then turned to Dib. "Your turn!"</p>
<p>Then one of the assistants appeared in the doorway. "Countess, you are required in B-Wing. One of the kids keeps scratching his head and shouting TV slogans like "I'm Cuckoo For Cocoa Puffs"."</p>
<p>The Countess sighed. "So much to DO! I'll be back!" She said cheerfully, running out the door and dropping the delousing taser to the ground. Dib immediately kicked the taser device and it spun across the floor, lodging in between the door and the wall, stopping the door from closing completely.</p>
<p>Dib turned to Melvin. "Melvin! It's obvious this "delouse" has become mad with power!"</p>
<p>"You mean…" Melvin's eyes became demonic as they twitched. "SHE CRAAAAZY!?"</p>
<p>"…how'd you do that?" Dib asked as Melvin returned to normal.</p>
<p>"Do what?" Melvin asked him calmly.</p>
<p>"…never mind. And YES. She's crazy! We've gotta tell the world what's happening! The school, no, the WORLD depends on us!" Dib said, taking up a dramatic pose before he dragged Melvin out the door. Soon he and Dib were rushing through the hallway, running past hastily-planted mines and making their way to…</p>
<p>"Immunity Research…ZIM!" Dib realized, peeking through the window of the door, seeing White, Ms. Bitters and Zim in their seats. One of the Countess's assistants were approaching them with what looked like some kind of electric cheese grater device.</p>
<p>"We'll need skin samples to find out what makes you immune to the infestation."</p>
<p>Zim IMMEDIATELY realized this would be bad for him. THEY WERE GONNA TAKE SKIN OFF! He panicked and began to beg. "I'M no different from the other humans! I'm loaded with lice! They're simply... heh... in my belly!" He insisited, squeaking his belly. "You should put me in with your normal filthy Earth child group!"</p>
<p>The assistant instead decided to approach Ms. Bitters…but she just stood up and hissed. <strong>"Take it from the child!"</strong></p>
<p>Naturally this meant that Zim would be the one. He gulped…</p>
<p>FWOOOOOSH!</p>
<p>"My skin! My superior skin!"</p>
<p>"PFFT. <strong>Whiner</strong>." Gaz remarked, hearing him from the next room over, still playing her GS2, only now she had tubes stuck inside her head.</p>
<p>Dib grinned. "Uh, that was kinda <strong>neat</strong>, but-"</p>
<p>Then he heard the countess's voice, and he quickly dragged Melvin over to a nearby door that was partially ajar, which contained Gretchen, an assistant and the Countess.</p>
<p>"Forgive me Countess, but 15 of the test subjects have... disappeared." The assistant admitted.</p>
<p>"Um…heeey?" Gretchen asked, scratching at her head.</p>
<p>"Escaped?" The countess asked, raising her eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Uh, no, they never would've made it past the mine field. They're, they're just gone!" The assistant whispered with fear.</p>
<p>"Heeey! Excuse me!" Gretchen called out again.</p>
<p>"Leave us! Up the security! The final battle is upon us!" The countess told the assistant, who saluted and pressed his fist to his lice-shaped insignia, beaming away.</p>
<p>"What are you talking about?" Gretchen asked. "What final battle?"</p>
<p>"An infestation of this size provides me with research opportunities I could only dream of before!" The Countess told Gretchen. "Some will suffer, yes..." She admitted sadly, patting Gretchen on the head. "But for the greater good!"</p>
<p>"Why am I here?" Gretchen asked.</p>
<p>The Countess kept ranting. "But these disappearances... This is something more! Perhaps the proof I've been searching for!"</p>
<p>"Why are you telling ME this?" Gretchen asked.</p>
<p>"This is proof of a mastermind Queen Louse, the source of all lice! And I will stop it!"</p>
<p>"Can I GO now?" Gretchen pleaded.</p>
<p>Dib backed away from the door as Melvin's teeth chattered. "A lice queen? This "Lice Nazi" is crazier than I thought!" Dib gasped. "We have to stop her! Keep quiet Melvin and we'll-"</p>
<p>He didn't get to finish. Poor Melvin lost it on the spot.</p>
<p>"Nooo! Noo! Lice Queen!" He sobbed.</p>
<p>"…that wasn't <strong>quiet</strong>." Dib sighed, hanging his head.</p>
<p>An assistant immediately heard them and approached the two, pointing. "What are you doing out here!?"</p>
<p>Dib frowned. "What…" Then HE pointed with the mighty FINGER OF TRUTH!</p>
<p>
        <strong>SFX: Trumpet blare</strong>
      </p>
<p>"Are YOU doing out here!?"</p>
<p>The assistant grabbed his head. "Using…MIND TRICKS! AAAA!"</p>
<p>"Quick, while he's distracted!" Dib yelled. He and Melvin ran for it, with the assistant chasing after them. The Countess popped out of the classroom, holding Gretchen by her wrist as another assistant popped out of the classroom HE was in.</p>
<p>"Continue your studies! <strong>We'll</strong> handle this!" She told him resolutely as Zim lay on the floor of the Immunity Research room, skin peeled off from his face as he groaned.</p>
<p>Dib and Melvin meanwhile had run inside a room that had HUNDREDS of students hooked up to machines where mechanical arms were zapping their heads. Dib panted as he looked behind them, seeing the door was closed.</p>
<p>"I think we lost her…" He told Melvin.</p>
<p>"AAA!" Melvin screamed, making Dib turn…to see the Countess was right there in front of them!</p>
<p>"I knew you'd be trouble!" The Countess snapped.</p>
<p>"I really don't wanna be here!" Gretchen complained as the Countess swung another taser at Dib, who ducked as it seared Melvin's head. Dib and Melvin then backed up towards the students who were hooked to the machines and Dib growled angrily.</p>
<p>"This has to stop!" He demanded.</p>
<p>"You don't get it, child! No one gets it! But I will show you! <strong>All of you!</strong>" The Countess told Dib furiously, poinitng at him.</p>
<p>"Don't GET it? They're just lice! Look, they don't hurt anybody!" Dib insisted.</p>
<p>BITE!</p>
<p>"Okay, maybe they hurt a LITTLE…" Dib groaned, scratching his head.</p>
<p>"You can't see the full extent of the problem! It's much bigger than you know!" The Countess told him condescendingly.</p>
<p>Dib groaned. "Oh, not the lice queen thing!"</p>
<p>"She mostly comes out at night. <strong>MOSTLY</strong>." The Countess remarked.</p>
<p>"This place smells. Can I have a soda?" Gretchen asked.</p>
<p>"You just need to open your mind!" She said, pointing at her head.</p>
<p>"You're insane!" Dib yelled, making the motion for "Crazy". "There's no lice quee-"</p>
<p>KRA-CRACK! The ground beneath them began to shake and suddenly everyone in the room fell into a HUGE dark purple and black cavern below. Luckily Melvin and Dib got free of the handcuffs as a result, and they groaned as they looked around the dark and damp cavern…</p>
<p>And Dib rubbed his head, groaning. "What…what IS this? What's going on!?" He gasped.</p>
<p>He saw it. Saw HER. The Lice Queen…an ENORMOUS, bulging grey monstrosity with an overly bloated abdomen colored like flesh, a blobbish mass that was made for birthing eggs. It opened it's mandibles and roared angrily as it saw the intruders in it's cave and the Countess grinned wildly. "The Queen! We found the nest! I knew it! I was right!"</p>
<p>"She…was…right…" Dib gasped, looking around at the various children in the cavern who were cocooned in purple, white-spotted cocoons. He watched the Lice Queen place a large tube atop of Mathew P. Mathers III's head, then pulled it off of him, showing that he had even MORE lice on his head now.</p>
<p>"Look, it's filling these kid's heads with lice, just like Melvin…" The countess spoke, pointing at Melvin. "So they could spread them to the outside world!" Melvin screamed, eyes wide with horror as the Countess went on. "All those years, searching, waiting! They laughed at me, told me I was losing my grip on reality! But there it is, proof of everything I've known to be true!"</p>
<p>"She does this, she just keeps TALKING!" Gretchen remarked.</p>
<p>"Back in the second grade, I had been chased by an angry mob of kids and ended up flat on my back, desperately trying to kick them away. Compared to that, enduring being stuck in a cocoon is a moment of pride and JOY for me!" Nick told Dib, stuck in a cocoon against the wall.</p>
<p>"You sound awfully happy for somebody who said something so depressing."</p>
<p>"The delousing soup has sunk into my BRAIN." Nick admitted cheerfully.</p>
<p>THOOOORM! The Lice Queen pulled itself up by it's clawed legs and growled as it held itself up, growling evilly.</p>
<p>"Hey, that thing you were right about... It's about to eat us!" Dib remarked as it jumped at them. The Lice Queen smashed a claw down on the ground, sending everyone flying through the air. It advanced on Melvin, who managed dive out of the way, screaming. The Lice Queen growled again and swung AGAIN and AGAIN, but Melvin was VERY quick, and he kept dodging them all. So instead the Lice Queen slammed the ground again, sending the Countess flying through the air, then almost whacking Dib.</p>
<p>Then she saw GRETCHEN. Gretchen nervously backed away, then ran for her life as the Lice Queen chased after her. She tugged at her hair, screaming as it chased her all around the cavern.</p>
<p>"Boss!" The Countess looked up at the gap in the ceiling as one of her assistants held up Zim. "This green child, he is the answer! His skin! His skin destroys the lice! Here!" He held up a large, bazooka-like weapon and he nodded. "Use this against them!"</p>
<p>He tossed the Lice Bazooka down to the Countess along with Zim, and Zim rudely hit the dirt as the Lice Queen swung her claw at Gretchen's buck teeth…</p>
<p>BANG! They bounced off. The Lice Queen gaped at this, then swung again.</p>
<p>BANGA-BANG! Nothing. She kept pounding away but to no avail as Gretchen just shrugged and stood there and Dib just GAPED at the whole scene. Meanwhile, Zim had been placed inside the "ammo slot" of the bazooka and the Countess aimed it straight at the Lice Queen, who turned her head to look at the Countess…</p>
<p>Zim began to spin around rapidly. "AAAA! THE BLENDERIZING!" He screamed as the Lice Queen ran towards him and the Countess, screeching.</p>
<p>"Close your eyes, baby!" The Countess laughed.</p>
<p>THA-WHOOOOSH! A glowing green blast of liquefied Zim skin was shot right at the Lice Queen, who screamed horribly and fell to the ground, skin melting off it's body. The Countess than ran to the nest area, spraying all of the cocooned students, who were soon freed.</p>
<p>Dib gasped in amazement as the Countess turned to him. "You were right all along! I was wrong about you!" He shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, I guess..."</p>
<p>"Well you SHOULD be." She said, spraying Dib and ridding him of his lice. "But thanks to the bravery of this child…" She held up Zim, who's lower half had been SEVERELY drained. It looked all prune-like, and his feet had been dissolved away as a result of the blenderizing. He groaned in pain. "The world will never have to deal with the threat of lice ever again!"</p>
<p>"The PAAAAIN!" Zim screamed. "The <em>pain</em>."</p>
<p>"<strong>WHINER</strong>!" Gaz shouted from up above.</p>
<p>"Future generations will sing songs about him, and his brave sacrifice for the fight against head lice! Good work, child!" The Countess told Zim.</p>
<p>"…he's an <strong>alien</strong> you know." Dib remarked.</p>
<p>"My work here is done! It'll be off to the lab with you!" The Countess said.</p>
<p>"NOOOOOO!" Zim cried out as the assistants lowered large ladders down into the cavern pit, with the Countess holding him high in the air. Dib blinked, then shrugged at this.</p>
<p>"I…GUESS…this is a victory for me." He admitted. "I'll take what I can get." He decided.</p>
<p>"You do realize that she's just like YOU, don't you?" Nick asked him as he walked alongside Dib.</p>
<p>"How?"</p>
<p>"Zim IS the Lice Queen…sort of. And you're the Countess! People laughed at her and called her insane and stuff, but in the end, everyone's able to see that she was telling the truth." Nick told him.</p>
<p>"So I'm going to succeed." Dib realized, a smile spreading on his features.</p>
<p>"EVENTUALLY." Nick said, shrugging. "White will keep an eye out for Zim while he's getting tested at the Countess's lab-wait, I get the feeling we've <strong>forgotten</strong> something…" Nick realized.</p>
<p>In fact…they had. Back at the Immunity Research Room, White calmly lit a cigarette as he let a long breath out as Ms. Bitters sat calmly in her chair…</p>
<p>And then he noticed her scratch her head.</p>
<p>"Aw, HELL no…" White groaned.</p>
<p>
        <strong>Review! And now for "Ask an Irken", with Red!</strong>
      </p>
<p>
        <strong>Red: Hello humans! The question I'm going to answer is "Will any ROMANCE appear in this story"? And that's a toughie. Yes, there shall be some romance shown, but you know what they say...love HURTS...and some people might want to love others...to DEATH! (Laughs evilly) But as for any official pairings, you'll just have to wait and see. Now if you excuse me, there's a soda with my name on it!...no, seriously, I wrote my name on it because SOMEBODY keeps taking them all-AAA! It's gone! What the frag!?</strong>
      </p></div></div></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>It's a wonderful, wonderful Life...so wonderful, such a wonderful, wonderful life...</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>DIB'S WONDERFUL LIFE OF DOOM</strong>
</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters calmly walked left and right in front of the class as the entire class made lanyards. Black and green lanyards.</p>
<p>"If you are diligent in your efforts, you will find this develops your fine motor skills and power of concentration, and will one day lead you to a SEMI-MEANINGFUL life." Ms. Bitters informed them.</p>
<p>The door opened and Principal Prickley walked in, a big smile on his face. "Hello class, how are we today?"</p>
<p>"Okay, I know nobody in this school actually GIVES a dookie about the students, but couldn't you get us some books so we could actually LEARN something?!" Dib complained.</p>
<p>"Yeah, all we've done for the past ten days is make LANYARDS and I'm gettin' BRUISES on my fingers." Nick said, holding up HORRIBLE bruised and gnarled fingers as horror music played.</p>
<p>"…you know what class I hated the most when I was a kid? MATH." Principal Prickley remarked cheerfully before he headed out the door. Dib groaned and rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>LUNCHTIME!</p>
<p>The dark, disgusting ooze drained down from a huge canister, sloughing it's way through a series of pipes and tubes as it finally made it's way down…to the food tray of a blue-haired kid named Aaron who had it splattered on him. The disgusting ooze slimed it's way into his mouth and eye sockets behind his glasses and his eyes swirled around as the black oil sizzled. He immediately began screaming and grabbed his head, moaning and groaning and sobbing…</p>
<p>And then he sat up straight and walked off. Zim, meanwhile, wore pinkish/purple rubber gloves and goggles to match as he poked at his oily, bubbling meal with a spoon, groaning in disgust. He noticed all of the other kids were watching him and he quickly tugged off his goggles and his gloves, grabbing a spoonful of the meal and stuffing it into his mouth.</p>
<p>Five…four…three…two…one…</p>
<p>Then his eyes watered and slobber dripped down from his face as pain shot through his body. He began hacking madly. "De…delicious…delicious…" He gasped out. He then stood on the table and grinned as best he could. "I'm NORMAL!" He shouted.</p>
<p>All of the other kids backed FAR away from Zim, save for Nick, Gaz, DL and Dib, who were all at the same table far across from Zim. Dib frowned.</p>
<p>"How am I still the only person to see Zim's an alien!? I mean come on! Come on!" Dib proclaimed.</p>
<p>Gaz rolled her eyes. "Why do you have to have a head?"</p>
<p>"Why are there army men up Weesley's nose?" DL asked. "Answer: he put them there!"</p>
<p>"Here, you can have my goldfishies." Nick said, giving DL his goldfishy crackers. "They've got too much fat in them and I need to lose ten pounds."</p>
<p>"I love fishes cuz they're so delicioooouuus!" DL sang as Nick put them in his hands.</p>
<p>"Nick, why don't you help me stop him?" He asked Nick.</p>
<p>"…hmm…should I really do that?" Nick asked. "I vaguely remember I was supposed to do something with BOTH of you, but…"</p>
<p>"Can't you hover me up to his bedroom or something and let me inside his window?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"I can fly, yeah, but I hafta have music playing…or be singing." Nick told him, shrugging.</p>
<p>"Your powers come from MUSIC?" Dib asked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Yeah!" He suddenly sat up. "Hold up…I hear a cat stuck in the tree!" He proclaimed, pointing upward. "Off to help others!<em><strong> Hey now…you're all an allstar! Get your game on…go play!</strong></em>"</p>
<p>Nick's body began to glow and he promptly soared over everyone's heads happily, glowing with an aura of many colors. <em><strong>"Hey now…you're a rock star! Get the show on..get paid!"</strong></em></p>
<p>KA-CRASH! He went out the window…which hadn't been open.</p>
<p>"…<em><strong>EVERYBODY HUUUUURTS…</strong></em>" Nick sobbed as he limped down the sidewalk.</p>
<p>"THAT was entertaining." Gaz remarked. "Even when he's not trying to, he makes me <em>laugh</em>." She laughed.</p>
<p>Dib clenched his fist. "Gaz, I want you to see this! Today, things are gonna change! I'm gonna do... <em>something</em>. I'm not just gonna sit back and watch Zim get away with his... his... things he does. I mean-"</p>
<p>Gaz rolled her eyes and did a bad impersonation of Dib. "Things he dooo? What's your PROBLEM?" She asked.</p>
<p>"Oh, you KNOW what I mean." Dib remarked as Gaz sipped her juice. He held up his bran muffin and his fingers dug into it. "I'm just…I have to do something about Zim…something new! And soon!"</p>
<p>He watched as Zim tugged on his spoon, which had stuck to his food and Dib grit his teeth, shaking his fist in frustration. He wanted to scream and yell "HE'S AN ALIEN". He wanted to strap him to a table right now and open his guts. He wanted to have EVERYONE understand that this horrid thing was an monstrous freak that was trying to kill every living thing on Earth and yet he couldn't.</p>
<p>What could he do?</p>
<p>"NOW!" Dib growled.</p>
<p>He tossed the muffin and it whacked Zim on the head, popping off with a squeaky noise.</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "What!? Who!?" He looked around.</p>
<p>Gaz blinked. "That…was HORRIBLE." She mumbled. "That was pathetic. Even for you."</p>
<p>Zim held up the muffin. "Who did this deed?!" He demanded. "Who DARES to soil the normal-boy-head of ZIM with this…PORK COW!"</p>
<p>"That's a stinkin' muffin!" Poonchy remarked.</p>
<p>"SILEEENCE!" Zim yelled, pointing up into the air, eyes narrowing intensely. "Whatever this is I will find the beast who threw it!" He swore. "I will find you! Sleep peacefully now, for it is the last peaceful sleep you will know from this moment on!" He roared, crushing the muffin in his hand.</p>
<p>"But we're not asleep right now!" Poonchy yelled again.</p>
<p>Zim screamed in a mixture of frustration and anger and jumped clear off the table, rushing out of the cafeteria as Dib chuckled. "Wow."</p>
<p>"Okay, actually THAT was kinda funny." Gaz admitted.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…that night, the stars twinkled peacefully over the house of Membrane as little Dibbun tossed and turned, muttering in his sleep.</p>
<p>"Autopsy…Dad…proud…I did it…I was RIGHT…I…WAS…RIGHT…yes, Mr. President, It's an honor…THANK you Mr. President…oh no, I don't drive…I do know? The hovercar's for ME?"</p>
<p>
  <strong>BGM: Music from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind"</strong>
</p>
<p>Strange, eerie light filled up Dib's dark bedroom as Dib wrapped his blanket around his head. He suddenly opened his eyes, awakening with a scream. "What?! What's happening?" He cried out.</p>
<p>Then two strange-looking beings floated in through the open window, their glowing bodies reflecting against Dib's glasses. They were vaguely insectoid, vaguely amoeba-like, with long proboscises. Their chests resembled human lungs in a sense, and they had a beautiful blue aura surrounding them. With a flash, they transformed into glowing sneakers.</p>
<p>"Who... what -what are you?" Dib asked. "And why did you transform into giant shoes?</p>
<p>"We are beings of pure energy. This is merely a form your human brain can understand."</p>
<p>"…but you just looked like ALIENS before you turned into shoes."</p>
<p>"Hmm…yes. BUT you couldn't comprehend that." The first shoe-thing said.</p>
<p>Dib raised an eyebrow. "Yeah I could!"</p>
<p>THWACKA! He got a shoelace to the cheek. "OW."</p>
<p>"Oh, forget that already. Now Dib... Dib..." The shoe hesitated. "Whatever your last name is..."</p>
<p>"That's right." Dib urged the alien to go on.</p>
<p>"We are the Meekrob. And we have a common enemy, Dib: The Irken Empire! We are busy fighting them on our own planet, BUT…we have come to offer you a gift that can aid in your battle with them."</p>
<p>The Meekrob's bodies lit up brightly and the blanket Dib had wrapped himself in was pushed away by an invisible force. He tried desperately to cling to his bed but then he was pinned against the wall as electricity surged through his entire body…he felt a change come over him, POWER surging through his body…</p>
<p>"It…huuuurts…" Dib gasped.</p>
<p>The Meekrob laughed. "Yesss…You now have the power to defend the Earth like never before!"</p>
<p>Dib blinked in surprise. "But why did you chose ME?" He asked.</p>
<p>"You are the worthiest, Dib!" The Meekrobe to the left told him.</p>
<p>"And no one else had a head large enough to accommodate so much power. Now rest!" The other remarked.</p>
<p>And with that, Dib fell from the wall back to his bed. The Meekrob then soared out the window in a blur, thus setting several places in the room on fire.</p>
<p>"Uh…I can fix that."</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib awoke with a gasp, blinking in surprise as he looked around the room. "A dream? Was it a dream? I feel... odd."</p>
<p>Down in the kitchen, Gaz was shaking the toaster, an angry expression on her face. She managed to get a very burnt piece of toast out and, rolling her eyes, she picked it up and headed over to the kitchen table, sitting down and eating the toast. It was then that Dib walked inside the kitchen with a big grin on his face. He put a piece of toast in the toaster and then headed over to the table.</p>
<p>"What an amazing morning, isn't it?" He asked Gaz.</p>
<p>Gaz muttered something unintelligible, her mouth still full of toast, and she sprayed crumbs all over his face. Dib calmly wiped them off with his sleeve and kept grinning. No really, something's... different."</p>
<p>"You still have a head." Gaz said, finishing with her toast.</p>
<p>The toaster then "PINGED", it's load flying into the air. Dib immediately grabbed a knife from off the table and scooped some butter from a plate before him, then FLUNG the butter through the air, then leapt up after it. The butter hit the toast and Dib promptly took a bite right out of the toast in midair…and then that toast landed right on his plate on the kitchen table as Dib landed on the ground, eyes widening in sheer joy.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Brief Musical Aid: Ode to Joy</strong>
</p>
<p>"It wasn't a dream! I really was chosen!" Dib gasped happily, holding his fists up to his chests and beaming.</p>
<p>Prof. Membrane walked into the kitchen, adjusting his glasses. Dib was glad, it was GOOD to see him finally greeting him and Gaz in the morning. "Son, you're looking in good spirits today, you must've seen the light about studying real science!" He remarked.</p>
<p>Dib shook his head. "No, dad! These alien shoes came into my room and gave me some kind of gift! I know how that sounds, but its true! Look!"</p>
<p>He leapt into the air, somersaulting and landing next to the fridge. He then grabbed a carton of orange juice and an empty glass and held the empty glass over the carton. Right before their eyes the carton unscrewed itself and hovered in the air whilst juice flowed from the carton into the upside-down glass. Then it screwed itself back in as Dib drank from the glass, then tossed the glass into the air, both carton and glass hovering back in palce.</p>
<p>"Those aliens were demented hallucinations!" Prof. Membrane took a pens-shaped device from his pocket and shone it over Dib's body, exposing the insides of his…head. "BUT…your DNA does seem to have evolved beyond that of normal human beings!"</p>
<p>Gaz walked to Dib, looking interested. "Hmmm...I guess I'm sorry about being so mean to you all those times then. You've gone up a couple notches in my book."</p>
<p>Dib beamed happily. "This is…this is just INCREDIBLE! I should... I should see if this whatever it is really will help me deal with Zim! I'm gonna head over to his base! Hey... I'm speaking out loud to myself in an unnatural manner and talking very fast." He blinked. Then he shrugged. "Oh well! I AM DIB!" He cried, striking heroic poses.</p>
<p>And so, Dib headed out the front door..which closed by itself. And then he leapt clear through the air and SOARED across the sky, finally landing by a bush across from Zim's house. "Oh, MAN, that was GREAT!" Dib proclaimed happily. "Time for some serious notes."</p>
<p>He pulled out a pair of electronic goggles and looked at Zim's house, the X-Ray Specs examining the whole building. He was about to take some notes with his pencil and paper…when he tossed them down and put his fists on his hips. "No!" He decided. "I'm sick of waiting and watching! I should take action! I'm... talking out loud some more! Odd." He scratched his head, then shrugged. "I'm going for it!" He roared, as a white shockwave erupted around his feet.</p>
<p>He launched himself through the air and landed right in the middle of Zim's gnome field. All the gnomes aimed right at him, but Dib calmly leapt through the air and they hit each other instead as Dib landed deftly back on the ground, striking SUPER-COOL poses.</p>
<p><em>"Dibby Dib Dib yeah!"</em> The narrator proclaimed.</p>
<p>"Thanks!" Dib said, knocking at the door. Zim, in his disguise, answered.</p>
<p>"Huh?" He asked, looking confused.</p>
<p>"I've got a few things to tell you, Zim!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…"And that's all I have to say about that!" Dib finished.</p>
<p>Zim held his chin. "Hmmmmm…okay!" He shrugged. He promptly walked off, then returned with a suitcase and GIR, who was also in disguise. "I can't argue with that, Dib. You've won. I'm giving myself up to the Earth authorities. It's been nice working with you GIR." He told the doggy. "Now self destruct."</p>
<p>"FINALLY!" GIR shouted, laughing. He then squeaked and exploded right on the spot, making Dib blink in surprise. WOW, that had been surprisingly big…and BLUE for some odd reason. Zim then walked up to the sidewalk and police cars surrounded him as Dib grinned to himself.</p>
<p>"This feeling! The power... It isn't going away! Things really are going to be different for me! At last!"</p>
<p>He punched the air, cheering. "YEAH! <strong>I AM DIIIIB!</strong>"</p>
<p>In a matter of minutes Dib was being surrounded by dozens of reporters as Prof. Membrane and Gaz sat in the couch of their living room, watching the news.</p>
<p>"You've opened the world's eyes to the existence of aliens Dib! Now what?" Hugh Monstro asked, holding his microphone up to Dib.</p>
<p>"There are many other mysteries still unsolved!" Dib remarked, shrugging. "I figure... you know... I'll do some of that!"</p>
<p>As the cameras flashed around him, Dib KNEW he was going to be living a much better life.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib was now a teenager, standing with an old, boarded up, blue-painted mansion who's paint was peeling off the walls. Dib stood on a podium of a stage, with a large red curtain behind him. Dib smiled at the large crowd of people who had gathered to hear him talk, a "Channel 52" news van included, and he addressed them all. "Ladies and gentlemen...I give you…ghosts!" He held up his hands and electricity shot out from them as he soared through the air and grabbed the curtain, yanking it away.</p>
<p>There, before their eyes, transparent specters hovered in the air. One was of Abraham Lincoln, just sitting in a rocking chair. One was of the William Shakespeare, the Bard himself, who floated in the air with a copy of his greatest works. A janitor ghost hovered around and around in midair, flying on a broomstick and carrying a bucket.</p>
<p>"Ooooh." The crowd gasped. "Ahhh! Ohhhh!"</p>
<p>"Hey." Shakespeare remarked.</p>
<p>The janitor ghost waved. "How ya doin'?"</p>
<p>"Hello." Abe said.</p>
<p>"Dib rocks!" A man who had the word "DIB" written in blue letters on his shirt yelled.</p>
<p>Britney Spears immediately pushed him out of the way and spread her arms wide. "Oh I LOVE you, Dib!"</p>
<p>Dib grinned happily. THIS was the life.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib was now an adult, and his hair spike had gotten even MORE scythe-like! He even had a girlfriend, a blue-haired, goggle-wearing scientist named Jenna. He, Jenna and a large crowd of people had gathered at the pier of Lake Spooky, a large lake that had two men fishing in a boat on it. The lake was in a large, gnarled forest, and Dib was now a young man. Even his shirt had changed: The face was now making an "o" of surprise, as if amazed at how much Dib had accomplished.</p>
<p>"And to prove that the Lake Spooky monster is real, this task force has granted me permission to drain the lake!" Dib announced.</p>
<p>A hatch nearby opened up from one of the wooden supports of the pier, revealing a red button. "HEEYAAA!" Dib roared out, karate-chopping the button and knocking the support in half. Immediately all the water drained away before their eyes, revealing the bottom of the lake had been COVERED in monsters with tentacles, gills, large, bulbous eyes, big fangs and even a couple of sea serpents for good measure!</p>
<p>"What's left to be discovered now, Dib?" One reporter asked as people cheered.</p>
<p>What…indeed!</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…it was a small, dark room filled with mechanical devices. Zim was inside of a containment tube of dark blue, oxygenated liquid. Veins stuck out on his head and many wires were going into his small body…he hadn't grown an INCH. A wire was going in where his left arm ought to have been, and his right eye had also been removed during a biopsy, which is like an autopsy, only they did it on you when you were ALIVE.</p>
<p>Yes, it had been painful. OH, THE PAIN!</p>
<p>Dib opened the door, standing there with none other than Gaz, who's hair had finally gotten less wild, and who know had a much nicer attitude. Zim's eyes narrowed. "DIB!" He growled at the thirty-year-old Dib, who now wore dark goggles and a big jacket, along with gloves.</p>
<p>"It's been years, Zim!" Dib said, his voice deeper now as he looked over a computer screen readout. "20 of your years to be precise, enduring these indignities!" Zim protested angrily as Dib's hand glowed, his eyes looking over the print-out. "The only reason I have not tried to escape is because it amuses me!"</p>
<p>Dib turned his head, raising an eyebrow. "Amuses you to WHAT?"</p>
<p>Zim nonchalantly smiled. "Ah yes... the invasion!"</p>
<p>"I didn't ask you about the invasion." Dib remarked.</p>
<p>"Oh, you didn't? Well, you were supposed to. Eh." Zim shrugged. "Well... they'll be here! The Armada will come and there's nothing you can do about it!" He insisted. Then he noticed that his left arm had broken off. "…maybe they'll met me do YOUR biopsy." He mumbled.</p>
<p>"We'll see, Zim! We'll see!" Dib swore, leaving the room and allowing Gaz to look at Zim intently. The two stared for a long time…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib stood before a large building that somewhat resembled the Capitol building, only he had not only given it a nice dark blue paintjob but had put a metal insignia that looked a lot like his HAIR over the front. His assistant, Erin, stood by him as jets flew overhead. "To better study the coming alien menace-oh, hold on."</p>
<p>He shot a laser beam from his eye and a UFO crashed behind the institute. A cry of "MY LEGS" shot out through the air.</p>
<p>"As I was saying, I am proud to open the Dib Institute of Paranormal Studies/School of Paranormal Tolerance/Museum/Snack Bar!" He proclaimed happily, electricity surging from his hands. He blasted a tree to the side and the tree flew into the air, a large snack bar appearing behind it, with podiums that had Dib's head made of marble to the side of this lovely snack bar.</p>
<p>Gaz stood proudly by her brother's side as fireworks went off in the air and the jets roared overhead, spelling out "DIB" in their exhaust as everyone cheered happily. Dib felt his father's hand go down on his shoulder and his dad nodded his aged, grey/white hair in approval. Dib was sure nothing could top this feeling.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "SIR! They're COMING!" A soldier gasped out, entering the men's bathroom. Dib stood up after finishing his "business", but now his hair spike was MUCH taller. He and the soldier made their way to the "United World Association of Fighting Enemies", which had replaced the old school Dib had once gone to.</p>
<p>Dib addressed some soldiers as he drew an image of the "Massive" on a nearby chalkboard. "The MASSIVE, the Irken empire's capitol ship. And the SIDE PODS are filled with snacks!"</p>
<p>A chicken, one of man in the room, bu-cawed. "Bawk-bawk-baaawwwk!" It proclaimed, walking past a sash on the wall which read "The Earth's Best".</p>
<p>"Those pods are their weak spot. Alpha Squad... you'll be bringing down The Massive!" He addressed the soldiers, pointing at the chalk drawing with a pointer stick, electricity surging through the pointer.</p>
<p>"But Dib…SIR…who'll LEAD Alpha Squadron?"</p>
<p>Dib snapped the pointer in half as the pieces spewed electricity and Dib grinned. "Who else?"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…and so Dib was out in space, electricity spewing from his palms as he sat in the cockpit of his shipe over Earth, with Alpha Squadron's ships hovering nearby. The Irken Armada was coming closer and closer to Earth, but Dib gave the order, and the enormous Alpha Squadron led the charge as hundreds of earth ships flew at the Irken armada. It turned into a large firefight as dozens of ships were blasted out of the starry sky. Dib's ship rushed straight at the Massive as the cockpit opened up and Dib out into space, electricity surging through his body.</p>
<p>With a loud cry his helmet shattered, then he shot a blast of electricity that blew apart a Spittle Runner nearby. He didn't need no stinkin' helmet…OR a parachute! He then landed straight on the windshield of the massive and stared into the eyes of two tall aliens looked at him. One purple-eyed alien sipped a soda. "Well lookit that." He remarked.</p>
<p>Dib ran up along the surface of the massive, dodging Spittle Runner shots and whipping around, shooting lasers out of his eyes at the ship and blowing it up. More Spittle Runners surged at him, but they were no match for his L33T Pwning Skills! And neither were the snack pods!</p>
<p>"Our SNACKS!" The tall, red alien cried out. "It's all over! Retreaaaat!" He yelled, sobbing as he covered his eyes.</p>
<p>And indeed, it was over. Dib found a new feeling of accomplishment as Presidentman held up a "Greatest Person to Ever Life" award as Dib landed back down on Earth, striking a heroic pose on the stage out in the desert where an adoring populace had gathered to cheer for him. Suddenly an ENORMOUS dust cloud appeared on the horizon, caused by the Massive crashing into the Earth behind them, and it was coming closer…closer! Everyone gasped and shielded themselves, looking terrified as it was about to sweep over them, but Dib simply kicked his foot at the cloud…</p>
<p>And it vanished. And there was much rejoicing.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib's hair had grown even LONGER and LARGER than his father's. Now he was an old man of 199 who would be celebrating his 200th birthday soon. He smiled as he adjusted his glasses with his shaking hands and let out a long, happy sigh, ending his tale.</p>
<p>"You've lived quite a full life, haven't you, Sir Dib?" Alan the reporter asked Dib as he sat in a chair in a large talk show room.</p>
<p>"Yes, Alan. It was everything I could've hoped for... " He said wistfully. "And more! Why, I even got to ride a <strong>moose</strong>!"</p>
<p>"Awwww." The audience said warmly, clapping their hands.</p>
<p>"And who could EVER forget that day?" Alan inquired.</p>
<p>"Yes, well, we thank you for sharing your incredible life with us and for allowing the human race to survive!"</p>
<p>Dib nodded his head. "Ho-ho…yes…you're all welcome. It was my pleasure."</p>
<p>Alan raised a finger. "And, uh, oh, if I may say... there's one final question that would settle the curiosity of your many fans! They wanted to know when it all began. Some say it started the day after a muffin was thrown at Invader Zim's head. Did you throw the muffin at Zim's head?"</p>
<p>Dib laughed nervously. "Heh-heh…WOW, that's going back a long ways. As a matter of fact... I did." He admitted.</p>
<p>Alan grinned evilly. "AHA!" He shouted. His head was IMMEDIATELY replaced by Zim, along with all the other members of the audience around Dib in the talk show, making Dib become speechless…</p>
<p>And then the illusion faded away, and Dib was revealed to be in Zim's enormous, white-painted holographic projection room, stuck to a large chair…and not old, but a boy still.</p>
<p>"I <strong>knew</strong> it! I <strong>knew</strong> it was <strong>YOU</strong>!" Zim yelled through the intercom, located in a rounded control pod-room which was situated above Dib's head.</p>
<p>Dib looked up, looking confused. "What? There aren't shoe aliens? This was all a TRICK?"</p>
<p>"GET OUT." Zim hissed.</p>
<p>Dib put his hands in his jacket and walked away sadly, heading towards the exit.</p>
<p>Zim then remembered something. "Oh. Hold on. Just one more thing!" He called out, pressing a button on a nearby control panel. Dib looked up a HUGE red cannon lowered itself from the ceiling and aimed right at Dib, who shielded his head as light poured out from it…</p>
<p>Then the light was gone. Dib blinked and looked back up into the cannon…which popped a muffin out that whacked Dib on the head, HARD. Zim laughed as the cannon retracted and Dib stumbled towards the exit, rubbing his head.</p>
<p>"You STINK, Zim!" He snarled, stopping at the exit momentarily before leaving the room and Zim's laughter behind.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Dib walked back home and opened up the door. Gaz stuck out her foot, tripping him as he walked inside. TWHOMP! He hit the ground and she pointed at him. "THAT'S for taking the last can of Poop cola!" She hissed before she kicked him and walked off. Dib sighed as he rubbed his head and walked into the kitchen, looking at a note on the fridge.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Dear Son:</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Here's some camps that might be good to look into: they're all about REAL SCIENCE!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Sincerely…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Prof. Membrane"</em>
</p>
<p>Dib bit his lip…then crumpled up the note and got out a water bottle from the fridge, taking a long, deep sigh and going to sit down on a chair at the kitchen table. He took small sips of the bottle as his body felt a chill go through him. Then, at last, he tossed the water bottle so hard against the wall it broke into pieces and he hung his head, hands digging deep into his knees as his body shook with suppressed sobs.</p>
<p>…and then he slowly trudged up the steps and headed off to bed, to wake up in the morning and start another day of his crappy life.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Yes I know I've been churning out chapter after chapter, but that's because I REALLY can't wait to share the work I've done. I'm gonna take a break once Spring Break rolls around though.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Also, this is probably one of the saddest endings I've ever had to write.</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Megadoomer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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      <p>
        <strong>Remember to review, folks! Reviews keep me going. I really appreciate the support I've gotten so far from those of you that have been reading this story and I'd enjoy hearing even more reviews. Once Spring Break rolls around I'm taking a break from writing.</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Now then...on with the tale!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Doom-doom-doom! Yeah, doom-doom-doom-doom, doom-doom-doom!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>MEGADOOMER</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"You know what the best part about last Christmas was?" Dib asked Zim.</p>
      <p>"You mean the one where I was TRAPPED inside the CRAZY HOUSE and they stuck pills up-"</p>
      <p>"Yep."</p>
      <p>"Okay, what was the best part?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"…YOU weren't there." Dib said wistfully.</p>
      <p>Then when they opened the door to the classroom, arriving SLIGHTLY late, they saw Ms. Bitters, Nny the Janitor, Principal Prickley and a new guidance counselor were tied up to chairs. Nick was behind them, nervously blushing as he adjusted some duct tape on their mouths.</p>
      <p>"Uh…I KNOW I shoulda called you…but…this one kinda got away from us." He apologized.</p>
      <p>"Holy COW, how the…what the?!" Dib's eyes went wide. "How did this happen?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"Well, Ms. Bitters kinda got me angry, so I knocked her out and tied her up…" Nick remarked.</p>
      <p>"And then janitor came in after PRICKLEY heard her screeching and we took Nny's duct tape…" Sara went on.</p>
      <p>"And well, after that it kinda got to be some mass hysteria…" The Letter M apologized.</p>
      <p>Zim went over to Prickley's mouth and took of the duct tape as the principal growled. "You're all going straight to the big house! If you let me go in the next TEN SECONDS, you two will be granted SOME degree of leniency!"</p>
      <p>"Hey…that's MY lanyard. Where'd you get it?" Nick asked, pointing at a keychain lanyard that Zim was wearing. Zim looked down and held up the keychain, which was a key to every single electronic device in his house.</p>
      <p>"You can't have made THIS, I got from GIR, who said he bought it ONLINE." Zim snapped. Then he took a closer look at the lanyard…</p>
      <p>"Wait…you tied your INITIALS into it!" He remarked. "You DID make this!"</p>
      <p>Dib then grinned evilly and walked in front of Principal Prickley, pacing in place as he looked at the middle-aged man. "Gee, Principal Prickley…can you POSSIBLY think of ANY connection to the thousands of lanyards we had to make in class and THIS one a doggy found for sale Crap N' Stuff Dot Com?"</p>
      <p>Principal Prickley turned VERY pale and began to shake.</p>
      <p>"Principal Prickley, I would be <strong><em>horrified</em></strong> to think that a public school principal would use innocent children as SLAVE LABOR…" Dib remarked, eyebrow raised high.</p>
      <p>"I don't know what you're talking about!" Prickley hissed.</p>
      <p>Nick, following a hunch, took the tape off of Ms. Bitters. "It was HIS idea! ALL his idea!" She insisted. "He dangled the prospect of being assistant principal! It meant I wouldn't have to put up with YOU kids AND it came with parking!" She pleaded desperately.</p>
      <p>Grinning, Zim took off the duct tape from the other humans and Dib folded his arms, a proud smirk on his face. "I wonder who would get the worst punishment. A bunch of hyperactive kids who tied some people up for a little while…or the public servant who forced them into slavery…" Dib mused. "We could ask a <strong>judge</strong>…or <strong>everyone</strong> could just keep quiet about <strong>EVERYTHING</strong>…" He suggested silkily.</p>
      <p>"So is that deal alright with you FILTHY school service drones?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"That depends. Can I spend five minutes alone with THESE guys before you untie them?" Nny jabbed his head at Bitters and Prickley darkly, eyes glittering as his fingers curled up like claws.</p>
      <p>Dib and Zim grinned broadly, then turned to face each other. "Let this be the LAST time we agree on ANYTHING." Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>"Agreed." Dib said, nodding intently.</p>
      <p>The funny thing was...it wouldn't be.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE, QUITE SOME DISTANCE AWAY!</p>
      <p>The Massive and the Irken Armada hovered above the mechanical planet Storagia. Inside of a long, tube-like structure that was the main processing center for delivery orders were hundreds of individual storage compartments, and the Tallest stood on a hover platform looking over many of these compartments in the large, dark purple area. They finally reached on in particular and a beam shot from the bottom of the hover platform to engulf the whole compartment and show them what was inside.</p>
      <p>To say that the MegaDoomer Combat Stealth Mech was an enormous machine of destructive force would be an understatement. With the missile launchers on it's "shoulder" region and sides, the hydraulic engines running it's legs and it's large, taloned feet, this was a weapon of mass destruction that blew up planets and looked good while doing it. And the VORT had built it. Not the Irkens. The Vort. Because remember, Irkens were incredibly lazy and unimaginative: most of their ideas came from other people.</p>
      <p>"I don't like it."</p>
      <p>Except THAT idea, which came from Purple, who frowned at the MegaDoomer. Red turned on him and frowned at HIM. "We didn't build it so you could "like it"." Red snapped. "This one's going to planet Meekrob to help Invader Tenn conquer it!"</p>
      <p>"Well I SHOULD like it." Purple remarked, sticking his tongue out.</p>
      <p>They then rose back up to another platform, this time containing DOZENS of defective SIR units who were all going wild. One was wrestling, one LARGE clump was rolling around like a destructive ball of crazy, another was on FIRE, and one actually had DYNAMITE strapped to it's chest. Where'd it get the dynamite?!</p>
      <p>YIKES! One had a CHAINSAW-</p>
      <p>SWOOSH!</p>
      <p>…well, he no longer had the chain saw. Or his arm. An axe-wielding SIR had put an end to THAT.</p>
      <p>"Malfunctioning SIR units! Hey! These things are dangerous! Anyone using these could really get hurt!" Purple realized. He then grinned. "Send them to Zim."</p>
      <p>Red gasped. "But that would DESTROY him!...heh…heh-heh…"</p>
      <p>The two then burst out into horrid laughter. "MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"</p>
      <p>"MWA-HA-HA…let's go eat food!" Purple asked.</p>
      <p>SOON…</p>
      <p>At Beltia, the Conveyer Belt Planet, HUNDREDS upon HUNDREDS of packages were moving along conveyer belts that encircled the planet. The planet belonged to the "Screw Heads", yellow beings with large heads that had screws screwed into the tops as part of their "Puberty ritual". They called it a "ritual". Some called it "hazing". Others called it "cruel and unusual punishment"…these people were not Screw Heads, naturally.</p>
      <p>One of these such Screw Heads, Smikka-Smikka Smoodoo, approached a guard and saluted. "Smikka-Smikka-Smoodoo reporting for duty."</p>
      <p>"Hmm…" The guard, who had a cover over the lower half of his mouth and who was taller than most Irkens, looked over the snazzy clipboard in his hand. "Smikka-Smikka?"</p>
      <p>"Yep."</p>
      <p>"…hmm. Funny. It says here you were supposed to be shot."</p>
      <p>"That's my DAD, Smikka-Smikka-Smoodoo SENIOR."</p>
      <p>"Oh. Sorry. And you're at station nine." The guard pointed down the way, as Smikka-Smikka moved over to his new station. The first guard then walked over to another guard. "So what were you up to last night?"</p>
      <p>"I was watching "Misplaced"."</p>
      <p>"UGH. Are they still on that stupid island?"</p>
      <p>"Well yes, they're misplaced on an island and-"</p>
      <p>"<strong>Boring</strong>! I was playing "Sound of Duty 4". FPS excellence!"</p>
      <p>"Are you high? "Circle 3" pwns Sound of Duty 4"!"</p>
      <p>"Circle 3 is Sound of Duty's b-h!"</p>
      <p>"You are a b-h! I think I hate you more every day."</p>
      <p>"<em>Good</em>. My work here is done."</p>
      <p>Two packages were there in front of him. One was the MegaDoomer, though he didn't know it. The other was filled with the defective SIRS. One said "To Zim: Earth", the other "To Invader Tenn: Meekrob". Smikka gasped as he turned his head to see a Screw Head falling off his hover disk to the abyss below, BARELY managing to snag onto a platform in time only to get rudely told to "GET BACK TO WORK".</p>
      <p>"These Irken monsters... conquer my people... take our planet... force us to ship packages!" He looked down at his gloved hands. "Can I call myself a man if I am slave to the Irken machine? Our futures... crushed like so many little nothing packing peanuts! No... NO, I say! I must prevail! I will... I will…" He looked left and right, then made his choice. <strong>"Switch the addresses on these two boxes!"</strong></p>
      <p>FWIP! He pressed a button on his control remote for his station and the two addresses switched. "Ha-HAAA! Let the revolution begi-"</p>
      <p>TZZZT! He was tasered in the back and he groaned. "Back to work, smart-ass!" One guard snapped. Smikka-Smikka moaned and sighed, sending the packages off into a dimensional portal far above the planet.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Zim, in disguise, was talking to Spuddy, a hat-wearing young boy with big brown eyes. And unfortunately for Spuddy, Zim was ranting. "And then, THEN Dib says "Raarr!" in front of the whole class! Filthy slug!" Zim hissed, eyes bugging. "Ms. Bitters called on ME! Understand? Filthy, squirmy Dib! Squirmy!"</p>
      <p>"What are you talking about!? Who are you!?" Spuddy asked.</p>
      <p>Zim clenched his claws into fists."I can't believe the things that HUUUUMAN has done to me! Me! And..."</p>
      <p>He swung his fists in the air, imagining he was beating Dib up. "DIB! DIIIIB!" he growled.</p>
      <p>"Why are you following me!? I don't even go to your school!" Spuddy complained.</p>
      <p>Zim growled. "And…OOOH he makes me so mad! The horrible puny brained meat child, with his little glasses and his..."</p>
      <p>They'd reached Spuddy's house. Spuddy immediately ran up to the front door and shut the door.</p>
      <p>"HEAD! His freakishly big HEAD!" Zim snapped.</p>
      <p>From somewhere far away, Dib stiffened. "I sense…a disturbance…"</p>
      <p>Zim did a bad impersonation of Dib, every word filled with malice."My name is Dib with my pointy hair!<strong> Pointy</strong> hair!" I eat food and HAVE STUFF!" He snarled, waving his arms in the air as Zim headed for his house whilst Spuddy sucked on his thumb, probably traumatized and in need of many years of therapy.</p>
      <p>"Oh he will pay, how he will <strong><em>pay</em></strong>!" Zim swore, shutting the door behind him as he entered the house…</p>
      <p>BA-BOOOOOOM!</p>
      <p>THEN the package crashed in his front yard. Zim opened his door and looked it over, his eyes going sparkly. "…<em>wooooow</em>…"</p>
      <p>AND SO…SOME TIME LATER…</p>
      <p>Zim called up the Tallest, COMPLETELY lost in rapture as he waved his arms wildly, eyes all sparkly as he addressed the Tallest from his laboratory. <em>"Oh thank you you've done the right thing my Tallest and you won't be forgotten when I rule the Universe thanks to this amazing battle mech BYE!"</em> He cheered all in one sentence before the entire transmission cut off.</p>
      <p>"…wait…<em>what</em>?" Purple asked.</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>"Sir, Incoming Transmission from Planet Meekrob!"</p>
      <p>Red and Purple looked at each other. "Ruh roh." Purple squeaked out.</p>
      <p>Invader Tenn was now shown on the main view screen of the massive, her eyes wide with sheer horror. "It's horrible! They're <em><strong>everywhere</strong></em>!" She screamed in her vaguely Southern accent.</p>
      <p>As it were, the malfunctioning SIR units were EVERYWHERE. One was sawing the head open of another SIR unit who had put a candle…I mean, stick of DYNAMITE into a black forest cake. Another SIR unit was spinning it's head around wildly, another was A-FIRIN' IT'S LAZAAAAR and another was swinging around, apparently under the delusion it was a monkey, and ALL of them were babbling.</p>
      <p>Hoo boy. GIR, Nick and Zim meanwhile were examining the package. GIR was swimming through a large sea of packing peanuts and happily singing as he did so, his doggy disguise on his person. Zim calmly lifted GIR up by his disguise's ears and grinned as he looked the MegaDoomer over. "The MegaDoomer, GIR! The most powerful stealth robot in the Irken Military." He told GIR, dropping the robot who walked over to the MegaDoomer. "Engineered by conquered Vort scientists actually. They're FILTHY." Zim went on.</p>
      <p>"Not as filthy as HUMANS, though, right?" Nick asked.</p>
      <p>"Oh don't worry, you'll always be the filthiest in my heart." Zim insisted.</p>
      <p>Nick immediately grinned at this. Then he frowned. "HEY…wait a minute! I just…ARGH!" He banged the side of his head, groaning, realizing he'd just self-dissed his own species.</p>
      <p>GIR gasped, his mouth making a perfect "o", and then he hugged the robot's legs. "It's got CHICKEN LEGS! I WUB it already."</p>
      <p>Zim blinked, the nodded. "Yesss…chicken legs…" Zim agreed. "It also possesses a new generation distortion cloaking system. You know what that means?"</p>
      <p>GIR promptly soared into the air, spazzing out and screaming as his body swirled around. "WAAAUHH-HOOOOO!"</p>
      <p>Then he settled back down and shook his head.</p>
      <p>"That means it turns invisible!" Zim told him, whacking his fist into his open palm.</p>
      <p>"I had no idea!" GIR remarked. Zim hopped onto his head and GIR's jet-feet activated as GIR lifted Zim to the top of the MegaDoomer.</p>
      <p>"It's a bit much but I will use this to annihilate the Dib!" Zim swore as he entered the open cockpit. "I can't WAIT!"</p>
      <p>"I'm FLOATIN'." GIR remarked</p>
      <p>"…12 minutes." Nick said.</p>
      <p>"Huh?" Zim asked, looking down at Nick.</p>
      <p>"Me and Gaz have a bet going on. She keeps saying she's been timing your screw-ups and most of your plans fall apart in twelve minutes. I'm gonna see if that's true, so I'll start the timer on my watch…" He pressed a button. "Now."</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>Zim frowned. "You will have wasted your money for when I activate this MegaDoomer-"</p>
      <p>He pressed the "on" button…and nothing happened. "Hey! HUH?" He kicked the controls. "Whuzza matter with this thing?" He demanded to know, getting out of the cockpit. The answer became clear when GIR pulled out a long tube from the side of the MegaDoomer…there were no batteries in the MegaDoomer, the only one IN it had been dead.</p>
      <p>"Ladies and Gentlemen, the "Superior Irken Empire"." Nick remarked.</p>
      <p>"Hey, VORTIANS made this!" Zim snapped.</p>
      <p>"So you're NOT going to let your race take credit for this weapon." Nick asked.</p>
      <p>Zim angrily tugged on his antennae. "STOP CONFUSING MEEEE! GIR, we must improvise!"</p>
      <p>And so, GIR got out an ENORMOUS plug from a socket of the house and plugged it into the MegaDoomer by a long cord. Zim headed back into the cockpit and Nick looked down at his watch. "Three minutes have passed…"</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>"CLOAKING DEVICE ACTIVATED!" The MegaDoomer said. The entire thing turned invisible, though the cord AND Zim could still be seen. Nick resisted the urge to laugh.</p>
      <p>"I can still see you!" GIR remarked.</p>
      <p>Zim popped his head out of the hatch. "Silence! My victory... begins... NOW!" He roared, laughing evilly. Then he took a deep breath.</p>
      <p>"Hooo…"</p>
      <p>And then he laughed some more. Soon the MegaDoomer was plowing through the wall. Unfortunately Zim didn't do much better while out of his house, crushing a lawn gnome and crashing into the houses next door. He turned and saw GIR was tugging on the power cord and he frowned. "Careful with that power cord! Now I know you can't see me GIR because the cloaking device is on! Just follow the sound of the stomping!"</p>
      <p>"Four minutes…" Nick spoke up. "I know it's only twenty bucks but…GO ZIM!" He cheered.</p>
      <p>The MegaDoomer crushed a fire hydrant, then crushed a lamp post as Zim cackled, walking along the road. "The Dib pig won't see this one coming!" He sneered, laughing so hard he almost choked. Naturally, people heard the stomping and looked outside to see Zim riding on his invisible death machine, and they blinked in surprise. GIR calmly followed behind the MegaDoomer as Zim sniggered to himself.</p>
      <p>"Look at their scared faces of these huuuuumans! They hear the terror but they see nothing! FOOLS!" He roared.</p>
      <p>YOINK! Out went the power cord!</p>
      <p>"POWERING DOWN." The MegaDoomer announced, stopping in place and becoming visible.</p>
      <p>"…you were saying something about "seeing nothing"?" Nick asked.</p>
      <p>"GIR! What happened?"</p>
      <p>"The plug thing ain't plugged!" GIR announced.</p>
      <p>"Another outlet! QUICKLY!" Zim demanded.</p>
      <p>GIR ran to the unplugged plug and held it up, giggling as he carried it to the front lawn of a house that was right next to the MegaDoomer. "Hi Pig." He addressed the glowing pig lawn ornament on the front lawn of the house. Then he kicked it away. "Bye pig." He said sadly, poutting the cord into the outlet the pig had been plugged into.</p>
      <p>"Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble." GIR gobbled, running around and around.</p>
      <p>"Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble." Nick gobbled.</p>
      <p>"And for our NEXT impersonation…" GIR went on.</p>
      <p>"Invader Zim AFTER snacktime!" Nick finished. Two then giggled.</p>
      <p>"I have MISSILE LAUNCHERS and I will USE THEM!" Zim snapped. This got Nick to shut up. "Now then…onward to ven-e-gance!"</p>
      <p>A cop car pulled up, sirens blaring, and he saw Zim walk clear through a tree. He pulled out his gun and shot as he raced towards the thing, but the blast ricocheted right off the MegaDoomer. Horrified, the cop hit the brakes crawled into the backseat just in time to avoid being crushed by one chicken foot of the MegaDoomer, who also crushed the siren. GIR calmly waved at the cop, sitting atop the power cord as it dragged by the car. "Nyaaa!"</p>
      <p>Unfortunately, the cord came lose AGAIN. The force threw GIR off the cord and he smacked into the windshield of the MegaDoomer, which became visible AGAIN.</p>
      <p>"GIR! Outlet! Before we're noticed!" Zim shouted.</p>
      <p>GIR just slid down the cord. "Woohooooo!"</p>
      <p>"Seven minutes…" Nick remarked.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…some old folks in a nursing home were watching an old science fiction show with a bald, jacket-wearing cyborg speaking on the TV. "What I'm trying to say SIR... is that he was like no man I've ever SEEN!"</p>
      <p>GIR promptly burst in through the window with the plug, yelling happily. He yanked out the TV plug and stuck the MegaDoomer plug in instead, then hopped atop the plug and began to break dance, making victorious squeaks.</p>
      <p>"What he say?" An old man asked.</p>
      <p>"This is a better show." Another one remarked.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim was behind a red-haired woman in a light red minivan and he shook his fist at her, yelling. "Hey! Get out of the way! Hey! Hey! Hey! Move it! Hey! <strong>Hey</strong>! You invoke my wrath!?" He yelled.</p>
      <p>The light turned green (not that Zim noticed) and she sped off. "Victory for Zim!" Zim cried, holding his fists in the air. "Eight minutes." Nick announced.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, a purple-haired kid with a lobotomy scar on his head was playing with a blue-capped kid. The first was Chuck, the second Buck. They had placed a flashlight in the middle of the sandbox they were in for "spooky affect".</p>
      <p>"My robot hits yours with swarmers!" Chuck said, pressing a button on the robot and having two plastic missiles shoot out at the other robot.</p>
      <p>"I counter with the wave pulse!" Buck said, pressing a button on his toy robot which made the lights on it flash wildly.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, I'm not playing with you anymore!" Chuck complained.</p>
      <p>BOOM…BOOM…</p>
      <p>They heard stomping and looked around, then saw…the MegaDoomer! It had become visible again, standing right before the two kids.</p>
      <p>"More power! Give me more power!" Zim demanded.</p>
      <p>"Eight and a half…" Nick said, calmly walking down the street and sipping a root beer.</p>
      <p>GIR popped up beside the two kids and promptly stuffed the toys into his mouth, eating them, grinning, then running off after Zim's MegaDoomer got plugged back in. But, where was Dib, I hear you cry?</p>
      <p>He was in his bathroom, rinsing his mouth. He spat out some water from his mouth into the sink and wiped his mouth with his jacketed arm. Then…the ground shook.</p>
      <p>BOOM.</p>
      <p>He blinked and looked at the toilet as the water rippled.</p>
      <p>BOOM.</p>
      <p>It happened again. Dib felt a creeping feeling of worry rise up in him like a tide that was getting closer to his "submerged in the sand" head. Then...</p>
      <p>BOOM.</p>
      <p>"PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE END, DIB!" Zim's voice cried.</p>
      <p>Dib looked out the window, gaped, then ran out the front door as he looked at Zim, who had tree branches stuck to his invisible MegaDoomer.</p>
      <p>"I've put up with you long enough, Dib! Now, fight an enemy you cannot see!" Zim proclaimed.</p>
      <p>Although Dib had been annoyed that his Dad wasn't at home to see Zim attack him in person, and was more annoyed that Gaz just didn't CARE, seeing THIS made him feel a BIT better. "You're right THERE." He snapped.</p>
      <p>"What?" Zim asked, tilting his head to the side and trying to scoot over.</p>
      <p>Dib pointed right at him. "There! Your mighty Irken cloaking device cloaks the <strong>robot</strong> but not <strong>you</strong>!"</p>
      <p>"Also, about the bet I made with Gaz about how your plans get screwed up in twelve minutes…it's been ten minutes." Nick announced.</p>
      <p>"LIIIES! Now, behold the doom cannon!" Zim cried out, pressing a button as the sound of shifting hydraulics was heard.</p>
      <p>"I can't. IT'S invisible." Dib said simply, shrugging.</p>
      <p>GIR calmly walked behind Dib, squeaking. Zim frowned. "But you can see ME?"</p>
      <p>"That's what I said." Dib told him, nodding.</p>
      <p>Zim blinked a few times, then made a pout. "Oh, that's STUPID." He groaned, whacking his forehead, the realization of just how dumb a lot of Irken technology truly WAS finally sinking into his head. Probably not for long though.</p>
      <p>"REALLY stupid." Dib agreed.</p>
      <p>"You dare agree with me!?" Zim cried, waving his arms. "Prepare to meet your horrible DOOOM!" He proclaimed, pressing buttons that were shown to be glowing.</p>
      <p>"Warning! Power draw critical!" The MegaDoomer announced.</p>
      <p>THA-WOOOOOMPA!</p>
      <p>All the lights in the city went out and the MegaDoomer was now clearly visible.</p>
      <p>"Chicken!" GIR laughed."I'm gonna eat you!"</p>
      <p>Dib pulled out a camera and began taking pictures. "WOW." He remarked.</p>
      <p>"Whaddya know, it's taken…" Nick looked down at his watch. "Eleven minutes and eleven seconds for your plan to get screwed up."</p>
      <p>"AH! Power emergency!" Zim cried out.</p>
      <p>"Crop circles magazine's gonna put me on the front cover! Somebody, take one with me standing next to it!" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>Dib looked around, then handed the camera to GIR, who was closest, and ran over to the MegaDoomer, striking poses.</p>
      <p>"Yes, yes, BEAUTIFUL, feeling it, feeling it!" GIR agreed, nodding his head. "Now let's get some smiles, it's all in here! Oh yeah, work it baby! You're a tiger! You're TONY the Tiger! Yooouuu're GREAT!" GIR laughed. "Now you're a MONKEY! Yes, yes, beat the chest!"</p>
      <p>Zim banged his head on the control panel as Dib struck a kung-fu-esque pose.</p>
      <p>"Awww, you look so CUTE!" GIR said happily.</p>
      <p>"Thanks!" Dib said, smiling. It was moments like these when he kinda liked GIR. Maybe after Zim was on an autopsy table, he could keep the little guy as his own robot friend. They might even get their own sitcom!</p>
      <p>"No, GIR! NO!" Zim yelled, tugging on his antennae.</p>
      <p>Nick and Dib grasped arms and swung around in a do-see-do as GIR kept taking photos.</p>
      <p>"Security...compromised…MUST SELF DESTRUCT!" Zim roared, pressing the self-destruct button on the MegaDoomer. Zim was ejected from the back of the robot and he quickly walked away.</p>
      <p>"FIVE…FOUR…THREE…TWO…"</p>
      <p>Dib ducked down and out of the way, snatching his camera from GIR and hiding in a nearby bush.</p>
      <p>"ONE!"</p>
      <p>Nick, who had stood to the side, plugged his ears.</p>
      <p>SHUDDA-BOOM!</p>
      <p>The MegaDoomer exploded, sending GIR flying. Dib shut his eyes and waited…then he felt his hand become LIGHT and he opened his eyes and saw Zim had the camera and was now holding it up.</p>
      <p>"Victory!" He proclaimed as pieces of the MegaDoomer flew by in the background.</p>
      <p>"Look, mommy!" A kid remarked from across the neighborhood as a piece flew through the air.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, make a wish on that shooting star!" His mom told him.</p>
      <p>"What do you mean "victory"!?" Dib asked. "Your robot exploded and you didn't destroy me!"</p>
      <p>Zim grinned nervously. "It was a trick, yes! Eh, my real plan was to... " He held the camera up. "Steal this camera from you! So that you couldn't show these pictures, <em>hah</em>!"</p>
      <p>"Startin' the timer up again." Nick said, fiddling with his watch.</p>
      <p>Dib immediately tackled Dib and they began to wrestle over the camera, with Dib growling angrily.</p>
      <p>"Give it BACK! C'MOOOON!"</p>
      <p>Zim smirked and tossed the camera form one hand to another. "Nope!"</p>
      <p>SWISH!</p>
      <p>"Nuh-uh!"</p>
      <p>SWISH!</p>
      <p>"No way!"</p>
      <p>SWISH!</p>
      <p>"Uh- uh!"</p>
      <p>THWIP! Dib grabbed ahold of the camera and stepped back, grinning. "HA! Victory for EARTH!" He yelled.</p>
      <p>"Wow, that's a new record…one minute, eighteen seconds." Nick remarked. "Which means Gaz now owes ME twenty bucks, I TOLD her that Zim's plan could fail in less than three minutes!"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. "You had the lens cap on…." He mumbled.</p>
      <p>"I did not…" Dib then looked at his camera. Sure enough, he'd left the lens cap on. He grit his teeth and quivered with a mixture of horror and anger as Zim ran away down the sidewalk.</p>
      <p>But then he turned around and shook his fist at Dib. "Victory! Victory for ZIIIM!" he proclaimed.</p>
      <p>THWAAAAAM! A piece of MegaDoomer fell right on top of him. A BURNIN' piece of MegaDoomer.</p>
      <p>Dib blinked. Then a hawk came out of nowhere and snatched the camera away, making Dib sigh. "Well, I liked that camera but I guess this is a victory for me... YEAH…" He shrugged "Or something... I'm going back to bed..." He remarked, heading back inside.</p>
      <p>"I am Ziiiim…" Zim croaked out.</p>
      <p>"I am…going to get the band-aids." Nick remarked, shaking his head as GIR slid off of Dib's door, which had now shut.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Automatic signal! From the MegaDoomer, Sir... It self destructed." A communication's officer told Purple and Red.</p>
      <p>"With Zim in it?" Purple asked.</p>
      <p>"Probably not." Red growled hatefully. "Probably not!" He squeezed a small, ice-cream/squeezy toy and then the transmission screen went back to Planet Meekrob as Tenn screamed wildly on the transmission screen.</p>
      <p>"It's HORRIBLE! They've eaten <strong><em>everything</em></strong>!" She sobbed. "We're all doomed!" She cried in slow motion as a SIR ran by, on fire. "<strong>DOOOOOMED!</strong>"</p>
      <p>BA-BOOOM! A missile blew up the transmission screen she'd been using and she groaned as she lifted her head, which was now covered in soot as she watched the SIR units run rampant across the ruins of her eaten-up base.</p>
      <p>And then…</p>
      <p>HE came…</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Tak, the Hideous New Girl, Part 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>So don't-don't-don't! Let it be love-love-love! Cuz it hurts a lot...like it or not!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>TAK: THE HIDEOUS NEW GIRL, PT.1</strong>
</p>
<p>Tenn sat atop the little seat in Skoodge's Spittle Runner as he turned his head and smiled gently. "How are you doing?" He asked.</p>
<p>"I'm…I'm alright, I guess." She admitted.</p>
<p>"I'll take you back to the Massive, okay?" He informed her.</p>
<p>"I feel awful…I failed." Tenn whispered.</p>
<p>"It's not your fault, Tenn!" Skoodge insisted. "It was just a shipping mistake. It happens." He nodded his head comfortingly. "Just relax and I'll put the ship on autopilot."</p>
<p>He pressed a button on his control panel and the ship calmly whizzed through space as Skoodge approached the back of the ship, taking out a bunch of chilled ice-cream snack packs from a freezer and handing one of the packs to Tenn. "Enjoy."</p>
<p>Tenn nodded and happily opened the bag, and the two began popping the snacks into their mouths as the ship kept going on and on through the stars…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…a bird flew through the air, carrying a worm in it's mouth to give to it's beloved. Happy little cyborg squirrels danced around on windowsills. Children skipped happily down the sidewalk. Yes, love was in the air. It was a "happy" time. Unfortunately for one such woman…if you could CALL her that…this was NOT a happy time at all.</p>
<p>"No!" Ms. Bitters snarled as she looked at the phone in her gnarled hands. Dib and the other students looked at her with an interested expression as she shook her head to deny the piggish demands of the school board. "No! NOOO! You'll PAY for this one!" She snarled, slamming the phone angrily, making it catch on fire and explode as a soul arose from it, going out the window. The burning phone lowered itself into Ms. Bitter's desk and a covering closed behind it.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters took a long, deep sigh, then spoke. "Class, DESPITE my moral outrage…" She hissed, clenching her fingers like claws before the classroom. "Principal PIGLY! Is…" She took another deep breath. "Is going to allow you to celebrate Valentine's Day this year."</p>
<p>Alex leapt out of her seat, her eyes turning into heart shapes. Chunk ripped his desk from the floor and threw it out the window as he joined the cheering classmates around him. Zita, Mathew P. Mathers III, and Keef flew through the air, bouncing off the walls with joy. Melvin got out a balloon from his desk and held it up on it's string, it was heart-shaped and read "Happy Valentine's Day". Carl Snuck up behind Melvin and grabbed the edge of his underwear, pulling the undies right over his head and the balloon, sticking the balloon to his head.</p>
<p>Aki somersaulted across the floor, laughing as Gretchen jumped from empty desk to empty desk. A paper airplane soared through the air past Dib's head as Brian flicked balls of crumpled paper off his desk, laughing happily. Everyone was cheering and yelling happily. Nick smiled and took out a comb and brushed his hair back. Dib turned to look at him. "Hey, your hair's back to it's usual style…how'd you do it?"</p>
<p>"Hair gel. You wait for it to dry some, then you comb and brush it JUUUUST right…" Nick told him. "It's still orange, but I LOVE YOU ALL!" He then clamped his hands over his mouth. "Sorry, uh…Valentine's Day just makes me so gosh-darn-HAPPY!" He held up his arms. "Wanna hug?"</p>
<p>"…no thanks." Dib said.</p>
<p>"Mark my words, I WILL get a hug out of you before this Valentine's Day Special is over!" Nick swore, pointing upwards.</p>
<p>"What?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"Huh?"</p>
<p>"Say again?"</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters sighed. "Go ahead! Pass out your Valentine's meat slabs! It's traditional..." She mumbled.</p>
<p>The Letter M opened up the lid to a large box of meat that had been resting on the floor between his desk and Tae, and she began to pull out slabs of meat. In fact, EVERYONE opened up their desk, pulling out slabs of meat, save for Dib and Zim. Gretchen giggled nervously and walked over to Dib's desk with an arm FULL of meat slabs.</p>
<p>"Gee…thanks." Dib admitted happily.</p>
<p>"I left my meat at home. " Zim mumbled as Aki walked over to Zim with a tray full of heart-shaped meat. She put the tray on his desk and he nervously gulped. "Sorry, I…I sorta forgot it-GET THAT OUTTA MY FACE!" He yelled, smacking the tray and making the meat go all over her. Zim then cowered in fear as he flicked away one piece of meat that had landed on his desk and nervously shuddered.</p>
<p>Dib then raised a hand. "Ms. Bitters! I read that long ago back in the 70's and 80's people used to give out cards and candy on Valentine's Day."</p>
<p>"Ah, yes…back when Disco was still around?" Nick asked.</p>
<p>"OOH. Don't bring up Disco, I saw this old picture of my dad on roller skates and in this outfit…it's burnt into my head for LIFE." Dib shuddered.</p>
<p>"It's true, they used to pass out cards and candy." Ms. Bitters admitted.</p>
<p>"And back in MY dimension they still do! I think…" Nick placed a finger on his lip. "Boy I wish I could remember half the stuff I used to know before I got turned into a kid…"</p>
<p>"So how did the whole meat thing get started?" Dib asked Ms. Bitters.</p>
<p>"You don't wanna know." Ms. Bitters told him. She then sighed. "You know…I had a valentine once." She said nonchalantly. "Such big, STRONG tentacles he had…" She remarked as Gretchen kept piling the meat on Dib's desk.</p>
<p>Then an alarm went off and a red light came out of the ceiling, flashing madly as another new rotary phone emerged from Ms. Bitters' desk. She picked up the phone and listened intently.</p>
<p>"Ehh, another one?" She sighed, then hung the phone up quickly, then burnt it. TWO souls emerged in the air, and kissed each other before flying out the window. Ms. Bitters hissed at this, then spoke up, seeing that nobody was at their desk save for Zim, Dib, Spoo and Nick. ALL the desks, even Zim, had some meat on them. "To celebrate overcrowding in skool, a new student will be joining the class." Ms. Bitters informed them all.</p>
<p>FWOOOOOSH! A large, futuristic red jet…a PRIVATE LEER JET…landed outside of the school. It had a picture of a hotdog on the front and was labeled "DELISHUS WEENIE" in various places. All the kids gathered at the window as a girl walked out and quickly headed to the school building. It was then that a shadowy cat with red eyes and horn-like ears slithered up to the windowsill. It looked down at Dib, eyes narrowing and widening, then ghosted away. A moment later, with a flash of light…</p>
<p>SHE was there. Dark eyeliner. Purple/blue hair that fell down in locks, with eyes to match. A strange symbol on the front of her striped purple and dark purple long-sleeved shirt and a brown backpack with black boots that had silver straps…who WAS this girl?</p>
<p>"Hi! My name's Tak! I'm new here!" She announced as the jet's engines revved to life and the PRIVATE LEER JET off through the air.</p>
<p>"Hello, Tak!" All the children said in a monotone as the force of the PRIVATE LEER JET taking off knocked papers everywhere.</p>
<p>Tak calmly marched inside and clasped her hands together, smiling. "My dad's the head of the Deeelishus Weenie corportation! That was his jet out there in fact…AND…" She grinned and reched into her backpack, holding up a weenie. "I brought Valentine's Wieners for everyone, ha-ha-ha-ha!" She laughed.</p>
<p>Her backpack opened up and HUNDREDS of weenies shot out, piling in the center of the classroom and knocking the desks over. Everyone cheered and Keef, Alex, Penny, Sara, Aki and Melvin dove right into the pile!</p>
<p>"Yeah! WIENERS!"</p>
<p>"Lookit all the condiments on 'em!"</p>
<p>"So much meat!"</p>
<p>"I hurt small animals because I'm SICK!"</p>
<p>"Weiner's ROCK!"</p>
<p>The kids held up their wieners and danced around. <em><strong>"Wieners! Wieners! Wieners-Wieners-Wieners! Wieners! Wieners! Wieners-Wieners-Wieners!"</strong></em> They all sang out.</p>
<p>Tak hopped up onto Ms. Bitter's desk, holding up a sheet of paper. She cleared her throat, pointing at Zim. "Well, they're all for everyone 'cept THAT kid."</p>
<p>Zim shook his fist. "Weenies shmeenies! Zim needs no meats!" He swore.</p>
<p>"For him, I have prepared a POEM!" She said softly in her vaguely British accent.</p>
<p>Tak cleared her throat again and Sara giggled, taking a bite out of a weenie. "Looks like Zim has a girlfriend!" She teased.</p>
<p>Tak's hands shook angrily as she looked at Sara, tearing the poem right in half. "It's not NICE…to EMBARRASS people! You should apologize and…EAT YOUR ERASER!" She snarled, a bright purple/white light flashing in her eyes.</p>
<p>Sara's eyes went wide. "Yes Tak! I'm sorry Zim!" She said, taking a bite from a large eraser. Dib blinked in surprise as Tak put the two halves of the poem back together and began to read the poem.</p>
<p>"For longer than I can remember, I've been looking for someone like you..." She read off. Zim realized that not only had everyone stopped looking at Tak, they were now looking at HIM! "Someone with a head like yours and a torso too. Birds sing and you're gonna pay, the end!" She promptly dropped the pieces of paper and held up a pair of ribs covered in BBQ sauce. "Here's some meat covered in barbeque sauce!" She announced with an edge, tossing it at Zim.</p>
<p>PLORK! It hit his skin and he began to scream and smoke as Dib gawked at the sight of Zim falling out of his seat, gasping and screaming.</p>
<p>"Thanks, Tak. That was horrible." Ms. Bitters said in an appreciative tone. "Now, you'll need a place to sit." She pointed her finger at the students, specifically at ROB. "You! You're being transferred to the underground classroom!"</p>
<p>THWOOMP! His desk lowered into the ground…then rose back up. Sans Rob. Tak quickly rushed over and took his seat as Ms. Bitters pointed at Brian.</p>
<p>"And you! I'm just tired of you!" Ms. Bitters added. WHOOMP! Down HE went too! Dib blinked in surprise as Poonchy, Drinker of Hate walked into the classroom, hands above his head.</p>
<p>"I did it! I ran my first marathon!" He announced, his spongy/curly red hair bobbing in the air as he took Brian's seat. Zim ran around the back of the classroom, still yelling and screaming.</p>
<p>"Ms. Bitters! Are there really underground classes?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>"WHY DOES IT HUUURT?!" Zim screamed.</p>
<p>Ms. Bitters shrugged. "Sure, whatever…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim was inside of the transmission chamber of his lab, looking at the main transmission screen which showed his Tallest. Actually, they were life-size marionette puppets OF the Tallest, who were being controlled by the real Tallest from behind a light purple couch. The heads appeared to have been made from…snack boxes.</p>
<p>Zim, skin still smoking as, eyes bruised and battered addressed his leaders as GIR watched TV from a small screen nearby. "My Tallest, please excuse my appearance-"</p>
<p>"Dirt! Dirt!" The small TV screen shouted. Apparently it was "Dirt with Angel Wings", a soap opera GIR adored.</p>
<p>Zim ignored this. "I mean no disrespect. A new-"</p>
<p>GIR now grabbed the monitor screen and sobbed. "NOOO! You're not dirt!"</p>
<p>"BE QUIET!" Zim snapped. He turned his attention back to the main view screen. "My Tallest, a new child attacked me with meat! My conclusion: She's in love with me!" The Tallest giggled from behind the couch as Zim paced around. "This might prove valuable as I can us the child to learn more about human <strong>affection</strong>!"</p>
<p>Red made HIS marionette punch the head off of "Purple" and the real Purple lifted himself up from behind the couch, looking at the decapitated marionette.</p>
<p>"Heyyy…" He complained.</p>
<p>"...which from what I have been able to determine from my experiences so far on this "Valentine's Day" they have seems to be…pain-based." Zim went on.</p>
<p>Red quickly pushed Purple's head down so it rested over the decapitated marionette. Red then controlled the Purple puppet's arms, flailing them around as Purple rolled his eyes. "Yeah, um…that's great, Zim. Sounds great."</p>
<p>Red laughed and Purple frowned. "Hmph. Anyhow, don't worry, that's just my arms flailing and giggling…"</p>
<p>THWACK! Red made the Purple marionette punch Purple in the face. "OW!" Purple cried.</p>
<p>"STOP IT!"</p>
<p>THWACK!</p>
<p>"STOP IT!" Purple snapped again.</p>
<p>Zim rubbed his gloved claws together. "And once I am done with the child, I will destroy her!" He remarked. "And that sure would be neat!" He said cheerfully.</p>
<p>"Okay, Zim…" Purple went on as the marionette kept whacking him in the face. "Well, we have another call…"</p>
<p>And then the transmission went to static. Red and Purple laughed as Red patted Purple on the shoulder. "That was HILARIOUS, right?"</p>
<p>"Right!"</p>
<p>BEEP-BEEP!</p>
<p>"Oh!" Purple turned his head. "Is that…"</p>
<p>"Hey! We really <strong>do</strong> have another call!" Red realized as the viewscreen of the school showed off a female Irken who held her hands behind her back, a smug smile on her face…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…THE NEXT DAY…</p>
<p>On the playground, clouds lazily passed overhead as Dib and Tak sat on the edge, with Dib biting a piece from one of his many Valentine's Day meat slabs, offering some to Tak, who declined. Poor Gretchen watched the scene from a puddle and sobbed into her hankerchief. Keef patted her on the shoulder to comfort her as Dib kept talking to Tak.</p>
<p>Nick was calmly walking by on the air, singing "I'm a Believer". Dib and Tak blinked, noticing he was glowing like a living rainbow. "Yeah, he's got magical powers." Dib explained.</p>
<p>"<em>Fascinating</em>!" Tak remarked, raising her eyebrows.</p>
<p>Dib nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "To be honest, I can't believe you're interested, it's just… I'm not used to people being interested in my paranormal studies. As for Zim, well…" Dib didn't get to go any father, Zim rushed up and shoved Dib off the edge of the flat-topped fence he and Tak had been sitting on and into the bushes.</p>
<p>Dib groaned as Zim grinned. I have come to accept your feelings for me, I congratulate you for acknowledging my superiority in choosing me as your love pig."</p>
<p>A few seconds passed. "<strong>Feel honored!</strong>" Zim demanded.</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: Crickets chirping, a cat meowing, an lonely eagle screeching.</strong>
</p>
<p>Tak blinked as several moments passed, then pulled out some "Poop's Down Home-Style BBQ" sauce from her pocket, squirting it all over Zim. Zim immediately screamed and fell to the ground, going into spasms as smoke rose up from his body. "Maybe you really are an alien like Dib says. A horribly disguised, disgusting, <em>horrible</em> one." Tak remarked.</p>
<p>Zim fought through the pain (it was only SAUCE after all) and raised his fist in the air as he stood up in the puddle he was in. "NONSENSE! Despite his huuuuge head, the Dib monkey is quite stupid!"</p>
<p>"MY HEAD IS NOT BIG!" Dib yelled from the bushes.</p>
<p>"Now prepare your brain filthy beast of meat and hair." Zim promptly lifted Tak down from the ledge, holding her as gently as he could. "Your magical <strong>love</strong> adventure begins now!" He proclaimed, putting Tak down.</p>
<p>Tak looked him up and down, then laughed. Zim examined himself. "Heh? Hmm Is there something on my face?"</p>
<p>Not seeing anything to laugh at, Zim just started laughing too…so Tak shoved him. Then, when he wouldn't stop laughing, she took the nearby trashcan and shoved it over Zim, then kicked him away as Dib and Tak both laughed happily.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…And so the desperate struggle for Zim to gain Tak's affection began over the course of what would become a horrible, HORRIBLE week. Tak sat by herself in the cafeteria, with peas and mashed potatoes for a meal. Zim slid up next to her and offered a chocolate chip muffin, which actually she should have taken, even ZIM liked chocolate chip muffins. Instead she squirted him with orange juice and the muffin flew into the air, plopping next to her.</p>
<p>"CITRIC ACID…APTLY NAMED! GETTING…IN MY CIT-ING PLACE!" Zim screamed as Tak picked the muffin up and chewed it.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Tak opened up her locker, which had homework notes and a torn-in-half picture of a disguised Zim from the school yearbook inside…along with a slab of heart-shaped meat on it with a bow and note attached that said "To Tak, From Zim" and a sharp-toothed smiley face drawn in purple ink next to it.</p>
<p>Zim peeked at her from behind the grey school lockers and then hid behind the lockers, grinning at this success…</p>
<p>Then Tak grabbed him. He soon found himself being violently thrown of the front door of the skool with the meat strapped to his head, thanks to the bow. He screamed and his flesh sizzled and he ran for his house.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Tak sat in class, a big green, delicately wrapped present being presented to her from a mechanical claw that extended from a purple device Zim was hiding in his lap. Tak looked at the present, then at Zim.</p>
<p>In a matter of seconds the schoolchildren all left the classroom, Tak included…and Zim, who had had the present slammed over his head AND had the device's long mechanical claw wrapped around his body as he groaned and staggered out the doorway.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>...Tak was heading back to her home and Zim stood behind a wall at a street intersection, now VERY beat up from all his "romantic encounters", his hair ruined, bruises on his face, yet spirit still willing! He had some flowers in his hand, an apparently "tried and true" method that even the IRKEN race had done before. What he DIDN'T count on meeting as he stepped out to meet Tak…was that a vicious, growling attack dog would be there instead. Tak watched from the top of the wall as Zim raced for his life…</p>
<p>In the end, he ended up being stuck in mailbox AND getting fined for "interfering with United States government property" as Tak smirked and walked by him.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim tried to do nice things for her, like carrying all her schoolbooks. Unfortunately this backfired as well, he ended up DROPPING the enormous stack of books and one of them crashed on his head. Even in the cafeteria when he wasn't TRYING to woo Tak she would "demonstrate her affection" by dumping food on his head, making him scream.</p>
<p>SO…EVENTUALLY…</p>
<p>"You're doing it all wrong." Nick insisted, shaking his head as Dib looked down the school hallway at Tak. "You've got to show CHIVALRY. Do it old-school."</p>
<p>"Old school?" Zim looked confused.</p>
<p>"Look, it's very simple. You go up to her, get on one knee and say this…" Nick placed one hand over his chest. "Be mine, Valentine!" He said romantically. "Then you kiss her hand, and then you HUG her." He hugged Zim. "Like THIS!"</p>
<p>Zim blinked a few times, then pushed him away. "Alright! No hugging me! I'll try it."</p>
<p>"Good! See you later!" Nick said, walking off and heading out of school.</p>
<p>Well, Tak closed up her locker and waved goodbye to Dib, who said "See you tomorrow". She actually enjoyed hearing about his attempts to thwart Zim…it made him interesting. She then heard a clearing of a throat and turned around…</p>
<p>Zim took her hand, got down on one knee, and then said, as romantically as he could muster, "Be mine, Valentine!" And with that…SMOOCH!</p>
<p>He kissed her hand, and then promptly leapt up and hugged her tightly.</p>
<p>Tak immediately froze up. He'd…KISSED…and HUGGED her!</p>
<p>SOME TIME LATER…</p>
<p>Zim opened up the front door to his house. GIR was watching the "Acne Blast" commercial on TV and Nick was swinging from the ceiling fan. GIR blinked as he turned his head to look at his smoking master.</p>
<p>"You're on fire!" he said, pointing. "Just like the leprechaun in mah PANTS keeps telling me!"</p>
<p>"Am I? Ah well." Zim remarked. He stopped, dropped, and rolled around, then got back up, dusting himself off.</p>
<p>"Aw, you LISTENED!" Nick said happily.</p>
<p>"Yes, I did…she set my hair on fire with chili beans. You know, I feel I now know enough about this human affection called "love"."</p>
<p>He slammed the door. HARD.</p>
<p>"AND I <em>HATE</em> it! <em><strong>Especially</strong></em> the part with the beans!" He howled.</p>
<p>"Love bites, huh?" Nick asked. "I know how it feels. But you know, you're only FAKING it to play a role, you aren't really DOING it…" He added.</p>
<p>"What's the difference?" Zim asked.</p>
<p>"MAN you're cynical!" Nick remarked.</p>
<p>"Well to be honest…" Zim didn't finish. What had he been hoping? That maybe she would have liked him and had wanted to help him destroy Dib? That maybe she would actually…</p>
<p>…he just sighed. He only needed GIR, really, although…</p>
<p>"Why are you hanging from the ceiling fan anyhow?" Zim asked as Nick went around and around.</p>
<p>"Tryin' to see what it's like from the other side…well, I WAS…trying to see what it's like from the other side. Unfortunately I tied my leg too tightly. Now I can't feel it. I think I've cut off my circulation. I also taste COPPER…" Nick added, looking slightly green.</p>
<p>Zim rolled his eyes as he extended a mechanical spider leg from his PAK and cut Nick down. Nick landed hard and groaned, rubbing his head before going out the door, closing it behind him with a "See you later".</p>
<p>After a few minutes, Zim frowned deeply. "Our friend Tak is no longer useful to me!" Zim told GIR. The doorbell rang and a panel appeared on the door, a one-way mirror which allowed Zim to see outside. He looked through it and saw Tak was there, on the other end of the doorway. Perfect, he thought. Zim glanced over at GIR, who put on his doggy suit and zipped it up.</p>
<p>"Now my life is a hideous montage of humiliation and shame!" The TV announced.</p>
<p>Zim opened up the door and watched the strange, smooth cat which Tak called MIMI zoomed inside the house in a blur, stopping next to GIR and squinting her eyes before moving to Tak's side as the girl's eyes flashed.</p>
<p>"Oooo…kaaay…Tak, I'm glad you stopped by, it gives me a chance to end our hideous relationship." Zim remarked. He pulled a "love note" that read "Kick Me, Love Tak" from his pocket, ripping it up. "So now I can enjoy your shrill cry in having been rejected by Zim!" He remarked, tossing the pieces of the note up into the air.</p>
<p>Tak blinked, raising one eyebrow. "You have got... to be bloody kidding."</p>
<p>"I assure you, I am very serious." Zim remarked. "Now cry! Cry like you've never cried…before." He finished. "That…sounded more impressive in my head-START CRYING!" He demanded, clenching his fist and thrusting his head forward.</p>
<p>Tak began to laugh…evilly…insanely. She threw her head back, laughing horribly as an electronic humming noise filled the air. Suddenly Tak and MIMI's appearance became all static-y, and then…</p>
<p>Their TRUE forms were revealed. Tak was an IRKEN, a female Irken with deep purple eyes and a dark purple outfit with a purple/pink circle in the middle of the outfit. She had antennae that curled up in a square behind her head and a Telekinetic Amplifier in her head, a round device that was grey in color and somewhat small, almost looking like a clip. MIMI, in reality, was a SIR unit who had been modified…it had an overly large claw for a hand, and strange optic sensors.</p>
<p>"Wh…whah…YOU…you're IRKEN! What IS this?!" Zim gasped out.</p>
<p>"You're a bigger fool than I ever imagined." Tak remarked, placing her hands on her hips.</p>
<p>Zim "raised an eyebrow" in confusion. "Huh?"</p>
<p>"You're a bigger fool than I ever imagined."</p>
<p>"Eh?"</p>
<p>"You're confused." Tak decided. "So allow me to explain." She placed her gloved claws together. "You see, it 50 years ago on the Irken military training planet Devastis…"</p>
<p>FIFTY YEARS AGO…</p>
<p>Devastis was a large planet with a green hue to it, a swirling, gaseous moon orbiting it and many advanced training buildings scattered all over the planet. It had had advanced civilization living on it of warlike beings who had been all slain in the battle against the Irken Empire during Tallest Spork's brief reign.</p>
<p>Tak had been waiting YEARS to take her final test to become one of the Irken elite soldiers and should the need arrive, one of the invaders."</p>
<p>There was a long, tube-like structure where the Irken soliders all took the test and hundreds of Irkens were lining up stairways to go inside of it. One of the segments of this testing structure had none other than Tak, who adjusted one of her boots as she nodded to herself, confident as she stood in a dark-painted room.</p>
<p>Outside, Zim had run up to a pinkish/purple snack machine and felt in the mood for some munchies! A tube-like device slithered out of his PAK and shot out through the air and into the receptor of the snack machine. A small mechanical claw lifted up the snack, gripping it tightly, but…it got stuck. Zim's tube device retracted and Zim angrily kicked the snack machine to get it to release it's sugary treats.</p>
<p>Nothing.. Zim pounded on the machine in fury. STILL nothing. So he extended his welding tool from his PAK to cut into the snack machine…</p>
<p>But BOY that thing was tough! It would not open up. So Zim ran off…</p>
<p>And came back…with a MAIM BOT, a gargantuan, dark purple robot with large cannons for arms and taloned boots. He aimed one of the spiked cannons right at the snack machine and it blasted away! Naturally…this had consequences. Half the power on Devastis went out and the entire area that Zim and Tak had been in…was WRECKED. Tak ran to the door of the testing room and tugged on it desperately, but it was stuck.</p>
<p>"No! Nooo! Somebody help me! The door's stuck! I'll miss my test!" She cried out.</p>
<p>Zim calmly walked nearby, taking a bite from his snack food. "Mmmm! MMM! SNACK!"</p>
<p>"HELP!" HEEELP!" Tak cried out, pounding the door. But Zim didn't listen…he just walked off to enjoy his snack.</p>
<p>So Zim had blown out power for half the planet…though testing continued on the other side uninterrupted! Therefore, Tak found herself PLEADING to the Control Brain consulate on Devastis for another chance…but her ruling had been as such:</p>
<p>"You will have to wait another 70 years."</p>
<p>And so, Tak ended up on the desert-like and FILTHY Planet Dirty, placed on a janitorial squad. But Tak escaped, and began her search for the mysterious person who had caused the blackout and ruined her life!</p>
<p>PRESENT…</p>
<p>"I eventually tracked you to this horrible place and took that rich weenie human as my false father!" Tak remarked.</p>
<p>Zim, however, waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes, so you blame me for your horrible life, blah, blah, big deal! I'm not impressed with angst!"</p>
<p>Tak snarled. "This is about taking your <em><strong>mission</strong></em> Zim, not revenge!"</p>
<p>Zim gaped. "You're after revenge!?"</p>
<p>Tak's eyes narrowed. "No! It's not about revenge! It's about taking what is rightfully mine!" She insisted, shoving Zim back a few feet Zim and then advancing on him evilly. "<strong>I</strong> should've been an Invader!" She shoved him again. "<strong>I</strong> should've been part of the Great Assigning! <strong>I</strong> shouldn't HAVE to be stealing this planet from you!"</p>
<p>Zim lifted up his robot bee, eyes wide. "You're after my robot bee!"</p>
<p>Tak growled angrily. "NO! Listen to me! Listen... <em>carefully</em>!"</p>
<p>Zim rubs chin. "Do I <em>have</em> to?"</p>
<p>"YES!" She snarled.</p>
<p>Zim nodded his head. "Mmm-hmmm…" He rubbed his chin.</p>
<p>"I'm a better invader than you'll ever be! I blend in perfectly!" She bragged, placing her gloved claws on her chest. "The plan I have in store for this nasty rock will so impress the Tallest that they'll have no choice but to make me an invader!"</p>
<p>"What is this!? And what is this plan?" Zim gasped.</p>
<p>Tak laughed.</p>
<p>"Yes, yes, I'm a master of comedy, now tell me this plan!" Zim demanded.</p>
<p>"Part one involves crippling your base so you can only watch!" Tak laughed. She then shoved him to the floor, her claws clenching as she hissed evilly. <strong>"As I ruin your life!"</strong> She screeched.</p>
<p>MIMI leapt forward and glared at Zim, then her head opened up, releasing tiny nano-insects out into the wiring of Zim's ceiling. Electricity surged through the base and Zim gasped in horror.</p>
<p>"My beautiful base!"</p>
<p>"Part TWO is-"</p>
<p>"NO! My beautiful base! NO!" Zim cried as a wave of energy went through his base, completely ruining the computer systems.</p>
<p>"Part TWO is-"</p>
<p>"NO! My beautiful base! NO!"</p>
<p>"Part 2-"</p>
<p>"NO!"</p>
<p>"Part-"</p>
<p>"Part-"</p>
<p>"NOOOO!"</p>
<p>"He's not gonna stop." Mimi said, shrugging. She looked at her, then at Zim, then rolled her eyes.</p>
<p>"Okay, I'm-"</p>
<p>"NO!"</p>
<p>"Okay, I'm leaving now." Tak remarked.</p>
<p>"But you didn't tell me your plan." Zim muttered.</p>
<p>Tak shook her head and muttered "Idiotic defective." Then she extended her OWN laser/welding tool from her PAK and they BLASTED an ENORMOUS bright green laser beam through the front of the house as GIR leapt away, no longer in disguise. As chunks of flaming base fell down in front of Zim's gaze, Tak hopped backwards through the air as her spider legs retracted into her PAK. She fluidly waved her arm and vanished using a cloaking field as MIMI transformed back into a cat, somersaulted backwards through the air, then sliced all of Zim's garden gnomes to pieces…</p>
<p>And making GIR's head pop off. Yes…the cutting edge was THAT large.</p>
<p>Zim blinked a few times, trying to process everything that had just happened and trying not to panic.</p>
<p>Then the robot bee he had flew out the open hole and he lost it, shaking his fist in the air and wailing. <em>"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"</em></p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… Tak rubbed her hands gleefully together as she made her way to her secret base, heading inside the main control room. It was a circular room with several computers littering the sides and a large display screen at the front, with a red and reddish/brown paintjob and a communications console at the front.</p>
<p>Also, as is common with big, fancy Irken control rooms, there was a snack machine to the side. MIMI approached it and got a large candy bar from the machine by sticking it's normal-sized hand into a slot, and she brought it over to her master, who happily bit into it. "Ah, everything's going…GULP. According to plan." She announced.</p>
<p>"Zim is going to be coming after you though." A voice spoke up.</p>
<p>She turned around to see an albino human, complete with white hair and pink eyes, standing there and leaning against the railings that led to the main control panel. "Who are you? How did you get in here, human?!" She demanded. Then her eyes narrowed. "Wait…I've SEEN you before…you're White. That guidance counselor…that THIEF I've seen on the intergalactic news!"</p>
<p>"My reputation precedes me." White remarked, shrugging.</p>
<p>"What do you want?" She inquired, antennae twitching.</p>
<p>"I enjoy having…fun." White said. "And to be honest I'm in the mood for spicing things up with Zim." He held up a large hock of ham and grinned. "I have…methods…that might be useful to you with my powers over chaos."</p>
<p>Tak rubbed her chin. "What sort of methods?"</p>
<p>"You want Zim dead…I want some interesting action. I think…we can come to a compromise…" White said, tossing the ham in the air. He raised his arms up as his body glowed with a bright pink aura, his eyes turning totally pink. With a large smirk and a roar, the energy surged into the ham, and it began to CHANGE into something MORE…</p>
<p>"...a new TOY…" Tak realized. She grinned. "I LIKE IT!" She laughed happily.</p>
<p>"I won't let you use it!"</p>
<p>They turned their heads to see Nick was there in the doorway, pointing melodramatically, eyes narrowed. "In the name of puppies, happy thoughts and all that's good and holy, I'm gonna…well…I can't actually HIT you since you ARE in fact a GIRL, so I'll beat up your freaky thing made of HAM instead and-"</p>
<p>SCHWIK!</p>
<p>THWUNKA!</p>
<p>"AAA!" Nick screamed and grabbed his cheek. "YEOW!" He then staggered out the door, fell down the staircase that had led to it and ended up falling clear out of a window with a loud groan. White blinked.</p>
<p>"You threw a KNIFE?" He asked.</p>
<p>"You have NO idea how useful these things can be." She said, holding up a knife and waving it in the air. "Now then…" She pointed upward. "On we go, my ham demon…to destroy Zim!"</p>
<p>"For revenge!" White added.</p>
<p>"It's NOT about revenge." Tak insisted quickly.</p>
<p>"Oh."</p>
<p>There was naught but silence for a few minutes as they all looked at each other.</p>
<p>"…yes it is." White remarked.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. Tak, the Hideous New Girl, Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <em>Well you ruined my life...you were never our friend! And now all I can hope is that I never see...you again! Taaaaak! You make me wish I was dead! Taaaaak! You threw a knife at my HEAD, yeaaah!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>TAK: THE HIDEOUS NEW GIRL, PT.2</strong>
      </p>
      <p>It had been two hours since Tak had ruined his base. Zim was morosely sitting on the couch in his wrecked home, hanging his head and holding onto it's sides, groaning and moaning. "My beautiful baaaase…my beeeeauuuutiful base…"</p>
      <p>A disguised GIR gave him a massage on the back, playing him like a drum as Nick stood there in the wreckage of the living room, shrugging, a band aid on his right cheek from where Tak had hit him. "It's not THAT bad." Nick insisted.</p>
      <p>"Okay, "Optimist Prime", how are things not BAD?" Zim demanded to know.</p>
      <p>"The TV survived!" Nick said, jabbing his thumb backwards.</p>
      <p>KRACK! KRA-KRAAAACK!</p>
      <p>Then a large tube that had been up in the ceiling fell down and crushed the TV, destroying it. This immediately made both Zim AND GIR break into tears.</p>
      <p>"Well…you're ALIVE." Nick said at last. "Where there is life, there is hope!"</p>
      <p>Zim's head shot up. "…you're right…as long as I still live…I can AVENGE the loss of my base and figure out Tak's sinister plan!" He shouted, standing up on his couch and holding his fists in the air.</p>
      <p>"Maybe if you just apologized, the whole thing would go away. I mean, you did ruin her chances for becoming an Invader." Nick requested.</p>
      <p>"Zim does not APOLOGIIIIZE!" Zim shouted. "Besides even if I did, do you HONESTLY think she'd take it?"</p>
      <p>"Well…yeah!" Nick said, shrugging. "I mean, how seriously mad can she be?"</p>
      <p>"RUUAAAARRRR!"</p>
      <p>Zim and GIR turned their heads to look right outside the house and Zim's eyes bugged out as GIR pointed at the thing they were staring at. "Mad 'nuff to send a biiiig ham demon!"</p>
      <p>"Ham…demon?" Nick asked, turning his head.</p>
      <p>It looked like a ham-hock gone muscular, with cow-heads for shoulders, thick, gloved hands of three meaty fingers that had a pig's picture on the front, beady red eyes and fangs…</p>
      <p>And, for some COMPLETELY strange reason, two red flags sticking out of it's head with the gold words "HAM!" written on them. There was also a band-aid on it's head for another strange reason.</p>
      <p>"Aw, DANG." Nick remarked.</p>
      <p>BAM! It backhanded him through the house and then grabbed GIR, promptly stuffing it into it's mouth, making GIR go "WEEE". Zim's eyes went wide and the Ham Demon roared, running off….</p>
      <p>He could hear Tak laughing in the distance. Zim growled angrily and shook his fists in the air. "WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, MY HOUSE WON'T BE THE ONLY THING THAT'S BROKEN!"</p>
      <p>And so…we begin the musical number as Zim attempted to chase after Tak!</p>
      <p>
        <strong>BGM: Everything You Know is Wrong, by Weird Al</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Zim looked left and right as he prepared to cross the road, seeing a smirking Tak waving on the other side. Then he heard a growl and saw the ham demon was right behind him! He shrieked and ran right down the road…AGAINST TRAFFIC.</p>
      <p>Yelping madly, he rushed down the road as car after car honked their horns and arms were shaken in anger. In that one incident he heard more Earth swears in a few minutes than he'd ever heard before!</p>
      <p>At last he turned around to see how close the ham demon was and he sighed to see that it wasn't chasing him anymore. He smiled and turned around…</p>
      <p>As a TRUCK hit him, sticking him to the windshield. He screamed madly before the trucker nonchalantly activated the windshield the wipers which knocked ihm clear into some bushes nearby.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Eeeeeeverything you know is wrong! </strong>
        </em>
        <em>
          <strong>Black is white, up is down and short is long!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Eeeeeeverything you know is wrong, just forget the words and sing along!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>All you need to understand is eeeeeeverything you know is wrooooong!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Zim, who had SOMEHOW gotten ahold of a large harpoon, chased after the Tak through the mall, knocking Slab Rankle over as they made their way past people to the escalator…</p>
      <p>The UP escalator. The chase basically didn't go any further than that for the next few moments as Zim angrily waved the harpoon over his head with Tak huffing and puffing. Slab Rankle, irritated, held up a remote that launched them BOTH up the escalator and clear through the air.</p>
      <p>Zim groaned and held his head as he looked around. Tak was hiding, posing in the window of a "Vickie Doesn't Got Any More Secrets" women's lingerie store. Zim walked by the store, looking left and right, eyes narrowing. Then she SNEEZED.</p>
      <p>Zim turned on Tak, frowning…and the MANNEQUINS next to the demon hopped out and ran off, taking Zim's harpoon away. He yelled and chased after them as the Tak sniggered and calmly walked off.</p>
      <p> </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Eeeeeeverything you know is wrong! Black is white, up is down and short is long!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Eeeeeeverything you know is wrong, just forget the words and sing along!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>All you need to understand is eeeeeeverything you know is wrooooong!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p> </p>
      <p>Gaz calmly walked down the street with a letter to her pen pal, "Mandy" that she was about to put into a mailbox. But when she opened up the mailbox she saw that Zim was hiding inside. He put a single claw to his lip and went "shh". Gaz blinked as she saw the ham demon approach, looking left and right.</p>
      <p>"Looking for Zim?" She asked.</p>
      <p>The ham demon nodded. Gaz then pointed at the mailbox. Zim "eeped" and the ham demon picked up the mailbox, shaking it over and over and making him fall out. Zim then screamed and ran down the street at top speed as Gaz sniggered and the ham demon chased after him.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Eeeeeeverything you know is wrong!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Black is white, up is down and short is long!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>And everything you used to think was so important</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Doesn't really matter anymore because the simple fact remains that</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Eeeeeeverything you know is wrong, just forget the words and sing along!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>All you need to understand is eeeeeeverything you know is wrooooong,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Everything you know is wrooooooong!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>SOON…</p>
      <p>Zim faced down the ham demon after a long and harrowing chase and took up a fighting position, holding up a large laser. "I'm calling you out…" He growled. "FEAR MY FURY!"</p>
      <p>He shot the laser through the air but it went clear over the ham demon's head and sailed into a building…</p>
      <p>"Nothing….left…to live for!" Rob Hummel sobbed, standing at the window. He opened it up and-</p>
      <p>BOOOOOOOM!</p>
      <p>He was violently propelled BACKWARDS, right into the hallway. A loud CRACK noise was heard. As it would turn out, he'd killed the man who had just told him he was fired. Therefore, he still had his job! Isn't it funny the way that life worked out on Earth?</p>
      <p>Zim cursed violently. "Fraggle-braggle!" He swore. He fired off another round. This time it actually hit the ham demon square in the head and, oddly, some PHOTOS popped out of it's mouth, flying into Zim's face. He looked them over and stuffed them in his pocket just as the Ham Demon advanced on him and grabbed him before he could fire off another round. It snatched the laser from his hands and tossed it through the air, then slammed Zim into the ground. "ARGH!" The Irken roared out.</p>
      <p>The demon then picked him back up again and began crushing him in one of it's gloved hands. But luckily Zim was now close to one of the flags in it's head. He grabbed it and swung hard, and it struck the demon square in the face, making him spit out GIR, drop Zim and roar in pain. The ham demon reeled backwards and landed hard, pushing the flag on it's head clear through it's brain, thus making it explode in a small black mushroom cloud.</p>
      <p>GIR, who was now standing on his head, made a "Doo-da-doo" triumphant noise and squeaked happily as Zim dusted himself off, getting back up.</p>
      <p>"What a horrible adventure with that Ham Demon! Woo!" He remarked. "But, I've made no progress in figuring out what Tak's plan is. The base is still repairing itself, and the only other person with the facilities to find her is…ERRR…" He grit his teeth. "NO! I won't even consider it!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…he had considered it. And gone through with it.</p>
      <p>Zim was in the kitchen as Prof. Membrane poured himself and Zim some drinks. Naturally, when Dib walked in to see them talking, he was VERY surprised.</p>
      <p>"But that's just the way it worked out. I mean, I probably could have been an actor."</p>
      <p>"Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean." Zim admitted, pretending to drink the drink.</p>
      <p>"Zim!" Dib gasped.</p>
      <p>"Good morning, son! Your little foreign friend is here to see you!" Prof. Membrane remarked.</p>
      <p>"Dad, that's an ALIEN!" Dib groaned. He pointed at Zim. "ALIEN!"</p>
      <p>"Of course he is!" Prof. Membrane laughed. "You two have fun." He said, exiting the kitchen.</p>
      <p>"What's going on, Zim!?" Dib demanded.</p>
      <p>"It seems the enemies have a common enemy: Tak! She's Irken and she's after my job and your planet!" Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>Dib rolled his eyes. "Oh come on! I <strong>like</strong> Tak! And she <strong>hates</strong> you! You're just jealous of-"</p>
      <p>Zim hopped onto the table. "This has nothing to do with <strong>jelly</strong>! I've been trying to figure out her plan but it's been difficult! She's GOOD. Not good like me, but good."</p>
      <p>Dib frowned. "This is just STUPID-"</p>
      <p>"48 hours of trailing Tak and all I could come up with are these photos I wrestled off that Ham Demon." He pulled out some photos. "They're of a giant evil weenie stand her father constructed. But that's nothing important…" He added.</p>
      <p>Dib took the photos from Zim, examining them. "HMMM. Giant weenie stand. WEIRD, yeah, but it doesn't say anything about Tak. Giant weenie stand..." He nodded his head. "That's worth a look."</p>
      <p>"A LOOK? Argh!" Zim tugged on his fake hair. "I knew this was a bad idea! She'll destroy your world!"</p>
      <p>Gaz entered the kitchen, drinking some Poop Cola.</p>
      <p>"I can't believe your even saying stuff like that!" Dib muttered.</p>
      <p>"Your voices are making me sick!" Gaz snapped as she shook up her soda.</p>
      <p>"When your world is a smoking ruin you'll wish it had been ME who did it!" Zim swore, pointing at them all.</p>
      <p>Gaz promptly sprayed him with the soda, making smoke rise from his body. He screamed and rolled off the table in pain as Dib smiled. "Thanks Gaz!" Dib said as Zim jumped out the window, screaming about how he had been burnt. "He was really-"</p>
      <p>She sprayed HIM too.</p>
      <p>SOMETIME LATER…</p>
      <p>Gaz walked up to the ENORMOUS gigantic, weenie-shaped hotdog stand…which had a small service window. The stand itself looked like a big, smilin' weenie with weenies for arms…aww, what a big, HAPPY weenie!</p>
      <p>"Deelishus Weenie!" The service window worker announced. He wore a weenie-crown atop his head and fake wieners on his shoulders.</p>
      <p>"Hi. "Gaz said.</p>
      <p>"Uhhh, what'll it be?" The man asked her.</p>
      <p>"Be quiet." She snapped. "I wanted to let you know that my brother is trying to break into this building through some secret entrance."</p>
      <p>"Uhh, we have chili beans!" The employee remarked.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Dib had not only taken advantage of the service window to get a nice hot dog (they weren't called "Deelishus Weenie" for nothing) but he was also using a pump-like gun that was strapped to his waist to shoot pegs into the wall. A wire went through each peg and tied itself around Dib as he climbed higher and higher.</p>
      <p>"I just thought it'd be kinda funny to see him get beaten up by security." Gaz remarked to the service window employee.</p>
      <p>"Umm, I... Ya know, I don't think there is a secret entrance. I work here and this is all I've seen." The man announced.</p>
      <p>Gaz finally addressed the "elephant in the room". "This place is kinda big for a hot dog stand, dontcha think?"</p>
      <p>The employee poked his head out the window. "Huh…WOAH." His eyes widened. "You know, now that I think of it…" He scratched his head. "There is that secret entrance around back where they deliver all that alien looking machinery! Mmmm..."</p>
      <p>Dib, meanwhile, had now reached that exact place WHERE alien machinery went inside! He clung to the edge of the wide opening, dropping his hot dog and special wall-scaling device…alas, the loss to science. He slid down into the opening of the wall and fell on top of a box , finding a HUGE, advanced area where large hovering mechanical devices were carrying around strange alien parts to some big machine in the enormous purple-tinted hallway. It was like some enormous alien warehouse!</p>
      <p>"Ow, wow…what IS this place?" He whispered in awe.</p>
      <p>Gaz, who appeared on the catwalk he'd landed on, walked up, hotdog in hand, with Nick sipping on a root beer next to her. "It's a hotdog stand." She remarked coyly.</p>
      <p>"Gaz!? How did you get-"</p>
      <p>"Me." Nick said, jabbing his thumb at himself. "I may be a kid now, but great power still remains!"</p>
      <p>"Then why haven't you turned yourself back to normal?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"…I said GREAT power, not ALL my power." Nick remarked. "Also I finally lost that ten pounds!" He added cheerfully, pointing at his stomach.</p>
      <p>"What could Tak be up to?" Dib mused. "Maybe she plans to enslave all of the city into buying her meat and wants to turn them into zombies, mindlessly following orders, not knowing what they do and not caring!"</p>
      <p>"Like politicians?" Nick laughed. This got a smirk from Gaz.</p>
      <p>Determined to discover the full truth, Dib pulled out a video camera, shrugging and began to record all of what he was seeing. But then TAK appeared, in her human disguise, going up to the catwalk on a hover platform. "No pictures…<em>please</em>!" She said wittily.</p>
      <p>"Tak? What!? Um, look-" Dib said quickly, hiding his camera behind his back. "I can explain!"</p>
      <p>"No need!" Tak insisted. "In a second you won't even remember having seen ANY of this!" She remarked simply.</p>
      <p>Tak's eyes flashed that strange light…but nothing happened. Gaz finished her hotdog as Nick held up the gone remains of his root beer and focused, singing "Burning Love" under his breath as the soda caught on fire and burnt into a crisp.</p>
      <p>"Hmmm. You must be smarter than the rest of them! Well there's no way your little friend from class can handle my hypnotic implant!" Tak bragged.</p>
      <p>Her eyes flashed at Nick, who dusted some soot off his blue Hawaiian t-shirt.</p>
      <p>"You don't want to remember this." Tak suggested silkily.</p>
      <p>"I…don't…want to remember this…" Nick murmured.</p>
      <p>"You don't want to fight me."</p>
      <p>"I don't…wanna fight you…"</p>
      <p>"You want to go home and take the intruders with you."</p>
      <p>"I want to take the intruders and…DO THIS!" Nick promptly reached down and hugged Gaz and Dib happily, a little heart rising above his head.</p>
      <p>Tak blinked stupidly. "Wh-WHAAAAT?"</p>
      <p>"You must think I'm PRETTY dumb to fall for THAT trick!" Nick laughed. "I may not be smart, but I'm not STUPID!" He said, letting go of Gaz and Dib. "TOLD you I'd hug you eventually!" He told Dib.</p>
      <p>"Why aren't you dooming him?" Dib asked Gaz.</p>
      <p>"He paid for the hot dog." Gaz said simply.</p>
      <p>"Ah-HA! Yes, Dib, let's see about your <strong>sister</strong>!" Tak mused.</p>
      <p>Tak's eyes flashed. Gaz, however, was not only UNAFFECTED, she shook up her soda and shot a blast of cola goodness straight at Tak. Tak screamed as smoke rose from behind her…</p>
      <p>Just…like…an Irken.</p>
      <p>Dib's eyes went wide. "So it's true…YOU'RE behind this?!"</p>
      <p>"No HE is." Tak said, pointing to the side and down at a containment tube that had the goatee and weenie-crown-wearing Deelishus Weenie President, who was giving a cheery thumbs up as weenies floated around his in-suspended-animation body. "Or at least his resources. I only let him out when I need to keep up appearances, kind of like Zim's robot parents. Only good."</p>
      <p>"GOOD? You're not up to anything GOOD!" Nick remarked. "Dib honestly LIKED you, and you're trying to destroy his planet!"</p>
      <p>"Yeah, you can't do this!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>"I can, Dib. And I will." Tak said simply. "You know it's too bad, I actually enjoyed having someone on my intellectual level to talk to…but my plan comes before my fondness for anyone, yourself included." She explained.</p>
      <p>"You're NOT getting away with this!" Nick went on. "I'll stop you with my magic powers!"</p>
      <p>Tak quickly flung something through the air and Nick grabbed his cheek. "AAA! ANOTHER KNIFE IN THE CHEEK!" He yelled, rolling around the catwalk. "JESUS CHRIIIIST!" He screamed, tugging the long knife out as marshmallow fluff dribbled out, much to their surprise. "It's all the happy thoughts." He explained.</p>
      <p>"People will know something's up! I mean look at this place, it's enormous!" Dib said, stretching his arm out at everything.</p>
      <p>Tak looked very smug. "The great thing about your people, Dib, is that most of them <strong>don't</strong> notice."</p>
      <p>"She's right. I think it's all the bad cafeteria food they feed you in the cafeteria. Dumbs down your brain." Nick said, gesticulating.</p>
      <p>"All your people see is another faceless corporate venture, not a plan for world conquest." Tak went on.</p>
      <p>"Wait, is there <strong>really</strong> a difference?" Dib inquired.</p>
      <p>"Hmm…good point." Tak admitted. But before they could honestly get into a debate on the subject…</p>
      <p>BA-WHOOOM! A pink laser blast surged through the wall and there, hovering behind him, was Zim, in his disguise.</p>
      <p>"It's over, Tak!" He said, hopping into the large room. "The Earth is <strong>mine</strong> to devastate! And I already promised the moon to GIR."</p>
      <p>"Awwwww!" Nick smiled. "That's sweet…yet somehow vaguely creepy."</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. "Zim! How did you know we'd be here?"</p>
      <p>"I placed a tracking device on you!" Zim said proudly.</p>
      <p>"Tracking device?" Dib looked around at his body.. "Where!? Huh!? Huh!?</p>
      <p>GIR, out of his disguise, suddenly popped up on the back of his head. "Your head smells like a puppy! I WIKE you!" He announced, hopping off his head and saluting Zim before returning to normal.</p>
      <p>"How'd you get on my head?!" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"GIR can see like GODS do." Nick spoke in a creepy voice.</p>
      <p>"…that doesn't answer my question…"</p>
      <p>"YES IT DOES." Nick said quickly.</p>
      <p>"I'm sorry, THIS…THIS is Earth's great hope?" Tak asked, looking at them with an amused expression. "If you think this is anything that can be stopped, let's see you stop it! You won't keep me from keeping my promise to the Tallest! MIMI! Attaaaaack!"</p>
      <p>MIMI, still in disguise, slid out of a nearby tube and landed right in the center of the little group, knocking GIR away. She spun around quickly and in an instant was transformed, and now holding Dib up in her enormous claw hand, lifting him off the ground. She tossed him in a disposal vent nearby and Dib fell ALL the way down, making Zim snicker…</p>
      <p>Until MIMI turned on HIM. He quickly ran backwards. "AAA! The MIMI!" He screamed. "Hey, Cool it, Tak!"</p>
      <p>Tak began to giggle evilly. "Lady, you are one TWISTED sister!" Nick shouted.</p>
      <p>THWUCKA!</p>
      <p>"AAA! MY FOREHEAD!" Nick yelled, rolling off the catwalk. BANG!</p>
      <p>"…I'm okay!" He called out.</p>
      <p>BOOOM! Tak pushed a box over the edge. "Now I'm not." He groaned out.</p>
      <p>MIMI, meanwhile, had missed Zim, but had grabbed GIR instead and had thrown him at Zim, who was now in the Voot Cruiser. The cruiser was struck hard and they all crashed down below as Tak's ship rose up: a modified Spittle Runner that she had created, along with MIMI, from spare parts on Dirt. Smirking, Tak ran to her ship, her disguise vanishing as she leapt in with a spin.</p>
      <p>MIMI, meanwhile, tried to attack Gaz, but Gaz simply sprayed HER with soda and MIMI was slammed against the wall, a computer chip flying out. She spun around rapidly, transforming back into her cat disguise and then quickly ran back up the tube she'd come from as Gaz held aloft the chip…</p>
      <p>Dib, meanwhile, had bounced out of the dumpster he landed in, which was by the service window Gaz had been at before. The crashed Voot Cruiser had fallen nearby and GIR rubbed his eyes as Zim staggered out of the wrecked ship. Dib pointed angrily at Zim. "UGH! You ruined everything, Zim! I was about to find out what her plan was!"</p>
      <p>Zim put his "hands" on his chest. "ME?! You're the one who refused to-" Then he noticed that Gaz was next to him.</p>
      <p>"Hey, what's THIS thing? It popped outta that other robot's skull."</p>
      <p>"That's a SIR unit's memory disk! It probably has Tak's plan all over it!" Zim realized. He was about to grab it, but Dib jumped in the way.</p>
      <p>"No way, it's OURS!" He said, pushing Zim back. "Back off!"</p>
      <p>Zim frowned. "I'M the only one here with the technology to decode the files!"</p>
      <p>"And WE'RE the only ones here with the files to be decoded." Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>"And I'm…ha-ha-ha!" GIR laughed. "I dunno!"</p>
      <p>"I'm in massive pain because of a…" Nick took a deep breath and kissed his cross necklace…then swore violently, clenching his fists and shaking them in the air. <strong>"FRIGGIN' SLUT, PYSCHO BITCH, DIRTY ROTTEN FREAKING WITCH!"</strong></p>
      <p>Gaz sprayed HIM with a soda. He blinked a few times. "…thanks. I needed that."</p>
      <p>"Your base, our disk, Zim. Let us see the base." Dib said softly.</p>
      <p>"Fine, but as soon as we destroy Tak… <em><strong>I'm gonna feed your brains to my robot!</strong></em>" He growled as he and Dib butted heads.</p>
      <p>"DEAL." Dib growled.</p>
      <p>"Yay! Brains!" GIR laughed.</p>
      <p>Gaz grinned. Nick rolled his eyes. "Can we cut to the base now?</p>
      <p>WOOSH!</p>
      <p>And so we cut to Dib, Gaz, Zim, GIR and Nick in the elevator lowering down to the purple-painted transmissions room. The two-eyed Irken symbol was displayed on the large transmissions screen as Gaz looked at the many long wires leading up to the control panel.</p>
      <p>"Huh... This is your base!?" Gaz asked in an unimpressed tone.</p>
      <p>Zim, who was no longer disguised, frowned. " Don't touch anything... or I'll melt your face off or something!"</p>
      <p>"You won't do anything and you know it!" Nick laughed.</p>
      <p>They walked along a mechanical walkway to the control platform, which retracted once they'd reached the said platform. Zim placed the SIR disk inside of a slot on the crescent-shaped control panel and placed two prods on the top. Nothing happened.</p>
      <p>"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the "Superior" Irken Empire." Nick remarked.</p>
      <p>"RRRR!" Zim whacked it and sure enough, a transmission began playing on the screen, showing an undisguised Tak laid bare for all to see.</p>
      <p>"My leaders, I offer you a gift to prove me worthiness as an Invader."</p>
      <p>"Hmm, purple eyes?" Dib asked. "That's kind of cool!"</p>
      <p>"Yeah, isn't it?" Zim said, eager to brag about the Irken race. "They also come in Maroon, Red, Blue, Green, Pink…"</p>
      <p>"You don't have hypnotic powers though, do you?" Gaz asked.</p>
      <p>"…of…COURSE I do!" Zim muttered. "That's why none of your classmates see through my disguise!"</p>
      <p>"Liar!" GIR laughed.</p>
      <p>"Good boy!" Nick said, patting GIR on the head.</p>
      <p>"TRAITOR!" Zim hissed.</p>
      <p>Then the recording showed an image of Earth, complete with a rotating moon. In fact, it showed the interior molten center of the Earth, with a pipe pumping out molten rock.</p>
      <p>"I have created a magma pump to hollow out the Earth's molten core."</p>
      <p>"Hey, <strong>I</strong> could do that!" Zim snapped.</p>
      <p>"Suuuuure you could." Gaz remarked.</p>
      <p>"Once empty…AND chilled…I'll fill the planet with snacks as an offering to my Tallest." Tak went on as an image of snacks filling the empty center of the Earth was shown.</p>
      <p>"Your leaders are just <strong>taller</strong> than everyone else?" Dib asked, looking mortified.</p>
      <p>"Hey, remember, before I got turned into a kid I was 6'3, which makes me a LOT more respectable than you in your culture." Nick interjected. "AND I'm still at LEAST three inches taller than all of you!" He added.</p>
      <p>"Okay, fine, fine…"</p>
      <p>"And look at it this way…this way, ANYBODY could become the leader of a mighty empire." Nick said.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, I can picture it. The mailman, that annoying guy that waves to me every day in the cafeteria, the lunch lady, those kids who will eat dog feces for ten bucks…" Gaz spoke up.</p>
      <p>"Okay, so it's a REALLY screwed up system." Nick admitted.</p>
      <p>"HEY!" Zim snapped. "That's MY system you're insulting!"</p>
      <p>"Are they that red and purple duo I saw in the illusion center when you cruelly tricked me into thinking everything I ever dreamed of came true?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"Yeeeep." Zim said, nodding.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>BGM: Sad violin music as Dib's eyes watered for a moment</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"That's them. Red and Purple." Nick admitted.</p>
      <p>"…their names. Are Red. And Purple. And their head ship…is called "The Massive"." Dib asked in a deadpan tone.</p>
      <p>"And that machine that Zim tried to beat you up with was called the "MegaDoomer" and the place you tuned into one night? To hear Red and Purple bragging about how they were gonna conquer the galaxy? They called the planet "Conventia", the "Convention Hall Planet"." Nick added.</p>
      <p>"GEEZ you people are unimaginative!" Dib remarked to Zim, who glared at him in a baleful fashion.</p>
      <p>"You never even considered Earth valuable at all, but I shall make it valuable!" Tak went on in the recording.</p>
      <p>"She stole this plan from ME!"</p>
      <p>"No she didn't!" GIR remarked.</p>
      <p>"BE QUIET!" Zim yelled angrily. "I'm not having a good week at all!"</p>
      <p>"YOU'RE not having a good day? I had a KNIFE thrown into my head THREE TIMES in the last 48 hours!" Nick complained.</p>
      <p>"And a robot threw ME down a garbage chute!" Dib added.</p>
      <p>"I have to put up with all your whining." Gaz said.</p>
      <p>"…okay, you win." Nick conceded. He held out a gold medal. "Here's your medal."</p>
      <p>Gaz snatched it out of his hands and stuffed it in her pocket as the ground began to shake before suddenly stopping.</p>
      <p>"Her plan is <strong>starting</strong>!" Dib gasped.</p>
      <p>"Computer!" Zim yelled, pointing upward.</p>
      <p>"WHAAAT?"</p>
      <p>"Ready the Voot! I must stop Tak! Her little <strong>joke</strong> has gone far enough!" Zim said. The walkway extended back to the control panel and Zim headed off.</p>
      <p>"Wait! You have to drop me off at the weenie stand! Someone has to shut the pump off!" Dib yelled, following after him.</p>
      <p>"Fine, but you hafta sit in the back!"</p>
      <p>"Are there any video games around here?" Gaz asked.</p>
      <p>"NO, NOT REALLY."</p>
      <p>Gaz kicked the air angrily. "I <strong>guess</strong> I'll help save the Earth then!"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, a long line of people had gathered in front of the service window of the Deelishus Weenie stand. Unfortunately as one man ordered his two hot dogs, ANOTHER earthquake hit, and all of the customers began to fall over, surprised at what was going on: the smiley face head of the top of the stand retracted into the large building, it's two arms pointing downwards and opening up.</p>
      <p>On the streets, people were amazed and horrified at what was going on. The arms were no longer "connected" to the body but were now pointing downward as metal stands revealed themselves to be running through the arms to link them to the large building. Customers watched in amazement, among them Poonchy, who was swimming ina nearby kiddy pool that had been set up in the line.</p>
      <p>"Boy, what a sight, huh?" Poonchy asked DL, who stood behind him.</p>
      <p>"…" DL slapped his face and scrunched his unseeing eyes shut in anger as he grit his teeth, wishing there were some TREES nearby or something…</p>
      <p>"Deelishus Weenie!" The service window employee yelled, climbing out of the window in horror as the front of the stand opened up to reveal an upside-down, curled version of the Irken symbol. On the top of the stand a large cannon-tube had grown out and the weenies, which had pointed downwards, extended hollow tubes into the ground to make lava flow up to the main tube.</p>
      <p>Dib and Zim were flying in the Voot Cruiser as Nick's watch played "Higher", his body covered in a rainbow aura. The floor under Dib opened up in the cruiser and he fell down, though Nick caught him in his arms.</p>
      <p>"THERE!" Zim yelled, pointing at Tak, who stood at the edge of the main tube, her claws raised to the sky as she cackled evilly.</p>
      <p>"Lady, you are one TWISTED SISTER!" Nick yelled at her.</p>
      <p>"Better hide your face!" Dib wisecracked as Tak turned to glare at them. She then hopped inside her nearby ship and flew upwards along the lava trail as Zim rushed after her. The lava, which had been shooting out into space, was solidifying as the Earth's surface began to visible SINK IN…it was gonna get very ugly if something didn't happen in the next…</p>
      <p>Nick checked his watch. "Okay, this plan started 6 minutes ago. If we can beat Tak in the next six minutes, that means Gaz owes me twenty bucks AND the Earth is saved. Everyone's happy!"</p>
      <p>Tak and Zim soared up through the large lava chunks that had been solidified, diving left and right as Zim fired off lasers at her ship, his eyes narrowed in anger.</p>
      <p>"How do we shut this thing off?" Dib yelled, tugging at his hair as he stood at the edge and looked at the large lava-spewing inferno before him Nick as they landed by the lava tube.</p>
      <p>Then he thought of Nick and he turned his head…and saw Nick was roasting a marshmallow on a stick over the burning inferno that was the lava pump. Dib promptly slapped his forehead.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, back in Zim's transmission room, Gaz and GIR were together. A cable had been hooked up to GIR's head, attached to the control panel as Gaz rubbed her chin. "So this should work?" She asked.</p>
      <p>"If Tak's SIR unit is within range of its memory disk, it can be controlled through a remote host." The computer agreed.</p>
      <p>"Yes, we could REMOTE CONTROL it." Gaz remarked. She pointed at GIR. "YOU! Do things! Make Tak's robot crazy." She demanded, making the hand motion on the side of her head for "crazy".</p>
      <p>"<strong>Only</strong> if you dance with me!" GIR insisted.</p>
      <p>Gaz shook her head. "No! <strong>Never!</strong>"</p>
      <p>GIR stared at her. Some time passed.</p>
      <p>"Oh, C'MON!" Gaz groaned.</p>
      <p>More staring.</p>
      <p>"…oh…FINE!" She snapped. Gaz angrily began to do doing a little jig, her feet squeaking with every step.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, out in space, Zim was trailing after Tak through the lava, a proud gleam in his eye. He would DO this.</p>
      <p>He and Tak soared their ships through a wall of lava, ramming their ships into each other. They bounced off and both of them cursed angrily before they flew around opposite sides of one pillar of lava, swirling higher and higer before coming face to face with each other again. Zim frowned as Tak smirked at him.</p>
      <p>"Give up, Zim! I built this ship myself!"</p>
      <p>The charged each other AGAIN, but this time a chunk of lava flew downward and smashed the ship windshield of the Voot Cruiser. Tak swerved out of the way and Zim groaned as his ship spun around and around. In anger he kicked the windshield out into space and a NEW one popped in place as Zim turned back and continued the pursuit.</p>
      <p>Inside of TAK'S ship, meanwhile, MIMI was being controlled by GIR, her eyes turning the same shade of bright blue that his eyes usually were. GIR's voice came out of MIMI's body as she began to kick herself in the head.</p>
      <p>"Dee-ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-do-do, dee-ba-dee-dee-do! Dee-dee-dee-da-dee-, dee-dee-da-dee, dee-doo-de-do-de-do! Dee-ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-do-do, dee-ba-dee-dee-do! Dee-dee-dee-da-dee-, dee-dee-da-dee, dee-doo-de-do-de-do!" She sang, bouncing on her head. GIR was doing the same thing as he and Gaz danced.</p>
      <p>"This is actually kind of fun!" Gaz admitted.</p>
      <p>"I knooooow!" GIR said in a wise tone before he kept singing the "Hamster Dance".</p>
      <p>Things were now falling straight into the Earth as it began to collapse on itself, from hot dog stands to houses to buses to cars…they had to hurry. GIR had finally stopped the singing and was now getting MIMI to pound on the control panel, making her ship swerve out of control and convulse with electricity. Tak groaned, holding her head as MIMI flung herself at her master.</p>
      <p>"AAA! What are you DOING?!" She shouted as MIMI then began to dance on the dashboard. "MIMI!"</p>
      <p>MIMI grabbed Tak's cheeks and squeezed and Tak grunted angrily. "Stop it!"</p>
      <p>GIR, meanwhile, was grabbing GAZ's cheeks. She broke free from GIR and yelled "NO TOUCHING."</p>
      <p>"Sorry."</p>
      <p>"No, stooopp!" Tak yelled as her ship hit chunks of lava over and over . "You're ruining EVERYTHING!"</p>
      <p>Zim watched the whole thing, smirking to himself. "You're a worse pilot than I am! Wait..."</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: WAA-WAA-WAA!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Tak as Zim smashed the Voot Cruiser into her ship. It flew backwards into a large lava chunk and rolled along the surface.</p>
      <p>"No! NOOO! Somebody help me! AAA!"</p>
      <p>POP! A purple escape pod with tentacle wires trailing out the back finally shot out of the ship as Tak growled furiously. Meanwhile, Dib was running back and forth behind two generators inside of the large mechanical area that was the control center for the magma pump. He tugged at his hair, screamed and yelled and even licked ice cream in SHEER PANIC as he tried to think of what to do…</p>
      <p>Nick, meanwhile, was putting the marshmallow he'd roasted on a graham cracker to make a s'more. He finally spoke up. "Look for an on/off button!" He yelled out.</p>
      <p>Dib blinked and looked to the left, seeing a large button that had a big red button at the front with a viewscreen at the top that read "ON/OFF". "How did I miss THAT?!" he asked himself.</p>
      <p>
        <em>Ladies and gentlemen, once AGAIN, we give you the "superior" technology of the "advanced" Irken empire.</em>
      </p>
      <p>Well, not only did the lava stop shooting OUT of the tube, but the lava that had been hardening was quickly sucked back IN! Along with hotdogs from out of people's buns, a pidgeon or two, a satellite…the Earth was regaining it's shape. And Zim grinned happily. "No one takes Zim's mission! No one!" He swore. Then he grabbed a can of Poop Cola from a nearby ship's fridge and stuck a straw in it, beginning to sip.</p>
      <p>Tak's wirey tentacles latched onto the Voot Cruiser as Tak glared at Zim directly. "I don't know HOW you've done this, Zim! You're not even an INVADER, you know!" She snarled. "The Tallest LIED to you!"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked a few times, his face looking vaguely…sad…</p>
      <p>"Your mission is all a big lie! I'll come back and-"</p>
      <p>Well, she didn't get to finish. Zim pressed a button on his ship and her pod was launched clear off the Voot Cruiser as she and a currently-disassembled MIMI went soaring off through space as Zim laughed. "Ha-haaaaaa-okay." He shrugged and slurped up the last of his "Poop Cola", which he had printed Irken symbol on the bottom of so nobody else would take it…GIR included. He did that sometimes.</p>
      <p>"And now, back to taking over Earth." He remarked, slurping his drink.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Well…you did well." Zim told Dib and Gaz as they stood outside his house along with GIR and Nick. He nodded at the twosome. "Now shoo-shoo." He said, waving goodbye. "I've got plotting to do...our game has reached a new level."</p>
      <p>"...okay." Dib said, shrugging. "See you tomorrow." With that, he and Gaz headed off, going back to their home as Zim rubbed his gloved claws. He then smiled to himself and headed back inside, with Nick waiting outside. It wasn't long before Zim was calling up the Tallest.</p>
      <p>"Tak's plan was ruined!" Zim was soon announcing to the Tallest in his main transmission room. "The humans helped out but, eh-"</p>
      <p>GIR popped up, now wearing a CAT suit. He waved, then popped back down. Then popped back UP, singing the Doom song! "Doomy-doomy-doom!"</p>
      <p>"But they were hypnotized by me! Into doing so!" Zim lied. "You should've heard the LIES she told about you! Well, all that matters is that Tak's evil snack plan was stopped."</p>
      <p>Purple frowned. "Hey! I <strong>like</strong> snacks!"</p>
      <p>Red gestured at his co-ruler. "He <strong>likes</strong> snacks, Zim!"</p>
      <p>Zim nodded his head appreciatively. "I know you do. I <em>know</em>."</p>
      <p>GIR popped back onto the screen. "Meooow!"</p>
      <p>And with that, Zim ended the transmission.</p>
      <p>Zim smiled. "Ah, another job well done for INVADER ZIIIIM!" He proclaimed.</p>
      <p>Someone tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around as Nick stood there, raising an eyebrow. "You think of this as a <strong>game</strong>? One you're playing against Dib?"</p>
      <p>"Yes. Yes I do. And I intend to WIN." Zim told him.</p>
      <p>Nick blinked…then broke out into a big smile. "Now THAT'S more like it." He said, taking Zim's hand and leading him up the stairs and into the house, then out the door. "Come on…I'm gonna take you flying!"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked as he and Nick rose up into the air over Zim's house, up into the sky. "But…I thought you needed MUSIC to do any magic…"</p>
      <p>"What?" Nick asked, laughing.</p>
      <p>"<em><strong>You can't hear it?"</strong></em></p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…It was night. Dib was out on roof patio of the Membrane house with his laptop and headphones, staring out into space. He soon took the headphones off and smiled, his brain STILL very much intact and not digested.</p>
      <p>"Look at it, Gaz!" He said in an amazed tone. "We've only seen what's come to <strong>us</strong> from up there. Don't you wanna just fly out there and see it <strong>all</strong>?"</p>
      <p>Gaz sat in a lawn chair down below the house, playing her GS2 and holding a half eaten hotdog.</p>
      <p>"<em>Eh</em>...I dunno…maybe…" She said, shrugging slightly as she got up and entered the house. Dib then saw a beautiful light shining in the sky and he smiled warmly. Then he noticed the bright blue light was getting CLOSER…aimed at HIS HOUSE!</p>
      <p>He recoiled back and gasped as something smashed into his front yard, the force pushing him back He held his head and groaned as he walked to the edge of roof patio and looked down, seeing Tak's ship had crashed itself right in his yard…</p>
      <p>He found a smile spreading across his face, becoming a huge grin. Things were gonna be DIFFERENT from now on, he decided as smoke rose up from the ship, swirling high up into the starry night sky, contrasting against the patterns of light that flickered over the beautiful blue ball that was Earth…</p>
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<a name="section0045"><h2>45. Backseat Drivers from Beyond the Stars</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>Boilin' in the backseat! Generatin' steam heat!</em>
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      <p>
        <strong>BACKSEAT DRIVERS FROM BEYOND THE STARS</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"Ah…do you remember this?"</p>
      <p>"Yes, it was the day we celebrated Dib's birthday." White admitted, nodding his head.</p>
      <p>"Ah, Gaz was so happy." Prof. Membrane said to the albino as he held up an x-ray of a birthday candle shoved up Dib's nostril. "And this…" He held up an x-ray that showed a BUTT scan. "Ah, this was Dib's first day of school."</p>
      <p>"Wow, he must have REALLY pissed them off for them to put an entire K-NEX set up there." White realized.</p>
      <p>"And this is from MY childhood, when I was lost in the flea market and this reality's Nick found me again." Prof. Membrane said, holding up an x-ray that showed a watch had been in his stomach. "It still keeps perfect time." He remarked, holding up his wrist. "What do you say we go through the POLICE FILES now?"</p>
      <p>"Sure thing!" White held up a VERY thick binder that was the size of Dib's big head. He then slipped out one packet. "THIS happened during that Deelishus Weenie incident here on your planet. I spray-painted over this "Star Command" logo to make it look like something VERRRRY naughty." He remarked. "You should have SEEN Old Chinface's expression. In fact…" He then took out some photos. "Here. Now you can!"</p>
      <p>"Ooh, what a lovely shade of heliotrope." Prof. Membrane remarked. "Laced with some lovely carmine for good measure…who are Star Command?"</p>
      <p>"Oh, a bunch of alien fanboys who pretend to be the galaxy's cops." White lied. "Here, this next one might make you sick, you'd better brace yourself-"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…The Massive was drifting through open space, as navigators worked on the controls of the ship, the Tallest calmly watched the main view screen in their central command room and Zim…well…</p>
      <p>"My Tallest! My Tallest! Hey, My Tallest! My-my-my Tallest!"</p>
      <p>He repeated this over and over.</p>
      <p>"My Tallest! My Tallest! My Tallest! Hey, my Tallest, my Tallest, my Tallest! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! My Tallest! My Tallest! My Tallest! Hey, my Tallest! It's me! Look at me! My Tallest! My Tallest! My Tallest!"</p>
      <p>Red took a long, deep breath. "I was curious to see when you'd shut up on your OWN, but it's been three hours now, Zim." Red then glared in a baleful fashion and bared his zipper-toothed teeth. "THREE…FRIGGIN'…HOOOOOUURS! WHAT IS IT!?"</p>
      <p>Zim beamed. "I just noticed that you're-"</p>
      <p>PING! GIR popped up into view. Zim ignored him and went on. "Travelling closer to Earth than EVER before!"</p>
      <p>Purple blinked. "Uh…how do you know THAT?"</p>
      <p>"Oh, I know all kinds of things about you. Pretty creepy, huh?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"He made a list." Nick remarked as he walked by Red and Purple, sipping on an Icee. They were used to this sudden appearance, quick quip, and then a quicker disappearance from the mysterious yet-oddly-cheerful human. "It's 100 pages long. You, Red, like Tutti-Fruitti. Purple likes dancing in the street. Also, you both apparently enjoyed sneaking into the women's armor rooms to imagine what female Irkens looked like without their armor on about 50 years ago."</p>
      <p>Red and Purple blushed. "Yeah, those were…uh…youthful indiscretions…"</p>
      <p>They turned and Nick was gone. "Wow, that was creepy. You know who else is creepy?" Purple asked. He turned at Zim. "You're creepy, Zim!"</p>
      <p>Zim chuckled. "Heh-heh. Yes, I sure am!"</p>
      <p>"That's not something to be proud of." Nick remarked, walking by HIM, now with an ice cream in his hands.</p>
      <p>"Anyhow, since you're so near by, you could see me initiate my newest, most diabolical plan to destroy the humans!"</p>
      <p>Zim held up a plate of sandwiches. "I made <strong>sandwiches</strong>!" He said happily, squeaking as he grinned."They've got little flags in 'emmmm!" He added.</p>
      <p>Red blinked. "Er…uh, look Zim, eh, maybe we'll stop by on our way back from... wherever we're going."</p>
      <p>Zim's face fell. "But-"</p>
      <p>"Sorry, Zim! Uh, we're being... attacked! By an enemy vessel!" Red quickly shoved Purple to the ground and moved around as if the Massive was being attacked, shaking his arms wildly. "Gotta go, gotta go!"</p>
      <p>Taking that this meant "Cut the transmission like a knife", the communications officer shut off the transmission and Purple laughed. "That was pretty funny! OOOH! Somebody made doughnuts!"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Poor Zim stood perfectly still, looking at the static view screen, unmoving. Meanwhile, GIR, was…where was he? Oddly, there was a turkey on a nearby cart that had been wheeled inside the communications room, and flies were going around it, obviously the thing wasn't fresh. One of the flies landed on Zim's face and crawled around. EVENTUALLY he brushed it away.</p>
      <p>"Master! The Tallest cut the transmission an hour ago!" His computer announced.</p>
      <p>Zim finally snapped back to reality. "Hey! They did cut the transmission!" He remarked in a slightly annoyed tone. "The Tallest fail to understand that I'm inviting them for front row seats for the end of all mankind! My latest plan..."</p>
      <p>"The latest plan is about to explode." His computer announced.</p>
      <p>Red lights on a HUGE containment tank nearby flashed wildly as a huge, grayish/purple parasite with large fangs hovered around in the tube. Quickly Zim typed on a control panel below the tank. "D'oh! Sheesh, I keep forgetting this thing needs constant adjustments to keep it asleep! But once let loose on the surface it'll eat the brains of all humans!" Zim announced. "The Tallest wouldn't wanna miss THAT!" He turned around. "GIR!" He called out.</p>
      <p>BOOOMPFHA! The turkey 'sploded, and GIR was revealed to be inside. "It's ME! <strong>I </strong>was the turkey all along!"</p>
      <p>"I was wondering what that turkey was doing there." Zim admitted, rubbing his chin. "GIR! I'm delaying the brain parasite plan for now. I want you to-"</p>
      <p>"I was the turkey! ME!" GIR went on.</p>
      <p>"…yes…so you were…" Zim sighed. "LOOK, just monitor these containment levels. I've got to go to the holo-interface room."</p>
      <p>GIR headed over to the control panels of the tank. "Okey-dokey!" He said, beginning to press buttons rapidly. "Lookit me! I'm doin' it!"</p>
      <p>"GIR, If those levels go critical even slightly…then my INGENIOUS brain parasite will escape into the base…and bring about a pain unlike any known form of pain!" Zim shuddered.</p>
      <p>"WOO!" GIR cheered.</p>
      <p>"On US!"</p>
      <p>"Oh. That's "bad", right?"</p>
      <p>"VERY bad." Zim said. With a nod, he walked out of the room, trying to imagine what the parasite would look like on DIB'S overly huge hea-</p>
      <p>"MY HEAD IS NOT BIIIIG!"</p>
      <p>Uh…moving along to DIB's house…</p>
      <p>Gaz and Prof. Membrane were in the basement lab of the Membrane household as Gaz groaned, watching her dad use a welding tool to get to work on his latest idea. "What's your brother doing this time? He's not trying to raise the dead again, is he? Always with the dead, that boy!"</p>
      <p>"He said he wouldn't' do it again after last summer's incident. He's apparently…talking." Gaz remarked.</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane blinked and walked towards Gaz, putting her on his shoulder. "Oh, is that all? Daughter, some people like to talk." He nodded. "Your brother simply likes to talk about INSANE things!" He remarked, holding up his hand as electricity formed in his hands. "Maybe if you LISTENED, he'd become less insane."</p>
      <p>"But his voice fills me with a terrible rage!" Gaz groaned.</p>
      <p>"I know it does, honey." Her father said, gently holding her out in front of him and nodding as he chuckled. "Heh-heh. I know it does." He then put her back down on the ground and Gaz sighed, walking out of the room.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Dib was sitting at his computer as light shone from his body in a beautiful aura. He held up a pointer and his eyes narrowed as Nick stood in his room, sipping an Icee. "Yes, people, THESE are the things we have to study." He announced. "We have to get right in, take a look at it, dissect it, have to remove things, have to understand, comprehend."</p>
      <p>Gaz walked in. Dib smiled, grateful she was finally LISTENING to him and he nodded. "Anyhow, okay, let's look over the newer discoveries. Firstly, you know all about how I planted that spy bug in Zim's lab during the whole Tak invasion?"</p>
      <p>SOME TIME AGO…</p>
      <p>They'd all been down in Zim's lab. Dib had pointed with his finger, using his mighty "Finger of Truth". "Hey! Look at that garbage can!"</p>
      <p>"Hmm?" Zim turned around.</p>
      <p>Dib then hurled a large, drill-ended device into the wall and it surged through the wall and into the house circuitry of Zim's home. Zim, meanwhile, was bragging about his garbage can. "Yes, it is rather impressive, that can!"</p>
      <p>PRESENT…</p>
      <p>"I can spy on Zim in his own base!" Dib announced, turning around and typing on his PC's keyboard. "Not to mention steal data from his machines!"</p>
      <p>Now his computer screen turned on, showing Zim was walking through his lab. Then that image switched to an image of Tak's ship, which was in the garage, a blue blanket over it.</p>
      <p>"You sure like blue." Nick announced.</p>
      <p>"I know. Secondly…" Dib grinned. "Tak's crashed spaceship! I hid it in the garage. It doesn't fly yet but I've been able to use the onboard computer to decipher Zim's data."</p>
      <p>Gaz, who was now bored, headed out the door. Dib took this to mean-</p>
      <p>"Good IDEA, Gaz! Make some popcorn! We'll be up all night deciphering this stuff!"</p>
      <p>Gaz held back her rage and kept walking. Dib rubbed his chin. "I wonder where Zim was going?"</p>
      <p>As it were, Zim had now hopped into his lab chair and was addressing his computer. "Computer! Open a communication line with prisoner number seven seventy seven on planet Vort."</p>
      <p>"YES, SIR."</p>
      <p>Dib turned his head to look at the view screen, which was showing this exchange between Zim and the computer. "Planet VORT?" He grinned at this. "Time to wake up, my little alien spaceship."</p>
      <p>He clicked a button on his keyboard and a second monitor showed Tak's ship in the garage. An Irken viewscreen powered up at the front of it, with the words "Remote Link Enabled" written on the front, along with images of Zim's Voot Runner, the last thing the ship had seen before getting TOTALED!</p>
      <p>"We've got WORK to do." Dib remarked as the link transmitted data to his computer. It showed Irken text being written on the screen and soon this text was translated into English.</p>
      <p>"Planet Vort: Once an ally of the Irken Empire, the Vort supplied Irk with advanced military technology. Recently conquered by Invader Larb, Vort is now Irk's top military research prison."</p>
      <p>Nick nodded, sipping his Icee. "Yeah, Zim calls them "filthy". Also, they have goaty heads."</p>
      <p>Dib turned his head. "Goaty heads?"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Prisoner 777, who was a Vortian like any other, complete with grey skin, goat-like horns and small, almost nubby teeth, sighed deeply. "What is it THIS time, Zim?" He asked, wearing a big dark prisoner's garb that read "777". Zim had picked him because, frankly, Zim was superstitious and believed in "The Power of the Moose". He was lucky himself because he was such an idiot, and everyone knows that fools have a ridiculous amount of luck going for them.</p>
      <p>"I need a detailed control schematics for the Massive... and instructions for a remote command chair." Zim informed Prisoner</p>
      <p>Prisoner 777 gasped. "The Tallest's command ship!? That would be wrong! It'd infuriate the Armada! I designed that ship, you know."</p>
      <p>"Yes, you told me, remember? You picked out the armor, made the jets, even picked the paint color after Elaice and the others were pulled off the project…"</p>
      <p>"Aw, you remembered!" Prisoner 777 grinned. "Here you go." He pulled out a circular device and a large slot emerged in the side of his room. 777 stuck the device inside and data filled Zim's computer screen, making him laugh evilly.</p>
      <p>"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! With THIS, I can pilot the Massive and bring the Almighty Tallest here to witness my ingenious evil!"</p>
      <p>Dib gasped in horror. "NOOOOO!"</p>
      <p>"I said evil!" Zim cheered.</p>
      <p>Prof. Membrane yelled from down below in the basement. "Son! There'd better not be any walking dead up there!"</p>
      <p>Dib bit his lip, then stuck his head out the door, yelling right back. "It's nothing to worry about, dad! And I SAID I was sorry about that!" He ducked his head back in and took some calming breaths. "Okay, Zim's bringing his leaders to Earth! I gotta act quick!"</p>
      <p>He promptly leapt out the window and his pointy hair hooked on a cable that he'd positioned outside his window. HE slid down along it towards the garage…</p>
      <p>BAM!</p>
      <p>Right INTO the garage. He fell to the ground, groaning in pain. "Why does it have to huuuurt?" He groaned.</p>
      <p>He then opened up the garage and pulled off the blue blanket from Tak's ship as the windshield opened. Dib hopped inside as the control panel lit up and Dib eagerly began to press some buttons, his eyes glittering.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Red and Purple were shoveling doughnuts into their mouth and going "Nom-nom-nom" as they did so, their deck crew standing behind them, trying not to be disgusted by the immense amount of gluttony they were witnessing. It was then that a grey ship approached the Massive, seen through the large windshield. Purple blinked, his mouth half-full. "'ey…oo's ip's at?" (Hey, who's ship is that?"</p>
      <p>The Vortian ship stopped in front of the Massive as the Tallest dropped the bag of doughnuts, and a deck crew quickly grabbed them pulling the "Plain" doughnuts away. On BOARD the control deck of the ship were various aliens. One was a strange green alien who was so frightened he vomited over himself. Another was a three-headed alien who patted the poor guy on the back and helped him up.</p>
      <p>An armless, insectoid alien with four legs scampered around nervously whilst an alien who appeared to have his brain hovering above it's button pressed buttons on the control panel to make sure the ship was primed for battle. A funnel-like alien with a big grin on it's purple face hovered next to the leader…a Vortian who wore a dark outfit that had green straps on his shoulders and spiked boots with green goggles over his eyes.</p>
      <p>"Alright, this is it! Our first act of resistance against Operation Impending Doom II!" Lard Nar announced.</p>
      <p>"Woo! Alright!" Shloonktapooxis, the funnel alien, laughed happily.</p>
      <p>The Arcadian named Darin flicked his square-like hair as he looked at the radar machine in the Resisty's ship, which was next to the coffee machine. He adjusted his thick glasses and turned to look at another human-like being, who had shoulder-length dark red hair and dark blue eyes that were very lovely. She wore a dark pink jumper purple leggings and black boots with a black headband in her hair and an notepad in her hand as she tapped a pencil to her lip.</p>
      <p>"H3y, 3r1n, wh47 4r3 y0u 7h1nk1n6 0f?" He asked Erin.</p>
      <p>"Eh?" Erin blinked.</p>
      <p>"What're you thinking of?"</p>
      <p>"We're a Resistance Group but we've got no flag or emblem or even a THEME SONG." Erin announced. "I'm going to think of one!"</p>
      <p>"Agent Nightshade, be wary." Lard Nar announced. "This is serious business. That's the Massive out there! My people designed most of that thing, so I know how powerful it is..."</p>
      <p>Lard Nar then flipped out. "WE'RE GONNA <strong>DIE!</strong> WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS!?" He screamed.</p>
      <p>A brown-skinned alien with four arms, a zipper-backpack on it's back and a green outfit complete with boots and armbands nervously raised a few arms up. "Uh... mine. Sorry about that."</p>
      <p>Everyone sighed. "AWWW…"</p>
      <p>Lard Nar cleared his throat. "Well ACTUALLY….if we can just knock a hole in one of the side storage pods, we can steal the snacks that fall out to feed the growing resistance."</p>
      <p>"We're gonna die!" Shloonktapooxis cried as he banged his head against Lard Nar's chair and then rolled around on the floor, mumbling and in tears. "They're gonna put "Awww, Spleenk" on my gravestone in "Famous Last Words" graveyard and everyone's gonna GIGGLE at my funeral!"</p>
      <p>"What do you think of a big smiley face making a thumbs up as a design symbol?" Erin asked Lard Nar.</p>
      <p>"Actually, I like it." Lard Nar admitted.</p>
      <p>"Uh, we kinda need to actually CONTACT the Massive and say something before they PWN us." Darin spoke up.</p>
      <p>"Quick, get the cool holographic disguises ready!" Lard Nar yelled.</p>
      <p>"Uh…we kinda used up most of our money to install the cool shrinky thing into our ship…" Spleenk admitted.</p>
      <p>"Well what DO we have?" Lard Nar inquired.</p>
      <p>"…welllll…"</p>
      <p>Purple blinked as he looked at the ship of that was staring them down. "That's a Vort ship! I didn't think there were any of those left!"</p>
      <p>"Hmm." Red nodded.</p>
      <p>"Hmm." Purple nodded back.</p>
      <p>"HMM."</p>
      <p>"HMM-HMM!"</p>
      <p>"HMM-HMM!</p>
      <p>"…hey, call them and tell them we're gonna blow 'em up! Hah!" Purple laughed.</p>
      <p><em>"Why is your first reaction to things that are new "blow 'em up"?"</em> White asked, to which Purple shrugged.</p>
      <p>BEEP! Instantly Lard Nar gasped as his computerized green armbands lit up. He gasped. "They're hailing us! THEY'RE hailing US! Oh, quick! We need a name! We can't form a resistance and not have a name!"</p>
      <p>"How 'bout the pirate monkeys! Issa awesome name." Shloontapooxis suggested.</p>
      <p>Lard Nar frowned. "Hmm…NO." He shook his head. "We need something scary! Something to strike fear into all who hear of the resistance!"</p>
      <p>Spleenk raised his hands in the air and waved all four of them. "I got it! I got it!"</p>
      <p>Red and Purple, meanwhile, had gone to get some puppets. Red held up a box-shaped hand puppet of himself and punched a puppet of a Vort ship puppet, made to represent the one they were facing. He laughed as he punched it over and over and Purple held one of the many bags of doughnuts.</p>
      <p>"Oh, they're hailing back." A communications officer announced.</p>
      <p>"Main screen turn on!" Purple ordered.</p>
      <p>Well, the screen turned on. Now the transmission screen showed dark silhoutettes, and furthermore, all those facing the screen looked tall and intimidating.</p>
      <p>"Identify yourselves." Red demanded to know, tossing the puppets aside.</p>
      <p>Lard Nar spoke up, using a voice synthesizer. "We…are <strong>THE RESISTY!</strong> We have come across this galaxy to-"</p>
      <p>Purple's eyes went wide. "Wowowowowowooooo! Did you just say "The Resisty"?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Lard Nar blinked. "Yes, yes, the Resisty! Anyhow, we have come to-"</p>
      <p>"That's a stupid name." Purple remarked.</p>
      <p>FLICK! The lights on the Resisty's ship turned on, revealing that everyone had been holding up cardboard cutouts on sticks. They angrily dropped them, turning on Spleenk, as Lard Nar crossed his arms and frowned at the many-armed alien. "See, I TOLD you it was stupid!" He snapped. "Why the fribble-sticks do I keep LISTENING to you! By the <strong>Rta</strong>, I swear I'm going to-ERRR!" He clenched his fingers up and growled. "WHY do you do this to me, Spleenk?"</p>
      <p>"I don't know..." Spleenk apologized.</p>
      <p>"Ha-ha-ha…destroy them." Red announced. "Fire some kinda laser thingy at them right now!"</p>
      <p>Well, sure enough, a large laser cannon at the front of the Massive emerged and it began to gather energy at a central point in front of the cannon, specks of purple/pink light swirling around to be unleashed to rain LASERY DOOM on those that defied the Massive! Naturally the Resisty all screamed like little girls.</p>
      <p>"HA-HA-HA-HA!" Red laughed as Purple almost choked on the doughnut he was muching on.</p>
      <p>"AAAAAAA!"</p>
      <p>"HA-HA-HA-HA!"</p>
      <p>"AAAAAAAAAA!"</p>
      <p>"HA-HA-HA-HA-why hasn't the laser fired?" Red asked.</p>
      <p>PLORCH! The green alien from before vomited and Lard Nar and Shloontapooxis clutched onto each other, screaming madly as the deck crew of the Massive joined the laughing Tallest and chuckled evilly.</p>
      <p>THEN it happened. The Massive JERKED to the side and everyone was thrown off balance. The laser blast soared to the side and missed the Resisty's ship as everyone inside the Massive screamed madly as the ship spun around and around, drifting off. People were thrown left and right through the air, hollering like mad.</p>
      <p>"What's happening!? Why have we lost control!?" Purple yelled.</p>
      <p>Zim, meanwhile, laughed happily as he bounced around in a large mechanical seat that resembled one of the navigator's seats from the Massive. He bounced around, trying to contain his joy as the view screen before him showed the view of space from the Massive as Zim began to pilot it towards Earth.</p>
      <p>"I can't wait to see the Tallest's faces when they get here! They'll be so happy!" Zim said, clasping his gloved claws together.</p>
      <p>BANG! The Massive hit an asteroid.</p>
      <p>BA-BANG! It bonked off a small planet. "ALL IS LOST! <strong>ALL IS LOST!</strong>" An inhabitant screamed as the people ran around madly.</p>
      <p>Purple was thrown against the wall with a horrid THA-THUNK and Red crashed right into him. The two began screaming all OVER again as an Irken officer tried to pull himself up.</p>
      <p>"My Tallest! Our weapons are offline! We're defenseless!" He gasped.</p>
      <p>"WAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!" Red and Purple screamed, looking at each other before they were thrown against the main view screen and then fell out of view.</p>
      <p>Lard Nar blinked and let go of Shloontapooxis, looking around at the others. "You hear that? Their weapons are down! After them! <em>Get those snacks!</em>"</p>
      <p>"IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZ0R!" Shloontapooxis announced, rushing to the gunning pod on the top/back region of the ship as it aimed at the Massive and began to fire off shots at it. He bobbed up and down as he kept firing the gun with the tip of his body.</p>
      <p>Purple grasped at the doughnuts that were floating around, then turned at other Irkens who were floating around through the air. His eyes lingered on Red, who had clung to a nearby control panel. "What are you doing!?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"I'm running a manual diagnostic to find the problem!" He announced. "I'm not STUPID y'know!" He then pointed at a random Irken officer who was floating by. "YOU! Save the doughnuts!"</p>
      <p>"I'll help!" Purple added, rushing over to a nearby camera and licking doughnut crumbs off the lens.</p>
      <p>"That's just GROSS." Red remarked.</p>
      <p>THWOOOM! They were thrown back through the air, yelling again as the Massive was pulled in a new direction, almost hitting the Resisty's ship. Zim frowned angrily as he tried to press a button on the control console…it didn't work.</p>
      <p>"HEY! I didn't tell the ship to do that!"</p>
      <p>"NEW PLAYER!" A voice announced. "START!"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked and looked to the side, seeing a hologram of DIB sitting in the cockpit of Tak's ship. "That's because <strong>I</strong> told the ship to do that!" Dib announced. "And in case you're wondering, I'm using your computers to project this hologram of me and to control your leaders' ship."</p>
      <p>Zim hissed angrily. " Dib! Get out of my computer!" He swung at Dib, forgetting it was a hologram. Dib just yawned nonchalantly. "You'll ruin everything!"</p>
      <p>"Uh…Zim…you left GIR in charge of a brain-eating giant parasite…what about THAT?" Nick asked, standing by Zim, raising an eyebrow, arms folded across his chest.</p>
      <p>Zim didn't pay attention. He just grabbed the controls and tugged on them as Red and Purple were thrown off a platform back through the air, with Zim managing to tug the Massive back on course with Earth.</p>
      <p>"Hey, quit it! Let go! It's mine!" Dib shouted, tugging on HIS lever "So tell me Zim, how do you like your leaders?"</p>
      <p>"I like them very well." Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>"Would you like them REGULAR…"</p>
      <p>VOOM! He veered the Massive towards a star, grinning. "OR EXTRA CRISPY!?" He cackled.</p>
      <p>"Tallest Gartha's PAIN!" Red yelled as their ship headed for the screen. He and Purple clutched each other, screaming madly as the Massive flew closer…CLOSER…</p>
      <p>"Well, this ain't so bad." Purple announced.</p>
      <p>"I think so too." Red added.</p>
      <p>"AAAAAA!" They both screamed, going right THROUGH the sun and out the other side, with the Resisty following after.</p>
      <p>"They SURVIVED?!" Dib gasped, eyes going wide.</p>
      <p>Nick calmly whistled, holding his hands behind his back.</p>
      <p>"Woo! Anyone think that was cool!? Please respond!" Shloontapooxis laughed.</p>
      <p>"They're getting away! Let's go!" Lard Nar yelled.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, I just came up with a good idea for our theme song!" Erin announced. "But we'll have to, like, SURVIVE first…"</p>
      <p>Red stood at a sparking control panel, sweating visibly. "Ah-HA! Voice interface back online! Computer! Check each system for cause of problem!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>Purple was running left and right, tossing doughnuts into his mouth as he screamed every other second. Red stared at him, blinking.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Zim and Dib were STILL trying to take control of the Massive, fiddling with their controls. Nick frowned.</p>
      <p>"Zim, SERIOUSLY, GIR…the PARASITE…eating of BRAINS…"</p>
      <p>"I thought of this idea first!" Zim yelled angrily.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, well I thought of messing with YOUR idea first!" Dib roared back.</p>
      <p>"You're not listening to me, are you?" Nick asked.</p>
      <p>Zim then realized something, eyes widening. He grinned. "Is that Irken equipment you're using? That's Tak's ship your sitting in, isn't it?"</p>
      <p>Dib nodded, smirking. "Yes it IS, Zim! It fell from the-"</p>
      <p>"ISN'T IT?" Zim yelled.</p>
      <p>"I said it was! Man, you have a problem with listening, Zim!"</p>
      <p>"ISN'T IIIT?!"</p>
      <p>"Warning! Parasite containment levels are critical!" His computer announced.</p>
      <p>Zim groaned. "GIR!" He yelled, scampering down the hall and out of the control chair.</p>
      <p>"Warning! There is someone at the door."</p>
      <p>Zim rolled his eyes. "Oh, MOOPAK! Let the ROBOPARENTS handle it, that's what they're blinkin' FOR!"</p>
      <p>Meef held up his candy to the roboparents, who stuck their heads down. He then gulped. "Uh…oh…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…GIR lay on the control panel, face-down in mashed potatoes, the lights on the containment tube for the parasite flashing wildly as the alarm blared at "Defcon One" level. There were ALSO muffins next to him. Zim ran into the door to see GIR was blowing bubbles in the potatoes but not doing much else. "GIR! Get up! What are you doing!?"</p>
      <p>GIR sprang upwards. "I made mashed potatoes!" He said. "Mashed potatoes can be your FRIENDS!" He remarked.</p>
      <p>"Yes…and…MUFFINS…" Zim pointed at the parasite tube. "Now fix the containment levels! Now, GIR!"</p>
      <p>GIR hopped off the control panel and walked over to the control panel in the wall. Zim was about to leave when the computer let him know about ANOTHER bad event.</p>
      <p>"Alert! Something is happening at the front door! Something... horrible!"</p>
      <p>A monitor extended from the wall, showing that the roboparents were tossing Meef back and forth, making him scream. A loud explosion resulted a few moments later as the TV spontaneously combusted.</p>
      <p>"THE HORROR! GIR!" Zim screamed. "Take the Massive's controls in the other room! I have to go up above!"</p>
      <p>GIR yelled happily, running out of the door. "Yaaaay! I don't know what you just said!"</p>
      <p>Zim headed up the elevator up to the kitchen and out of the toilet. He quickly put on his disguise and ran out the front door, seeing that his robotic "Mother" and robotic "Father" were standing at the front door, yelling into the street.</p>
      <p>"Hey! Hey!" RoboMom shouted. "Come on over everyone and help us eat this little boy!" She announced looking at the crowd of people who had gathered to watch as RoboDad had APPARENTLY stuffed half of Meef's head into his mouth. It looked…very wrong.</p>
      <p>"AH! No, NO! We're normal! We're NORMAL!" Zim shouted desperately as RoboMom clamped her jaws around the other half of Meef's head. Zim quickly did a little dance to distract the crowd, then yanked Meef out of the robot's mouths, tossing him at the crowd, knocking one woman over. Zim then pushed the robots inside the house and closed and locked the door, panting.</p>
      <p>"That's bad manners, son!" RoboDad said, hugging Zim's head. "I guess we haven't taught you well enough! We don't spend enough quality time together!" Zim gulped at the mention of this. "Time to learn you a <strong>lesson</strong>!" He remarked, holding Zim up by his head, striking a pose.</p>
      <p>"Awww... Let me get the camera!" RoboMom announced. Quickly Zim broke free and ran off as the roboparents chased after him. Quickly Zim jumped into the hover platform of the living room and it lowered down into the lab as the roboparents crawled down into the tube after him.</p>
      <p>"Pay attention to the maid!" RoboDad announced.</p>
      <p>Zim rushed back to the Massive control room, tugging his disguise off as he saw GIR was at the controls.</p>
      <p>"Hey! Quit it! You're messing me up!" Dib shouted. "It's my ship! Would you leave it alone!?" Dib protested as he and GIR fought for control. "Come on! It's my turn! It's stuck! You've been doing it wrong! Come on, let me try! Come on, give it to me! Please! You've had plenty of time! It's my turn! You're up!"</p>
      <p>Zim "raised an eyebrow". "You sound like you're talking to your SISTER." He mumbled. He then grabbed GIR. "Okay, GIR! This is very important! Go back to the containment room and keep the levels right! Do you hear me!?" His eyes narrowed intently. "This is your greatest moment ever! Now go!" With that, he nodded and GIR went into Duty mode, rushing off, cackling madly as TRIUMPHANT music played AAAAND…</p>
      <p>…and…he went to sleep on the floor before he had a chance to go inside the room. Nick saw the sleeping, thumb-sucking robot and gulped…then clasped his hands together and placed them against his head. "Awwww…"</p>
      <p>Zim leapt back into the control pod as Dib grinned. "Tak's ship must be really powerful if it's more than a match for your entire base! You're losing, Zim!"</p>
      <p>Zim snarled. "NEVER! Check THIS out!"</p>
      <p>BEEP! He pressed a button and the Massive turned around completely. Dib smirked and pressed a button on HIS controls. Now the two began to fight for control all over again as the Tallest kept screaming aboard their spaceship. Lard Nar calmly, a big smile spreading over his features, watched as the Massive spun around and around.</p>
      <p>"You're nothing, Earth boy! Go home and shave your giant head of smell with your bad self!" Zim shouted.</p>
      <p>"…okay…" Dib said slowly. "There's all KINDS of things wrong with what you just said."</p>
      <p>He then tugged on a lever and the Massive soared into a large asteroid of an asteroid field. Zim tugged his own lever and the Massive crashed into ANOTHER asteroid. The two went back and forth, knocking the ship into asteroid after asteroid.</p>
      <p>And THEN RoboDad entered the control room, breaking the door down. "Come on, son! Let's go play in the toilet!"</p>
      <p>Zim gasped. "Huh? AAA!" He screamed, seeing they were here. He leapt through he air and shoved them back desperately. "COMPUTER! Lay down a force field!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>SCHOOMP! A force field knocked the roboparents back and Zim let loose a long sigh of relief.</p>
      <p>"Shield in place! PS- I have located an alien monitoring device within the base!"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. "Monitoring device…" He then grinned, pointing at the hologram of Dib. "HAH! I found your spy bug, Dib! Computer! Lock onto Dib's transmission signal and transmit a little signal of our own!"</p>
      <p>Dib raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing, Zim?" He demanded.</p>
      <p>Zim smirked coldly. "That IS Irken technology you're sitting in…I'm just REMINDING it, is all!"</p>
      <p>"Zim!? The <strong>PARASITE?!</strong>" Nick called out.</p>
      <p>Electricity shot out from the satellite dish atop of Zim's roof and it soared through the air, going into Tak's ship.</p>
      <p>"Security defense systems activated!" Tak's ship announced in her voice. Dib gasped. "Intruder detected. Get your filthy alien meat out of the cockpit!"</p>
      <p>"What the…TAK!?" Dib shouted.</p>
      <p>"Almost! I'm Tak's downloaded personality interface and it seems you've stolen me!"</p>
      <p>"Hey, to be fair, YOU landed in my-"</p>
      <p>He didn't get to finish. He was ejected from the cockpit and Dib grabbed the sides of his head. "NO! The Massive's almost here!"</p>
      <p>He grabbed ahold of the tockpit and banged on the windshield. "You gotta let me in!"</p>
      <p>Zim laughed as he appeared in the cockpit of Tak's ship as a hologram. Tak's ship unfolded, the side pods becoming large claws as Zim grinned. "It's OVER Dib! Don-don-donnnn!" He said dramatically.</p>
      <p>Dib rolled out of the way to avoid being slashed as the Resisty's ship blasted out "Resisty Rocks" into the Massive, which was now VERY close to Earth and VERY banged up. Irkens were still being tossed left and right, but Red hadreached a control panel and was looking down at it intently. "I think I've located the source of the problem! It's a signal coming from the planet Earth…locked onto…our POWER core!" His eyes narrowed as he hissed. "ZIIIIM!"</p>
      <p>Purple popped his head up, popping doughnuts into his mouth. "Are we gonna blow him up?"</p>
      <p>Red pushed him aside. "Yes, but first thing's FIRST! We've got to ditch our power core! We'll beam it straight into the "Resisty's" ship and it'll be THEIR problem!"</p>
      <p>And so…a few moments later…</p>
      <p>"We have a problem, sir! There's good news... and bad." Shloontapooxis announced.</p>
      <p>"A problem!? How!? They're sitting ducks! Aside from all the insane flying around." Lard Nar the Massive stopped spinning around…and THEIR ship started going wild. Lard Nar hit the ground, falling out of his chair and groaning. "Was that part of the bad news?" He asked quietly.</p>
      <p>"Yeah... Our power core has been teleported out of the ship!" Shloontapooxis announced.</p>
      <p>"The GOOD news?!" Lard Nar asked.</p>
      <p>"It's been replaced…by a HORRIBLE NEW ONE!"</p>
      <p>Lard Nar's eye twitched. Spleenk looked at the viewscreen that showed off Earth and he gulped. "We're being pulled towards that nearby planet! We'll crash and it's gonna hurt and I don't want my last meal to be a punch of snacky cakes!" He screamed, spasming on the ground.</p>
      <p>Lard Nar tugged his horns and made a loud, high-pitched scream…then blinked. "Heh…I mean…EVACUATE THE SHIP!" He yelled.</p>
      <p>"AAAAA!" Everyone yelled.</p>
      <p>"Activate the fancy shrinky self-destruct! No alien thieves are gonna steal the secrets of this ship!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>Darin nodded and raced over to a control panel. "J00 607 17, b055! I'll get it done!"</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>"Shrinky self destruct activated!"</p>
      <p>Lard Nar shook his fist in the air. "Hear me, Irken scum! You have not seen the last…of the <strong>Resisty!</strong>"</p>
      <p>Everyone looked at him expectantly. "…yes, that's still our name."</p>
      <p>BOOM! An explosion sent some of them flying. People took off for escape pods that flew off, far away from the Massive. Red and Purple laughed as they watched the Resisty run off with their tails between their legs, shoving doughnuts into their mouths.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE, Dib was fighting off Tak's ship. He'd armed himself with a rake and was whacking Tak's ship back. "Back! Back you freaky thing!"</p>
      <p>"Hah! Watch, Dib! Watch as I bring a royal audience to the downfall of the human race!" Zim laughed.</p>
      <p>"You know what, I'm not even gonna say anything, you're not listening today." Nick remarked, walking past the garage and sitting on a lawn chair nearby.</p>
      <p>"I don't wanna watch that!" Dib shouted at Zim.</p>
      <p>"Oh." Zim pouted a little, then shrugged in an appreciative tone. "Okay!…hey…wait!" He frowned. "I mean, that's TOO BAD! Because mankind ends now! And to make it even sweeter, I'll land the Massive right on top of your-"</p>
      <p>THWACK! The rake was swiped out of Dib's hands.</p>
      <p>"Landing pad sized monster of a head which is disturbingly large!"</p>
      <p>Dib leapt over Tak's ship as he ran out of the garage. "NOOOO! Quit making fun of my HEAD!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>Zim laughed madly, though the garage door closed on top of Tak's ship, keeping it from going further. Dib groaned and grabbed his head as he saw a ship breaking through the clouds.</p>
      <p>"Noooo!"</p>
      <p>It came closer…CLOSER…and…getting smaller and smaller. Dib then blinked as it finally disappeared with a POOF right in front of his eyes. He frowned slightly, scratching his rear. "Huh?"</p>
      <p>Zim blinked in surprise as the Irken symbol representing the ship vanished from his radar display. "What!? Where did it go!? How!?"</p>
      <p>He tugged at his antennae in confusion. "Nooooo! My Tallest! Tallest!"</p>
      <p>Then he looked to the side and saw Dib's hologram had been put back up in Tak's ship, and he was laughing madly, and even though it faded away a moment later, the laughing remained, echoing in the room.</p>
      <p>"GRR!" Zim snarled. "Laugh now, Dib! Laugh while you still have a brain to laugh with, because-"</p>
      <p>"Emergency in parasite containment!"</p>
      <p>"Eh?" Zim blinked stupidly.</p>
      <p>BREEEE! BREEEEE!</p>
      <p>The glass to the parasite tube cracked…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…as a cleaning crew got to work on wiping "The Resisty Rocks" off of the Massive's armor plating and the armada regrouped around the Massive, a furious Red and Purple looked at the main view screen, murder on their minds . A beeping noise was heard.</p>
      <p>"Long distance communication back online!" A communications officer announced.</p>
      <p>"Now, let's give our friend Zim a call!" Red said sinisterly.</p>
      <p>"Yeah... I'm gonna make him <strong>hurt</strong>..." Purple growled.</p>
      <p>Well, the main screen turned on and Zim was now running around and around in his lab, the brain parasite stuck to his head as he bawled like mad. GIR was eating mashed potatoes as RoboMom took pictures of RoboDad, who held Meef up.</p>
      <p>"My brain! My BRAIN!" Zim screamed. "HURTING ME TO THINK!" he gurgled out.</p>
      <p>Nick stood to the side, shaking his head slowly, sadly.</p>
      <p>"How can this beee! Nobody told me this would happen!" Zim yelled.</p>
      <p>Nick's eyes shot open and his body quivered. "RRRRRR…RRAAAAAUUUUUUHHHHH!" He screamed, his entire body going red from his shoes to his head. His head then promptly exploded into a fleshy mass and his body, still clenching it's fists as it held them up, quivered. RoboMom walked by in a bikini, holding up a sign that read "Nick Deaths: 7" with the 7 crossed out and the number 8 now up.</p>
      <p>Purple gaped. "I'm…gonna…throw UP!" He gasped, hovering off to the side.</p>
      <p>"AUGH! NO! Not on the <em><strong>doughnuts</strong></em>!" Red cried out.</p>
    </div>
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<a name="section0046"><h2>46. Mortos Der Soulstealer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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      <p>
        <em>But you don't worry...you don't worry...cuz you got soooul!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>MORTOS DER SOULSTEALER</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Erin put a pencil to her lip as she walked in the hallways of the large condo complex that the Resisty had as their new base on "Foodcourtia". The condo hallways were painted a lovely shade of peaceful green with big happy paintings on the wall depicting Mediterranean scenes that led to several doorways, including one which was a closet full of rotating knives, which was heavily soundproofed and-</p>
      <p>What? Oh, don't worry, they always locked it. WHY was there a closet filled with rotating knives? Well it went with the tubes that went through the walls and the buckets full of strange meat that were situated in a freezer room by the ice machines. Apparently, to save a few bucks, SOMEBODY had turned a slaughterhouse into an apartment condo.</p>
      <p>"So I'm glad you liked the SYMBOL I thought up…"</p>
      <p>"Yes." Lard Nar nodded.</p>
      <p>"Now whaddya think of us the anthem as THIS?" Erin asked Lard Nar as she and the leader of the Resisty discussed the "anthem" for their group. <em><strong>"All Irken Would-Be Conquerors beware, for we are here to fight! We're not afraid of you, and we'll take care to end this awful blight! We sing, our hearts united in the cause, our ears teary and misty, and so we'll shout, without a pause, "LONG LIVE THE RESISTY"!"</strong></em></p>
      <p>Lard Nar grinned. "I LIKE it!" He exclaimed. "Now can you make a DANCE remix?"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Dib walked through the graveyard of town, wearing a cloak and looking left and right as the clouds parted over the whole place. Some of the gravestones were witty, and read stuff like "Here lies the body of Johnathan Blake, Stepped on the Gas Instead of the Brake". Others were less witty, reading stuff like "I asked to be CREMATED, now I'm being Skull-F—ked By Maggots, You A$$holes". Shadows danced to Dib's side, circling around a center of tombstones. For a brief moment a FACE of shadow appeared on the ground, but then…it was gone…</p>
      <p>And then the ground collapsed, forming a brief smiley face before THAT turned into an ENORMOUS green-glowing pit of swirling necromantic energy. Horrific-looking bats and various souls shot up into the air, with the souls rushing together to form a funnel that reached up into the sky and green lightning split the air. A moment later HE fell down from the sky on his stomach and Dib pulled back his hood to look him over…</p>
      <p>A rather ugly being with large, clawed hands, a tattered coat and black hair that fell down in two long locks at the sides. Sharp red pupils in sunken eyes and fang-like teeth, and HORRID breath, this was Mortos Der Soulstealer. Dib tugged on his coat and nervously spoke up. "Um, ancient traveler?"</p>
      <p>Mortos looked down at him with his. "Huh?"</p>
      <p>"Are you Mortos Der Soulstealer?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>Mortos stood up dramatically, placing his fists against his hips. "Yes, I am Mortos Der Soulstealer! Every thousand years Taoola aligns with Charcunga, I escape from the place beneath the Overworld to walk among mortals for one day!" He nodded his head. "Important plot point, this is."</p>
      <p>"What?"</p>
      <p>"Huh?"</p>
      <p>"…just go on."</p>
      <p>Mortos nodded. "Men hide behind furniture! Women spit loogies of terror! Animals void their bowels at the sight of Mortos Der Soulstealer!" Mortos remarked, laughing maniacally…before finally he coughed madly, laughing a BIT too hard. He covered his mouth as a small bubble emerged from it, flying up into the air. Dib wiped some "laugh spit" off his forehead and beamed.</p>
      <p>"Okay, GREAT!" He said happily as Mortos, who HAD been about to leave, gave him a look.</p>
      <p>"Hmm?"</p>
      <p>"I have a job for you!" Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>"Hmm?" Mortos raised an eyebrow.</p>
      <p>"Can you steal an alien soul?" Dib asked, pulling out a fancy digital camera from his jacket and showing off some pictures as he sat on the top of a nearby tombstone. One was of Zim placing a contact in at the school bathroom. Another was of Zim's SADLY short-lived attempt at trying to drink a SuckMunkey slushie. ANOTHER was of Zim and GIR dragging a box down the sidewalks of a sreet. "You see I've seen him walking around the city dragging a spooky looking box!"</p>
      <p>Mortos looked the camera over. "Hmm…"</p>
      <p>"I just know he's up to something! Something... evil!"</p>
      <p>Mortos handed him back the camera. "Mortos LIKE evil."</p>
      <p>"No, no. This is <strong>bad</strong> evil." Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>Mortos blinked. "…OH." He remarked. Dib leapt off of the grave, smiling happily.</p>
      <p>"That's where come in, Mortos."</p>
      <p>FWOOM! Green flames arose behind Mortos. "I AM MORTOS!" He proclaimed.</p>
      <p>"Uh, yeah, you are. " Dib remarked. He turned away and his glasses glowed eerily. "I've been going at Zim using technology all this time, but that hasn't been working out too well." He smirked. "So it's time to use some more supernatural tactics. Mortos?"</p>
      <p>He turned around and saw Mortos was…rubbing his FACE against a tombstone.</p>
      <p>"Uuuhh! Stone feel goood!" Mortos groaned happily.</p>
      <p>"Well?" Dib asked, going up to the large, demonic traveler of the planes.</p>
      <p>Mortos got back up and frowned, folding his arms across his chest. "Look, Mortos been away a thousand years. Don't want to waste time stealing LIFE JUICE of bug man from outer space!" he remarked, waving a claw in the air. "Mortos go now." He stated.</p>
      <p>"Hold it!" Dib said, pulling out an old pamphlet from his jacket and opening it up, making Mortos's eyes widen as a soul escaped from the pamphlet and into the air…how many souls were gonna be escaping from things in this little adventure? "According to the ancient pamphlet, you must grant at least one mortal a wish before you can return to the spooky realm!"</p>
      <p>Mortos snatched the pamphlet out of Dib's hands and growled. "Pamphlet STUPID!" He then crushed it under his foot, THEN pounded it with his fist. "GUH! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" He tugged at the long strands of hair on the side of his head and howled…then sighed. "Okaaaay!" He said, smiling. "<strong>But</strong> powers very weak from thousand years in place beneath the Overworld."</p>
      <p>Dib raised an eyebrow. "Okay, well, how do we fix that?"</p>
      <p>SOME TIME LATER!</p>
      <p>Nick, had been turned, for some weird reason he would not explain, BACK into a teenager, and was now more…SERIOUS and moody than before. He would become prone to sad shakes of the head and wistful gazes out of windows…and for another reason, the other Nick was still around, so now there were TWO Nicks.</p>
      <p>Therefore, Nick Grey had insisted on being called "Nicholas", and now he and White were walking in an alleyway that was right behind the MacMeaties on Maple Street. The OTHER MacMeaties. Nicholas's cross necklace swished back and forth as White held his gloved hands in his jacket's pockets... and then the albino popped THE QUESTION.</p>
      <p>"Say…why does Zim call you "hair beast"?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Nicholas's eyebrows shot up. He stopped in place, his pupils becoming VERY tiny.</p>
      <p>"It can't JUST be that head hair." White remarked, smirking visibly as Nicholas clenched his fists and veins of anger popped onto his arm, a frown covering his features. "What are you so ASHAMED of?"</p>
      <p>"FINE!" Nicholas yelled, throwing off his vest. "You wanna see ALL of it?!" He snapped, one eye going red, the other going all VEINY. In a few moments, he had nothing but his UNDIES on and was now standing in front of White, who let out a loooong whistle.</p>
      <p>"Wooo! WOW. That <strong>is</strong> a lot of hair. You could pass for a "furry"." White remarked as he looked at the large amount of hair on Nicholas's legs, under his arms and on his chest and stomach.</p>
      <p>Nicholas sighed. "At LEAST it can't get-"</p>
      <p>BOING!</p>
      <p>Suddenly he found his arms and FACE had grown hair! His arms had been KIND of hairy, but really only ZIM had been the most bothered by it. Now he had even MORE hair on him, including a moustache/beard combo! "WHAT?! What the Eich-Eee-Double-Hockey-Sticks is THIS?!" He proclaimed.</p>
      <p>"Welcome to PUBERTY." White remarked, smiling in a sly way as he held up a few "presents" for the teen. "Have some Barbasol and a razor, they'll become your beeeest frieeeeends."</p>
      <p>
        <strong>"Aw, no I saw that "Fairly Oddparents" Episode Keep Them Away From Me!"</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Meanwhile, INSIDE the Mac Meaties, Mortos was placing an order, scratching his butt with one of his clawed hands. "Two quarter Porkies with cheese, one Mc Grease, no cheese, Meaty Mc Meat Meat Meat, cheese, and Apple Pie with meat."</p>
      <p>Well, the MacMeaties employee rang the order up and Mortos began to shovel the food into his mouth. Dib read the Ancient Pamphlet of Spooky Doom over and raised an eyebrow. "Uh, Mortos, is this really how you recharge your unearthly powers?" He asked in a skeptical tone.</p>
      <p>"YES! Since before time began!" Mortos snapped at him, spewing food grease onto Dib's head. He then grabbed the employee by the head and lifted him up, growling in his face.</p>
      <p>"Uh…you gotta pay?" The employee asked.</p>
      <p>"Mortos not carry cash." Mortos growled.</p>
      <p>"Oh. Okay." Dib sighed, reaching into his pocket.</p>
      <p>Soon, he and and Mortos walked down the sidewalk. Mortos now wore a MacMeaties hat, and was chomping away on his last burger.</p>
      <p>"Mmm! Mortos' power... returning!"</p>
      <p>Dub turned a corner and saw the disguised Zim and GIR were walking down the sidewalk with a box that appeared to be labeled "Mutant Vermin". Zim reached inside, grabbed a squealing, red-eyed rat and tossed it into the open window of a nearby house. Zim then walked to the NEXT house, looking pleased with himself as GIR followed after, dragging the box, which was now tied around his neck.</p>
      <p>Dib hid behind the cover of the corner, eyes narrowing. "There's Zim! And his box is full of things! Let's go! Mortos!" He turned to see that…Mortos wasn't there. There was just a mailbox with a cat sleeping on it, who "meowed" happily. "Mortos?!" Dib frowned. Where'd he gone?</p>
      <p>As it were, at the "Clothing 'N Crap" down the street, Mortos was looking at a pair of big, black rubber pants. "Do Mortos' butt look big in these?" He asked an employee who had recommended the color. Lors rubbed his chin to ponder this question.</p>
      <p>Dib, who saw Mortos inside, ran inside of the pink-colored store walls and frowned. "Mortos, C'MON!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>"Mortos is trying on RUBBER PANTS!" Mortos yelled, getting in Dib's face again. "Mortos recharge faster when he look good. When Mortos look good, Mortos feel good."</p>
      <p>Dib sighed. "You're not recharged yet?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"Take long time to get back to full! Mortos been away a thousand years!" He then grinned. "And look, they <strong>squeak</strong> when I bend knees."</p>
      <p>Squeak-squeak-squeak! Mortos then bounced up and down. Squeeka-squeek-squeek-squeek, squeeka-squeek-squeek-squeek, squeeka-squeek-squeek-squeeka-squeek-squeek!</p>
      <p>"That's…a STUPID way to recharge." Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>"You dare insult the pants of Mortos!?" Mortos howled as green flames rose up around him again. Luckily Lors the store employee held up a rubber jacket.</p>
      <p>"A rubber jacket would make you feel <strong>fabulous</strong>!" He remarked.</p>
      <p>"He's <strong>GAAAAAAY!</strong>" Gay-Dar Dan sang out, standing among some mannequins nearby. Dib raised an eyebrow as he briefly looked back, then grabbed the jacket away from Mortos. "No! Mortos has work to do." He rolled the jacket into a ball and hurled it at the worker, whacking his eye.</p>
      <p>But then Mortos ran out of the store and Dib turned around. "Mortos? Where ya going?" He tried to run after him only to have Lors grab HIM by his head.</p>
      <p>"The pants aren't free, big boy!" Lors remarked. Dib sighed and pulled out a wad of cash from his pocket…</p>
      <p>SOME MORE TIME LATER…</p>
      <p>Dib panted as he ran along the sidewalk, looking at the random stores. "Mortos!? Where are you!? Mortos!? Mortos!?" He called out, looking left and right. Well, he didn't see Mortos Der Soulstealer, but he did see Zim the Incompetent Invader! "ZIM!" Dib hissed. Zim turned his head and blinked.</p>
      <p>"What?" He yelled.</p>
      <p>"ZIM!" Dib said loudly.</p>
      <p>"WHAT?!"</p>
      <p>"ZIM!"</p>
      <p>"WHAT?"</p>
      <p>"ZIM!"</p>
      <p>"WHAT?"</p>
      <p>"You won't get away with it!" Dib shouted, pointing at him.</p>
      <p>"That's very nice of you!" Zim said happily.</p>
      <p>Dib tugged at his hair in sheer frustration. "NO! Your PLAN! I'm going to stop you! I've got a secret weapon!"</p>
      <p>"Well where is it?"</p>
      <p>Dib bit his lip. "…AROUND…SOMEWHERE…"</p>
      <p>"Well can it protect you from... THIS!?" Zim cried out, his words echoing in the street as GIR raised his arms up and took his doggy suit off quickly.</p>
      <p>"SAMMICH!" He yelled, pointing his head at Dib and PFOOMPHA! A large sandwich shot out from the folds inside. All of time slowed as the sandwich soared through the air, a mayonaissy-blend of MAYHEM as Dib's eyes widened.</p>
      <p>"NOOOOOO-"</p>
      <p>PLORK! It whacked him so hard it sent him flying into the wall behind him. Zim laughed as GIR disguised himself again and then they walked off, Dib groaning as he fell out of the Dib-crater in the wall he'd made.</p>
      <p>"I had a sammich in my head." GIR laughed.</p>
      <p>"I know. You put it there." Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>Dib shook his fist. "Laugh now, space monster, but my weapon is so powerful it... it... buys rubber pants…" He frowned. "That…sounded more impressive in my head-"</p>
      <p>SQUEEK!</p>
      <p>"Mortos?!" Dib gasped, running towards the sound of the squeaking. He saw a large carnival was in town once more, complete with many rides like the Salt and Pepper Shakers, the Tilt-N-Twirl, the Swirling Coffee Cups, the Ferris Wheel…and what MORTOS was in, the Bee Carts. He was spinning around, hands held above his head…the SMELL from his pits making some kids behind him violently ill.</p>
      <p>"What is <strong>wrong</strong> with him?" Dib groaned, slapping his hand over his face.</p>
      <p>Mortos then stood up, lifting a few children up into his palm and holding them up in the air as he shouted "I AM MORTOS" again.</p>
      <p>Dib sighed as the ride eventually came to a stop and Mortos headed over to a purple-haired, bored-looking young woman who was manning a carnival stand. He held up one clawed hand behind him and a child passing underneath had his food stolen. He sucked up some pizza, a soda, a hot dog, and a candy cane from a baby. He was asking if she'd call him sometime.</p>
      <p>"Alright!" The woman, Darlene, sighed. Mortos grinned and stuffed the food into his hands. Then he held his hand back out again and turned back to Darlene. "So, what's your-"</p>
      <p>FWOOMP! He felt something VERY heavy hit his palm. He turned around and saw DIB had been sucked up into his palm.</p>
      <p>"You ditched me!" Dib complained.</p>
      <p>"Yes, Mortos ditch you, and Mortos sorry." Mortos apologized, putting Dib down and patting his head. "But many years ago, Mortos trust little boy like you, little boy named…Flootchy! He sang SONGS to Mortos…and then break Mortos HEART!" Mortos sobbed, covering his face with his clawed hands as White played a violin on the metallic guard rail that surrounded the Bee-Cart ride that Mortos had been on. One of them got too close and knocked him clear through the air with a nasty THA-WHACK. He collided with something off-screen, and apparently it was hard, judging by the amount of cursing that followed.</p>
      <p>"Now, dark energy of Universe Mortos' only friend!" Mortos said sadly, shaking his head.</p>
      <p>"Oh, I'm sorry…" Dib said gently.</p>
      <p>"AND Darlene here." Mortos added, jabbing his thumb at Darlene, who waved at Dib.</p>
      <p>"Hiiii!"</p>
      <p>Dib clenched his fists. "GAH! I can't believe I almost bought that SOB story! Mortos, you're no mighty master of spooky powers, like the pamphlet said! You're just a... a big mooch!" Dib growled.</p>
      <p>Mortos's eyes narrowed. "You call Mortos mooch!?"</p>
      <p>Dib nodded. "Yes, a mooch!" He said angrily.</p>
      <p>"MOOCH!?"</p>
      <p>"That's RIGHT!" Dib growled.</p>
      <p>"Mooch mooch mooch mooch mooch mooch!?" Mortos growled.</p>
      <p>Dib walked off…but then he stopped when Mortos SLAMMED his feet into the ground and howled out "YOU WANT SEE POWER?! I SHOW YOU POWER!"</p>
      <p>Mortos's body glowed with green energy and the sky swirled it's clouds overhead as the ground cracked open, spewing creepy green light from the bowels within as MORE souls flew into the sky. People ran for their lives as the necromantic energy forced the souls that were flying upward into various carnival rides. Some of them shot into a clown-headed ride with spinning carts, turning the carts into clawed hands that swung at the children nearby. Another ride became possessed and spikes grew from it's form as it broke free from the ground and walked towards the first ride, and the two began to duke it out in "Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla" style.</p>
      <p>"Wow! Mortos, I believe you now! I always believed you, but you just seemed so..." Dib bit his lip. "…oh, anyhow, let's go get Zim!"</p>
      <p>Dib ran off…but Mortos sighed. "Mortos…use up all power…with that. Must return…to spooky home. Mortos weak…uhhhh…"</p>
      <p>Dib held his head. "NOOO! Mortos! Don't leave!" Dib yelled, running back to him.</p>
      <p>Mortos turned to look at him. "Well... Maybe I stay... if somebody help me recharge some more."</p>
      <p>Dib smiled and held out his hand, and Mortos squeezed it. "Mmmm!"</p>
      <p>FWOOSH! Dib was momentarily sucked of his life force and Mortos gulped, looking at the "human raisin" who was now moaning, holding his head with one gnarled hand. "Oops. Sorry." Mortos apologized.</p>
      <p>SOME MORE, <strong>MORE</strong> TIME LATER!</p>
      <p>Mortos was at the puppy store, and he lifted two puppies up, smiling happily as they licked him. He was VERY withered, though no longer old in appearance, and he had on a "beer-drinker" cap with two beers with bendy straws attached, balloons in his hand and a bag full of candy…</p>
      <p>And a pink elephant toy. Don't ask.</p>
      <p>"Who likes the soulstealer, hoho? Yes you do! Yes you do! Do do! Oh, do do do! Doggy doo!" Mortos laughed happily.</p>
      <p>Maurice the Puppy Man hung up the phone he'd been on and frowned. He had an outfit that looked like a dog's face, with a hat that had two brownish puppies tied to his head. "Hey! I said no loitering! I've called the police already, you hear me?"</p>
      <p>"Come on, Mortos." Dib said.</p>
      <p>"You scaring puppies!" Mortos remarked disapprovingly. He petted the heads of the puppies, smiling. "Mortos apologize for mean boy, puppies! Oh yeeeah! Ooooh!"</p>
      <p>GIR appeared at the window, licking the glass. "PUPPIES!"</p>
      <p>"No, GIR! You can eat later!" Zim yelled in desperation, tugging GIR away. "And I told you, that's on the list! Now C'MON!"</p>
      <p>Dib turned his head, gasping. "Zim's out there! Mortos, let's go! You don't have much time left!"</p>
      <p>Mortos held up some MORE puppies, beaming. "Don't worry, Mortos almost recharged!"</p>
      <p>He then saw a nearby soda machine and dropped the puppies, eyes widening. "Ooh, Soda! Mmm!"</p>
      <p>Dib frowned and raised an eyebrow as Mortos headed over to the machine. "Hey, why do they have sodas at a pet store?"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>"You didn't have to yell at me." GIR said in a tearful tone.</p>
      <p>"Mmm-hmm…" Zim mumbled.</p>
      <p>"It's just... I got rid of my sammich."</p>
      <p>"Mmm-hmm…"</p>
      <p>"I's just thinkin'-"</p>
      <p>"GIR! Another mutant biting thing!" Zim ordered.</p>
      <p>GIR saluted. "Yes, vermin lord!" He grabbed a mutant rat from the box and handed it to Zim, who hurled it into another window.</p>
      <p>"Onward to victory!" Zim shouted.</p>
      <p>"Zim! I don't know what your plan is, but I'm gonna stop it!" Dib yelled, appearing behind them and pointing with his "Finger of Truth".</p>
      <p>"I am infecting this city with genetically enhanced vermin, but you'll never know!" Zim told Dib, opening up the top of the box briefly.</p>
      <p>"You just told me." Dib said.</p>
      <p>"You're lying!" Zim yelled.</p>
      <p>"You can't DO this!" Dib protested.</p>
      <p>"Yes I can. It's not on the list." Zim held up a small list made of paper. At the top it read "Things Zim Is Not Allowed to Do In Evil Plans". There were "Involve Babies", "Use Weasels", "Let GIR Eat Anything Cute", "Sneak Into Rooms at Night" and "Bring Sexy Back". "See? Genetically-enhanced vermin's not on there." He insisted, jabbing a claw at the list.</p>
      <p>It was then that Mortos walked up behind Dib, drinking a soda. Dib grinned happily. "Ah-HA! Mortos! Grant my wish now! Steal Zim's life force!"</p>
      <p>"Still powering up." Mortos announced.</p>
      <p>SLURP!</p>
      <p>"Almost there!"</p>
      <p>SLURRRRP!</p>
      <p>"Eh…"</p>
      <p>SLURRRRRRRPPP!</p>
      <p>"…THAT'S your secret weapon?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>Dib pouted slightly. Both Zim and GIR then shrugged and GIR spoke up again. "So, about my sammich..."</p>
      <p>"Mmm-hmm…"</p>
      <p>Well, Dib was not gonna let this happen. He just TACKLED Zim to the ground and the two began rolling around as Zim yelled angrily.</p>
      <p>"I'll hold him here while you power up, Mortos!" Dib told Mortos.</p>
      <p>"AAA! Get off of me! You smell like human!" Zim yelled.</p>
      <p>Zim hurled Dib away…knocking the box of vermin over, who scattered off into the alleyways of the city's streets. "OH! The VERMIN!" Zim protested.</p>
      <p>"Weeeee!" GIR cheered, clapping his hands, then dancing by standing on his head. Dib knocked Zim over with a harsh push and held up the box he'd been using to carry the vermin inside.</p>
      <p>"Mortos, where ARE you?" He yelled back.</p>
      <p>Indeed, where was he? Still drinking his soda. Zim and Dib were now rolling around on the ground, punching and kicking each other. Dib tugged on Zim's arms, Zim smacked Dib's face…</p>
      <p>And Mortos finished the soda. "Ahhh! Refreshment! Mortos grant wish now! What you want again? Helloooo?" He frowned as he saw the two going at it…and Dib wasn't listening to Mortos.</p>
      <p>But then ANOTHER person walked down the street, Da'Cone, a purple-haired young man with a big red shirt that had "F" written on the front. "Wee-hooo! I wish I had me some ice cream!" He remarked.</p>
      <p>"Your wish is GRANTED!" Mortos yelled.</p>
      <p>The entire city shook, and a large vortex opened up from the sky, making Dib and Zim stop in place. A spooky-looking undead ice cream man emerged from the vortex of green light and began to scoop some ice cream for a small group of kids who now approached. The first customer was, naturally, Da'Cone, who took the ice cream cone away and licked it. "Whaddya know, a-ICKY!" He stuck his tongue out. "Rum Raisin? I-LOVE-ROCKY-ROAD!" He shouted, shaking his fist in the air as the ice cream man shot back into the vortex, taking the kids with him.</p>
      <p>Dib tugged at his hair. "NOOOO!"</p>
      <p>Mortos yawned. "Mortos so weak! Must go return now..." He said as the ground in front of him opened up.</p>
      <p>"Nooo! Mortos, you still owe me!" Dib yelled.</p>
      <p>"Maybe next time, you not be so cheap with Mortos! See you in a thousand years!" Mortos remarked. He leapt up as if to fall inside the pit…but then soared up into the dark clouds above, vanishing.</p>
      <p>"NOOOOO!" Dib yelled, lying on the ground and banging his head against the street. Zim poked him with a stick, blinking.</p>
      <p>"Eh?"</p>
      <p>"NOOO!"</p>
      <p>"Okaaaay…well, guess I'll get on with my evil schemes then. Come on, GIR." Zim remarked as he and GIR dragged the empty box away.</p>
      <p>Dib sighed and stood up. "This CAN'T get any worse."</p>
      <p>WOOO! A siren shot through the air as a light from a cop copter shone down on Dib, as many cars surrounded him. Two cops grabbed ahold of Dib as he looked back and forth at them. "Wh-what? What're you? What's happening!? Put me down!"</p>
      <p>Maurice the Puppy Man stood nearby, pointing at Dib, who's eyes went wide. "Oh C'MON!" He groaned.</p>
      <p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
      <p>"INSANE BOY TERRORIZES PUPPIES IN PET STORE". Nicholas remarked as he put down the newspaper and shook his head. "Dib, what am I going to do with you? What did puppies ever do to YOU?"</p>
      <p>"Hey, I TOLD you, it was…" Dib frowned. "Wait…what's with those nicks on your neck and chin area?" He asked. "Why does the space under your nose look red too?" He inquired, eyebrow raised.</p>
      <p>EARLIER THAT DAY, AFTER A SHOWER…</p>
      <p>"Okay, I just slap the alcohol aftershave stuff onto my face, it helps with the shaving, how hard can this be?" Nicholas asked out loud, dabbing the alchohol onto his hands before slapping them against his face.</p>
      <p>SCHUMP!</p>
      <p>(Cut to a scene of the Earth, which begins to shake)</p>
      <p>"…AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"</p>
      <p>PRESENT…</p>
      <p>"…shaving isn't fun, Dib…shaving isn't fun."</p>
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<a name="section0047"><h2>47. Zim Eats Waffles!</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>Waffles, Belgian and Potato, all kinds taste good, oh yes they do!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>ZIM EATS WAFFLES</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Nicholas sighed as he sat behind his desk at school, once more substituting for Ms. Bitters, who had unfortunately broken her laugh box when she'd cackled madly at a child in pain. He looked the classroom over, seeing the many young faces and sighed. "You kids have no idea what it's like to grow up." He mumbled. "In a few years all the fun times you're having will just be memories for YOU too."</p>
      <p>He sighed and sank back in his chair. "Ah, but I can't whine. If you burden your friends too much, you won't have any."</p>
      <p>Zim raised a fake eyebrow. "From what I understand, that is what…" He realized he couldn't say "human" and instead just skipped over the word. "COMPANIONS are for." He remarked.</p>
      <p>Nicholas blinked, sitting up. "You really…consider me your companion? Your FRIEND?"</p>
      <p>"What else WOULD I consider you?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"I dunno, a way to rebel against the system, a source of snacks, a punching bag, the list is endless!" His substitute teacher remarked.</p>
      <p>"Let's stick with friends." Zim said.</p>
      <p>The teenager grinned and then held up his arm. "Hey…watch this!" He tried to get out a musical armpit fart but failed miserably. "Aw, I never could do it right."</p>
      <p>"What are you, three?" Dib laughed. "Besides…" He grinned. "THIS is how you do it!" He said, holding up his arm, putting one hand underneath and letting out a "PHA-BBBBHTTAAHHH".</p>
      <p>"You're DISGUSTING." Zim said, sticking his tongue out. "And you're doing it all wrong! It's more like THIS!" He said, using his left arm and making a loud "FRAAAARRBBBPHT" noise.</p>
      <p>"Hey, kids, get a load of THIS!" Principal Prickley's voice called out from down the hall.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>PHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTT!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>A horrid green stench ran through the hallways as Zim gasped in horror, clutching his neck like he was choking. Dib fell out of his seat along with several other children and their substitute teacher covered under his desk.</p>
      <p>"Principal Prickley, WE were using our <strong>ARMS</strong>!" Nicholas yelled out.</p>
      <p>White gasped, staggering down the hallway and falling to his knees, turning blue. <em><strong>"You gotta see a DOCTOR, Prickley!" </strong></em>He gagged out.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…enough of that sad moment. Now we bring you to the cul-de-sac Zim reluctantly called home. GIR, in his doggy suit, was walking down the street, happily humming "The Best Day Ever" as he held groceries in one hand and sipped from a SuckMunkey slushie in the other. What he DIDN'T see was a strange, mirrored blur that was zooming around from place to place, sneaking towards Zim's house, going alongside of the robot.</p>
      <p>GIR headed into the front yard and reached the front door, opening it up. GIR then let out an insane scream and turned around, throwing the contents of his SuckMunkey slushie cup right into the face of an invisible Dib, who's stealth suit sent out sparks of electricity as it was doused by sugary goodness.</p>
      <p>"I, um..." Dib gulped.</p>
      <p>"INTRUDER!" GIR exclaimed. Then he grabbed a cookie from the grocery bag and ate it. Dib backed up slightly, eyebrow raised, then pulled off his skin-tight, flesh-covered mask that had come with the suit and handed GIR a small, blue spy camera.</p>
      <p>"Hey, would you mind putting this spy camera inside Zim's house so I can... spy on his evil and stuff?" Dib asked, extending the grey pod-shaped camera to it's full width.</p>
      <p>"Okey-dokey!" GIR said happily, taking the spy camera and heading inside, closing the door behind him.</p>
      <p>"I should've tried this a long time ago." Dib said cheerfully. Then a red-capped garden gnome blasted him in the back with it's laser fists. Dib groaned and fell to the ground, then took off as the gnomes fired off at him. Luckily, Dib was quicker, and soon he was already running inside his house, up the stairs, and into his dark blue room. He ran to his computer, which had the desktop image of a UFO with the words "THEY'RE HERE" in red letters underneath.</p>
      <p>"At last I've got a real video camera inside Zim's house! This time, I'm prepared!" Dib swore, clenching his fist. He pressed the "Enter" key on his keyboard and folded his arms, looking smug as floating holo-vid monitors of the Swollen Eyeball network hovered in from a hole in the ceiling, spreading around the room. Several computers that were shaped a lot like little hard drives extended up from the floor. "Camera Dib 1- check!" Dib remarked. "Record Drives Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Stevie, check!"</p>
      <p>The hard drives whirred as Dib turned around, placing his hands on one of them, frowning at the sight of the words "Broken" being displayed across the drive's repair screens. "What!? I can't record any of this with the drives broken!" He turned to the PC. "Computer! Run the disk repair!" he ordered. "Tell me as soon as the drives are functional again."</p>
      <p>A little window popped up in his computer, showing off a doctor that was hitting a drive with a hammer, the first in a line of drives. Dib placed his fingers together and smiled to himself. And now, Zim, to discover your next evil plan!" He announced, pressing some more buttons on the keyboard. Soon the words "Establishing Video Link" appeared and within moments Zim was shown in his kitchen, in a disguise, reading the news section of the newspaper. He was sucking on a "Lick-A-Maid" stick...essentially only snack foods and heavily sugared items could be taken into his system.</p>
      <p>GIR, who had put down a bowl, a cartoon of milk and a box of "Krazy Flakes" onto the table, waved at Zim and poured some Krazy Flakes into the bowl.</p>
      <p>"Hey, look! They're gonna start making artificial beavers!" Zim announced.</p>
      <p>GIR opened up the milk cartoon as Dib gasped. "He's after our beaver technology! Is this his next evil plan?"</p>
      <p>GIR then got up and walked away as Zim took a breath. "Well…time to work on my next evil plan!"</p>
      <p>"Talk about perfect timing!" Dib said happily, grinning to himself. He turned around and frowned, seeing that none of the drives were repaired yet. "Ugh, no drives yet! But the Swollen Eyeball Network's gotta see this!"</p>
      <p>FWOOM! A monitor rose up and video feed showing the mysteriously-shadowed Agent DarkBooty.</p>
      <p>"Agent DarkBooty here."</p>
      <p>"I have a video feed from the alien's house!" Dib said, gesturing at the video screen of his PC. It showed Zim was still eating his candy and reading the newspaper while GIR stuck his head into the cereal bowl, sucking up the Krazy Flakes.</p>
      <p>"Hmm. Agent Mothman, once I tied Bigfoot's toe hairs together. It was very funny…until his insane fit of howling rage ended in tragedy for a family of campers."</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: A moment of silence as the two bowed their heads.</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"…my point is jokes do not have a place in the Swollen Eyeball network. Call back when you are serious."</p>
      <p>His monitor screen soared away. Dib frowned. "But-"</p>
      <p>"Yes! Time to work on my evil plan!" Zim announced.</p>
      <p>Dib's eyes went wide and he turned his head to see Zim was holding his fists in the air like he did when he got excited. GIR wasn't there, but Dib didn't care. "Oooh!" He said, a happy grin appearing on his face. What was Zim up to?</p>
      <p>"To cripple the humans by destroying-"</p>
      <p>"Guess who made WAFFLES?" GIR said happily, walking inside with a steaming plate of waffles.</p>
      <p>"I'm not going to eat that! YOU made it!" Zim snapped.</p>
      <p>"WAAAAAAAAA!" GIR cried, rubbing his eyes with his nubby hands as Zim folded his arms in front of his chest. "WAAAAAAAA!"</p>
      <p>"ENOUGH!" Zim yelled. "I will TRY some already!"</p>
      <p>Zim grabbed a fork from off the table and stuffed the waffles into his mouth, chewing for a while. "Well…they don't seem to be making me SICK…ya know, HUMANS eat things like this. This might actually might be a good way to build a tolerance to the human's filthy food! Okay, GIR! I will eat your waffles!"</p>
      <p>GIR jumped on the table, squealing happily before running out of the kitchen. Zim stabbed an entire waffle with his fork and held it aloft in the air. "And as soon as I'm done with these waffles, I will discuss my evil plan!"</p>
      <p>GIR walked in with ANOTHER plate of waffles and set it on the table, leaving. Zim put the waffle in his mouth as Dib leaned in."Yes! This is it!"</p>
      <p>"For this plan…" Zim said, mouth full of waffle. "I will create a-"</p>
      <p>He swallowed. "…HEYYY…these aren't bad! What's in 'em?"</p>
      <p>"There's WAFFLE in 'em!" GIR remarked.</p>
      <p>"YOU'RE LYIIIING!" Zim howled. He then composed himself. "Well GIR, I need a break from the talking of my new plan. Let's have some silence for a bit, huh?" He picked up ANOTHER waffle with his fork and stuffed it into his mouth. Dib just stared.</p>
      <p>"I liiike to make waffles." GIR remarked. "Waffa-waffa-waffa-waffa-waffles! Waffles! Waffles!" He sang out.</p>
      <p>Zim chewed the waffles over and over. He farted briefly, then swallowed. "…eh…"</p>
      <p>Then he went back to chewing another waffle.</p>
      <p>"Come on! The plan already!" Dib groaned, tugging at his hair.</p>
      <p>"I'm talkin' WAFFLES! Belgian or Potato! WAFFLES! Look in front of you NOW!" GIR sang. "Do you have a waffle? Wouldn'tcha be happier if ya did!"</p>
      <p>"Hey, you know who came by today?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"Hm?" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>"First it was Nicholas. He wanted help with…what was it?" Zim tapped his lip.</p>
      <p>Dib's eyes widened. "NICHOLAS, of course!" he quickly turned to his bed, where a TV was set up, and turned the two-way device on. It showed Nicholas was sitting at his own kitchen table, a root beer to the side. He looked VERY fatigued.</p>
      <p>"Well, I'm almost done with the 1040 forms." He told DL, who was sitting in a chair across from him.</p>
      <p>"Don't you mean da 1040 FORM, Nick-Nick-Nick-Nick-Na-Nick-Nick-Nick, Nickelodeon?" Darth laughed.</p>
      <p>"Oops, sorry, I forgot a comma. I'm almost done with the <strong>1,040</strong> forms." Nicholas said sadly.</p>
      <p>"Uh, you kinda made a mistake on page 1." White said, entering the kitchen.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, does that mess everything else up?" DL asked.</p>
      <p>Nicholas howled and held his head, banging it against the table. Seeing that the Guide was going to be no help, Dib sighed and turned the TV off, heading back to his laptop, listening to Zim speak again. "So I told him I didn't know anything about THAT and he left but then that ugly neighbor lady with the big head popped in, she was wearing this <strong>horrible</strong>-"</p>
      <p>For a moment something popped into the kitchen, then quickly popped out of sight. Zim blinked and looked back in the direction it had been. "Huh?"</p>
      <p>FWOOMP! Then the white-skinned, large-fanged, yellow-eyed demon squid leapt atop of Zim and thrashed him around, knocking the waffles away, one of which landed on GIR's head, who promptly began eating it.</p>
      <p>"Zim: Oh, mighty dung!" Zim yelled as he tried to cling to the edge of the table as the squid began wrapping it's tentacles around his head. "The giant flesh-eating demon squid has escaped!" He yelled.</p>
      <p>He was quickly pulled up and bashed against the table as GIR vomited up waffle to the ground.</p>
      <p>"Oh, MAN!" Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>"Security! Protect your master!" Zim cried out. Well, the RoboParents wheeled up.</p>
      <p>"Eat your veggies, son!" RoboDad announced. The squid promptly grabbed them, bit their heads off, then spat the heads away as Zim screamed.</p>
      <p>"GIR! Defensive mode!-OW!" Zim was NOW being bashed over the head with a microwave as GIR giggled and pink laser beams shot through the house. GIR just giggled and two ice cream cones emerged from his head, held up by a robotic arm. The squid took the ice cream cone and licked it as a strange, robotically-armored humanoid-creature walked by the camera.</p>
      <p>"Oh man, an Eyeball Agent has GOTTA see this!" Dib exclaimed.</p>
      <p>Agent Nessie's monitor hovered up, showing off the silhouette of a lab-coat-wearing scientist type. "Agent Nessie here."</p>
      <p>"Check this out! It's amazing!" Dib said, gesturing towards the monitor and…</p>
      <p>Seeing GIR was alone. Eating waffles.</p>
      <p>"A dog... eating waffles. <strong>Ha</strong> stinkin' <strong>HA!</strong> DarkBooty told me about you, Mothman!" Agent Nessie shook his head as Dib lowered HIS, groaning.</p>
      <p>"What happened?" GIR asked as Zim, looking very beat up, heading back into the kitchen.</p>
      <p>"Eh, he escaped." Zim mumbled, sitting in his chair as the sound of a motorcycle taking off was heard. "Oh well. He wasn't part of my new plan anyhow." He remarked, adjusting his toupee. "I'll need a test subject. Bring me…NIIIIICK!"</p>
      <p>GIR ran off…and returned with waffa-waffa-waffles! "These got peanuts and soap in 'em!" He announced, before taking off and wheeling young Nick up to the table. He was wearing a purple shirt and had a drill-like purple probe in his head. It had an orange Smiley Face at the top.</p>
      <p>"He's got a <strong>human test subject</strong>!" Dib gasped. "Why isn't THAT on "The List"?"</p>
      <p>BBZT! An electric shock went from the drill to the young kid's brain. "Ah yes, ummm, Nick! Neural experiment number 231!" Zim remarked, waving his hand in the air. "And how is the happiness probe in your brain doing today, filthy human?"</p>
      <p>"It's great! I never want to leave this magical place!" Nick said in his Southern accent. "I'm so happy! Gah-ha!"</p>
      <p>Zim grinned. "Excellent! Want some waffles?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Dib grabbed the sides of his head. "Zim's making him eat waffles! That poor kid... I gotta help!"</p>
      <p>He quickly pressed a button on another monitor nearby. "Please! I need somebody from the Eyeball net to believe me!"</p>
      <p>ANOTHER agent of the Swollen Eyeball appeared. "Agent Disembodied Head! I need a mobile Eyeball unit to-"</p>
      <p>"Agent Mothman? Stop callin' us!" Agent Disembodied Head snapped, the pigeon on his shoulder frowning.</p>
      <p>Dib frowned. "Then I'll try the FBI!" Dib yelled, shaking his fists in the air. He tugged another monitor over and it showed off a white-haired, sunglasses-wearing man who was sitting in a chair.</p>
      <p>"Hello, thank you for calling the FBI. My name is Greg. How may I help you?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Dib panted out the problem. "I have an emergency! There's a kid whose-"</p>
      <p>Greg laughed. "Hey, hey! You're <em>Dib</em>, right? Did you ever get that ninja ghost outta your toilet last summer?" He laughed.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, no thanks to YOU!" Dib snapped. "There's a kid in trouble!" He said, gesturing at Nick and Zim, who were eatin' waffa-waffa-WAFFLES!</p>
      <p>"It's GOOD!" Nick announced before he collapsed on the table.</p>
      <p>"Man! That kid sure loves his waffles!" He adjusted his sunglasses. "Stay right there. We're sending someone over to beat you up for playing jokes on the FBI!" He growled.</p>
      <p>"But look at the brain probe!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>Greg frowned. "…oh, ALRIGHT. We'll send someone over to investigate... when we get <strong>around</strong> to it."</p>
      <p>The transmission ended. Nick and Zim were looking sick though, and bubbles were floatin' through the air as GIR walked in with MORE waffa-waffa-waffles! "You look like you need waffles, poop poop poooop!" He said happily as Zim began to make sickening "urping" noises.</p>
      <p>"Yay!" Nick yelled.</p>
      <p>"I gotta stall for time!" Dib insisted, pulling up another monitor, this one which was connected to Bloaty's Pizza Hog. A bored-looking employee appeared on the screen, sighing.</p>
      <p>"Bloaty's Pizza Hog. We deliver, I guess..." He mumbled, slouching over the counter in his stupid-looking, pig-themed hat.</p>
      <p>Dib typed an address into his keyboard and transmitted it to Bloaty's. "I need you to deliver to this address right now!"</p>
      <p>"We guarantee we'll see what we can do." The employee mumbled before falling asleep on the spot, the transmission ending. Nick held his stomach as more shocks ran though him and Zim moaned.</p>
      <p>"Maybe I bought some time! The suspense is unbearable!" Dib groaned, biting his nails. "Hurry up, FBI!" He yelled.</p>
      <p>"And now, GIR, to test my evil plan on this child!" Zim announced.</p>
      <p>"NOOOO!" Dib yelled.</p>
      <p>But then GIR walked in with…oh, do I REALLY gotta tell you?</p>
      <p>"No more waffles, GIR!" Zim demanded. GIR wailed in response, knocking the plate of waffles off his head. "No, REALLY, I'm starting to feel SICK."</p>
      <p>GIR's lip quivered sadly before he wailed again, picking a waffle up and tapping it against Zim's head.</p>
      <p>"…ALRIGHT! I'll eat just one more piece!" Zim snarled, grabbing the waffle and stuffing it into his mouth. Unfortunately before he could swallow it, he gagged and gasped, pointing forward. "AH! The hideous mutant squid that escaped has created an army of cyborg zombie soldiers to do its evil bidding!" He cowered from the approaching army, holding up a waffle like a magic charm. "No! Stay back! Stay back! Nooo!"</p>
      <p>In the clawed, armored, insectoid-eyed robots came, taking Zim along with them. One of them glanced at GIR, then walked off, as Nick kept eating more waffles. The SQUID then popped up, grabbing Zim and knocking him clear into Dib's camera, knocking it over to the ground. "ALPO! OWWW!" Zim yelled.</p>
      <p>Dib DESPERATELY pressed the monitor button for Agent Darkbooty. "Agent DarkBooty! Answer! Agent DarkBooty! Booty!" He yelled.</p>
      <p>The shadows of the squid and the cyborgs could be seen on the wall, all beating up Zim.</p>
      <p>"Augh!" Nick's eyes went wide. "It's horrible! Horrible! Army of cyborgs render Zim's very flesh!" He then grinned. "Oh dear God, it makes me so happy! Hehe!"</p>
      <p>DING-DONG!</p>
      <p>"Hello. Bloaty's Pizza."</p>
      <p>"Uhoh." Dib gulped. He'd just killed a pizza delivery guy. He wondered how many years in Hell that would get him.</p>
      <p>Nick then grinned at a sight Dib (and I'm sure all of YOU…) REALLY wanted to see. "Hehe, now the cyborgs are eatin' pizza AND the FBI agents 'r bein' cooconed and fed to squid babies that just flew in from the winda! Ooh, what's that thing Zim's got?"</p>
      <p>Zim held up a plunger and waved it in the air, his shadow shown on the wall. "Don't make me use this! I'll do it!"</p>
      <p>THWOOOOOOM! An ENORMOUS dark shockwave rippled through the air and waffles, pieces of a "Bloaty's Pizza Hog" costume and pizza slices were blown through the air. GIR popped back up, a plate of waffa-waffa-waffles in his hands as he began to hum a theme from "Blues Clues".</p>
      <p>Dib gaped at the sight as Agent Darkbooty appeared on the monitor. "What IS it, Mothman?"</p>
      <p>He saw Nick and GIR were eating waffles and he shook his head. "OH, you make me sick…" He grumbled, ending the transmission.</p>
      <p>"No! Wait! There was a mutant! And cyborgs!" Dib howled, shaking the monitor.</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>Dib gasped, turning to look at the computer drives. "YES! The record drives are fixed! I can show it to the Eyeballs later!" Dib grinned. "Your waffle-eating days are over, Zim!"</p>
      <p>Zim staggered back into view, cuts and bruises all over his body. "Well, thankfully I was able to reprogram those cyborgs at the last minute and send them off to do horrible things to the humans…but NOW for my evil plan!" But then he blinked. "Hey! I forgot what my evil plan was! Oh well. GIR, your waffles have sickened me!" He announced, pointing upwards. "Fetch me the BUCKET!"</p>
      <p>Dib screamed. "ARGH! The plan! What was the plan!?" He yelled, shaking his computer monitor.</p>
      <p>"BLEEEEAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!" Zim vomited, puking into an enormous bucket and making Dib stick his tongue out in disgust.</p>
      <p>"Oh well... Least I have something recorded on disk! It wasn't a total loss." Dib remarked, typing on his keyboard…</p>
      <p>CRASH!</p>
      <p>Then the cyborgs came! They broke in through the windows and stomping around, crushing his computer and his record drives before they all stomped out of his room. Dib gaped at the sight of the wrecked room he now had as pieces of wall fell down to the floor and his computer's remains sizzled with electricity. He sat down on his bed, blinking, then held his fists up, screaming. "NOOOOOOOOOOO-"</p>
      <p>Then he shut his eyes and mumbled "Whatever", deciding to go to bed early, wrapping his blanket over himself.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Review! And enjoy another "Ask an Irken", this time with Invader Tenn!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>"I've seen some odd things mentioned by Zim. What's with terms like "backwater" and "Oh IRK" and "Tallest Grapa's Pain"?"</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Well humans, I'll tell you. A backwater planet...is a hick planet. A place that I would not wish to sent my non-existent MOTHER to. Oh Irk is a common exclamation because our entire society stems from there AND we Irkens do MOST of our training off of Irk. The few times we get to go there...they're magical. (Smiles happily) Ahhh...those were the days. Uh, it's sort of like how you humans say "What on EARTH"! And poor Tallest Grapa...his was a sordid story involving-</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>(Sadly, due to a spilling of orange soda that RUINED much of her written response, we were only able to gleam so much from the rest of her words. Nevertheless, here's what we found:) _Tallest Grapa_weapons everywhere_gay lover_ions, if not BILLIONS of _and EVERYBODY was f_pushed into a paper shredder_size of a what you humans call a "postage stamp"_took months to clean off_they still remember the screaming.</strong>
      </p>
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<a name="section0048"><h2>48. The Girl Who Cried Gnome</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>Everybody's talking about waking up the neighborhood, I'm still trying to escape! Stuck in America! Stuck in America!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>THE GIRL WHO CRIED GNOME</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"What do you think of this t-shirt?" Erin asked Spleenk, holding it up for the four-armed alien to look over as they sat in the lounge room.</p>
      <p>It was a black, sleeveless t-shirt that had several "models" for the many different Resisty members. It also had the symbol for the Resisty on the front along with the motto they'd all agreed on...RESIST OR DON'T! Spleenk rubbed his chin with one hand while his other hands were placed on his hips, save for his upper left arm which was holding onto a large soda.</p>
      <p>"Hmm…it looks nice, but I think the logo's too big…" He told her.</p>
      <p>"EVERYONE keeps sayin' that. Hmm…we need something CHIC." Erin reasoned, looking over the t-shirt. She frowned deeply. "Ooh, I just…I wanna do something GOOD with this! ARGH!" She groaned angrily. She then ripped the shirt up into little bitty pieces…and then noticed one chunk that had floated to the ground was now shaped like an…armband.</p>
      <p>Wait a tick…</p>
      <p> </p>
      <p>"Whaddya think of THIS?" Erin asked, grabbing her paintbrush off of her ear and quickly going to work, her tongue poking out of the side of her mouth as she painted on the makeshift armband. Soon it now had the Resisty logo etched out on it in silver lines. She showed it off to Spleenk, grinning. "Huh?"</p>
      <p>"Wow…that's GOOD! Could you make it in different colors? I like GREEN…" Spleenk asked eagerly, clapping all his hands together, dropping the drink.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p> </p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…orange hair that shot out from both sides of her head, a white and red "G"-insignia helmet and a big smile…this was Moofy. And more importantly, this was Moofy with a box of NINJA STAR COOKIES. I mean, they were chocolate covered and shaped like ninja stars, aka shuriken! What was not to love? Well, apparently, the next-door neighbor of Zim thought otherwise as he looked Moofy over.</p>
      <p>"Wanna buy some chocolate covered ninja star cookies Mister!?" Moofy asked cheerfully, tilting her head to the side. "Huh!?" She asked happily in her high-pitched, squeaky voice, a sad result of her mom feeding her helium instead of breast milk. The full details as to WHY are sordid and sketchy at best.</p>
      <p>The man frowned. "No thank you."</p>
      <p>Well, Moofy got MAAAAD. She flung the box of cookies in her hands down and began to growl and shake madly. The man gasped. "Wh-what are you doing?"</p>
      <p>She took a step forward, coming closer…CLOSER…</p>
      <p>"No…get away! No! I got a wife and two kids! NOOOOO!"</p>
      <p>FIVE MINUTES LATER…</p>
      <p>The man was now on the floor, a mouthful of ninja cookies stuffed into his face as he groaned, MORE ninja cookies holding him to the floor. Moofy was a VERY good shot. She held up the large wad of cash that she'd gotten from this latest sale and looked over at the next house down the way…a green, slightly glowing house with a triangular top and garden gnomes out front…</p>
      <p>Yes, ZIM'S house. But what was Zim doing? He was in his laboratory, standing in a room filled with containment tubes. He was examining a cyborg squirrel and typing into a control panel, humming to himself. "Hmm-hmm-hmm…ha-hmm…hmmm-hmm." He grinned. "Ooh, lookit all the cute little bones!...I'm gonna turn 'em inside out."</p>
      <p>Then a viewscreen emerged from the ceiling, hanging behind Zim. "PARAMETER BOARDING."</p>
      <p>"Oh, what is it this time?" Zim groaned. "I haven't the patience for-"</p>
      <p>Then he turned around and saw Moofy. INSTANTLY he thought of the hopped-up girl scouts who could take down grown beavers with their bare hands. "Girl with cookies! Girl with cookies!" He screeched, eyes wide. He pointed upward. "Computer! Release the robot gopher!"</p>
      <p>A mechanical tube thrust down onto a circular metal platform, placing a red-eyed mechanical gopher that had it's mechanical eye exposed, along with long, spiked feet. One mechanical arm shot out from the wall, snatched up the gopher, and stuffed it into a tube as Moofy entered Zim's lawn. "Lalalala!" She sang. "I like to eat the cookie! Lalalalalala, cookies!"</p>
      <p>Then she saw one of the lawn gnomes was shaking madly. Interested, she approached it as the robot gopher headed straight for her, going right underneath her! She screamed as her foot sank into the tunnel it had made and she desperately tried to tug it out. "My leg!"</p>
      <p>As per "Girly Ranger" rules, whenever a girly scout was incapacitated, the box of products they carried self-detonated to ensure "the enemy" that was the Guy Scouts could never use them for evil! So the box of cookies she'd been carrying on her head exploded as Zim watched the scene through a periscope/lawn gnome.</p>
      <p>"EXCELLENT, Gopher! Just as I programmed you to do! Now, complete your task!" Zim hissed as the robot gopher popped out of the ground in front of Moofy…</p>
      <p>And then began to break-dance. Zim blinked a few times as it spun around and around, then launched up into the air through a strange vortex. "…I didn't…program…THAT…" He mumbled. He looked at his "To-Do List", which had "Program Evil Gopher to Eat Girl with Cookies" at the top. GIR had written "DANCE" over it…</p>
      <p>So THAT explained it. Zim slapped his face as the "ugly neighbor lady" with her purple dress noticed Moofy was stuck and pointed at her. "Hey! That girl's caught in some kind of crazy hole of some sort! Call the media!"</p>
      <p>And someone DID! A flying "News 9" media ship which was shaped like a cross between a van with jets and a tricked-out Delorian touched down in front of Zim's house as a large crowd of people gathered to look at the scene. A newscaster emerged from the van and looked at Moofy, who was waving her arms wildly in the air.</p>
      <p>"Sweet mother of corn! That girl's in trouble!" He turned to Mr. Hummel. "How's my make up?"</p>
      <p>"Fine."</p>
      <p>"Good!" He leapt over to Moofy and raised a finger in the air. "CAMERAAAS!"</p>
      <p>Zim gasped as cameras surrounded Moofy. He retracted the periscope, eyes going wide, hands going to his face. "GAH! Okay! I can... I can fix this! Think, Zim..." He groaned, whacking his head. "…hey, I AM ZIM!" He exclaimed naturally.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE, GIR was running through the house, happily cheering as he raced down into the laboratory, a big smile on his face. "We're on TV! We're on TV!" He exclaimed, shaking his master before heading over to a nearby control panel and pressing the "ON" button that turned on the "Channel 9 News". It now showed a LARGER crowd had fathered at Zim's lawn as the blond-haired newscaster for Channel 9 faced the cameras.</p>
      <p>"A seemingly quiet neighborhood. An innocent girly ranger. A horrible tragedy. Hundreds have gathered in front of this freakish home to provide emotional support." He announced as Moofy popped up between his legs, waving.</p>
      <p>"Freakish home, that's good!" Zim muttered. "They don't suspect a thing! Still, this has gotten out of hand. The child has brought unwanted attention! So many human eyes, blind as they are, might notice something about my secret base!" Zim realized, typing into his control panel as a view screen popped out of his house. "I must step up the house's appearance and make it look MORE normal!"</p>
      <p>BOOM! The display screen now showed off green words that said "Earth Rocks" along with MORE garden gnomes that popped up in the streets around Zim's house as rescue workers approached Moofy. Though they LOOKED big and wore red, flashing emergency lights on their shoulders and heads with the word "RESCUE" imprinted on their chest, they were basically costumes. The Rescue Department kinda spent too much money on DESIGNING the costumes to actually make fully working outfits. "Do not be alarmed! We are here to help you!" The first rescue worker said, reaching for Moofy…</p>
      <p>Who clung to the nearest lawn gnome, shrieking. "Get away! Get away!" Well, they backed off, but a camera got close to Moofy, who happily waved. "Mom! Dad! Look at me! I'm in a hole!" She laughed.</p>
      <p>Zim groaned, then typed into his control panel down in his lab. "Roboparents! Cloud their minds with some neighborly hospitality!" He ordered, activating the RoboMom and RoboDad.</p>
      <p>Well, RoboDad wheeled out of the house, holding a newspaper whilst RoboMom wheeled out…with…a toilet.</p>
      <p>"Does anybody want muffins?" She asked</p>
      <p>One rescue worker who had a LARGE pair of scissor cheerfully waved. "Hi there!"</p>
      <p>Well, Moofy was NOT gonna let them cut her leg off to get her out. She began to fling dirt at the rescue worker, who shielded himself from this dirty assault. "My goodness." He said, falling over. "Murphy, this is worse than I thought!"</p>
      <p>"I hear ya, Lewis! Somebody call the president!" His partner yelled.</p>
      <p>Zim nonchalantly sighed. "Well that should do it for the base! Now, GIR! Time for some amazing disguises." He said, stepping back onto a platform that lowered into the ground, GIR following after him with a laugh.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib approached the crowd out in the neighborhood, looking around. One man was selling boots, or "Moofy Feet" at a stand. Another sold "Save Moofy" t-shirts. Some people were holding onto Moofy-headed balloons. Eyebrow raised at the sheer SPECTACLE of all of this and not knowing WHY this was happening, Dib turned to Mr. Eric Trueheart, who was holding up an "We Heart Moofy" sign.</p>
      <p>"Hey, what's goin' on?" He asked nonchalantly.</p>
      <p>"I dunno. But don't eat the muffins." Eric warned him as a man fell to his knees nearby.</p>
      <p>"The muffins…they SICKEN MEEEEE!"</p>
      <p>Dib blinked, turning to him. "…this is me walking SLOWLY away from you." He said, backing off, all the while still looking in that man's direction. He eventually turned and made his way closer, seeing that the TV crew and the crowd were paying attention to ZIM'S house. "What? ZIM'S house?"</p>
      <p>"Shh!" White said, putting his finger up over his mouth. "It's getting good!"</p>
      <p>"Here we are at minute four of this poor girl's ordeal." The newscaster announced. He held the microphone up to Moofy. "Moofy, how do you feel?" He asked, prodding her a little with the microphone. "Moofy!"</p>
      <p>"My... my leg's asleep..." She cried loudly and then smiled happily for the cameras, waving.</p>
      <p>"<em>Awww</em>..." Everyone said happily.</p>
      <p>"Just how many more minutes will she have to suffer until rescue crews can free her!? Huh!?" The newscaster demanded, getting in the face of the camera and turning slightly purple as veins bulged on his face. "HUH!?"</p>
      <p>"Uh, why don't they just pull her out?" Dib asked an old man nearby.</p>
      <p>"Cuz she's lodged in real good. And her foot's pokin' out over in China. PLUS she screams real scary when anybody comes near her."</p>
      <p>Moofy waved at Dib, who frowned.</p>
      <p>"Look at her! She's just smiling and waving! She just loves the attention! Wait a minute..." He rubbed his chin. He was getting a VERY good idea. "ATTENTION…if I could get inside the house I could expose Zim on NATIONAL TV!" He realized, eyes going all starry.</p>
      <p>But what was GIR up to? Well, he was watching the view screen in the lab with a bag of popcorn in his hand, shoving them inside his mouth.</p>
      <p>"Ah, yes, I've received word that President Man himself is on his way to the scene to take over this delicate, delicate operation." The newscaster announced as Zim stood by GIR's side, wearing a new disguise, one that was similar to GIR's disguise when Zim had been selling chocolate: that of a fat kid with big blue eyes and orange, scraggly hair. The nametag "Human" was located on his chest, and Zim was carrying a fake dog in his hand.</p>
      <p>"The Earth leader is on his way here!? GIR! This is getting bad! Very bad!" He groaned, looking to the side. Then his eyes narrowed. "Still, we may be able to use this..." He admitted softly.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib had cut through the crowd and was now facing down an ENORMOUS red-haired man with a sickly-green colored Girly Rangers outfit and thick gloves and boots. He'd bumped into this man and was apologizing</p>
      <p>"Sorry for bumping into you, miss-."</p>
      <p>"Yeah, watch where you're going!" Greg grunted out as three Girly Rangers leapt around him, one on each side with a third on top of his head.</p>
      <p>"I have to get by. Oh, and sorry for calling you Miss, I thought you were a woman." Dib apologized.</p>
      <p>"I AM a woman." Greg remarked.</p>
      <p>"…oh." Dib's pupils turned to little pricks as he sweat-dropped and looked to the side. "Uh, look, I've got this planetary salvation thing to do, so couldja just let me by and-"</p>
      <p>Greg of the Girly Rangers pointed at him. "You gotta buy some cookies first to support Moofy."</p>
      <p>One of the Girly Rangers held up a box of cookies with Moofy's face on top, holding it towards Dib. "I don't have TIME for this, the WORLD doesn't have time for this!" Dib complained, tried to run by only to have Greg pound his fist into the ground, blocking Dib from going further.</p>
      <p>"Don't you want to support Moofy!?" Greg growled.</p>
      <p>"Fine! Whatever!" Dib said, putting something into Greg's hand from his pocket and grabbing the box of cookies, running off.</p>
      <p>"Hey! This isn't money!" Greg yelled. "This is ham! You can't pay for cookies with ham!" She shouted, holding up a large ham.</p>
      <p>Dib blinked. "Why was there HAM in my pocket? I had fifty bucks in there…"</p>
      <p>White calmly whistled as he walked by, looking VERY spiffy in his new fifty-dollar "Moofy" sneakers. Dib, however, had to contend with the Girly Rangers, who leapt into the air, swinging their ninja star cookies at him! Dib swayed back and forth as everything went in slow motion and he expertly dodged them. The Girly Rangers responded by squealing angrily and rushing at him as Dib backed away further.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Moofy was facing another rescue worker who held up a doll. "Hey! Hey! Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo! Loo-loo-loo you've got some apples, loo-loo-loo I've got some too! Loo-loo-loo let's get together, see what we can loo-loo-loo!"</p>
      <p>Whilst Moofy was being distracted by the doll, another rescue worker carefully approached from behind to pull her up. BUT Moofy turned around, seeing him coming.</p>
      <p>And now it's time for Scream-O-Vision! Remember how it works, boys and girls?</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SCREAM!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"GET AWAY!" She shrieked, waving her hands angrily in the air and making both of the workers dive for cover as another rescue worker approached with a rope tied around his waist.</p>
      <p>"Miss, please, I'm only trying to help you!"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SCREAM!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>A scream sent him flying back. Now they used a copter jet, with a rescue worker strapped into a harness lowering his body down from it. "Goodness gracious, let me get you out of there!"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SCREAM!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Moofy screamed and the jet went flying backwards, knocking the rescue worker intoa nearby building…</p>
      <p>And then a nearby gnome behind her was tipped over by the force of the scream, bonking against her. Moofy's eyes watered and then…</p>
      <p>(We pan out to Earth.)</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SCREAM!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>(Now we pan out to the milky way!)</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SCREAM!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Meanwhile, the Tallest were on board the Massive, the Armada hovering over a moon of Vort which they were bombing to get rid of a resistance movement. They heard the scream and stiffened up, turning their heads.</p>
      <p>"What was THAT?" Purple asked.</p>
      <p>"And why do I feel ZIM'S behind this somehow?" Red asked.</p>
      <p>Unfortunately the bombing didn't continue, due to a robot gopher suddenly shooting clear through the massive, going right through the ship and blowing holes open in both the snack pods, forcing them to make a temporary retreat. But enough of that morbid tale…now back to Zim's house!</p>
      <p>"Ladies and gentlemen! All the way from President Land, I give you... President Man!" The announcer announced to the crowd as the white-haired, middle-aged President man waved his arms at the people. Yes, unfortunately he had left the coat hanger in his blue coat when he left the Oval Office. No, he wasn't very smart. But you know what the Americans say, the government represented THEM…</p>
      <p>Moofy watched as the newscaster held a microphone up for President Man to speak into. "Mr. President, what are you going to do to help this helpless child?"</p>
      <p>"I pledge that this fine Girly Ranger will be rescued... with both legs intact!" He announced dramatically in his southern accent as the crowd cheered.</p>
      <p>Dib ran towards President Man, quite giddy. This was more than he could hope for…the PRESIDENT was going to see Zim was an alien!</p>
      <p>Speaking of Zim, Dib suddenly heard Zim's voice speak out and his eyes went wide as he heard Zim's insidious words. "I think I may have discovered a way to end Moofy's pain. To end <strong>all</strong> your pain."</p>
      <p>Dib ran to a nearby television and saw Zim was standing before President Man in his new disguise. "Mr. President Man, since the unfortunate filthy ranger won't let anyone close enough to rescue her, the only way to get her out will be to use sonic vibrations!"</p>
      <p>The newscaster blinked. "Sonic... vibrations!?"</p>
      <p>"SILENCE!..." Zim grinned. "And yes! I even made this neat little chart!"</p>
      <p>He held up a chart that showed off a labeled picture of Earth with Moofy on it. A large, smashing-looking device was pounding at the surface of Earth. "Using a giant nuclear powered shaking machine, we can shake the entire Earth, jarring the poor girl loose." Zim announced, showing Moofy was, in fact, going to be popped out…though Earth would break apart.</p>
      <p>"Uh, we don't have that kind of technology…"</p>
      <p>"You can borrow MINE!" Zim said cheerfully.</p>
      <p>Dib's eyes went wide. "A machine like that would destroy the surface of the planet! All life as we know it-"</p>
      <p>"Y'all plan just might work! People love shakin'! Woo-hoo!" President Man remarked happily, doing a little ho-down on the spot. Dib frowned. What the hell was wrong with his government?!</p>
      <p>GIR, who had been sipping on a SuckMunkey slushie inside the living room watched as a triumphant-looking Zim walked inside the house. "GIR! Let's get out of here! Soon the Earth will shake until all the humans are nothing but soup!" He proclaimed. "Soup!"</p>
      <p>"What about us?" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>"I AM ZIM!" Zim yelled.</p>
      <p>Inside of a large tent with the words "Command Center" written at the top, President Man and his forces were gathered. "You! Get me the nuclear people on the phone! I want those viiiibrations!" President Man ordered as he turned to a secret service agent, turning away from a table that had a model of garden gnomes, Moofy and Zim's house on it.</p>
      <p>"Yes, sir!" The agent said, saluting as he began to dial on the phone.</p>
      <p>Then DIB walked inside. "Wait! I have a better plan!"</p>
      <p>President Man turned to look at him. "Who's that crazy boy!?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Dib raised his "Finger of Truth". "Just tunnel under her! She'll never know your coming so she can't fight it and her leg will be fine! Like this!"</p>
      <p>He walked under the table and snatched the Moofy model up through it. "And if you just happen to find an alien base down there, you can destroy it!" He remarked, eyes narrowing intently at the thought of Zim's base being destroyed. He imagined for a moment that he was holding a ZIM model in his hand and he squeezed the head of the model.</p>
      <p>"What's he talkin' about!?" President Man shouted. "Where's the charts!? Where's the pretty pictures!? This plan is stupid!"</p>
      <p>"Uh, I uh, have the uh nuclear people on the line." The secret service agent remarked.</p>
      <p>"IF you shake the Earth, we'll all be destroyed! That's what Zim wants!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>"That's a chance we're all going to have to take!" President Man stated. "Now GIT him out of- gaaaah! Wait a minute!" His eyes bugged out as he looked at Dib. "Are those…Chocolate Ninja Star Cookies?" He asked, pointing at Dib, who felt the back of his head, realizing some cookies had been embedded inside his large head.</p>
      <p>"Why…yes! Yes they <em>are</em>!" He said.</p>
      <p>"Ooooh! I love ninja star cookies! Ooooh!" President Man stated, eyes going all starry, his mouth drooling slightly.</p>
      <p>Dib grinned as he removed one of the cookie. "How about I make you a TRADE…"</p>
      <p>SOON!</p>
      <p>Zim was packing stuff up into the Voot Cruiser at the docking bay, with Zim no longer in his disguise. GIR happily squeezed a pig toy as Zim loaded in a box of "mementos" into the trunk of the Cruiser. "At last, GIR!" Zim announced as GIR tossed "piggy" into the trunk of the Voot. "We're finally through with this horrible planet! I can go HOME!" He said happily as GIR carried Nick on his back towards the ship. "And when the Tallest see I've destroyed this planet-"</p>
      <p>THEN a small hover monitor screen in the docking bay showed off President Man with Dib by his side. "Thanks to this <strong>delicious</strong> boy, we have a new plan for freeing young Moofy!"</p>
      <p>"BOY that sounded wrong." Dib mumbled.</p>
      <p>"We are gonna use this digging machine!" President Man announced, gesturing over at a HUGE machine that looked like the bastard child of a buzz saw that had mated with a large swing ride from an amusement park.</p>
      <p>"The Dib! The DIIIB!" Zim cried. "I don't care how delicious he is, he's EVIL!"</p>
      <p><em>"YOU'RE evil."</em> God announced. <em>"You're trying to blow up the Earth, remember?"</em></p>
      <p>"And he's trying to blow up ZIIIIM!" Zim protested. "So we're even!"</p>
      <p><em>"True…true…"</em> God admitted.</p>
      <p>"Now they'll find the base! There's only one thing I can do!" Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>GIR poked his head out of the Voot Cruiser. "Ooh, you gonna make biscuits?" Zim blinked at this. "You gonna make biscuits? You gonna make biscuits? You gonna make biscuits?" GIR asked over and over.</p>
      <p>"No, GIR. NEVER. And I NEVER want you to mention biscuits ever again."</p>
      <p>GIR's mouth hung open slightly.</p>
      <p>"…moving along!" Zim shouted. "To…the CLOSET!"</p>
      <p>(The symbol for Invader Zim is shown a-la "Batman style", spinning around and around before straightening up against a swirling-color background.)</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the digging machine had started up and people were watching in awe as Dib clenched his fists, eagerly grinning. Soon…soon Zim would be-</p>
      <p>What the? Zim was OUTSIDE his house and in his disguise.</p>
      <p>"Hey, what's that floppy guy doing!?" Someone shouted.</p>
      <p>"He's gonna rip her leg off!"</p>
      <p>"Get off my lawn, cookie beast!" Zim demanded angrily of Moofy. "Mostly cuz you're tearing up my grass!"</p>
      <p>"Noooo! I'm gonna be on TV <strong>forever</strong>!" Moofy screamed, waving to the cameras. Zim frowned and approached her, but she bore her teeth, lashing at Zim and sending him flying. She gnashed her teeth at the air and clawed the ground, going feral. Zim frowned and stood back up, holding up a paper bag.</p>
      <p>"Magic Flying Fast-Food-Sack!" He exclaimed, shouting even long after his mouth had closed. <strong>(</strong><strong>マジックは、飛んで、ファーストフード袋！</strong><strong>)</strong></p>
      <p>He puffed up the sack and then smacked both hands into it, flying up into the air and landing behind Moofy, promptly grabbing her and</p>
      <p>FWOOM!</p>
      <p>Lifting her clear up into the air! They all watched in amazement as Zim then put her down and headed back inside the house, muttering about how stupid humans could be. Moofy blinked a few times, then tried to hop BACK in the hole, but this time the Rescue Workers weren't afraid of her…she'd been "declawed". She was picked up and waved one last time to the camera as the newscaster adjusted his hair.</p>
      <p>"And so the saga of Moofy comes to a happy end. Thanks to the efforts of this mysterious hero. No one knows who he was, or where he came from, but we all know that he's here... in our hearts."</p>
      <p>"ARGH!" Dib groaned to the side. "It's not a mystery! It's Zim! He's an alien! He lives right here! He tried to destroy us all!"</p>
      <p>Well, Moofy was lifted into the back of an ambulance as the remaining pedestrians clapped and slowly but surely all of them moved away. Dib groaned and tugged at his hair, then decided to head home…only ot find…</p>
      <p>HE was stuck where SHE had been. "Hey! I really am stuck! Wait! Come back! Help!" He cried out.</p>
      <p>Zim calmly exited the house, back in his usual outfit. He was holding up a NEW robot gopher and whistling "If you're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands". He smirked at Dib, dropping the gopher to the ground before entering his house. The sign that had said "Earth Rocks" at the top of the house flickered off as the gopher advanced and Dib screamed…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…"Your friend White…"</p>
      <p>"Yeah?"</p>
      <p>"He's an asshole."</p>
      <p>"No kidding."</p>
      <p>Nick, Red and Purple were walking down the hallway, talking to each other. Nick was a LITTLE bothered by how they kept looking at his attempt to grow a mustache and his new arm hair, but he put it out of his mind. "Now, uh…this is…kind of hard for me to say, but…"</p>
      <p>"Just say it. You're cutting us loose, aren't you?" Purple asked quietly.</p>
      <p>Nick turned to him and they all stopped in place. "Look guys, I…don't personally HATE you. And I want to be your friends. But if you took over the Earth, you'd eliminate all Earthly life and use the space left over to build another parking structure planet."</p>
      <p>The two Tallest nodded sheepishly.</p>
      <p>"And when you try that, I'm gonna be there." He spoke up, jabbing his thumb at his chest. "It's just…I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I have to do it. I've got no other choice."</p>
      <p>He then wrapped his arms around Purple and hugged him. "You reminded me of a very good and close friend I had. Maybe someday you'll meet, someday when we won't have to be enemies. I'll miss you, P."</p>
      <p>He then let go and held out his hand to Red, who nervously took it. "Red…you're quite smart." He then hugged HIM and whispered something to him. Red nodded, and Nick then broke free and nodded at them, walking off. "C'mon Skoodge." He said to Skoodge. "You have to come with me now."</p>
      <p>"Where will I be staying?"</p>
      <p>"Well…"</p>
      <p>"What did he say to you?" Purple asked Red after the human and Skoodge had left.</p>
      <p>"…he told me to look after you." He remarked. "That you're really all I've got."</p>
      <p>"Ah." Purple nodded in agreement and hovered off down the hallway to get some snacks while Red thought about what Nick had REALLY said.</p>
      <p>"<em>Try and open up to him, okay?"</em></p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>the robot gopher would not stop dancing. And the lawn gnomes circled around and around Dib as he stood there, still stuck in the hole.</p>
      <p> </p>
      <p>"Heeeeeelp." He squeaked out.</p>
      <p>Moofy, meanwhile, lay in the back of the ambulance, sighing. "Ah, I'm glad THAT'S over."</p>
      <p>Then the two ambulance workers bared their fangs, their eyes becoming yellow slits and their fingernails growing EXTRA long. She had time to scream before the undead freaks sank their fangs into her…</p>
      <p>Well, what were you expecting? A HAPPY ending? ;)</p>
      <p> </p>
    </div>
  </div>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0049"><h2>49. The Frycook What Came from Space</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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    <div>
      <p>
        <em>Once your Nasdaq was fat...now you wear paper hats and say..."Do you want FRIES" with that?</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>THE FRYCOOK WHAT CAME FROM ALL THAT SPACE</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Twas the day after Thanksgiving…and Zim was bragging to his computer. IMMENSELY. You see, Nicholas had decided to invite everyone to a Thanksgiving dinner at his house after some convincing from DL. He'd even allowed Zim to drink an "Immunity Shake", which made him able to stomach and enjoy the meal. You see, Nicholas made "Immunity Shakes" whenever Dib or Zim left each other alone for a period of three days.</p>
      <p>…he had never made an "Immunity Shake" before.</p>
      <p>"So in ADDITION to the turkey, there were mashed potatoes and this lovely cheese sauce I dipped nachos in…" Zim explained as he drooled slightly at the memory of all that food.</p>
      <p>"I HAD SPAM." The house computer remarked as Zim spoke.</p>
      <p>"There was this DELICIOUS substance called "gravy"…it's liquefied fat! What's not to love? And there was jello of every different flavor…"</p>
      <p>"I HAD SPAM."</p>
      <p>"And for DESSERT, I got to eat this ENORMOUS chocolate cake!" Zim remarked happily. "Well…some of it. GIR ate the rest."</p>
      <p>"I HAD SPAM."</p>
      <p>Zim, sensing his computer was whining, rolled his eyes. "FINE, I shall SEE if I can invite you to the next Thanksgiving we had."</p>
      <p>"AND SOME OF THE SPAM HAD WORMS." The computer added hatefully.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib was doing another presentation, a pointer stick held behind his back. A large display stand was set up behind him along with several others, all of them displaying the simple title "ZIM REALLY IS AN ALIEN". Dib took a long, deep sigh. "Okay…let's try this…again." He said softly, pacing back and forth. "Okay. <em>So</em>…"</p>
      <p>He then wheeled around to face the class, yelling. "ZIM IS AN ALIEN! Why do I even have to try and PROVE it this much!?" He screamed. He then leapt on top of Pooncy's desk, grabbing the red-head's head. "C'MON! Just LOOK at him!" Dib yelled, turning Poochy's head to look at Zim.</p>
      <p>Zim had Mary on his desk, and had stuck several tubes into her head. He had an visual enhancement device on his head as he tapped a tool against her forehead, then realized he was being WATCHED. He quickly shoved Mary away, flung the equipment off and pretended like nothing had ever happened, relaxing in his chair. "I sure like TV!" He announced. "And wearin' PANTS." He added cheerfully.</p>
      <p>"He likes wearing pants, Dib! Aliens don't like wearing pants!" Poonchy remarked. Some of the students nodded in agreement.</p>
      <p>Dib then suffered what we in the medical community call a "Brief Mental Breakdown" and he snapped his pointer as flames appeared in his eyes.</p>
      <p>Wearing…pants.</p>
      <p>Wearing…PANTS?</p>
      <p>WEARING…<strong>PAAAAANTS!?</strong></p>
      <p>All of them, all so IGNORANT, always laughing…LAUGHING…he couldn't take it no more! Dib began to babble madly, head shaking like a bobblehead doll as he flipped through the air and landed on his head, then fell to the ground as he flailed his limbs around and drooled. He leapt onto Aki's desk, then his own, then leapt onto ROB'S desk, landing on his head. Then he leapt onto SARA's desk, then jumped onto the light fixtures above their heads, skidding across it a few times as he shimmied up and down it like a sloth on drugs, all the while babbling madly. He then dropped onto Mathew P. Mathers III, making contorted expressions…</p>
      <p>THEN leapt back to the front of the class, stood up, and dusted off his jacket.</p>
      <p>"…OKAY!" He said cheerfully. "If you'd all watch this little play I put together to better explain why Zim's a horrible monster from beyond." He remarked in a chipper tone, motioning over to a platform where Nicholas and White were inside green alien outfits. White tossed the script aside and the two of them loomed over DL, who played the role of the victim. You know, when you thought about the class's likes and dislikes, THIS thing might be the thing that convinced them of Zim's true self!</p>
      <p>"Fool!" Zim yelled, pounding on his desk. "My fellow hideous inferior human pig-smellies are insulted by this constant slander!"</p>
      <p>Dib pointed angrily at Zim. "Would a human call their own kind pig-smelly? Huh!? Huh!? Huh!?" He asked, turning his head left and right at the class. "We're not pigs!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>Pigboy clung to Zita's shoulder, his porkish face sobbing madly. "Hey! You watch what you say around Pigboy!" Zita announced.</p>
      <p>Pigboy, unfortunately, had had enough, and he ran over to the window, leapt out, the flew off itno the sky. "Wow, EVERYONE'S getting superpowers." Nicholas realized. "It must be the toxic waste plant down the road…"</p>
      <p>Zim smirked. "You see, Dib? I'm as normal as any human…" Dib growled furiously as Zim smugly went on. "And nothing you can say can make me-"</p>
      <p>BA-BOOOM! The roof burst open as a HUGE green-skinned alien wearing a dark gas-mask and dropped down. He was BULKING in form and he looked around, shoving Poonchy away with a swat of his arm and focusing in on ZIM. He grabbed ahold of the nervous Irken and headed back over to the part of the ceiling he'd come in from as the others watched in awe and fear.</p>
      <p>The alien activated a jetpack and shot up into the sky…dropping Zim, who groaned and rubbed his head. The alien immediately dropped back down again, picking Zim up. "Sorry 'bout that. "</p>
      <p>"Aw, it happens." Nicholas said sympathetically.</p>
      <p>"Now... BACK INTO OUTER SPACE!" The alien announced, flying away on his jet pack.</p>
      <p>Dib couldn't have been HAPPIER. He pointed up. "Okay! <strong>That!</strong> Did <strong>anyone</strong> just see Zim get snatched up into space by a giant alien monster? HUH?!"</p>
      <p>A bird passing overhead pooped on Dib's shoulder as the class stared in amazement. Then…Poonchy spoke up, pointing at Dib's shoulder. "Hey... Dib's got a BIRD DOODY ON HIS JACKET!"</p>
      <p>All of the class laughed madly as Dib looked at his arm, then hung his head, tears slipping down his cheeks. He slowly walked out of the class as his fellow student's laughter rang in his ears.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim's disguise had fallen off in the flight up to a large spaceship and now that ship was in outer space. The fat, round-headed alien flew into a large room, dropping Zim on the ground and landing nearby. His jetpack retracted as Zim stood up, frowning angrily. " You've just made the biggest mistake of your life! I demand that you-"</p>
      <p>He then noticed the symbol for IRK was on the floor…and that the person who had kidnapped him had a PAK on his back! "Huh!? Heh... What a minute! This is an Irken ship! What the-!?" Zim's eyes went wide with confusion. "What's going on!?" He asked.</p>
      <p>The alien turned around to face Zim and spoke in a voice that was muffled by the gas mask. "<strong>Retribution</strong>, Zim. The moment I've been waiting for!" He growled, pressing one of his goggle lenses, allowing a tube that connected his gas mask to fly off. He then repeated it for the other lens and the OTHER tube disconnected. He took of a strap, revealing one antenna as Zim began to sweat. Then the alien took off the other strap, revealing his other antennae as well as a scar on his face.</p>
      <p>Zim continued to cower in place, sweat still pouring down his brow. The alien pulled off his mask…but still Zim did not recognize this deep and purple-eyed alien, only looking at him funny. Even when the being put an APRON with his nametag on it, Zim didn't recognize him, simply rubbing his eye…</p>
      <p>Then he put the white cooking cap on and it ALL-MADE-SENSE.</p>
      <p><strong>"SIZZ-LORR!"</strong> Zim gasped in horror, cowering back. "But... I…"</p>
      <p>"Escaped from me, yes. Escaped from your exile on Foodcourtia!" Sizz-Lorr snarled.</p>
      <p>"I don't know WHAT you're talking abo-WAIT A MINUTE!" He held his head, clutching it tightly. "It's all coming back to me…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…It had been inside a Control Brain throne room of light purple and pink machinery when Zim had been 100 years old. Zim had been hooked up to a Control Brain as Tallest Red and Purple stood in platforms opposite of Zim, both drinking sodas. "Irken Invader Zim, for single handedly ruining Operation Impending Doom…"</p>
      <p>"Ruined? I blew up more than any other invader!" Zim insisted.</p>
      <p>"You blew <strong>up</strong> all the other invaders!" Red yelled angrily, squishing his soda in his hand. Zim just let out a "PFFT" sound, obviously not caring.</p>
      <p>"You will be re-encoded." The Control Brain announced.</p>
      <p>A hatch opened from the ceiling and two tubes circled down and connected to Zim's pak, lifting him off the ground as electricity traveled through the tubes. "No longer an invader, you will forever be banished to the Irken snacking planet of Foodcourtia!"</p>
      <p>"But Zim needs no vacation!" Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>A monitor screen nearby showed off the Irken Military Symbol of a smirking Invader skull. This was soon changed. No longer reading "Invader Class", it now displayed a corporate logo with the words "Food Services". And it wasn't long before Zim was at "Shloorgogh's Restaurant" at Foodcourtia.</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr, master Fry Cook who had been exiled due to illegal tampering with his body (though the implants were cool, everyone admitted, they WERE still illegal), had been holding a cup up to a food dispenser that filled it up with "Yummy Nuggets". He placed the nuggets into boiling grease and then turned his head as two guards led Zim inside his kitchen, letting go of the former Invader as Sizz-Lorr looked him over.</p>
      <p>"New help? Excellent! I can take over from here, soldiers. Dismissed!" He ordered, pointing upwards towards the door. Grinning, he then handed Zim a broom and chuckled. "Welcome to HELL, new guy. Heh…heh-heh…HA-HA-HA-HA…MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!"</p>
      <p>And so, Zim had been forced to endure HORRID indignities for years. He had been forced to scrub toilets, carry orders to ungrateful customers, clean toilets, fill up people's drinks, scrub MORE toilets, get people's food and drink thrown in his face for fun, scrub even MORE and <strong>MORE</strong> toilets, mop the floors and scrub <strong>MORE</strong> and <em>MORE</em> and MORE…</p>
      <p>He'd even been EATEN once when toilet-cleaning. A horrid experience indeed. But eventually 57 years had passed, and on one fateful day, Zim, who had been wiped out from the Graveyard Shift, was lying in a chair at the back of the restaurant, watching the announcer of Coventia spread the good news.</p>
      <p>"If you've just turned in, you're watching live as the crowd gathers on Conventia to watch the great assigning for Operation Impending Doom II!" Now the TV showed off Invaders munching on NACHOS. "Ooh, looks like the crowd is being treated to nachos!</p>
      <p>"Impending Doom II!?" Zim gasped, leaping up and knocking a mop bucket over. "I'll be late! I've gotta get outta here!" He yelled, tossing his outfit off and running out the back door. "NACHOOOOS!"</p>
      <p>Well, Sizz-Lorr walked in, eyes angrily growing red as he picked u the mop that Zim had dropped, frowning. "Nobody escapes from Sizz-Lorr!" He growled, looking at the back door. "I will <strong>find</strong> you, Zim!" He swore. "I will search all of space's dark corners to hunt you down and I will <em><strong>find</strong></em> you!" He roared, snapping the mop in half at the height of his rant.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Wait…how can you remember something I said if you weren't there?"</p>
      <p>"…I dunno." Zim admitted, shrugging. "Maybe…you were so loud it was impossible to NOT hear?"</p>
      <p>"Sure, let's go with that. It's not like it's a PLOT HOLE or anything." Sizz-Lorr admitted. "Anyhow, after your escape, the Great Foodening began! Foodcourtia's most horrible food rush that lasts 20 years!"</p>
      <p>"OH." Zim stuck his tongue out. He remembered THAT.</p>
      <p>"The gravitational pull from all that snacking makes it impossible for anything to leave the planet! I was trapped... alone... without help!" Sizz-Lorr growled.</p>
      <p>"Wait, 20 years? But I haven't been gone that long!" Zim remarked. "Only…" He thought about it. "Three, really."</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr was now the one shrugging. "Uh, there was some time warp thing involved, uh, I dunno…"</p>
      <p>"Well, it's not like it's a PLOT HOLE." Zim said sympathetically. "But the point is moot! I am an invader! On a secret mission from the Tallest! Just call them and they'll-"</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr got into Zim's face and growled softly. "Your PAK still has you encoded as a food service drone, Zim…"</p>
      <p>He grabbed Zim by the neck and held him up as a tube slid down into Zim's pack and Sizz-Lorr let go. A monitor nearby showed the words "FOOD SERVICE".</p>
      <p>"Don't you GET it? The Tallest lied to get rid of you! Don't bother trying to call them! Any transmissions will be blocked!" He informed Zim, snatching Zim again. He then hurled Zim into a small cage which closed up and with a smirk, the large Irken walked away as Zim groaned and looked around. Quickly Zim activated his transmission device and a floating sphere emerged from his PAK, showing off GIR in front of him.</p>
      <p>"GIR! I've got a secret mission for you!" Zim informed him.</p>
      <p>GIR went into Duty Mode, saluting. "Yes, my master!"</p>
      <p>"I need you to call the Tallest and tell them I've been kidnapped, and I'm being held prisoner on Foodcourtia!" Zim informed GIR.</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr's head popped up and his eyes narrowed. "HEY! I said no messages!" He growled.</p>
      <p>"But I wasn't CALLING the Tallest!" Zim protested.</p>
      <p>Well, Sizz-Lorr wasn't going to take THAT as an excuse. He tugged Zim out of the cage and GIR was treated to watching Zim having the CRAP kicked out of him. GIR gasped as the transmitter retracted back into his head and GIR jumped off the couch. "My master's in trouble!" He realized.</p>
      <p>…he needed the MONKEY KITE. He quickly ran into his playroom and got out a green monkey-shaped kite, heading out the door with it over his head as he giggled madly.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Foodcourtia. Hundreds of advertisement signs floated in space in front of this all-city metropolis that had been conquered many years ago, even before Tallest Red and Purple's time. Zim, however, was not glad to see it, and was flailing his arms around as Sizz-Lorr stood by the windshield and held Zim up by his head.</p>
      <p>"No! Nooo! Foodcourtia!" Zim cried as Sizz-Lorr parked the ship by the "SHLOOGORGH'S" restaurant that he worked at. Stepping out of the ship, a storage beam shot out from the restaurant and scanned the ship, absorbing the large thing piece by piece to hide it from would-be thieves. Yes, it was a most pimped-out eatery indeed. There was something to be said, though, about the fact that and IRKEN DINER was probably the most advanced building on the planet.</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr headed in through a doorway that had a light blue energy field in front of it, passing through easily. A hovering monitor showed off Zim's visage with the words "Wanted: Zim". Soon, upon Zim's entrance into the diner, the sign now showed off the words "EAT! Then EXPLODE".</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr stood by the counter of the diner, STILL holding Zim up by his head, his gloved hands digging in. "Hmmmm...you didn't destroy the diner in my absence?" He asked his employees.</p>
      <p>Two Irken Employees slid up in full attire, shaking their heads. Then one held up an apron, the other a tall, dark red/maroon hat for Zim to wear. "Here ya go!"</p>
      <p>"AAA!" Zim yelled, making the customers in the store look at the scene. "Noo! Noo! Never again!" He begged as he was forced to put the attire on.</p>
      <p>"HA! That's more like it, Zim! I've got a surprise for you!" He added.</p>
      <p>"Oh, you're giving me a robot death monkey!?" Zim asked eagerly.</p>
      <p>"What!?" Sizz-Lorr, Fry Lord, gave him a look like he was retarded. "No! No, it's something else. Your first assignment. You get to clean up..." He pointed to the far left. "<strong>Booth</strong> <strong>12!</strong>"</p>
      <p>The ENTIRE both was enveloped in tentacles. HOW had been long forgotten. It had been like that for YEARS.</p>
      <p>"I've left it unclean for <strong>you</strong>, Zim! For the day you came back! Now get to work!" Sizz-Lorr ordered. He then noticed Zim was longingly looking at the exit door and smirked. "Thinking about escaping? HA! The entire restaurant is equipped with a perimeter scanner programmed to recognize your bio signature!" He remarked, holding up his glove and pressing a band along his thick wrist.</p>
      <p>A device above the door began to blink, and inside this device was a monitor screen that showed a rotating model of everyone's favorite Non-Invader with the words "BIO SIGNATURE: ZIM" underneath. "If it senses you trying to escape, it will make you explode!" Sizz-Lorr growled.</p>
      <p>"NOOO!" Zim yelled. "NOOO-and the robot monkey?"</p>
      <p>"You're still not getting one!" Sizz-Lorr snapped.</p>
      <p>"NOOOOOO!" Zim howled.</p>
      <p>"Oh, yes! And-"</p>
      <p>"NOOO!"</p>
      <p>"YES!"</p>
      <p>"NOOO!:</p>
      <p>"<strong>YES!</strong> And that's not all, Zim! In one week, the Foodening begins once more, and you'll be trapped here for 20 years, just like I was!"</p>
      <p>"WHAAA?" Zim gasped in horror. "One week? But…my mission!" He protested. "20 years? I can't wait…No! No! I have to get outta here!" He screamed, rushing out the door, which "DINGED"…</p>
      <p>For a moment, nothing happened and Zim breathed a sigh of relief. THEN he swelled up like a big, green weather balloon and an alien kid with grey skin and big eyes pointed at him. "Look, mama! He's gonna 'splode!"</p>
      <p>Unfortunately for the kid, and luckily for ZIIIIIM!...</p>
      <p>He was NOT going to 'splode. Zim rolled back inside and shrank to normal size, gasping madly.. Sizz-Lorr calmly walked to Zim and handed him a mop and bucket, laughing evilly as the alien kid pointed at Zim, who turned to look at booth 12…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the next day, the Resisty, as it were, were relaxing in the most popular restaurant at Foocourtia…the one ZIM worked at! Darin nervously bit his lip as he looked at Erin, who was making a house out of WAFFLES! Lard Nar chomped away on a hot dog and Zim…well, poor Zim was being whacked around by the Booth 12 creature's tentacles. He finally managed to spray some disinfectant at it, emptying the bottle. When the smoke cleared, the booth was squeaky clean! :)</p>
      <p>Exhausted, Zim fell down into his mop bucket as the spray rolled from his hand. Unfortunately Sizz-Lorr spoke up from behind the counter. "Break's over, Zim! Go man the register!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>"Huh?" Zim groaned, lifting his head up.</p>
      <p>"The register! Gashlooog is taking his break! Now move it!" Sizz-Lorr said, jabbing his thumb at the register as Gashloog walked out of the back door of the restaurant.</p>
      <p>"Gashloog gets to take a break without exploding! Why not me?" Zim asked.</p>
      <p>"Because I <strong>hired</strong> him!" Sizz-Lorr snapped. "<strong>You're</strong> here as punishment for almost annihilating our civilization!"</p>
      <p>"Am I the <strong>only</strong> one who was impressed by that?" Zim asked, looking confused.</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr pounded his fist on the counter and groaned. Nicholas rubbed his back. "EASY, big guy. EASY."</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. "HAIR-BEAST?! What are YOU doing here?"</p>
      <p>"Being a substitute teacher <strong>REALLY</strong> doesn't pay the bills." The teenager said, his neck stretching out as he pronounced the word "REALLY". "So I mop and clean here on weekend afternoons and nights." He informed Zim. "I'll be here tomorrow too. Anyhow, man the register, how bad could it be?"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Oh. This bad."</p>
      <p>DOZENS of the customers were behind the counter as Zim pressed his register buttons as fast as he could to pay for the various orders and ring other ordes up. Hundreds of pounds of food had been thrown at him.</p>
      <p>"These are cold! I'm not paying for this!" One shouted.</p>
      <p>"My plooka's not squirming! I ordered live plooka! You hear me!? Live! Live! Live! That means it's still moving when it gets on my plate! Do you understand!? Huh!?"</p>
      <p>"Where's my slydoodeedoo, huh? I want my slydoodeedoo! Slydoodeedoo! Where's my slydoodeedoo!? Where's my slydoodeedoo!? Huh!? Where's my slydoodeedoo!?"</p>
      <p>"You HAVE your slydoodeedoo!"</p>
      <p>"WHERE'S my slydoodeedoo?!"</p>
      <p>"You HAVE your slydoodeedoo!"</p>
      <p>"WHERE'S my slydoodeedoo?!"</p>
      <p>"You HAVE your slydoodeedoo!"</p>
      <p>"WHERE'S my slydoodeedoo?!"</p>
      <p>Zim couldn't take it anymore. He leapt onto the counter with a mop. "I AM AN IRKEN INVADER!" He screamed hatefully. "You'll all know the true meaning of <strong>vengeance</strong> when Tallest hear of this!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…GIR was standing on his head and watching a TV special that explained Death to little kids when the doorbell rang. Squeaking happily, GIR headed to the door and opened it up to see Dib was sucking a SuckMunkey Slushie from a special promotions cup, given to him by White, who had suggested Dib go over to Zim's house to find out "Something interesting".</p>
      <p>GIR saw the SuckMunkey slushie and grabbed it away, drinking it.</p>
      <p>"…yeah, okay. You can have that." Dib decided as GIR coughed slightly. "Um, I noticed Zim's been gone for three days. Do you know where he is?"</p>
      <p>GIR tilted his head to the side. "Oh yeaaaah! I's 'sposed to call the Tallest for him! He in trouble! Woo!"</p>
      <p>Dib's eyes widened. "Call his leaders? Can I watch!?" He asked eagerly.</p>
      <p>"Okey dokey!" GIR admitted, nodding his head and letting Dib inside as the kid chuckled happily.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…at Shloogorgh's, Zim sat at a booth with a customer. "Me! Me! Can you believe that!? Of course you can't! I hate this place! And the mission! My precious mission!" He complained. "What about that, huh? Gimme some 'a those!" He demanded, snatching some fries away from the alien before him. "So... I say... You want some of this? And she says... She says right back at me... She says..."</p>
      <p>"…Who are you and why are you talking to me?" the alien inquired.</p>
      <p>Zim stood on the booth, claws clenching. "And that huge blob thing! He's here everyday! He takes <strong>hours</strong> ordering every time! I can't stand him! Everyday! But soon, my pain will end, since my mighty robot has already contacted the Tallest and arranged for my rescue!" He proclaimed, pointing upwards.</p>
      <p>"SAID RESCUE":</p>
      <p>It had taken GIR QUITE a long time to get the transmission array set up, but now it was proving to be worth it, as Red and Purple were watching GIR talk.</p>
      <p>And talk.</p>
      <p>And TALK. This case study of insanity in action was very interesting.</p>
      <p>"And then my master flew to the moon in a rocket of flamin' cheese! I like cheese!" GIR admitted.</p>
      <p>Nicholas, over to the side, covered his eyes and sobbed slightly with joy. "Oh, I LOVE that robot! I…I love him so <strong>mu-uh-uuuuuch</strong>!" He squeaked out, wiping his eyes with a handkerchief.</p>
      <p>"Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese…" GIR sang.</p>
      <p>Dib shoved GIR aside, getting close to the transmission screen<br/>"Can I ask you something? What are your species' main weaknesses? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?"</p>
      <p>"Uh…who's that large headed kid?" Purple asked.</p>
      <p>"I don't know... But his head is large!" Red admitted. "As large as Nicholas's head is round!"</p>
      <p>"My head's not…" Nicholas elt his head. "Oh! You're right! It IS round! How come you never told me this before?" He asked in a hurt tone as sad violin music played from his watch. "Hearing it now HURTS."</p>
      <p>"You…you always hurt the one you love." Red said sadly.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Record scratch!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Dib cleared his throat. "Excuse me, alien scum? Gimme your planet's coordinates!" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"We would do that…why?" Red asked.</p>
      <p>"What if they do a puppet show?" Nicholas suggested.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: DING!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Purple grinned.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>We bring you back to the food station in the back of Shloogorgh's, true believers! Zim stood next to Sizz-Lorr. "Sizz-Lorr? There's only-"</p>
      <p>"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" He growled.</p>
      <p>Zim had to call him "My Frylord." He quickly apologized. "My apologies, my Frylord! But there's only one day left until the Foodening begins! I must return to my mission before it is too late!"</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr smirked. "Never! Now put on this happy Shloogorgh costume and fill the costumers with joy!" He said, holding up a costume filled with sizzling, bubbling grease.</p>
      <p>"But it's filled with white hot grease!" Zim whined.</p>
      <p>"Makes ya dance better. GET GOING." Sizz-Lorr growled, hurling the costume at Zim.</p>
      <p>Well ladies and gents, he put the costume on, and soon he was dancing around in the restaurant as the customers looked on with glances of joy. "Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo!" He sang. "Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo! Oh! Hey all you out there! I hope you're having a good time eating our life sustaining matter! Gah-hoo! I'm so happy-"</p>
      <p>SSSSZZZ! "Oh, it hurts so BAD! The grease!" He screamed, dancing around some more. "AAA! Doo-dee-doo…"</p>
      <p>You know how, in times of crisis, all of time seems to slow down? Well that's what it felt like for Zim. "Doooooo…deeee…doooo…doooo…deee…dooo…."</p>
      <p>He looked longingly at the exit…but he knew he couldn't leave. He would 'splode.</p>
      <p>"Go cheer up Eric, that blob guy. He's our best customer, 'cause he's a blob." Sizz-Lorr announced.</p>
      <p>Zim growled, but headed over to the cycloptic, hat-wearing, blobbish Eric. "Doo dee doo dee doo doo... OHHH! BURNING ME!" He screamed. "Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo-OOH-HOO-HOOO! TALLEST GRAPA'S PAIN!Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee!"</p>
      <p>Finally he could bear it no more…and he began to cry, sobbing as tears burnt down trail marks on his cheeks. "Doo-dee…dooooo…WAAAAUUUUUHHH…"</p>
      <p>"Hey, little sizzly! You look sadder than me!" Eric said sympathetically.</p>
      <p>"It's this job! I <strong>hate</strong> it!" Zim sobbed. "And I can't leave, or this security system will make me explode!"</p>
      <p>"He's gonna 'splod, mama!" The kid from before laughed.</p>
      <p>"…ooh, THAT HORRIBLE KID!" Zim growled.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, that's a Vetkin 'splodey system! I know those! Heh!" Eric laughed, looking at the exit. "I helped install one 'a those in a Vort military prison 'til they were discontinued. Prisoners were escaping by hiding deep in garbage tanks. The scanners can't read the bio signatures if it's surrounded with enough thickness! Isn't that interesting? Oooooh!"</p>
      <p>"Yes, yes, that's great!" Zim muttered.</p>
      <p>"The whole escaping thing? Heh?" Eric asked.</p>
      <p>"Uh huh." Zim mumbled.</p>
      <p>"Well, I better take my thick self on outta here! See ya tomorrow." Eric remarked, waving goodbye. Zim scratched himself. Then…he got an idea.</p>
      <p>"Wait! I have a plan! Yes!" Zim laughed evilly. "Mwa-ha-ha-ha…HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"</p>
      <p>"…let's start laughin' too!" Lard Nar remarked. He and the Resisty began to laugh as well as the "He's gonna 'splode" kid gulped, his normally big eyes widening more with stark terror.</p>
      <p>And so…on the Day of the Foodening…</p>
      <p>Inside Shloogorgh's, Zim was finishing up with the orders of the last couple of customers. He then glanced at the door, then ducked s a food tray hovered overhead. Sizz-Lorr was in the back, about to enter the back room and head out the exit door in the back of the restaurant. Zim saw the suitcases in his gloved hands and he blinked. "Where are you going? The Foodening is about to begin! Can't you feel it!?" He proclaimed.</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr held up an electronic pad and wrote down "VACATION" on it, stating he was taking a leave of absence as he stood in front of a hovering mechanical sphere. "With you here, I'll be taking this Foodening off! You can be in charge for this one." He remarked, sticking the pad into the hover sphere. It played a triumphant little tune and spewed confetti. Lots of it. BOY Irkens loved confetti!</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr leapt up onto the top of the counter, eyes narrowing. "Laugh now, Sizz-Lorr! But you will know not to mess with Invader Zim!"</p>
      <p>"I... wasn't laughing." Sizz-Lorr remarked quietly as Eric entered. He rubbed the back of his neck. "I…haven't laughed since yesterday..." He mumbled sadly.</p>
      <p>Zim saw Eric had entered and enacted his plan, saluting. "My Frylord! Permission to trade stations with Gashloog!"</p>
      <p>"Huh?" Sizz-Lorr blinked. "Why?"</p>
      <p>"If he takes the counter, I can work in the kitchen where my pain and suffering is even more unbearable!"</p>
      <p>"Pain, huh? OKAY!" Sizz-Lorr agreed.</p>
      <p>Zim then headed into the kitchen and quickly tossed Gashloog at the counter. Gashloog groaned and rubbed his sides as Eric the Blob walked up to order.</p>
      <p>"OOOh. Uhhh…welcome to ShlOOgorgh's! My name is GashlOOg! May I take your order?""</p>
      <p>Eric looked at the menu. "Uuuh, I'll have a deep fried mooshminky and a jumbofied sack of Vort dogs! Eh...and to DRINK…"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim, in the kitchen, pressed a button on a food dispenser device. Grabbing a tray and paper bag, he headed over to the tubes labeled "VORT DOGS", "SPLONG WINGS" and "TAQUITOS". Yes, Taquitos. EVERYBODY loves Taquitos! You love Taquitos, don'tcha? If you don't, I'll have to bring the Moose out.</p>
      <p>They dispensed their food and Zim then headed over to a huge, churning vat, pressing the "Order" button. Steam shot into the air from the mooshminky wrap vat and Zim then took a deep breath, leaping inside. Sizzling hot, yellow/brown goop covered him as he was soon shot out of a nozzle wrapped up like a Zim burrito. He groaned as his whole body steamed. "So painful... and delicious!" He added, eyes widening.</p>
      <p>Carefully he stuck his hand out and pressed the "Finished" button on the tray he and the rest of the food were now on, and then the tray hovered to Eric. He gulped down the vort dogs as the alien kid saw Zim's eyes inside of the mooshminky and he gaped, pointing as Eric pulled out a knife and fork, licking his lips.</p>
      <p>Oh dear. Zim began to sweat nervously. Eric lowered the knife to the mooshmikey loaf and began to cut…</p>
      <p>And then he decided "Aw, what the HELL" and shoved it into his mouth. He dapped his lips with a napkin, then stuffed the NAPKIN into his mouth as the tray hovered off. Getting up to leave, Eric headed towards the door as a line built at the register and Sizz-Lorr looked around. "Zim! You've got customers waiting for their orders! Pick it up!"</p>
      <p>Eric walked closer to the door…closer…CLOSER…</p>
      <p>"Hey, has anyone seen Zim? He's missing!" Sizz-Lorr growled.</p>
      <p>Now Eric was THROUGH the door, and Sizz-Lorr was looking under the booths. "Where <strong>is</strong> he!?" He snarled, heading for the door and sticking his head out. "He COULDN'T have escaped!"</p>
      <p>Eric walked further into the crowd around the restaurant, and then…PA-WHOOOM! Zim POPPED out of his stomach via the bellybutton. "HA-CHAAAA!" He cried triumphantly, striking a heroic and defiant pose on the ground as Eric blinked. Then Zim turned and saw Sizz-Lorr was looking RIGHT-AT-HIM.</p>
      <p>"Oh doody." Zim mumbled, running off.</p>
      <p>With an angry roar, Sizz-Lorr rushed into the back of the restaurant, knocking customers left and right. Tossing his suitcases into the corner, he tore his apron off as a tube shot over his body from the ceiling as the pointing, annoying alien child watched on. A brief flash of light later the tube lifted up and Sizz-Lorr was now in a BATTLE SUIT, complete with giant spatula…and he was PISSED.</p>
      <p>Zim continued to run for his life and had thought for a moment that Sizz-Lorr had given up. Then he heard the bellow of rage. <strong>"ZIIIIM!"</strong></p>
      <p>He turned to see aliens getting knocked through the air by a furious-looking Sizz-Lorr who was armed with a killer spatula! Zim tore across the ground as Sizz-Lorr leapt up into the air, holding up his spatula as light formed in front of it and a laser blast shot at Zim, barely missing him and hitting a "Foodening" sign just above him. He continued to fire as Zim kept running for his life, diving onto a platform and rolling right into a pole. Groaning, Zim opened his eyes to see the "Snacky Cab" building was right up ahead, a famous taxi service of Foodcourtia.</p>
      <p>"Thank you for flying Snacky Cab! In just a moment, we'll be shutting down service for the next 20 years during the Great Foodening, which is about to begin!"</p>
      <p>Zim gasped. "No! No! Not while I'M here!" He yelled.</p>
      <p>BOOM! A sign right behind him exploded. "I'm coming, Zim! No use running!" Sizz-Lorr snarled.</p>
      <p>Deciding to use the Snacky Cab, Zim waved his arm at the nearest one. "Hey! Over here! I'll pay you triple!"</p>
      <p>It took off. He frowned and instead decided to use the OTHER method, and launched a suction tube from his PAK to latch onto a nearby cab. Unfortunately it flew around and around, then snapped free, shooting through the air and crashing into a building. "Ooh. SORRY!" Zim yelled.</p>
      <p>"RAAAARRR!"</p>
      <p>Zim "eeped" and manifested his mechanical spider legs in time to jump out of the way as Sizz-Lorr tried to SQUISH Zim beneath his massive frame. Crawling onto a nearby hanger, Zim saw a Snacky Cab driver was walking out of his cab to deliver some luggage. Seeing his change, Zim raced towards the cab,knocked the driver aside, then snuck in. Unfortunately…Zim was a TERRIBLE pilot. He flew off but kept knocking into luggage, actually knocking into another cab.</p>
      <p>"ZIIIM!" Sizz-Lorr growled.</p>
      <p>Okay, maybe not.</p>
      <p>As the alien kid pointed at him, Sizz-Lorr leapt into the air, bounding from ship to ship to land on Zim's cab. He stuck his spatula into the side of the cab to try and pry it open, but Zim promptly flew the cab lose to some signs. He collided hard with one of them and his left hand slipped off the spatula. Luckily for him, he quickly regained control AND activated his spatula's laser, shocking the cab and sending it flying into a tunnel.</p>
      <p>Zim gulped as he saw the steering wheel was sparking. He groaned and rubbed his head as he looked around and saw…odd. Sizz-Lorr wasn't on the side of his cab any-</p>
      <p>CRASH!</p>
      <p>The spatula from Hell stabbed in through his roof over and over, the Sizz-Lorr pried the roof open, grabbing Zim by the head and trying to tug him out as Zim desperately struggled to stay in control of the controls! The cab flew high up, out of the tunnel, and in Zim's flailing his feet hit the steering wheel and the cab flew straight up, past the pointing alien kid and a sign for Doughnuts.</p>
      <p>"OOOH." They both said, turning their heads to look at a sign that showed an alien with grinding teeth snackin' on a doughnut. "DOUGHNUTS."</p>
      <p>Then they went back to the tugging and the yelling and the flailing. Sizz-Lorr, however, was beginning to feel the effect of the Foodening, and try as he might, he just COULDN'T hold on. He let go and Sizz-Lorr went sailing off the cab, screaming as he fell down…down…</p>
      <p>BA-BOOOOOOOM! Right into a crowd of aliens, sending them all flying up in a tidal wave as Zim cackled. "HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!" He announced as he flew out of the planet. "How'dya like-"</p>
      <p>HWOOOM!</p>
      <p>The ship quivered…and then it began to move…</p>
      <p>BACKWARDS!</p>
      <p>"The foodening! It's beginning! Snacking... so powerful!" He gasped out as signs began to be pulled into the planet, a few of them striking his cab. "Must... break... away!" He screamed, pressing the button for the boosters…</p>
      <p>THWOOOOOSH!</p>
      <p>And with that…Zim was free.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…dozens of alien customers filled the restaurant as a furious Sizz-Lorr stood behind the service counter pressing buttons and ducking oncoming food trays. His purple eyes narrowed, turning red for a brief moment as he grit his teeth. "Curse you, Zim…<strong>CURSE YOOOOOUUUU!</strong>"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Now, back to Earth! Back to my mission! Have fun, Sizz-Lorr!" Zim sniggered. "Enjoy your defeat at the Zim hands of Ziiiim!" He proclaimed, waving his fists in the air.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, back at the "Snacky Cab Buiding", an announcement was underway. "Snacky Cab station is now closed! Any cabs not docked will explode for no apparent reason."</p>
      <p>Zim, meanwhile, had reached Saturn, which was really a very lovely planet up close. "Doo dee doo doo doo doo doo…"</p>
      <p>BOOOOOM!</p>
      <p>Somewhere, somehow, there was a very happy alien kid clapping his hands as Zim screamed madly, his smoking cab crashing through the atmosphere of Earth and into his lawn. He groaned as he staggered out and saw that a few next door neighbors were looking at him. "I…was…eh…um…eh…"</p>
      <p>He pointed at the cab. "That's normal, ya know."</p>
      <p>The lady with a tumor on her head shrugged. "Mmm hmm!"</p>
      <p>Zim quickly ran back into the house and pressed himself against the door, breathing a long sigh of relief. "HOME!" He said longingly. "Ah, sweet victory for Zim! It is good to be back, good to be Zim!" He blinked in surprise, seeing a giddy Dib and GIR had locked arms and were dancing in the living room, Dib having learned some VERY interesting things in the past 48 hours AND having gotten some good footage. "Huh!?" Zim gaped.</p>
      <p>The Almighty Tallest, who were on a view screen that had replaced the living room picture of the cute green monkey, noticed Zim waving his fist at Dib. "Hey! Get out of my house! Get out!"</p>
      <p>Dib dropped the camera and Zim stepped on it angrily. "GET OUT!"</p>
      <p>"HEY! HEY!" Dib yelled. "I paid 100 bucks for that!"</p>
      <p>Zim then chased Dib around the house as GIR smiled and sat down on the couch to watch a "Bloaty's Pizza Hog" commercial while Zim continued to chase Dib around and around.</p>
      <p>Red raised a non-existent eyebrow, then turned the transmission off with his remote.</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Yeah, it's early, but I was in a good mood with all this warm weather. Please, review!</strong>
      </p>
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<a name="section0050"><h2>50. The Voting of the Doomed!</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>Vote or die, motherf-ka, motherf-ka vote or die, rock the vote or I'm gonna stick a knife thru yo' eye!</em>
      </p>
      <p><strong>THE VOTING OF THE DOOMED<br/></strong><br/>Nicholas calmly pushed aside some papers as he helped clean up Michael White's desk. The albino had decided that the corporation-esque business wasn't for him and had quit, going back to being the guidance counselor after sending the CEO of "White Collar INC" to the hospital.</p>
      <p>Reportedly there was much rejoicing. Our prudish protagonist then noticed that there was a "Trogs Gone Wild" alien porn magazine with a hot, naked experiment on the front that was smirking sexily. Nicholas frowned, then got an idea.</p>
      <p>Soon he was taking pictures of himself making different wild/sexy faces with a camera that printed the pictures out on the spot. Then he cut out the women's faces and using some paste and the scissors he cut his head out of the photos he'd shot and put them on the women's bodies. Then he placed the magazine back inside of White's desk, leaving the front picture untouched to as a lure.</p>
      <p>Leaving the room, Nicholas then walked down the hallway some distance and looked at his watch as he saw White go back inside the room that he had just been cleaning. Five…four…three…two…one…</p>
      <p>"AAAA! WAAAAAHHH! <strong>AAAAAA!</strong>"</p>
      <p>"He won't be buying THAT magazine anymore." Nicholas announced. "One subscription down, nine to go."</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…It was time for a pep rally at the auditorium. There were, naturally, balloons, a huge crowd of kids who were watching mechanical cheerleaders dance around, occasionally sending out sparks of electricity as they chanted "Yay skool! Yay skool! Yay skool! Skool, skool, skool! Yay, yay, yay, skool!" over and OVER and <strong>OVER </strong>again, and…biggest and most important of all…<strong>STREAMERS! </strong>Who could have any kind of party without streamers? A sign that said "Skool Spirit!" hung over a large view screen that showed off the picture of the red-haired, overly chipper student body president. Beneath was the word "Mandatory".</p>
      <p>"I hate these stupid pep rallies." Gaz mumbled.</p>
      <p>"Well, look at it logically. As terrible as school is…eventually it's over." Nicholas remarked with some dry wit.</p>
      <p>"You don't smile much anymore." Gaz realized. "It's kind of…depressing, almost." She admitted quietly.</p>
      <p>"Well, since Nick is the personification of my more innocent side, I am thinking more logically." Nicholas admitted. "Oh…the student body president is here. Her name is Kathryn, correct?"</p>
      <p>"Yes."</p>
      <p>"How DO they get her to smile so much, I wonder?" Nicholas inquired as Kathryn, wearing a yellow shirt, was lowered down on a platform by some ropes.</p>
      <p>"Isn't our skool just <strong>great</strong>?" She asked in an overly chipper tone.</p>
      <p>"…uh…yay?" A few of the kids cheered. Some clapped half-heartedly.</p>
      <p>"Our greatness is greater than all other greatnesses of all the other skools combined! And it's that greatness that makes us great!" She went on as the cheerleaders shook their pompoms and absolutely nobody smiled, except Nick, who frankly, couldn't NOT smile.</p>
      <p>Then the president's eye twitched for a moment. "But I would like to say one thing, maybe, um, about the dirty bathrooms, they-WAGGA-WAGGA-WAAAAUUUUHHH!" She suddenly gripped her head, wigging out completely as she began to spasm and high-tech droids BURST in through the ceiling like they were something from "Minority Report", flying over the crowd as flashing red lights and an alarm blared.</p>
      <p>One burly school guard popped up in the middle of the kids, sending those nearby flying away. Two more lowered down from the ceiling on ropes and an armored guard leapt up onto the stage and knocked a cheerleader out of his way as he advanced on poor Kathryn, who was screaming and pounding the floor. The four guards converged around her, held her up, and then one of them dropped a smoke bomb…</p>
      <p>People coughed and spluttered, and once the smoke was gone-</p>
      <p>Oh. Wait. They were still there. They nervously skittered off as an administration droid spoke up in a mechanical voice. "Do not be alarmed. The student president has experienced a failure in spirit. A new election will be held immediately. Volunteers? Volunteer?" It called out.</p>
      <p>Zim immediately saw an opening and raised his hand in the air. "Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Pick Zim! Zim is me! Zim is me! Zim shall rule! Pick Zim!" He kept hopping up and down, desperately trying to get noticed. "Zim! Me! I am ZIIIIM!"</p>
      <p>Well, the droid examined him. "Zim-Analysis…moron. Suitable." If it could have, it would have shrugged. "Candidate TWO needed. Volunteers?"</p>
      <p>Dib groaned and waved his fist in the air. "He's CRIMINALLY INSANE! That's not GOOD!"</p>
      <p>Well, the droid examined him. "Dib-Analysis…Annoying." It promptly clamped a large metal clamp over his mouth, muffling his voice.</p>
      <p>"Volunteer?"</p>
      <p>Nicholas noticed that Willy was nearby, chewing on one of his shoes. "Ha-ha! SHOE." He laughed.</p>
      <p>The droid looked at him and made an analysis. "Willy-Analysis…Leadership material."</p>
      <p>"This isn't very…logical." Nick remarked. "UNLESS…" He rubbed his chin and his eyes went wide. "Oh. Oh MY!"</p>
      <p>Dib groaned. This couldn't get any worse!</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim and Willy stood behind podiums outside the school as Mr. White, who had been given his job back, put up a sign that said "Meet the Candidates".</p>
      <p>"I can't believe ZIM thinks he could be elected leader. He's an utter failure as an invader. There's no way he'll win this." Nicholas told White.</p>
      <p>White brushed his white hair back and grinned. "Yeah, that's for sure. If he wasn't the worst Invader that the Irken Empire ever had, it's only because all the records were lost when the next guy down the list blew up the planet he was on!" He laughed.</p>
      <p>"You're a man after my own heart." Gaz told him.</p>
      <p>"Just the Michael White <strong>lack</strong> of heart. Now if only we could prove Zim stinks in a court of law…"</p>
      <p>"One day I might HAVE to." Nicholas realized.</p>
      <p>Ms. Bitters, wearing a dark purple cloak and flanked by administrative droids was wheeled to the middle of the two, her desk now pimped out with tank treads.</p>
      <p>"The candidates will now speak. And then be quiet! And then I go away from you all." She remarked happily.</p>
      <p>Zim cleared his throat. "As president, I will ensure that all mankind has its legs sawed off!" he remarked in a chipper fashion.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Owl hoot</strong>
      </p>
      <p>A student looked down at his legs. "Hmmm…I dunno about that."</p>
      <p>Zim grinned nervously as he did what came best to him…lie. "Heh… and, um, replaced with legs of pure gold!" He announced. THIS got people to smile. Seeing that they were buying it, Zim began to lie some more. ": Yes! And I will grant you the power to fire <strong>lasers</strong> from your head! Like SHARKS!"</p>
      <p>"YAAAAY!" Everyone cheered.</p>
      <p>"I LIKE gold!" The Letter M remarked.</p>
      <p>"I like my head!" Morla agreed.</p>
      <p>Dib slapped his forehead in frustration, the second time he'd done it today. "NO! Zim's promising them ANYTHING to win!"</p>
      <p>"YAAAY!"</p>
      <p>"Candidate 2! Be quick! I can only survive so long in the sun." Ms. Bitters remarked, pointing at Willy before she withdrew her hissing ,smoking hand.</p>
      <p>Willy groaned a few times before he squished his head between his arms. "I hope you like this!" He announced, promptly making armpit fart noises.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Eagle cry</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"This is just SAD." White remarked.</p>
      <p>"Willy's a drooling moron! As sole defender of Earth, I've got to do something!" Dib announced.</p>
      <p>"I wish Willy was MY brother." Gaz muttered.</p>
      <p>"Boo hoo, you hurt my feelings…" Dib snapped.</p>
      <p>Zim and Willy were tossed into small rooms. Willy rocked in a chair with a bucket on his head, laughing happily. Dib, meanwhile, had decided to take matters into his own hands and had gone in through the vent shaft. He peeked out a grating in the ceiling and pressed his face against it to look closer…thus breaking the grating off and crashing into Willy.</p>
      <p>BANG!</p>
      <p>Dib groaned and rubbed his head, looking up at Willy. "Pardon me, but if you don't tackle the real issues…" He took a deep breath, then flailed his arms wildly. "Zim is going to win the election and eradicate all human life!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>Willy tossed Dib and the grate away, screaming. "How did you get here!? You a leprechaun!?" He asked, flailing HIS arms around.</p>
      <p>Dib stepped back and placed his fist on his chest, smiling benignly. "I, Dibbun P Membrane, offer my services as campaign manager. We'll be a team! Me as the incredible brains, and you as…"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Foghorn blast as a close-up of Willy's nasal hair is shown</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"…Willy."</p>
      <p>"Yer after me gold! Err…" Willy scratched his head.</p>
      <p>"Is…that a yes?"</p>
      <p>Willy grunted, nodding.</p>
      <p>"Good!" Dib said, clapping his hands together. "Let's talk about your new platform!" He said, handing some note cards to Willy one by one. "First, promise to promote alien awareness." Dib remarked, looking down at the cards. He looked back up. "Second-um…Willy?"</p>
      <p>Willy had stuck the note cards to his head and was grunting happily. Dib slapped his forehead again. "We gotta lotta work to do."</p>
      <p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
      <p>The whole student body had gathered in the auditorium. Everyone in the crowd wore very odd devices on their heads and Zim and Willy had walked up to podiums on the stage. Ms. Bitters stood behind an impressive-looking booth which resembled the electro-shock booth from the infamous "Milligram experiment". She pressed a button on the booth and strange, sparkling devices lowered themselves onto Zim and Willy's heads.</p>
      <p>"The candidate's popularity will be measured by audience brain scan." She announced. "A drop in popularity will result in a horrible electric shock!" She smirked. "MY contribution to the political discourse of this place."</p>
      <p>An administrative droid popped in between the two candidates. "Debate now, or SUFFER!" It yelled.</p>
      <p>Zim immediately stood up on the podium and pointed upward. "CITIZENS! You are all familiar with me and what I stand for. But only now can I reveal that if elected…" He grinned. "I will ensure that every student is given a zombie wiener dog to do their bidding. Can my opponent say that?" He inquired, pointing at Willy, who had been poking the device on his head and shocking himself as he laughed. Naturally his popularity level LOWERED and he was shocked once more.</p>
      <p>The administrative droid flew over to Willy, who didn't respond. "Time's up…NOW!" It announced, as Willy was shocked again, and the droid flew away.</p>
      <p>"Now comes the awkward silence portion of the debate." Ms. Bitters announced.</p>
      <p>Well, none of them said anything. But Zim smirked and pulled out a "VOTE ZIM" sign, making the crowd cheer. His popularity level soared up and GIR, who was in his doggy suit, passed out signs to people in the crowd, smiling happily.</p>
      <p>"THIS isn't goin' well." Dib realized. He had to do something and quick!</p>
      <p>"I tell you, the teacher assigned so much homework…it was totally blah. And the weather today was blah too and the food even MORE blah, it's just one hour of blah after another. Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah…"</p>
      <p>Dib raised an eyebrow as he looked at Jessica. "Okay, NOW I've seen everything." He announced, quickly grabbing her cell phone away from her and hiding at the side of the stage and Jessica went into cell phone withdraw and floundered around like a fish out of water on the auditorium's floor.</p>
      <p>Dib removed the popularity-measuring headpiece on his head and smashed the cell phone on the ground. He then grabbed the two pieces of the cell phone and stuck half of it, the listening half, into Willy's ear.</p>
      <p>"Willy! Just repeat everything I say!" Dib whispered.</p>
      <p>"Dib, what have I told you about jamming things into students' ears?" Ms. Bitters snapped.</p>
      <p>Dib quickly scampered off with a yelp and Ms. Bitters turned to Candidate 2, aka Willy-Willy-Willy! "Candidate 2- begin the babbling!"</p>
      <p>Willy looked at the note cards. "Duuuh?"</p>
      <p>Dib, on the other hand, talked into his half of the cell phone. "If elected, I-"</p>
      <p>SCREEEEEEEN! Willy screamed, falling backwards. This got several people to laugh, and Dib nervously blushed, adjusting his volume. "Sorry!" He apologized as Willy got back up, waving his hand.</p>
      <p>"The grotesque monster boy avoids the issues." Zim remarked. "Just what does he plan on doing about the size of Dib's giant head?" Zim asked as a hovering monitor screen appeared near to Zim as he jabbed at Dib's head with a pointer stick.</p>
      <p>"If I am elected, Dib's head will be removed and filled with salted nuts!" Zim announced cheerfully.</p>
      <p>"SALTED NUTS!" GIR sang out as he flew through the air, landed in front of the crowd, then spewed out a mighty stream of salted nuts as the kids caught them eagerly in their mouths, increasing Zim's popularity and making him grin. Dib, meanwhile, ran outside of the auditorium through the side exit to get better clearance…and made his move as Willy began to speak slowly and clearly.</p>
      <p>"Your promise is RIDICULOUS!"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Record scratch</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Zim's eyes went wide as his popularity lowered. "What does it have to do with real issues?" Willy asked.</p>
      <p>Dib smirked as he kept talking into the cell phone, instructing Willy on what to say. "If elected, I promise to improve the terrible conditions at this skool, serve actual food for lunch! YEAH, FOOD!" He shouted, holding up two peace signs in the air a-la-Richard-Nixon. GIR clapped eagerly at this as the children cheered happily and Zim's hair stood on end, shocks running through his body.</p>
      <p>"Also, Dib will finally be appreciated for the genius that he is!" Dib couldn't resist saying.</p>
      <p>"Huh?" Zim mumbled.</p>
      <p>"Oh THAT'S just stupid." Nicholas groaned, slapping his face.</p>
      <p>Poor Willy had hot dogs, soda cups and a cat thrown at him. Then a toilet crashed into his podium, narrowly missing him. He blinked a few times in shock…</p>
      <p>But then Dib recovered. "I mean…I will give everyone laser beam eyes and shoes that make them invisible!" He announced.</p>
      <p>UP went the popularity meters! Iggins, Morla and Smet flew through the air as Willy, who had gotten the hang of it, took out the cell phone piece from his ear and held his fists up in the air. "Yeah! Willy! You like Willy! Yeeeah! And then we dance all day!" He added, jumping on the podium. "And NO MORE SKOOL! And…and…and…and…STUFF!"</p>
      <p>"Ah!" Dib gasped. "Willy, stop!"</p>
      <p>"And you all be my friend, and you can go home and not learn no more!" Willy announced.</p>
      <p>The crowd was going WILD. Dib blinked, realizing that perhaps Willy had some leadership qualities after all. Zim leapt up in front of Willy. "MADNESS!" He insisted to the crowd. "That's…oh…eh…" He glowered at Willy. "YOU! I…" He turned back and raised his fists up again. "I AM ZIIIIM!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…child after child made their way towards the cafeteria, talking amongst each other as they headed, one by one, into the voting booth. Zim and Willy were wearing large signs that read "Candidate 1" and "Candidate 2" respectfully as school guards flanked the blue voting booth and Ms. Bitters sat at her desk near the booth. Willy squeaked happily as he waved at the voters and Zim simply gave some friendly advice-</p>
      <p>"Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you. Vote for Zim or I'll destroy you."</p>
      <p>…never mind.</p>
      <p>"<strong>Boy</strong> I sure wish I could see who I'm punching the ticket for!" DL announced cheerfully from inside the ballot box.</p>
      <p>"Ms. Bitters! Zim is threatening the voters! He's disqualified, right?" Dib asked his teacher.</p>
      <p>"The child shrieks like a fruit bat!" Ms. Bitters complained, once more not caring.</p>
      <p>Well, Dib managed to dodge the droid the first time it came at him, but then it got BEHIND him and put ANOTHER clamp on his mouth.</p>
      <p>Gaz, who was the last voter, exited the ballot box and calmly walked to the side, knowing what was about to happen as an Administrative droid announced "Voting complete. CLEAR THE BALLOT BOX!"</p>
      <p>FWOOSH! Two large hoses rose up like snakes behind the voting booth and sprayed blasts of water. Dib was lucky enough to duck and Gaz had stood to the side but everyone other vote was knocked clear through the air of the hallway, screaming as Zim snickered and the hoses retracted.</p>
      <p>The ballet box began to go through all of the votes, displaying the number of votes on a screen in front of it. "Calculating... The winner is…"</p>
      <p>Zim leapt over the ballet box, dumping his sign-headpiece behind and smirking broadly. "ZIM! My empire of doom begins now!" He announced evilly. He could already picture it…a darkened sky, a large throne made from the ruins of the school as tall Irken guards stood watch over the large, massive throngs of beaten and humiliated HUUUUMANS who had to BOW TO ZIM!</p>
      <p>"Hail, Zim, Hail, Zim! Hail, Zim! Hail, Zim!" They chanted over and over as Zim threw his head began and laughed and laughed and laughed and-</p>
      <p>Then he noticed that he'd accidentally sat on Ms. Bitters lap, who hissed at him angrily and shoved him off.</p>
      <p>"The winner is... <strong>WILLY!</strong>" The administrative droid announced, with a ratio of 550-263. "Report to the principal's special chamber immediately!"</p>
      <p>Dib's eyes went wide, light flashing in them as he tore the clamp off his face and jumped in the air, punching it. "YES!" He shouted.</p>
      <p>Two administrative droids carried Willy by his arms out of the cafeteria as Zim tore at his hair. "No! Treachery! Lies! Ziiim!" He screamed as the school guards assorted Zim and Dib on top of a hover platform as they followed after Willy, with Zim still complaining. "Zim? LOSE? IMPOSSIBLE!" He turned on Dib and snarled. "This is your fault, Dib! And you shall pay!"</p>
      <p>"Face it, Zim! I beat you this time! And as Willy's campaign manager, victory will be sweeter than ever!" He added as Willy grunted.</p>
      <p>They approached a large door and were all tossed inside. There they saw that…the staff was shadowed…they couldn't see much more than vague shapes…and Prickley was holding onto some kind of rodent and was stroking it Blofeld-style, just as the rodent stroked a small toy it held in it's hands. The staff's eyes glowed as they looked Willy over.</p>
      <p>"Candidate 2, you won't disappoint us like your predecessor! You will obey! You won't complain about nasty toilets!" Principal Prickley announced.</p>
      <p>"Well, they are kind of nasty..." One teacher spoke up.</p>
      <p>"SILENCE." Principal Prickley snapped. "I got the silhouette outfits like "Father" out! We don't get to do that more than once a year so don't RUIN this for me!" He insisted as the rodent dropped it's toy. Prickley turned back to Willy and grinned. "Now, Willy, as student president, fulfill your destiny!"</p>
      <p>The rodent' s eyes became watery as it began to cry happily. "Oh, I'm…so moved…"</p>
      <p>"Duhhhh... okay!" Willy agreed. Instantly a laser lowered from the ceiling, aiming at Willy's head. "Awhuuuuoooh?"</p>
      <p>Dib and Zim looked at each other as the laser began to glow. They then screamed and quickly bolted out of the door, which slammed shut behind them. Light poured out in floodlight-style from the windows of the door and then…</p>
      <p>HE came out…glowing brightly and smiling in a chipper fashion as he spoke up in a decidedly BRITISH tone. "Chip, chip! Greetings, fellow students! Isn't skool just smashing? Tally on and chippy ho!" He announced to the kids as the children all cheered.</p>
      <p>AND SO…AT THE NEXT PEP RALLY…</p>
      <p>Everyone was throwing things like hats, soda cans and Nub Bubbins up into the air as Willy waved his arms at them all from behind his podium. "I say old chaps, our skool is great, and it's that greatness that makes us great! And we've got the finest toilets…or should I say loos…EVER MAAAADE!"</p>
      <p>"Yep. They needed a total idiot to be a pawn." Nicholas decided. "…you know I'm getting a little tired of realizing personality traits about other people." He told White.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, I think that-"</p>
      <p>"Being fully in touch with my intelligence in a hollow victory without my happy good nature to go with it?" Nicholas finished. "I AM thinking quite logically." He sighed. "Alright…I'll need you to get ahold of Nick…"</p>
      <p>Dib rubbed the top part of his nose as he squinched his eyes shut and bit the lower part of his lip. <em>"I would KILL myself, but they'd show that picture in the paper!" </em>He thought.</p>
      <p>Zim walked up to Dib, arms held behind his back. "Earth-smell, by the look on your face I can see you didn't intend to spare me from this horrible fate! And that makes it funny! So I thank you, human, for helping Zim!" He waved his hand. "Reward the child, GIR!"</p>
      <p>GIR popped up, still in his dog suit and he smiled broadly. "Salted nuts!" He yelled, opening up his head as nuts spewed out over Dib, who glared at Zim. "I hate you."</p>
      <p>GIR, meanwhile, deposited nuts into Gaz hand and the she began to chew away as Willy raised his hands and made two peace signs in the air, causing the kids to cheer once more.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, just keep stuffing him in!"</p>
      <p>"He won't go in all the way!"</p>
      <p>"Push HARDER, he'll fit inside!"</p>
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<a name="section0051"><h2>51. Vindicated!</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>Vindicated! I am selfish, I am wrong! I am right, I swear I'm right! Swear I knew it all along!</em>
      </p>
      <p><strong>VINDICATED</strong>!</p>
      <p>Nick was talking with Dib and Gaz as they walked down the hallway of school. They were headed for the playground…it would be Gym class soon.</p>
      <p>"Tell me again WHY you want me to be nice to Zim? I mean, you keep saying I'm going to be his friend one day, but he's pure evil." Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>Nick shook his head. "Look I will admit it will take quite a while. But Zim is surprisingly resilient, though sociopathic and critical. You've got common sense and genius going for you, but you've NO real people skills and you're not as technologically advanced as Zim, though close. The two of you, combined, create a super-team that has the power to spread true happiness through both worlds. "</p>
      <p>Gaz SLOWLY, Linda-Blair-style, turned her head to look at Nick. "If you think for ONE moment that Dib and Zim could admit to being friends, I'd have to ask you what you're smoking."</p>
      <p>"Well that's a hurtful thing to say, AND untrue, because you know I hate drugs!" Nick remarked, looking at her. "Why would you say something like THAT?"</p>
      <p>"Because I knew you'd pay too much attention to me and then THIS would happen." Gaz remarked.</p>
      <p>BANG! Nick collided with the doorway pole and Gaz laughed madly, walking off with Dib as Nick held his head and groaned, a large bump rising up from his forehead. "Why didn't I see that coming?!" He moaned out.</p>
      <p>And so, soon the students were outside in the playground.</p>
      <p>"I have shown you the horrors of war!" Coach Walrus yelled at them all, her brown, frizzy hair bobbing in the air, her large, smelly-looking tusks shining in the sunlight. "The devastation of famine! AND pictures of my birth! (That last one had been the most horrible to ALL of them) But I don't think you comprehend what awaits you in adult life!"</p>
      <p>Dib and Zim were now in mechanical exo-suits made for the sport of "Bludgeon Ball". The suits had two large cannons held up by shoulder straps that were filled with hard plastic balls, one with a blue color scheme, one purple. Naturally Dib was blue, Zim was purple.</p>
      <p>"To better prepare you for the inevitable character building horrors, we will now play bludgeon ball! It's fun!" Coach Walrus announced as she turned to the other children, then got out of the way.</p>
      <p><em>"So, it's human against alien! Ironic I should face my enemy in this stupid barbaric game!"</em> Dib thought to himself, eyes narrowing behind his glasses. <em><strong>"Let this be our battlefield!"</strong></em></p>
      <p><em>"…it's the size of a HIPPO, that head</em>!" Zim thought, blinking slowly.</p>
      <p>BWEEEE! Coach Walrus blew her whistle and Dib responded first, launching his barrage of bludgeon balls that barreled blazingly out in a burst…and how's THAT for alliteration?</p>
      <p>The whole class watched eagerly as the balls soared towards Zim and Dib laughed…</p>
      <p>And they soared…and soared. One kid took a bite of his sandwich and walked off to use the bathroom.</p>
      <p>And they soared…</p>
      <p>Doot calmly jumped rope and hummed happily.</p>
      <p>And they soared some more!</p>
      <p>Doot went to sleep in her bed, snoozing as she clutched a fillerbunny in her hands.</p>
      <p>And…they soared…</p>
      <p>"Hmm?" Zim mumbled, not understanding WHY it was taking so long for the balls to shoot out.</p>
      <p>And…they…soared.</p>
      <p>A fly landed on Dib's glasses and he blew it away…</p>
      <p>And then one SOARED and STRUCK Zim clear in the head! WOW! Let's go to the instant replay, White!</p>
      <p>"Indeed! Right HERE…" (A camera shot is shown of Zim. White holds up a marker and circles around a particular spot) "We see Zim's EXCELLENT facial expression of pain, including the bugging of the eyes which are immediately followed by a harsh stinging that goes through his facial nerves and makes him scrunch up. Now let's go to the slow-mo!"</p>
      <p>(The camera showed a slow-motion feed) "As you can see, Dib is now grinning happily as Zim is propelled backwards at a speed of…"</p>
      <p>(A dial is shown in the corner edge of the screen, racking up to fifty)</p>
      <p>"FIFTY miles an hour! His suit is now being TORN apart and as you can see, one of his CONTACTS has come clean off! This is a TREMENDOUS victory for DIB!" White said, tugging on a cord that lowered a large sign down through the air that read in big, flashing lights "Victory for Dib".</p>
      <p>And now we take you back to the playground, as Zim realized his contact had fallen out. "Hmm?"</p>
      <p>"WOAH! Look at his eyeball!" Morla yelled as other kids looked him over.</p>
      <p>"The eyeball of an alien invader!" Dib hissed.</p>
      <p>"Lies! <strong>Lies!</strong>" Zim yelled, pointing angrily at Dib. "Have you never heard of... <strong>PINKEYE!?</strong> It is a normal human illness." Zim insisted.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, Pinky has it pretty bad right now." Zita admitted, gesturing towards Pinky Scarball, who had an eye that was so badly infected there were DOZENS of stitches oozing out on it.</p>
      <p>Dib, however, groaned angrily. "Aw, C'MON!"</p>
      <p>"Dib, watch it! Zim's just sick and ugly." Morla insisted as Zim put his contact back in.</p>
      <p>"But... no pinkeye! Green skin! Red things!" Dib protested, bouncing up and down in place before falling backwards with a cry, making the Bludgeon Ball cannons shoot up into the air…and then fall back to land on HIS head. This got EVERYONE to laugh at him, most of all Zim.</p>
      <p>"Victory for ZIM!" Zim laughed.</p>
      <p>"Your screaming was amusing for awhile, Dib, but now you're just scary!" Coach Walrus announced as Dib got up. "Go to the counselor's office!"</p>
      <p>Dib sighed and wandered away, groaning in pain and unhappiness as Zim cheered. "YES, I am NORMAL! So normal and ugly am I!" He insisted as the kids nodded.</p>
      <p>Then he blinked, realizing what he'd just said. "Hey, wait a minute…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib sat inside of the guidance counselor's office, facing a man with black hair, a goatee, a red tie and a white, pocketed shirt. "Hi! I'm Mr. Dwicky, the new councilor!" Mr. Dwicky said in his comforting voice, his blue eyes flickering.</p>
      <p>"Uh, what happened to the old councilor?, White?"</p>
      <p>"Something…HORRIBLE!" Dwicky gulped, cowering in his seat as he bit his fingernails, looking up into the vents.</p>
      <p>"Help... meee..." A voice gasped out.</p>
      <p>"He got EATEN by the Vent People?" Dib gasped.</p>
      <p>"No, he got a better job. But moving along!"</p>
      <p>Dwicky smiled "So! You wanna tell me what's wrong?"</p>
      <p>"…nothing." Dib mumbled, looking to the side.</p>
      <p>Dwicky opened up a drawer and held up a huge file that said "Dib" on top. It had a police profile on the cover as well. "This file suggests otherwise." He remarked.</p>
      <p>"It doesn't matter. Nobody believes me." Dib mumbled as the vent person breathed slowly from inside the vent…slowly and heavily. "The earth's been invaded by an alien! He goes to this skool and my own people help him by being so <strong>ignorant</strong>!" Dib groaned, shaking his head. He then pointed at Dwicky. "You can laugh now. I'm crazy and full of lies." He snapped.</p>
      <p>Dwicky put Dib's file aside. "Actually, I always believed in aliens! But I never found any proof." He shrugged. "So I did the next best thing- I work with public skool children. <strong>They're</strong> scary too!" Dwicky admitted, cowering and shuddering in his seat again.</p>
      <p>"I'VE got proof!" Dib insisted, taking out his laptop which he always carried with him, hidden in his jacket. It was VERY lightweight. He put it on Dwicky's desk and it showed off a rotating model of Tak's Spittle Runner. "This is an alien space ship I captured!" He said. He then pressed a button and showed off a picture of a disguised GIR dumping out the trash. "And here's Zim's robot dog taking out the garbage. I try to go through Zim's trash once a week. Mostly I just find burnt gerbils and worn down rubber piggies but still…"</p>
      <p>Dwicky looked at the pictures, leaning on Dib's chair, which measured height. Dib was, for those of you wondering, 4 and a half feet tall, four and 10 inches if you counted his hair. Dib was only one and a half inches shorter than he was "So the <strong>dog</strong> brings out the trash!? How can it even hold things with those nubby arms?" He asked, sounding interested.</p>
      <p>"I KNOW!" Dib admitted. "And no one ELSE thinks it's weird! Or like how Zim doesn't have ears or how he doesn't think ponies know what we're thinking!"</p>
      <p>Dwicky, who had gone back to his chair to sip some coffee, spewed the coffee to the side and closed Dib's laptop. "Whoa, calm down! I believe you, Dib!"</p>
      <p>Dib blinked a few times. "You…you…" Sparkling light began to twinkle around his head. "You BELIEVE me?" He asked happily. "Wait a minute!" He frowned. "You escaped from some experiment where they hit you in the head with car doors, right?"</p>
      <p>Dwicky looked at a personal photograph of him lying on a floor, tied up, an alligator about to chomp on his head. He laughed, ah, Summer memories…</p>
      <p>"ALMOST! But no! I really <strong>do</strong> believe you! I even wanna help out!"</p>
      <p>Dib beamed. "A team? REALLY? Two believers against the world! And Zim!" He added cheerfully, grabbing his laptop and running out the door…but NOT before turning around in the doorway, smiling. "If you're serious, meet me after school is out!" He insisted.</p>
      <p>Mr. Dwicky gave him a thumbs up. "You GOT it, partner!"</p>
      <p>Dib smiled at this, a warm, fuzzy feeling going through his body. "PARTNER…" He headed out the door as fat, coffee-drinking fellow employee of the school popped up next to Dwicky.</p>
      <p>"Dwicky! You really believe in aliens?"</p>
      <p>"Ha-ha! Not anymore." Dwicky admitted. "You see all the child-like wonder was ripped from my heart the day my foot got stuck in an escalator and aliens didn't come rescue me." He explained, holding up a photo that showed off his mangled right leg. It had taken MONTHS for them to grow him a new one. "Naw, I'll just humor Dib until he tells me what the real problem is."</p>
      <p>The other teacher hurled his cup of coffee, grabbing the side of his head. "That's psycho-technical talk!" He screeched, sliding down the floor to babble on the ground.</p>
      <p>"Indeed it is!" Dwicky said cheerfully.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>"So you're his…what?" Gaz asked as he and her played "Face Puncher 5" at the arcade, skipping the rest of school because it would have been boring. "I don't get it."</p>
      <p>"His DIABOLICAL SELF." White explained simply. "I'm basically his darkest, most evil parts."</p>
      <p>Gaz looked a bit incredulous. "Oh come ON." She remarked as she rapidly beat out a combo, knocking White's character on the screen back with a bloody "BA-WHOOMF". "Nick? A bad side? He's 15 years old, right? I would think he wouldn't have a lot of bad IN him."</p>
      <p>"EXACTLY!" White laughed. "Exactly! First smart thing I've heard in a long while!" He remarked. "See, this is why you're right, because you're ALWAYS right." He laughed. "You see Gaz…" He grinned as his character jumped in the air, dodging Gaz's character's low-kick. "He once stole some money from his brother…well, more like borrowed and never returned, but still…and he was rash. And sometimes he had dreams about whacking the big floppy breasts of women like they were punching bags. That was about it." White remarked. "Everything else was accounted for, and then he got ME!"</p>
      <p>Gaz looked interested as she grinned. "Oh, and what ABOUT you?"</p>
      <p>"See without ME as a physical part of him, the kid's a nancy boy who's got almost no drives…and without HIM…" White grinned and pressed a button, doing a quick quarter-circle back and then pressing another button at the same time as a THIRD button, unleashing a "Hyper Combo" and making Gaz's character lose her nose, her eyeballs and most of her teeth, ending the fight. "I've got absolutely NO restraints." He added, smirking.</p>
      <p>Gaz and Zim headed back to Gaz's house and White offered to make her some home-made pizza. Gaz was upstairs when suddenly…</p>
      <p>CRASH!</p>
      <p>Gaz came down, blinking. She headed down the stairs and saw…</p>
      <p>"AAAAAA!" She yelled. There was a HUGE mess in the living room…a PLATE embedded in the TV. "YOU WRECKED THE TV!" She screamed.</p>
      <p>"Er…" White brushed his white hair nervously back with one hand while he had a "Poop" in the other. "I was putting two plates on the table and I spilled some soda and YOUR plate just FLEW out of my hands and…er…" He put the soda down and went to the TV. "Look, the "T-Bone's" still in place!"</p>
      <p>"GRRRRR…" Gaz began growling, her teeth gnashing.</p>
      <p>"Wait, Gaz, hold on, I'll buy you a new one!" White said. "I know some people who know some people who robbed some people!"</p>
      <p>"I don't want THAT…" She hissed. "I want you to swim in your guilt. I want you to roam the streets knowing that you have destroyed something of irreplaceable value to me! I want you to look into my tear-swollen eyes and see the pain that you and YOU alone have caused!"</p>
      <p>"…uh, yeah…whatever." White mumbled.</p>
      <p>"Then I want you to DIE!" She yelled.</p>
      <p>"Look, Gaz, I'm sorry!" White said. NOW his eyes were widening in fear.</p>
      <p>"SORRY!? All I can say, MR. WHITE…is that sometime in the next 6 hours I am going to wreak my vengeance against you. And when I DO, you are going to know what the word "sorry" <strong>really</strong> means!" Gaz remarked angrily.</p>
      <p>"Is that a FACT?" White asked, crossing his arms and looking smug.</p>
      <p>"<em>Yes</em>." Gaz hissed.</p>
      <p>"CRAAAAAAP!" White screamed, taking out of the house with a burst of dust.</p>
      <p>"Let the record show that it is now 12: 38…" Gaz whispered.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Dib was sitting on the couch with Dwicky, a large trash heap littered to the side filled with worn-out piggies and stuff, with ANOTHER trash heap behind them. Dib's laptop was on the table before them as Dib turned to Dwicky. "We teamed up just in time for you to help out with my plan to get Zim to confess his alien self to the world."</p>
      <p>"Hey, that sounds fun!" Dwicky remarked. He pointed at something on the screen. "Whuzzat?"</p>
      <p>"A schematic for an alien identification transmitter." Dib admitted. "I yanked it from Zim's computer. You can send messages with encoded signatures from alien races." He announced.</p>
      <p>"You know, if it works, we could pretend we're aliens and send Zim a transmission setting him up for a trap!" Dwicky suggested in a tone that really was more in tune with board games than tricking alien scum.</p>
      <p>"Right! We could catch him on video without his disguise! I was gonna use it to call him names in alien languages, but your plan's cool too." Dib admitted.</p>
      <p>And so, Zim and GIR, who were still in their disguises, stood in one of the lab rooms as Zim held up a fishbowl and a globe. Zim shoved the globe into the fishbowl, squishing the goldfish up against the glass. "NOW do you understand my latest and most brilliant plan for Earth conquest, GIR?"</p>
      <p>"I gotta eat that fish!" GIR exclaimed.</p>
      <p>"NO, GIR. The fish is part of the plan." Zim protested. Then he noticed the monitor was beeping, showing he had an incoming signal. He turned it on and saw strange, silhouetted beings with digitized voices.</p>
      <p>"Is it you, Irken Zim?" The taller one asked.</p>
      <p>Zim nodded. "Yes…I am ZIM!" Zim shouted, shaking his fists. "Who're you?"</p>
      <p>"We are Digzum and Commodore Sloat of the planet Plookesia." "Digzum" stated.</p>
      <p>"Sloat" cleared his throat. "We have crash-landed on this horrific planet, and you have some materials we could use for repairs, ya know?"</p>
      <p>Zim frowned, handing GIR the fish bowl. "Gimme one reason why I should help you!" He demanded.</p>
      <p>"A trade!" The alien "sloat" said, spreading his arms. "In return for your help, we will give you some super weapons! We would be most grateful, you jerk!"</p>
      <p>Zim rubbed his chin, apparently tuning out at the mention of "super weapons". "Eh? I could always use more super weapons. You might now know this, but I'm, uh, sorta gonna wipe out all the life of this planet."</p>
      <p>"Great! We'll meet you in the woods in one hour!" "Digzum" announced.</p>
      <p>"Oh, and don't wear a disguise! Just so we know you're not a human!" "Sloat" added.</p>
      <p>"The woods, huh? Vague, but okay. But those weapons better be super!" Zim insisted.</p>
      <p>"Oh-ho, they'll be super! They'll be so super, you'll rue the day you ever messed with planet Earth!" "Sloat" said, laughing evilly as GIR attempted to eat the fish, only to have it bounce off his head and out the lab door. The transmission ended and Zim smiled.</p>
      <p>"Boy he seemed like a happy guy!"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE AGAIN!</p>
      <p>Nick frowned as White motioned him over to the back of an alley near the "Mac Meaties" the teenager had gone to. "What IS it?" He asked. "Can't you go away? Every time somebody gets involved with you tends to get on fire. Like that judge. You set the judge on fire. TWICE." He snapped.</p>
      <p>"You have to keep Gazeline away from me!" White begged. "I accidentally broke the TV and she's vowed to make me pay!"</p>
      <p>"Did she say HOW?" Nick asked, looking concerned.</p>
      <p>"No. Which is what scares me the most." White whispered.</p>
      <p>"…that's…not good, I'm just…gonna go to the other side of town!" Nick shouted, running off.</p>
      <p>"AAA! NO! Don't leave me!" White screamed.</p>
      <p>THAT NIGHT…</p>
      <p>SHH! Be VERY, VERY quiet! They're huntin' IRKENS! Dib was on top of a log, holding up a video camera whilst Dwicky set up video recording equipment. "This is gonna be great! Today we expose Zim for the evil beast that he is!" Dib said, striking a dynamic pose on his log.</p>
      <p>Well…some time passed. And MORE time passed. Soon it was dusk and Dib was drawing a picture of Zim in his base as Dwicky looked at his watch. They'd been waiting two hours now.</p>
      <p>"Okay, I don't think Zim's showing up, Dib." Dwicky said, turning to Dib. "Maybe it's time you two stopped playing and told me the real reason you're so frustrated."</p>
      <p>Dib turned on Dwicky. "Playing!? This isn't playing! This is..."</p>
      <p>Suddenly he got it. He UNDERSTOOD. He sprung off the log, pointing at Dwicky. "You don't believe me! You…"</p>
      <p>He hung his head. "I thought you were different!" He said sadly, mournfully.</p>
      <p>"Look, I know you think I lie, and I-I did, but I was only trying to help." Dwicky insisted gently.</p>
      <p>Dib groaned and held his head, shaking it. "Isn't this just great!? While you waste my time, Earth gets one step closer to being taken over! That's my problem right there! My problem is that the human race seems to WANT to be destroyed!" Dib groaned. "No matter how hard I try nobody's really willing to openly <strong>help</strong> and the only few people who COULD help don't believe Zim's such a threat!" He protested.</p>
      <p>"Say, why don't we talk about this at school-" Dwicky began…but THEN he saw it.</p>
      <p>SAW IT.</p>
      <p>Zim's Voot Cruiser lowered from the sky and Dwicky's lip quivered, his eyes going wide as saucers as Zim hopped out of the cruiser, fists on his hips. GIR popped out of the cruiser as well, wearing the fish bowl from earlier in the day as a helmet. As Dwicky pointed at the undisguised aliens, Dib turned around and grinned.</p>
      <p>"He's HERE!" He said, grabbing the camera.</p>
      <p>"Who... what... an alien!? A real-" Dwicky gasped.</p>
      <p>"A REAL ALIEN, yes!" Dib insisted. "Glad to see you've come around, Mr. Dwicky! Here, record!"</p>
      <p>Dib tossed the camera to Dwicky, and they walked over to Zim.</p>
      <p>"Zim! We meet at last!" Dib laughed.</p>
      <p>"…I just…saw you three hours ago... What are you doing here, Stink-meat!?" He demanded to know.</p>
      <p>"You fell for our trick, Zim! There are no <em><strong>Plookesians</strong></em> coming to give you weapons! Isn't that right, Mr. Dwicky?"</p>
      <p>"Dwicky, huh?" Zim asked, looking Dwicky over.</p>
      <p>"Hi!" Dwicky said, waving.</p>
      <p>"Two against the armada? I'm not worried." Zim remarked.</p>
      <p>"Hey! Look at this! Doodeedoodeedooo!" GIR laughed, making armpit fart noises over and over.</p>
      <p>"GIR! ENOUGH! You're EMBARASSING me." Zim hissed.</p>
      <p>"How can he do that when he's a ROBOT?" Dwicky asked.</p>
      <p>"THAT'S where the genius lies!" Zim said quickly.</p>
      <p>"Two will become <strong>millions</strong> once the world sees this tape, Zim!" Dib proclaimd. "We'll s-WHAAAA!"</p>
      <p>He gasped at the sight of a strange, green, crystallized-looking space craft that was hovering down from the sky. Dwicky NATURALLY lifted the camera up to record this as the ship shone a light onto them all as a hatch opened from the ship and a walkway extended. Two aliens walked down this walkway, both tall aliens that appeared to keep their small heads inside of colored tubes, with the arms attached to the top of the tubes that made up their cyborg bodies.</p>
      <p>"I don't see any other Plookesians here."</p>
      <p>"Well, I could've sworn…"</p>
      <p>Dwicky gaped as Dib raised an eyebrow. "Hey! Who are you!?"</p>
      <p>"Oh, hey, how's it goin'? I'm Mooshy, and this is Spoopty. Uh, we're Plookesians! Uh, we heard a Plookesian signal and we came back to check it out, ya know, 'cause that's what we do, hm!"</p>
      <p>"Yeah, but it must've been a mix-up! Sorry for the interruption."</p>
      <p>Dib waved his hands in the air. "Wait, I sent the signal! I was using it to lure this alien!" He said, gesturing at Zim.</p>
      <p>"Hey, that 'taint none 'a our business!"</p>
      <p>Dwicky finally spoke up. "You're really all aliens!?""</p>
      <p>"Heh, uh, of course not! Gimme that camera!" Zim demanded.</p>
      <p>"Well, to us, YOU'RE the aliens!"</p>
      <p>Dwicky, Dib and Zim all stared at each other. Then the Plookesians burst out laughing.</p>
      <p>"That is never not funny!" Mooshy laughed.</p>
      <p>"I know! I know!"</p>
      <p>"Spoopty, you <strong>CRAZY</strong>!"</p>
      <p>Zim shook his fists in the air. "Enough! Where are my weapons!?" Zim demanded.</p>
      <p>"What weapons?"</p>
      <p>"The super weapons you promised me!" Zim growled, curling his claws.</p>
      <p>"Geez, Zim! Don't you get it? They never talked to you! It was all a trick!" Dib groaned. "How dense-"</p>
      <p>"Where are they!?" Zim yelled.</p>
      <p>"I don't know what you're talking about, but if it'll make you happy, we have some super weapons lyin' around if you want 'em." Mooshy offered. "Spoopty, get the guy the super weapons."</p>
      <p>"You sure are nice, boss." Spoopty said, boarding the ship.</p>
      <p>"Well, I do what I can."</p>
      <p>"A real spaceship! SPACESHIP!" Dwicky's eyes went wide. "And you fly through the stars, seeing all the universe!?"</p>
      <p>Spoopty walked back outside with an ENORMOUS pile of weapons in his arms.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, well, flyin' THROUGH the stars would be pretty stupid, man! But, yeah, we fly around. Heh. You wanna come along?"</p>
      <p>Dwicky squealed with joy. "Wow! DO I!"</p>
      <p>He ran onboard the ship with Mooshy as Spoopty dropped the super weapons in front of Zim, then climbed back onto the spaceship.</p>
      <p>"Hey! Thank you!" Zim said happily, waving goodbye.</p>
      <p>"DWICKY! What about our TEAM?!" Dib yelled.</p>
      <p>Dwicky waved goodbye to Dib, then realized he was holding the camera in his hands. "Oh." He shrugged, then smiled knowingly at Dib before the walkway retracted and the ship flew off. Dib lowered his head, shaking it sadly as Zim and the super weapons were deposited into the Voot Cruiser. GIR hopped inside as well as Zim smirked down at Dib.</p>
      <p>"Sad little Dib! No more ally and no more proof! How did you know to come here, anyway?"</p>
      <p>"Zim you MORON!" Dib yelled. "I told you, I arranged this meeting!"</p>
      <p>"Uh…huhhhh…" Zim shrugged. "Well, see ya!"</p>
      <p>With that, he and GIR flew off into the night as Dib's eye twitched. All went into slow motion gain…</p>
      <p>(And now let's get a GOOOD look at that face!)</p>
      <p>"NAAAAAA-OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Ah-HA!" White laughed, entering Gaz's living room and pointing at her. His jacket had blobby stains on them, his white hair was mussed up, there were cuts and bruises on his body, one shoe was off and his pant legs were torn. "It's Six Thirty-NINE! The six hours are up!"</p>
      <p>"…so they are." Gaz remarked, looking at the wall clock.</p>
      <p>"I laid in dog doo for three hours. I ate branches and twigs for lunch. I had to hide in dumpsters and old refrigerators' and hobos beat me up and ruined my jacket but YOU never…"</p>
      <p>White's eyes went wide as his finger slowly fell down. "…got…me…"</p>
      <p>"…let's do this again sometime." Gaz remarked evilly, holding up the TV remote and pointing it RIGHT at the camera.</p>
      <p>BBBZT!</p>
      <p>
        <strong>I do so enjoy writing this story. Review! I need reviews or my head will explode! It happens sometimes! :)</strong>
      </p>
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<a name="section0052"><h2>52. Dibship Rising</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>He may not have a clue, and he may not have style, but everything he lacks, well he makes up in denial! XD</em>
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      <p>
        <strong>DIBSHIP RISING</strong>
      </p>
      <p>SEVERAL WEEKS EARLIER</p>
      <p>Skoodge rubbed his chin as he looked left, then right, then made his way down the hallway. He was resolute…he would DO this, he would approach the Tallest and get the promotion he deserved!</p>
      <p>The problem was that when it came to getting promotions, EVERYONE fought each other for glory. You see, the thing is that Irkens were divided up into not just height classes but JOB classes, and therefore a SHORT Irken could "outrank" a tall Irken. Therefore the job classes were like gangs. Not REAL gangs, but more like…West Side Story gangs.</p>
      <p>And it appeared as if he wasn't the ONLY one who wanted the promotion. The doorway to the Tallest's lounge was just ahead…but down at the end of the hallway, Head Communications Officer Georgie narrowed his eyes as he looked at Skoodge.</p>
      <p>The two snapped their fingers as they made their way down the hallway, backs hunched over slightly. They twirled around as boppy music played and MORE of their fellow Invaders and Communications staff joined in, all walk-dancing together. A few cartwheeled across, then cartwheeled back…</p>
      <p>Then all of them twirled around, then STOMPED on the ground, coming face to face with their "rival", eyes narrowing, antennae twitching.</p>
      <p>"The job's MINE, shorty." Georgie growled.</p>
      <p>"We'll SEE, Georgie-boy…" Skoodge growled back. "We'll SEE!"</p>
      <p>PRESENT!</p>
      <p>Skoodge growled angrily as he looked at the newspaper in his hands. "Fleet Commander Georgie Wows Tallest with Meekrob Bombing Plan". His body twitched and he finally tossed the newspaper on the ground, jumping up and down on the newspaper, howling madly...</p>
      <p>"You hear somethin'?." Red asked Purple as they stopped in place and looked left and right, hearing the "Howl Heard 'Round the Massive".</p>
      <p>"..nah." Purple remarked, going back to eating his chips.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Dib was hard at work in trying to make some adjustments to Tak's ship in the Membrane garage whilst Gaz stood in front of a floating holo-vid screen that showed off her father's visage.</p>
      <p>"Kids, I'm glad we could have this dinnertime recording together."</p>
      <p>"…yeah…me too." Gaz muttered.</p>
      <p>"Now, Gaz, if you could just put that can of beans in the proton oven!" Their father raised his "Finger of Knowledge" up. "Be sure to take them out of the can or the explosion will destroy all human life!"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>HUMAN LIFE…HUMAN LIFE…</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Gaz grabbed a green can of "Explodey Beans", which were "exploding with flavor" and looked it over before she placed the entire can in the tubular-capsule-shaped proton oven and pressed a purple button at the front of the device…but just then all the power went out.</p>
      <p>"Dib!" She yelled angrily.</p>
      <p>"Sorry Gaz!" Dib yelled back, rushing out of the garage. Tak's ship was crawling out after him, spearing the ground with it's pod-claws, it's mechanical wires stuck into the garage's power generator, the thing had been charging for quite some time. "Just doing a few adjustments to Tak's ship!" Dib apologized.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, beans, beans, the magical fruit spewed forth from the proton oven as Gaz put mjorea and more cans inside of it. Unfortunately when she put two MORE cans inside of the oven the bottom half of it blew up in a sad, lackluster purple explosion of dust. Gaz blinked in surprise. "That didn't wipe out all life as we know it!" She muttered.</p>
      <p>Clenching her fist, Gaz immediately pulled all of the kitchen into a dark, fiery inferno down in the pits of hell as flames shot up into a blood red sky. "YOU <strong>LIED</strong> TO ME, DAD!" She howled.</p>
      <p>Dib wasn't doing well either, Tak's ship kept clawing at him over and over as it struggled to get closer to him. Unfortunately it was still plugged into the power generator, but with a show of strength Tak's ship broke free of it and it whipped it's wires at Dib, who ducked as the wires impaled a tool shack behind him. "Unauthorized access! Get away or I'll <strong>chop your legs off!</strong>" Tak's ship howled.</p>
      <p>
        <em>Like he ain't heard THAT before! Heh-heh-heh-ha-ha-ha-ha!</em>
      </p>
      <p>It broke a lamp post off in it's rampage, causing electricity to surge at the large yellow light bulb at the end of the post. Dib picked it up as lightning split the air from the impromptu weapon he held in his hand and his eyes glittered. "Let's see how you like this!" He yelled. "Nyah!" He stabbed Tak's ship with the post, making it jitter with electricity. "HAH!" He stabbed it again…</p>
      <p>Now the windshield popped open…it was vulnerable!</p>
      <p>
        <strong>FINISH IT!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Dib leapt inside the ship as Gaz, who had brought the kitchen back into reality with a simple shrug of her shoulders looked from the window nearby. "Tak had downloaded her personality into the computer, so it might be possible for me to download mine!" Dib yelled out. Gaz walked off and Dib rolled his eyes as he began to type into the control panel. "Gaz, are you listening to me explain all this?"</p>
      <p>"The audience is."</p>
      <p>"What?"</p>
      <p>"Nothing."</p>
      <p>"No! Stop what you're doing!" Tak's ship yelled. "You'll never destroy me! Yooouuuoooouuuu..."</p>
      <p>Her voice died off as a display panel showed off her specialized design image of the Irken symbol: an Irken "skull" with curled antennae. Now a purple, crested helmet device attached to Dib's head and two drills entered both sides of the helmet into plug regions. Electricity then surged through Dib's massive brain as he babbled madly.</p>
      <p>The monitor screen had been showing Tak's face to fit her personality. But now it was replaced by DIB'S face, and the face began to grin happily as more electricity, more data was being taken from Dib's head into the ship. Dib finally managed to raise a finger and pressed a button on the control panel, shouting out the command…</p>
      <p>"STOP!"</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>FWOOP! The drills and helmet removed themselves and sank back into the ship, which spoke up…with DIB's voice.</p>
      <p>"Personality transfer complete. Rebuilding-" Dib had the feeling that if the Dibship had "eyes", it would have blinked. "Hey! Who're you!?"</p>
      <p>"I'm Dib." Dib said calmly.</p>
      <p>"No you're not! I'M Dib! I feel funny! What's happened to me?"</p>
      <p>Gaz stood out by the doorway, looking at "Dibship" and Dib. "Dib! Come eat your stinking food!" She snapped.</p>
      <p>Dib turned to the ship's controls. "Um…I can explain later, just stay calm and stay here!"</p>
      <p>He ran inside the house as Dibship raised a claw up. "Wait! Stop! That's MY dinner!"</p>
      <p>Well, Dib headed to the dinner table as Gaz sat on the opposite end. A recorded Membrane holo-vid monitor screen held up two bowls of beans in it's arms.</p>
      <p>"Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?" It asked over and over.</p>
      <p>"It won't give us dinner until you enter your approval code!" Gaz remarked.</p>
      <p>Dib looked over at two buttons that were held up in front of the monitor, a red one that said "No", a green one that said "Yes". He pressed "yes" and the monitor sprayed some confetti into the air behind it as it played a triumphant trumpet blare. "And I love you, kids! The eating begins <strong>now</strong>!" It announced, handing them each their bowl of beans. Dib took a bite of his…</p>
      <p>Unfortunately that was ALL he was going to take. "Hands off my food, IMPOSTER!" Dibship proclaimed, peeking in through the window before bursting into the kitchen.</p>
      <p>"Hey! You're getting chunks of wall in the food!" Gaz snapped.</p>
      <p>"Don't panic, Gaz! That's not really me!" Dibship said, walking over to the "fake Dib". "He must be part of Zim's latest plan to replace me! Or something!"</p>
      <p>"WHATEVER." Gaz groaned, picking out a wall from her beans and then shoveling a handful in her mouth before walking off with her food, not wanting to be a part of this nonsense. Dibship grabbed the bowl of beans with a wire tentacle, much to Dib's surprise and annoyance.</p>
      <p>"Gimme that!" It said, tossing the beans at it's windshield. "Mmm, yummy!"</p>
      <p>The beans splattered all over, including some onto Dib, who folded his arms. "Look! Put the food down and I'll explain everything!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dibship paced around, it's wire tentacles dragging on the ground as Dib rubbed the back of his neck. "I know. The philosophical implications are quite... <em>philosophical</em>."</p>
      <p>"But I remember everything!" Dibship protested, extending a monitor screen from it's control panel. "I remember being a baby..."</p>
      <p>It showed off a "little Dibship" in a diaper with a rattler.</p>
      <p>"My first ghost baby sighting..."</p>
      <p>Now it showed a small Dibship next to a ghostly pinkish/white baby spirit.</p>
      <p>"My first baby alien encounter..."</p>
      <p>Now it showed Dibship with two alien babies in its "arms", one with light green skin and one with yellow skin.</p>
      <p>"Riding an alien elephant baby Dad made at his genetic mutation fair!"</p>
      <p>Now it showed an odd-looking grey elephant creature with Dibship riding atop and Prof. Membrane giving a big thumbs up.</p>
      <p>"Your memories are really of <strong>me</strong> doing all of those things! You have a copy of my magnificent brain inside you!" Dib said proudly, placing his hands on his chest as the monitor screen shot back into the Dibship.</p>
      <p>Unfortunately Dibship didn't take this too well."No! It's all lies! You're a clone! Zim must've sent you! I'm gonna stop you, because I'm the real Dib! <strong>I'm</strong> the real Dib! Not you!" Dibship roared in it's digitized voice, pounding the ground furiously with it's claws. "I'm Dib! I'm Dib! I'm Dib! I am Dib! I'm Dib! I'm Dib! I am Dib! I'm Dib!" It insisted over and over, tripping Dib with one wire tentacle.</p>
      <p>Dib quickly jumped inside the cockpit and pressed the "power down" button on Dibship, shutting it down and sighing. "I'm gonna keep you in sleep mode until I can sort this out." He spoke out loud, hopping out of the ship. He turned around briefly, eyebrow raised. "Am I really that annoying?"</p>
      <p>"YES!" His sister shouted from a window up above. Dib headed back inside…</p>
      <p>Not seeing the Dibship reactivate itself. It slithered a tentacle across the ground and if it could have, it would have grinned. "All right, time to go to work."</p>
      <p>It sent the wire tentacle in through Dib's window and looked at the "Sleeping clone".</p>
      <p>Know there was a moral dilemma. Would Dib kill a clone of himself? Granted this was an "evil clone", but still, it was a clone of himself, and Dib didn't have anything against other humans, only against Zim.</p>
      <p>"Dibship" decided not to resort to murder and it simply knocked shelves over in Dib's room, occasionally checking Dib to make sure that the "clone" was still asleep. It then blasted the alarm clock with a strange pink beam and the tentacle "nodded". "That should stall him." Dibship thought out loud, laughing evilly as it retracted it's tentacle back into it's-</p>
      <p>"Heeeeyyyy…I don't remember having <strong>tentacles</strong>..."</p>
      <p>Dibship promptly began to change form. It altered it's appearance, turning the cockpit into a bubble-like head, and making a black torso and "jacket" around it's body. A blue "shirt" complete with a face was emblazoned on the front of the torso along with thick, three-fingered arms and legs to go with the arms. For the final touch…a blue, digital "face" at the front of the head, which blinked a few times…</p>
      <p>He…was…DIBSHIP!</p>
      <p>"I'M DIIIB!"</p>
      <p>…uh…right. Of course you are.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…it was the next morning and Mathew P. Mathers III was the first to see "Dib" coming towards the bus. The sheer SIZE of it made him feel so sick he had to lean out the window and vomit…of course the immense amount of gummi bears stuck underneath the seats, which were making a sickly FRUITY smell waft into his nostrils didn't help either.</p>
      <p>"Good morning!" "Dib" said happily.</p>
      <p>"YAAAAGH!" The bus driver screamed as "Dib" tried to get inside the bus, knocking it over. All of the kids ran out the door or crawled out the window, screaming madly. Iggins punched a hole clear through the roof and FLEW away as "Dib" scratched his head.</p>
      <p>"…I guess I'll be walking!" He decided.</p>
      <p>Well folks, it didn't get much better at the SCHOOL either. MORE kids ran away from the oncoming "Dib" as he headed towards them at the cafeteria. "Aw, c'mon! I put deodorant on this morning!" He insisted.</p>
      <p>Poonchy, the Drinker of Hate, had gone to the window along with several others. "Hey! Dib's bein' all weird and giant again!" He stated.</p>
      <p>"Dib" looked in through the window at Zim, who was sitting alone in the cafeteria, back turned to the window, poking his food and mumbling. "Dib" promptly tore through the wall, making the other children scream and RUN for it.</p>
      <p>This sort of behavior begged the question "When was Dib giant BEFORE"? Well THAT comes from a tale when he was in third grade. It involved a troll.</p>
      <p>…yeah…it got pretty messy. Moving along! Dibship approached Zim, who turned around and looked "Dib" over. He blinked in surprise, then took out one eyeball, first the left, then the right, rubbing them on his shirt and placing them back inside their sockets after he'd blown upon them.</p>
      <p>"So, my eyes are right, as usual. Dib IS looking a little bit different this filthy Earth day." Zim remarked. "…wait a minute…" He extended a snazzy-metal scanning device from his PAK and scanned "Dib" over, eyes going wide at what it was saying.</p>
      <p>"I spotted your fake Dib-double, Zim! You already tried that once before and it won't work this time either!" "Dib" growled.</p>
      <p>"Hey! That's an Irken power signature inside of you! You're Tak's ship!" Zim said, pointing at Dibship.</p>
      <p>"What are you talking about!? I'm Dib! I'm Dib!" "Dib" insisted, promptly spazzing out again as he flailed around on the ground. "I'M DIB!"</p>
      <p>"Of course you are! Of course you are!" Zim remarked softly, quickly pressing a button on the scanner. It showed off the message "INITIATING CONVERSION PROCESS" and he smirked as it shot a beam of energy straight into the Dibship's forehead, making it scream. The last thing it heard before it went unconscious was Zim's victorious laughter…followed by coughing. Lots of hacking and coughing because Zim had overdone it again.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…We take you back to the Membrane home. Dib had woken up to see his alarm clock had had a hole blasted into it. He rubbed his sore head and blinked. "What…I'm…" His eyes went wide ."I'm LAAAATE!" He gasped. In a few moments he'd torn out of his house and had rushed down the sidewalk…unaware that Dibship was following after him, stealthily trailing him from the rooftops…</p>
      <p>Or as stealthily as a big, deluded ship could GET! Dib had now made it to "Hurt Park" and was running down a pathway that was a shortcut to school when he ran right past Dibship, who was sitting beneath a tree. "How did you get out here? Wait..." He frowned. "You shut my alarm off, didn't you!?"</p>
      <p>Dibship stood up and spread it's claws in an apologetic gesture. "I'm sorry, Dib. I tricked you and escaped. I thought I was the real Dib but I was confused." It stood up. "Wouldja like to get inside and I could take you to skool..." It took it's windshield down and put one claw behind Dib's back in a friendly gesture. "<strong>Pal</strong>?" It asked gently.</p>
      <p>Dib beamed. "Wow. <strong>Really</strong>? Are you sure?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"Yep! Then we can repair my flight systems together! Just Dib and Dib!"</p>
      <p>Dib grinned happily, holding his fists up. "MAN, this is too amazing! With your help, we can get you flying again! Just think of all the places I can go!" Dib remarked as he hopped inside the cockpit…</p>
      <p>And was promptly wrapped up in wires. Dib screamed as the windshield closed up and Dibship leapt through the air, running along a pathway through Hurt Park. "Ahh! Nooo! Wait!" Dib yelled. " Where are you taking me!? NO!"</p>
      <p>The Dibship ran clear out of the park and jumped over a building, going far over the school. "Bad ship! Bad!" Dib yelled.</p>
      <p>A moment later a monitor activated, showing off Zim in his school kid disguise. A twig was in his toupee and he was laughing evilly as the Dibship landed in the back of the school near some tables, making one child scream and run off.</p>
      <p>"<strong>Zim</strong>! That figures! Your controlling the ship from your base, aren't you?" Dib demanded to know.</p>
      <p>"Oh, NO, Dib!" Zim laughed. "I am riding on the back of the ship <strong>right now!</strong>" He cackled.</p>
      <p>Sure enough, GIR and Zim were atop of Dibship, with GIR in his dog suit gnawing on an acorn, imitating a squirrel as Zim tugged the twig out of his hair. Dibship then ran off, rushing out of the schoolyard playground and into the city…</p>
      <p>"So where am I supposed to I put this?" White asked Nick as he held up a fillerbunny in the office building. He suddenly noticed Dibship running by him and he blinked. "Well THAT'S interesting."</p>
      <p>"Don't worry, they'll be fine." Nick insisted.</p>
      <p>White turned back to him, holding the fillerbunny up. "Now about this-"</p>
      <p>Then Nick noticed a man falling down past his window towards the street below. "Did you see that?" Nick asked.</p>
      <p>"See what?"</p>
      <p>"Somebody just fell down that window. Downwards!" Nick announced.</p>
      <p>"It's a board meeting, remember?" White remarked.</p>
      <p>"Ohhhhh." Nick nodded.</p>
      <p>WOOP!</p>
      <p>"That was Wilkins from finance."</p>
      <p>"No, that was Robertson."</p>
      <p>"No that was Wilkins-"</p>
      <p>WOOP!</p>
      <p>"Oh, THAT was Wilkins."</p>
      <p>"Good golfer. Lousy finance worker. I think Parkinson's next."</p>
      <p>"Bet you ten bucks it won't be." Nick swore.</p>
      <p>"You're on!" The two shook hands and went to the window, looking up. "C'mon, Parky!" White urged.</p>
      <p>"Don't be silly, Parky!" Nick insisted.</p>
      <p>"C'mon Parky!"</p>
      <p>Dib, meanwhile, raised an eyebrow inside of the Dibship "You're RIDING the ship? Heh, that's pretty stupid. Couldn't you just control the ship from your base?" He asked.</p>
      <p>Zim blushed nervously. "Well, uh... SILENCE!" His eyes narrowed as he "pointed" at Dib. "Soon you will dumped in the city cess pool, where your innards will melt for millions of years!" He laughed.</p>
      <p>"Ha! The ship would never do that to me!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>BANG! Dibship leapt off the roof it had been on and clung to the wall of a large skyscraper, scaling the wall. "I must obey the Irken Empire!" Dibship said in a monotone.</p>
      <p>"You see, your ship obeys me now! Ship- make him sick!" Zim demanded, clenching his fist.</p>
      <p>"I OBEY!" Dibship said, leaping off the building and spinning around in the air, making them ALL scream in horror. Zim and GIR struggled desperately to hang on, though Zim tried to keep his HAIR on more so than he tried to keep his GRIP. Then Dibship launched it's wire tentacles out and it clung to a surrounding building, skidding to a stop.</p>
      <p>"That was stupid! Again!" Dib protested.</p>
      <p>"Oooooh." GIR said, eyes going wide.</p>
      <p>"<strong>Silence</strong>! I'm ingenious!" Zim insisted, shaking his fists in the air defiantly as the Dibship leapt over more roofs, heading through the city.</p>
      <p>"There must be some little piece of me still inside of you!" Dib begged. "Ship! Can you remember our fifth birthday when we fought off that swarm of alien ghost bee babies?"</p>
      <p>"BEES? WHERE?!" Zim yelled, looking left and right.</p>
      <p>Dibship stopped at the edge of a building. "NOOO! NO! I…I…" It hesitated, but Zim was NOT about to give up this easily.</p>
      <p>"<strong>Obey meeee!</strong> You are Irken property!" He snarled.</p>
      <p>The ledge gave way. They plummeted downward, finally coming to a screetching halt as the ship hit the "H" of a glowing neon "HOTEL" sign. Dib could tell he was getting through to the ship and he went on.</p>
      <p>"And do you remember the time we saved a bus-load of horrible kids from a nut-eating moose? Rob gave me a wedgie the next day!" Dib went on.</p>
      <p>"Wedgie... errr... It hurt so bad!" Dibship groaned, spasming on the top of the sign.</p>
      <p>"Obey me, ship thing!" Zim hissed. He turned his head, noticing a few birds that flew by, THEN the cesspool which was off in the distance. "Ah! The cess pool! Prepare for your smelly demise of smeelll!"</p>
      <p>GIR held up a snack pack full of acorns, shaking it. "I LIKE corn! I do."</p>
      <p>Inside of the cesspool, a crane had attached to the perimeter, lifting up a container filled with filth. Dibship leapt onto the cesspool and began to scale the massive crane as Zim and GIR laughed evilly.</p>
      <p>"No! Ship! It's NOT too late!" Dib insisted as GIR tossed acorns out of the little pack of acorns he had. The driver OF the crane watched the whole scene in amazement, deciding to press up against the windshield to get a better look. Unfortunately the windshield may have been BULLETPROOF, but it wasn't "Earl" proof. He promptly fell through the windshield into the cesspool.</p>
      <p>"Ship! Remember! Remember who I am! Who YOU are!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>The Dibship extended the cockpit holding Dib out, about to dump him in the cesspool. The wires began to unwrap from Dib as the cockpit rotated, dumping Dib in…or it WOULD have, if not for Dib managing to hold on to the cockpit by one hand.</p>
      <p>"Who…were are! Who…I am!" Dib gasped out, beginning to slip.</p>
      <p>"NO! Listen to ZIM! Hear me!" Zim demanded.</p>
      <p>Well, Dibship made it's choice and snatched Zim in it's claw, sending him spiraling through the air. He soared onward…and hit the sunset. PFWOOM! Dib, unfortunately, didn't get to cheer this since he fell down…down…</p>
      <p>And was quickly caught by Dibship's wire tentacles which pulled Dib back up.</p>
      <p>"I AM Dib!" Dibship said happily.</p>
      <p>"YES!" Dib proclaimed, smiling as he leapt into the air, striking a heroic pose.</p>
      <p>"Everyone thinks I'm a freak!"</p>
      <p>"…yyyeeesss…" Dib admitted sheepishly, landing back on the wire tentacles, which had now made a platform.</p>
      <p>"I'm a loser!" Dibship moaned.</p>
      <p>"Um... That's kinda mean, ship."</p>
      <p>"This... knowledge is horrible! I can't live like this! Must erase personality programming! Life passing before my eyes... backwards!" Dibship groand as the filth-covered Earl the crane driver clung to the tentacles that were extending from the back of Dibship. A pidgeon hit him and he fell BACK in.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…some time had passed. GIR was fishing from the Dibship as the Dibship continued to complain, with Dib calmly listening as GIR reeled up Earl the crane driver.</p>
      <p>"There's that lunch I had yesterday. There's that wedgie. And there's Zim coming to Earth and that other wedgie."</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…now it was night. GIR was still fishing.</p>
      <p>"And there's me eating a sandwich. Mmm, leftovers. There's me in the bathroom. I was sick that day."</p>
      <p>GIR reeled in what appeared to be a lizard as Dib held his nose, now sitting next to GIR. "Can you hurry? The smell's getting to me." He remarked as a pigeon snatched up the lizard GIR had caught, dragging GIR away along with it.</p>
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<a name="section0053"><h2>53. Top of the Line, Part 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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      <p>
        <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>One wise reader asked if I was going to do the unaired/never finished episodes of Invader Zim. The answer is, as I said much, much, earlier...YES! And so, to honor that request, I present to you...THIS chapter!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>TOP OF THE LINE, PT.1</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Within the Massive, Skoodge headed for the control deck, a slightly bothered look upon his brown-eyed face. He walked up to the door of the main control deck and pressed the blue button labeled "Open", and the door slid open to reveal the control deck. Red and Purple were facing the main viewscreen of the control deck and…playing video games.</p>
      <p>"Oh oh! No!" Purple shouted. "Go that way! No wait! Jump! Press B! B button!"</p>
      <p>"Will you CLAM UP?!" Red snapped as he swayed his arms, clutching onto the white control pad. "HA! Gotcha now-ERRGHH!" He frowned. "Damn you, Mario! DAMN YOU!"</p>
      <p>Skoodge blinked a few times, then sighed and walked over to beneath the viewscreen, holding up a snazzy metal clipboard. "Uh, My Tallest? There is a situation that needs-"</p>
      <p>"Keep quiet, ya lump!" Red snapped. "Mario won't jump right! Which is ironic because his nickname is "Jump Man"…"</p>
      <p>Skoodge sighed so deeply he almost put out his back as Red's tongue was stuck out slightly in concentration. "C'mon…c'mon…almost…"</p>
      <p>"Doo-Dee-Doooooo!" The viewscreen showed "YOU WIN" in big fancy letters as confetti sprayed out from nozzles to the side of the viewscreen.</p>
      <p>"YES!" Red laughed happily.</p>
      <p>"Hiscore!"</p>
      <p>"Ohhhh yeaaaahhhh." Red said in a deep voice. "Upstairs!" He laughed, bumping chests with Purple.</p>
      <p>"Downstairs!"</p>
      <p>They bumped lower parts.</p>
      <p>"…I'm not comfortable with downstairs." Red decided.</p>
      <p>"Really? Well, I just wanted to try it out." Purple remarked, shrugging.</p>
      <p>"Uh…my Tallest?" Skoodge spoke up again, holding the snazzy metal clipboard in the air.</p>
      <p>"Oh, right." Purple and Red turned to look at Skoodge. "What's happedy-hap?"</p>
      <p>"…the Armada has unfortunately suffered an awful blow. We tried to take on Meekrob again and the commanding unit's lead ship unusable and-"</p>
      <p>"Cut to the chase!" Purple snapped, holding up a small puppet of himself as he and Red began to box with their respective puppets. "Ha-ha! En garde!"</p>
      <p>"Er…Head Fleet Commander Georgey fell in the line of duty." Skoodge said sadly, lowering his head. "His engines were sadly gummed with what appears to have been…" Skoodge looked the report over. "…nacho cheese, and he died a horrible but delicious death."</p>
      <p>"Nacho cheese?" Purple asked. "How did THAT happen?"</p>
      <p>Down the hallway, Darth smiled broadly as he dipped a chip into a LARGE tub of nacho cheese with Felix clapping his hands nearby. "Ah, the power of CHEESE." He remarked.</p>
      <p>"So ol' Georgey finally bit the dust, huh?" Purple asked sadly. "Oh, and he was such a brave solider…"</p>
      <p>"Yeah…hey…" Red whacked Purple's arm. "Remember when he graduated first in the class back at the academy three years before us? Ahhh…he was so cold and ruthless…" Red thought to himself, a mental picture of Georgey appearing in a though bubble to the side of his head. "Alas! Who would've thought he'd be shot down in his prime?"</p>
      <p>White, sitting nearby atop of Service Drone Bob's tray-covered head, played a sad tune on a violin as Bob groaned and moaned horridly.</p>
      <p>"…ah well!" Red said cheerily. "Guess this means we gotta get a new fleet commander!"</p>
      <p>"Yeah!" Purple agreed.</p>
      <p>"Someone strong and levelheaded!"</p>
      <p>"Yeah!"</p>
      <p>"Someone we can depend on and that would be able to handle any situation!"</p>
      <p>"Yeah!"</p>
      <p>"Someone…that's the exact opposite of ZIM!"</p>
      <p>All of the other Irkens in the room IMMEDIATELY turned to look at the Tallest, save for Skoodge, who just stood there, looking around at the other officers who were waving their hands and going "Ooh, ooh, me! MEEE!" as their eyes bugged out.</p>
      <p>"Too bad we don't have anyone like THAT." Red admitted.</p>
      <p>All of the others all slowly lowered their hands and returned to their stations as Skoodge sniffled slightly and White went back to playing the sad violin music.</p>
      <p>"HEY! I just got an idea!" Purple remarked, holding a claw in the air.</p>
      <p>"…YOU? Have an idea?" Red asked. He grinned. "Wow, you're having a good day today! Okay, what is it?" He inquired.</p>
      <p>"Why don't just do some sort of contest?"</p>
      <p>Red sighed. "Once more I speak too soon. Pur, we can't just have every Irken wanting to be a fleet commander flocking to-"</p>
      <p>He blinked. "…wait…a…MINUTE! What if we have all the <strong>Invaders</strong> compete against each other? Most of them have completed their missions already anyway."</p>
      <p>"Except poor, poor Tenn…" Skoodge admitted.</p>
      <p>"True." Red and Purple agreed at the same time. They all bowered their heads for a moment of silence before cheering up again. "And let's have the SIRS do stupid, life-endangering events! That way we'll just replace them if they break or blow up!"</p>
      <p>"That's another good idea! You really ARE having a good day!" Red said happily. He turned and pointed at Skoodge. "Alright Skoodge, send data files to every single Invader about the contest!"</p>
      <p>Skoodge saluted and rushed off…but none of them were aware that, watching them speaking via a camera bug installed in the ceiling was Tak. She was hiding on the planet Junkyardia in Sector 21 and grinning evilly. Placing her claws together and tapping them, she smirked in a devilish fashion and began to laugh.</p>
      <p>"Ha-ha-ha-ha…yes…a SIR unit contest…and Zim will no doubt be there, knowing his colossal ego. This is the perfect opportunity for you, my pet…" Tak whispered, turning her head to a containment tube to the side.</p>
      <p>A pair of red eyes lit up and Tak began to laugh insanely. "HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAKKKK!" She then began coughing madly. "AAAKKK! AAAAKKK! Ugh…" She breathed deeply a few times. "I need a DRINK…"</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>"Oh so close, DIB. BUT NOT CLOSE ENOUGH TO OUTWIT ZIM!" Zim announced as Dib lay on the ground, with GIR lying atop him. "Now GIR, get back over here!" Zim snapped.</p>
      <p>GIR hugged Dib's huge head again and headed towards Zim, jumping through the air. "Catch meeeee!" He laughed.</p>
      <p>"AAA! No-no-no-no-"</p>
      <p>BAM!</p>
      <p>Tackled! Dib rose up, dusting himself off and frowned. "Where'd my camera go?!" He asked out loud, going through his pockets.</p>
      <p>"Lookin' for THIS?" Zim sneered, holding up Dib's camera. He had tied GIR up with metal ropes he'd somehow miraculously pulled out of his pocket. "HA! You failed AGAIN you miserable stink beast! And you'll always fail-"</p>
      <p>"I'm gonna HUG you!" GIR sang out, GLOMPING Zim from behind and making Zim drop the camera. Dib smirked and rushed forward, grabbing the camera off the ground and rushing off, laughing.</p>
      <p>"AAA! NO!" Zim screeched, his wig messed up and his face dirtied.</p>
      <p>"Uh oh, he got away!" GIR laughed.</p>
      <p>"You! YOOOUUU!" Zim growled, pointing a claw at GIR. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, GIR! HOW COULD YOU LET HIM GET AWAY!?"</p>
      <p>"But you tied me up." GIR remarked.</p>
      <p>Zim blinked. Then…</p>
      <p>(Camera pans out to view of Earth and a loud Irken screech of fury. Then it pans to Dib's house…)</p>
      <p>Dib grinned as he looked at his computer screen, having accomplished far more than he'd hoped. He calmly watched the feed from the video camera continue before at last he reached what he was looking for…the footage of the new databank of Zim's computer. He'd been looking through new reports issued by the Irken Armada and had found out MANY interesting things…things he'd HAD to take down. And unbeknownst to him, somebody else was looking at the same bit of inspirational propaganda…</p>
      <p>"Travel to new worlds. Meet fascinating new people…and disintegrate them. How? Simple! Become our new Fleet Commander by entering your SIR unit in our "Top of the Line" competition at the Planet Arcadia, home of the galaxy's biggest coliseum! Offer extends to Invaders only!"</p>
      <p>Zim grinned as he looked at GIR. "Imagine it, GIR, if you can! I would be able to command the Armada's ships! I could rain screaming DOOM upon the Earth! AND…" He grinned even more broadly. "I'd look good while doing it too. Look at the ships!" He pressed a button on the control panel of his data bank and it showed off one of the armada's flagships.</p>
      <p>"AND this snazzy cap that the fleet commanders get!"</p>
      <p>BOOP!</p>
      <p>It now showed off a nice-looking cap that circled around and around on the computer's display screen.</p>
      <p>"OOOOH. It's PURPLE!" GIR exclaimed.</p>
      <p>"I know." Zim said happily. "So, GIR…there's no time to lose! The sooner we win this competition, the sooner I'll get one of those the snazzy fleet commander caps!" Zim told him.</p>
      <p>"This is a chance to get rid of Zim once and for all!" Dib realized.</p>
      <p>"What are you doing?" Gaz asked, looking over his shoulder.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, this looks interesting." Nick said, blinking a few times.</p>
      <p>"AAA! How'd you get…I CLOSED the door!" Dib insisted. "AND locked…" He finally hung his head. "Nevermind. Zim's going off to a far-off planet to have his insane robot compete in some gladiatorial games!"</p>
      <p>"Then we're going to go too." Nick said.</p>
      <p>Dib blinked, then turned to look at the teenager. "Really?"</p>
      <p>"Yep! If you show up to support him, he'll realize that you two can be civil, and from there it's just a hop, skip and a jump to being friends!" Patting Dib on the head, Nick then went to the window, crawled out, and soared through the air, laughing as he did so.</p>
      <p>"…you're not interested in going to cheer Zim, are you?" Gaz inquired.</p>
      <p>"NOPE!" Dib laughed. "If I follow him and make sure he has an "accident" at the competition, Earth will be saved!" He said, grinning happily.</p>
      <p>"A planet with a gladiatorial coliseum?" Gaz asked.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, and let's see what else…" Dib pressed a few buttons on the keyboard. "Planet Arcadia, home to the famous race of super-powered beings has always been a planet willing to host famous competitions and contests and has been made even more famous for their incredible selection of junk food and half-time entertainment. Their economy runs off of the production of…this is odd. Cartoons, web sites, video games and movies…"</p>
      <p>Video games?! Gaz's eyes widened. Then she smiled. "I'm coming too. Sounds interesting."</p>
      <p>"What? This is SERIOUS fate of the world…alright, fine, you can come." He sighed. "You'd probably just get there with or without my ship, right?"</p>
      <p>"Right."</p>
      <p>"Will you at least TRY to help me with destroying Zim?" Dib begged.</p>
      <p>"How?" Gaz inquired.</p>
      <p>"I know you've got C4 under your bed."</p>
      <p>Gaz walked out of the room while Dib crossed his arms. After a few moment of just nonchalantly looking around his room, Gaz walked back in, tossing some C4 to her brother, along with a remote.</p>
      <p>"There. Now let's get packing." She said.</p>
      <p>"Arcadia awaits!" Zim laughed evilly, hunching his back over and rubbing his gloved claws.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Sue pressed a button on her computer's console in the large laboratory that she had set up behind her house. As she stepped away from the console to look at the large view screen, she smiled at the sight of the being appearing on the screen.</p>
      <p>"Like, how can I help you, dudette?"</p>
      <p>"You're "Frequency", aren't you? The Bounty Hunter?"</p>
      <p>"Yeah. That's me. A killer that's totally KILLER, dudette. Who do you want whacked 'n stuff?"</p>
      <p>"You don't look too impressive." Sue announced, folding her arms across her chest, her pink eyes glittering.</p>
      <p>Frequency shrugged. "Well I know how ya feel, lady. But listen, I ain't a frube. If there's a wave comin' on the water, I gotta catch it and rip it. I'm no kook."</p>
      <p>"Fine. Prove it. I'm going to be going to the Planet Arcadia and I want somebody ELMINATED in case I can't do the job myself!"</p>
      <p>"You want him locked in on Arcadia?" Frequency inquired, raising his eyebrows. "Perhaps have a Man in a Grey Suit eat him?"</p>
      <p>"Man in a Grey Suit?"</p>
      <p>"Shark, lady."</p>
      <p>"No, no! Don't be weird!" She insisted. "Crazy surfer boy!"</p>
      <p>"How about a headshot with my abilities?" He inquired. "I'll make 'em do a wipe out that he won't live through."</p>
      <p>"That sounds good." Sue said, nodding. "Here…" She approached the console and began typing in some information. "Those are his specs…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Arcadia was a swirling blue/green orb that closely resembled Earth, really. A hundred different ships were heading towards the planet right now, zooming out from hyperspace to enter it's airspace. Going through a thick layer of clouds, the city of Axis sparkled below, hovering in the air, a beautiful and futuristic city that made up one small, floating continent. The buildings towered up into the sky as ships of a thousand different sizes and colors hovered around.</p>
      <p>Currently we bring you to one special area…an hourglass-shaped building that doubled as a restaurant AND the largest kitchen in all of the city, with the fine customers eating above a churning and bustlingly busy kitchen.</p>
      <p>Above all, the most defining features of the Arcadians were that they looked an ENORMOUS amount like humans. Sometimes their hair was unusual…often you'd see square hair or people with hairstyles that looked like something from anime, but the biggest difference between an Arcadian and a human was the lack of nose. Yes, they had no nose.</p>
      <p>And one good example was the glasses-wearing, black and square-haired Darin the Arcadian, a famous scientist who stretched his arms out as he addressed his party at said restaurant's table.</p>
      <p>"How is everyone liking their dishes?" Darin inquired. He was a geeky-sounding being who gave off the distinct impression that he was a fan of every TV show or video game that had "Star" and "Galactic" <strong>anywhere</strong> in the title. "I tell you, the discovery of a new dish does more for happiness than the discovery of a STAR!" He laughed.</p>
      <p>Zim sat next to GIR, who was sucking away on an Icee that was a mix of bubble gum and cotton candy, with chocolate sprinkles mixed in. Well, actually, the thing was so THICK he just decided to take a spoon to it and scoop chunks of it into his mouth. Zim was calmly drinking a root beer, looking Darin over. He remembered Darin from his days as a scientist…Darin had always been finishing projects early, so he'd been MORE than happy to play video games with Darin. He was one of the few non-Irkens that Zim felt some tiny liking towards.</p>
      <p>Skoodge, who was sitting to the left of his new SIR unit, whom he'd named "SIR-VENT" as a pun. He usually just called him "VENT" though. Vent wasn't much different from a normal SIR unit, save for the fact that Skoodge had decided to give him a little smiley-face sticker on the top of his head so that whenever he was feeling down, he'd just look at his SIR's head and smile. Plus it kept him from thinking of his LAST SIR unit, who had gone cuckoo-pants and tried to kill him.</p>
      <p>Also at the round table was the long-suffering, just-recently-off-of Meekrob Invader Tenn. Tenn had not been able to conquer Meekrob yet…she was desperately hoping that if she became the fleet commander that that would change. Her SIR unit was the only SIR unit she'd been able to take control of…but it had a big hole to the top left of it, which Tenn had tried to cover with a bow, which kept slipping down, which thus forced the SIR unit to put the bow back on. Tenn suspected that the shot had affected the thing's personality somewhat…</p>
      <p>Invader Darth and Felix were also there, but for a different reason. Darth had secretly come there to kill Invader Zim. Even if Zim had been somewhat of a pawn, Darth couldn't bring himself to forgive Zim…so he had lied and said that he was here to cheer Zim and Skoodge and Larb and Tenn on. Yes, Larb was sitting there too, chatting it up with Darth, while Felix looked around, eyes wide with fascination.</p>
      <p>"WOAH." He said, looking out the large window behind them. "I just saw a floating pink craft that looked like a big rat!"</p>
      <p>"I hate rats." Skoodge sighed. "I never want to see another rat ever again, not after Blorch!"</p>
      <p>To be honest though, Darth hoped that one of them would TRASH Zim's SIR unit in the competition. He didn't care about GIR's fate either. That thing could share it's master's fate of destruction.</p>
      <p>"I tell you, that blue girl over there, the one with all the muscles? The one having scampi? I'd put my <em>mebo </em>into HER <em>niya</em>!" Larb told Felix and the others, grinning toothily to reveal some fried mozzarella stick pieces stuck in between his teeth.</p>
      <p>"Glad to see you like it here. Now as you may or may not know…" Darin gestured in the air. "The main event for the "Top of the Line" competition will occur at Amplifier Amphitheatre."</p>
      <p>"Why the Double A?" Larb asked.</p>
      <p>"It's got SWEET surround sound with kickin' bass AND there's three or four speakers…"</p>
      <p>Everyone leaned in.</p>
      <p>"Per SEAT."</p>
      <p>"OOOOOOOH." They all went.</p>
      <p>"Oh my Tallest, that's Prince Aikka!" Tenn exclaimed, eyes widening at the sight of somebody over at the next table. "He's DREAMY. You know I wasn't into archery before but I'm kinda into bows and arrows now…a LOT."</p>
      <p>"Hello everyone!"</p>
      <p>Darin grinned and turned around to hug the newcomer. "Nick! How ARE you? Guys, I want you to meet a good associate and friend of mine, Nick Grey. He's brought some friends of his here that a few of you might recognize."</p>
      <p>GIR smiled as he saw Dib, Gaz, DL and Nick appear. "Hair-ator! Big-head boy! Gazzy!"</p>
      <p>Gaz just nodded. Dib frowned. "My HEAD is not big!" He complained.</p>
      <p>"DIB?!" Zim snarled and got up in his seat. "What is the DIB STINK doing here?"</p>
      <p>"We're here to cheer you on, Zim! To wish you good luck." Nick said. "Right Dib?"</p>
      <p>Dib sighed. "Yeah. I guess…" He mumbled.</p>
      <p>"He'll get there." Nick insisted, nodding his head.</p>
      <p>"Are these "associates" of yours?" Larb inquired of Zim.</p>
      <p>"No, more like a good acquaintance or two and a HATED NEMESIS!" Zim hissed, pointing at Dib.</p>
      <p>"You could try and rephrase that a LITTLE." Darin reproached him.</p>
      <p>"I dislike semantics."</p>
      <p>"So does Mel Gibson!" DL remarked. "How 'bout some R-E-S-P-E-C-T?"</p>
      <p>"Can we stop acting like children?" Nick groaned. "This isn't a classroom."</p>
      <p>"No, but there IS going to be a lesson!" A voice called out.</p>
      <p>Everyone turned their heads to see this newcomer who approached the table and Zim and Dib gasped at the same time.</p>
      <p>"TAK?!"</p>
      <p>"Hello Zim." Tak said coolly. "Hello Dib." She added. "Gaz…Nick…ah, who is THIS?"</p>
      <p>DL quivered slightly as Tak patted him on the head. "Such a nice face." She crooned.</p>
      <p>"Two things. One: if you throw another knife at my face, I'll make you eat soap. Two, don't creep him out, Tak." Nick requested.</p>
      <p>"She's TAK. Asking her to not creep people out is like asking the sun not to set!" Dib remarked, folding his arms across his chest. He was angry with her…he'd honestly trusted her and…and had liked her. And she'd tricked him!</p>
      <p>"As I was saying, there WILL be a lesson." Tak went on, taking a seat along with Nick and the others.</p>
      <p>"Oh, PLEASE…make a play…" Darth hissed.</p>
      <p>"If there was going to be violence at this table, it would be over by now and you'd all be dead." Tak remarked.</p>
      <p>"What are you gonna do, bore us to death with a speech about revenge?" Zim laughed.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, besides, Prince Aikka's having fried green tomatoes over at the table across from us." Tenn spoke up.</p>
      <p>"That's not Prince Aikka." Nick said.</p>
      <p>"The archer? Nice try." Tenn insisted.</p>
      <p>"It's NOT Prince Aikka."</p>
      <p>"He's got brown skin, a red ponytail and a bow and arrow with him!"</p>
      <p>"This is Arcadia." Nick remarked, shrugging.</p>
      <p>"You don't scare me, Tak. I eat pieces of shit like you for BREAKFAST." Larb bragged.</p>
      <p>"You eat pieces of s—t for breakfast?" DL sniggered.</p>
      <p>"WHY YOU…" Larb's eyes narrowed.</p>
      <p>"Watch it, band-aid-head." Nick said, frowning. "I have the power to make grown men lose control of their BOWELS." He informed Larb, pointing with a finger.</p>
      <p>"Oh REALLY?" Larb asked.</p>
      <p>"More or less." Nick grinned, snapping his fingers. SCWHOOOMP! Larb was pinned to the ground, an orange force surrounding his body. "Now will you behave?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"…s…suuuuure…" Larb gasped out.</p>
      <p>"Good!" SNAP! Larb was freed from the gravitational pull and he got back up, rubbing his head as he sat back in his seat. Nick turned to Darin. "Darin, how about you introduce us?"</p>
      <p>"Of course. Everyone, meet Nick Grey, a human and a VERY good friend and partner of mine. The fine young human prodigy with the black hair is Dib. His lovely sister Gaz is the purple-haired girl. The blond-haired human is Darth Lee…"</p>
      <p>"Call me DL." DL insisted.</p>
      <p>Darth blinked in surprise. "Interesting…" He mused out loud. "MY name is Darth as well."</p>
      <p>"What a coinky-skiddly-dinkly-dink-ee-dink, skiddly-dinkee-doo!" DL remarked.</p>
      <p>"I'm Tenn." Tenn said, nodding her head.</p>
      <p>"I am Invader Larb." Larb proclaimed.</p>
      <p>"Uh, I'm Skoodge." Skoodge said nervously. "Hi."</p>
      <p>"And I'm Tak." Tak said, looking at DL. "Since little DL'S never seen me before. Oh, wait, he doesn't SEE anything!"</p>
      <p>Darth frowned angrily, turning his head in her direction. "Your compassion is heartwarming, Tak." He snapped.</p>
      <p>"That's a LOW blow." Nick commented, frowning.</p>
      <p>"I'd just like to finish eating my fried snaggletoothed skidoosk." Zim muttered, glaring at Tak.</p>
      <p>"You don't change much, do you, Tak?" Skoodge asked.</p>
      <p>"You KNOW her?" Darth inquired.</p>
      <p>"Yes. She may be a successful Irken soldier with a battle drill victory record longer than the ice rings of Tithrin, but there was a time…" Skoodge added, eyes widening as he held his gloved claws up. "When her name was "Accident Pants"." He remarked. He grinned at her. "Remember that?" He asked her as she glared in a stony fashion at him. "Remember that?"</p>
      <p>"I remember somebody BEGGING me to help them off the floor EIGHT TIMES because they were too fat to <strong>get up</strong> after a training drill. Remember THAT? Remember <strong>THAT</strong>?" Tak snarkily remarked, shutting Skoodge up. "Moving along…I'm entering this contest and I WILL win. In a few days, the only thing you and the other Invaders will be eating is a big, heaping helping of humble pie!" Tak bragged.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, ooh, will it have ice cream and whipped cream and a PIGGY on top?" GIR asked.</p>
      <p>"…you know, I'm not even gonna feel good about MIMI beating THAT one into the ground." Tak said, jabbing her thumb at GIR as she glanced at Darin.</p>
      <p>"The food here looks DELICIOUS." Nick remarked happily, grinning. "It's so much better than the food we have back at the school…too many bad memories." He admitted, waving his hand in the air. "I had to kill my lunch three days ago."</p>
      <p>"You mean you HUNT and KILL your own meat for foodening? Like, TMIIII." Tenn's SIR unit remarked, rolling her eyes.</p>
      <p>"No, I mean my food attacked me in the cafeteria and I had to beat it to death with a napkin dispenser." Nick remarked stonily.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Cricket's chirping</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Darin nervously bit his lip and drawled. "…riiiiiiiight. Anyhow, the Amplifier Amphitheatre will be hosting hundreds of Irkens and my fellow Arcadians. And, in fact, I want to go over a few rules with you." Darin told him. He noticed the look the Irkens were giving them. "Yes, RULES. We Arcadians have cleared it with the Tallest…it's OUR planet, OUR coliseum, OUR rules. You are NOT to fiddle around with the opposition outside of the fight. No cheating!" Darin said, frowning. "No blackmail or bribery or anything like that when the competition isn't in full swing!"</p>
      <p>"And if we DON'T adhere to your strict rules?" Gaz asked.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, f—k the police comin' straight from the underground!" VENT spoke up, making Skoodge blush nervously.</p>
      <p>"Like, whatever! TOTALLY more than I wanted to knooooow!" Tenn's SIR unit agreed.</p>
      <p>Darin gave her a cold look. "Do I look frightening at all to you?" He asked them.</p>
      <p>They all shook their heads, even DL and Darth…well, all but Nick, who knew better.</p>
      <p>"You don't SOUND dangerous." Darth remarked.</p>
      <p>"Hmm. You look even younger than that girl and her brother. So I'm glad you can't see what I'm about to show the others. You, on the other hand…" He looked over at Felix. "You might want to look away." He tossed a bunch of photos onto the table. "Arcadians pride ourselves on sticking to rules and regulations. We have codes of conduct we don't violate. PERIOD. A few months ago one idiot broke one of our biggest rules and attempted to rig a casino machine so that he could collect a massive jackpot. His error was in thinking he could get away with it…"</p>
      <p>Darin placed his fingers together, spreading them out, eyes glinting behind his glasses as those at the table looked at the blown-up photos. Gaz raised an eyebrow, a bit unnerved. Skoodge puked on the ground while Zim frowned at the sight and looked a bit ill. Larb frowned up at Darin while Tenn gasped in shock and Dib gaped in horror. GIR covered his eyes, quivering while the other SIR units remained unmoved. Tak blinked a few times, looking slightly bothered by what she was seeing and Nick looked absolutely horrified, like he was going to cry as he held his hand over his mouth. The photos were…they were just…</p>
      <p>"What I'd like you all to note is the MANNER of his death, the time that was taken to kill him, the PIECES of his body I personally removed before at last he succumbed." Darin spoke coldly. "And HE was a fellow Arcadian. He had powers like I do."</p>
      <p>"What sort…of powers?" Skoodge asked.</p>
      <p>"I'm a TECHNOPATH. I talk to machines and manipulate metal." He snapped his fingers and all of the silverware on the table hovered in the air…along with the SIR units. GIR whooped slightly as he went around and around. Darin continued. "Know this: I can do things that will make you be afraid of SALAD FORKS. And I'm not the only one who's going to be keeping an eye on you. The other competitors are getting this same speech…you'll not cheat in this competition. Understand?"</p>
      <p>They all nodded as their SIR units and silverware came back down into place. "Good." Darin said cheerfully. "Enjoy your meal."</p>
      <p>He sat up and walked away. Skoodge put a piece of fried snaggletoothed skidoosk into his mouth and then spat it out. "It tastes like corpses." He mumbled.</p>
      <p>They all decided to just have some drinks instead. Dib excused himself, saying he needed to go to the bathroom. Since DL needed to as well, he brought him along, and they headed towards a hallway that had a sign reading "Restroom" at the top.</p>
      <p>After going past a bathroom for trogs, banganoids, octopus-like beings, strange blobs and a dozen other odd-bodied aliens, Dib finally found one that resembled HUMANS and they headed inside. But after doing their business, DL spoke up.</p>
      <p>"Can you believe he talks the talk to MACHINES?" DL said.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, who knew aliens could have such powers like that?" Dib remarked, washing his hands after helping DL, who was now drying off with a towel Dib had handed him.</p>
      <p>"I'm the total opposite of him, I guess." DL said, shrugging.</p>
      <p>"Why?" Dib asked. "You're completely pacifistic?"</p>
      <p>"No, not like that. I mean in terms of power! The two of us are miles away from ordinary!" DL said.</p>
      <p>"Huh?" Dib looked confused.</p>
      <p>"Let me tell you what's REALLY priceless…the kind of ability I have. My dad had one too. His was different than mine, but…he still had a power." DL said.</p>
      <p>"…what…" Dib approached DL, an intrigued look in his eyes. "What IS your power?"</p>
      <p>"Well, whenever I was bored and there were no animals around to talk to…which happened a lot, since they'd run off to do whatever…I'd talk to the plants! And they'd talk back!" DL said. "It REALLY came in handy when I went blind…I found I was able to see by seeing through the plants around me, I got the good life at a great price, guaranteed!" He grinned.</p>
      <p>"You…you're a chlorokinetic!" Dib realized. "You can manipulate and control the growth and movements of plants…that's amazing!"</p>
      <p>"Yep! Us wonders tend to be brought together one way or another." DL said. "I thought that only humans could be wonders, but I guess I was wrong…"</p>
      <p>Dib led him out of the bathroom. "Wonders?"</p>
      <p>"People with abilities! Wonders of the Modern World! And to think, the table we're sitting at's FILLED with them!"</p>
      <p>Dib stopped him, turning him around and squatting down to look right at him. "Wait, you mean to tell me that besides Nick and Darin, there's OTHERS?"</p>
      <p>"Yeah, one Wonder can sense another! Usually it's just a feeling, but since I'm blind, that "sixth sense" is bigger than yours. Nick, Darin, they're obviously Wonders. But so are Zim and that Skoodge person and Tak…and I think that Invader Darth is as well. And Dib? You and your sister…you're wonders too." DL added, smiling happily. "You've got POWERS. It's the real thing!"</p>
      <p>Dib blinked in surprise. His mouth was wide open.</p>
      <p>Him? SUPERPOWERS?</p>
      <p>…but that made some sense. He did seem to have some physical abilities nobody else did…endurance, dexterity…and maybe even his intelligence, perhaps THAT was his superpower, being a genius!</p>
      <p>"We'd better get back to the others." Dib said. "But DL, promise not to tell the others what you told me, okay? Pinkie swear?" He asked.</p>
      <p>"…okay!" DL said. He held up his pinky and wrapped it around Dib's.</p>
      <p>"That's my thumb."</p>
      <p>"Oh. Sorry."</p>
      <p>FWIP!</p>
      <p>"That's my pointer."</p>
      <p>FWIP!</p>
      <p>"THERE we go! Okay, one, two, three, pinky-swear!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>Darin headed down into the kitchen. "Another round of fried mozzarella sticks for table four!" He ordered, holding up a little piece of paper with the order for the table listed on it. "And another round of drinks too."</p>
      <p>"I'll take care of it." The newest chef to the kitchen said, nodding his head. Darin held out the order and smiled.</p>
      <p>"You're…Sizz-Lorr, right? The Resisty has told me great things about your cooking, and from what the customers upstairs are saying, the rumors are true. You ARE very good." He patted the large Irken on the shoulder. "You'll be getting a raise in no time!"</p>
      <p>"Please sir, the thrill of a job well done is good enough for me." Sizz-Lorr told him simply, smiling benignly. Darin nodded, then headed back upstairs to the restaurant area as the smile then turned malevolent. "And seeing Zim TOTALED…" He crunched up the order in his large hand. "Will be QUITE the job well done." He hissed to himself, heading back to work even though his mind was already on the booby-trapped snacks he was preparing to make for the event…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>"They CAN'T be here!" Red shouted.</p>
      <p>"ESPECIALLY not HIM!" Purple added.</p>
      <p>Red and Purple HAD been relaxing on a couch in a lounge area at the Amplifier Amphitheatre, but now they were trying…and failing…to keep their cool as their good acquaintance Invader Darth had informed them not only of Zim and GIR's presence on the planet, but the appearance of the humans as well.</p>
      <p>"Don't worry, My Tallest." Darth said, bowing his head as his antennae twitched. "I have ways of…dealing with him." He looked up at them and smiled. "You see, if a TRAGIC accident was to occur during the competition and Zim's own SIR unit "accidentally" eliminated his master…"</p>
      <p>"Wait." Red frowned. "If you try something like that…we both saw pictures!"</p>
      <p>"NASTY ones." Purple added. "The biggest piece of this one guy was the size of a postage stamp!"</p>
      <p>"I can't interfere with Zim OUTSIDE of the competition." Darth explained. "But DURING the competition…there are no rules for that."</p>
      <p>Red smiled evilly. "I LIKE the way you think."</p>
      <p>"That's so…DEVIOUS…and CUNNING!" Purple stated.</p>
      <p>"Well, I learned a lot of it from you." Darth admitted.</p>
      <p>"Aw, STOP it!" Red said, blushing slightly as he looked upwards.</p>
      <p>"You're going to make me <strong>blush</strong>!" Purple said, doing just that as he placed his claws against his face and nervously smiled.</p>
      <p>Darth nodded at them. "I now take my leave." He said, bowing as Felix and he left the room, with Felix guiding him. As they headed out of the hallway, Darth stopped Felix and stiffened up. "I know you're there, Tak."</p>
      <p>"…so you're planning on killing Zim too?" She inquired.</p>
      <p>"Yes." Darth said simply.</p>
      <p>"…just don't get in MY way." Tak said, and although he couldn't SEE her even if he HAD sight, since she was behind him, he could picture the sneer on her face as she began to walk off.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>Lard Nar saluted his forces as they all sat inside of a large hotel on Arcadia. He paced back and forth, looking resolute. "Now here's what's going to happen." He explained, looking at them through his goggled eyes. "As we all have learned, there is a SIR unit competition taking place here. And so this means it's a golden opportunity to wipe out every single Invader AND The Almighty Tallest, who will be overseeing the event."</p>
      <p>He stopped pacing and drew himself up fully. "Thanks to Spleenk's brave volunteering, he's made his way to the Conveyer Belt Planet where, as we ALSO know, large amounts of SIR units are kept. Specifically, MALFUNCTIONING SIR units."</p>
      <p>Shloonktapooxis blinked. "Yeah, I remember you told us one Invader got sent an entire platoon of crazy SIRs that blew up her base! It was a fun movie night."</p>
      <p>"Yeah, wasn't it?" Lard Nar asked, tilting his head to the side, a small smile finding him as memory filled his eyes. He then recomposed himself and shook his head. "Anyway, uh, here is the plan."</p>
      <p>He held up a remote and pressed a button as a holo-vid screen lowered from the ceiling. "We will sneak to the main control center of the Double A which provides an anti-teleportation shield." He said, as a crude drawing…obviously Spleenk's work…showed them in ninja suits tip-toeing to a room filled with large computers. "This shield will interfere with our great plan…to have Spleenk teleport from the Storage Planet THREE PLATOONS OF CRAZY SIR UNITS!"</p>
      <p>Lard Nar grinned happily as the holo-vid screen now showed them fiddling around with the computer on one half of the screen while the other showed Spleenk bounding up and down on a big red button. "We'll drop the shields, enter the coordinates from OUR end, and Spleenk will be able to send them right into the middle of the main field where the Irkens will be…AND we'll send one platoon up to the box seats that the Tallest will be watching from. They'll all be wiped out, creating CHAOS!..."</p>
      <p>Lard Nar pressed another button, showing them all standing atop dead Irken bodies while holding the flag of the Resisty above their heads. "And the Resisty will have taken out the mightiest threats to all the galaxy! Whaddya think?"</p>
      <p>"This might actually WORK." The cloaked alien remarked, smiling underneath the hood it wore.</p>
      <p>"Yes, it's COOL." Shloonktapooxis admitted. "But how are we gonna get inside the main control place with nobody noticing?"</p>
      <p>Lard Nar blinked. Then he rubbed his chin. "Hmm. We'll need…a distraction. Something that will draw the guards from the main control room away…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>"So…this is the guy…"</p>
      <p>He was a sky-blue alien being with a slightly-diamond-shaped nose and even LIGHTER blue hair that was hanging out in scraggly locks from a red bandanna/cap that he had on his head. He wore a pink Peace necklace around his neck, red pants with a white, sleeveless t-shirt and a pair of sunglasses. He had neon green, rounded gems embedded in his hands with black bands surrounding them, and a black belt with green frequency waves bouncing up and down on said belt. His feet were dark blue and balled, and a cute little tail stuck out the end of his shorts, wiggling slightly as he looked over the picture in his four-digited paws.</p>
      <p>"Zim, huh?" He wondered. "Seems kinda small. Like a kid. Sorry little dude, but…"</p>
      <p>He stuffed the picture into his pocket and looked across the street at Zim and GIR, who were right behind Nick, Dib, Gaz and Darin the Arcadian, who was showing them into their hotel. "You're in my sights and you're not gonna last long against my gnarly skills, shoobie."</p>
      <p>
        <strong>So…the question becomes…</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>How many ruthless aliens do you need to take out one incompetent, strung-out narcissist?</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>And remember to review! :)<br/></strong>
      </p>
    </div>
  </div>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0054"><h2>54. Top of the Line, Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p></p>
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    <p></p>
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      <p>
        <strong>TOP OF THE LINE, PT.2</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Felix looked over at Darth as the two crawled their way through the ventilation systems. They were sneaking over to Zim's apartment block, to the room that he and GIR were sleeping in. Darth had decided to kill Zim when he was asleep and use poison to do so. Well, actually ACID. Acidic poison! Best of both worlds, really. He had changed his mind. Zim died NOW. Him and his stupid robot.</p>
      <p>Having reached Zim's room, Darth placed a single claw to his temple and focused. Eyes twitching momentarily, he established Zim was sleeping and dreaming about ruling over the Earth. Furthermore, he was dreaming about the size of his crown. GIR, sleeping in the bed next to him, was asleep as well and dreaming about riding atop of space bunnies, sipping Suckmunkey Slushies as he and all his other friends laughed.</p>
      <p>Ignoring this touching little moment, Darth began to silently unscrew the nails at the top of the vent, then grabbed the vent covering and slipped it inside the vent before it could fall down and alert Zim or GIR. Felix took it from him and placed it on the floor of the vent, moving forward to get a better view of the scene as Darth began to lower a tube down towards Zim's opened mouth as he began to snore.</p>
      <p>There was a small blue pack filled with acidic poison at the top of the tube. Smirking coldly as he heard Zim snore loudly, meaning his mouth was opening, Darth pressed a switch at the top of the tube and a slit opened in the tube, allowing the acid to pour down and…</p>
      <p>Unfortunately the tube had been stuffed into Darth's pocket, which he couldn't see due to him being…well, blind. It curved…and the acidic poison and poured out to the ground, pooling down to beneath the bed…</p>
      <p>Felix's eyes widened. He tapped on Darth's shoulder, the symbol for Darth to cut it off. Darth frowned and did so…</p>
      <p>Just as the floor underneath Zim's bed gave way thanks to the acid and Zim came CRASHING down right on top of Dib, who began hollering in anger.</p>
      <p>Darth groaned and slapped his face with his gloved claws. "I messed up, didn't I?"</p>
      <p>"…yeah." Felix remarked. They immediately began shuffling back through the vents.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Okay, I get that you can manipulate anything electrical or electronic with your mind, You still haven't told me how Technopathy FULLY works." Gaz commented Darin as they headed down the sidewalk, passing by several shops that read "Warhammer Warehouse", "The Final Frontier" and, one of the more cleverly named ones, "Pr0n-0-R4m4".</p>
      <p>"No, I'm not going to forget to tell you that." Darin insisted. "I trust you know something about the practical applications of eighth-dimensional quantum gravity-manipulative equations?"</p>
      <p>"No." Gaz remarked.</p>
      <p>"Good, because they've got NOTHING to do with Technopathy." Darin laughed. "Oh, we're here!"</p>
      <p>He gestured at the large area before them and smiled broadly as Gaz's face lit up. There were DOZENS of arcade machines lining up and down a black-carpeted arcade, and flashing lights and beeping, pinging noises joined together in a symphony of happy, unadulterated joy over the feeling you get from shooting the CRAP outta zombie pigs.</p>
      <p>"We have an enormous amount of money here that comes from the production of new games." Darin bragged. "There's not a single video game system in the GALAXY that we didn't have a helping hand in creating since our people have spread all over the universe." He went on.</p>
      <p>"Is that…Time Crisis?" Gaz asked, eyes widening. "Time Crisis 2? The classic?"</p>
      <p>"It is indeed."</p>
      <p>"…must…play…FPS EXCELLENCE!" Gaz howled, a dark purple aura rising around her body as she floated through the air. The wind whipped around her and everybody who got in her way was zapped, shooting through the air and hitting machines and walls, groaning as their bodies sparked. Gaz finally touched down in front of the Time Crisis 2 machine and she put in a bunch of small coins that she'd traded in for Earth money, beginning the game.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>"Alright, we have a problem." Nick admitted as Lard Nar and the Resisty Members (sans Darin) converged outside of the main control center of the Double A. The entire stadium was a large black building with a beautiful, gleaming glass dome at the very top. There were beautiful golden words spelling out the motto for Arcadia lining all across the stadium. The main power control center was a small, condo-shaped building with large windows.</p>
      <p>"What's the problem?" Lard Nar asked nervously as Nick peered into one of the windows.</p>
      <p>"There's one guard. The problem is…" Nick bit his lip. "He's got cameras set up all over. We need a way to distract him. We need…" He rubbed his chin. "…got it! A feedback to the cameras that will keep him away from his guard station that's right in front of the entrance to where the shielding for the dome is kept."</p>
      <p>"We need to call Darin up then." Lard Nar agreed. He looked down at his watchie-talkie and spoke it into it. "Brave Eagle to Foxtrot Romeo. Brave Eagle to Foxtrot Romeo…do you read me?"</p>
      <p>"…I told you, call me "Gizmo". Foxtrot Romeo sounds really gay." Darin responded.</p>
      <p>"Fine…Brave Eagle to GIZMO. Do you read me?!" Lard Nar snapped, eyes narrowing behind his goggles.</p>
      <p>"Loud and clear. What do you need?"</p>
      <p>"We're gonna need to set up a camera feed to playback on the security cameras at the main control room at the Double A."</p>
      <p>"Hmmmmmm." Darin sounded deep in thought. "…alright. I'll be right over."</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Yaaaaawn…"</p>
      <p>A round-haired (Think Uhura from Star Trek) young man with a freckled face leaned back in his black chair, looking over the security cameras. He blew out a large purple bubble made of bubble gum from his mouth and he looked up at the tiled dark blue ceiling of the main control room.</p>
      <p>"1 4m $0 b0r3P." He announced. "Booooooored!"</p>
      <p>He then got an idea and reached over to his can of "Diet Croak". Taking a long swig, he then proceeded to belch out different pitches of the word "Bored".</p>
      <p>Deciding that it wouldn't hurt to turn the TV to something interesting, like "Romulans Gone Wild". He turned the TV on and flicked the channel to something new.</p>
      <p>"Coming up next: Lympho Librarians and the Hot Nerds that Turn Them On."</p>
      <p>CLICK!</p>
      <p>"And now…Cloning: New Opportunities for Three Ways!"</p>
      <p>CLICK!</p>
      <p>"The National Geographic Channel Presents: Mountains that Look Like Hooters!"</p>
      <p>CLICK!</p>
      <p>"Next on "I Shouldn't Be Alive"…trapped in the Amazon with Cannibalistic, Sexy Lesbians!"</p>
      <p>CLICK!</p>
      <p>"And now Gaming Channel's in-depth review of "Beer Effect". "It's starting to look even more attractive"…"</p>
      <p>"Good lord, what in the FRICK has this world gotten to!?" The guard remarked. "It's gotten to a point where a man needs five or six VCRS!"</p>
      <p>"But first…a message from Maidenform…"</p>
      <p>"…ooooooh…" The guard's eyes widened as he leaned in to look at the TV.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>BGM: Falling for the First Time, by Barenaked Ladies</strong>
      </p>
      <p>It was then that the camera feed changed, showing a bunch of aliens playing instruments in a big white room. A human was holding onto a microphone and tapping his foot while a Vortian played on the guitar. A red-haired humanoid was playing on the bass while a strange ice-cream-cone creature and a cloaked thing were on drums and another guitar respectively.</p>
      <p>The guard blinked in surprise as the microphone-holding brown humanoid stepped forward, closer to the view of the camera that was recording them all, and began to sing.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loooseeer!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out!<br/>I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baaaaybyyyyy!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so fly…that's probably why it</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Feels-just-like-I'm fallin' for the first time!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>The guard blinked a few times, eyes wide in surprise as the Vortian played away on the guitar, eyes closing as he jammed happily, head banging slightly.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so clean, it's really amaaaazing!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt offa me!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so sane, it's drivin' me craaazyyyyy!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>It's…so…strange…I can't believe it</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Feels-just-like-I'm fallin' for the first time!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>The guard whacked the TV sets a few times. "How in the…how's this happening?!" He remarked, frowning.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anyone perfect must be lying,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anything easy has it's cost!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anyone plain can be lovely,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anyone loved can be lost!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>What if I lost my direction,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>What if I lost my sense of time?</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>What if I nursed this infection,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Maybe the worst is behind…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>The human jumped through the air, one arm stretched out wide, and landed, clenching that hand into a fist as his eyes closed and he passionately sang out the main line.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>It feels just like I'm fallin' for the first tiiime!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Yeah it…FEELS just like I'm fallin' for the first time!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>The guard frowned and finally decided he'd had enough. He sucked atop his thumb and BLEW, and his entire body turned into a blue, hulking behemoth. He ripped the main video set out of the desk he'd been working on, but the video kept playing, much to his amazement.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers outta anything!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>The guard growled and carried the video set down the main hall to a doorway.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so thrilled to finally be failiiiing!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm so done, turn me over cuz it</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Feels just like I'm fallin' for the first time!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>He opened up the doorway with one now very-muscular hand and walked down a dimly lit hallway.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anyone plain can be lovely,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anyone loved can be lost!<br/></strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Maybe I lost my direction,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>What if our love is the cost!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>The guard headed for a doorway at the far end of the dimly lit, steel-painted hallway, mumbling Arcadian obscenities as he did so.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anyone perfect must be lying,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anything easy has it's cost!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anyone plain can be lovely,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Anyone loved can be lost!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>He kicked the door open and smiled at the sight of the large dumpster far off in the distance.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>What if I lost my direction,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>What if I lost my sense of time?</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>What if I nursed this infection,</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Maybe the worst is behind…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>As the song finished up with a rocking guitar solo courtesy of Lard Nar, the guard hurled the video set through the air and it sailed into the dumpster. Punching the air with a grin, the guard turned around and started headed back, not knowing that at that very moment the Resisty was exiting the shield room, having turned the shields off.</p>
      <p>Now the plan would go off without a hitch…it had been a stylish distraction indeed.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Well…we've got an hour or so before we arrive." Red told Purple as they headed down one of the many hallways of the Massive. "I think perhaps today would be a good time to do…" He bit his lip. "…that thing we always talked about doing."</p>
      <p>Purple's eyes went wide. "Wh…what?" His claws flew to his face. "You mean…"</p>
      <p>"Yes…figure out the smell that's coming from the fridge." Red said solemnly as they turned into the kitchen lounge. White stood by the fridge, flamethrower and goggles on his person, just in case something growled at them.</p>
      <p>"You ready?" He asked them.</p>
      <p>"Open it up." Red ordered.</p>
      <p>White nodded and with one swift motion opened up the fridge and the smell poured out through the room, rank, putrid, fouler than ten dozen spoiled Indian dishes, more disgusting than week old Chinese Food, a stench so utterly malodorous yet vaguely far-off that those within range wondered if it was possible for a refrigerator to get diarrhea.</p>
      <p>White looked through the fridge, frowning, then nodded. "All clear. Go ahead." He remarked.</p>
      <p>Red and Purple hovered forward and knelt down. "Okay, it's agreed. We don't leave this place until we find that smell's source." Red asked.</p>
      <p>"AGREED." Purple admitted. "Check that blackish thing."</p>
      <p>Red picked up a thick black slab of…something. "Is it even food?" White asked.</p>
      <p>"I think it was CHEESE at one point." Red admitted. He and Purple took a whiff. "EGH…no, no…that's not it."</p>
      <p>He put it away, then picked up a package of snacky cakes that had turned greenish/blue. They sniffed it. "…<em>ECK</em>! No, no…" They shook their heads again.</p>
      <p>"Hey, what about that thing back there?" White asked, pointing to the far back of the fridge.</p>
      <p>Red reached back and his eyes went wide as he looked at what was attached to a lemonade carton. "By IRK! Well…now we know where your pet Trog went, Pur." Red said sadly to Purple.</p>
      <p>"Squeeekuuuuuums…" Purple sobbed into White's chest. White patted him on the back in a comforting manner.</p>
      <p>"There-there…let it all out." White urged gently.</p>
      <p>Red gulped, sweat pouring down his brow, then sniffed it. "<strong>BLEAAAOOOOOUUUUGH</strong>!" He gagged, turning dark green in disgust. Then he shook his head. "No, no, THAT'S not it either…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the bounty hunter who had been sent after Zim smirked to himself as he watched Zim walk down the sidewalk, talking to GIR.</p>
      <p>"And after that, I'm going to get a fountain. A big one. And it'll spew out soda. And I'll SWIM in it."</p>
      <p>"Ooooooh."</p>
      <p>"And then I'm gonna dip my snazzy new commander's ap in it and drink from it. And then I'm gonna burp the new theme song I've been making for myself since I'm going to be the new fleet commander!" Zim added.</p>
      <p>"Can I join in?"</p>
      <p>"Yes. I will need a dance remix and you can beat-box."</p>
      <p>Frequency sniggered. "This dude's a total goofball." He then turned to the angry-looking, many-fanged, three-headed mutt that was tied up in the backseat. Holding out a glove for the dog to sniff, he nodded. "Okay, smell…smell…smelling, doggy?"</p>
      <p>"RUFF!"</p>
      <p>"Alright…now RIP 'EM GOOD!" The bounty hunter laughed, pressing the "back door open" button in his van. The door to the van opened up and the triple-headed dog came tearing out, yellow fur bristling in fury. Frequency watched…</p>
      <p>And then GAPED as his dog promptly leapt atop of Invader Dooky and began tearing his arms off. "Duuuuuuuude." He remarked, yellow eyes widening like saucers.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Okay, this time I'm gonna TOTALLY wipe out his shoobie ass." Frequency decided as he sat behind the wheel of the white van he was driving. "Nothin' fancy 'r anyhin'. Just a simple hit and squish."</p>
      <p>Zim was now crossing the street, licking a lollipop as GIR sang behind him. "Lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly-lolly-lolly-lolly, lollipop, lollipop, oh, lolly-lolly-lolly-"</p>
      <p>"GIR…stop your singing of lollipops." Zim ordered angrily, turning his head and frowning deeply.</p>
      <p>Frequency saw his chance. He gunned the engine and the van took off…</p>
      <p>Now, Zim had been walking GIR on a leash. And it was then that GIR happened to see a Mexican food store with "TAQUITOS: BUY ONE, GET TWO FREE" in the window. "TACQUITOOOOS!" He shouted, thrusting his arms out wide, eyes bugging out as he rushed towards the store, dragging Zim along the ground…</p>
      <p>Unfortunately this meant he was out of the way of Frequency, who missed him and turned his head, frowning. "Aw, MAN, that little dude is-"</p>
      <p>THUMPA-SQUISH!</p>
      <p>He gulped and he stopped the car, then looked out the window into the rear-view mirror to see a decapitated Invader Flobee.</p>
      <p>"…duuuuuuuude." Frequency groaned, banging his head on the wheel.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… Frequency grit his teeth angrily as he set up shop in the empty apartment building he was using for his NEXT attempt to kill Zim. He'd gotten a sniper rifle and was mounting the scope, having filled it up with bullets.</p>
      <p>"This time I ain't screwin' up, uh-uh!" He said to himself. "You're making me go all aggro, you pest! I'm gonna treat you to a mullering the likes of which you've never seen!"</p>
      <p>GIR was now dancing around in front of Zim, singing "I Feel Pretty" while Zim blushed nervously as Arcadians left and right looked at him.</p>
      <p>"I feel pwetty! Oh so pwetty! I feel pwetty and witty and gaaaaay! And I pity…and piiiiiggy who ain't me todaaaay!"</p>
      <p>"Uh…we're <strong>normal</strong>!" Zim shouted nervously. "Just a normal Irken and his SIR unit! Really! Honest!"</p>
      <p>Frequency adjusted the sight on the scope and aimed. The building right in front of Zim had a large billboard at the top. With a couple of good shots, he'd collapse the heavy, metal billboard right on top of Zim and squish him.</p>
      <p>He aimed and shot. One…two…three…</p>
      <p>FOUR!</p>
      <p>The billboard fell down, but GIR had run across the street to give a hug to Gaz, who had just come out of the arcade. Zim chased after him…</p>
      <p>And Invader Skutch, who had been walking behind Zim and GIR, was squished beneath the billboard instead.</p>
      <p>"Oh GOD!" Frequency screamed, covering his mouth with his paws, dropping the sniper rifle and pressing himself against the wall, eyes bugging out again.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… Nick and Dib were walking down the sidewalk as hover cars zoomed overhead and several electro-scooters and other vehicles passed by on the streets. Nick led him into a park, continuing his explanation.</p>
      <p>"Okay, I get aura now…but where does elemental magic come from?" Dib inquired, raising an eyebrow.</p>
      <p>"You see Dib, the elements are a source of magic that originaes from the Earth and spread to other planets…if at all." He spread his arms out wide to demonstrate as they headed past a flowery, grassy knoll. "There's Fire, Water, Wind, Earth, Lightning, Metal, Ice, Poison, Light and Darkness, as well as Time and Gravity, two forces that are almost "non-elemental"." Nick added, closing his eyes and smiling as he counted them all off. "I suspect Gaz has a link to Poison because of her nasty aura, your DAD has ELECTRICITY, and you and Zim have links to power as well…"</p>
      <p>Dib stopped stock still. The possibilities were suddenly unfurling before him like a thousand flags all forming a large sea of colors. It was as if somebody had poured Gatorade all over him, a chill…but a GOOD kind of chill…was going through his body.</p>
      <p>"<strong>ME</strong>?!" He gasped out, his hair sticking up for a moment. He went to Nick's side, eyes wide with joy. "I could have powers? Like YOU?" He asked eagerly.</p>
      <p>Nick placed one hand on the side of Dib's arm and stretched the other arm out as if saying the sky was the limit. "Yes!"</p>
      <p>"You know…" Dib put his hands on his hips, one eyebrow raised. "I've only seen you glow and fly."</p>
      <p>"You wanna see <em>more</em> of my powers?" Nick asked, raising a finger up.</p>
      <p>"WOULD I?" Dib asked happily, his eyes behind his glasses going all sparkly and "Anime style".</p>
      <p>Nick took a deep breath, going in, then out, then he began to sing.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Lately I'm alright…and lately I'm not scared<br/>I've figured ouuuut… that what you do to me feels like I'm floating on aaaair!<br/>I don't need to know right now …all I know is I belieeeeve!<br/>In the very thing that got us here…and now I can't leave!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Nick held one hand up and he began to glow, rising up slightly in the air.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Say! Anything! But saaay what you MEAN…cause I'm caught in suspension!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Dib watched it all in awe. No matter how many times he saw it, there was something amazing about all of this…</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Now…I'm wanting this for sure and I'll beg for nothing more!<br/>I'll plan all day and drive all night, you'll love what's in store!<br/>I can't seem to stop this now…even if it's not so clear!<br/>And I'll take what I can get….if you want me here!<br/></strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Nick then rose slightly higher as swirling orbs of different colors circled around his body, one hand clenched into a fist that he raised up to his mouth as if holding an imaginary microphone while the other hand reached up as if to catch a falling star.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Say! Anything! But saaay what you MEAN…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>When you whisper you want this, your eyes tell the same!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>He then spread his arms wide, laughing happily as the aura around him blazed more brightly than before, the rainbow light bristling like a large spotlight.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Pick…ing-up speed, I can barely breathe…<br/>Cause I'm caught in suspension!<br/></strong>
        </em>
        <br/>
        <em>
          <strong>It's enough for me to get excited,<br/>It's enough for me to feel...woaaah-oooh! Oooohhhhhh!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Nick rose up higher into the air, the clouds above them parting as he spread his arms up into the air, clenching them into fists as pillars of multicolored flames shot up from the ground around him and Dib.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Say! Anything! But saaay what you MEAN…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>When you whisper you want this… your-eyes-tell-the-same!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Now Nick raced around Dib, his body sparkling as stars swirled around him, a laughing expression on his face as he went around and around, faster and faster with the speed of a bird soaring up into the sky.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Pick!-Ing-Up-Speed! (Suspension)<br/>I can barely breathe! (Oh, please say what you mean)<br/>I'm caught in suspension! (suspension)<br/>I'm caught in suspension!</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>Now he spread his hands out wide, smiling broadly as the sun lowered itself behind him for a few moments and swirling rainbows of color shot out from the heavens and the Earth, connecting at a single point…him…as a circular aura of light surrounded him, sparkling stars rushing up into the sky above as flowers popped up from right below him as he rose up higher and higher and higher like a tower that was going to reach the very heavens.</p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>Say! Anything! But saaay what you MEAN…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>
          <strong>I'm caught in suspension…</strong>
        </em>
      </p>
      <p>He took in a deep breath, and then exhaled as his watch stopped playing the music he was singing to, and he slowly descended to the ground, landing on first his right, then his left foot. His eyes opened and he smiled at Dib.</p>
      <p>"What did you think?"</p>
      <p>"That was…AMAZING!" Dib gasped. "I…I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes!"</p>
      <p>"Believing is seeing." Nick insisted. "I've learned something Dib…you don't need proof of something when you have faith. Like the faith I have in you becoming a great paranormal investigator…the faith I have that Gaz will one day open up to you…the faith that Zim will one day stop trying to take over the world and will become your friend."</p>
      <p>He grinned broadly. "Now we've got about fifteen minutes before the games begin…how about I FLY you to Gaz and the others?"</p>
      <p>And so, soon, it came time for everyone involved in the SIR competition to arrive at the stadium. Standing in a high-up announcer's platform that hovered around, Michael White grinned as he waved at the huge crowd, who all cheered and roared happily. "Welcome one and all…to the first ever SIR competition…"Top of the Line"!" He announced, a mini-microphone hooked up to his collar. "The Amplifier Amphitheatre would like me to remind everyone of a few things before we get started. Since they're paying me by the word, I'm going to be as elaborative in explaining as possible. Nobody's supposed to screw around with the opposition outside of these fights and games that are about to begin. There will be no targeting of the crowd of any kind, and above all, no outside food! This goes for all of you spectators as well!"</p>
      <p>A bunch of people frowned, then a large amount of food was tossed out of pockets and onto the ground below.</p>
      <p>"Good. Now…allow me to introduce the leaders of the race who so…" He grinned. "HUMBLY requested to allow this great planet to host their games! Almighty Tallests Red…and…Purple!" White spread his arms out to gesture as Tallest Red and Purple hovered in using their belts and waved at the crowd, who went wild as smoke machines attached to the bottom of their "skirts" made them look like they were rising up on clouds.</p>
      <p>"What did I tell you? Smoke machines." Purple laughed.</p>
      <p>"HAAAAKKKK!" Red gagged, choking on some of the smoke.</p>
      <p>They hovered up to a large box where they could watch the game unfold from down below and then White held his hands up for silence. "Now…let me present to you the Invaders who will be taking place in this fine event!"</p>
      <p>White's announcing pad over entrance after entrance as he introduced one Irken at a time. "Larb! Tenn! Spleen! Stink! Zee! Skoodge! Tak! Zim!"</p>
      <p>Red and Purple almost vomited upon seeing Zim wasn't dead yet, but held it in as best they could.</p>
      <p>People cheered left and right as the Irkens and their SIR units entered the field.</p>
      <p>"Oh, this thang's gonna be off the HOOK, ain't it?" VENT asked his master.</p>
      <p>"Er…yes…I suppose." Skoodge agreed nervously.</p>
      <p>"I am gonna be, like, SOOOO amazing." Tenn's SIR unit remarked.</p>
      <p>"…yes, I…guess you should be?" Tenn supposed.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, hug me girlfriend!" Tenn's SIR unit laughed, hugging Tenn tightly.</p>
      <p>"Aw, why don't we do that?" GIR asked Zim.</p>
      <p>"…no GIR. No hugging." Zim remarked, frowning.</p>
      <p>"AWWWW…" GIR's face became very sad as White played some sad violin music.</p>
      <p>"WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!?" Zim howled, shaking his fists in the air.</p>
      <p>White then nodded up at Tallest Red and Purple, who stepped forward and raised their arms in the air. "People of Arcadia…we, as Tallest, are the voice of the people!" Red announced.</p>
      <p>"Because they have all the microphones." Nick sniggered as he and Dib and Gaz sat together with DL. That got a chuckle from Gaz.</p>
      <p>"And so we'd like to say that, while not as superior as us, your planet's very nice." Red remarked.</p>
      <p>"I like your nacho chips shaped like Elves." Purple added. "They're NEAT!"</p>
      <p>"But enough small talk! Now…we will begin the first part of the Top of the Line competitions games!" Red roared out to the crowd. "Firstly…" he pointed up and forward. "The Ball and Chain!"</p>
      <p>Immediately patches of the grassy ground of the Amplifier Amphitheatre opened up and large balls of steel hooked to chains shot up through the air, landing on the ground before the Irken Invaders and their SIRs.</p>
      <p>"The rules are simple!" Purple announced as tiny little markers popped up in the grass. "Your SIR unit shall take ahold of the chain, twirl the ball around and let it fly! The one that goes the farthest wins!"</p>
      <p>"Make me proud, GIR…THIS IS YOUR FINEST MOMENT!" Zim exclaimed, pointing upward with a claw.</p>
      <p>"Yes SIR!" GIR agreed, saluting.</p>
      <p>One by one the SIR units approached the ball and chains. Tenn's SIR unit was first, and she launched hers through the air. Sadly, she didn't make it go too far. Larb's did a SLIGHTLY better job, and Skoodge's SIR unit got lucky and made the thing FLY through the air, which made Skoodge blush in pride. Zee did fairly well, along with Tak, and soon it was GIR'S turn.</p>
      <p>He spat into his hands, rubbed them together, then picked up the ball and chain. He swirled it around and around and around…</p>
      <p>And unfortunately began spiraling left and right, knocking Stink and Spleen's SIR units into a million pieces before throwing it through the air and tying with Larb.</p>
      <p>Red and Purple gaped. So did the others. Slowly the pieces of SIR unit fell down to the grass as Stink and Spleen began to get teary-eyed.</p>
      <p>"…did you just see what I just saw, Pur?" Red whispered to Purple.</p>
      <p>"How does this keep HAPPENING?!" Purple asked. "HOW?!"</p>
      <p>"Thanks for convincing the guard to let me bring in this…SHRUBBERY." DL told Dib.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Dramatic music sting</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"Otherwise I wouldn't be able to see what's hip-hop-happenin'!"</p>
      <p>"Don't thank me, it was Gaz's idea, that's how we beat him up to the idea." Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>"So youse made him an offer he couldn't refuse?" DL asked eagerly.</p>
      <p>Dib shook his head. "No, I asked if you could bring the SHRUBBERY-"</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: Dramatic music sting</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"-In and GAZ did the actual beating-up." He remarked.</p>
      <p>"Uh…well…since Stink and Spleen's SIRs are disqualified…" White remarked, shrugging. "Then we'll move onto the next event! Which is?" He turned up to the Tallest.</p>
      <p>"Ha-ha-ha…" Red and Purple grinned evilly. "The infamous Vosh Ni Viyold!" They proclaimed, stretching their arms wide.</p>
      <p>"<strong>OH!</strong>" Everyone drew in a breath.</p>
      <p><em>"Good God!"</em> Nick shouted.</p>
      <p>"What's that?" Dib asked, looking confused.</p>
      <p>"The Vosh Ni Viyold is a survival dance." Nick whispered. "It's an old, old dance from the farthest reaches of the galaxy. They use long KNIVES and you have to dance in between the knives as they move around!"</p>
      <p>Gaz's eyes went wide. "COOL."</p>
      <p>"Scary!" DL gulped, biting his lip.</p>
      <p>"Ladies and Gentlemen of all ages, the next challenge is going to be the Vosh Ni Viyold! That challenge creeps ME out, and I'M an albino!" White told the crowd, which got a bit of a nervous laugh.</p>
      <p>"Let's all wish Zim luck." Nick said, nodding his head.</p>
      <p>"<em>Choke, choke, choke, choke!"</em> Dib thought to himself.</p>
      <p>Sizz-Lorr, grinning happily, appeared from a passageway as he went out onto the field, a box filled with snacks around his neck as he made his way towards the Invaders. "Snacky Cakes! Get your Snacky Cakes here!" He laughed, wearing a fake moustache on his face. "We got Strawberry, Chocolate, Vanilla, Raspberry, Blurpleberry-"</p>
      <p>"BLURPLEBERRY?" Zim's head turned to the side as Skoodge's SIR unit VENT approached White and Darin and several other Arcadians. "Ooh, give to ZIIIIM!" Zim demanded, jumping on top of Sizz-Lorr and grabbing up all the Blurpleberry Snacky Cakes, stuffing them into his mouth. Amazingly, he didn't notice that Sizz-Lorr was RIGHT THERE…the moustache did wonders for disguising the huge Irken.</p>
      <p>"Ah, no, you were supposed to eat the-" Sizz-Lorr began.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, Raspberry!" Zee laughed happily, grabbing a few up and chewing them, with Larb joining in.</p>
      <p>BOOOM!</p>
      <p>She blinked as smoke poured out of her mouth. She let out a long gasp, then fall backwards, twitching slightly. Her SIR unit blinked a few times in shock. Larb fell to the ground, smoke pouring out of HIS mouth as well.</p>
      <p>"Aw, foo." Sizz-Lorr growled, backing away slightly before running back to the passageway he'd come form. "I'll just get my really big spatula and SQUISH him!"</p>
      <p>Now Tenn's SIR unit was was facing three Arcadians and White. They had long knives in each hand, one per hand, and the other end of the long knives was held by another person. They slammed the knives on the ground, digging into the grass before moving them left and right in a deadly rhythm. Tenn's SIR unit twirled and jumped around, going "Uh-huh…that's right…here I go" as she did so, laughing happily. But then the next part of the dance came and two of the Arcadians raised the knives up into the air, and she also had to duck strategically, all the while dancing around. At last she twirled around and slid atop a knife, jumping through the air and landing with a flourish.</p>
      <p>"Stylish!" Red admitted.</p>
      <p>Only GIR was left. Tak had gone after Skoodge and MIMI had done VERY well. GIR took a deep breath, then grinned happily as he stood in the center of the knife-dance area. They had formed an "X" shape and were now slamming all around.</p>
      <p>GIR grinned happily and waved his hands in the air as he danced around in a circle, dodging the spiraling knives, then he leapt to the center and stepped left, right, left, right as the knives circled around HIM. He continued to dance around, hands on hips as he leapt up and twirled, grinning broadly.</p>
      <p>"Ha-HA! I taught him that!" Zim told them all as they raised the knives up and GIR ducked and twirled around on his head before jumping up and then cartwheeling over the knives, landing on his hands before leaping high up and landing with a dramatic pose, holding one hand up, the other on his hip as he grinned broadly. With an "HOOYAH" he grinned.</p>
      <p>"That was actually…pretty entertaining." Purple admitted.</p>
      <p>"I think that little guy's not so bad." Red agreed, nodding his head sagely.</p>
      <p>It was at that moment that the several people put their plan into action. Lard Nar looked down at his watchie-talkie. "Brave Eagle to Mighty Shiva, Brave Eagle to Mighty Shiva…the lobsters are in the pot! Go for it!"</p>
      <p>"…huh?" Spleenk asked, blinking stupidly.</p>
      <p>"Send the crazy SIR units!" Lard Nar snapped.</p>
      <p>"ZIIIIIIM!"</p>
      <p>Zim turned his head and "eeped" at the sight of Sizz-Lorr standing there in the passageway to the far end of the stadium, huge spatula in hand. "I'VE COME FOR YOU, ZIM! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF SUBTLETY!"</p>
      <p>"Oh crap." Nick realized. "Sizz-Lorr's here?!"</p>
      <p>"MIMI!" Tak whistled and right before their eyes, MIMI began to transform, her claw-hand growing bigger along with the rest of her form…muscles bulged out from what had once been thin "arms" and her eyes became horrid slits as a dark black paintjob began to pour out from her eyes, covering her body. Jetpack wings stretched out from her back and she let out a howl, rising up into the air. "HA-HA-HA-HA!" Tak laughed. "Get him, my precious!"</p>
      <p>POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP-POP!</p>
      <p>The sound of rappid popping suddenly stopped everyone from moving as they saw packages appear in the sky…and the packages were ripped open from within a moment later and tons of crazed SIR units fell down towards the field, crowd and Tallest's box below. White gaped and dived out of his announcer's hover platform just in time to avoid being smushed by a SIR unit laughing evilly. "They're EVERYWHERE!" He yelled.</p>
      <p>"AAA! WE WERE BETRAYED! RUN!" Purple screamed, grabbing Red and hovering out of the platform as the SIR units covered them and began biting.</p>
      <p>"I KNEW you Arcadians would try something fishy!" Red snarled, activating a button on his belt. The Massive's computers got the signal and an alarm blared through the hallways of the ship. Immediately a large platoon of soldiers and guards raced to the teleporter bay, zooming down to the stadium.</p>
      <p>It became a MADHOUSE.</p>
      <p>"99 Red Balloons…floating in the summer sky!" Nick sang out, spinning around and thrusting both palms forward. 99 large fireballs appeared around him and shot out, obliterating a group of missiles that one SIR unit had launched at him and blowing the SIR into a blazing hulk of scrap metal.</p>
      <p>Gaz calmly punched one SIR unit away and walked calmly down to the bathroom, sipping on a soda while Dib had somehow ripped his chair from off it's hinges and was bashing an Irken soldier over the head over and over while Red and Purple hovered around and Nick desperately glanced around, trying to find Zim…</p>
      <p>Poor Zim was being attacked by Sizz-Lorr, who kept trying to squish him with his large mechanical spatula and laughing all the while. "I'm gonna make you into a PANCAKE, Zim, and then serve your organs as a special at the diner!"</p>
      <p>"Not my organs!" Zim screeched, diving out of the way. "Not my DELICIOUS organs!"</p>
      <p>"I can't believe they're involving CIVILIANS! Irkens are SCUM!" Dib snarled as he kicked an Irken guard in the stomach, making him go down hard. It helped that so many of the soldiers were smaller than him.</p>
      <p>"This is ARCADIA." Darin snapped, thrusting one hand up and exposing his palm to the sky. Metal pipes shot out from the walls and wrapped around a large cluster of soldiers, crushing them and keeping them in place. "There's no such THING as a "civilian"!"</p>
      <p>Indeed, the many different Arcadians in the crowd were going crazy. One Arcadian had ripped off his shirt and was crushing SIR units in his bare hands, muscules popping over his body. Another one, a girl, took off her contacts and placed glasses on instead, which amplified the laser blasts she shot out at the Irken soldiers, knocking them left and right. A "SNIKT" sound revealed three claws had shot out from one guy's hand and he was slicing SIR units left and right.</p>
      <p>Skoodge and Tenn and their SIR units were trying in vain to keep Tak from hurting Zim, but unfortunately Skoodge and Tenn weren't as fast as Tak, who kept diving and ducking around, dodging their attacks, and their SIR units were getting blasted at by MIMI, who was firing at them from the sky, soaring left and right and sneering down at them. "Inferior little pests." MIMI laughed. "I've gotten more upgrades in ten days than you'll get in ten CENTURIES!"</p>
      <p>"You shouldn't interfere! I'm doing us all a favor!" Tak insisted.</p>
      <p>"I won't let you kill my friend!" Skoodge yelled.</p>
      <p>"He's treated you like DOOKY all his life!"</p>
      <p>"I've known him since we were smeets, I will defend him to my last breath!"</p>
      <p>Tak's eyes narrowed and she spoke softly, dangerous. "How touching…but it looks like I'm going to get the chance to put that to the TEST!" She pulled a knife from her belt-</p>
      <p>Oh NO she di-in't!</p>
      <p>"YOU'RE <strong>MINE</strong>, PSYCHO BITCH!" Nick yelled, hands held above head in a Karate-esque stance as his fist met the side of Tak's head, knocking her to the ground. Seeing that he was taking care of Tak, Tenn and Skoode quickly rushed through the crowd to find Lard Nar and get them off of Arcadia and fast.</p>
      <p>Nick pointed down at Tak. "I can't hit a lady or a girl, but ANY hero's entitled to one act of VIGILANTE behavior…so I can kill you." His eyes narrowed. "Right…FRACKING…NOW."</p>
      <p>Tak spat on the ground, a haggard look on her face. "You'll kill me?" She asked, pain racking her body from the harsh kick. "When I can't fight back? Well…THIS is interesting."</p>
      <p>She then grinned and cupped her claws, almost begging. "Well go ahead, monkey. What's stopping you?" She asked. "What's stopping you? You've got every reason to hate me." She insisted as Nick picked her up by the neck, eyes narrowed, wrinkles under his eyes as his brow was furrowed. "Go on. After all, I HURT you. I made Zim think I actually liked him and broke Dib's trust. I threatened Earth, I tried to kill Zim, tried to kill Dib and his sister, AND I'm an Irken, an "enemy" of your planet. Kill me and I'll <strong>never</strong> bother you again."</p>
      <p>She then smirked and spread her arms out. "But you WON'T kill me. Or anyone else for that matter. <strong>EVER</strong>. I know your type…you're a fool. A loving, innocent, "Everyone can get along" kind of fool who thinks that I'm flawed and in need of saving. You don't want to kill me. You want to save me and try and make me get along with your "charges"." She said in a smug, knowing tone. "You'd not EVER take a sentient life because you think all life has value. Your innocent <em><strong>love</strong></em> keeps you from killing me. You won't do it." She insisted, looking into Nick's eyes.</p>
      <p>Nick's eyes were slits. White slits.</p>
      <p>"You won't…" Tak blinked, hesitating. Suddenly she realized that this was a different kind of Nick she was looking at. This was not a kind and loving god. This was a wrathful god. One who'd run out of patience for her. "Do it?" She finished, tears brimming in her eyes.</p>
      <p>"I want you to remember how I could have KILLED you, Tak. I want you to remember the FILTHY HUMAN who beat you…"</p>
      <p>He dropped her and walked away, turning his back to her as tears brimmed in HIS eyes, a sorrowful look on his face. "And who then spared your life." He bit his lip, then shook his head. "…I'm so SORRY, Tak…I can't save you yet. And for that…I pity you…"</p>
      <p>Tak blinked a few times, then she reached down for the knife on her belt. It felt so…heavy…why was it so heavy?</p>
      <p>Nick stopped in place. He didn't turn back.</p>
      <p>"Go on, Tak…you weren't afraid of stabbing me before when I was facing you. Are you afraid that I'll turn around? You are…"</p>
      <p>Tak bit her lip. A horrid, dark coldness was rising in her.</p>
      <p>"That's the worst thing in your mind…that I'll turn around and you'll have to look me in the eyes and watch me die and that's something you can't deal with…well GO ON, Tak!" He yelled. "C'mon, you…COWARD! Kill me! Go ahead! Kill me…and then…" He lowered his head. 'Maybe you too will become a force of good with all your hatred gone in a single stab…"</p>
      <p>Tak was absolutely silent…</p>
      <p>Unfortunately, a moment occurred that made the whole point moot because at that moment Dib was fighting with an Irken guard over a plasma gun. It shot out and sizzled Sizz-Lorr's shoulder, making him drop to the ground and giving Zim time enough to run…</p>
      <p>And it shot Nick in the chest. He looked down at the open wound, gasped…and then his body hit the ground. He lay very…very still…</p>
      <p>Sue then appeared from behind the guard and whacked him over the head. He dropped the gun and Dib gasped as Sue smiled down at him. "Hello Dib…" She said happily. She patted him on the head, then kissed his cheek. "I'll be seeing you around." She remarked, stepping back and next to a blue-furred, yellow-eyed bounty hunter who jumped hiiiigh into the air, vanishing over the stadium wall.</p>
      <p>An explosion caused by Red throwing a ticking SIR unit sent Dib flying through the air and Skoodge rushed forward, punching Tak in the cheek. She went sailing forth…</p>
      <p>The two collided and hit the ground, first Tak, then Dib…with Dib landing on top of her and their lips meeting.</p>
      <p>They blinked and Dib pulled back, looking down at her, eyes wide. She looked back at him. For the briefest of moments, both their eyes softened…</p>
      <p>Then another explosion rocked the place and they were thrown back. Everyone turned to see Gaz standing there, a large grenade launcher in her hand. Every SIR unit was blown to bits, save for the ones that had been taking place in the contest, and the last of the Irken guard had just been knocked out by DL, who clenched his fist and had a chunk of Earth whack the guard over the head.</p>
      <p>"You're RUINING…my CONCENTRATION…AT VAMPIRE PIGGY MAY CRY II!" Gaz snapped, holding up her GS2 in one hand with a new game she'd gotten from a store. "Now announce the winners and let's GO!"</p>
      <p>White gulped nervously and looked around. There were broken SIR pieces lying here and there, Irken guards and Arcadians were scattered around, brusied, battered and unconscious, though the Irken casualties were far greater, and the Tallest were clinging to each other, covered in dirt. Skoodge and Tenn were panting heavily as their SIR units stood by them and Zim stood on top of Sizz-Lorr, with GIR sitting right behind him. The Frylord was face down in the ground, his spatula dropped by his side.</p>
      <p>"I am victorious! But what ELSE could be expected of ZIIIIM?" Zim laughed. "How do you like me now?! Make me commander!"</p>
      <p>The Resisty and Tak was gone and Dib was-</p>
      <p>"Nick? NICK?!" Dib screamed, shaking Nick's body.</p>
      <p>They all turned their heads to see Nick was lying very, very still…and then, a moment later, his still form vanished into nothingness.</p>
      <p>"…he…he…" Zim gaped. "He just…did he?"</p>
      <p>"N-Nick…" Darth whimpered.</p>
      <p>Silence.</p>
      <p>"…er…uh…" Red and Purple looked around. "Tenn!" They pointed at Tenn. "You're Fleet Commander and Skoodge is your underling!" They decided on the spot.</p>
      <p>"WHAT?! But what of ZIM?!" Zim cried out.</p>
      <p>"Ah, well, look at the time, gotta run!" Red and Purple said quickly, activating teleporters on their belts and taking out of the stadium.</p>
      <p>"Nooo! I want my caaaaaaap!" Zim sobbed, covering his eyes. "NOW who's gonna hear my song?!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…the journey home went off fairly well. Zim silently took the others back to Earth, sulking and thinking to himself. Tenn was now fleet commander and Skoodge was quite happy to be closer to her. Now as our protagonists soared through space, Dib raised a finger up.</p>
      <p>"Uh-"</p>
      <p>"AH!" Zim snapped, turning his head. "AH!" He repeated. Not one word.</p>
      <p>He turned back to the controls.</p>
      <p>It was then that the ship exploded in the atmosphere, and they all fell down into Zim's yard, smoking and covered in soot, but still alive.</p>
      <p>"DIIIIIB!" Zim snarled.</p>
      <p>"That one wasn't ME! Why would I blow myself up?!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>"You liiiiie!" Zim roared, jumping on him. The two began to roll around, throttling each other as Gaz dusted herself off, looked across the street to see a smirking White who quickly saw she was glaring at him. He ran for his life on the spot as GIR calmly walked inside the house, announcing he was gonna make BISCUITS and DL, sighing, walked inside to help.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, from a spaceship far away, Darth laughed madly as he and Felix stood together, hearing their ship announce that the planted explosives had done their job, and their laughter echoed through the stars…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…somewhere, far away…a pair of beautiful green eyes opened.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>What else can I say besides review?</strong>
      </p>
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<a name="section0055"><h2>55. Gaz, Taster of Pork</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>I'm just a kid, and life is a nightmare! I'm just a kid, I know that it's unfair! Nobody cares cuz I'm alone and the world is havin-more-fun-than-meeeee...toniiiiight!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>GAZ, TASTER OF PORK</strong>
      </p>
      <p>It was a great new episode of "Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery" as John, the host of the show, stood in front of a view screen with an image of a strange-looking electronic book that had the label "Spelldrives" at the top. "<strong>Spelldrives</strong>." John announced as the spelldrive opened up. "Mysterious, magical tomes for storing spells. Powered by magical power points, they were once used to cast the spells contained within. The largest collection of these ancient sources of mystical knowledge belongs to the boy with the largest head in the world…" He raised an eyebrow up. "Dib."</p>
      <p>Dib appeared on the viewscreen with a RULER next to his head and the words "STILL GROWING?" appearing next to it. For those who were wondering…no. It's not. But he WAS getting a little smarter! Now though, the show took it's viewers to footage of Dib holding up his spelldrives from a camera feed taken via satellite. Dib was holding up two while the others were scattered on the floor and looking VERY proud.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, my spelldrives are all drained of their power. But I still think they're neat!" He remarked.</p>
      <p>"That's very interesting, Dib, but can you tell us more about your head?" John inquired.</p>
      <p>Dib tried to talk faster. "As you know, each spell takes up a certain number of power points. I found-"</p>
      <p>"Your HEAD, Dib!" John asked. "YOUR HEAAAD!"</p>
      <p>Dib sighed and shut off the TV in his room, biting his lip. Well…notoriety was notoriety. It was THEN that a HUGE, spiky boot kicked in his door and Dib turned around to see Gaz!</p>
      <p>Somehow she didn't have the spiky boot on. Dib had NO idea where she kept half the stuff she used on him. Maybe her pockets…</p>
      <p>"Hey! Did you eat all the Franken Chokies?" Gaz growled, holding up a box of "Franken Chokies" and pointing at it.</p>
      <p>"You just missed it! I was on Mysterious Mysteries with my spelldrives!" Dib said happily, holding up his fists and shaking them together as he squealed with delight. Gaz shook the box of Franken Chokies and Dib went on. "Oh, I remember the <em><strong>magical </strong></em>day I found these old things. It was <strong>INCREDIBLE…</strong>"</p>
      <p>THAT DAY…</p>
      <p>Dib had been out in the street, drinkin' a Suckmunkey slushie when a garbage druck drove by, with the spelldrives falling out of the truck and landing right in front of Dib, who made an excited squeal and held one up, twirling around happily.</p>
      <p>PRESENT…</p>
      <p>"Oh!" Dib gasped, seeing that there was a flashing light on one of the spelldrives. "Hey! This drive still has two unused power points!" He realized, looking it over. "How did I miss that? Me, the obsessive compulsive Dib!"</p>
      <p>"UH." Gaz growled and took some Franken Chokie crumbs out of the box, then blew them right into Dib's face, making him begin to choke. He fell to the ground, gasping and coughing madly as Gaz, smirking, walked out of the room.</p>
      <p>Eventually Dib got back up. "What spell should-HAAAK! HAAAAAK! Should I cast?" He wondered, looking over the spelldrive and pressing a key to sort through the spells. "Hmm, no. Not enough points. Hmph, too bad. A smaller head would be cool…oh, LASER VISION…nah…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Berserker…no. Too violent. Wait…found one!" His eyes went wide. "The Sense of the Shadowhog! It uses 1 power point, eh?"</p>
      <p>Dib scrolled down in the electronic book. "It says that the point enhances the sense of-"</p>
      <p>BZZZT! Unfortunately the rest of the text on the spelldrive couldn't be read because the whole thing went into static. "Hmm. Can't read it." Dib rubbed his chin. "But it DOES sound cool. Enhance something is good! But what if it doesn't work the way I hope it does?" He thought about it for a few minutes…then grinned, pointing upwards. "I HAVE A PLAN! Since I have two points, and the spell only takes one, I can just use it twice! I'll just cast it on someone else first! Then, and only then…" He blinked. "…will…I… stop talking to myself!"</p>
      <p>"<em>Who will you use it on?"</em> White's voice announced.</p>
      <p>"I know JUST the girl." Dib thought out loud, rubbing his still slightly-sore throat.</p>
      <p><em>"Aw, but getting revenge to your sister who LOVES you would be BAD and WRONG and…</em><em><strong>PFFT</strong></em><em>…" </em>White began to laugh hysterically. <em>"</em><em><strong>HEH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!</strong></em><em>"</em></p>
      <p>Dib smirked and snuck out of his door, going into Gaz's room. She was sound asleep in pink, fuzzy pajamas that had little wings. Satisfied, Dib gently closed the door and turned to the spelldrive in his hand. "Activating spelldrive!" he whispered.</p>
      <p>He pressed the "CAST SPELL" button and lifted it up as a pink, fog-like energy began to seep out from it as he set the spelldrive down. "UUHH. The SMELL!" Dib moaned, covering his nostrils.</p>
      <p>The energy swirled around Dib's body, then formed into the face of a demonic-looking pig, who spoke in a dark voice. "Are you prepared to receive the power of the Shadowhog?"</p>
      <p>Dib shook his head. "Ugh, not me. Uh…but my sister really wants it." He announced. Well, the strange pink energy seeped under the door and Dib opened it up to see an ethereal ring of pork products were hovering over Gaz's head. One by one they were sucked into her mouth as she breathed, and then a pink breath of air in the shape of a pig's head came from her mouth, enveloping her head.</p>
      <p>Gaz woke up, coughing madly and looked around. "Who? What?" She turned her head, seeing Dib. "HEY! If there's one thing you should know by now, it's to stay OUT OF MY ROOM!" She shouted.</p>
      <p>"Do you feel different in any way?" Dib asked modestly.</p>
      <p>"GET OUT!" She snarled.</p>
      <p>"X-ray vision maybe? Super smell?"</p>
      <p>"That's IT, Dib." She growled, gritting her teeth. "<strong>SECURITYYYY!</strong>" She shrieked.</p>
      <p>All the stuffed animals in her room were NOT just for decoration. Claws, fangs and talons popped out as they chattered like satanic Christmas critters and lunged at Dib who ran for his life. Unfortunately he couldn't outrun a stuffed bird that grabbed him by the head, then flew him out the window, dumping him in the dumpster as Gaz gagged on a bad taste in her mouth.</p>
      <p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
      <p>Gaz was filling up a glass of water at the sink as Dib walked in, smelling horrible and covered in garbage, such as eggs, banana peels and coffee grounds. "You sure you're not feeling super somehow?" Dib asked.</p>
      <p>"I have a super <strong>HORRIBLE TASTE</strong> in my mouth." She snapped, promptly BURPING in his face.</p>
      <p>"Oh my, NO!" Dib howled, falling to the ground and spazzing out as Gaz headed back to her room to get dressed for the day. "Father…help meeeee!" Dib cried out as his body twitched.</p>
      <p>Well, when Gaz headed to the kitchen and saw Dib was pouring some "Count Cocofang's Cocosplodies", Gaz immediately snatched the box from him, grunted angrily, then poured her own bowl.</p>
      <p>"How are you feeling today, Gaz?" Dib tried to ask cheerfully. Gaz bit into a spoonful of the cereal only to shudder madly. Dib raised an eyebrow. "What is it? Is there some kind of extra-awareness that you are experiencing?"</p>
      <p>"This cereal tastes HORRIBLE!" She announced, pushing the bowl away.</p>
      <p>Dib looked confused and bit into his cereal. "Tastes fine to me!" He remarked, mouth half-full. Gaz grabbed the milk on the table and took a drink from it to get the taste out of her mouth…</p>
      <p>Only to spit it into Dib's face. He blinked a few times, then sipped his own cup of milk. "It's not spoiled! It's fine!" He insisted.</p>
      <p>Gaz then groaned and pulled out the "Mystery Prize" in every box of Coco Splodies: in this case a chicken leg. She bit down…then spat what she'd just eaten right back out. By now she was getting very angry, and had gone to the fridge, almost RIPPING it open and biting into an apple. Well, THAT tasted bad to, and she hurled it away. Then she grabbed a roast beef sandwich and tried eating that, then she tried a watermelon slice…</p>
      <p>"Where's dad shopping now? This is all horrible! HORRIBLE!" She screamed, poisonous purple/black flames shooting up around her for a moment.</p>
      <p>"Horrible how?" Dib asked as Gaz tasted the inside of her mouth.</p>
      <p>"Everything tastes like a pig! A PIG!" She yelled.</p>
      <p>Dib gasped in horror as he realized just what he'd DONE. "<em>The Shadowhog! What could've gone wrong? What?</em>" He wondered quietly.</p>
      <p>"Shadow-what? What did you do?" Gaz asked angrily.</p>
      <p>"I don't know what your talking about." Dib remarked as Gaz slammed the fridge shut and held some gummy bears into the air. "My haunted gummy bear collection!" He screamed.</p>
      <p>"Tell me what you did, or I'll eat them Dib! I'll eat them all!" Gaz snarled.</p>
      <p>Dib sweated nervously and bit his lip as the gummy bears moaned. Growling, Gaz bit off the head of one of them and it's moaning spirit flew into the air. "No! I only did it to give you super powers because you're the greatest sister ever!"</p>
      <p>Well, she saw through THAT load of malarkey and ate the entire handful on the spot. "AAA! STOP! Maybe I can reverse the spell!" Dib yelled, tugging his hair. He quickly held up the spelldrive, which had been left on the kitchen table, and looked through it. "…um…it appears that the only spell I can cast is the same one I used on you already! Um…uh…y'know…pig is a reaally good taste!"</p>
      <p>Gaz's eyes narrowed. "<strong>SECURITY!</strong>" Gaz shrieked.</p>
      <p>"Not the dolls NOOO!" Dib yelled as the dolls loomed behind Gaz, who growled hatefully.</p>
      <p>"I programmed them to feed on human flesh! <strong>HUMAN FLEEEESH!</strong>" She snarled as they advanced towards Dib.</p>
      <p>"But you need me! You need my knowledge of the paranormal! You can't lift this spell off on your own!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>Gaz frowned and snapped her fingers, deactivating the dolls. "Well you'd better lift it soon, or..."</p>
      <p>SNAP! The doll's eyes lit up. One of them drooled at the sight of Dib's big, meaty head and another rubbed it's stomach. Dib crawled underneath the gorilla doll she had and ran to Gaz. "All right! All right! Just don't worry. I'll cure you." He insisted. "Until then, just go about your day, okay? Just be normal!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "And that, class, is why I'm so happy today! Innit that great? Huh?" Mr. Elliot asked cheerfully. "YEAH!"</p>
      <p>"UGH!"</p>
      <p>Mr. Elliot blinked and the whole class turned to look at Gaz, who had her desk COVERED with different kinds of chewed-up food. No matter what she ate, all of it tasted the same! Pizza, a candy bar, a taco…</p>
      <p>"AAAA! NOT THE TACOS TOO!" She yelled.</p>
      <p>"Um, Gaz? You can't eat in class." Mr. Elliot announced.</p>
      <p>Gaz held up an ice cream. "HAVE to eat! Must find something that doesn't taste like pig intestine!" She announced.</p>
      <p>"Pork don't taste like chicken. It tastes like pork." DL said sympathetically.</p>
      <p>Unfortunately not even the ICE CREAM tasted any different. In a fury Gaz began throwing all the food on her desk all through the air. Zootch's chair was hit by a chocolate candy bar, Francine got the ice cream to the side of her head. DL was "doinked" by a doughnut, Olivia was struck by a pizza slice…and an entire TURKEY struck Maddy so hard she went sailing out of her desk to crash into the wall!</p>
      <p>"Curse you, Dib!" Gaz screamed, clenching her fists and standing on her desk. "Curse you!"</p>
      <p>The class all huddled in the corner, eyes wide with fear as she screamed louder and louder. "<strong>CUUUUURSE YOOOOUUUU!</strong>"</p>
      <p>CRAAAASH! The windows shattered into itty-bitty pieces that fell out and past the windows of Ms. Bitter's class. Dib gulped, then quickly looked back through his book on curses, still trying to find a cure.</p>
      <p>BRIIIIING! LUNCTIME!</p>
      <p>Dib was still leafing through his paranormal books as Gaz was being forced to watch as students ate their APPLES and their ORANGES, utterly OBLIVIOUS to her suffering! Her French fries…pork! Choco Poop? PORK! Hamburger? <strong>PORK!</strong> She spat all of them onto Dib's head, and he tried to ignore the squishy mess that was coming together as he continued to look through the book. Then…</p>
      <p>She tried a hot dog. "…hey…this tastes okay! But…" She frowned. "It's a hotdog, so that makes sense." She blinked. "A lifetime of eating nothing but hotdogs...every day, hotdogs…my whole LIFE!" She could picture herself becoming so fat that she had a triple chin, with WATERMELONS for toes and her stomach being so big she couldn't even see her own feet! She screamed madly and tackled Dib, holding up a batch of the school's mashed potatoes.</p>
      <p>"AH, NO!" Dib yelled. "No, Gaz! Those are the mashed potatoes! Get them away from my eyes! Remember what happened to Zita!" He screamed.</p>
      <p>Zita, who had a large eye plaster over one eye, sobbed and looked away as White, smirking, played "Phantom of the Opera" on the guitar he'd brought into the cafeteria.</p>
      <p>"I was only trying to help you out, Gaz!" Dib insisted.</p>
      <p>"You're HIDING something!" Gaz snapped. "WHAT IS IT?!"</p>
      <p>"Me? Hiding?" Dib asked, putting his hands on his chest. "I was only trying to do something nice for my sister!"</p>
      <p>She raised the potatoes higher. "No! Not my eyes! Think of all the food you'll never eat again if you destroy me now!"</p>
      <p>Gaz snarled and flung the potatoes away…and thus making sure Zita wouldn't be seeing ANYTHING for the rest of the week.</p>
      <p>"Ooh, you okay, Zita?"</p>
      <p>"Wow, TWO eyes in as many days?"</p>
      <p>"Hey, since you're blind and since I'M blind, how about we hang out?" DL asked happily.</p>
      <p>"You mean…like on a BLIND DATE?" Torque asked, smirking. "Yuk-yuk-yuk…"</p>
      <p>SMACK!</p>
      <p>Everyone watched as Torque Smacky tried to pull himself out of the wall of the cafeteria as a smirking White led DL and Zita away to a "nice spot for young couples".</p>
      <p>"Yuck." Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib told Gaz that he had decided to exhaust ALL options, which meant…he was going to dad.</p>
      <p>"Daaad! Gaz has been cursed and tastes pigs!" He announced as Gaz bite into a hotdog.</p>
      <p>"There are no curses, son!" Prof. Membrane announced, soaring up into the air and clenching his fists. "There must be a…"</p>
      <p>BOOOM! Electricity shot around him. <strong>"SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION!-ATION!-ATION!"</strong></p>
      <p>He then flew back down and smiled behind his large labcoat. "Come on, honey! Are you ready for some horrible tests?" He asked as a mechanical claw popped out from his basement lab's wall and picked her up by her head.</p>
      <p>"…I guess so…" She mumbled. Membrane then picked her out from the claw and put her atop his head as his hair wrapped around her. A strange warp portal then opened up, crackling with electricity, and the two sank inside as Dib pulled out his laptop, breathing a sigh of relief. "I <strong>knew </strong>I could count on Dad to not believe me." He announced, typing in his password to the Swollen Eyeballs Network.</p>
      <p>BRIIING! BRIIING!</p>
      <p>"He'll keep Gaz busy until I can find a cure. And now…I'm gonna start walking!" He announced. "…and…I…keep talking to myself, WHY do I keep talking to myself?"</p>
      <p>BEEP! Agent Tuna Ghost appeared on the screen. "Agent Mothman, why were you talking out loud to yourself just then?"</p>
      <p>"I dunno. But I do that a lot." Dib admitted, walking upstairs and out of the lab.</p>
      <p>"That's stupid." The punkish girl remarked.</p>
      <p>"Isn't it? Anyhow, Agent Tuna Ghost, I want you to do some <em><strong>research</strong></em> for me…" He remarked.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Prof. Membrane was in front of his famous laboratory, addressing the media as some scientists stood to the side, with Gaz behind his form. He cleared his throat as he stood behind the podium and then spoke. "People of the press! I have examined my daughter for hours now and have made a discovery! She suffers from a never before seen condition I have named…"Pigmouth!"!" He announced, pointing up into the air.</p>
      <p>And with that, whatever hopes Gaz had for a social life were killed on the spot. Instantly newspapers began to print out headlines like "PIG MOUTH SWEEPS THE NATION OF GAZ" and "IT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE CHICKEN" and "SOMEBODY MAKE ME A HAM SAMMICH!" and "THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT... PSYCHO!"</p>
      <p>Within the day, Gaz was stuck wearing a dorky-looking protective suit that looked just like a piggy, complete with metal snout on her face. Prof. Membrane addressed the media once more. "It has been 1 day already, and the cure for Pigmouth still eludes me!" He shouted, knocking the podium over angrily.</p>
      <p>"I have decided this enviro-suit is not enough to protect my daughter, so I have added a new wing to the Membrane Labs! The Pig Girl wing!" He proclaimed, spreading his arms wide to show off an extension to his labs that showed an electronic sign that showed off the "Pig Girl" symbol, which was essentially the head of Gaz plus a pig snout. It was right next to the sign for "Deelishus Weenie", who had a contract with Prof. Membrane. "Yes, it's co-sponsored by the Deelishus Weenie corporation!" Prof. Membrane announced.</p>
      <p>"OOOOH." The crowd remarked.</p>
      <p>Well, poor Gaz was soon strapped to a suspended table as onlookers eagerly watched scientists do tests on her with snazzy-looking electric tools…tickets were five-fifty. Indeed, she was becoming great for business for the Deelishus Weenie corporation, who were using her image to sell their hot dogs. There was even a storybook made of her… "The Little Pig Girl". It was really a touching bedtime story.</p>
      <p>And sadly, Gaz still couldn't taste anything…but PIG.</p>
      <p>Eventually "Pig Girl: The Movie" came out. Bloaty the Pizza Hog starred as Gaz. GIR and his piggy friend went to it eighteen times because a third of the profits went to help poor Gazzy!</p>
      <p>And all the while, Gaz stewed angrily in her containment tube as scientists looked over her exposed form. "You will PAY, Dib…<strong>OH, HOW YOU WILL PAAAY!</strong>" She howled.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE…</p>
      <p>Zim and GIR, in their disguises, were looking at Dib. GIR was reading "The Little Pig Girl" while Zim held back his laughter as best he could, failed for five straight minutes then composed himself. "That's a good one! Help you!? Why should I help you?"</p>
      <p>"HEY!" Dib frowned. "I helped you when we were transforming into giant bolognas!"</p>
      <p>"YOU'RE MAKING IT UP!" Zim snapped.</p>
      <p>"Zim, look, it's my sister, she's-"</p>
      <p>"Forget it, Dib!" Zim snapped. "Gnomes! Away with him!" He announced. The robotic lawn gnomes immediately surrounded him and tossed him just outside of the house's perimeter as Zim folded his arms. "I'm going to destroy you ALL, Dib! TODAY! I've got it all set up." He bragged.</p>
      <p>Dib dusted himself off, getting up. "Uh huh, that's nice, Zim. It can't be worse than what my <strong>sister's</strong> gonna do." He mumbled.</p>
      <p>Zim held up GIR. "I've loaded GIR full of explosive monkeys and I'm about to-"</p>
      <p>"That's great, Zim! Maybe you can tell me about it later. I gotta go." Dib remarked, walking off.</p>
      <p>"I got monkeys in me!" GIR laughed.</p>
      <p>"…FOOL!" Zim yelled at Dib, shaking his fist. "Begone with yoooou!" He pulled GIR into the house and shut the door. Dib, meanwhile, kept walking down the sidewalk, hands in his jacket pockets…</p>
      <p>Until he saw it. A freakish specter that looked just like Gaz…only more piggish in appearance, with large fangs and a nose to match. "I bet <strong>you</strong> taste like a pig! Just like a pig! A little piggy!" She snarled, biting down on his head…and then vanishing. Dib shuddered…</p>
      <p>He knew what he had to do. He ran off, heading for his dad's laboratories as Zim's house was lit up by an explosion inside.</p>
      <p>"…I'm okay!" Zim groaned out.</p>
      <p>"NOOO! WHYYYY?" GIR sobbed. "WHY THE MONKEEEEYS?"</p>
      <p>SOON!</p>
      <p>Dib opened up the door that led to Gaz's containment room, looking at his sister, who was inside of a pink-tinted, see-through containment chamber. Gaz was watching a TV nearby, a stool with hot dogs situated near her.</p>
      <p>Dib nervously looked around and then spoke up. "Gaz, I-"</p>
      <p>"Be quiet." She snapped. "Just look at the TV. Watch and <strong>know the evil</strong> you have brought upon me!" She growled, pointing at a TV monitor screen in front of her. It showed off a "Bloaty's Pizza Hog" commercial, with Bloaty standing behind a fake sunshine backdrop and surrounded by kids.</p>
      <p>"Heeey! Look at Bloaty!" Bloaty announced as a kid was sucked into his fat folds. "We got the new pizza comin' out on Friday! And if you like the taste of stuff, you're gonna love this pizza!"</p>
      <p>The kid popped out the OTHER side of Bloaty as the scene changed to show Bloaty in front of a scary piggy background. "This pizza don't taste like pig at all!" He remarked, eating a slice. "Bloaty!...hate…his life…"</p>
      <p>They quickly changed scenes as Bloaty began to break down on national TV. It's SAD to see a grown man cry, folks. Especially an overly obese man. It showed off directions to Bloaty's, "FIRST RIGHT OFF ROUTE 5", and the number " (555) 555-PORK" on the screen. Gaz turned her head to look at Dib angrily, glowering.</p>
      <p>"I have NEVER missed a new pizza day at Bloaty's. If this next one is ruined by your magical stupidity…" She turned angrily at Dib, getting off the chair she was on and going to the wall of the containment chamber, looking down on Dib, who nervously broke into a sweat. "I would make you wish you had rabid weasels teleported into your skull instead of having a sister!" She snarled.</p>
      <p>A bright beam of purple/pink light then appeared around Gaz as she hovered up into the air, her voice echoing darkly through the room. "I'll wait until you sleep and stuff all of your paranormal junk into your big, giant, paranormal head…"</p>
      <p>FWOOM! A ring of fire appeared around Gaz as her eyes turned blood red. <strong>"And I will chew on your eyeballs after I pluck them out-"</strong></p>
      <p>FWOOM! He ran out of there, screaming madly as Gaz calmly munched on a hot dog. She noticed White was in the corner. "Why don't YOU help me get out?"</p>
      <p>"…I dunno. I kind of think it's funny that after all the crap you put your brother through, you're finally getting some payback for years of torturing him."</p>
      <p>"I'M the victim here, not him." She snapped angrily. "I've ALWAYS been the victim!"</p>
      <p>"Boo-hoo, my life's not perfect." White remarked, making crying motions with his fists near his eyes. "Would YOU be helping DIB out if HE was the one stuck in here?"</p>
      <p>"…" Gaz shut up. White smirked. "THAT'S what I thought. You should count yourself lucky that eventually Dib will get you out and you'll be able to beat the shit out of him. Then HE'LL get mad at you and the cycle of revenge will continue all over again!" White reasoned. "Ah, it brings a tear to my eyes…"</p>
      <p>"You don't cry." Gaz pointed out. "Except that one time when your GIRLFRIEND got sent to another dimension!"</p>
      <p>"…touché, Gazeline. Touché." White muttered hatefully, leaving the room and never appearing in this chapter again.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…in a scene straight out of a famous picture, Dib was sitting in a booth with a large-bearded hobo who had a hob of corn in a paper bag. He'd been explaining everything to him, since Nick had come down with a bad case of the dead, White had laughed madly and Zim and GIR weren't going to assist.</p>
      <p>"And now she's gonna destroy my life if I can't figure out a way to lift the curse! But I don't know how! I am so DEAD!"</p>
      <p>"Yeah, I remember when I summoned a hog demon to curse my sister with Pigmouth and had to deal with having a cursed sister." The hobo remarked as Dib drank his soda through a straw. "It was awful!" He admitted, getting out of the booth. "In fact the whole ordeal turned me into a hobo!" He admitted. He tried to eat the corn, but it fell out of his bag and onto the floor. The hobo then plopped down onto the table. "Word of advice."</p>
      <p>"I don't wanna become a hobo." Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>"Oh." The hobo blinked. "Okay."</p>
      <p>BEEP! Dib's laptop beeped and his eyes widened. "The Swollen Eyeball signal!" He turned to the hobo. "That's my secret society! Don't tell anyone!" He announced to the hobo as Agent Tuna Ghost appeared on the laptop.</p>
      <p>"Agent Mothman! We've been discussing your situation. We think we can help…."</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib had returned to Gaz's room with his laptop under his arm. "Good news! I have something that can help you, maybe." He smirled. "I formed a plan using information I got from the Swollen Eyeball and a dirty hobo. But we'll have to make it out to Mystical Hill on the outskirts of town. Apparently that place is mystical."</p>
      <p>Gaz frowned. "So how do we GET there? This isolation tank doesn't exactly have a door knob." She said bitterly.</p>
      <p>Dib headed over to the buttons on the control panel of the containment chamber. "I can hack into the security system and set you free from this cage." He admitted as a compartment on the chamber opened and Dib placed his laptop on top. "But once I do, the guards will be after us."</p>
      <p>"Oh, don't worry about the guards. I know my way around this place. Just break me out of this tank…" Her eyes narrowed and turned red again. "Or I'll throw you out…"</p>
      <p>"Okay! I get the point." He shouted. He pressed a key on his laptop and the whole tank soon lifted up, allowing Gaz to come out…</p>
      <p>And she promptly beat the living <strong>tar</strong> out of him, punching, choking, stomping, kicking…</p>
      <p>Well, the two eventually left the room and headed down the hallway, only to have Gaz step on a security laser beam and get the alarms going off. Gaz tossed Dib into a circular air shaft nearby and jumped after him, and the two made their way through the vent system to the edge of Membrane Labs, which was situated over an ocean…with sharp rocks at the bottom. So jumping off was out.</p>
      <p>They shimmied down the of the wall, only to run into blue-armored Membrane guards armed with taser guns. THEN mechanical buzzsaws popped out of the vent shaft they'd just gone into, cutting off their escape route! And THEN hovering defense bots with cool blue paint jobs and missile launchers lowered down from the sky and surrounded them…</p>
      <p>And then the squid appeared.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…getting out of a smoking, totaled Delorean, Dib and Gaz exited the car, wearing beaver suits. "<strong>Woo!</strong> What an incredible and daring escape! That was amazing!"</p>
      <p>"I liked the part where the giant robot squid launched missiles at us." Gaz admitted.</p>
      <p>They could then hear the sounds of a copter's blades whirring as searchlights shone in the forest across from them. "We're only tryin' to help ya, Pig Girl!" A guard yelled. "Give yourself up! Come on, piggy!"</p>
      <p>The kids tossed their beaver suits away as Dib turned to Gaz. "Science won't help you, Gaz." He reminded her.</p>
      <p>"Well science won't replace your head after I tear it from your torso if you don't hurry!" She snapped.</p>
      <p>"Right." Dib admitted, nodding his head and pulling out a spelldrive. "I got this spelldrive from the Swollen Eyeball Network. If it works we can use it to travel to the realm of the very creature who gave you your weird pork powers!"</p>
      <p>A searchlight from above honed in on them. "There they are! Get 'em! Get e'm!"</p>
      <p>"Do it already!" Gaz snapped.</p>
      <p>"Okay! Activating spelldrive…NOW!" Dib yelled, opening it up as a blinding white light surged out from it's pages. It hovered in the air, then sucked Gaz straight in. Dib's arm was sucked in, but he pulled it out, desperately clinging to the wrecked car…only to get sucked in as well as the guards closed in on them.</p>
      <p>"We're too late! They transformed into a book! I told 'em this would happeeeen!" The head guard screamed.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Dib and Gaz had arrived in the eerie Realm of the Shadowhog, a desolate wasteland of blood red skies, black clouds, and mountain ranges that spiked up into the heavens. They noticed what they were looking for far away…a temple with statues of pigs wielding spears, and the temple's top was a giant pig face, the opening to the temple being another pig face. The best part was, the entire place was made out of pork.</p>
      <p>"Wow! Look at all that pork!" Dib gasped.</p>
      <p>"Trust me…I've seen MORE." Gaz remarked stonily.</p>
      <p>They then heard EEEERIE laughter as the ground began to shake beneath them and a dark voice seemed to chant "PORK" over and over…and then HE shot out from the ground before them, the head ham himself! A humanoid pig wrapped in a dark cloak with a mechanical helmet surrounding the top of it's neck. It allowed the top part of his head to poke out, but the region where his mouth was appeared to be a furnace grill. He spread his arms up as he addressed them in a mighty, deep tone that seemed vaguely Southern.</p>
      <p>"I am the Shadowhog!" He proclaimed, his cape flickering up like flames. "What is it that you want from me, child who conjured me…and child who was blessed with pig senseeeees?"</p>
      <p>"Um, Shadowpig... My sister doesn't want your curse anymore." Dib asked quietly.</p>
      <p>"The most bless-ed of gifts you call a curse? Yooouuu insult me! Yoouuu said your sister really-" Shadowhog frowned.</p>
      <p>"Was a special, lovely person! Yes, yes, but we're in a bit of a hurry, we're-" Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>Shadowhog leaned in to look more closely at him. "Did you conjure up Big Head Demon to give you a big head? Man, that is a really big head!"</p>
      <p>"No, I didn't! It's this way on its own! Now can you help us or not!?" Dib asked angrily.</p>
      <p>"There is the terrible trial of the Shadowhog, but it is a foolish thing to attempt to give back such a wonderful gift." Shadowhog remarked, jabbing one claw into Gaz's chest. "Even more foolish to think that you will pass the trial! Should you fail, little girl, you will suffer a fate worse than your worse nightmares!" He remarked, raising one eyebrow over his red, surging eye.</p>
      <p>"There's no fate worse than this, except for the fate of my brother if this doesn't work." Gaz said evilly.</p>
      <p>"She's <em><strong>right</strong></em>, you know." Dib admitted sheepishly.</p>
      <p>"So, you agree to undertake... the trial?" The pig demon inquired of her.</p>
      <p>"Yeah. I GUESS so." Gaz mumbled.</p>
      <p>"Then follow me into the sacred hall of the stinking piggy of stinking pigginess!" Shadowhog announced, pointing into the temple hall as the door opened up. Dib and Gaz followed after him and were lead down the hall as the scent of pork and beans filled their senses. Soon they reached a large doorway and pinkish light surged out, showing off a huge sanctum of some kind within. Gaz walked inside and Dib was about to follow, but Shadowhog stood in front of him, stopping him.</p>
      <p>"No! Only the Pig Girl may come inside. You must wait outside." He told Dib, snapping his claws as a pair of Pig Guards popped up, wearing large hats that had red faces lining all around, which reminded Dib of the shirt HE wore. They fired off soundwave-like beams that began to drag him out of the hall.</p>
      <p>"But she's helpless without my knowledge of the super natural! You can't do this!" Dib yelled.</p>
      <p>They tossed him outside of the hall as the doors began to close. "WAIT!" He yelled again. The guards frowned and tossed him back some more, then their bodies swelled up into HUGE, brutish boar-like guards that were very muscular. Dib, however, had been crippled with guilt over what he'd done and was not about to let his sister live at the mercy of a pig demon, so he tried to rush through the door…instead, he just bounced off one of their legs and they sniggered.</p>
      <p>"Let me through!" Dib demanded. "That's my little sister in there! There's no way she can stand up to that giant pig thing, no offense."</p>
      <p>"HMPH." They both grunted.</p>
      <p>Dib pointed to the side. "Hey look! There's something a pig thing would like!" He remarked.</p>
      <p>Well, they turned their heads and Dib ran past…unfortunately he didn't get far when one grabbed his head.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "Let the dreaded trial of the Shadowhog begin! Are you ready, child?" Shadowhog inquired.</p>
      <p>"Sure, why not?" Gaz said, shrugging.</p>
      <p>"Very well!" Shadowhog stated, standing to full height. "How tall am I?" He asked of her as she began to play with a yoyo.</p>
      <p>"I'm guessing about 8 feet, six inches." She guessed. He was even taller than her DAD was!</p>
      <p>Shadowhog rubbed his lack of chin. "…I guess so! Next…what is the secret code for unlimited lives in Super Kicky Fighter?"</p>
      <p>"Easy, Up up down down left right left righ start."</p>
      <p>" Really? Cool." The Shadowhog remarked. "The trial is over! Yay for you!" He announced, clapping his clawed hooves.</p>
      <p>"AAAAA!" Dib screamed as he went sliding across the ground, bruises all over his body as the pig guards beat him up.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Gaz was playing a video game with Shadowhog on a "Pigstation 64" while sititng on a pig-shaped couch and watching her character hop on top of his, squishing him.</p>
      <p>Poor Dib was now being beaten into the ground over and over. Soon an IMPRINT of him, big head and all, was left in the ground. Then the other guard picked Dib up, twirling him around and around and AROUND…</p>
      <p>"Have some ice cream." An ice cream man said, handing Gaz a cone. She took it, grateful it didn't taste like pork.</p>
      <p>BAM! Now Dib was being slammed into a pedestal…</p>
      <p>"Seeing the plumbing man go, tinker-too, tinker-too, tinker-too, cheekies slippin' thru!" Shadowhog sang as he lifted up his robes, revealing he was wearing a ballerina outfit, then promptly doing a dance.</p>
      <p>"Got…to…help…SISTER…" Dib gasped as he raced towards the temple. Unfortunately a pig guard jumped right behind him and the resulting shockwave sent him flying into a wall.</p>
      <p>And Shadowhog and Gaz were having a tea party.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, Zim's an alien but so WHAT?" Gaz remarked. "I know for a fact that he's too <strong>dumb</strong> to take over the Earth. He's totally unaware of his own shortcomings and barely ever thinks ahead more than one step, if he thinks ahead at all. Why should I have to listen to Dib's <strong>constant</strong>-"</p>
      <p>"STOOOOOPPP!" Dib's voice cried out, running inside. A guard was right behind him and he grabbed Dib by the leg, forcing him to the ground. "She's just a little girl!" Dib begged. "It's not her fault she failed your test! Look! It's <strong>me</strong> you want! I cast the spell on her because I wanted to see what it would do before trying it on myself! She doesn't deserve to suffer your punishment! I'M the selfish one, not here!"</p>
      <p>"Uh…actually, she-" Shadowhog began.</p>
      <p>Gaz smirked. "No…let's hear him out." She remarked.</p>
      <p>Dib walked up to Shadowhog and got on bended knee. He pleaded. "Mister Pig Monster, spare my sister and punish me instead! Punish me instead!"</p>
      <p>"Ummm…" Shadowhog gave Gaz a look, and she nodded. "Okaaay…" He loomed over Dib and placed a headpiece with toilet scrubbers situated all around it atop Dib's large head. "As punishment…" He told the boy, stepping back. "You must clean my filthy toilet of filthy piggy filth!" He pointed to the side. <em>"It's over </em><em><strong>there</strong></em><em>!"</em></p>
      <p>FWOOOMP! Up came an outhouse, opening up to reveal a strange, scary-looking pig-shaped toilet that was just beyond a path that was situated over a lava pit. "…that's it? THAT isn't so bad!" Dib remarked, walking into the outhouse. <em><strong>"Doo-de-doo-dee-doo-dee-doo!" </strong></em>He sang, going inside the portal and approaching the toilet. <em><strong>"It's the happy workin' song, won'tcha sing along?"</strong></em></p>
      <p>Then he actually saw what was IN there.</p>
      <p>"No! Nooo! Oooh! Naaa! Oooh! Oh!" He gasped in horror.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Gaz and Prof. Membrane were sitting in a booth at Bloaty's Pizza Hog as Gaz chomped away on some pepperoni pizza. "Sorry about imprisoning you and turning you into a <strong>media freak</strong>, honey!" Prof. Membrane apologized. "It was in the name of science and... hey…" He blinked behind his goggles. "Where's your brother?" He saked.</p>
      <p>"He's in a pig world netherworld cleaning out toilets with his head." Gaz told him.</p>
      <p>Her dad laughed, holding his chest. "Oh Gaz, you're my funny child!"</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Dib, who was still cleaning from inside the outhouse, tried desperately to hold back his vomit, and he continued to clean, the outhouse sliding into the ground. "I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>….Dib returned home late. He was COVERED in <strong>filthy piggy filth</strong> and he headed towards the stairs, aiming to take a shower and go to bed.</p>
      <p>…or he WOULD have, but Gaz was there, looking him over and grinning.</p>
      <p>"Serves you right for what you did!" She laughed.</p>
      <p>"You're STILL mad? But I cleaned the toilets! I'm sorry! I suffered enough!" Dib begged.</p>
      <p>"Suffered enough? Oh no." Gaz laughed. "You're not done until I SAY you're done. I'M the expert on revenge!" She growled evilly.</p>
      <p>A horrid, angry feeling was rising in him. He kept thinking back to all those times he had heard people say that Gaz LOVED him when she didn't act like that at all…he kept thinking back to all the times Gaz had beat him up just because she was in a bad mood or because he'd taken some food that SHE'D wanted from the fridge.</p>
      <p>"You're stupid, you're paranoid, your head is big, nobody cares about you and I think you're just a science experiment of Dad's!" Gaz laughed. "And you'll NEVER expose Zim because nobody cares about what you think because EVERYONE thinks you're crazy!" Gaz continued to go on, that smile of hers getting wider. "And you deserve it too, for all the times you've driven me-"</p>
      <p>"<strong>SHUT UP!"</strong></p>
      <p>THWOCK!</p>
      <p>Gaz hit the ground and realized that her nose was broken. She turned around and saw Dib's fist was glowing as he held it before him, pure white…like his EYES behind his goggles. "I'M SICK OF IT!" He screamed. "I try to love and care about you and I look after you when Dad's not here which is almost all the time and all you do is treat me like CRAP! Well I'm SICK OF IT! You are NOT better than me!"</p>
      <p>He grabbed her by the shirt and held her close, glaring into her eyes and making her feel an emotion she had rarely…if ever…felt in her life.</p>
      <p>FEAR.</p>
      <p>"You are going to treat me with more <strong>respect</strong> from now on!" He hissed. "GOT it, little sister?!"</p>
      <p>And with that, he tossed her away and headed up to take a shower, leaving Gaz alone, on the floor, panting in fear.</p>
      <p>It had been one toilet too many…</p>
      <p>What had she UNLEASHED?</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Well? I hope you liked it. Coming up next time...the introduction of the one...the only...MINIMOOSE! Because he's too cute to leave out of an IZ fic. REVIEW! :)</strong>
      </p>
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<a name="section0056"><h2>56. Nubs of Doom</h2></a>
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      <p>
        <em>Cute Machines, that I love! Cute Machines, I can't get enough! Cute Machines, that I love! Cute Machines, I can't get enough!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>NUBS OF DOOM!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"Who's afraid of the TICKLE MONSTER?" DL laughed happily as he nuzzled against GIR's stomach with his head. They were spending some time at Zim's house since Nick was very, VERY dead. Zim didn't mind letting DL stay over since he kept NO vegetation in the house that DL could use to see the weapons of doom he had lying around and DL spent most of his time keeping GIR occupied, which was a boon for him. "Tickle-tickle-tickle!" Darth said in a sing-song voice.</p>
      <p>"Tee-hee!" GIR giggled.</p>
      <p><strong>"Tickle-tickle!"</strong> Darth continued.</p>
      <p>GIR giggled again, covering his mouth as DL began to poke his stomach. "My mommy did this all the time!" He said, using his pointer and middle finger to poke GIR's tummy. "Pokedy-pokedy-"</p>
      <p>BRRB-BRRRP!</p>
      <p>Darth stopped. GIR giggled slightly, head quivering. Darth then frowned and poked again.</p>
      <p>BRRB-BRRRP!</p>
      <p>"…no way." He remarked, poking GIR in the stomach again.</p>
      <p>BRRB-BRRRP!</p>
      <p>Darth sighed, then raised his head. "ZIM?" He called out.</p>
      <p>"Yes, blind one?"</p>
      <p>"I know where GIR hid the keys to the Voot!"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>At the mall, girls were going ga-ga over the latest batch of clothes. "Oh my god!"</p>
      <p>"Like totally!"</p>
      <p>"So WHATEVER!"</p>
      <p>"I'd like to pink him!"</p>
      <p>"Pinkin' awesome, giiiiirlfrieeeeend!"</p>
      <p>"Hey, little missy." One trucker called out, whistling at them. "You're sure lookin' good!"</p>
      <p>"Pink YOU!" The girls all yelled, tossing their purses at him and making him reel back, falling into a fountain. Then a "SALE" sign popped up and all the girls began screaming madly, jumping up and down as they clutched each other. Running inside the store the sign had popped up in, loud banging noises could be heard. Soon the entire place was stripped…anything that hadn't been nailed down was gone.</p>
      <p>Meanwhile, Zim and GIR were near a trash can. Zim was dressed up as a clown with a big red nose, greenish hair, funny contact lenses and a polka-dotted outfit. GIR had a fake red nose too, blue hair, and a striped outfit that made him look like a watermelon. He was holding onto a batch of balloons.</p>
      <p>"Look at them, GIR. THEY think we are clowns." Zim whispered evilly as he glared at the people passing by.<strong> "But we are not clowns."</strong></p>
      <p>"OH!" GIR gasped in shock. This un-clowny truth was news to him…as usual.</p>
      <p>"The longer we stand here, the more they will trust us. Then in their docile clown-trusting state, I will destroy them." Zim remarked. He then laughed evilly, causing a family to stop and stare at him, blinking their eyes one family member at a time. Noticing that THEY noticed HIM, Zim began stomping and waved his arms in a mechanical fashion.</p>
      <p>"Clown, clown, clown, clown...clown, clown, clown, clown..." He repeated in a creepily sing-song manner…while GIR noticed a "Hot Cheese Log" vendor to the side.</p>
      <p>"I'm gonna play with the CHEEESE." GIR announced, walking off.</p>
      <p>"Yes, yes, that's nice, GIR. Clown, clown, clown, clown..." Zim remarked, continuing his strange dance.</p>
      <p>Five…four…three…two…one.</p>
      <p>CRASH!</p>
      <p>"There's a clown in the cheese!" Slab Rankle's voice snarled.</p>
      <p>Zim turned to see GIR was flopping out of the cheese cart, slathered in melted cheese and flailing around like a fish out of water. He giggled and then began walking around like a cheesy demon of some kind, making people scream and run.</p>
      <p>"NO GIR! NO! NOT <strong>AGAIN</strong>!" Zim yelled, hands going to the sides of his head.</p>
      <p>GIR then hit the floor, accidentally tripping, and the cheese began to harden, STICKING him to the floor.</p>
      <p>…and then the hot cheese cart fell over and the cheesy horror poured out like a flood, sweeping towards Zim and the other people of the mall. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Zim cried out in slow motion, shaking his head.</p>
      <p>FIVE…MINUTES…LATER…</p>
      <p>"UGH! I can't take you anywhere without you ruining my plans, GIR. This couldn't be any more humiliating." Zim hissed as he walked outside of the mall, covered in cheese and smoking, going "OW" with every other step as GIR licked some cheese off his body.</p>
      <p>BOING! A nearby garbage can, the one that he'd been performing by and that had mysteriously been following him outside exploded, revealing DIB inside, looking triumphant. "HIYA!" He cried out. "I was watching you the whole pathetic time, Zim. If the "Superior Irken Empire" is so advanced, why is your robot such a loser?"</p>
      <p>Zim pointed angrily at Dib's direction. "HEY! At least he's better than YOUR stupid sidekick!"</p>
      <p>Dib looked at exactly what Zim was pointing at…a soda can. "…that's a "Poop" can." He announced, confused.</p>
      <p>"Who's pathetic <strong>noooooow</strong>!?" Zim proclaimed, beams of dark light rising up from him in a backdrop as he held his fists up, then ran off, dragging GIR.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>… "He took the last soda! He…he…eh." Gaz sighed as she lowered her head and shook it as White sat at the table with her. "I don't care."</p>
      <p>White blinked. "…wait…<em>what</em>?"</p>
      <p>"I don't care."</p>
      <p>Not caring. About the last soda in the house.</p>
      <p>"Are you sick, Gazoline?" White asked, going to Gaz's side and putting his hand on her forehead. She didn't even knock it away. "Oh GEEZ…you've got no fever…" He frowned, concerned. "Gaz, what's wrong?" He asked gently.</p>
      <p>"I give up." She remarked. "I don't care about it anymore. The stupid stuff Dib does or ZIM does. I don't see the point. I don't even remember why I act the way I do to my brother anymore." She shrugged. "I've just lost the spark."</p>
      <p>She snapped her fingers…nothing happened. "I can't even do my fancy tricks anymore." She mumbled.</p>
      <p>"You've lost your DRIVE." White realized. "This isn't right! I'm gonna do something I've almost never done in my life…HELP OUT A LITTLE GIRL!" He told Gaz, taking her by her shoulders. "We have to get you back to your pissed-off self!"</p>
      <p>"Why? I thought Nick would LIKE a mellow me." Gaz mumbled.</p>
      <p>"No, he'd want you the way you naturally ARE. If there's anything that needs to be brought out, He would bring it out, but that's it! He doesn't force people to do anything, which I think is a <strong>bloody</strong> waste of potential." White remarked. "But I'm gonna help you because frankly, I need the entertainment and you as a mellow person is…creepy." He remarked. "Now come on."</p>
      <p>He led her over to the couch in the living room and she laid back in it. "Okay…" White said, getting in a chair and pulling it up to himself. "Let's start at the beginning." He said, sitting on the chair. "What's the EARLIEST memory you have of you interacting with your brother?"</p>
      <p>Gaz looked up at the ceiling as the whole place went into a flashback. "I believe…it was back when I was two and Dib was three…"</p>
      <p>THE PAST…</p>
      <p>Gaz had just knocked Dib's blocks over and Dib frowned as he looked down at the blocks that were scattered all around. Prof. Membrane, who's hair was a BIT longer than it was now, walked into the playroom along with his wife, Peggy Membrane. She stroked her purple hair back and her blue eyes twinkled brightly as Prof. Membrane spoke up, waving his finger. "Now, now, children. You have to get along. There's a 91.6% chance that your mother and I will die before all of you and when that happens…"</p>
      <p>"When THAT happens, all you two will have is each other." Peg insisted, nodding her head. "You two have to learn to love each other. I know it's hard for you, Gaz, I can tell." She said gently, lifting Gaz up and stroking her gently as she held up to her chest. "But please…do it for mommy. I know you can. You've got to love your brother."</p>
      <p>Gaz mumbled something unintelligible but nodded as her mom placed her back down on the ground and Gaz gave the blocks back to Dib, who frowned and tossed one at her. It bounced off her head and she growled…then she saw Dib was smiling and she stopped growling.</p>
      <p><em>He loves me</em>, she thought. <em>I want that.</em></p>
      <p>PRESENT…</p>
      <p>"Hmm…I just had this vague recollection of me ACTUALLY being a nice sister to him." She remarked, tilting her head to the side as she lay on the couch.</p>
      <p>MEANWHILE, AT ZIM'S!</p>
      <p>Zim frowned as Robo Mom and Dad, after greeting him, slamming into the walls on either side of Zim…missing him and not giving him the hug they'd wanted. He was naturally still in his suit. And so…</p>
      <p>"UNAUTHORIZED CLOWN DETECTED!" THE computer base announced. The couch and table flipped over and cables snaked out from beneath, wrapping Zim up like a python coiling around it's prey. "AHH! GIR! HELP ME! GIIIR!?" Zim yelled, straining his head to see GIR was on the sidewalk outside with his little pig friend, handing some bills to an ice cream man. GIR got two suckmunky slushies, holding one out for the pig to suck on before walking off with the pig.</p>
      <p>Zim looked at the Robo-Parents. Then he sighed deeply, hanging his head. "I think the time has come for me to get a new assistant."</p>
      <p>"BE QUIET, CLOWN." The computer base announced.</p>
      <p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
      <p>GIR was in his doggy suit and jumping up, trying to get a look through the energy door I the window of Zim's lab. Every time he got too close to the window, it shocked him. "Whatchadoin'?! WHATCHADOIN'!?" GIR laughed.</p>
      <p>"Go AWAY, GIR." Zim snapped. "Master is working." He hovered around a large workbench surrounded by holo-schematics of his new assistant as frightening-looking machinery loomed around him.</p>
      <p>FWOOP! GIR had SOMEHOW gotten his head THROUGH the window and despite the shocks that kept going through his body, still kept asking "WHATCHADOIN'?!"</p>
      <p>"It's a SECRET, GIR." Zim snapped, shoving GIR through the window and covering it up with a metal slab. "COMPUTER! I need a helper worthy of ZIM." He announced.</p>
      <p>"I SHALL FABRICATE AN OBEY-O-NATOR-2000X, THE MOST UNQUESTIONINGLY OBEDIENT COMPUTER BRAIN IN THE GALAXY."</p>
      <p>"I need something MORE unquestioningly!"</p>
      <p>"MORE UNQUESTIONINGLY?" The base computer asked.</p>
      <p>"Do not question me!" Zim snapped at the computer.</p>
      <p>"OH…KAAAAAYYY. I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO."</p>
      <p>SCHWOOM! Conduits channeled all sorts of energy and matter from the depths of Zim's generators and storage tanks, flooding into the schematics as the words "FABRICATING" appeared on the screen. A massive amount of stuff began to merge together at a circular "Replicator Pad" that replaced the schematics console and began to produce a computer brain right in front of Zim's eyes, which glowed.</p>
      <p>"Ha-ha-ha-ha! Now…state of the art propulsion system! Advanced arm-thingies! MORE! MORE! This is to be the ultimate in sidekick technology!" He proclaimed, holding his claws up in the air. He then rushed to the computer console and began pressing buttons madly, cackling all the while.</p>
      <p>GIR, meanwhile, was outside the door to the lab, a non-existent ear to the door as he listened. By now a LARGE amount of stuff was collected on the replicator pad, hovering in the air. "Good." Zim admitted, rubbing his chin. "Veryyy good. Now…just one last thing."</p>
      <p>He opened a communications channel to the Prison Planet Vort and Vortian Prisoner/Engineer 777 appeared on the screen. "Hey Zim. Whatchawantthistime?" He groaned.</p>
      <p>"Well, I'm making a new sidekick, see, and I was hoping to build some really scary, insanely powerful weapons into it."</p>
      <p>777 rubbed his chin, the goggles on his eyes glittering slightly. "You mean…like a top secret experimental VORTIAN DOOMSDAY DEVICE?"</p>
      <p>Zim grinned. "Yeah, that sounds pretty scary!"</p>
      <p>A few moments of silence. Then…</p>
      <p>"OKEYDOKEY!" 777 announced.</p>
      <p>FWOOMP! A capsule popped out from the ceiling as 777 sent a package that attached itself to the hovering mass of things on the pad. Zim looked the pod-shaped thing over. "Ooh, it's PURPLE"!</p>
      <p>"Ha-ha! I THOUGHT you'd like it! Y'know, I'm still in prison, and I was wondering if-"</p>
      <p>BEEEOOP. Zim cut the signal and turned to the computer. "Computer, assemble these elements into the most powerful assistant ever devised!"</p>
      <p>And so, the pieces swirled around and around and around as Zim's eyes glowed, his smile becoming wider and wider as new life began to take form before his maroon eyes.</p>
      <p>THE NEXT DAY…</p>
      <p>"I said I wanted ALL my henchmen present for the unveiling!" Zim announced as he looked at GIR and the Robo-Parents. "GIR, search the house for the computer."</p>
      <p>"BUT I AM THE HOUSE." The computer spoke.</p>
      <p>"Oh. Okay." Zim shrugged. "We're all here. Now... cringe in fear at the newest, most amazing addition to ZIM's army of evil, MY INCREDIBLE NEW SIDEKICK…"</p>
      <p>He gestured to the kitchen. "MINIMOOSE!"</p>
      <p>WOOOOP! In it came! A small, purple, moosey thing with nubby hands and feet and antlers to match. It had eyes that didn't look like they were focusing in on the world in front of it, and a cute little underdeveloped tooth in it's mouth. You wouldn't think it possible for a sidekick of Zim's to be even MORE unthreatening, but…Zim had done it!</p>
      <p>"He got nubs!" GIR announced. "Let's go swimmin', Moose!" He said, grabbing the moose and running towards a small wading pool to the side. Zim promptly snatched Minimoose OUT of GIR's hands.</p>
      <p>"No, GIR! Those are nubs of DOOM!" Zim insisted.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>SFX: NUUUUBS OOOOF DOOOOOOM!</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"See? Even the creepy chorus agrees with me!" Zim went on.</p>
      <p>"…Oh." GIR remarked, face falling.</p>
      <p>"SQUEAK!" Minimoose squeaked.</p>
      <p>AND SO…SOME TIME LATER..</p>
      <p>Zim was out in the front yard, talking to GIR while Minimoose hovered in the air. "Your job from now on GIR is to never touch Minimoose. There's experimental DOOMSDAY technology built into it. Very dangerous stuff. Understand?"</p>
      <p>"Nu-uh." GIR commented, shaking his head.</p>
      <p>"Good." Zim laughed. "Now begin the tests of MINIMOOSE!" He announced, opening up the box he'd brought out as Minimoose just hovered in the air. "MINIMOOSE! Uh...go find some Earth meat." He asked Minimoose, holding up a timer.</p>
      <p>"SQUEAK!" Minimoose slowly floated away. Zim looked down at the timer in his hands. "Hmm. A little slow." He admitted as the seconds ticked by. Four…five…six…</p>
      <p>"But we'll see how-" He turned around. "Oh KABLOOM!?" He gasped.</p>
      <p>"MOOOOOO!"</p>
      <p>A MOUNTAIN of cows had been piled up on the lawn, with Minimoose sititng at the top, squeaking. GIR licked one of the cows and Zim gulped as he saw a crowd approaching with signs that read "PAPC"</p>
      <p>"AH! NO!" Zim screeched in horror. "An angry mob from "People Against Piling Cows" is heading this way. MINIMOOSE, protect the base!" He ordered.</p>
      <p>Well, Minimoose flew off towards the mob, who stopped chanting "The cows united will never be divided" and listened to Minimoose's squeaking.</p>
      <p>"…he's right." The leader announced. "Let's go play tennis!"</p>
      <p>They all walked off. Zim rubbed his claws together. "EXCELLENT!"</p>
      <p>THOWCK!</p>
      <p>CRACK!</p>
      <p>"Oh NOOO!" Zim yelled, eyes going wide as he pointed through the air. "The mob has accidentally broken open the reservoir causing a giant tidal wave. MINI-MOOSE!" He yelled.</p>
      <p>(SCENE MISSING)</p>
      <p>"Great job, Minimoose!" Zim complimented, patting Minimoose on the head.</p>
      <p>"SQUEAK!"</p>
      <p>THE NEXT, NEXT DAY!</p>
      <p>Zim adjusted the toupee on his head as the Robo-Parents beat themselves into a wall, with Minimoose floating in the air near his master.</p>
      <p>"Listen up! MINIMOOSE and I are off on our first mission together! Should we succeed, then I shall truly declare my new sidekick a success."</p>
      <p>"Pick me up a SUCKMUNKEY." GIR asked.</p>
      <p>"No GIR. The mission doesn't involve getting you snacks." Zim then hesitated. "Um... listen, this is sorta my first mission without you..."</p>
      <p>He looked around nervously as GIR gazed at him. "I know how much it must upset you." He admittted. "But you have to understand...you're horrible." He explained.</p>
      <p>Zim waited. He kind of expected GIR to start crying. But instead…</p>
      <p>"You get my SUCKMUNKEY yet?"</p>
      <p>"That's ALL you care about, isn't it!?" Zim groaned, throwing up his arms in disgust and leaving.</p>
      <p>LATER…</p>
      <p>Zim waited out in front of a convenience store as Minimoose floated by him, disguised as a model airplane by having fake wings stuck on his side and a propeller attached to his nose area. "A convenience store, MINIMOOSE. The first part of your final test. Dib'll be along soon enough, so we should hurry. I must make sure you have none of GIR's weaknesses."</p>
      <p>DL walked out of the store with a Suckmunkey slushy. Zim grabbed it away and DL began crying, walking off and covering his eyes. "Minimoose…do YOU want a SUCKMUNKEY? Like my OTHER, more HORRIBLE sidekick?" He asked, holding it up. "Huh, huh, huh, huh?" He asked again, tilting his head left and right and holding the drink up temptingly.</p>
      <p>"Squeak!"</p>
      <p>No interest. "EXCELLENT, MINIMOOSE! Truly, you are the sidekick I always wanted! If I were capable of love, I might actually love you, maybe!" Zim remarked happily, eyes going starry for a brief moment.</p>
      <p>Then he noticed that the Suckmunkey in his hands had gotten VERRRRY big. And once more it exploded, revealing…DIB!</p>
      <p>"HA! I was the SUCKMUNKEY all along, ZIM! I got you now!"</p>
      <p>"Got me how?"</p>
      <p>"You know. Got you." Dib remarked, raising an eyebrow.</p>
      <p>"Oh, yes. Er… but it is I who have gotten YOU!" Zim lied. "I knew you'd follow me! And now you get the honor of being the first victim of my flawless new superhenchman, MINIMOOSE! No longer will your laughs taunt me! MINIMOOSE! Activate your Doomsday Device and destroy the Dib!" Zim roared, pointing at Dib.</p>
      <p>Zim then jumped back and covered his ear-areas, expecting Minimoose to unleash nubby DOOM upon Dib. Instead, a dull wind blew Minimoose's costume off and the little thing bumped into Dib's face, squeaking.</p>
      <p>"Aw, it's cute." Dib remarked.</p>
      <p>Zim turned a visible shade of orange for disgusted embarassment and snatched Minimoose away. "MINIMOOSE!" He whined. "Unleash the... uh... Where's the trigger for the... uh... It's somewhere in here. How do you... AGH! Where's the trigger for the dooomsday thingy!?" Zim snapped, turning Minimoose over in his hands and trying to find a switch for the doomsday device.</p>
      <p>"…this is sad." Dib announced, slouching slightly. "I'd send pictures of this to Mysterious Mysteries, but you trying to open a moose would get me laughed at."</p>
      <p>He then walked off. Zim let go of Minimoose and clenched his fists, screaming into the sky.</p>
      <p>"NOOOO! MINIMOOSE! NOOOOO! WHY HAST THOU FAILED MEEEE!? NOOOOOOO!" He sobbed as dramatic music swelled around him and he wailed, falling to the ground and beating it with his fists.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Gaz was still lying on the couch, but was now eating a chocolate bar as White took notes on a notepad. "And then, three months later…UGH!" She groaned. "This is stupid! I don't wanna do this! What's the point? I'll just…lie here on the couch for the rest of my life and eat CHOCOLATE, I don't care!"</p>
      <p>"We have to find what trigged that spark in you." White insisted. "I'm SURE that the answer's in sight." He went on, nodding his head. "Now I know that it's HARD…" He admitted, holding Gaz's hand. "But this is gonna be worth it, you'll get back to your old self. Now think back…what happened after that Frisbee incident?"</p>
      <p>Gaz took a long, deep breath, then put the chocolate bar down. "Well…Mommy…mommy had died. And…and Dad was locked in his room constantly. He kept crying and I…I was left all alone with Dib…"</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…CRASH!</p>
      <p>A plate sailed at Gaz's head as she ducked. She knew that Dad wasn't going to pay any attention, he was still crying over mom…</p>
      <p>…MOM…</p>
      <p>Gaz felt tears well up in her eyes as she covered them. Mommy couldn't be gone. Mommy was <strong>strong,</strong> Mommy couldn't be GONE.</p>
      <p>Dad wasn't any help. Mommy had been right, Dib was all she had…but he was so mean to her…he always did things like make a mess in the bathroom or drink all her favorite juice or break her toys…he was so SELFISH!</p>
      <p>What was she going to do? That was the thought in her head as she walked up the stairs to her room, shaking her head. She loved him and didn't want to drive him away…what was she supposed to do when he acted like-</p>
      <p>She opened up the door in time to see Dib had a lighter in his hand and that he had doused Gaz's "Binky the Life-Size Vampire" doll in lighter fluid and was now about to set it ablaze. Unfortunately he couldn't quite flick the Bic the way he wanted and frowned behind his glasses as he kept trying to work it.</p>
      <p>Gaz blinked her golden eyes in amazement…then her eyes narrowed, turning into the brow-furrowing slits that Dib would remember for the rest of her life. She walked over to the lighter and picked it up, then held it up.</p>
      <p>"Fire…is DANGEROUS." She growled. Right before his eyes, a purple flame built up in her hand, burning the lighter into ashes. "Fire…can hurt you. Fire…can KILL you." She growled as Dib watched the entire room become distorted and dark, like a cave.</p>
      <p>"I will not allow that to happen. Let me make something clear. I love you. I will do things to you that make it seem as though I DON'T…" She went on as Bitey the Life-Size Vampire's eyes glowed red and it stood up along with the other dolls and they surrounded Dib, who began to quiver with fear, eyes getting wider and wider.</p>
      <p>"But by the time I am done with you there is not a single pain in the world that you won't have felt, and that suffering you've been put through will make you want to keep others from suffering. You will open up your heart and you will realize that there is MORE to the world than showing off what a CREEPY LITTLE GENIUS you are, and I don't care if you hate me for it for the rest of your life…I want you to understand THIS: <strong>I…WILL…DO…ANYTHING.</strong>" She growled. "THAT…is how much I love you."</p>
      <p>…five minutes later, she emerged from the room, calmly whistling as Dib stood there, burn marks all over his body as he gaped, blinking slowly, a fire spark at the edge of his hair.</p>
      <p>PRESENT!</p>
      <p>"…yes…that's IT!" Gaz realized. "It's all coming back! That sense of strength and power…I finally figured out who I was and what I was born to BE!" She roared out, rising up into the air on a dark purple pillar of flames as she shot through the roof and up into the sky, which had turned blood red as the clouds became black. "I'M <strong>BAAAACK!</strong>"</p>
      <p>"I KNEW you could do it!" White yelled happily, clapping his hands as she sank back to the couch. He turned to see Dib walk inside the house and then up the stairs to his room. "What are you going to do?" He asked her.</p>
      <p>Gaz turned to White. "I'm gonna go beat up my BROTHER." She said triumphantly, marching out of the living room and heading up the stairs. White saluted with his hand, a single tear going down his cheek.</p>
      <p>"Godspeed, soldier. GODSPEED." He whispered as the sounds of Dib's screaming echoed through the house.</p>
      <p>Zim sighed as he opened up the door, head hanging dejectedly as the Robo-Parents tried to hug him with a "Welcome Home" but failed and flew out onto the street, crashing hard.</p>
      <p>Zim tossed Minimoose to GIR, sighing sadly. "He's yours, GIR." Zim said quietly. "His Doomsday device doesn't work. MINIMOOSE is a failure."</p>
      <p>He sighed deeply. He had SO wanted a good assistant. GIR was FUN, yes, and…lovable, sort of. But Zim was an INVADER! He wanted a truly useful, strike-fear-into-their-hearts-and-minds assistant. For the briefest of moments, EVERYTHING had been possible, an entire road of possibilties had opened wide before his eyes, and then…</p>
      <p>With a single suckmunkey disguise…</p>
      <p>It had all come crashing down.</p>
      <p>Look at me, King Midas, Zim thought, thinking back to an old story Nick had told him. Everything I touch turns to CRAP.</p>
      <p>"YAY! I get to play with the moose!" GIR announced as he picked Minimoose up and began to roll around on the floor. "Playin' with the moose!" He sang. "Playin' with the moose! Playin' with-"</p>
      <p>BEEP!</p>
      <p>And then a thunderous voice announced itself through the room…coming from Minimoose!</p>
      <p>"DoOmSdAy DeViCe AcTiVaTeD!"</p>
      <p>"Eh?" Zim's head shot up as Minimoose unfolded out into a HORRIFYING display of weaponry, showing off spiky cannons and guns, glowing laser grenades and a freakishly large BULB thing that was in the center of the place, lights beeping and flashing as they rushed up to a point at the top. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!</p>
      <p>Zim and GIR turned to look at each other as Minimoose glowed bright orange.</p>
      <p>"<em>Um</em>…"</p>
      <p>Those looking at Zim's house from the outside, in this case, Nny, smoking a cigarette, were treated to quite the sight. The windows were flooded with light as a terrible rumbling occurred and the house slightly lifted off the ground as a horrible force of power was unleashed, and a shockwave rippled out from the place, making Nny's hair fly back slightly.</p>
      <p>He took a long drag, then let out a small ring of smoke. <em>"Yeah, mothaf—kaaaaaah."</em> He announced in a deep tone.</p>
      <p>Inside the house… the whole place was a charcoal RUIN. Minimoose was back to his normal size, Zim and GIR were covered in soot, the furniture was ASH, the walls had peeled off their paint and there were craters and rubble all over.</p>
      <p>Zim raised his fists into the air, grinning. "SUCCESS!" He announced.</p>
      <p>And then conked out with a THUNK.</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…</p>
      <p>…Zim sighed happily as he licked away at a "Lik-A-Maid" on his couch. The Robo-Parents slammed around the rebuilt living room as Minimoose floated around, GIR screaming happily as he bucked around, treating Minimoose like a horse and waving a cowboy hat in the air.</p>
      <p>"Ah well. Computer, bring me some ear plugs." Zim announced.</p>
      <p>"I DON'T WANT TO." The computer announced.</p>
      <p>Zim just sighed. "Mmmyep." He announced.</p>
      <p>This…was as good as it gets. He decided, lying back on the couch and taking it all in.</p>
      <p>This…was everything he wanted.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Ain't Minimoose cute?</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>I tried to think of a good reason WHY Gaz would act the way she does towards Dib, and I decided that she does it out of some sense of sisterly love, only it's VERY skewed and the reasoning behind it is questionable. But, considering the person Dib became...he could have ended up a LOT worse.</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Review or Minimoose will start crying. And you don't want THAT, do you? :(</strong>
      </p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0057"><h2>57. THE MOST HORRIBLE X-MAS EVER!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>There's a turkey a gobblin' out in the yard...now he's gutted and stuffed and he's basted and charred! And your father is whistlin' and washin' the blood down the draaaaaain! CHRISTMAS IS <strong>PAIN!</strong></em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>THE MOST HORRIBLE X-MAS EVER!</strong>
</p>
<p>Now…we bring you a tale of Earth from 2 Million years in the future! Yes, Earth's still there. Granted, the kid's brains are now so highly developed you can see the VEINS on their heads and all of them are reaaaally pale, but hey, you can't manipulate evolution the way you want.</p>
<p>Unless you're a certain Time-manipulating albino who turned the entire population into boob-people only to realize he was an ass man. Yeah, time travel's kind of tricky-</p>
<p>BONK!</p>
<p>Mother of Pearl!</p>
<p>"Get on with it!" White snapped.</p>
<p>"Yes, get ON with it!" Nny yelled.</p>
<p>"GET ON WITH IT!" The entire cast howled.</p>
<p>Oh, I AM enjoying this tale!</p>
<p>(Jhonen Vasquez sticks his head out of the house at the center of the universe.)</p>
<p>"GET <strong>ON</strong> WITH IT!"</p>
<p>Oka, okay! For this little tale, we'll bring you to a nice, red-painted bedroom with a roaring, lovely fire in the chimney fireplace as snowflakes drifted outside. A bunch of children all dressed up in caps, scarves, mittens and fuzzy outfits vibrated happily with glee and Christmas cheer as Mr. Sludgey, a robotic snowman, sang for them.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>So raise the shields and have ye some joy 'cause Christmas time is here!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"Yaaay!"</p>
<p>"What a fun song!"</p>
<p>"My mom has Cerebral Palsy!"</p>
<p>"Ooh, that was great, Mr. Sludgey!" One girl laughed happily, clapping her mitten hands together. "Now, will you tell us the story of the most horrible Christmas ever?" One child asked him.</p>
<p>"Ha-ha-ha! No, little girl. No I won't." He said gently, shaking his head.</p>
<p>BBZT! Luckily he came with a SHOCK collar built in and couldn't deny a single request for a holiday tale!</p>
<p>"Wait! Yes I <strong>will</strong>! Well, it's a little hazy…" He admitted, blinking his eyes made out of coal. "BUT it all started 2 million years ago in the city of Philadelphia…with a little green nuclear mole named Zam!"</p>
<p>
  <em>Zim.</em>
</p>
<p>"WHO'S telling the story, you or <strong>me</strong>?!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…snowflakes drifted down over the city of Philadelphia as Nick put on his blue vest, walking out of the bakery where he'd just taken Gaz and Dib to get muffins. "Ah, it's another beautiful day of December. Christmas time is on it's way, can you believe it?" He asked.</p>
<p>
  <strong>BGM: Green Christmas, by Barenaked Ladies</strong>
</p>
<p><em><strong>The streets are filled with Chrismtas cheer!</strong></em> Nick sang.</p>
<p><em><strong>Thank GOD it's only once a year! </strong></em>Gaz snapped.</p>
<p>"Why?" Nick asked, turning to look at her.</p>
<p>Gaz grabbed a present out of the arms of a nearby kid and held it up<em><strong>. Ugly parcels tied with tacky bows…and carols ringing in my EAR!</strong></em> She hissed, tossing it at the kid's face and pointing down at some carolers down the road.</p>
<p>"Gee…" Nick remarked.</p>
<p><em><strong>Bundled up against the cold! </strong></em>Zim added, shivering madly as he and GIR walked over to them. <em><strong>Lines wherever gifts are sold! And each shop window displays some STOOPID scene for everybody young and OLD! </strong></em>He added, jabbing his thumb as his body shook at the bakery, which showed a large cookie with the Manger scene carved into it at the front, with a loaf of bread as the Baby Jesus.</p>
<p><em><strong>Icicles on rooftops, tinsel on the tree, it's a baaaad Christmas for me! </strong></em>Gaz and Zim sang out.</p>
<p>"It's not THAT bad, Christmastime!" Nick insisted.</p>
<p>"How's it GOOD?" Zim asked.</p>
<p>Nick grinned. The scene then cut to all of them skating together in a circle on a frozen pond.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Couples skating on the pond!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>(FWIP! Now the scene cuts to GIR making a snow angel at Zim's house.)</p>
<p><em><strong>Makin' angels on the lawn! </strong></em>GIR sang happily.</p>
<p>Inside, Nick took out cookies in the shape of mittens and placed them on a rack, holding them up with oven mitts and bringing them into the living room of Zim's house to give to Dib, Gaz and Zim, with two for Minimoose and GIR<em><strong>. Five red mittens dryin' on the rack…</strong></em></p>
<p>"And needles shedding tannebaum?" Dib asked, mouth half-full.</p>
<p><em><strong>YES!</strong></em> Nick laughed, jumping through the air and gesturing at the railing. <em><strong>Red bows on the railing…</strong></em></p>
<p>Now he pointed out the window. <em><strong>Snow is on the ground, such a whiiiite Christmas in this town!</strong></em></p>
<p>"It's GREEN for me." White grumbled as he sat with them, arms folded.</p>
<p>"Why's that?" Gaz asked.</p>
<p>White sighed deeply and looked out the window. They followed his gaze to see a young man was holding some mistletoe over the head of a girl. <em><strong>Green…cuz of everything I miss…so much mistletoe no kiss…</strong></em></p>
<p>The two then handed each other little gifts as White's lip quivered. <em><strong>And with every Christmas wish…there would be no greater gift…then to have this envy…lift…</strong></em> He sang sadly, covering his eyes.</p>
<p>Nick patted him on the shoulder as the scene slowly faded to black, changing to show Dib's house. Dib was eating some cookies in front of the TV, watching a special as Gaz heard noises beyond the door and opened it up.</p>
<p>"Fa-la-la-la-la!"</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Carolers are at my door!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>"La-la-la-"</p>
<p>SLAM!</p>
<p><em><strong>Don't wanna hear them an-y-more!</strong></em> She announced, slamming the door shut and walking off. <em><strong>Stocking's on the mantle, snow's here everyday, it's a DUMB Christmas anyway!</strong></em></p>
<p><em><strong>Red nose on the reindeer…tinsel on the tree, it's a bad Christmas for meeeee!</strong></em> Nick sighed as he covered his face with one hand and shook it, sitting a top a hill that overlooked the city. He took a deep breath, then sighed and held up a pair of knives, turning back to the large blocks of ice on the hills he was on and beginning to carve into them, sending snowflakes scurrying down into the city.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…A bunch of carolers were all grouped together in a large snow globe, singing for a crowd of people.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Now I'm finally happy cuz I made my goal…<br/>to be a post operation transsexual!<br/>now I am a pretty lady!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>Now it feels like the very first time,<br/>cuz it's going to be the very first time,<br/>that Christmaaaas feels right to me!</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>And I know that I'm looking good…<br/>Just like a real girl should-<br/>It's my first Christmas as a woman!</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>The carolers settled down before one of them spoke back up again. "<em>WOMAN</em>!"</p>
<p>
  <em>"Now Zam hated humans more than anything!"</em>
</p>
<p>ZIM, GIR and Minimoose were all disguised, save for Minimoose, who simply had a collection plate on his head. Zim was in a new Christmas disguise and was muttering hatefully into the ground. "Stink-stink-stink-stinking humans!" He snapped. "All so HAPPY and JOLLY while I'm freezing my tootsies off!"</p>
<p>
  <em>"But he didn't know much about Christmas now, did he?"</em>
</p>
<p>"Watch it eat snow! Watch my dog eat snow!" Zim proclaimed to the people passing by. "You! Watch the snow-eating!" Zim demanded.</p>
<p>But people just ignored him and kept walking by. "ARGH!" Zim cried out to the Heavens. "The amazing snow-eat trick isn't working! The filthy horrible humans aren't giving us any Earth monies. We need Earth monies to appear as normal Earth pigs." In a fit of anger he kicked GIR into the snow with a karate yell, then turned to Minimoose.</p>
<p>"Minimoose! Am I doing that thing any more?"</p>
<p>"SQUEAK!"</p>
<p>"Good, so I'm NOT saying your name in capital letters too much. I was trying to work on that. MOVING ALONG! How much have we earned?"</p>
<p>"SQUEAK!" Minimoose squeaked, facing Zim and leaning down to show off what was on the collection plate. A few dollars, change, a sandwich, and…aw, somebody gave them his heart.</p>
<p>…it was…bleedin' and stuff…</p>
<p>Zim let out a gag, then picked up the sandwich, sniffing it. "TUNA? Tuna is like ham! It is worth NOTHING!" He yelled angrily, tossing the sandwich away. "Why does no one give monies to ZIIIIIM?!" He roared.</p>
<p>Then he noticed the ringing of a bell and looked over to see a man dressed up in a Santa Suit ringing for donations. "Ho-ho-ho! Give 'till it hurts!"</p>
<p>"There! That crummy red human!" Zim growled.</p>
<p>Zim picked up Minimoose, looking through holes in the back as his robotic pet's eyes became red and adjusted like lenses as Zim looked at the Santa's helper. "He's taking all my monies!" Zim remarked.</p>
<p>"Zim's going to be BAD this Christmas." White told Nick as they watched from a rooftop.</p>
<p>"I know. I'm not interfering. I'm keeping TRACK." Nick said, holding up a snazzy metal clipboard and nodding his head. "Let's see…kicking GIR, that's one bad thing so far…"</p>
<p>BAM! Zim tackled the Santa's Helper to the ground. "YOU! Stop stealing all of the-"</p>
<p>He turned his head to hear ANOTHER bell and saw MORE helpers were ringing bells all across the sidewalks! "Huh? Hmm? OH! He's got REINFORCEMENTS…they're…they're EVERYWHERE!" He gasped in horror. "What are they!?" He yelled, rushing back to GIR and Minimoose, tugging on his antennae and howling.</p>
<p>"Hmm…tackled a Santa's helper…that's another…" Nick said, writing it down on the clipboard.</p>
<p>"Say, it's 35 degrees out." White remarked. "How come you've only got your vest on?"</p>
<p>"Oh, I always sleep with the window open at night. I don't get cold." Nick explained.</p>
<p>"…you sure it's not-"</p>
<p>"IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF MY HAIR!" Nick yelled, issuing a bellow from his mouth that sent White flying off the roof.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…A Mall Santa was sitting in a big red and white chair as kids lined up to see Santa, with GIR, disguised as a little boy like he'd been when Zim sold chocolate, was about to reach the front of theline. An elf sat next to Santa, looking slightly bored as GIR happily ran up to "Santa's" lap and sat on it.</p>
<p>"And what do you want, little boy or girl?" The Mall Santa asked GIR, patting him on the head.</p>
<p>"I wants me a barrel of floss!" GIR asked happily.</p>
<p>"Hmm-mmm…" Mall Santa agreed, nodding.</p>
<p>"I wants me two balls of glue…"</p>
<p>"Yes?"</p>
<p>"TO BE MY FRIENDS! And I wants to go dancing NAKED!" GIR announced, flipping into the air and landing on his head in the Mall Santa's lap.</p>
<p>"Hmm-mmm…"</p>
<p>"And I wants…"</p>
<p>
  <strong>SFX: French Voice</strong>
</p>
<p>"THREE HOURS LATER…"</p>
<p>"And a chair made 'a cheese-"</p>
<p>"Hmm-mmm…"</p>
<p>"And a table made 'a cheese and a..."</p>
<p>"ARGH!" The Mall Santa couldn't take it anymore. "NO MORE! Get this kid away from me!" He groaned.</p>
<p>Zim, who was still disguised, walked up to the Santa, giving him the best Bambi eyes he could. "My little child just LOVES you and I just-" He turned to GIR. "NOW, GIR!" He yelled.</p>
<p>GIR dove out of the way as the suit Zim was wearing inflated its belly button and sucked in the Mall Santa. GIR bounced off the suit, which was now considerably bigger since it had a grown man inside, and Zim whacked him off. "Let's go, before anyone notices!" He remarked, running off…not realizing he'd just sucked up Santa in front of a line of horrified kids who now began to cry.</p>
<p>"Stole a Mall Santa…made…children…cry…" Nick said, writing down on his pad as he watched Zim rush out of the mall and walked outside with White.</p>
<p>"I wonder if it's possible for me to gift wrap coal?" White wondered.</p>
<p>AND SO…AT ZIM'S HOUSE, IN HIS LAB…</p>
<p>Zim was typing into a control panel, strapping the Mall Santa to an experimentation table. GIR was munching on some candy nearby as the Mall Santa struggled uselessly to break free. The Mall Santa noticed Minimoose was nearby and he shrieked. "EEE! What is that!?"</p>
<p>"Oh, uh, that's Minimoose, my, eh, other sidekick, eh, yeah, mmm. Yup, him with me the whole time!" He remarked.</p>
<p>"Hmm-mmmm." GIR agreed before gobbling more candy, though he offered some to the Mall Santa. Zim then pressed a button on the control panel and the examination table tilted forward as Minimoose did a barrel roll in the air, laughing in squeaks as Zim walked forward towards the Mall Santa on his spider legs. He waved a claw in the air. "No candy for you, chub monster!" He hissed. "UNTIL you tell me everything you know about these red bearded men who smell of ham and vomit!"</p>
<p>"Oh... you must mean Santa!" Mall Santa remarked.</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "So…you're Santa?" He asked.</p>
<p>"No no, we're all just Santa's helpers! We collect money for orphanages and spread holiday cheer and sing little Christmas carols that pass the message of Christmas around!"</p>
<p>"And you all report to this... Santa?" Zim inquired.</p>
<p>The Mall Santa's eyes drifted off in separate directions for a moment, then he shook his head. "Oh, no, nobody's ever seen the real Santa, but the world over loves Santa. And everyone waits with hope in their hearts for the day when he returns to his people." He remarked.</p>
<p>"EVERYONE?" Zim asked. He rubbed his chin. "HMMM…Computer! Drain the human's brain of all Santa knowledge!" he ordered.</p>
<p>A device was lowered onto the Mall Santa's head and it glowed brightly as Zim headed over to the computer screen, retracting his mechanical spider legs. He rubbed his chin as knowledge on Santa began to be displayed…the donation process, the giving of presents, carolers, X-mas, aka Christmas…</p>
<p>"X-mas? Hmmmm...and it's in TWELVE DAYS…"</p>
<p>He grinned. "Heh…heh-heh…MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!" He laughed evilly, throwing back his head as GIR handed the Mall Santa some candy. "MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… Gaz was hanging onto the fence between the Membrane back yard and a neighbor's back yard, hodling up a headless "Bitey the Vampire" toy and waving it in front of a brown, confused-looking Dog. She grunted angrily as it stared at her and the doll, whilst Dib was hard at work inside the garage, repairing Tak's Spittle Runner. He heard Gaz grunting angrily and peered out of the garage, then headed over to her. "For the past three years you stared at that dog. EVER CHRISTMAS FOR THREE YEARS, GAZ! Come on, already! It's creepy." He commented.</p>
<p>"THAT is because three Christmases ago, that dog ate the head off Bitey the Vampire! You said so yourself! I haven't forgotten." Gaz snapped, turning her head around at a 180 degree angle and frowning before turning it back at the dog, who gulped.</p>
<p>"Well, fixing an alien spaceship is hard enough without you distracting me." Dib remarked, heading back inside the ship. "It was sad enough that Dibship deleted its personality…"</p>
<p>"Ugh. You know, any moron could fix the ship faster than you." Gaz complained.</p>
<p>Dib raised his eyebrow. "Well…"</p>
<p>He then LEAPT out of the garage, grinning wildly. "Can any moron do this!?" He laughed, running behind the tool shed with a squeal, then racing back with a LARGE power cable. He plugged it into the ship and sparks soared out as the ship rose up into the air, sending out a shockwave that pushed Dib to the ground…</p>
<p>BEEEEOOOOOO…</p>
<p>And made the whole city go into a blackout.</p>
<p>"<strong>Sorry, everyone!...AGAIN!"</strong> Dib yelled out.</p>
<p>"MOTHER OF HELL!" Nny screamed as he got out of his car.</p>
<p>"Welcome to MY world." DL remarked as he sat on a bench made of bushes nearby that were holding him up and away from the wreckage.</p>
<p>"Like I said. ANY MORON." Gaz remarked.</p>
<p>Prof. Membrane, meanwhile, was inside the living room as the whole house flashed with red lights. He looked at a monitor on the wall which showed a wireframe picture of the Earth with the words "POWER OFF". He simply pulled a lever nearby and PING! Now it said "POWER ON" and the lights returned to normal.</p>
<p>He clapped his hands, satisfied. "Power is restored to the Earth once more. It's a good thing I exist!" He decided. He then leapt up into the air and twirled around, shooting an electrical beam of energy that blasted the door knob off and allowed Dib and Gaz to just walk through. They headed into the living room and sat on the couch as the TV turned on to show the words "BREAKING NEWS: SANTA RETURNS".</p>
<p>Prof. Membrane gasped. "Oh no! SANTA!" He growled, shaking his fist.</p>
<p>"Yes, Santa Claus himself has returned to his people and just in time for Christmas!" The WHUH reporter informed the public. "Check out this footage!"</p>
<p>Now it showed "reindeer" pulling Santa's sleigh…though Dib couldn't tell they were robots that had originally been mutant dogs from an old plan of Zim's. At the front was Minimoose, dressed up in bells and a red nose…and Santa? It was really ZIM in a Santa suit, leaving a space open for his face. Even the SLEIGH was a give-away…</p>
<p>"Santa Claus has got a hot-rod sleigh?" Gaz asked.</p>
<p>"Odd…" Dib wondered, not making the connection yet.</p>
<p>GIR, wearing an elfish disguise over his doggy costume, tossed presents from a sack to people below the sleigh, yelling "Merry Christmas" over and over as the reporter smiled on screen. "The response has been overwhelming!"</p>
<p>"I can't BELIEVE he's back!" Gretchen laughed happily on the TV.</p>
<p>"My heart EXPLODES with joy!" One woman said happily as she held her chest and the visible "PLORK" sound echoed in the air, followed by her hitting the ground. Naturally, the paramedics that vainly attempted to revive her while trying to explain Death to her three children were not shown after.</p>
<p>Even PRESIDENT MAN was shown, now on a stage with a banner overhead that read "WE LUV SANTA".</p>
<p>"Yes, even our President Man has given up his power, making room for Santa."</p>
<p>"It's ALLL yours, Santa!" President Man announced, smiling happily.</p>
<p>Then the scene cut to the reporter interviewing the "Man in Red" himself. "We have Santa himself in an exclusive interview! Santa, speak to us!"</p>
<p>GIR, off screen, played a rocking guitar theme as "Santa" spoke in a gruff, bad-ass tone. "People of Earth, I have <strong>returned</strong>! HOO-HAH!" He thrust his hips out. "To reclaaaaaim my <strong>rightful place</strong> as ruler of this world! All will obey Santa in this new world order! Oh YEAH! Rejoice brothaaaas!"</p>
<p>"That sounds like a lot of fun." The anchor remarked.</p>
<p>Prof. Membrane turned off the TV with the remote, crushing it in his gloved hands. "I'VE…NEVER… trusted that jolly fat man!"</p>
<p>"Well WHY?" Dib asked.</p>
<p>MANY, MANY CHRISTMASES AGO…</p>
<p>Little Matty Membrane was underneath the Christmas tree and held up a present, eyes large. "Oh boy! I asked Santa to bring me 12 cases of Uranium 238! Yay!" He proclaimed happily.</p>
<p>He tugged the bow on the top of the present open and a sock came out.</p>
<p>"…huh?" He raised one eyebrow.</p>
<p>PA-WHOOOOM! Now HUNDREDS of socks soared up into the air around him, shooting up into the air from the present. HOW so many socks had fit in there was lost on the poor little tyke, who clenched his fist angrily, squeezing the sock."Noo! Santa has let me down!" He pointed upward, using the "Finger of Knowledge" for the first time ever. "I will turn my back on him and devote a portion of my life to destroying Santa!...AAAAA!" He screamed as the socks piled up over him…</p>
<p>PRESENT…</p>
<p>"The…the HORROR!" Prof. Membrane screamed, running out of the living room.</p>
<p>"And now you know where you get <strong>your</strong> crazy from." Gaz explained, turning the TV back on.</p>
<p>"HOH yeah! And I command all you Earth monkeys to gather at the jolly Christmas rallies I'm holding all over the globe... to receive further instructions!" "Santa" laughed.</p>
<p>"Earth monkeys!? Oh no! It IS Zim!" He gasped.</p>
<p>"Lying about being Santa Claus…causing one woman's heart to explode…" Nick took down on the clipboard.</p>
<p>"But it was with joy." Gaz remarked.</p>
<p>"Still 'sploded."</p>
<p>"Eh." Gaz shrugged. "If it means he'll get a real beating, then I suppose you can count it."</p>
<p>"That sounds like a lot of fun!" The anchor remarked.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Zim stood behind the curtains of a stage at the "John F. Kennedy Stadium", which was normally a football stadium but had been modified for Christmas purposes and now had searchlights all around it, green, red and white banners lining the walls and lots and lots of elves. Zim looked over his Santa Suit, which had wires running up through the inside, all going up to the area where his FACE would be. GIR, meanwhile, was calmly standing next to Zim, a-suckin' on a candy cane.</p>
<p>"This is not going to be easy, GIR!" Zim admitted, peeking through the curtains at the hundreds of children outside. "Just look at all those... children!" He admitted. <strong>"I'll have to act like I've never acted before!"</strong></p>
<p>He quickly got inside the suit as White, who was acting as the announcer, cleared his throat. "He-hem! People of Earth! I now give you…SAAAAANTA CLAAAAAAUS!"</p>
<p>FWOOOOM! All the floodlights surged on as the people chanted madly. "Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa!"</p>
<p>Zim's lawn gnomes, now adjusted to look like elves (really, he only added ears) filed out onto the stage as a glowing light shot out from a hole in the center of the it. Zim rose from the hole in a cloth covering, then tossed it aside, striking a dramatic pose as people began to take pictures and cheered happily. Zim leapt through the air onto a red and white throne and waved as everyone raised their arms in the air and Minimoose, at the top of the stadium, stood in front of a display screen that showed off a song for everyone to sing to as the elves danced around.</p>
<p>C'mon everybody! A-one! A-two! A-one, two, three, FOUR!</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Bow Down…Bow Down…<br/>Before the power of Santa!<br/>Or be crushed…be crushed<br/>Byyyyyyyy his jolly boots of doom!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em><strong>Bow Down…Bow Down…</strong><br/>Before the power of Santa!<br/>Or be crushed…be crushed<br/>Byyyyyyyy his jolly boots of doom!</em>
</p>
<p>Zim blew kisses to the crowd as the sang along, feeling on TOP OF THE WORLD!</p>
<p>"Ho ho ho! Santa has returned for all the good little boys and girls of the world... to announce a new Christmas tradition!" He said happily.</p>
<p>People blinked. Hu-what?</p>
<p>"Get that pen ready." White whispered to Nick as they stood to the side of the stage.</p>
<p>"It's the yuletide helping of Santa…to build a giant teleporter capable of sending all humans to their doom!" "Santa" informed them all, chuckling. "Ho-ho-ho! My Labor Sleighs will take you to the North Pole, where you will build the teleporter!"</p>
<p>"Ooh, will being teleported to our doom be fun and Christmasey?" Somebody asked.</p>
<p>"Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Of course it will, you hideous fool!" "Santa" insisted as GIR popped up onto the stage, waving cheerily at them.</p>
<p>"Yaaaay! Hail Santa! Hail Santa!" The crowd began to cheer, throwing candy canes like roses. GIR immediately grabbed one and began sucking on it as the front row stood up and a woman gestured at the kids near her.</p>
<p>"Santa Master? These cute kids would love to sit on your lap and beg for presents!"</p>
<p>"Pweeeease, Santa? Pweeeeeeee…"</p>
<p>She had to take a breath. In…out…in…out…</p>
<p>And now we continue! "Pweeeeeaaaaaaase?"</p>
<p>"Great ghost of dooky!" Zim thought nervously as GIR began to suck on TWO candy canes. H smiled nervously. "Eh…um…of <strong>course</strong>, filthies. Eh... Come to Santa." He said, holding out his large arms.</p>
<p>GIR quickly ran out of the way as all the kids clung to Zim, nuzzling against him. "Ho ho ho!" Zim chuckled. "Ow ow ow ow ow!" He yelled as they squeezed tighter. "Ew, ew! Drool! Get off!" He asked one kid as electricity surged through the suit. What was happening?</p>
<p>"Wait! What's happening?" Zim gasped. Suddenly Zim twisted around in place…and when he faced the kids again…he looked VERRRRY happy, his eyes even bigger and more shining than usual!</p>
<p>"Ho ho ho, children!" He announced, hugging all the kids. "I LOVE you! ALL of you! Elves!"</p>
<p>Some lawn elves popped up and saluted. "Wrap up everything I have and give it to these good people here!" Zim asked, making all the crowd cheer as people were given wreaths, a floating monitor with the word "Obey", a mechanical snowman's hat, a tiny cheistmas tree…a robot bee..</p>
<p>"AAA! My bee!" Zim gasped. "Wait! No! Give that stuff back and get off Santa! Now!" Zim yelled, standing up and knocking the kids off of him. "Get off, Get Off, Get Off!"</p>
<p>He turned away from the crowd, nervously sweating. "I…didn't tell the suit to do any of THAT!"</p>
<p>"What's the matter, Santa?" An insidious voice laughed.</p>
<p>Zim wheeled around to see Dib was standing on the stage. "DIB!" He gasped.</p>
<p>"How do we know this is the real Santa!?" Dib demanded to know, pointing at "Santa" with his mighty <strong>FINGER OF TRUTH!</strong></p>
<p>Zim quickly sat back at his throne. "Eh, of course I'm Santa! I have robot elves!" He remarked, gesturing at the elves as their eyes lit up and they shot lasers into the air. LASERS, folks. LASER EYE ELVES! What was not to love? The whole crowd went "Ooh" and "Ahh".</p>
<p>"Robot elves! Just like in the stories!" Someone remarked.</p>
<p>"What stories had robot elves?" Dib asked. "Everyone, remember <strong>last</strong> Christmas when you thought that escaped gorilla was Santa?" He asked the crowd.</p>
<p>"He wasn't!?" Someone yelled.</p>
<p>"Heckler!"</p>
<p>"Loser!"</p>
<p>They began to throw stuff at him in what was too often the TRUE spirit of the season: cynicism. He wiped away the snow from a snowball, which had stung almost as much as his own people yelling at him and calling him cruel names when all he was doing was trying to spread truth. Luckily he dodged in time to avoid a Sedan being thrown at him.</p>
<p>"Now, now. Christmas is a time to be kind to all the boys and girls of the world. Unless their heads are filthy with lies!" Zim yelled. "To the jingle jail with the non-believer!" He roared as the Lawn Elves poured onto the stage, surrounding Dib.</p>
<p>"No…NOOOO!" Dib yelled as he was taken away. "You WON'T get away with this Zim! I WON'T LET YOU RUIN CHRISTMAS!" He snarled.</p>
<p>GIR rode atop of the crowd. "I wanna go to jail too!" He laughed.</p>
<p>Zim held his sides and laughed evilly…but in a still jolly fashion. "Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, Dib! <strong>Merry Christmas!</strong>" He threw back his head and continud to laugh, the laughter echoing in Dib's ears.</p>
<p>"Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho…."</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "Well, things looked bad for Doob." Mr. Sludgey told the kid. "Zam had fooled the whole world. But he didn't know much about Christmas now, did he?" Mr. Sludgey laughed, winking his eye.</p>
<p>"…uh, I don't get it." One kid spoke up, sitting on a bed next to Mr. Sludgey. "Why does he want to take over the Earth so badly? What does he have to gain, or to lose!? And the mechanizations of this malfunctioning Santa suit completely elude me!" She admitted.</p>
<p>Mr. Sludgey blinked a few times…then quickly shoved her under the bed and went on with the tale. "As I was saying, things looked bad for Doob. Zam was already preparing for his trip to the North Pole when something happened..."</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "I'm depressed, Gaz." Nick muttered, his head pressed against the table as Gaz sipped her hot chocolate.</p>
<p>"WHINER." She mumbled.</p>
<p>"Christmas is my favorite holiday!" He told her. "All of the good spirit that is spread around is WORTH some crassy commercialism here and there. But…Zim's really trying to <strong>ruin</strong> Christmas. And I don't know what to do…I feel so ANGRY!" He snarled, sitting up. "I…<strong>I don't know what to do!</strong> Being so <strong>furious</strong> at Zim is a new feeling for me. I almost ALWAYS forgive and forget, this is…new."</p>
<p>"You need some help from the expert on revenge…ME." Gaz told him. "Did you get him any presents?"</p>
<p>"Yeah. LOTS." Nick growled. "I got everyone presents…I even sent candy canes to the Tallest!"</p>
<p>"Well then, bring the presents you got Zim to the living room in an hour. I've got a little surprise for you…" Gaz told him eagerly.</p>
<p>LATER…</p>
<p>Nick and Gaz were now sitting in big, plushy chairs as each had a small pile of presents next to each other in Gaz's house. Nick unwrapped one of them and held up what was inside.</p>
<p>"Awwww, you got Zim a watch?" Gaz asked.</p>
<p>"It fires a laser light." Nick admitted, showing it off to her. Gaz nodded and handed him the hammer, and he shattered the watch into a couple of pieces with a good whack.</p>
<p>Gaz then held up one present. "To be honest, I got him something too. See this?" She held up a coupon. "It's a coupon for one life-sparing the next time he does some stupid crap that gets me involved." She informed Nick. Then she promptly bit into it and ripped it apart.</p>
<p>"I also got him a nice card. Look, it plays "Silent Night"." Nick said, holding the card open as a rendition of the song began to play. Gaz's eyes went wide and she leapt through the air and STUFFED it into her mouth, chewing. "HEY! What was THAT for?" Nick gasped.</p>
<p>"I HATE that song." She growled. "Hate it a LOT."</p>
<p>"You know, this still doesn't…help." Nick admitted.</p>
<p>"This is just how you get warmed UP." Gaz informed Nick, nodding her head. "Keep in mind, you're not just punishing Zim, you're sending a warning to other people when you do this."</p>
<p>"So Zim NEVER thinks about the consequences of his actions, huh?" Nick sighed.</p>
<p>"Yeah, most people are just to be used for his own gain." Gaz admitted. "I figured that out pretty quickly. That's what weird about "villain types", they don't think other people until maybe FIVE MINUTES before everything blows up in their faces."</p>
<p>"…so no matter <strong>how</strong> low I set the bar…" Nick asked, spreading out his arms. "Zim and people like him will STILL find a way to crawl under it?"</p>
<p>"Pfft…" Gaz sniggered, holding her hand over her mouth. "You still think there's a <strong>BAR</strong>." She GIGGLED slightly, a weird sound. "That's so <strong>cute</strong>!"</p>
<p>Nick got up. "I'm gonna go make us some hot cocoa." He told her, heading towards the kitchen. Then he noticed something…it looked like…a CUPBOARD. Under the staircase. He blinked a few times, then knelt down and opened it up. He was AMAZED at what he found.</p>
<p>It was a cupboard closet like something from Harry Potter, only instead of a wizard hiding inside, there were toys and books and other beautiful-looking objects placed on shelves upon the walls or scattered on the floor.</p>
<p>"Wh-what are these things, there must be 1000 dollars worth of things in here!" Nick whispered in awe.</p>
<p>"Gifts for family, friends…" Gaz remarked nonchalantly. "Adds up to two thousand, thirty five hundred and forty seven dollars and eight cents." She explained.</p>
<p>"But Gaz, I've known you for more than three years and you've never given ANY gifts-hey…HEY…this is…" He held up a book. "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S Lewis! I was looking for this last Christmas!"</p>
<p>"Yeah, I bought it for you." Gaz spoke.</p>
<p>"…no you didn't!" Nick remarked, eyebrow raised.</p>
<p>"Yes I did. Until you called me "Selfish" and said that I needed to "grow up" after I had a fight with Dib over a candy cane." Gaz told him, folding her arms.</p>
<p>Nick blinked. "Wh-what?"</p>
<p>"And that." She said, pointing at a glowing test tube on the shelf that had what looked like blue goo floating in it. "Proof positive of ectoplasmic energy signatures that Dib wanted me to give to Dad. It would have proved ghosts were real. Until he took the last cereal!"</p>
<p>She then pointed across the cupboard closet at a box. "THAT'S got a statue made out of Uranium. I had made it for Dad to cheer him up on Father's Day, but he made me wear a scratchy dress for a photo shoot. THAT thing…" She jabbed her thumb to the left. "That was for Zim last Christmas. He stuck his tongue out at me in the hallway. So no Snacky Cakes for him! And I made them all myself. Sheesh…" She shook her head, looking disgusted. "The nice things I <strong>do</strong> for people." She muttered in a disgusted tone.</p>
<p>Nick gaped at it all…then found his voice. "Oh…my GOD!" He yelled. "I thought you were just selfish and mean, but you're INSANE too!"</p>
<p>"Huh?" Gaz look confused.</p>
<p>"Gaz, gifts are not <strong>CONDITIONAL!</strong>" Nick yelled, spreading his arms out. "They're GIFTS, ya give 'em to people because you <strong>LOVE</strong> them! They're not something you can just take away because of some petty injury!" He told her, gesticulating to get his point across. "You haven't gotten back at those people! The people you bought this stuff for, with the exception of ME, don't even know they've UPSET you! Gaz, all you've done here is construct some kinda monument to your own <strong>INSANITY!</strong>" He screamed out, pointing at the gifts. He then held his fists up high in the air, waving them around. <strong>"WHAT KINDA PERSON DOES THIS?!"</strong></p>
<p>"A lonely…ANGRY…<strong>BITTER</strong> girl." Gaz muttered quietly, looking away. She clenched her fists. "Who can't forgive…or forget. What is wrong with me?" She wondered, shaking her head. "These gifts could have really brought some joy to people, and what did I do instead? Just let them rot. I…ugh…" She held her heart. "My…my heart!"</p>
<p>"…huh?" Nick frowned. "What is it?" He asked, looking concerned.</p>
<p>"My heart…it's…" She turned to look at Nick, smirking. "It's…<em><strong>melting</strong></em>."</p>
<p>Nick frowned deeply at her, folding his arms.</p>
<p>"By YELLING at me, you've SHOWN me the way!" Gaz laughed, grinning at his face. "Come, get my magic sled, Nicky! Me and my reindeer will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, <strong>RUDE</strong> people!" She cackled, dancing away, twirling as she did so. "We'll all <strong>join hands</strong>…and <strong>sing songs!</strong> And sprinkle <strong>ANGEL DUST </strong>on every single ingrate in the <strong>CITY</strong>!"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…things had been pretty unpleasant for Nick in having to deal with Gaz's cynical attitude. But things were WORSE for Dib. Zim was monitoring the process of a Labor Sleigh that was preparing for take-off, still wearing his Santa suit with GIR still disguised as an elf and Minimoose following behind GIR, squeaking out "Jingle Bells". Lawn Elves were carrying various machine parts into the Labor Sleigh as Zim waved his gloved hand in the air. "Hurry it up! All this horrible jolliness is getting to me! You!"</p>
<p>He pointed a candy cane at Minimoose.</p>
<p>"SQUEAK?"</p>
<p>"Yes! Stop being jolly!" Zim demanded.</p>
<p>"…squeeeaaak…"</p>
<p>"I don't CARE if you like singing, don't get ME singing along with you!"</p>
<p>Meanwhile, poor Dib was inside of a small "jingle jail" made completely out of candy canes! GIR made them. Couldja tell?</p>
<p>"Sticking Dib in a candy cane jail…snapping at servant simply for singing…" Nick read off after putting some more writing down on his snazzy metal clipboard, which now had a pretty green bow on it. Nick was now wearing a tan jacket with a red scarf and winter boots, with black gloves as he leaned against a tree outside. He WAS somewhat happy though…he'd left Gaz a…PRESENT. You see, she had gone to take a NAP…</p>
<p>THE MEMBRANE HOUSEHOLD!</p>
<p>And was now being awoken to the tune of "Silent Night", with the card playing for her, hidden somewhere in the house. Her eyes snapped open and she ran down the steps, hissing madly. "I'll cut off his hands…and I'll stick them in his BUTT! And then I'll…"</p>
<p>She looked behind every corner in the wall, cut open the couch, but she couldn't find the card. She checked the bathroom toilet, she checked in the cupboards…but no sign. She even took a knife to the TV…no sign. THEN she checked the chimney and pulled the card out from an alcove above.</p>
<p>Growling angrily, she ripped it up into little pieces and then spat on the remains, letting out a sigh. "Ah…"</p>
<p>…then she heard ANOTHER card start up and her eyes widened along with her mouth. "Oh you <strong>SON OF A-</strong>"</p>
<p>BACK AT ZIM'S SHIP!</p>
<p>Dib grunted angrily as he tried to pull on the bars. "ERRR! Hmm…" He rubbed his chin for a moment. "I know what I saw! <strong>Something</strong> has Zim worried." He bit his lip. "If I could <strong>just</strong> get out of this cell…" He growled, tugging on the bars…</p>
<p>SNAP! They broke and Dib rolled out as the jingle jail collapsed in place. "Huh?" He took one of the bars and bit into it. "Oh WOW, these ARE made of real candy cane!" He realized. He then heard Zim approaching and got an idea, walking over to a nearby Lawn Elf. He quickly grabbed it's hat, elf-ears and beard and put them on, making a creepy fake smile to match the ones all the others had before he shoved the elf away.</p>
<p>Zim headed over to Dib as Dib stood still as he could muster with Zim leaning on Dib. "Sigh. It's funny, robot Elf. I've never seen you before... but you're the only one I can talk to right now, you know?"</p>
<p>Dib nodded his head. "Hmm-mmm!"</p>
<p>Zim stood up straight and lifted up his hand. "I mean…it all seemed so perfect!" He admitted. "If there is ONE thing that humans just can't resist, it's a fat man with presents! So, I became that fat man!" He told Dib. "The hardest part was getting my hands on the suit…a Vortian Liquid Gear from Prisoner 777 on Planet Vort. I told him I'd give him the keys to his cell if he did this for me…."</p>
<p>Zim then sniggered madly and began to laugh evilly before calming himself down some and resuming his tale as Dib heard "Lying to a prisoner" out a nearby window. "You see, every molecule is a tiny hard drive I filled up with all the Santa data I could find! AND the favorite part is…it feels all JIGGLY!"</p>
<p>Zim grinned. "Also, an ingenious brain interface allows me to command it! Thus, I become Santa!" He announced, holding up his fists into the air and smirking…but then that smirk vanished and Zim gulped. "But I think I'm losing control! I programmed it too well! Cuz I'm amazing."</p>
<p>Dib GAGGED inwardly.</p>
<p>"And now it thinks it IS Santa! Anything Christmasy makes it go crazy! And it takes over, filling me with hideous jolly feelings! I'd DESTROY it…" Zim growled, clenching his gloves. "…but I need to play Santa 'til I beam humanity to the Tallest as slaves!"</p>
<p>"SLAVES?! That's AWFUL!" Dib gasped. He quickly covered his mouth though, and Zim seemed to not notice.</p>
<p>"Yeah, isn't it? But if this suit takes over, it'll ruin everything!" Zim admitted sheepishly.</p>
<p>"Plotting to send humanity up as Slaves…" Nick checked off on the list. "Oh WOW, lookit all of this…"</p>
<p>GIR, who had taken off his disguise,began to sing happily. "We WISH you a merry jingly, we <strong>WISH</strong> you a merry jingly, we <em><strong>WISH</strong></em> yooooouuu…"</p>
<p>"No, GIR, no! Stop singing!" Zim yelled as the Santa suit began to squirm. "Noooo-ho-ho-ho!" Zim was now all jolly and he reached for GIR. "You're so CUTE!"</p>
<p>"I AM!" GIR admitted. (And 95% of all IZ fans agree as well!)</p>
<p>Dib, meanwhile, grabbed ahold of a large candy cane nearby and decided to whack Zim with it. Unfortunately it SANK into the Santa suit, making Zim turn around. "Wa-ho-ho-ho! More Christmas power for Santa!" He exclaimed, his gut bulging out as it whacked Dib to the floor, the disguise falling off. Seeing DIB there made Zim regain control. "Ah! DIB! Elves, seize him!" Zim proclaimed. "And THIS time throw him in the actually <strong>strong</strong> jingle jail!" He yelled.</p>
<p>The elves grabbed ahold of Dib and began to drag him off. "Hey wait, why didn't you throw me in the strong one in the first place?"</p>
<p>The elves tossed him in the larger, thicker jingle jail as Zim frowned. "You can never understand my amazing brain! Hope you like snow, Dib!" He laughed, pressing a button on the side of the wall as a trap door opened beneath the jail, sending Dib down to a large ice sheet that was drifting in arctic waters. Dib frowned as the sleigh zoomed off through the air…</p>
<p>But luckily he ALWAYS carried his laptop around! Well, MOST of the time. He pulled out his laptop and pressed some keys, calling up Gaz's watchie-talkie. She looked down at it as Dib spoke to her, interrupting ANOTHER attempt to guilt-trip a dog into admitting that it ate Bitey the Vampire's head.</p>
<p>"Gaz! I'm trapped in a frozen wasteland!"</p>
<p>"Who ISN'T?" Gaz remarked.</p>
<p>"AND Zim's posing as Santa and he's gonna take over the world!"</p>
<p>"Yeah, that's great, Dib. I had to tear the entire house apart to find ten Christmas cards and I can STILL hear them playing even from out here." Gaz muttered, not caring. "Look, I gotta go torture the dog some more-"</p>
<p>Dib decided to play <strong>THAT</strong> card, feeling that world peace took precedence over self-preservation. "Okay, Gaz. I think it's time I told you. The dog's innocent! I used Bitey the Vampire for a teleporter experiment and switched his head onto a fly's body!"</p>
<p>"<strong>WHAAAA?!</strong>" Gaz shrieked as a fly with the head of Bitey the Vampire landed on a flower nearby. She began to shake angrily.</p>
<p>"So, if you wanna beat me up…" Dib told her. "You're gonna have to RESCUE me first, because I-"</p>
<p>BA-BOOOM! The top of the jail was blasted away by a laser and Dib looked up to see Gaz was in the cockpit, the windshield opened. "Gaz?"</p>
<p>"Get in."</p>
<p>"Wow! Tak's ship!" Dib remarked, eyes widening as he got inside. "How did you-"</p>
<p>Gaz then promptly tugged on his hair and the entire ship bounded around as Gaz beat the crap out of him.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…Tak angrily kicked at the ground as she and MIMI stood on the surface of Planet Dirt, one of the few places that the Irken forces didn't bother with much anymore. It was also home to her super secret base. She paced around left and right, sending small clouds of red dust up into the air as MIMI sat on a rock nearby.</p>
<p>"That STUPID, IDIOTIC ZIM!" She snarled. "And those humans…I severely underestimated them. I should have been far more careful…."</p>
<p>A figure approached her, but she didn't notice, continuing to pace. MIMI, however, saw the figure on her optic sensors and her red eyes went wider than saucers as she hid behind a rock at the revolting, horrid thing coming closer. "How am I going to get my SHIP back?!" She wondered. "I built that thing years ago with what I found on this planet, it's MINE, the same as you are, MIMI, though…MIMI?" She turned to look at her robotic servant, frowning. "What's wrong?"</p>
<p>"Th-th-th…"</p>
<p>"Speak up, I can't understand what you're saying." Tak remarked, looking confused as a shadow fell over her. She then NOTICED the shadow, looking down, the wheeling around to see a horrifc thing towering above her…a blobbish monstrosity with HIM towering above…</p>
<p>"My…My Tallest Spork!" She gasped, getting on her knees.</p>
<p>"Ah, Tak. One of the GOOD ones." Spork said, looking amused as his eyes gazed down at her.</p>
<p>"You're…different…" She said quietly, unsure of what to say. "Your…paint job…"</p>
<p>"Oh, this? Not paint. Apparently the blob bonded with my suit so completely that it altered the structural integrity of the whole thing. But that's not important right now. You wish for your ship back, correct?" He inquired, steepling his fingers together.</p>
<p>Tak nodded. "Yes, I do!"</p>
<p>"And it's on the planet EARTH…is it not?" Spork wanted to know, rubbing his chin with his two claws. "With Zim?"</p>
<p>"…don't MENTION that hateful little wretch's name to me." She growled hatefully, claws clenching hard.</p>
<p>Spork saw this hate and smiled happily. "You and I want Zim to suffer. I believe we have something in common. I will provide you with transport to take you to Earth and you will be number 78 out of 100 hand-picked Irkens I am gathering to destroy that little bug. I will take NO chances with him whatsoever. I hadn't expected to find such a TREASURE in this gutter." He added silkily, one tentacle caressing Tak's cheek.</p>
<p>She didn't shudder out of a mixture of fear and respect for the Tallest before her, but just bowed her head again. "When do I depart and how may I arrive?"</p>
<p>Spork grinned. "First of all, follow me. Your "team mates" are waiting for you…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…meanwhile, GIR was looking out of a balcony as he watched the people carrying over a large machinery part to the teleporter. A clock tower at the top of the building GIR was in showed off a timer that was counting down to Christmas. GIR held up a megaphone and motioned the people to different palces with his arms. "Hmm mmm, a little that way." He moved his arm in a new direction. "No, a little back. Good, gooooood…"</p>
<p>BOOOOM!</p>
<p>"…uh oh." GIR quickly ran inside.</p>
<p>"MY LEG!" Nny screamed.</p>
<p>Zim, meanwhile, was holding up a large screw-like device, a stabilizer. "The teleporter's almost built, but the suit is acting up now more than ever since Christmas is almost here! Luckily this stabilizer should keep the suit from going crazy and ruining the ceremony!"</p>
<p><em><strong>Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Rudolph ran away!</strong></em> White led a team of people to sing RIGHT OUTSIDE the balcony, their lovely song drifting in. <em><strong>Oh what fun it is to ride in a brand new Chevrolet, HEY!</strong></em></p>
<p>"Nooo! Not the Jingly Bells!" Zim yelled. He struggled desperately to stay in control, then rammed the stabilizer into the side of his head, allowing him complete control. He headed out to the balcony and pointed. "Back to work, all of you!" He yelled. "Christmas is almost here! The masses are coming! I need that teleporter!"</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Dib was beaten up, but happy as Tak's ship soared across the ocean waters, heading for the north pole. "I can't believe it! I finally fixed it! I'm actually flying in my own alien ship!"</p>
<p>"YOU fixed it?" Gaz asked angrily.</p>
<p>"Well…I fixed MOST of it." He defended.</p>
<p>Dib pressed a button on the control panel and a monitor on the dashboard showed off Prof. Membrane. "Dad! I need your help!"</p>
<p>"Look son, I'm right in the middle of-" His dad began.</p>
<p>"But it's Santa!" Dib protested. "He's-"</p>
<p>Prof. Membrane's hair stood on end. "SAAANTA?!"</p>
<p>"He's EVIL and he wants to annihilate all mankind!"</p>
<p>Prof. Membrane held up his "Finger of Knowledge", sounding proud. "I <em>knew</em> this day would come! Son, I'm giving you full access to the anti-Santa arsenal I made when I was a child!" He told Dib. "Here, I'll give you the coordinates…"</p>
<p>Soon their ship soared over to a small piece of land that had a large, stone head of Prof. Membrane. The words "Membrane: friend of the world enemy of Santa Claus" were written below.</p>
<p>"Good luck destroying Santa! And merry Christmas." Prof. Membrane added.</p>
<p>AND SO...</p>
<p>It was ten minutes until Christmas according to the clock tower. Minimoose floated up to the microphone on the stage and let out a single "SQUEAK".</p>
<p>"…YAAAAAYYY!" Everyone cheered, going wild and throwing hats, presents, babies and themselves up into the air.</p>
<p>"Hehehehe.. <strong>Well said</strong>, Minimoose!" Zim said proudly as he approached the microphone. "People of Earth!" He proclaimed. "The teleporter is ready! So get inside it, hurry up!" He told them.</p>
<p>"But Santa! It's Christmas Eve! Aren't you gonna sing Christmas carols?" A sad-looking Mr. Trueheart asked.</p>
<p>The Santa suit distorted slightly but Zim kept control. "N-no! No more singing! Time for teleport!" Zim insisted angrily.</p>
<p>"And aren't you gonna give us any presents?" White asked in a smart-ass tone.</p>
<p>"There's plenty of presents for you in the teleporter!" Zim snapped. "No go!"</p>
<p>"Wheeeee!" Principal Prickley laughed, rushing towards the teleporter, a small stuffed Fillerbunny in hand. Unfortunately he tripped and the animal flew up into the teleporter which was beamed away in a solid stream of dark light. Red and Purple, who were eating popcorn aboard the Massive, blinked in surprise as the Fillerbunny popped out of nowhere, making them drop their popcorn. But that was just ONE thing.</p>
<p>If Zim actually tried to beam them ALL up inside the room…</p>
<p>Ooh. OUCH.</p>
<p>Then that point which Zim would never ever consider became moot when DL stepped forward. "But, Mr. Santa, before I go to my doom, can I have a hug!?" He asked.</p>
<p>Zim blinked. "H-huh?" Oh no. Not a blind orphan! A CUTE blind orphan at that! Too…adorable…</p>
<p>"Child…is so…cute! I'm…<strong>infested</strong>! Must resist!" Zim growled as he held the sides of his head. "No…NOOOO!" Zim gasped in horror. The stabilizer popped out…</p>
<p>FWOOSH! Zim twirled around and a moment later he was back to being his jolly self! "Of course you can have a hug, you cute little woogy!" He said, hugging DL tightly. "AND let's all sing more songs!" He added, dancing around on the stage as the suit promptly covered his face with a face resembling Santa. "I am Santa! I am Santa!"</p>
<p>Meanwhile, inside the suit, Zim was inside of a red void as images of presents, candy canes and decorations and such floated by. "It Is AlL lOsT." Zim realized sadly. "ThErE iS nO wAy I cAn GeT oUt Of tHiS sUiT nOw. ThE sAnTa…HaS…<strong>WON</strong>." He said quietly, hanging his head in defeat.</p>
<p>MEANWHILE…</p>
<p>As Santa Suit sang Ho-Ho-Ho'd to the tune of "Jingle Bells", GIR dragged out a large sack of presents. The Santa Suit began tossing them all to the people of the crowd, who eagerly accepted them all.</p>
<p>"Ooh, a fox in a box!"</p>
<p>"A pair of socks!"</p>
<p>"Bagels and lox!"</p>
<p>"Gold from Fort Knox!"</p>
<p>"WHAT?! A TOASTER?! Aw c'mooooon!"</p>
<p>And then DIB showed up, landing nearby in an ENORMOUS mech shaped like Prof. Membrane as GIR let out a "WOO" in an impressed tone. "Zim! Your <strong>Christmas time</strong> is up!" He quipped. A large compartment at the front of the mech and a laser popped out. Pressing the "Cannon" button, the laser surged out, striking the Santa Suit and pushing it back, destroying part of the stage. People gasped as the suit rose up, a demonic look on it's face as it chuckled evilly, Christmas items surging into it. A cloud of snow covered the whole place, blinding everyone…</p>
<p>And then HUGE spider legs made of candy canes shot out, AND the Santa Suit rose up on top of them, becoming bigger and bigger. "Malfunction overload! Ho ho ho! You've been a bad little boy!" It roared out as it's arms became replaced with candy-cane-colored tentacles that merged together into large candy cane hooks. "Now Santa's going hafta KILL YOOOOUUUU!"</p>
<p>"Oooooh dear." Dib gasped. "Santa's gonna deck my halls."</p>
<p>"Aw, dang, <strong>we're</strong> gonna get LETTERS." Nick realized out loud.</p>
<p>"103 to be exact." White sniggered.</p>
<p>The Santa Suit leapt over the crowd, swiping one of it's candy cane-claws at Dib, who managed to move the mech out of the way just in time. Instead the Santa Suit hit the teleporter, making it explode as people dove out of the way, except for one stupid man who spread his arms wide and allowed this "gift" to squish him, burying him in the snow with a THA-THUMPA.</p>
<p>The Santa Suit swung it's arms again, this time knocking the laser cannon right off of the large blue mech and causing some people to cheer. "Rough him up real good, Johnny! Yeah!"</p>
<p>"He's jingled his last bell!" White laughed.</p>
<p>Dib pushed a lever as another laser emerged, this time from the part of the mech modeled after Membrane's hair. It shot the suit, sending thick smoke up into the air, but the candy cane hooks popped out through the smoke, grabbing ahold of Dib's mech. The suit then lunged at Dib, roaring as it's tongue popped out, splitting off into multiple prongs which seemed eager to taste Dib.</p>
<p>"Now watch <em>as angels lose their</em>-" White began.</p>
<p>Gaz whacked White over the head. "That's enough Christmas puns!"</p>
<p>Trying to hold in vomit, Dib pressed a nearby button and tank treads popped up under the mech's feet.</p>
<p>He pressed the Santa Suit against the nearby wall with a THUD and with that loud slamming THUD Zim woke back up, eyes widening. What was happening?</p>
<p>The Santa Suit roared as two large canisters on the mech's shoulders opened up to reveal themselves to be missile launchers. Dib fired them all of, eyes glittering as they shot into the suit, pumping him full of explosions and making the suit screech horridly. Zim gasped and fell right out of the suit as it "bled" cheerful red liquid and he held his head, which still had the brain interface stuck on him.</p>
<p>"The suit is weakened! Excellent!" He realized. He quickly pressed a button on the size of the interface on his head and the suit let out a SQUEAK as it shrunk down to the size of a small figurine. Zim grabbed it and tossed it up to Dib. "Now, Dib! Throw it into space!" He shouted.</p>
<p>Dib nodded, having the mech grab ahold of the Santa Suit toy. The fist that enveloped it aimed upward, then SHOT up into the air, rising into the sky and zooming into space, becoming a twinkling star in the distance as Zim ran off. "I did it! Christmas is saved!" Dib proclaimed happily.</p>
<p>A few people blinked at this. For what seemed to be an eternity there was utter silence. And then…</p>
<p>"Hey! That boy threw Santa into the cold void of space!" Mr. Trueheart yelled.</p>
<p>"Chwismas is wuined fowever." A child sobbed.</p>
<p>Dib shook his head and raised his hands up, addressing the crowd. "WAIT! Would the real Santa have mutated into a horrible blob?" He asked them all, making them murmur amongst themselves. "And would the REAL Santa have teleported you into space? You were so desperate for a real Santa that you believed a monster in a costume! That's not <strong>Christmas</strong>!" He told them all gently. "Go home! Forget about this! And spend time with your families…and whatever." He added, shrugging.</p>
<p>DL nodded. "Yeah!"</p>
<p>"The giant metal boy is right!" Prickley agreed.</p>
<p>"Oh what FOOLS we were!" Nny laughed.</p>
<p>"<strong>Wait</strong>!" Someone shouted.</p>
<p>"Aw, HECK no!" Nick groaned.</p>
<p>Zim, GIR and Minimoose were all dressed up in platypus costumes, standing by the ruins of the teleporter. "Will you listen to the evil robot boy who destroyed Santa, or will you listen to... the Easter Platypus?" Zim asked, throwing shrimp from a basket he carried to the crowd. "Easter shrimp for all if you tackle the boy who destroyed Santa!"</p>
<p>"Easter Platypus, we love you!" The crowd cheered.</p>
<p>"You gotta be s—tin' me." White remarked stonily.</p>
<p>Dib, who had begun climbing down the mech and who hadn't heard Zim's proclamations saw all of the crowd was looking at him angrily. "Wh-WHAT?" He gasped. "No! No, wait!"</p>
<p>BAM! He was immediately tackled to the ground and Zim began laughing as he was piled on over and over. "Well, my evil mission was a success."</p>
<p>"No it wasn't!" GIR interjected.</p>
<p>"Silence!" Zim snapped. "And, uh, merry Platypus one and all!" He added, waving his arm in the air.</p>
<p>"Yaaaayyy!" GIR cheered, falling into the snow as Minimoose squeaked. Then Zim heard Nick "ah-hem" behind him and he SLOWLY turned around, creaking like a door as he did so.</p>
<p>"Ruh-roh…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>… "And THAT'S the story of the most horrible Christmas ever! But Zam and Doob were wrong that day! Santa wasn't destroyed. Santa lives on." Mr. Sludgey told them all.</p>
<p>"In the hearts and minds of us all?" One kid asked eagerly.</p>
<p>"No, in SPACE!" Mr. Sludgy said, shaking his head as he held one mitten-wearing hand up. "Gathering power! And every Christmas he returns to Earth…" He went on as the kids huddled together, cowering in fear. "And that's why we all live in this protective dome!"</p>
<p>BREEE! BREEE! Mr. Sludgy looked out the window. "Looks like Santa's here! Raise the shields, children!" He cried out.</p>
<p>A dome shot up around the city just as the Santa Suit, now turned into a beast that was almost all hair, landed on top and gnawed on the dome with it's fangs, it's candy-cane spider legs quivering. A moment later a HUGE plate of giant cookies and a large glass of milk arose from the ground outside the city. The Santa Suit grabbed a cookie, dipped it in the milk, then popped it into it's mouth, chewing.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>…back in the "Present", on the day after Christmas, Dib rubbed his sore head as a cheerful Nick placed down milk and cookies for him. "Did you enjoy my gifts everyone?" He asked as everyone sat around the kitchen table, a silent and cast-covered Zim included as GIR wrote his name for the umpteenth time on Zim's arm cast. Minimoose was chewing one cookie and he let out a squeak of appreciation.</p>
<p>"Yeah, thanks, Nick." Dib admitted. "I really needed the painkillers." He had a HUGE black eye, welts all over his head and arms and legs, and a large cut on his chest. His hair was totally messed up.</p>
<p>"Just remember, two every three hours." He informed Dib.</p>
<p>White, meanwhile, was singing as he strummed on a guitar.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Fiiiive shattered riiibs!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Four broken toes, three fingers…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Two pulled antennae…</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>And a spanking across the kneeeeee!</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Gaz turned to face you. Yes, YOU. "Evidently the medical term for the end result of what Nick did to Zim is called "Holy CRAP come look at THIS", because that's all the base computer kept telling us after it took an x-ray of the idiot." She smirked. "Since what Nick did to me and Zim this Christmas was so incredibly DEVIANT, I felt it was worthy of my respect and my gift to him is that I allow him to live this Christmas."</p>
<p>"I think the feeling's coming back to my thighs!" Zim mumbled cheerfully out through the slit in the rounded face cast that he wore.</p>
<p>"Look at the positives." Nick told Zim. "If you ever have to give <span class="u">birth</span>, it'll be REAAAAALLY easy." He remarked in a chipper fashion. He held up a chocolate shake. "Frosty milkshake?" He asked. "Don't worry, I made it from the milk of the Calvarian Star Beast. It won't singe your throat."</p>
<p>Zim couldn't nod, so he let out a "Mmm-hmm" and Nick held the straw to the shake up to Zim's mouth, who sucked it up as Dib downed another painkiller behind Nick's back, Gaz opened up her gift-wrapped metal bat from White and GIR now began to sign Zim's chest again. Considering their track record, this was actually one of their nicer moments together and there was a general air of pleasantness about the house.</p>
<p>Ahh…denial. THAT was the true spirit of Christmas!</p>
<p>
  <strong>Author's Note:</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>REVIEW. That is all. And now...I fully dive into the unaired episodes!</strong>
</p>
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